Boundary setting question

[Ninja'sHusband]

Hi, I'm 36, my wife of nearly 14 years is 37 and my daughter is 9.

 

My wife is heavily involved a particular martial art(winning national competitions and such), she claims there is only one dojo in that she can go to that is any good. The problem is she had a 4 month affair with one of the senior students there. At first I was led to believe it had been a one night stand..and was letting them go to class on alternating days. Now I know she lied and that it was a much more involved affair, with them sometimes skipping class and going to a hotel instead.

I am currently demanding that she discontinue going to this dojo altogether. I cannot handle the worry about whether or not the OM and her are still in contact. This is really hard for her since her Sensei had just invited her to compete in Japan. I would like for her to quit the sport altogether since she will probably see the OM at seminars, conferences, and such (and where she was sexually active with him). This sport has become a pretty important part of her life, giving her self esteem and friends in a state far away from all of our family and childhood friends.

 

She claims this affair is over. I found out about it because she brought it to my attention when she got pregnant didn't know who the father was...she miscarried a week later (I've never seen her in so much pain as that). The problem is she lied about the depth of the affair...and that she seems to put this sport over our marriage. I feel our marriage will end soon because of my demand of her quitting.

 

Should I stick to my demand...and risk losing my marriage? Am I being unreasonable? Should I let her work things out with the OM and alternate classes? I think it would drive me insane. I think the affair happened partially because of how much time she had spent bonding with these people, and being away from me. Of course there are other issues in our marriage that she claims was the root..though at first she told me it was nothing I had done. We have been going to counseling often since November. I found out about the affair in late October, and learned the full scope of it on January 25th. I've read about 8 self help books so far trying to heal and fix our marriage....but this sticking point of her not quitting class may end us. I also worry about her giving in only because she is financially dependent on me, meaning she will have to quit either way. I worry if that is the case we will never truly heal because she will resent me for forcing her out of something she loves. I do love her but am truly disgusted with her lies and misguided priorities. She claims to love me still in some form...but mostly we are just trying to stick it out for our daughter. We manage to parent well together I think...though our daughter is starting to feel some effects of our troubles. I would appreciate your opinions on the matter, thanks

 

(more info, the OM's wife doesn't know about the affair. My counselor advises me not to tell...but it sure would make things easier for me if I could reach out to her. Right now I am resolved not to tell)

Edited February 16, 2012 by Ninja'sHusband

[Binster]

Tell his wife. If he's got her on his back she might stop him going places where your wife might be.

 

But really if she places the sport above your marriage you've already got your answer.

[robf1971]

Hi, I'm 36, my wife of nearly 14 years is 37 and my daughter is 9.

 

My wife is heavily involved a particular martial art(winning national competitions and such), she claims there is only one dojo in that she can go to that is any good. The problem is she had a 4 month affair with one of the senior students there. At first I was led to believe it had been a one night stand..and was letting them go to class on alternating days. Now I know she lied and that it was a much more involved affair, with them sometimes skipping class and going to a hotel instead.

I am currently demanding that she discontinue going to this dojo altogether. I cannot handle the worry about whether or not the OM and her are still in contact. This is really hard for her since her Sensei had just invited her to compete in Japan. I would like for her to quit the sport altogether since she will probably see the OM at seminars, conferences, and such (and where she was sexually active with him). This sport has become a pretty important part of her life, giving her self esteem and friends in a state far away from all of our family and childhood friends.

 

She claims this affair is over. I found out about it because she brought it to my attention when she got pregnant didn't know who the father was...she miscarried a week later (I've never seen her in so much pain as that). The problem is she lied about the depth of the affair...and that she seems to put this sport over our marriage. I feel our marriage will end soon because of my demand of her quitting.

 

Should I stick to my demand...and risk losing my marriage? Am I being unreasonable? Should I let her work things out with the OM and alternate classes? I think it would drive me insane. I think the affair happened partially because of how much time she had spent bonding with these people, and being away from me. Of course there are other issues in our marriage that she claims was the root..though at first she told me it was nothing I had done. We have been going to counseling often since November. I found out about the affair in late October, and learned the full scope of it on January 25th. I've read about 8 self help books so far trying to heal and fix our marriage....but this sticking point of her not quitting class may end us. I also worry about her giving in only because she is financially dependent on me, meaning she will have to quit either way. I worry if that is the case we will never truly heal because she will resent me for forcing her out of something she loves. I do love her but am truly disgusted with her lies and misguided priorities. She claims to love me still in some form...but mostly we are just trying to stick it out for our daughter. We manage to parent well together I think...though our daughter is starting to feel some effects of our troubles. I would appreciate your opinions on the matter, thanks

 

(more info, the OM's wife doesn't know about the affair. My counselor advises me not to tell...but it sure would make things easier for me if I could reach out to her. Right now I am resolved not to tell)

 

Pack her bags and lovingly let her go

 

'wife, I want you to be with OM, I wish you all the best'

 

Let this OM suppot her financially lol, somehow I don't see it happening. She might actually have to manage on her own for a while. Move on with your life without her. If she comes crawling back then you can deal wit that when or if it happens.

 

Oh tell this guys wife also!!

[Kidd]

Yes, you will go insane if you allow them to have contact with each other. I wish I could express how true that is. I tried to let my wife work with the OM for 90 days while they both sought transfers. After about 45 days, I was broken. I then very wisely (thanks to the people on this forum) decided to contact the other man's wife. Well, I shouldn't make it sound so neat and tidy. In reality, I lost my mind over it, left work in the middle of the day in a complete frenzy, and found the OMW. Then I drove to see my WWs parents to tell them what had happened and goodbye (since I was convinced my M was going to be over when my W found out). My W didn't leave me afterwards, by the way, and it was the best thing I ever did. Nothing ends a fantasy affair quicker than exposure and you certainly know that the other man's wife deserves to know. You are just afraid that your wife will leave you for doing it. Stop being afraid. Take charge.

 

Your W needs to go no contact with the OM for life, period. She quits the dojo. You go to tournaments with her or she doesn't go. She becomes an open book, completely transparent and answers all of your questions without defensiveness. Right now you are scared to lose your marriage. For your own health, you need to be setting down ultimatums. If she cannot be remorseful enough to do what you need to heal from her devastating betrayal of your M, you seriously don't need her.

 

Keep posting. I wish I could explain that you will come to these conclusions one way or another. I'm not saying you can't reconcile with her (those here that know me can say I am a big proponent of reconciliation). But trust me, you can't "nice" them back into loving you. If I remember right, you've been here before and were told that she must leave the dojo. You defended her. How did that work out for you?

 

Good luck to you, brother. Nothing sucks more than this.

Edited February 16, 2012 by Kidd
Typo

[YellowShark]

Resent you? Resent you for asking her to stop going to the Dojo where her affair partner goes? Come on, that is upside down thinking. Lemme get this straight.

 

1) Your wife had an affair.

2) She got pregnant by the OM

3) She now claims there is only one Dojo in town that she can go to that is any good, which happens to be the *same* Dojo that her affair partner uses.

 

WOW. She is sooo playing you dude. The boundary you should set is one that SPECIFICALLY denies her access to the man who she had an affair with, and who knocked her up.

 

YOU didn't screw things up Ninja'sHusband. SHE did. SHE has to fix things. If she was truly remorseful for getting pregnant during her affair she has to find another Dojo, and move mountains to win you back.

 

You are 100% within your right to demand she stop seeing the OM, and find a new Dojo. You are her husband and suppose to be the #1 concern in her life. Especially now since her affair has been revealed.

 

If she doesn't accept that and find another Dojo, then that tells you loud and clear that you are #2 in her world.. and OM and the Dojo are #1. Actions speak louder than words.

Edited February 16, 2012 by YellowShark

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Here are my thoughts:

1 - Set tighter boundaries. She can not go to the dojo as long as the OM is still attending classes/events. No contact! I would NOT trust the alternating days arrangement. I agree with Kidd on this.

 

2 - Tell the OM's wife.

 

3 - Is the OM an instructor at the dojo? If so, tell the Sensei.

 

I'm floored that she would go through the trauma of the "I don't know who the father is" and not see the need for strict boundaries. I've noticed a trend that many WS's really don't "get" the destruction that they have caused by acting in such a self-serving manner. It still blows my mind at how they can compartmentalize the damage and consequences.

 

Every future contact between the two of them is another round-house-kick-in-the-nuts for you. It is also disrespectful to both of their marriages.

 

I guess that the whole "honor" theme has fallen out of the eastern marital arts.

[Owl]

Many martial artist's lives are centered around their dojo.

 

Your wife is very likely in this category as well.

 

The question you need to decide is how critical is NC with OM to you (and I'm not knocking you here...I do not see how a marriage could recover with continued casual contact).

 

Can your marriage recover/reconcile/thrive if she insists on continuing on with this dojo, and competing in this particular art/format?

 

If yes...then you need to negotiate boundaries with her.

 

If no...then you need to basically inform her of that fact, and give her the choice of which she's going to place as the most important thing in her life...her marriage/family, or her continuation in this dojo/art?

 

Set a timeframe on when she needs to answer that question...and be prepared to take action with either choice she makes.

[Steen719]

Here are my thoughts:

 

 

3 - Is the OM an instructor at the dojo? If so, tell the Sensei.

 

I guess that the whole "honor" theme has fallen out of the eastern marital arts.

 

My XH and I participated in martial arts for years and also owned our own school. In the dojo we went to for years before opening our own school, there were 2 sets of black belt instructors who had an affair. We all knew it and all hell broke loose when the owner found out. Ultimately, each one of those 4 black belt student/instructors left. If this sensei is the type he "should" be, this will not be tolerated. Whether you stay with her or not, I would tell the sensei and let the chips fall where they may. This is totally on the two of them. Honor, my a$$.

 

An interesting side story to this is when we all went to a tournament, one of the bb female instructors (who was having an affair with one of the bb male instructors) left her husband home while he was having open heart surgery so that she could come to the tournament and be with OM. More honor and integrity.

 

IMHO, if martial arts is more important than you, that should tell you something right there. She has made her choice if she can't decide and her choice was not you and your marriage.

[Ninja'sHusband]

Thanks guys, it's good to hear that I'm not crazy. It's true I am really afraid to lose my marriage, it's really hard for me to play it tough on this. My counselor doesn't really support me on this. She sees telling the OMW as something I don't have a right to do. You guys have started me thinking more seriously about it though since not one of you said I should continue to withhold the info. I do truly believe the affair has stopped, I've been super watchful and she has been pretty open about her mail and whereabouts. The thing is having to constantly worry if she goes to the dojo...it almost feels like the affair is still ongoing. In "His Needs, Her Needs" it suggests exposure as a way of destroying the fantasy of an affair (Kidd I'm guessing you've read this as well ^^). I wasn't sure if it applied since the affair is technically over, but *everything* I've ever read says absolutely no contact and I've pointed this out to her many times. I have been considering telling her parents, I've already told her sister. God what Hell that would unleash on her...her mom is a bible thumping Baptist these days and my wife is an atheist....

 

As for previous stuff, I am very sure my child is my own. She was conceived right after we got back from a vacation at her inlaws place. I know exactly which time it was, and I can account for my wife's whereabouts for that entire time period.

 

She did have one other violation though and I do believe her (sometimes I doubt though) on the depth of it. She destroyed her knee about 7 years ago, broke her ACL and meniscus at the same time. She had a giant cast on her leg and was pretty drugged up. She ended up kissing this guy who came over when I was at work. Mostly I had been staying home to take care of her..but this day she convinced me to go to work. So her and this guy briefly talked about running away together...but in the end she decided to work things out with me. The OMW in this case was convinced there was a lot more going on and had the OM kick her out of the dojo (since he outranked her). This is actually a different sport(Aikido) I'm talking about now, she no longer practices since she never found another dojo she liked. I believe the story because I was around most of the time, she had very little opportunity. She was physically crippled, sex would have been very very awkward and risky. I've read all of her private emails with this guy and the only mention of the event was right after where he said he understood that she was going to work things out with me. With this new full blown affair, the conversation I found was much different (a Facebook chat), they talked about sex, plans, the whole 9yrds.

 

This new sport(Kendo) is a bit more obscure so there aren't a lot of places to train....but yeah doesn't matter, I agree. She should move mountains, and I told her it was going to take something huge to win my trust over again.

 

Something new to chew on, this isn't the only sport she practices...She's involved in two of them. The OM participates in both, but goes to a different dojo for the other sport. Oh what the hell I'll give them names, I was worried about identity. She used to practice Aikido(smaller violation), then she took up Iaido(recent affair), she also does Kendo(newest sport).

She did have an encounter at a Kendo event with her Iaido guy, but I believe that's the only time they've done both gone to a Kendo event together. They were going to see this particular sensei who came to town, OM and another guy convinced her to go. They don't go to the same Kendo tournaments, I've researched this.

 

Ug, I'm probably going into too much detail. This is my first post(well second with this msg). I've never had any other accounts, though I have read the forums many times and almost posted when I first joined a couple months ago...but held back.

 

Anyway, she's worried that I'll make her stop Kendo if she give in on Iaido. Kendo does make me nervous, but I'm not asking her to stop that. I am definitely going to be much more careful going forward though *especially* concerning special events.

[Owl]

Thanks guys, it's good to hear that I'm not crazy. It's true I am really afraid to lose my marriage, it's really hard for me to play it tough on this. My counselor doesn't really support me on this. She sees telling the OMW as something I don't have a right to do.

 

Get a new counselor. This one has no understanding of the damage done to a marriage by infidelity, nor a clue on what steps are needed in order to recover one. Plain and simple...this one isn't going to meet your needs.

 

 

You guys have started me thinking more seriously about it though since not one of you said I should continue to withhold the info. I do truly believe the affair has stopped, I've been super watchful and she has been pretty open about her mail and whereabouts. The thing is having to constantly worry if she goes to the dojo...it almost feels like the affair is still ongoing. In "His Needs, Her Needs" it suggests exposure as a way of destroying the fantasy of an affair (Kidd I'm guessing you've read this as well ^^). I wasn't sure if it applied since the affair is technically over, but *everything* I've ever read says absolutely no contact and I've pointed this out to her many times. I have been considering telling her parents, I've already told her sister. God what Hell that would unleash on her...her mom is a bible thumping Baptist these days and my wife is an atheist....

 

I agree with exposing the affair...and I CERTAINLY feel that it's justified in this case since it occurred "within the dojo" that it be taken to their sensei. Most arts include a "code of conduct" which this action would clearly violate.

 

As for previous stuff, I am very sure my child is my own. She was conceived right after we got back from a vacation at her inlaws place. I know exactly which time it was, and I can account for my wife's whereabouts for that entire time period.

 

She did have one other violation though and I do believe her (sometimes I doubt though) on the depth of it. She destroyed her knee about 7 years ago, broke her ACL and meniscus at the same time. She had a giant cast on her leg and was pretty drugged up. She ended up kissing this guy who came over when I was at work. Mostly I had been staying home to take care of her..but this day she convinced me to go to work. So her and this guy briefly talked about running away together...but in the end she decided to work things out with me. The OMW in this case was convinced there was a lot more going on and had the OM kick her out of the dojo (since he outranked her). This is actually a different sport(Aikido) I'm talking about now, she no longer practices since she never found another dojo she liked. I believe the story because I was around most of the time, she had very little opportunity. She was physically crippled, sex would have been very very awkward and risky. I've read all of her private emails with this guy and the only mention of the event was right after where he said he understood that she was going to work things out with me. With this new full blown affair, the conversation I found was much different (a Facebook chat), they talked about sex, plans, the whole 9yrds.

 

I'm going to say this, point blank. I do NOT subscribe to the "Once a cheater, always a cheater" theory. I DO however, believe that "Twice a cheater, always a cheater". She's cheated on you TWICE...it's not a mistake, not a fluke...it's a character attribute.

 

She's done this KNOWINGLY to you.

 

And even now, she continues on with behavior that she KNOWS is preventing you from rebuilding your trust and faith in her.

 

I'd give that some serious, serious thought, my friend.

 

This new sport(Kendo) is a bit more obscure so there aren't a lot of places to train....but yeah doesn't matter, I agree. She should move mountains, and I told her it was going to take something huge to win my trust over again.

 

Something new to chew on, this isn't the only sport she practices...She's involved in two of them. The OM participates in both, but goes to a different dojo for the other sport. Oh what the hell I'll give them names, I was worried about identity. She used to practice Aikido(smaller violation), then she took up Iaido(recent affair), she also does Kendo(newest sport).

She did have an encounter at a Kendo event with her Iaido guy, but I believe that's the only time they've done both gone to a Kendo event together. They were going to see this particular sensei who came to town, OM and another guy convinced her to go. They don't go to the same Kendo tournaments, I've researched this.

 

Ug, I'm probably going into too much detail. This is my first post(well second with this msg). I've never had any other accounts, though I have read the forums many times and almost posted when I first joined a couple months ago...but held back.

 

Anyway, she's worried that I'll make her stop Kendo if she give in on Iaido. Kendo does make me nervous, but I'm not asking her to stop that. I am definitely going to be much more careful going forward though *especially* concerning special events.

 

I would tell her that "You have used your martial arts participation as your 'method' of conducting an affair. Given that, it would be reasonable for me to expect you to give up ANY of these as needed in order for you to rebuild my trust and faith in you. If you're not willing to do so, if you're going to place your martial arts training ABOVE our relationship and marriage, that's all the answer I need to have from you."

 

And take appropriate action from there.

[KathyM]

Tell the OM's wife. She deserves to know. Personally, I would not be able to get past something like this and I'd be out the door if I were you, especially since your wife seems to be so matter of fact and not very remorseful based on what you said in your OP, and she only told you because she got pregnant. I would not be able to deal with the trust factor, and would be always wondering when she would decide to do it again. There doesn't seem to be adequate remorse at all. You can't, however, expect her to give up her main hobby that she loves, but you could insist that she find another organization where she could practice her hobby. She may end up seeing the OM at some events, but I think you should try to be at those events and travel with her. Take some time off from work to go there with her. Ask a relative or trusted friend to watch your daughter, and then go to enjoy your wife's hobby with her. Right now, you are totally not a part of it, and she is seeking to enjoy that hobby with the OM. Even if you aren't engaging in the hobby yourself, you can still participate/enjoy it with her by attending those events and classes with her. And tell the OM that if he ever lays a hand on your wife again, you'll be spreading the news to everyone about what a lowlife he is.

[Ninja'sHusband]

Tell the OM's wife. She deserves to know. Personally, I would not be able to get past something like this and I'd be out the door if I were you, especially since your wife seems to be so matter of fact and not very remorseful based on what you said in your OP, and she only told you because she got pregnant. I would not be able to deal with the trust factor, and would be always wondering when she would decide to do it again. There doesn't seem to be adequate remorse at all. You can't, however, expect her to give up her main hobby that she loves, but you could insist that she find another organization where she could practice her hobby. She may end up seeing the OM at some events, but I think you should try to be at those events and travel with her. Take some time off from work to go there with her. Ask a relative or trusted friend to watch your daughter, and then go to enjoy your wife's hobby with her. Right now, you are totally not a part of it, and she is seeking to enjoy that hobby with the OM. Even if you aren't engaging in the hobby yourself, you can still participate/enjoy it with her by attending those events and classes with her. And tell the OM that if he ever lays a hand on your wife again, you'll be spreading the news to everyone about what a lowlife he is.

 

She would love it if I got involved in the sport...I just have no interest and I think I would resent having to go. I haven't talked about it much here but we have been working on the "why" factor a lot and how to prevent us from getting to this point again. This part of the process has also been very difficult for me as well because I feel like she's in crisis management mode, not really doing anything sustaining. She would disagree with me on that, and I do credit her with make a lot of moves to heal us and to assure that it won't happen again. I just can't handle her going to that dojo anymore, and that's where we are at an impass.

 

Thanks guys for responding so quickly, it's amazing to hear from so many people. One more question, what kind of time frame should I give? My counselor suggested March 1st. I'm much more impatient...I'm so sick of limbo and feeling powerless to know if this marriage is going to continue. I want to heal or move on...not get stuck in limbo land. She's leaving with my daughter today to be with her sister (about 6 hours drive from my house) My daughter is on "winter break", meaning she has thurs and fri off from school. My wife wants a break from all the discussions and heartache. I asked to come as well and that we could all use a break but she refused agree to my coming along. So now I'm considering taking all kinds of actions during the 4 days that I will be alone. I could leave work today or tomorrow and contact the OMW..I could write her parents and tell them, I could move out while they are gone...it's so expensive though...I dunno.

[drifter777]

She did have one other violation though and I do believe her (sometimes I doubt though) on the depth of it. She destroyed her knee about 7 years ago, broke her ACL and meniscus at the same time. She had a giant cast on her leg and was pretty drugged up. She ended up kissing this guy who came over when I was at work. Mostly I had been staying home to take care of her..but this day she convinced me to go to work. So her and this guy briefly talked about running away together...but in the end she decided to work things out with me.

 

Clearly, the working things out with you hasn't lasted. As you note, this is the first incident of cheating that you know of and should have been the last if she truly respected your marriage.

 

I believe the story because I was around most of the time, she had very little opportunity. She was physically crippled, sex would have been very very awkward and risky.

Dude, you have heard of something called a blowj0b, right? Unless her jaw was broken, oral sex would have been easy.

 

I know you are hurting and afraid right now and having a hard time focusing on the whole disgusting mess. Your posts are full of tiny details that, in the big picture, are meaningless and serve only as distractions to your tortured mind. This is a typical reaction to your wife's betrayal. Most of us have been there and are willing to help you by relaying our experiences of those things that worked well or not so well. The people on this thread to date are solid contributors here and are providing you with excellent advice. You need to sort through and find the advice that fits your current state of mind and gut feelings.

 

All of us would agree that you are still in a state of shock and are operating right now in panic mode. You fear the impact this would have on your child, you fear losing your wife, and you may fear facing the future on your own. Trying to juggle all of these fears while processing your wife's betrayal at the same time is overwhelming and can cause you to make decisions now that you could regret for the rest of your life. If you are not seeing an individual counselor, find one and start treatment immediatly. You need someone on your side who can help sort out your feelings and deal with your problems in a way that is not so overwhelming.

 

Regarding the advice so far, Kidd's experiences are very, very similar to your situation. Listen to him.

 

Owl is a thoughtful contributor who generally advises that a betrayed husband at least try to reconcile and save the marriage. When he offers advice that you should proceed with a twice-cheating wife very carefully, listen to him.

 

 

 

 

As for me, I tell you to get to counseling ASAP and offer these suggestions:

• From this point forward demand no contact with her affair partner(s).
  
• Demand that she come clean and tell you the whole truth regarding this and any other incidents of cheating.
  
• Demand total transparency. That means she gives you access to her Facebook account(s), email account(s), cell phone(s), etc.
  
• Refuse to pay for her "hobby's" - all of them - until she begins to act like a cheater who is remorseful and demonstrates that she seriously wants to save your marriage. Simply put, stop funding your wife's sexcapades.
  

If she is willing to comply with this, you can begin the long (and I mean LONG) and painful (and I mean PAINFUL) process of reconciliation.

 

I wish you luck and peace.

[Owl]

Again...your counselor has no understanding of infidelity nor what it's doing to you.

 

There's no reason why your wife should need a matter of weeks to make her decision as to whether she chooses to continue going to this dojo over her marriage or not.

 

It's a simple choice, even if it's not an easy one.

 

You need to let your wife know ASAP that this is how you feel (and...you need to be full out willing to back up what you say with action if she chooses NOT to work on the marriage). And you need to tell your wife that you're not going to live like this for any real length of time.

 

She chooses and implements her choice ASAP. It should be a matter of days, if not hours.

 

But again...you had better be equally as sure and capable of backing up your actions either way that she chooses or not. There's nothing worse than an unenforced boundary or impotent ultimatum.

[analystfromhell]

I suffered through my wife's affair last summer and after struggling with what to do, I didn't personally contact his wife but instead sent a complete transcript of their messages back and forth.

 

My wife had several times promised not only to stop seeing this guy but actually saying she had (when she hadn't). It ONLY stopped when those messages reached the other guy's wife.

 

If two married people are having an affair everyone needs to be aware of what's going on. The two people having the affair will, at the time, feel relatively powerless to stop it. Only those around them can exert the external pressure which is needed to break the cycle.

 

It's really, really tough when it's work related and I can see how this activity which is giving her so much self esteem is difficult for her to alter but really, it's not putting bread on your table and there are plenty of places around which, if the sport is more important to her than the other guy, will no doubt suffice.

 

She clearly wants forgiveness from you- she's gotta give also. If she doesn't want to them I guess it's up to you to decide if fidelity or the continuation of your existing marriage is more important to you. It seems, unless she changes her mind, that she's already made her choice.

[standtall]

Ninja, contact with the OM has to end ASAP..do not let her use you as a doormat. I may be wrong, but I am sensing by your posts that she has the 51% in the marriage and if you don't stand up now, then your marriage is most likely head in a downward spiral while providing you with nothing but pain. If your ultimatum does not get the desired results, know that you cannot change her, you can only change yourself and the way you react to her, then start looking into the 180. Good luck.

Edited February 16, 2012 by standtall

[Untouchable_Fire]

She would disagree with me on that, and I do credit her with make a lot of moves to heal us and to assure that it won't happen again. I just can't handle her going to that dojo anymore, and that's where we are at an impass.

Thanks guys for responding so quickly, it's amazing to hear from so many people. One more question, what kind of time frame should I give? My counselor suggested March 1st. I'm much more impatient...I'm so sick of limbo and feeling powerless to know if this marriage is going to continue. I want to heal or move on...not get stuck in limbo land. She's leaving with my daughter today to be with her sister (about 6 hours drive from my house) My daughter is on "winter break", meaning she has thurs and fri off from school. My wife wants a break from all the discussions and heartache. I asked to come as well and that we could all use a break but she refused agree to my coming along. So now I'm considering taking all kinds of actions during the 4 days that I will be alone. I could leave work today or tomorrow and contact the OMW..I could write her parents and tell them, I could move out while they are gone...it's so expensive though...I dunno.

 

Score!

 

Here is what I see from your attitude. You are terrified of losing your wife... and the irony is that she has already left you. Now she senses the true power is on her side of the relationship and you look like the worlds biggest pussy to her. NOT ATTRACTIVE!

 

Now, if you want to save your marriage... you need to be willing to lose it. Draw your line in the sand. Take actions be BE more attractive. Be more confident, buy new clothes, hit the gym... ect. You HAVE to act with confidence.

 

This whole thing about not wanting to hurt her or control her... stop being a vagina. You are a man, it's time to act like it. You don't put up with this bull****... and you don't let her boss you around like a kid.

 

Put your foot down and tell her she quits the dojo NOW, without bitching or you boot her ass out of the house. Take her credit/debit cards, close down your mutual banking accounts... and get her a taxi to her parents house. Give them a full explanation as to why she is being kicked out.

 

You gotta be a hardass. Show her that you are a strong man who won't put up with her cheating crap.

 

I guarantee this affair isnt over. That's why she is bullying you into not telling the OM's Wife... also why she is on a mini vacation without you!

 

How does that sound?

[drifter777]

 

I guarantee this affair isnt over. That's why she is bullying you into not telling the OM's Wife... also why she is on a mini vacation without you!

 

[\QUOTE]

 

Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding!

 

Ninja'sHusband: Are you still listening/reading? You are getting a crash course in how to handle a cheating wife.

[Ninja'sHusband]

I am definitely drawing my line in the sand. You guys have secured me on that path. Thank you I'm not sure on the following through part though just because of the $$ involved in getting a new apt. I guess I could make her stay in with her sister...but that means I won't get to see my kid and she will miss school. I need my wife to be a mother. So yeah logistically this is tough. She definitely knows I'm on the brink already.

 

On the OMW: I emailed the OM and am giving him a chance to tell his wife first. So far he doesn't like that idea...whatever.... I may tell her tomorrow in the form of a hand delivered letter (I know the address) I'll tell her that her husband has done something terrible and that the details are inside. She has the choice to read it or not. I talked with a close friend of mine at work who I've finally let into my circle of trust, he agrees with my plan. He's not the most experienced guy with this sort of thing but it's nice to have someone I know in real life confirm my ideas.

[drifter777]

I am definitely drawing my line in the sand. You guys have secured me on that path. Thank you I'm not sure on the following through part though just because of the $$ involved in getting a new apt. I guess I could make her stay in with her sister...but that means I won't get to see my kid and she will miss school. I need my wife to be a mother. So yeah logistically this is tough. She definitely knows I'm on the brink already.

I understand your concern for your daughter's well-being,but this is a crisis situation. I think that it is more important to find a longer term (although temporary) solution as soon as possible than missing a few days of school.

 

Helping your wife financially with rent is something you probably need to do, at least in the short term. Would the rent cost you that much more than her membership & participation in 3 martial art training facilities? Diverting that money to her living expenses seems like a simple solution.

[Chi townD]

On the OMW: I emailed the OM and am giving him a chance to tell his wife first. So far he doesn't like that idea...whatever.... I may tell her tomorrow in the form of a hand delivered letter (I know the address) I'll tell her that her husband has done something terrible and that the details are inside. She has the choice to read it or not. I talked with a close friend of mine at work who I've finally let into my circle of trust, he agrees with my plan. He's not the most experienced guy with this sort of thing but it's nice to have someone I know in real life confirm my ideas.

 

 

 

No, no, no...stupid idea. NEVER tell the OM that you plan on telling his wife. You just bought him some time to come up with a viable story so if you do contact his wife, he can lay this story on her that you are slightly insane and incredibly jealous husband who accuses everyone of sleeping with his wife. He will have time to relay this to your wife. Your wife will be mad as HELL that you contacted the OM and threaten YOU that if you contact the OMW she'll leave you....blah...blah...Never see your daughter again....blah....blah...

 

You should just contact the OMW for no other reason than SHE HAS A RIGHT TO KNOW!!!

 

Personally, I would tell your wife she has to quit. Peroid. She'll tell you that the affair is over and there's nothing going on. Tell her you don't care, the guy is still there and therefore the temptation is still there." So, it's either the sport or the marriage. IT SHOULD BE AN EASY ANSWER!!! One that she shouldn't have no hesitation to answer. If she's making excuses....well, you have your answer. She values a sport more than her marriage. Therefore, values a sport more than you.

[Ninja'sHusband]

No, no, no...stupid idea. NEVER tell the OM that you plan on telling his wife. You just bought him some time to come up with a viable story so if you do contact his wife, he can lay this story on her that you are slightly insane and incredibly jealous husband who accuses everyone of sleeping with his wife. He will have time to relay this to your wife. Your wife will be mad as HELL that you contacted the OM and threaten YOU that if you contact the OMW she'll leave you....blah...blah...Never see your daughter again....blah....blah...

 

You should just contact the OMW for no other reason than SHE HAS A RIGHT TO KNOW!!!

 

Personally, I would tell your wife she has to quit. Peroid. She'll tell you that the affair is over and there's nothing going on. Tell her you don't care, the guy is still there and therefore the temptation is still there." So, it's either the sport or the marriage. IT SHOULD BE AN EASY ANSWER!!! One that she shouldn't have no hesitation to answer. If she's making excuses....well, you have your answer. She values a sport more than her marriage. Therefore, values a sport more than you.

 

Well I told him my resolve to not contact his wife was cracking, so he doesn't necessarily know the severity of the situation. This is not the first time I've contacted him, more like the third. Yeah my wife was furious the first time...but she hasn't shown much reaction since then. She was scared I was going to attack him or something. She's seen I am civil now so her fears are less.

 

Unfortunately...there's been lots of hesitation from her...which is why sometimes I think I should just walk like many of you are saying to do...but I really want to try and rebuild the marriage. I cling onto hope that it can be done. Neither one of us wants the family to dissolve. It may do so anyway, I am coming to grips with that.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Unfortunately...there's been lots of hesitation from her...which is why sometimes I think I should just walk like many of you are saying to do...but I really want to try and rebuild the marriage. I cling onto hope that it can be done. Neither one of us wants the family to dissolve. It may do so anyway' date=' I am coming to grips with that.[/quote']

 

I know it is hard, but from what I've read about your story I think it would be beneficial for you to start to open yourself up to the possibility that your wife is not who you think she is. I hope that I'm wrong, but there seems to be many indicators that when this all comes to light you will be blown away by what you don't know at this point.

 

Many of us think that we know what our spouses are capable of doing and not capable of doing. I learned that I greatly under estimated my wife's ability to lie and deceive me.

 

I feel for you. You're in for a long ride either way.

[Chi townD]

This is not the first time I've contacted him, more like the third. Yeah my wife was furious the first time...but she hasn't shown much reaction since then. She was scared I was going to attack him or something. She's seen I am civil now so her fears are less.

 

 

Well, of course she was furious the FIRST time, because you showed some balls. But, then showed that your bark is worst than your bite. She saw that you really aren't going to do anything and she can continue to cuckold you with threats if you get it into your head again to try and say something. Just tell the OMW, don't give any warning, just do it.

 

And here you are, saying that you don't want to "rock the boat" so to speak, because you don't want her getting mad at you for telling her dirty little secret. Here's the reality, you are NEVER going to reconcile with her if the OM is in the picture. Period. If you tell the OMW what's going on, your wife WILL BE PISSED!!! And she will tell you things like, " I can't believe you did that, I HATE YOU!" " I thought about getting back with you, but not after this." (re-read that one, they say it a lot) "I can't trust you." (this one is laughable, but they say it!)" We're never getting back together, I'm leaving you, He was so much better in bed than you are. I want a divorce.".....blah...blah.... this is normal and it's going to happen. But, while you are going through all of that...The OM will probably be throwing her under the bus. He will probably break it off with her. Then once she realizes that she was only a piece of ass to him. That fog might lift. Reality might get smacked back into her. THEN you're in the driver's seat!!!

[Ninja'sHusband]

Right now I'm preparing a packet to give to the OMW tomorrow sometime. I'm seeing my therapist at 8AM where she will probably try to talk me out of it.

 

I have another thread going here: SurvivingInfidelity.com - Support for those affected by Infidelity

 

I plan to bring some of these posts to the session. Haven't made the list yet but probably Owl, Kidd, and annb from the other forum will be on there.

 

I've opened up to a coworker who supports me in this as well.