2sunny Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 So - to address the original question - what exactly is the boundary? What are you willing to do/not do for her? What are you willing to put up with/not put up with from her? What actions are YOU going to take to enforce those healthy boundaries with her? IF you don't have a firm plan of ACTION - you will get eaten alive...just prompting you to be decent to yourself - so don't think you need to get all defensive. Since you aren't looking out for YOUR best interest - I'm just trying to prompt you to... Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 I spent a week crying, unable to work after the ultimatum failed, the pain was unbelievable, the worst I've ever experienced. I faced it. I can live live without her now, what I am worried about is our daughter. Hell, right now I have no W. She doesn't act like my W. I've accepted that. That pain has come and gone. The pain I'm scared of is the pain of hurting my daughter. That's my real fear. I've partially dealt with that pain, that was part of the pain that week I spent away from work. The difference is we haven't actually told my daughter or moved apart yet. There'll inevitably be more pain for all of us there. If you are calling out my fear of that, then yeah, there's truth there. I'm not in denial of it though. It's real, it may happen and I'm afraid of it. You didn't cause it - your wife did - and still does with her decisions. Your daughter will be ok... If you make choices in her best interest. Know that her Mom won't. She won't - she has made it clear she is thinking of herself! Your daughter mainly needs to know that she is loved. Give her that. Tell her things will change - but not the love you have for her. Tell her that Mom has made some terrible choices and those choices have consequences. She can learn a life lesson from this. Don't protect your wife from the chaos she has created. If your daughter asks questions - tell her to ask Mom for those answers. Don't talk badly about Mom - especially by giving details. Just remind your daughter that you love her and are willing to take care of her. Most kids just want to know they are safe and loved. Give her that. Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 I spent a week crying, unable to work after the ultimatum failed, the pain was unbelievable, the worst I've ever experienced. I faced it. I can live live without her now, what I am worried about is our daughter. Hell, right now I have no W. She doesn't act like my W. I've accepted that. That pain has come and gone. The pain I'm scared of is the pain of hurting my daughter. That's my real fear. I've partially dealt with that pain, that was part of the pain that week I spent away from work. The difference is we haven't actually told my daughter or moved apart yet. There'll inevitably be more pain for all of us there. If you are calling out my fear of that, then yeah, there's truth there. I'm not in denial of it though. It's real, it may happen and I'm afraid of it. Ok, I see. I wish you all the luck and happiness in the world. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 It seems you constantly want to guard your loved ones from pain. It's NOT possible! Life and living serves up pain! Be realistic! What you DO with adversity shows your character - or lack of... Show your daughter what a person needs to DO when they have courage, strength and honor in the face of a destructive wife and mother! To sit there and take it is not showing your daughter qualities that she needs to learn! You are showing her "how to lay down and cry - miss work - and do nothing about it all " - when someone seriously harms our family! Show her what's real! You hurt me and my daughter and I will cut you out so fast your head will spin! THEN and only THEN maybe your wife might get it! And it sends a clear message to your daughter that you @uck us over with intent - and we will make you suffer the consequences of your choices! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ninja'sHusband Posted March 9, 2012 Author Share Posted March 9, 2012 You didn't cause it - your wife did - and still does with her decisions. Your daughter will be ok... If you make choices in her best interest. Know that her Mom won't. She won't - she has made it clear she is thinking of herself! Your daughter mainly needs to know that she is loved. Give her that. Tell her things will change - but not the love you have for her. Tell her that Mom has made some terrible choices and those choices have consequences. She can learn a life lesson from this. Don't protect your wife from the chaos she has created. If your daughter asks questions - tell her to ask Mom for those answers. Don't talk badly about Mom - especially by giving details. Just remind your daughter that you love her and are willing to take care of her. Most kids just want to know they are safe and loved. Give her that. These will be things I will have to deal with if we do actually separate on June 30th. I've been reading about what to say...this book (Sandcastles) said to say that D isn't a choice and that we couldn't have tried harder and made it work for their sakes. I threw the book down and haven't looked at it since. F that, there's a choice, you can make things work...if both partners are willing >( My current thought is to say that Mommy is deciding to leave...but unfortunately my W and I will have to work out what to say together. We absolutely cannot break out into a fight the day we tell my daughter. So yeah that's all up in the air. If I want to push my W away, probably the best way to do it would be to use my daughter as a manipulation tool against her. Pretty sick thing to do at my daughter's expense. So yeah, only going there if we separate. And only because I'm not going to feed my daughter lies like, "We decided to D". Noooo, Mommy decided to D. She's the one who had the affair, she's the one who is having the MLC, she's the one who is intent on leaving. Yeah, it's on her hands. I'll have no part of it, and that includes kicking her out, if she leaves, it's HER choice, HER responsibility with no way to blame me. What to tell my daughter? I dunno, that's gonna be hell to figure out, but I WON'T LIE! That's for damn sure. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 The evidence YOU show is this: You have no boundary You're willing to let her walk all over you and then you ask for more You don't respect yourself How can you possibly expect HER to respect you when you don't respect you? It's not possible! I'm trying to get you to respect yourself honey! Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 IF you separate? OMG!!!!! Ok - good luck with that man... Keep your head in the sand - you're bound to get your a$$ whooped! Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 Pay another visit to the MM's wife and ask her what she thinks of the info you dropped off... Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 IF you separate? OMG!!!!! Ok - good luck with that man... Keep your head in the sand - you're bound to get your a$$ whooped! Please back off 2sunny. He is in pain and you are not helping. He has not been perfect but he has done better than most. Much better. He is in a bad place not of his choosing and is doing the best he can. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 Hang on to the bitter end - she will take you down. Have you checked to see what new credit cards she's opened? What money is moved into her new bank account? FYI - when my H cheated I moved 65k into my own account th day after I found out he was cheating. I also closed all credit cards while he was away on a trip with her - he had no access to money. I changed the locks and filed for D - mainly because I didn't want to be paying half of what he was spending... Which I WOULD have been responsible for IF I hadn't filed. In the end - he tried to pin 40k he spent AFTER the separation on me - I had documents that I never spent it- HE did! And now it was only HIS responsibility since HE spent it on him and his OW while we were separated. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 Please back off 2sunny. He is in pain and you are not helping. He has not been perfect but he has done better than most. Much better. He is in a bad place not of his choosing and is doing the best he can. Pain is there for a reason - its an indicator that something needs to be done... As in ACTION. His pain won't go away unless he starts taking some of his power back - or AT THE VERY LEAST stops handing it all to her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ninja'sHusband Posted March 9, 2012 Author Share Posted March 9, 2012 Hang on to the bitter end - she will take you down. Have you checked to see what new credit cards she's opened? What money is moved into her new bank account? FYI - when my H cheated I moved 65k into my own account th day after I found out he was cheating. I also closed all credit cards while he was away on a trip with her - he had no access to money. I changed the locks and filed for D - mainly because I didn't want to be paying half of what he was spending... Which I WOULD have been responsible for IF I hadn't filed. In the end - he tried to pin 40k he spent AFTER the separation on me - I had documents that I never spent it- HE did! And now it was only HIS responsibility since HE spent it on him and his OW while we were separated. Sounds like he was a real crook, sorry you had to go through that. I've been watching the bank stuff (as well as phone and email). Haven't seen anything funny. My eyes are open. I keep waiting for evidence of a new email account. Haven't seen that yet. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 So I can tell you what you want to hear... Ahhhh, there there... It will all be ok. Let her stay and treat you and your daughter like second rate people - that's ok. And allow her plenty of time - time to eat up all your money. And see her MM whenever she wants and don't you dare get mad. Let her go to Japan - she deserves her time away with her MM after all it IS out in the open now. And when she gets pregnant again - don't be surprised when she expects YOU to be happy about having MM's baby and raise it as your own. And be sure and make her really comfortable so she won't leave you - just let her do whatever she wants, ok? Watch as she burns through hard earned money - meanwhile packing lingerie for her trips away. Don't say a thing and don't do anything to get her mad by pointing out her unacceptable behavior! Just go along with a woman who treats you like trash ok? And when your daughter grows up and treats you and her husband the same way - understand that she learned that it was acceptable by YOUR example - by staying. She will have the idea that a man stays even if he's treated poorly. Yep, just DO that... I guess that's what you want to hear? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ninja'sHusband Posted March 9, 2012 Author Share Posted March 9, 2012 Sigh....Sunny.....I know you're trying to help. Thing is I don't think you listen to a word I say. You read what you want to and hope to make me act out in sudden war the way you did. Maybe it'll make you feel better about how you ended your M. Yup, you ended your M. You own that 100%. Your exH owns the A 100%. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 There is no way to feel good or better about a long term marriage ending. Don't mistake my words for thinking its good. It's just that when the end comes - its useful to understand it for what it is - the end. Then do what makes that ending be over with as fast as possible...dragging it out longer is torturous. Mine took 2-1/2 years to get finalized. It was agony! Link to post Share on other sites
eamherst14051 Posted March 10, 2012 Share Posted March 10, 2012 Your inaction will come back to haunt you NH. You have to become pro-active in a legal sense and prepare for what I believe is the inevitable. Right now you are beaten, you can hear it in your response and that’s understandable but at some point in the not do distant future you’re going to have to pick yourself up off of the mat for not only yourself esteem’s sake but for your kids’ sake. Look at it this way, paternity fraud is everywhere and now father’s wrongly accused of paternity are fighting to get those damages overturned. However the court system in some cases is saying: Well Mr. Smith, we agree through DNA that baby Jane is not really your daughter but since you have been paying child support for x amount of years we will hold you liable for the remainder because YOU DID NOTHING ABOUT IT IN A DECENT TIME FRAME!!!! In my onion the longer you let this situation stay status quo the greater your chances of losing more than just a spouse! Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted March 10, 2012 Share Posted March 10, 2012 Yup' date=' you ended your M. You own that 100%. Your exH owns the A 100%.[/quote'] I have to disagree with you here. Although cheaters try to blame shift otherwise to the spouse that they cheated on, the cheater that was in the affair owns both the divorce and the affair 100%. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ninja'sHusband Posted March 10, 2012 Author Share Posted March 10, 2012 Your inaction will come back to haunt you NH. You have to become pro-active in a legal sense and prepare for what I believe is the inevitable. Right now you are beaten, you can hear it in your response and that’s understandable but at some point in the not do distant future you’re going to have to pick yourself up off of the mat for not only yourself esteem’s sake but for your kids’ sake. Look at it this way, paternity fraud is everywhere and now father’s wrongly accused of paternity are fighting to get those damages overturned. However the court system in some cases is saying: Well Mr. Smith, we agree through DNA that baby Jane is not really your daughter but since you have been paying child support for x amount of years we will hold you liable for the remainder because YOU DID NOTHING ABOUT IT IN A DECENT TIME FRAME!!!! In my onion the longer you let this situation stay status quo the greater your chances of losing more than just a spouse! Not sure what you mean here. There is no illegitimate baby. My W miscarried a week after she told me she was pregnant. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted March 10, 2012 Share Posted March 10, 2012 I wanted to ask - what exactly is your W doing every day - all day long while your daughter is at school? Why can't she work while the child is in school? What is she taking up her time doing? Link to post Share on other sites
dariusbenedict Posted March 10, 2012 Share Posted March 10, 2012 Hi Ninja'sHusband, i have been in your shoes about 9 years ago. although the difference is the scenario. my wife's affair started as an innocent conversation about her dissatisfaction of our marriage and that leads to one thing and another. we have joined a marriage group who themselves are experiencing and passing through the pain of infidelity. we have came to know situations how an affair came to start. and one trend shows... most of them started with an innocent conversation. and if at that moment both of us have set a clear boundaries on how we should conduct ourselves to persons we seems to like, we could have spared ourselves with pain we went through. and when the affair came into the picture, boundaries became a crucial ingredient to our recovery. it would seem unreasonable at first because her longing to see the person especially they have had a physical contact. but in the long run, the wisdom of it will come to light more and more. both of you must first agree to save the marriage. then identify boundaries that could threaten your marriage and then set and agree on certain boundaries that both of you can work on. assure her that every time she feels like breaking the boundaries, it is safe to tell you so she won't have to lie to you. that she can trust you with her feelings. it would be a painful and difficult journey, but recovery after an affair is possible. extramarital affairs are like addictions. they are a hard habit to break. since marriage is never about one person, both of you will definitely have to bear the consequences of it. but will it be worth it? well, it depends on how much you want to save your marriage. but i tell you, it is worth every pain that you have to endure. at least to my own experience. when we have recovered, she has loved me more that ever. i pray that both of you will be able to pass through this without so much complications to your daughter. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
eamherst14051 Posted March 10, 2012 Share Posted March 10, 2012 Not sure what you mean here. There is no illegitimate baby. My W miscarried a week after she told me she was pregnant. It was meant as a metaphor. Meaning that your inaction will be perceived by the legal authorities (ie. Court) that you are in fact complicit with what took place and in fact support your wife's activities. Basically you a cuckold who wanted to be a cuckold due to inaction on your part. Not good! Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted March 10, 2012 Share Posted March 10, 2012 It's true. Doing nothing IS actually doing something. It allows a person to continue with a pity party while placing blame somewhere else for what is happening. Instead of doing something about it - which is what could be taking place. Meanwhile - you ARE to blame for NOT taking action. Instead of doing nothing - do something. Otherwise - you become the victim... The victim of you because you didn't do something. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ninja'sHusband Posted March 12, 2012 Author Share Posted March 12, 2012 It was meant as a metaphor. Meaning that your inaction will be perceived by the legal authorities (ie. Court) that you are in fact complicit with what took place and in fact support your wife's activities. Basically you a cuckold who wanted to be a cuckold due to inaction on your part. Not good! Yeah, this is why I need to get the attorney thing scheduled. I have a guy that actually responded to me. I was debating whether to use him as personal counsel or our mediator guy. Probably counsel. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted March 13, 2012 Share Posted March 13, 2012 You need your own attorney. Otherwise she's gonna eat you alive - especially given the evidence that you already tend to hand her all your power. Just get the atty and don't plan to speak to her... Tell her to speak to your atty. Don't allow her enough access to money to obtain an atty... If she wants to hire one - tell her to earn her own money and pay for that herself with her earned money. Link to post Share on other sites
Funsize Posted March 15, 2012 Share Posted March 15, 2012 You are one pathetic man. That is all, You are way beyond help. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts