Boundary setting question

[Owl]

NH...if it's her choice to divorce, then make sure she's the one who funds/finances the divorce the most.

 

I'm not saying that you have to go out of your way to "do her wrong"...but...I'd also suggest that you not let your sense of nobility get the better of you and leave you financially crippled because you "wanted to do the right thing by her".

 

Get a good divorce lawyer. Follow his/her advice, and do everything you can to protect yourself and your children from your wife's choices and actions.

 

Time to change your focus on what you can do to fix your marriage to what can you do to take care of yourself and your family.

 

Oh...and get rid of that therapist. Seriously...sounds like this person is doing you far more harm than good!

[nofool4u]

Should I stick to my demand...and risk losing my marriage? Am I being unreasonable?

 

Absolutely not. What? She expects that going away to competitions without you is now an acceptable practice since she has proven herself to be a lousy cheater? I don't think so.

 

Losing your marriage? A marriage to a cheating wife isn't a marriage to begin with.

 

Do this instead, insist that you go with her to these competitions and whatnot. What do you want to make a bet that she won't like that?

 

 

Should I let her work things out with the OM and alternate classes?

 

Well first of all, depending on the "dojo" and the type of martial art, saying its the only good one is a load of crap. She wants to be there because the OM is there.

 

Another thing you can do is accompany her to her class. Tell her you'll read a book. Again, what would you bet she won't like that?

 

I found out about the affair in late October, and learned the full scope of it on January 25th. I've read about 8 self help books so far trying to heal and fix our marriage....but this sticking point of her not quitting class may end us.

 

Well first of all, her marriage should come before her hobby. Not saying people can't have hobbies while married. But she f###d that up when she spread her legs for this other guy.

 

Secondly, it is in NO WAY appropriate, respectful to you, or acceptable for her to stay in ANY kind of contact with the OM, even if it is in class.

 

She either quits altogether, goes when OM doesn't go, and allows you to come along without complaint. If any of these is unacceptable to her, that means she still wants to be able to shag someone when away from you.

 

 

I also worry about her giving in only because she is financially dependent on me, meaning she will have to quit either way.

 

So not only did she screw a guy from this class, you are paying for it to be possible? Thats gratitude from her for you.

 

 

I worry if that is the case we will never truly heal because she will resent me for forcing her out of something she loves.

 

Thats her problem. She screwed that privilege up when she betrayed your trust by attending this hobby.

If she ends up resenting you for not accepting her completely unacceptable behavior, and expects it to stop, then you need to tell her to move out.

 

 

(more info, the OM's wife doesn't know about the affair. My counselor advises me not to tell

 

Your counselor is only saying that because they probably feel it isn't going to help you heal from this.

 

Telling the OM's wife isn't about you healing. It is 1) giving the OM's poor unsuspecting wife the knowledge of what kind of an ahole she is married to so she can make informed decisions on her life, and 2) its about seeing if your wife will end up defending him and getting angry that you hurt him(even though he did this to himself).

 

Because if you tell the OM's wife, and your wife gets angry with you for doing so, you know where her heart lies and will know she needs to be given a pink slip.

 

Because any truly remorseful WS that has a BS rat the OM/OW out, will understand and care more about their spouses feelings rather than that of the OM/OW.

 

 

..but it sure would make things easier for me if I could reach out to her. Right now I am resolved not to tell)

 

Then I'm not sure what to tell you. You'll have to let this OM get away with it. His feet won't be held to the fire, you won't find out if your wife gets angry that you ratted him out, and since you don't want to cause a rift with regards to her and her hobby, I'm afraid you have 2 simple choices.

 

1) divorce and get it over with

 

or

 

2) suck it up and let her hold all the power, and put up with her doing what she wants. Because right now you are saying that you are afraid you will lose the marriage if you put your foot down. Even though you really have no marriage to a woman like this, you are the one afraid to stand up for yourself. And as long as you are, then you'll be wrapped around her finger, she holds the power, and you will have to put up with her behavior, and what she wants.

 

My advice, again, she has a choice. Quit altogether her martial art, or you get to accompany her to classes and competitions. If she objects in any way, there is your answer and I'd advice divorce(and ratting out OM)

[nofool4u]

From what I understand MA fees would not be included in an alimony payment calculation. So I don't think the law requires me to support that activity. TBH the law will probably make me pay more than I want to' date=' and like you said, it's temporary. I don't have enough money to duplicate our current house, we'll both have to downsize of course.[/quote']

 

 

Alimony? If you divorce, you fight alimony tooth and nail.

 

Unless you forbid her to work, I don't think she'll have a good case for alimony. Unless its temporary while she finds a job.

 

And if she can get alimony, this is where I wish the court system would undergo a huge overhaul. She gets to cheat on you, and you have to pay her. Real nice. I guess if she gets to cheat and you end up paying, you really could call her a wh0re.

[nofool4u]

Well' date=' now I'm super sure I did the right thing by telling the OMW. I hope she read it. [/quote']

 

Oh, didn't see this. Good for you.

[nofool4u]

Please Lawyer up. Your wife is WAY AHEAD of you on this and you will need a sharp legal mind to cover your butt. Sorry you're going through hell at this point in your life!

 

And get the most ruthless attorney you can find. One with a reputation for fighting dirty. You will need it with a alimony grubbing skank like your stbXW.

[Owl]

For seven years?

 

What for seven years? Being in martial arts? I've got gi pants with more mat time than that. Seven years of being involved with OM? We don't know how much for how long at all. Seven years of being with other men? There's been nothing offered to support that conclusion, unless I've missed a post somehwere by NH that said that she'd hopped guy to guy as you've claimed.

 

She could have been with others during that time, or she could have been with this one OM for that long, or she could have been off and on with him during that time...we don't know, based on the posts we've seen.

 

But I don't see where the "MA groupie" thing came from.

[Trimmer]

She could have been with others during that time, or she could have been with this one OM for that long, or she could have been off and on with him during that time...we don't know, based on the posts we've seen.

 

But I don't see where the "MA groupie" thing came from.

It comes from a strong tendency to project her internal fantasies onto the OP's situation without evidence. Then when she gets called on it, she turns around and says "oh, so you're defending the WS, fine then..."

 

...maybe she learned it from her mother....

 

what's to say that she hasn't been cheating...

 

Maybe her father was thinking...

 

I think the sister's over-reaction was an act and she knew about it too, probably for a long time.

 

Sensei probably passed her off to the current OM

 

she probably would try to land "scalps" by bedding down...

 

I'm sure many were happy to oblige her.

 

she's probably continuing the affair even after being caught...

 

I'll bet she was probably originally attracted to him because of that.

 

Maybe she got sick of hearing him play "Stairway" over and over.

Your fantasy is not the OP's reality.

 

Really, she's "probably" being passed around at the dojo, and "probably" trying to land scalps by bedding down men?

 

My point is not to defend the WS but to point out that this hysterical over-exaggeration is not helpful or supportive of the OP, it's just flogging him with your own issues.

[Kidd]

Or...she's not a "groupie" at all, but someone who got emotionally and physically "tangled up" with someone she shared time and energy with in the same hobby/sport.

 

Usually the "groupies" you refer to aren't normally part of the sport. They're peripheral to it.

 

Seems like you're going really hard out of your way to make the situation appear worse than the OP has posted. I'm curious...why?

 

Because someone has been feeding the hydra again.

[Kidd]

Alimony? If you divorce, you fight alimony tooth and nail.

 

Unless you forbid her to work, I don't think she'll have a good case for alimony. Unless its temporary while she finds a job.

 

And if she can get alimony, this is where I wish the court system would undergo a huge overhaul. She gets to cheat on you, and you have to pay her. Real nice. I guess if she gets to cheat and you end up paying, you really could call her a wh0re.

 

Welcome to a no fault divorce state. He'll certainly be paying alimony.

[2sunny]

I forget how long the marriage is...

 

But usually 10 years or less, here, pays for half the time they were married. If married 8 years he would pay for 4. But it appears they may be beyond the 10 year mark since his child is 9...

 

After 10 years - here where I am - he would pay for life. It IS to his advantage to get his stbxW earning money!!!

[jnj express]

Since you haven't seen an atty., and are probably gonna try to do some of this yourselves----you should go to google---hit your state's name, followed by family codes

 

Go thru everyone of the family codes from beginning to end, and you will know the law, as it is in your state, pertaining to everything about divorce, custody, property division, alimony---everything---and then you go from there

[2sunny]

I just looked at the character traits that are reinforced through your wife's MA program.

 

She needs to quit!!!!!!

 

Seems she missed the mark on putting all of those prominent and key character traits into action in HER life! Since she hasn't learned to HER core what the point is while she's there - she shouldn't be there - or you should inform her instructor how she may perform well, but she hasn't learned what the point is of all that expensive "hobby" instruction.

 

She's failed to work on being a woman of honesty, integrity and respect. The list goes on and on and I'm not sure what she's been learning.

 

She may have the physical part down - but it says she should have learned how to be a woman of deep values with unwaivering character qualities at a high standard... That is NOT her!

 

She's not mentally strong either - she's shown weakness in her fear and anguish. IF she was skilled at this sport - she wouldn't live in fear.

 

What a waste of your money to begin with... She thinks she's respected - but she's also been pretending to have this mastered... Which is also a farce.

[Ninja'sHusband]

NH: I'm sorry your situation has so quickly gone down the toilet. I guess that since you waited a few months before posting here, you must have felt that things took a hard turn toward seperation & divorce when you started this thread. You did a good thing coming here to get feedback regarding your situation and how you should proceed. I think some of us felt a sense of urgency, which may account for many of the harsh comments that have been posted here.

 

You may feel like you are reaching some sort of final resolution - namely divorce, but you will still have some emotional hurdles on the way. Nothing proceeds smoothly from this point on and I would advise you to stay in touch with us here at LS as long as you continue the emotional rollercoaster.

 

Oh yeah things were already down the toilet when I made the first post. I had already made the demand that she quit the MA about 2 weeks before.

[2sunny]

Oh yeah things were already down the toilet when I made the first post. I had already made the demand that she quit the MA about 2 weeks before.

 

But she wasn't honest with YOU about it. She already decided to end the M and failed to tell YOU. She had told her Dad and her sister and the counselor - but not the one that was IN the M = you! There's NO honor in that.

 

She intended to mislead you and use you as long as you would have ALLOWED her to.

 

Stop ALLOWING her to participate with you now. Cut off her flow of money - because that helps her to have more options and choices for HERSELF.

 

Protect what self dignity YOU do have left... By having a solid healthy boundary so SHE is forced to get busy working.

 

Better to be proactive about self preservation at this juncture...she has shown evidence she thinks of you last - so guess who she's thinking of = herself - herself and her MM! Not you - not your daughter, just herself and him....

 

See the counselor and tell him/her what has happened - and that the guidance ( if that's the guidance he/she was giving) wasn't helping to get the M back on track - quite the contrary.

 

What new developments happened today at home or at work?

[nofool4u]

Welcome to a no fault divorce state. He'll certainly be paying alimony.

 

Then that makes her a wh0re in just about every sense of the word. Merriam-Webster's definition of wh0re, description #3, is enough.

 

And unless he FORBID her to work, I don't see why she would get it, unless the court rules that she gets it on a temporary basis to find a job. And hopefully that temporary period would be short lived. Because it sucks that someone can cheat, and get spousal support on top of that. The laws in those states need to be changed.

Edited February 21, 2012 by nofool4u

[2sunny]

I'm suspicious of WHY she told you... What was her basis for telling you - to working the M or to say she wanted out?

[Owl]

Then that makes her a wh0re in just about every sense of the word. Merriam-Webster's definition of wh0re, description #3, is enough.

 

And unless he FORBID her to work, I don't see why she would get it, unless the court rules that she gets it on a temporary basis to find a job. And hopefully that temporary period would be short lived. Because it sucks that someone can cheat, and get spousal support on top of that. The laws in those states need to be changed.

 

What's the point of pushing the wh0re comment? The use of that term or not really makes no difference, unless it makes someone feel better about themselves.

 

He's divorcing. Hopefully he'll get an attorney who can get the best deal possible for him legally.

 

Unfortunately, infidelity really doesn't play much of a factor in pretty much the vast majority of western countries when it comes to divorce. You'd not only have to change those state laws, but pretty much every "modern" society that doesn't count infidelity as a factor in divorce settlement.

[nofool4u]

What's the point of pushing the wh0re comment?

 

Because she gets to have sex with other men, and the OP will probably have to pay her. Nice huh.

So not only did she already fulfill MW #3 description of he word, she now fulfills the rest of the descriptions. Like I said, she is pretty much one in every sense of the word. Just a difference in who actually has to pay up here.

 

If the shoe fits...and call a spade a spade.

[2sunny]

How are you doing NH?

[astraith]

My wife cheated on me as well, and we are trying to work it out. As far as I know she hasn't lied to me SINCE I asked her about the affair.

 

However, if I find out that she did, and she refuses to cut all ties with the guy who she cheated with ... then I would dump her ass. Of course I havent been married for 14 years. To sat good bye to all that would be hard.

 

BUT SHE ALL READY SAID GOOD BYE WHEN SHE MESSED WITH ANOTHER MAN. She choose to not care about her daughters feelings, her husbands feeling, your best friends, her and your family. She said screw it all. And if she isn't thankful you haven't left yet and not on her knee's begging for forgiveness then the problem within her heart is still there.

 

So thats what I think.

[2sunny]

My wife cheated on me as well, and we are trying to work it out. As far as I know she hasn't lied to me SINCE I asked her about the affair.

 

However, if I find out that she did, and she refuses to cut all ties with the guy who she cheated with ... then I would dump her ass. Of course I havent been married for 14 years. To sat good bye to all that would be hard.

 

BUT SHE ALL READY SAID GOOD BYE WHEN SHE MESSED WITH ANOTHER MAN. She choose to not care about her daughters feelings, her husbands feeling, your best friends, her and your family. She said screw it all. And if she isn't thankful you haven't left yet and not on her knee's begging for forgiveness then the problem within her heart is still there.

 

So thats what I think.

 

You had to ASK about the affair? What has she told you about the A? Everything? What is she doing to repair the damage she caused?

[Ninja'sHusband]

I'm suspicious of WHY she told you... What was her basis for telling you - to working the M or to say she wanted out?

She got pregnant, possibly the OM's. Probably wanted to be fair to the OM if it was his...but it died a week after I found out. If she had known she was gonna miscarry, maybe she never would have said anything about the affair. That's probably why she lied about the extent of it, only wanted to admit to what she had to.

 

Oh and I don't think she knows about the OMW knowing anymore. She was pissed that I called her Dad, and what he told her that I said. I found evidence there's been a lot more texting with the OM than I thought, in particular on Feb 2nd and Feb 6th. A few messages on V-Day as well. She talked with him on the phone for 17 minutes the day after I found out it had been a 4 month affair.

 

She's locked off her laptop from me now. I'm guessing she has a new secret email address. Who knows what the hell she's doing now. I contacted an attorney but they haven't responded...maybe should try a different one.

Edited February 23, 2012 by Ninja'sHusband

[2sunny]

How are you holding up NH?

[Ninja'sHusband]

How are you holding up NH?

 

Not good. I'm a complete wreck. The pain is unbearable. So devastated. Can't work... just a total mess. Can't believe my family is going to be ripped apart by this. Thx for asking

[2sunny]

What are you doing to take charge of things that you CAN change?