Patterns and such...

[BewitchedandBothered]

Hi friends Newbie here; maybe I could benefit from the wisdom of your input. Back in late 2009, I got to talking with a seemingly nice fellow on Facebook. He found me on another friend's page and sent me a friend request. I accepted. We ended up chatting and playing online Scrabble and developed what I thought was a nice online friendship. After a few months of daily chats and moving the chats to AOL, we started talking on the phone and it was nice.

 

We had a connection and eventually met. Seemed to be very intense on both our parts. There were some red flags I ignored because I was smitten. He was all over other ladies' walls, giving over the top compliments. He was friending women through other friends' lists as well. I figure, maybe it's just me. I did tell him it hurt my feelings to see him say "sigh...you are so beautiful' on another girl's picture---literally the day after our very first weekend together.

 

 

He had her block me. He would keep talking about his ex wife and mention other ladies I may know; seemed to be fishing, I guess. I was uncomfortable with it and asked him to stop asking me about other women. He then started calling me by his ex wife's name--6 times in the relationship at least. Told me she was evil and a psycho. then the verbal abuse started.

 

I was reluctant to get any closer to him and he would often blow up my phone with angry texts, a lot of name calling and emails. He started out so nice and sweet and I fell for it--by this time, I was in very deeply. I decided to contact his ex wife to see if this behavior was the norm for him. She was so sweet and kind---not the evil psycho he said she was. She told me she left because she couldn't take the verbal abuse or mental games.

 

Out of the blue, an ex g/f contacted me and told me how mentally abusive he was and would start fights. He blamed me for his impotence--but the 2 ex's told me he had problems in the sack with them as well. I was beaten down mentally by this guy. He finally dumped me because he didn't like me talking to his friends or having any kind of mutual friend. (we went to the same school, there were a lot of mutual friends).

 

He started restricting his wall so that I couldn't comment, only see it. Then he took his wall down completely, but still kept me on his friends list. Eventually he blocked me totally and had the nerve to demand that I delete any mutual friend. It was very tumultuous. He would initiate chats and say "I will always love you, we will always have chemistry, I won't ever find that with anyone else"=-literally the next day he would say 'STOP THE DRAMA OR YOU WILL BE SORRY".

 

Eventually I stopped responding to him. The last text I got from him was 6 months ago asking how I was----he only does that when someone blocks him; thinks I am behind it somehow. He trashed me to his friends, had them cyber bully me and had many of them block me. He has told many that I am psycho--just like his ex wife and g/f. He used to trash other ladies to me as well, saying they gave him too much drama.

 

It's taken a good year for me to heal from it and from time to time the wound opens--the other day someone told me he found someone new on one of the many dating sites he was trolling. Looks like the real deal. He is 44 years old and has been on these sites for years----even when he said I was his soulmate. I found out he was on them and he got furious with me, wondered how I found out; said he wanted to date and is lonely; needs someone to fill his time and be there.

 

I have to wonder if he was this way with his ex g/f and with his ex wife and with me...will he repeat this with the new one or is she the 'one'. He seems to rebound so easily while he leaves others to heal and cry over his sorry butt. From what I'm told, she posts pictures of them two on his wall.----I tried to do that and he said "you do and you will be sorry".

 

I am truly baffled; I have days when I don't think of him and then I have...days like this. I was hoping he would get some kind of karma, but seems he got away with it yet again Any input and sound advice would be helpful. Sorry for the ramblings, just wanted you to have some insight as to the stuff I was going through with this guy. I was in love with a fellow who didn't exist; his true colors came out and that 'nice guy' never returned. Thanks for being a sounding board for a confused lady

Edited February 16, 2012 by BewitchedandBothered

[fallenenvy]

.... I don't think that abusive people ever find "the one" and stop. Sure they put up a front for everyone but you can never know what goes on behind closed doors....

 

I dated an abusive guy.. He started out much the same way as yours.. sweet.. affectionate.. etc... and then the abuse started..

 

Although all abuse is bad.. he was pretty horrible. Not only was he verbally abusive and isolated me from my friends and family, he became physical and beat me frequently after a bit.

 

Looking back i remember him telling me the same things you mentioned about his ex's.. how horrible and psycho they were.... i never did meet them but looking back im sure they were lovely women; or at least not the monsters he made them out to be. I remember him being furious because the one before me "lied" and told everyone he hit her... once again looking back.. i'm 99% positive he really did.

 

I know its hard but at least you got out. Don't let his "new soul mate" get to you because i guarantee you that his pattern of behavior will never ever change. He needs to blame others for his insecurities (such as his impotence) and that won't change cause he's with someone new.

 

What a rotten man.. it sends chills up me to think about it.. reminds me of my own situation. It's been over 5 years but he still gets to me. first it was missing him.. then it was being horrified at seeing him with others.. then it was extreme hate. I'm still trying to move past the extreme hate because it benefits no one. I got a small amount of satisfaction the few times he tried to "feel me out" over the years through text messages to see if i still gave a damn. I shut him down so fast im sure his ego took a hit.

 

 

YOU ARE RIGHT. He didn't exist. The only thing that existed was a front he put up to make himself attractive to you. You clearly see him for who he really is.. and the healing will take time..

 

Once again; so proud of you for at least recognizing how disturbed this man clearly is.

[BewitchedandBothered]

Thanks, Fallenenvy, for reading my elongated post. I had a lot happen and tried to 'condense' it. I am now at the extreme hate stage and ashamed that I was with him. I was warned. The person that warned me didn't know me; she only put things together on Facebook.

 

She said he is a liar and a player; tried to pick her up on FB and also a person on her friends' list. He was so manipulative that he had me block her---the same way he is having people block me, I suppose. I blocked her because he said she was 'psyco' and 'on drugs'. But after his last bout of abuse, I unblocked her and apologized.

 

She was so very sweet and said she knew I would come around, that she knew he would do a number on me. He will throw anyone under the bus to protect himself and his beloved Facebook---yes, that is how creepy things are; he is obsessed with it. If I questioned him about his behavior on FB, he would yell at me and say I am obsessed with it and that it's best I step away.

 

I got off FB for 2 weeks; when I got back on, I noticed he seemed to be on every second. Everything he put me down about were things he himself was doing. Everything he put his ex wife down about, he was doing----such as checking his cell phone at the table on our dates. He kept saying "oh..just locking my phone".

 

It hurts to think he will be caring to someone else while he put me through the ringer because I questioned things. I have to read your words of wisdom over again so it sinks in. You are a gem for taking the time to read my post and answer with your thoughts.

 

His friends still have me blocked---that part really gets to me because I am not the person he made me out to be and I can't clear my name. I loathe him. Oh----it took a lot of strength to not acknowledge his texts in August. I wanted to reply, but I knew he didn't care about how I was; he was feeling me out to see if I was the reason he was blocked by someone.

 

This woman blocked me because of him and months and months later unblocked me because she and her husband who grew up with him, saw through him and she apologized to me for the misunderstanding. What a horrific time. I have to heal; he gets to keep on going...How in heck is this fair:( Know what I mean?

Edited February 16, 2012 by BewitchedandBothered

[CopingGal]

Sorry that happened to you. Your ex reminds me of my ex. When I was dating my ex, I found out he never ended membership to at least one of his dating sites and he blamed it on the fact that he forgot the password. I forgot the password to some of mine too, but when I got messages from them, I just ignored them. He tried to act like meeting this woman on the internet and hooking up with her was not his fault.

 

My ex complained and complained about how women in the past treated him....how is ex-wife has all these problems and so does his ex gf. It took me years to figure out that he was the truly dysfunctional one.

 

My ex pretended to be somebody that he was not...lead me on for three years and then started another relationship with someone he met online behind my back, while all the while telling me I should have been more patient with him, even though he admitted that he could have put more effort in the relationship, and he did not.

 

I'm sure he will tell any future gfs about how I was mean to him and that I am dysfunctional...in his mind when he does terrible things, it's always someone elses fault, not his...yet he complains about people not taking responsibility for themselves.

 

I have to say, every man I have ever dated that I met on the internet has turned out to be a true, dysfunctional creep and a disgusting fool. I think I'm done with internet dating.

[turnera]

It might help you to learn a bit about it. The best book I know is Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds Of Angry And Controlling Men, by Bancroft.

[fallenenvy]

Thanks, Fallenenvy, for reading my elongated post. I had a lot happen and tried to 'condense' it. I am now at the extreme hate stage and ashamed that I was with him. I was warned. The person that warned me didn't know me; she only put things together on Facebook.

 

She said he is a liar and a player; tried to pick her up on FB and also a person on her friends' list. He was so manipulative that he had me block her---the same way he is having people block me, I suppose. I blocked her because he said she was 'psyco' and 'on drugs'. But after his last bout of abuse, I unblocked her and apologized.

 

She was so very sweet and said she knew I would come around, that she knew he would do a number on me. He will throw anyone under the bus to protect himself and his beloved Facebook---yes, that is how creepy things are; he is obsessed with it. If I questioned him about his behavior on FB, he would yell at me and say I am obsessed with it and that it's best I step away.

 

I got off FB for 2 weeks; when I got back on, I noticed he seemed to be on every second. Everything he put me down about were things he himself was doing. Everything he put his ex wife down about, he was doing----such as checking his cell phone at the table on our dates. He kept saying "oh..just locking my phone".

 

It hurts to think he will be caring to someone else while he put me through the ringer because I questioned things. I have to read your words of wisdom over again so it sinks in. You are a gem for taking the time to read my post and answer with your thoughts.

 

His friends still have me blocked---that part really gets to me because I am not the person he made me out to be and I can't clear my name. I loathe him. Oh----it took a lot of strength to not acknowledge his texts in August. I wanted to reply, but I knew he didn't care about how I was; he was feeling me out to see if I was the reason he was blocked by someone.

 

This woman blocked me because of him and months and months later unblocked me because she and her husband who grew up with him, saw through him and she apologized to me for the misunderstanding. What a horrific time. I have to heal; he gets to keep on going...How in heck is this fair:( Know what I mean?

 

 

It isn't fair.. or at least it doesn't seem to be. But remember.. hes probably a pretty miserable person inside. Where you will eventually heal move on and be happy.. he's always going to be a miserable ass bastard.

 

Another problem with men like this is that they often show their "good side" to their friends. They are very very good at making themselves out to be the good guy. My ex would try that crap... make himself look like the champ and me the crazy psycho bitch and then secretly beat the **** outa me cause he knew i wouldn't want other people to know. It's all part of the control they like to assert over you.

 

I know it hurts that these people have blocked you.. but one day they will see through him and they will remember wow.. i guess that girl wasn't bad like he said. And then.. he will end up like my ex.. alone and miserable. NO ONE likes him anymore. He has no friends. They all realized what a lousy person he was.

 

You'll be ok.. just keep moving forward.

[BewitchedandBothered]

Fallenenvy, you can totally read my mind. Time has past, but I find myself still analyzing and wondering. He killed the relationship and could not even be a friend. At least if it ended on good terms/normally, we could still be friend. He was playing mental games with me. He used to say stuff like "You are so petite; I love that"---later, he would 'forget' to call me, I would call him and it would be like pulling teeth to have a conversation. He then would tell me about his fantasy girl being very tall and older. I am short and 4 years younger. Everything he would tell me he wanted in a woman was totally different than what I am. naturally I would recoil and get off the phone. Then he started up again by calling me by his ex wife's name. He will always hate me for going to her and reaching out to his friends. I don't think I am a bad person for doing so; I only wanted answers and closure I wasn't getting and sadly did get that info. and now I can't help but think of him with someone else, shmoozing and being sweet, kissing her hand. it's so easy for him to simply forget about one person and move on to the other. I was blocked like I was nothing. Done with you, kind of thing. I couldn't bring myself to be that way to people; always afraid of hurting people's feelings. He will just cut you off/throw you under the bus. I am angry at myself for having wasted my precious time with him. Clearly he was only looking after his own needs...he kept saying how much he misses that 'extra income' his wife brought in--she apparently made good moolah. Then he said he missed having someone take care of him and the house. He said he just doesn't want to be alone, hence at least 5 dating sites I found him on. He was pissed I found out about that--he said he was going to tell me; I was spending a weekend with him and those sites were up. My self esteem was in the toilet. It's taking a long time to get to feeling better, but meanwhile, while I am healing from all the hurt, he just kept trolling the sites as if I never existed and found someone. I tortured myself by going through old emails and found a bunch from when we were arguing. The names he called me, the awful things he said. You just don't talk to a lady like that. He never once apologized. Ever. Still bugged by this; I feel like justice wasn't served, know what I mean? and it sucks that he takes up space in my brain. I would like to forget about him and his antics. You totally get what I'm saying. I hope you are right about the friends finding out. I know I am not that awful person he has made me out to be. Are you still healing or are you over the hump from your situation? Hope things are good with you.

[turnera]

Do you understand manipulation?

 

You are being manipulated.

[BewitchedandBothered]

I don't get what he wanted from me. He clearly didn't want sex; he couldn't perform and would often fall asleep. So confused:( he's mad because I pieced things together maybe. He used to stress what a private person he is.

[turnera]

I don't get what he wanted from me. He clearly didn't want sex; he couldn't perform and would often fall asleep. So confused:( he's mad because I pieced things together maybe. He used to stress what a private person he is.

If you aren't willing to read all the volumes of books about abuse, then you will never improve your lot in life. Please go back to the suggestions of reading material.

[BewitchedandBothered]

I don't need to improve my lot in life; just was baffled about what happened/why it happened/what brought it on.