OCD? 10 years and I can't get him out of my mind

[longhair]

Pull up a chair, I've got a doozy. This is about my un-healthy infatuation. Please don't be too harsh, but I welcome any advice on how to deal with this problem I have.

 

I am, for lack of a better word, still obsessed with thoughts of the first guy I was ever really romantically/physicially involved with. It's been over 10 years! 10! And no, I'm not a stalker, I've never followed this guy around or have a restraining order. I never want to see him in person. Its my hope that he never thinks of me more than in passing. This obsession that I have is as far as I'm concerned, has NOTHING AT ALL to do with "him". He's more an object to me that plays out in some perverse unrequited love fantasy I have. Without actually even liking the person. Its not rational, and I am 90% sure that I have OCD or OCPD that is causing this problem.

 

Here's some background: I grew up in a mostly happy household. Had siblings, my parents were and are still together. However, my dad is an alcoholic. He wouldn't drink everyday, but he would drink every once in a while when upset, and when he did drink he was not the nicest guy in the world. Total jeckyl/hyde. He could be happy one second, and then start yelling and screaming and calling my mom names, try to drink and drive, real jerk behaviour. It was the hardest thing I had to deal with growing up. It is, as far as I'm concerned, the basis to a lot of probelms our family had.

 

We didn't have a lot of money growing up either, which sucks when you don't have extra money to have all the things other kids did (new clothes, toys, cars, blah blah). Couple this with being overweight in my teens, and its a recipe for self esteem issues. I was a sheltered kid, didn't date, and had a few friends but wasn't overly popular.

 

I did ok in high school, went to college, and made some new friends. I dropped some of the weight by then, and while I felt somewhat better with my image, my self esteem still sucked. I did go out a lot more than before, and partied and drank which I never did in high school. Also, I was completely driven to find a guy to hook up with. I have what I think is a normal sex drive, but never having sex before, it was all I though about at the time. All the time. Like looking for water in the desert.

 

Though I had a few chances at parties, and fooled around a bit, I was a virgin (on paper). Second half of my first year, and I hung out with one of my friends from the residence, her boyfriend and his two buddies for a day. Nothing out of the ordinary. The guys were nice, and we hung out and chatted. One of the guys seemed to take a passing interest, and we joked around some. He was kind of a loud mouth but tall, dark and cute. A month later, I mentioned to my friend I thought he was good looking, giggled about it and thought nothing about it after.

 

Turns out she told him i was interested, and gave him my email. He was a bit of a weirdo on IM, but otherwise seemed nice enough. We arranged (or had arranged for us, I think it was a set-up date sort of thing) to go out. My friend and roommates had fun getting me dressed for my first date. I thought it was hilarious. The whole concept of dating was foreign, and hell, I like having my hair done. He picked me up and we went to the movies. By the time we got there I was nervous, and didn't help much when he kept touching my knee. Water in the desert. It didn't take much, but I got butterflies from it almost instantly.

 

He invited me back to his place, and one thing to another we ended up sleeping together. I lucked out, because for my first time it barely hurt, and I really enjoyed it. I wasn't playing the babe in the woods routine, I went over with the intention that we'd at least make out. Either way, I surprised myself that i rushed head first into it.

 

We saw each other for about a month. I could tell even after the second time that he wasn't as into it. My friends outright asked me we were in a relationship, so me being sort of naive I ASKED him (in bed) if we were, he said sure. So that was the novelty of it. I got wrapped up in the whole idea, and thought we were getting along great for about a month. Then he turned cold and distance, and didn't call me when he said he would. I got upset since I figured I did something wrong but didn't know what it was.

 

He asked to go out for coffee, and we did. He said he had to break up. It wasn't a surprise, though it wasn't a good feeling. I was ok, but embarassed. At that point I realized it was going too fast, and I had virginitis. I got really clingy without realizing it. When we were sitting in his car as he was going to drop me off at my res, I gave him a kiss. He drove to a park, we made out for a bit, and went home. I thought it was the best breakup ever. That was the end of the semester, and I figured there might be some chance of hooking back up in the fall. We were still chatting, and talking on the phone when I left home in the spring.

 

Of course, things don't work out how I want always, no matter how hard I tried to keep cool and avoid getting my heart broke. We were talking over IM, and he told me he thought of me when he had sex with his ex.... I felt like I got kicked in the gut. I sent him an email saying it would be better not to talk over the summer, and we could see about picking up where we left off when he got back to school. I figured he was trying to sugarcoat what he did to make me feel better saying he thought of me while having sex with another woman, but it was completely in bad taste. But i took it he was still sexually interested in me. I understood we weren't dating, but there was no line made between not being attracted or not interested. I thought they may just be FWB. if he was just having sex with an ex over the summer, it was his business, not mine.

 

Well, he FLIPPED! He sent me an email saying we had nothing, I was a pity ****, my friends said stuff about me behind my back (whatever), and I should kill myself. If my head could have done a 360 it would. Like, where did that come from??? He later tore a picece out of me on IM. I told him off and didn't talk to him most of the summer. I had no idea what I did, was sick to my stomach and cried for days. Even now, I still don't know why his anger to me was so extreme, except that he was back together with his gf, and was trying to get me to leave him alone as I was just a rebound. I didn't think I deserved to be treated like that. I was miserable and furious. I had this all encompassing need to tell him off.

 

This is it, I dwelled on it CONSTANTLY that whole summer. I have had looped thought patterns in the past about other things (like wanting to lose my virginity in the first place ). My parents say I dwell on things, which now I'm realizing may point to signs to OCD/OCPD. Whatever it was, the anger or the loss of control, I felt helpless to my emotions. I couldn't stop thinking about him.

 

He called me out of the blue, I'm assuming drunk, and talked "at" me for a while. He was upset, and told me off. I said nothing. Apparently he took that as an opening, because he emailed me and told me no, there was something we had and he shouldn't have said otherwise (gee thanks). I emailed him, and said my piece, that I was upset at the things he said to me. Of course, not having sex all summer after a taste and wanting to talk with him in person to fix the messed up state my mind was in, I agreed to see each other when we got back to school.

 

And we did, we hooked up a few times. It was awkward, and looking back my heart wasn't in it. I never really told him off or anything dramatic. We just kind of stopped seeing each other. I bugged him on IM, likely drunk or stoned a few times, and got labelled a stalker by our mutual "friends". I still thought about him all the time, which was the twisted part, and felt like keeping in some contact was better than none.

 

After that, I went out whenever I could and hooked up with random people. I had no desire for a relationship. It went down a bad path though when I met my bf, who was involved drugs. I had easy access to pills and coke. It turned verbally/physically abusive, and I bailed soon after. I was switching schools by my third semester, and dropped out after two months, I got a job. Started seeing another guy. Cleaned up, got back into school, dumped him, and went on with my merry life.

 

Again, this guy was always in he back of my mind. I would look at stuff he wrote on Myspace, etc. I became what I feared the most, and obsessed cyber stalker. And the more I tried to avoid thinking about him, the worse the impulse would be to want to know MORE, and fantasize MORE. It was like this part of me that indulged in some perverted fantasy that loop over and over in my mind. I couldn't break this cycle, and it would cause me to have bouts of depression.

 

Last year of school, I met the guy I'm with now, and plan to be for the rest of my life. He makes me feel loved and my normal self. I curbed my destructive behaviors, and learned how to enjoy myself around him. We've been together for 5 years. Just before we met, I talked to the object of obession one last time. He hinted at hooking up, but seeing as he had a gf I didn't want to go down the home wrecker path (turns out she may have been preggers at the time, so bonus points!). I didn't want to hurt myself getting involved with him either.

 

Still, I've got this monkey on my back. When I'm upset, or something triggers it, I'll think about him. The things that disturbs me the most 1) Since I moved in with my partner, I live way too close to this other guy, and risk running into him. I fear I may have to do a duck and run one of these days if I see him out somewhere. 2) If I'm upset, mad, or the worse, not sexually fulfilled ATM (which with the stresses of work between me and my partner does happen), I think about him. I don't have revenge thoughts (outside of I would like karma to kick his butt sometimes for the things he said), but I think about him sexually when I get stressed. I wonder about what he's up to now, and imagine having conversations with him.

 

10 years, I should not be thinking of this guy. He was a dink. So why do I think of him the way I do, or with the frequency I do? Its at least a few times a week. Its to the point I feel I'm doing my man a disservice by having another guy on my mind. It detracts from my emotional investment in my relationship, and makes me feel like I'm not 100% committed. I understand fantasizing about other people in a relationship is normal, but not in this way. Again, I think there are signs of OCD/OCPD at play.

 

Has anyone ever gone through this for this long? if you do have OCD/OCPD does this sound familiar? Are family issues at play here, or self esteem issues? Ultimately, how do I turn it off?

[beautifulearth83]

I wouldn't do anything about it. If you're in a relationship now, and you are happy, I would suggest holding on. It is my opinion that you do not need to feel guilty or like you have a dark weird secret. I understand how you may be feeling, like you are betraying the one you're with. Perhaps this gentleman is a band-aid of sorts for the triggers in your daily life, some sort of comfort zone. It is almost like you have made him into a God. I would perhaps focus on channeling that importance that he holds into spirituality or a creative hobby. I think he is perhaps a phantom over other feelings you may have.

 

I could be completely wrong, of course, but this is what comes to mind.

 

I wish the best for you.

[longhair]

I wouldn't do anything about it. If you're in a relationship now, and you are happy, I would suggest holding on. It is my opinion that you do not need to feel guilty or like you have a dark weird secret. I understand how you may be feeling, like you are betraying the one you're with. Perhaps this gentleman is a band-aid of sorts for the triggers in your daily life, some sort of comfort zone. It is almost like you have made him into a God. I would perhaps focus on channeling that importance that he holds into spirituality or a creative hobby.

 

 

I'm projecting a lot onto one person, I realize. Its just baggage. I needed to learn how to deal with it. The drinking and drug use obviously never help, just made living the everday that much harder.

That's the answer to a lot of this over-exaggerated crazy-making:

I need to focus on the here and now, and quit dwelling on the past.

 

I wouldn't make him out to be a god. He's too much of sad sack .

 

I think he is perhaps a phantom over other feelings you may have.

I could be completely wrong, of course, but this is what comes to mind.

 

Yup, couldn't agree more. Thank you for giving me your perspective.