Author Ninja'sHusband Posted February 19, 2012 Author Share Posted February 19, 2012 I listed a bunch of consequences my wife faced earlier. I left out the biggest one though, one I didn't impose. Her miscarriage. I've never seen her in the much pain in all the time I've known her. She felt like a murderer. Link to post Share on other sites
Kidd Posted February 19, 2012 Share Posted February 19, 2012 Lol, now I'm violent and macho. No I've never touched her. EVER. She's hit me once. I've slammed a few doors, punched things. Never her. Yes I have my problems. I'm thinking about telling her parents. Kidd, I'm confused, you said in your first post that it was the wisest thing you ever did (maybe you just meant the OMW?) but then later you were against me talking to the inlaws. I'm thinking now it's in keeping with Harley's doctrine of exposure. They're probably gonna find out anyway. She won't end things the *proper* way, by ending all contact. I'm thinking of telling her parents right now, I'm divorcing your daughter because she had an affair and won't give up classes. Now you are going to have to end up helping support her in a separate place, and she'll probably want you to pay for the same classes. I don't mean to be confusing. I told the OMW and assumed that the M was going to be over the next day. I told her father so I could say goodbye before it all got ugly. I wish I hadn't told her father. Telling the OMW was absolutely the right thing to do. It was right by her and by myself. Telling others might help end the affair but I don't think that's your motivation. I want you to still have some measure of pride in how you have handled yourself. She is still (and will always be) your daughter's mother. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 19, 2012 Share Posted February 19, 2012 Until she shows remorse, shows sorrow and IS SORRY for cheating, telling the truth and totally coming clean about everything and is willing to fight hard to gain his trust again, prove that she's worthy of a chance to make things right again, then he has to stand strong and do what he's doing. She's rude, defiant and copped an attitude with him. to me, that doesn't sound like someone who's willing to bend and put her husband first, do all that is needed to fix things. Has she gone to counseling on her own? Tried to figure out why she chose to go outside of the marriage? Unless I missed something, it seems she hasn't. I do see your point, and he should be detached around her, less emotional, angry but i'm sure that's hard to do when she isn't putting much effort in. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ninja'sHusband Posted February 19, 2012 Author Share Posted February 19, 2012 Yes we've both been to a lot of counseling, individually, and apart. See my massive post on good things she's done on page 6. I just texted her informing her that her parents now know. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 19, 2012 Share Posted February 19, 2012 Yes we've both been to a lot of counseling, individually, and apart. See my massive post on good things she's done on page 6. I just texted her informing her that her parents now know. Sorry, I've read and skimmed at the same time, obviousy this thread is long and i'm new to it. Over the next day or so I'll take time to sit and read it all so I have a better handle on more details (and I won't make an ass of myself when replying! ) How has she reacted that they now know? Link to post Share on other sites
Kidd Posted February 19, 2012 Share Posted February 19, 2012 No I doubt she knows about me telling the OMW, unless she got some message from OM...but I haven't heard anything at all. Sorry, I lost it...I had to do something. She was just so smug and sure in the phone conversation. It really got under my skin. I didn't threaten her about talking to her parents, I never even mentioned I was thinking about it. Well I did to my counselor..she was like,"wooahh, lets talk about that next time". **** it, I'm at my wits end. I just can't live like this. I'm a wreck. Now it's done Cut yourself a break. Quite frankly, many of these are natural consequences to her actions. You're going to get pissed from time to time and if she's truly remorseful, she will need to forgive you and realize that she set this path in motion. This forum can really get you riled up. I took a lot of crap for trying to be a forgiving husband. I never thought a BS could be attacked so much. Many people will just keep writing until you decide to follow the "just divorce her" advice. My gut says to slow down on the decisions. You've made a lot of them in two days. It's not a race. It takes years. If you want to divorce, no one can blame you. She broke her contract with you. But if you want to R (or to take the time to think about it), responding emotionally rarely results in the right choice. But you do need a good IC to help you thru the emotions. Stuffing them down doesn't work either; they just come out later in a less controlled fashion that might land you in jail. I would challenge you to create a safe environment for her to be able to be open and honest. Does it suck for you to have to do that? Yep. Is it fair? Nope. Infidelity sucks ***** and it couldn't be less fair for the BS. Telling her father won't be the end of the world. Just be careful to keep your own sense of integrity as much as possible. Don't lower yourself just because it's justified. But at the end of the day, the trauma does take it's toll on your sanity. You can't judge yourself too harshly. For what it's worth, I also agree that you should be very careful not to accept too much of the blame for her affair. You don't get any of it, as a matter of fact. She had other choices that were ethical. She could have talked with you, demanded counseling, even threatened to D. Having an affair is cowardly and selfish. You can own 50% of the marital problems. She gets to own 100% of the decision to have an affair. You didn't cause this. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ninja'sHusband Posted February 19, 2012 Author Share Posted February 19, 2012 It was unclear who's baby that was. It very well could have been mine. She had sex with me a couple nights later, having me unload directly into her. It was surprising to me because she had been wanting to go back to school... but i forgot about it because earlier we had been trying to get pregnant again and weren't successful. So yeah who knows. I probably had a better direct hit than the other guy who wasn't trying to intentionally impregnate. I was. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ninja'sHusband Posted February 19, 2012 Author Share Posted February 19, 2012 Holy ****, I didn't expect that. She just texted me that her parents already knew. Wow. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ninja'sHusband Posted February 19, 2012 Author Share Posted February 19, 2012 F-uc-king amazing. What dam-n planet am I on? Nothing makes sense. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 19, 2012 Share Posted February 19, 2012 Holy ****, I didn't expect that. She just texted me that her parents already knew. Wow. Wow is right.. I guess she has been talking to them.. F-uc-king amazing. What dam-n planet am I on? Nothing makes sense. Start looking at her as not the woman you married and once knew very well. She's a stranger right now, and maybe the miscarriage too has messed up on more than you realize. Plus everything else. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ninja'sHusband Posted February 19, 2012 Author Share Posted February 19, 2012 My guess is she figured I was going to tell them sooner or later, especially since D has seemed so imminent lately. So she went ahead and told them herself. Maybe the same day she told her sister that it was really a 4 month thing. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted February 19, 2012 Share Posted February 19, 2012 So you gave her the opportunity to chooseher MA or the M and she started bargaining? She thinks she should have no repercussions for her cheating? Or, at least, NOT have to give THAT up. It's not up for bargaining. So... She decided... Mainly because SHE won't give up her MA. What a selfish, selfish woman. She's STILL only thinking of herself. Even IF you stay together - she will be the same selfish gal - she's showing where er priority is, her OM. I don't believe the fair is over, at all!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ninja'sHusband Posted February 19, 2012 Author Share Posted February 19, 2012 He may not have been trying, but most likely she wanted to have his child. The unprotected sex with you a couple of days later was so you woudn't question who the father was. Or do you seriously believe that women do not know when they are ovulating? Do you actually believe your wife would have risked unprotected sex with the OM if she did not wish to become pregnant by him? This is a man she idolizes and loves. Wow again, your assumptions are amazing. Just stop posting in this thread please. They were in the back of a car, it was an impromptu thing. I found out later she had made him use protection almost every time, but they screwed up here. Neither of them claimed to love one another, I've read their private exchanges, it's true. I think if anyone of them loved each other, it was him for her. They didn't ever mean it to be a lasting relationship. They both agreed to call it quits when she got pregnant. Trust me, you really don't have enough info to make wild statements like that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ninja'sHusband Posted February 19, 2012 Author Share Posted February 19, 2012 First, just because she text you that doesn't mean it's true. Second, if it is true--why would it come as a shock to you that her parents already know? She is spending the weekend with your sister. What do you think she is discussing with her sister? The affair and your marriage and the ending of it. And positioning herself as the victim and you as the bad guy in the story as much as possible. You don't think your wife is smart enough to make a pre-emptive strike by breaking the news with her spin on it before you had a chance to do so? This woman isn't one step ahead of you, she is a country mile ahead of you. You are outgunned and you better wake up to it. Read a few posts back, I already figured that out. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted February 19, 2012 Share Posted February 19, 2012 I obviously have my disagreements with Tricia, but I do think two of her points are compelling: The unprotected sex with you a couple of days later was so you woudn't question who the father was. I don't necessarily agree that she was intending to get pregnant - nor that she could have known that she was, three days later - but since they did have unprotected sex "unexpectedly", it would be logical for her to do the same with you, as cover, in case anything happened. Like you said, it was unusual for her to have you "unload" in her - this could explain that red flag. First, just because she text you {about her parents already knowing} that doesn't mean it's true. She may have thought you were floating a trial balloon to see how she would react, so she parried and tried to cut you off at the pass, in case you were bluffing: "they already know." It doesn't really matter in the end analysis - you got to talk and say your piece; it doesn't change anything, but it sounds like things are devolving into a bunch of game playing and tactics... NH, one other area where I fully agree with Tricia is that we need to be concerned with the real-world consequences of disclosure. At this point, now that it seems more likely that you are headed down the road to divorce - whether by your choice or by your wife's - something you might want to consider are the short- and long-term effects of an ugly "knock-down drag-out" on your daughter. She is still (and will always be) your daughter's mother. When we split up, I could have gone the full-disclosure route with everyone involved - our family, social circle, etc. Once it was clear that divorce was a certainty, disclosure of my greivances would have done nothing to bring us back together, but would most likely have poisoned the atmosphere in our family, including our extended family. I made a very conscious decision that at that point (remember, this was the point of no return, as far as the divorce was concerned) what was to become a priority in my life was making it a smoother ride for our children, who were 6 and 8. I decided that they still needed both parents to be present and involved in their lives, and for us to be able to continue to cooperate in a parental relationship, even as our spousal relationship was going up in smoke. By that time, it wasn't because I loved her (I didn't), or because I hoped to get her back (I knew I wouldn't) - it was because of our children, and I don't regret my decision one bit. So I said goodbye and put away her character as a spouse, and started seeing her and dealing with her only in the context of her character as parent - a parent that I expected to remain a strong and capable parent, one that I expected to contribute her portion of the parenting responsibilities, and from whom I insisted on having my share of the parenting as well. And from there - for the benefit of our kids - we moved on. I'm not saying it's easy, that it happened overnight, that I didn't lose sleep, or torture myself with "what ifs" and all that. And this isn't one of those "oh, but we're still friends" kinds of things. Yecch - if we didn't have kids together, I wouldn't be living my life within a hundred miles of her. But deciding on that priority - the kids - early on, was the thing that kept me from doing anything rash that might poison the atmosphere as we moved out of the crash scene into "Family version 2.0." I konw you're in the middle of it now, and it's a maddening swirl, and you can't imagine how things might change and turn out. I'm just suggesting what I said before about your motives for disclosure: If you are disclosing in a way that you really believe will help things out and move things forward in a way you want to go, then go for it (e.g. telling the OM's wife seems likely to help stop continued contact, and have minimal "blowback" in the long run.) But on the other hand, if you are out of control and telling someone out of a need to lash out, that's a sign to ask yourself if it may have negative repercussions in the long run. It's not that you don't have the right to tell the truth, or that you aren't justified. It's up to you. Just try to keep a clear head as you go along as to what the real-world consequences might be in the long run, and you'll need to be honest with yourself to do that. Good Luck... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ninja'sHusband Posted February 19, 2012 Author Share Posted February 19, 2012 Just had the final M ending conversation with my W or ExW or whatever she is now. She told her parents last week. We are done, she's not going to work on this marriage any more. She won't quit her sport, she knows its unfair to me to keep going. So there's the "yep she values it me than the marriage" She doesn't want to work through the other stuff. It's too late. All the crap reasons I didn't know about that made the affair start..too late to work on them. She held it in, had an affair, ruined my ability to appreciate what she enjoys in life. Yup its over. What a stupid bitch. And I have to coparent with her for the rest of my life. God what hell. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ninja'sHusband Posted February 19, 2012 Author Share Posted February 19, 2012 I guess the question now is what do I tell my family, I'll probably tell them the whole thing. Why save her honor, what's the point. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 19, 2012 Share Posted February 19, 2012 Just had the final M ending conversation with my W or ExW or whatever she is now. She told her parents last week. We are done, she's not going to work on this marriage any more. She won't quit her sport, she knows its unfair to me to keep going. So there's the "yep she values it me than the marriage" She doesn't want to work through the other stuff. It's too late. All the crap reasons I didn't know about that made the affair start..too late to work on them. She held it in, had an affair, ruined my ability to appreciate what she enjoys in life. Yup its over. What a stupid bitch. And I have to coparent with her for the rest of my life. God what hell. Time to go into detach mode and coolness too. Meaning, ONLY deal with her and have conversations with her about your daughter, the house and finances. ANYTHING else, (personal or whatever) is off the table and no conversations will happen. You NEED to rise above it when you're around her or talking to her on the phone. BE the bigger person and never ever show her how you feel inside, never show your emotion to her, she'll use it against you. I am suggesting strongly that you all do family counselling together to help with the changes and adjustments, put your daughter first and hope your (ex)wife does the same. No reason to get nasty (well there is, but not on the expense of your kid) and let this blow up into world war 3.. I guess the question now is what do I tell my family' date=' I'll probably tell them the whole thing. Why save her honor, what's the point.[/quote'] Yes, tell your family, you need them and their support. Tell your friends too so you have tons of people to help if you need them. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted February 19, 2012 Share Posted February 19, 2012 Just had the final M ending conversation with my W or ExW or whatever she is now. She told her parents last week. We are done, she's not going to work on this marriage any more. She won't quit her sport, she knows its unfair to me to keep going. So there's the "yep she values it me than the marriage" She doesn't want to work through the other stuff. It's too late. All the crap reasons I didn't know about that made the affair start..too late to work on them. She held it in, had an affair, ruined my ability to appreciate what she enjoys in life. Yup its over. What a stupid bitch. And I have to coparent with her for the rest of my life. God what hell. Aw ****... I'm so sorry. I agree with WWIU. Start to segment her into her characters. "Spouse" is gone. "Parent" is for issues around your daughter. Think of her as a "business partner" character for any issues of finances, mortgage, etc. Be cool, even when you don't feel like it. When you are talking to her as parent, try not to let the spousal crap come up - stay on focus: your daughter. And especially, don't trash her to your daughter. Around your daughter, you continue to treat your STBX with parental respect, and you expect that everyone else (incl. your family) will support her in her role as parent of your daughter, too. Stay cool - don't do anything rash, don't make any rash decisions or commitments. Think things through. "I'm not going to talk about that right now." "I'm not going to make that decision right now." Don't do anything in the heat of the moment (including putting your fist through the drywall, OK?) Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 19, 2012 Share Posted February 19, 2012 Joining a gym right now and doing some boxing or working out might be a good idea.. Will let off steam and help you get that anger out and it'll also tire you out so you can sleep at night without having a racing mind. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ninja'sHusband Posted February 19, 2012 Author Share Posted February 19, 2012 I wish I could throw up, I'm literally ill. I'm not going to trash talk to my daughter. I don't know what I'm going to tell her. I have a long new road ahead of me on education on what to do there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ninja'sHusband Posted February 19, 2012 Author Share Posted February 19, 2012 Well, now I'm super sure I did the right thing by telling the OMW. I hope she read it. My exW will go back to Iaido, probably with OM there. They could very well start up again. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted February 19, 2012 Share Posted February 19, 2012 Im most mad that she told her family it was over and she wasn't gonna work on it bEFORE she told you! Sheez, still NO respect or regard for YOU. Going away this weekend without you said it all to me. You just don't do that - if you're intending to get connected/reconnected. She's selfish to the core. I'm really sorry... :-( Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ninja'sHusband Posted February 19, 2012 Author Share Posted February 19, 2012 Im most mad that she told her family it was over and she wasn't gonna work on it bEFORE she told you! Sheez, still NO respect or regard for YOU. Going away this weekend without you said it all to me. You just don't do that - if you're intending to get connected/reconnected. She's selfish to the core. I'm really sorry... :-( Thanks She said that she thought it was ending when she called her parents. Yeah I guess that's kinda the idea. Found out the trip away this week was my therapist's suggestion. Yeah great, give her a break and send me into torment. I told my exWW that I had no idea what she was going to come back to, that I would probably drive myself insane. Yup Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted February 19, 2012 Share Posted February 19, 2012 So - while she was continuing to lie to you she was planning to stab you in the back AGAIN - all the while pretending to be a good wife? That is just one big fat liar! Never trust her again! Man - she is a piece of work. Link to post Share on other sites
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