Author Ninja'sHusband Posted April 16, 2012 Author Share Posted April 16, 2012 Very true. And frankly, I think oftentimes the man who is cheated on (the victim) ends up taking on a lot of the blame after the wife comes clean and puts all that crap on him for why SHE had the affair. While I agree that in a lot of cases, both contribute to the marriage going south, I certainly didn't think I did anything that should have led to my ex having an affair. After my ex-cheated she had me convinced that I needed to make changes (which I did), but over time I became angry with myself for buying into a lot of the garbage she handed me. For instance, I was working FT and going to college FT at night after work trying to get my degree completed a bit quicker. I knew it took a toll but it was for a short 18 months with the goal of getting into the profession I sought quicker. I admit that I had a lot of school and a lot of studies back then and I did miss a few things with she and the kids. But I always tried to make up for it when I could. As a result of her affair, I quit school and tried changing a lot of things. Six months later, I was convinced that in reality, those things had little to do with her affair, and in my opinion, she'd simply created those as "issues" to justify her wayward actions. Eventually I was back in school finishing up and as I told her at the time, marriages should be able to endure short-term hardships like 18 months of college without an affair being the result. I suspect a lot of guys end up like I was at that time in my life. Blaming themselves for FAR TOO MUCH in an effort to save to get the marriage and get it back on track. Yeah THIS comes from someone who I can completely identify with. Same experience...ugh... My first goal when I found out was to figure out "why" so we could prevent it from happening again. She was like, "I dunno why, something's wrong with me. I'll go to counseling." Well after lots of soul searching and sessions, she successfully BLAMESHIFTED! "I would have never had an A if our M was strong. It was because of everything over the last 14 years!" I think Sparks nailed the real reasons in another thread: Self-esteem, conflict avoidance. I think her's is a big fat MLC. Doesn't justify it(2Sunny), just makes me understand it a bit better and helps to search for better support. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ninja'sHusband Posted April 16, 2012 Author Share Posted April 16, 2012 The only way you're going to get her to open her eyes (if she wants to open them), is by filing for divorce and then leaving the house. If you don't want to leave the home, then you need to file for divorce and then implement the 180 until you're able to leave. Why would she fight for your marriage when you're treating her with kid gloves? She's going to play the happy homemaker and do as little as possible to help you heal until you give up and stop bothering her. If that's true, than that sux cause it will be over at that point. The very thing I've been avoiding will have already happened and I won't care anymore. If she comes running back, I won't feel so inclined to put my already damaged daughter back into a situation where it could happen all over again. Screw that, it'll be done. See why I want to only do that as a last resort? If we D...it's over, we're Ded. D won't fix our M, it's the end of our M. I'll do everything I can to make things right before I go there...once I'm out of options and things are unbearable...I'll D. Right now? There are things I haven't tried. Link to post Share on other sites
Bellechica Posted April 16, 2012 Share Posted April 16, 2012 NH, I want it to work for you.....I think I feel your pain and it is frightening. You seem like such a loving soul. Link to post Share on other sites
SandieBeach Posted April 16, 2012 Share Posted April 16, 2012 Watch those boundaries Belle Alice, are you implying what I think you are implying?? NH, watch out! :D:D Link to post Share on other sites
Steen719 Posted April 16, 2012 Share Posted April 16, 2012 Watch those boundaries Belle If I could tell you how much I needed that laugh....oh goodness, Alice.:lmao::lmao::lmao: Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted April 16, 2012 Share Posted April 16, 2012 I don't think you're changing your approach to this at all. I think you're actually loosening your boundary to accommodate her continuos contact (by seeing OM on Friday). And then reinforcing HER bad behavior by going again this Friday. She shouldn't even be going! You stated earlier you would divorce her if she continued this - yet she continues and you keep finding more reasons to give her MORE rope to hang herself. There's nothing to save - she continues to destroy what used to be good. All her fluff is overcompensating so that you don't D her but just let her DO whatever she wishes. You're HER gravy train. Plain and simple. You keep looking for the grey area - yet she really has left it black and white. A wife who INTENDS to fix what she's broken doesn't act like your wife is acting. She's NOT the woman you thought she could be. Link to post Share on other sites
Bellechica Posted April 16, 2012 Share Posted April 16, 2012 Touché Alice! Wow.....when you put it together like that it doesn't look good. Sorry NH.... But it's true....he seems nice and I want her to wake up and realize she's got a second chance!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ninja'sHusband Posted April 16, 2012 Author Share Posted April 16, 2012 Alice, are you implying what I think you are implying?? NH, watch out! :D:D LOL, noo. Kidd and I are in competition for Spark (j/k!! j/k!!) Someone mentioned EAs on LS... Link to post Share on other sites
SandieBeach Posted April 16, 2012 Share Posted April 16, 2012 LOL, noo. Kidd and I are in competition for Spark (j/k!! j/k!!) Someone mentioned EAs on LS... I could definitely see that happening....vulnerable BS needing a shoulder to cry on....you begin to feel like someone truly understands what you are going through. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ninja'sHusband Posted April 16, 2012 Author Share Posted April 16, 2012 I could definitely see that happening....vulnerable BS needing a shoulder to cry on....you begin to feel like someone truly understands what you are going through. TBK..."ahem" Link to post Share on other sites
SandieBeach Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 TBK..."ahem" Hahaha....totally...TBK is my buddy....he's going to help me waterboard my husband, haha:D 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ninja'sHusband Posted April 17, 2012 Author Share Posted April 17, 2012 Hahaha....totally...TBK is my buddy....he's going to help me waterboard my husband, haha:D WOw! That's a dangerous post to have around! Better edit fast....oh wait... :D Link to post Share on other sites
SandieBeach Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 WOw! That's a dangerous post to have around! Better edit fast....oh wait... :D Ok, kidding, kidding, KIDDING moderators...waterboarding is BAD! i meant waterboard figuratively, whatever that means 1 Link to post Share on other sites
The Blue Knight Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 Yeah THIS comes from someone who I can completely identify with. Same experience...ugh... My first goal when I found out was to figure out "why" so we could prevent it from happening again. She was like' date=' [b']"I dunno why, something's wrong with me. I'll go to counseling."[/b] Well after lots of soul searching and sessions, she successfully BLAMESHIFTED! "I would have never had an A if our M was strong. It was because of everything over the last 14 years!" I think Sparks nailed the real reasons in another thread: Self-esteem, conflict avoidance. I think her's is a big fat MLC. Doesn't justify it(2Sunny), just makes me understand it a bit better and helps to search for better support. I got that bolded line from my ex-wife word for word. Amazing isn't it? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
The Blue Knight Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 Hahaha....totally...TBK is my buddy....he's going to help me waterboard my husband, haha:D Let's at least give him a chance to screw up one more time before we strap him to the board. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
The Blue Knight Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 TBK..."ahem" Ha Ha Ha . . . I've been in those "odd" situations at work where you're helping the girlfriend or spouse who is victimized (often physical abuse) and the victim begins projecting feelings on you because of your helpfulness. That's when I look for one of my partners and suggest they don't leave. One thing is for sure. It's good that the hundreds of hurting people in this forum are anonymous with many miles between them or I fear the worst could be the result. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ninja'sHusband Posted April 17, 2012 Author Share Posted April 17, 2012 One thing is for sure. It's good that the hundreds of hurting people in this forum are anonymous with many miles between them or I fear the worst could be the result. Actually, I was commending Belle for coming here, for that very reason. At least she's turning to random faceless strangers instead of other real life men. Still not as good as going to her BH, but better than OM. That was part of the problem with my WW. She was talking to OM about her issues with me, before she even told me about some of it! And as for distance, yeah Kidd actually PMed me a while back wanting to get together to talk; turned out we live thousands of miles away from each other. Link to post Share on other sites
The Blue Knight Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 Actually, I was commending Belle for coming here, for that very reason. At least she's turning to random faceless strangers instead of other real life men. Still not as good as going to her BH, but better than OM. That was part of the problem with my WW. She was talking to OM about her issues with me, before she even told me about some of it! And as for distance, yeah Kidd actually PMed me a while back wanting to get together to talk; turned out we live thousands of miles away from each other. Agreed. The last man she was bouncing her "other man" problems off of in person she ended up in bed with. Not good. Here, she's safe and there's adequate barriers and fail-safes built in that prevent it from going any further. Often what your wife did is exactly what leads to the affair, although I would suggest that it's not always by accident. That's a way of tossing in a fishing line to see if the person they have eyes for are interested. A simple little "innocent" complaint about your spouse will send that signal out to the person you have intentions for, and depending on where they are at, they may receive it as such and from there, it's all downhill. Link to post Share on other sites
Bellechica Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 I think the fishing line comment has merit. I debated between telling a gay male friend or exOM. I actually spoke with the gay friend before the PA with AP1 and told him I wasn't fulfilled. In hind sight I should have told him about the LD AE.... Confessed more.... When I told exOM, I think I trusted he wouldn't cross boundaries with me. He didn't for a long time. He acted like he cared about my M except he told me not to tell. Then I eventually trusted him and felt connected. I refused the physical advances at first then he started talking soul mate crap and I fell for the crap. NH.....please tell your wife that she is losing you...that OM is just fantasy...not real even if he thinks so..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ninja'sHusband Posted April 17, 2012 Author Share Posted April 17, 2012 NH.....please tell your wife that she is losing you...that OM is just fantasy...not real even if he thinks so..... I don't think she's after OM. She just wants to train. I just don't trust her with OM. I think she's naive about it. I sent her an email on Sat night I think: I can train and bond with you through (MA), but it will not be sustainable if (OM) is there. I will not be able to heal. Things are not ok even if I seem that way. For this to heal you need to have no contact with him for life. I can't do threats though. Been there, done that. She's read the email. My spying ways tell me that. Link to post Share on other sites
Bellechica Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 I do MH as well but it doesn't come before my family. Even if your W has an opportunity to compete for a national title, she should choose you and your DD. my career is more important to me than MA but I am looking for another job because exOM triggers me when I see him...I don't see him often, but when I do it creates a whirlwind of emotions. You're WW should know that and want to avoid those feelings..... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wanderer25 Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 I don't think she's after OM. She just wants to train. I just don't trust her with OM. I think she's naive about it. I think she does not love you enough to be married to you(atleast for now). Maybe she does not love the OM but I think she considers the OM to be a better catch than you. (The pregnancy and confession so that he can have parental rights). You know, his stock price is higher in her eyes. Link to post Share on other sites
Bellechica Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 NH, my exOM wanted me to have a baby w him. He is D and wants another child. I would never give him that. Your WW has no idea what she is losing in you. She isn't thinking... I'm not thinking clearly either but dang....tell her to wake up Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ninja'sHusband Posted April 17, 2012 Author Share Posted April 17, 2012 I think she does not love you enough to be married to you(atleast for now). Maybe she does not love the OM but I think she considers the OM to be a better catch than you. (The pregnancy and confession so that he can have parental rights). You know, his stock price is higher in her eyes. Might all be true. Tough ****....I'm the father of her child, she is the mother of my child. OM is married with kids, and he's an adulterer. What's he got that I don't? Uhh, well he's advanced at her MA, according to her is more confident. I think that's about it. She actually resents him now for not telling his W, or quitting class himself (selfish on her part yeahh) If she's smart we'll rebuild. One of Harley's lure lines to get her into counseling with him was, "Can you agree to the goal of being in love with the father of your child?" More to your point, If you dig back through this thread you'll find a time when I was crushed because she responded to my threats of D by actually wanting to D, telling me she didn't love me anymore, moved out of the bedroom and bathroom, took off her rings, etc I think love can be rebuilt...and is being rebuilt. She's come back sooo far from where she was a few weeks ago. Problem is, the wounds are being reopened for me constantly. Why did she stay during that crazy time she was intent on D? She's got nowhere to go. I'm fully aware of that. But at the same time we are rebuilding emotionally, in spite of all the crap. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 I don't think she's after OM. She just wants to train. I just don't trust her with OM. I think she's naive about it. I sent her an email on Sat night I think: I can't do threats though. Been there, done that. She's read the email. My spying ways tell me that. I think she is pining after her OM. That's why she's totally unwilling to set things right with you. I also think you are now not believable to her with ANY threats...because you went backwards on your original boundary. I do think you aren't seeing or knowing what's really happening in your wife's mind but the fact that she's not helping you to understand every thought and every action she has means she's not interested in helping you have confidence she won't cheat again. The way she's acting (especially that perfect wife stuff and overcompensating) make me VERY suspicious that she's still communicating with or seeing her OM on the sly. If I had been in your wife's shoes last Friday and I wanted my H to feel respected and getting a clear idea that I was considering our M first - as soon as I'd seen the OM there I would have grabbed my husbands hand, given him a big kiss and whispered to him "let's go home now honey". Did she DO that for you; to ease your mind? It also would send a huge and clear message to that scumbag that had the balls to show up. What did she do? Link to post Share on other sites
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