Boundary setting question

[The Blue Knight]

Yeah my analogy is more like if I was in a band that was nationally known' date=' and I had an A with the singer. Would she allow me to tour with that band? She dismissed that based on the fact that it was the group that was known vs her individually.... =\ Misses the point entirely...[/quote']

 

If you were in a national-known band Ninja, I'd come see you perform . . . as long as you're not doing rap. Here's a working name, "The Wayward Ninjas"

 

Even that analogy you used loses some meaning since being in a nationally-known band would be a JOB and therefore probably relate to an INCOME, neither of which is the case of a her belonging to a martial arts school.

[2sunny]

This is a good way to show her what her actions create. It creates change! And you have a right to look out for you and your D while she looks out for who she always looks out for = HERSELF!

[2sunny]

 

If you were in a national-known band Ninja, I'd come see you perform . . . as long as you're not doing rap. Here's a working name, "The Wayward Ninjas"

 

Even that analogy you used loses some meaning since being in a nationally-known band would be a JOB and therefore probably relate to an INCOME, neither of which is the case of a her belonging to a martial arts school.

 

Lots of bands have broken up for this very reason. It's not new!

 

Either that or the spouse divorced them... Like Bruce Springsteen...

[The Blue Knight]

I used to have a friend who cheated. Looked a bit like your W. no remorse - no conscience.

 

Was married 27 years. Always need that external validation that men found her attractive - even at the expense of embarrassing her husband publicly.

 

She actually had the gall to accuse him of being half the blame because he didn't pay enough attention to her! What a total @itch she's being! I don't view her as a friend anymore...I view her as completely broken and void of recognizing how OTHERS must feel by her actions! Her kids watched while she created this mess!

 

She always described him as "weak and in love with me" - " I could do anything and he won't leave me". She's always been the entitled one acting as if she deserves to be on that pedestal. Meanwhile treating him like an afterthought - mainly concerned that he make more money- be gone often - and be sure to handle their investments wisely.

 

Seems recently he got a healthy boundary. He's divorcing her - mainly because SHE WON'T CHANGE.

 

And she too got pregnant and was wondering whose baby it was. She wanted my support. I told her I wouldn't support bad behavior.

 

I also told her when she grows a conscience and OWNS HER BEHAVIOR and wants to change that old behavior to new behavior - then we have something to talk about.

 

Until then - she's out creating more messes for her life.

 

I'm glad for her H - he deserves better than the way she's treated him since they were teenagers.

 

Seriously, a woman sending naked pictures of herself to my male friends is NOT a woman who acts married. My male friend asked me "why is _____ sending me naked pictures?" I said "she pretends to be married but actually does whatever she wants."

 

Some people just don't know how to be decent human beings.

So we're talking about a woman who is nearly 50 doing this? Geezzzz lady. Get a life already! Sounds like she's afraid her youth is fleeting, and I'm quite sure it is. Congrats on putting her in her place. Maybe if the hubby is available, it's time to make your move their Sunshine?

[SandieBeach]

 

If you were in a national-known band Ninja, I'd come see you perform . . . as long as you're not doing rap. Here's a working name, "The Wayward Ninjas"

 

Even that analogy you used loses some meaning since being in a nationally-known band would be a JOB and therefore probably relate to an INCOME, neither of which is the case of a her belonging to a martial arts school.

 

Me too! Me too! Though I'd still come see you even if you performed rap, 'cuz I'm kewl like that! :D:D

[2sunny]

So we're talking about a woman who is nearly 50 doing this? Geezzzz lady. Get a life already! Sounds like she's afraid her youth is fleeting, and I'm quite sure it is. Congrats on putting her in her place. Maybe if the hubby is available, it's time to make your move their Sunshine?

 

Oh my! Noooooo!

 

He is very nice, too nice, but that would just be so wrong on so many levels.

 

He's also hurting. He's got some serious healing to do.

 

Even though he's not staying married to her - they still do MC to parent the kids together.

[whichwayisup]

It's coming to that right now. I've told her we should be looking for separate places instead of one for both of us. She wants to try to figure out a solution on Monday morn in MC. My refusal to consider a place to live in for both of us is scaring her. We only have until June 30th' date=' then our lease is up. That's pretty soon. We are missing good opportunities...[/quote']

 

Okay, is it possible (another olive branch on your behalf) for her to temp. 'quit' MA until the end of summer? This way she can focus on fixing herself, the marriage and putting well needed distance between her and the OM. I'm sure even though the A is over, wouldn't you think it's on her mind a hell of a lot in class since that's where the A took place? Just something to think about.

 

Okay I'm a bit confused? First you say you want to keep everybody under one roof and keep your family together for your daughters sake, yet then you say you could be looking for two separate places?

[Ninja'sHusband]

Me too! Me too! Though I'd still come see you even if you performed rap, 'cuz I'm kewl like that! :D:D

 

Lol Right ON! I wish I could point you guys to my music. That would require...uhhh....me to reveal my identity though.

 

 

I did do a collab with a rapper once ^^ It's out there.

[whichwayisup]

Lol Right ON! I wish I could point you guys to my music. That would require...uhhh....me to reveal my identity though.

 

 

I did do a collab with a rapper once ^^ It's out there.

 

You had me until you said Rapper.

 

Don't reveal your identity or even hint at it. There have been others on here who by accident said too much and either had to wait a while and recreate another username or leave LS all together.

[2sunny]

You had me until you said Rapper.

 

Don't reveal your identity or even hint at it. There have been others on here who by accident said too much and either had to wait a while and recreate another username or leave LS all together.

 

Do not give your identity!

[jwi71]

It's coming to that right now. I've told her we should be looking for separate places instead of one for both of us. She wants to try to figure out a solution on Monday morn in MC. My refusal to consider a place to live in for both of us is scaring her. We only have until June 30th' date=' then our lease is up. That's pretty soon. We are missing good opportunities...[/quote']

 

Huh. Go figure.

 

Now that she faces real actions and consequences for her choices her behavior changed. I mean, now, with the reality of your loss facing her, she gets scared and begins to envision life w/o you NH vs thoughts of life with dojo.

 

Why didn't we think of that 79 pages ago....

 

(tongue in cheek , tongue in cheek...strictly poking fun at you in a kind sense)

[The Blue Knight]

Me too! Me too! Though I'd still come see you even if you performed rap, 'cuz I'm kewl like that! :D:D

Why is Sandie trying to outdo me by being "kewler" than me? Why is she misspelling words purposely? Is that supposed to be cool or something?

[The Blue Knight]

Oh my! Noooooo!

 

He is very nice, too nice, but that would just be so wrong on so many levels.

 

He's also hurting. He's got some serious healing to do.

 

Even though he's not staying married to her - they still do MC to parent the kids together.

 

Okay, don't shoot the idea guy. I was just laying some groundwork for you. Eventually he will be a free agent.

 

I'm not sayin . . . I'm just sayin

[jwi71]

on a more general note...pertaining to the quotes you "imagine" your WW would say...

(and its likely what she did in fact say)...

 

Pure manipulation.

Shes arguing to keep "all of the above"...and I think that, at the least, sheds some light on her thought process. Shes fighting YOU to keep her dojo at YOUR expense. AND, she knows precisely how you feel about this. Same old same old NH...her needs matter and yours don't.

 

I asked before and I'll ask again...when do your needs matter?

 

What do you expect of a person when they don't value what you need?

 

Hopefully...its foggy thinking.

 

I'd launch into how to tell if it is...but I'm not sure you're going to listen.

 

I hope you set boundaries and continue to enforce them. By doing so, she faces consequences...and wouldn't you know it...she started, however slight, to change.

 

Might be a pattern here....

[The Blue Knight]

Lol Right ON! I wish I could point you guys to my music. That would require...uhhh....me to reveal my identity though.

 

I did do a collab with a rapper once ^^ It's out there.

 

Let's see, you're Bruce Wayne? Oops . . . was that supposed to be said publicly?

[2sunny]

on a more general note...pertaining to the quotes you "imagine" your WW would say...

(and its likely what she did in fact say)...

 

Pure manipulation.

Shes arguing to keep "all of the above"...and I think that, at the least, sheds some light on her thought process. Shes fighting YOU to keep her dojo at YOUR expense. AND, she knows precisely how you feel about this. Same old same old NH...her needs matter and yours don't.

 

I asked before and I'll ask again...when do your needs matter?

 

What do you expect of a person when they don't value what you need?

 

Hopefully...its foggy thinking.

 

I'd launch into how to tell if it is...but I'm not sure you're going to listen.

 

I hope you set boundaries and continue to enforce them. By doing so, she faces consequences...and wouldn't you know it...she started, however slight, to change.

 

Might be a pattern here....

 

To date - she really hasn't sacrificed anything much. She's agreed to go to counseling with NH - but that doesn't mean she intends to take the suggestions made and implement them.

 

She doesn't want to quit the MA, not willing to find a place on her own to move to - not willing yet to have absolutely NO form of contact with her OM.

 

She's short sighted. Especially if NH sticks to some healthy boundaries that eliminate her cushy lifestyle - she may actually get uncomfortable enough to start compromising and changing... Hmmm

[Ninja'sHusband]

I've started to just proceed like we are gonna D. I've sent her links of apartments we could live in separately. Told her I saw a lawyer. Sent her a mediation lawyer that I thought we should use for working things out. I wrote a letter to be read to our daughter and sent it to WW(can't believe I made it through that letter...shows how much pain I've worked through already) I already had sent her a spreadsheet of things we need to divide between us back in Feb.

 

Some of her dojo friends disgust me btw. One of them replied all to my email....I wrote a mock reply and sent it to WW just to vent. Not gonna engage in flame wars with those people. How someone could defend adultery and killing arts over truth, family, and marriage vows is just beyond me.

 

I'll wait until after our MC session on Monday to diverge my income to the new bank account (she knows about this account, I opened it back in Feb as well)

[2sunny]

You are taking a strong stance... One that should invoke movement from her end IF she intends to change and become willing.

 

Hugs NH...big hugs...

 

I know how hard this is - but if it's got ANY chance at changing - she needs to be SCARED its gonna end! Sad, but true.

 

As for her dojo friends supporting bad behavior... Wow, just wow. How low do they need to stoop? Maybe they are all doing the same thing. The only people who stayed friends with my exH after our D were the ones who had also cheated in the past. I never asked anyone to choose sides and I was never the one to talk bad about him...

 

It's amazing who ends up supporting bad behavior. It's also amazing to see who steps forward with truth and support for the one who didn't cheat.

 

It's not over, but it is time for the possibility of new beginnings IF she makes effort to change the person she is.

 

Be open to new possibilities and never look back - only forward. If the M survives, it will only survive if it's NEVER the same M that you've ever had in the past. EVERYTHING must change. That would be good.

 

When you get good with things changing and you are comfortable with change THAT is when you know deep in your soul you're really growing and things will get really good!

 

It's like an adventure! Anything is possible and you get happy when amazing things come your way. Keep your mind open...

 

And I think I'd move the money now - it may not be there come Monday...

[BetrayedH]

I've started to just proceed like we are gonna D. I've sent her links of apartments we could live in separately. Told her I saw a lawyer. Sent her a mediation lawyer that I thought we should use for working things out. I wrote a letter to be read to our daughter and sent it to WW(can't believe I made it through that letter...shows how much pain I've worked through already) I already had sent her a spreadsheet of things we need to divide between us back in Feb.

 

Some of her dojo friends disgust me btw. One of them replied all to my email....I wrote a mock reply and sent it to WW just to vent. Not gonna engage in flame wars with those people. How someone could defend adultery and killing arts over truth, family, and marriage vows is just beyond me.

 

I'll wait until after our MC session on Monday to diverge my income to the new bank account (she knows about this account, I opened it back in Feb as well)

 

FWIW, I think you are doing the right thing here. She doesn't respect you enough to stop. She is not remorseful. She wants to be in control. I find myself wishing that you would just divorce her. I thought my wife was going to get the evil beotch of the year award and she put in 100x the effort of your wife. Life gets better after you make the D decision. My PTSD disappeared almost immediately. Focus with your counselor on how to talk with your daughter; she'll make it just fine. If nothing else, these actions may shock your wife enough to reprioritize before she loses you. Personally, I hope she lost you already. Everytime you convey something she said, I'm like, "Seriously?" She is a damn fool. Good luck, brother.

[findingnemo]

I've started to just proceed like we are gonna D. I've sent her links of apartments we could live in separately. Told her I saw a lawyer. Sent her a mediation lawyer that I thought we should use for working things out. I wrote a letter to be read to our daughter and sent it to WW(can't believe I made it through that letter...shows how much pain I've worked through already) I already had sent her a spreadsheet of things we need to divide between us back in Feb.

 

Some of her dojo friends disgust me btw. One of them replied all to my email....I wrote a mock reply and sent it to WW just to vent. Not gonna engage in flame wars with those people. How someone could defend adultery and killing arts over truth, family, and marriage vows is just beyond me.

 

I'll wait until after our MC session on Monday to diverge my income to the new bank account (she knows about this account, I opened it back in Feb as well)

 

You're on the right track, NH. As for the idiot who responded defending infidelity...well, what can you do? People do the darnest things. Why would anyone take it upon themselves to respond in such a manner?

[turnera]

Some of her dojo friends disgust me btw. One of them replied all to my email....

I'm confused. I thought you sent an email to sensei. How did the other students get hold of it?

[Ninja'sHusband]

I'm confused. I thought you sent an email to sensei. How did the other students get hold of it?

I included various dojo members as well.

[Owl]

The idea of her saying that "BOTH" are her priority is clearly the breaking point here.

 

Only ONE THING can be your top priority...choosing both is a lie.

 

That's where your boundaries need to come in. YOU need to set the boundary that you're either her top priority...or you're her ex-husband (if you do feel that strongly about it).

 

Personally, I think you're doing the right thing by showing her the evidence that you're moving towards divorce...as long as you're willing to truly go that route if she doesn't believe you.

[Ninja'sHusband]

FWIW, I think you are doing the right thing here. She doesn't respect you enough to stop. She is not remorseful. She wants to be in control. I find myself wishing that you would just divorce her. I thought my wife was going to get the evil beotch of the year award and she put in 100x the effort of your wife. Life gets better after you make the D decision. My PTSD disappeared almost immediately. Focus with your counselor on how to talk with your daughter; she'll make it just fine. If nothing else, these actions may shock your wife enough to reprioritize before she loses you. Personally, I hope she lost you already. Everytime you convey something she said, I'm like, "Seriously?" She is a damn fool. Good luck, brother.

It's just that time is up. The house we are in is about to be sold, our lease is up very soon. We have to find a new place...either together...or apart. we have to tell DD now so we can shop appropriately. After Monday's counseling session if this isn't fixed I think I'll go from planning to actual execution. Time has simply run out and I can't sign up for another year of this. I'll go crazy and lose more than my family, I'll lose my job as well.

Edited April 27, 2012 by Ninja'sHusband

[jwi71]

I've started to just proceed like we are gonna D. I've sent her links of apartments we could live in separately. Told her I saw a lawyer. Sent her a mediation lawyer that I thought we should use for working things out. I wrote a letter to be read to our daughter and sent it to WW(can't believe I made it through that letter...shows how much pain I've worked through already) I already had sent her a spreadsheet of things we need to divide between us back in Feb.

 

I hope these steps you are taking continue to put that "fear" of loss into her. Makes it real for her. Snaps her out of it and brings her back to frakin' reality.

 

But continue down the path YOU feel is right. And I think this is, in the long run (provided it gets to D) best for YOU (and yes, your D as well). Despite all I have said, my HOPE is for your story to have the ending you want. It IS still possible - but only if your WW wants it. A trial separation, with you gone, may begin to wake her up to HOW much you give and provide her (not talking money here). Focus on behaviors that "wake her up". And as I have repeatedly said, you can't force her to want it. Maybe your absence, and all you provide WILL do it.

 

Some of her dojo friends disgust me btw. One of them replied all to my email....I wrote a mock reply and sent it to WW just to vent. Not gonna engage in flame wars with those people. How someone could defend adultery and killing arts over truth, family, and marriage vows is just beyond me.

 

I think you can now see her attraction to the dojo...they ENABLE, overtly or subtly, this behavior. If its acceptable to THEM she gets validation for HER behavior. I would NOT expect the sensei to act at this point as students often gravitate to like minded teachers.

 

The dojo MUST go for YOU to have ANY hope of saving your M.

 

And he did it "reply all"...remember that...these are HER friends, not yours. HOW they ACT is WHO they are. Apply this to your WW as well.

 

No wonder your WW isn't remorseful or respectful of you...if they have the gall to send this email, then someone (likely your WW) has been feeding them stories ABOUT you.

 

This dojo is CANCER...and what do you do with cancer...you cut it out and kill it.

 

Hard boundary NH...she gives up this toxic dojo (and those friends) or you file for D. The dojo and those friends are YOUR enemies (enemies of the M) - trat them as such.

 

I'll wait until after our MC session on Monday to diverge my income to the new bank account (she knows about this account, I opened it back in Feb as well)

 

I would suggest doing so now.

1) there is usually a delay in direct deposit changes

2) you can easily move money (especially if you have an account at the same bank) between accounts

3) It sends a shot across her bow.

4) It protects YOUR assets

 

MC is pointless at this point. It truly is. You can't save a drug addict when they keep going back to the drugs and the people who feed and support her habit. This MA, this dojo, these friends MUST go.

 

Your M has NO chance with them in the picture.

 

How about a cross-country move?