2sunny Posted April 19, 2012 Share Posted April 19, 2012 NH, you have to tell her what YOU want. I think she is still in love with the OM and there is a part of her that wants a D because she thinks then the OM will leave his W and they can be together. She's fantasizing. Tell her what she has to do so she wakes up and either does the work or quits. You're the one in charge NH. I want your M to work and you're so good to forgive, but she has to love you enough to do everything you need. He has done all this and she only answers "NO"! She's not left him any options. Kind of a "like it or leave it" attitude for sure. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ninja'sHusband Posted April 19, 2012 Author Share Posted April 19, 2012 Do you have her passwords? Yes, I do. I can also see who see texts\calls on the phone online account. She's not doing anything fishy right now. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted April 19, 2012 Share Posted April 19, 2012 Yes' date=' I do. I can also see who see texts\calls on the phone online account. She's not doing anything fishy right now.[/quote'] That you know of... Always put that after your response. Look for a hidden phone then. In her car, trunk or purse or a locked suitcase in the closet or garage! Place that VAR today!!! There's so much you don't yet know! I guarantee it! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ninja'sHusband Posted April 19, 2012 Author Share Posted April 19, 2012 NH, you have to tell her what YOU want. I think she is still in love with the OM and there is a part of her that wants a D because she thinks then the OM will leave his W and they can be together. She's fantasizing. Tell her what she has to do so she wakes up and either does the work or quits. You're the one in charge NH. I want your M to work and you're so good to forgive, but she has to love you enough to do everything you need. Believe me I've told her. Over and over and over and over and over....onnn and onnn like brrooken record.... That's what Harley was telling me had to stop. She needs to hear some of this from an expert...and our current counselor doesn't believe in telling people what to do. She's so wishy washy. Harley actually termed it pretty well. He called her an "insight" therapist. Someone who helps you understand the situation, but not necessarily what to do so much. Link to post Share on other sites
Bellechica Posted April 19, 2012 Share Posted April 19, 2012 Could she have purchased a tracphone? Does she let you check her purse? Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted April 19, 2012 Share Posted April 19, 2012 If you divorce her and have to pay spousal support - it will be your best money spent for your freedom. Freedom from a woman who knows she's got you by the balls and is willing to trample all over them. Stop paying for anything that helps her, even food. Tell her to figure it out herself. Take your daughter out to eat each night. Leave the cheater at home. Tell your daughter you don't intend to interact or eat a meal with a woman who doesn't respect or honor her husband. That's enough for her to know Mom isn't doing things properly like a "good and perfect wife" should be doing. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted April 19, 2012 Share Posted April 19, 2012 As for the Harley's- some of us here have more experience and degrees in this than they do. Just saying. Don't assume we don't have credentials... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 19, 2012 Share Posted April 19, 2012 You have to get a new therapist. This one you are using is not helping, not solving things at all. Infact, she's so passive and that's not helping YOU move along forward, it's keeping you at a stand still. Find a GOOD marriage counsellor and start over. That is, if there's any point in continuing with MC.. Good luck with the lawyer this afternoon. Does your wife know you have an appt? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ninja'sHusband Posted April 19, 2012 Author Share Posted April 19, 2012 That you know of... Always put that after your response. Look for a hidden phone then. In her car, trunk or purse or a locked suitcase in the closet or garage! Place that VAR today!!! There's so much you don't yet know! I guarantee it! Believe me I've hunted...any more searching and I'd be a psycho path. I've gone through her drawers, purse, backpacks, MA gear, car, etc. I don't do it that often because it take so much effort... But yeah I watch for other stuff, other secret accounts, other physical items, etc. So far no sign. She's pretty busy too with school right now. She really doesn't have time for an A anymore. According to their private conversations with each other they weren't in love, though he claimed to have an attachment, and that he doesn't form or break attachments easily. WW doesn't really make much sense. She said she wasn't in love but also talked about an emotional bond that formed =\ Supposedly as soon as the pregnancy happened they mutally agreed to call it quits, that they always meant it to be secret and temporary anyway. I have logs of my W telling him that his W was more important and that my WW would never pretend to have that place...or gaahhh Here's the FB conversation quote hm, I dont and have never/will never expect to compare with your wife/family you love them So I don't think it's the extreme case of a crazed OW trying to split the family up to get to OM. I really think she wants to be rid of him, kinda like Belle here. I prob will never know the extent of her true feelings for him, but w\e. I do know she's pissed at him now whatever her feelings were then. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ninja'sHusband Posted April 19, 2012 Author Share Posted April 19, 2012 You have to get a new therapist. This one you are using is not helping, not solving things at all. Infact, she's so passive and that's not helping YOU move along forward, it's keeping you at a stand still. Find a GOOD marriage counsellor and start over. That is, if there's any point in continuing with MC.. Good luck with the lawyer this afternoon. Does your wife know you have an appt? I actually have another MC I looked up a while back. I mentioned her to my W last night. I might setup a trial sometime just to feel it out. My W doesn't know about the lawyer apt. I kept it secret because I don't want it to come off as a threat. Already played that game, failed. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted April 19, 2012 Share Posted April 19, 2012 There's no way to have anger without a deep level of loving and caring. She's angry with him... Hmmm Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 19, 2012 Share Posted April 19, 2012 Not looking to split them up but keep the A going, enough that their feelings and egos are being fed. She's not looking to leave and divorce you, give up the marriage, yet she has no problem still going ahead to do as she pleases because she feels entitled to it. The actual seriousness of the A is over ,but they ARE attached to one another, addicted to the feelings that an affair brings out. Fact. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 19, 2012 Share Posted April 19, 2012 I actually have another MC I looked up a while back. I mentioned her to my W last night. I might setup a trial sometime just to feel it out. My W doesn't know about the lawyer apt. I kept it secret because I don't want it to come off as a threat. Already played that game, failed. Then get the D papers ready and use them when the time comes........Sorry to say this, but it'll be sooner rather than later. By summers end, if that, something will change.. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted April 19, 2012 Share Posted April 19, 2012 I wouldn't pose it as a threat - just a statement. "I have an appointment today to get the divorce started since you don't show evidence of working to repair this damage you caused" Nice and firm but matter of fact... A business transaction at this point since she's not emotionally investing in this marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ninja'sHusband Posted April 19, 2012 Author Share Posted April 19, 2012 I wouldn't pose it as a threat - just a statement. "I have an appointment today to get the divorce started since you don't show evidence of working to repair this damage you caused" Nice and firm but matter of fact... A business transaction at this point since she's not emotionally investing in this marriage. This meeting is more educational for me, I'm not committed to start the process yet. When I made the appt I wasn't really firm on telling sensei yet. The appointment doesn't hurt (well except for $$)...it's good to have and it get clear on laws in my state. Link to post Share on other sites
Bellechica Posted April 19, 2012 Share Posted April 19, 2012 Here's the FB conversation quote So I don't think it's the extreme case of a crazed OW trying to split the family up to get to OM. I really think she wants to be rid of him, kinda like Belle here. I prob will never know the extent of her true feelings for him, but w\e. I do know she's pissed at him now whatever her feelings were then. If I had a dollar for everytime I heard the exOM say he didn't want to break up my M.......he would say that then the next day say he loved me and couldn't take not having me 100 percent to himself and that we are soulmates and meant to be together. Don't underestimate how strong the feelings can be. It is possible to loathe someone and still have longing. I do hope she loves you and that she snaps out of her fog..... Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted April 19, 2012 Share Posted April 19, 2012 This meeting is more educational for me' date=' I'm not committed to start the process yet. When I made the appt I wasn't really firm on telling sensei yet. The appointment doesn't hurt (well except for $$)...it's good to have and it get clear on laws in my state.[/quote'] I agree but SHE doesn't need to know that! Get the paperwork from the atty today and at least start filling it out. It's a lot of papers and info. You need to be on the offensive insteade of not being "ready to take action". You could easily file them and have her served! Why not? She may get motivated to DO anything when she knows you're actually DOING something in response to HER DOING MOTHING TO FIX IT! You can wait as long as you want to FINALIZE it - at least get it in the works since she's not willing to change. THAT is a clear message to her that you're not going to take her crap anymore. And no need for any discussions - just tell her the evidence of your intent is in what you're DOING. Fling is a good way to show that you won't take her $hit anymore without consequences. With every action comes a reaction. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted April 19, 2012 Share Posted April 19, 2012 (edited) Proceed with the atty as if you intend to file. Only way for her to experience what she has created. You are only taking action on the only option she's left you with. Since she's not willing to fix it - there's no reason to waste time and energy pretending like its ok to live within a broken marriage with a serial cheater. I'm sure there's been more than two... You just never found out. Her character is consistent - she doesn't consider or value you and the marriage. So, in actuality, you're just throwing away what she's broken. No need to keep broken things around when here's no value if they can't be fixed. Tossing them out makes room for new healthy relationships. Makes room for a woman who actually lives and honors you - as long as you don't choose the same kind of gal. Do counseling to be sure that you never settle for so little ever again! It's time to focus on YOU getting to a healthy place! Ignore the wife - ignore all interactions. Do not give her access to ANY money or credit cards. Get busy doing good, thorough offensive actions that take care of YOU and your daughter. The cheating skank should be an afterthought given the new info. Have the atty give you figures on what your spousal support should be and child support when you have 50% custody. Additionally, have him figure out what the numbers will be when she has an income from the schooling that she's going to finish. This is determined as "estimated income from her likelihood to obtain employment". Edited April 19, 2012 by 2sunny Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted April 19, 2012 Share Posted April 19, 2012 I agree but SHE doesn't need to know that! Get the paperwork from the atty today and at least start filling it out. It's a lot of papers and info. You need to be on the offensive insteade of not being "ready to take action". You could easily file them and have her served! Why not? She may get motivated to DO anything when she knows you're actually DOING something in response to HER DOING MOTHING TO FIX IT! You can wait as long as you want to FINALIZE it - at least get it in the works since she's not willing to change. THAT is a clear message to her that you're not going to take her crap anymore. And no need for any discussions - just tell her the evidence of your intent is in what you're DOING. Fling is a good way to show that you won't take her $hit anymore without consequences. With every action comes a reaction. I agree with this. She has, time and again, devalued you as a person and as her H. She has on numerous occasions basically told you to "F_ck off". As you have said NH, you have repeatedly told her, in no uncertain terms, what you want and need to try and R and move forward. Her result was, well, "screw you". Your M is over. Her ACTIONS, to me, say I don't care about NH as a person. I like his support and money but not NH the person. It's certainly how she IS treating you. I would see your lawyer, file and have her served. I know it's not what you want NH, but your stbxw no longer values this M. Now IC for you is all bout YOU, your grief, learning lessons and preparing for your new life. You'll make it. It's foolish to think otherwise. File, ask your atty if you can move out and do so. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ninja'sHusband Posted April 19, 2012 Author Share Posted April 19, 2012 Telling sensei will come before filing. It's my last card before D. If I don't try everything I can, I'll never be able to face my daughter when she's old enough to understand. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted April 19, 2012 Share Posted April 19, 2012 I agree with jwi - except the cheater should be the one to be required to move. She cheated - its her consequence to move. She can ask Daddy for the money for her new apartment... Daddy gives her anything she asks him for. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted April 19, 2012 Share Posted April 19, 2012 Telling sensei will come before filing. It's my last card before D. If I don't try everything I can' date=' I'll never be able to face my daughter when she's old enough to understand.[/quote'] At least bring home and fill out the necessary papers. It may take a week to get them filled out. No reason not to take your truth to sensei today. No reason to wait at all! Her consequences need to come at her so fast right now that she's scrambling to keep up with your demands of getting her out.her head needs to be spinning from all the chaos that SHE'S created. 5 minutes before your appointment - send her a message that tells her you have an appt. come home and drop the papers on the kitchen counter.tell her to move out. Be sure she has NO access to money! If she does - she will take everything available. Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted April 19, 2012 Share Posted April 19, 2012 Telling sensei will come before filing. It's my last card before D. If I don't try everything I can' date=' I'll never be able to face my daughter when she's old enough to understand.[/quote'] Bull****. That's a lie you tell yourself because you DON'T want the M to end. You're daughter will be just fine. I can PROMISE your daughter WILL understand and will NOT blame you. File for D with cause (adultery), get you and YOUR daughter I to therapy to help with this transition. 2Sunny, I hear what you say but I doubt his stbxw will WANT to move out do he has to. As long as his atty says ok, he moves and they begin custody visitation rights. It's more a practical step and an effort to prevent the argument of who leaves. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted April 19, 2012 Share Posted April 19, 2012 Ok then - rent yourself a nice little place with a view. Take any and all furniture you wish to have. Don't leave anything behind you want to go back for - she more likely wont give you anything further once you move. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted April 19, 2012 Share Posted April 19, 2012 Guys, you can tell NH a million times to leave but, if he doesn't want to leave his marriage, he won't. So all you're doing with your steadfastness is turning what you say to buzzing in his ears. He wants to hear advice on what works to KEEP his marriage and still get what he wants. How about brainstorming on ways to accomplish that? It doesn't matter what YOU would do; what matters is what he wants. So try to help him. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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