Boundary setting question

[Owl]

Just got back from MC. Yeah she wasn't there to work things out' date=' just like last time we had a session like that. It's over. She'd rather practice slicing people in half than have an intact family. She'd rather continue to damage OM and OMW's M. Just unbelievable. I can't even begin to understand her. Such a ****ing tragedy. My daughter takes the worst punishment because of WW's...sickness or whatever it is. As of right now we are heading for D. Still dunno what sensei says...[/quote']

 

Sorry to hear this, NH. Not surprised, given all that you've described, but sorry that it really did come down to this.

 

Stick to your guns, my friend.

 

I truly, honestly believe that your daughter will likely end up a BETTER person not being raised in a "family" where her mother could treat the rest of the family so poorly.

 

I think your daugther will be better off seeing you stick up for yourself and insist on what you know is right and best for everyone involved rather than simply cave and give in because your wife is so self-centered.

 

Don't feel like this is in any way YOUR fault...it's not. You've done everything you can for your family and your marriage.

 

You can't "fix" her. All you can do is protect yourself and your daughter.

[jwi71]

Just got back from MC. Yeah she wasn't there to work things out' date=' just like last time we had a session like that. It's over. She'd rather practice slicing people in half than have an intact family. She'd rather continue to damage OM and OMW's M. Just unbelievable. I can't even begin to understand her. Such a ****ing tragedy. My daughter takes the worst punishment because of WW's...sickness or whatever it is. As of right now we are heading for D. Still dunno what sensei says...[/quote']

 

Sorry you reached this point despite your efforts.

File for D when you are ready, but I would suggest sooner rather than later. I wish I had looking back.

 

Start divvying up assets and the like with your stbxw. Have an idea what you absolutely cannot part with in terms of possessions. In fact, maybe pack those away and get them out of your reach before you talk to stbxw. Is it moral? No, but f_ck it, take those items that you really want (photos and the like)

 

Take off your ring. Consider selling it.

 

Get into IC, ditto for your D. It's very helpful even if not readily apparent.

 

IMO, the sooner you make it real FOR YOU, the sooner you begin transitioning from trying to save your M to healing from D.

 

And it doesn't matter what the sensei says. Never did. (although we can surmise that he did nothing given that she chooses her MA over the M)

 

There IS happiness later. Get started down the D path sooner over later - as that's when, once healed from this, you can be truly open to love, life and happiness.

[Owl]

BTW...I forgot to ask...how old is your daughter?

 

Personally, I'm a strong believer in letting her have the truth, inasumuch as she's old and mature enough to handle it. If she's in her teens, then I'd tell her the straight up truth about the situation.

 

"Mom had an affair with someone from her dojo, and while she'd ended it, her going there still and seeing him was hurting me too much. When I insisted it was either being married to me or going to her dojo, she made her choice, and here we are. Her choice to divorce me does NOT in any way mean that she loves you less."

[The Blue Knight]

Just got back from MC. Yeah she wasn't there to work things out' date=' just like last time we had a session like that. It's over. She'd rather practice slicing people in half than have an intact family. She'd rather continue to damage OM and OMW's M. Just unbelievable. I can't even begin to understand her. Such a ****ing tragedy. My daughter takes the worst punishment because of WW's...sickness or whatever it is. As of right now we are heading for D. Still dunno what sensei says...[/quote']

 

Tough hand to deal with NH. There is light at the end of the tunnel but that's for another day for us to discuss. Sometimes, it's easier to just accept that they are truly an entirely different person than who you married.

[findingnemo]

Yeah, it is what it is. I'm so sorry, NH. I've been secretly hoping for a while that your W would wake up thinking straight but alas, it is not to be. Keep going to MC if it helps you reach an agreement on how to approach your DD. I hope your W at least cares enough now that she's made up her mind about how to make it a bit more comfortable for her.

 

On the legal front, the time has come to go native, raw. It's now you and your DD against the world. It will feel that way anyway. You've fought the good fight, you're still alive and healthy, you have a beautiful and intelligent DD (just like her dad I'm assume) and you have a whole life ahead of you. Now you must fight for it.

[Ninja'sHusband]

I just told my sister everything, a sign that it's really over. I was sparing my mom and my sister because they already had a bad relationship with sbtxw. Of course, my sis said that they had already figured it out\guessed....

 

sbtxw has already put a deposit on an apartment. FIL to the rescue! I guess there's no working it out so we can be in the same complex. What a bitch. She wanted me to help her with paper work on the new place... I refused, we haven't worked out finances and she's already booked a new place? F-that. May18th, she moves out. Amazing. What a remorseless bitch. My boss is still being so understanding, even his manager is onboard with cutting me slack. I guess there's something to being honest. I've literally told them both that I should be fired. My company is amazing, I'm so lucky with that...

[whichwayisup]

I just told my sister everything, a sign that it's really over. I was sparing my mom and my sister because they already had a bad relationship with sbtxw. Of course, my sis said that they had already figured it out\guessed....

 

sbtxw has already put a deposit on an apartment. FIL to the rescue! I guess there's no working it out so we can be in the same complex. What a bitch. She wanted me to help her with paper work on the new place... I refused, we haven't worked out finances and she's already booked a new place? F-that. May18th, she moves out. Amazing. What a remorseless bitch. My boss is still being so understanding, even his manager is onboard with cutting me slack. I guess there's something to being honest. I've literally told them both that I should be fired. My company is amazing, I'm so lucky with that...

 

What? Why? If you work for understanding and supportive people, that's a good thing. EVERYBODY goes through bad times in their life. When my father passed away I took the allowed 3 days off, but both my boss and my manager told me to take a full week and if needed more time to take it.

 

Anyway, it really does sound like she's had one foot out the door for a while now..And obviously has been looking for a new place with her dad.

 

Glad you have support with your family. Rely on them to help you through this. And friends too.

[Bellechica]

NH, I'm so sorry for you and your daughter. You tried harder than any man ever would I think.

 

Your W sounds like she had her decision made up from the beginning: not to try.

 

I'm glad you have support in your work. Yes, we all go through hard times in life, and it's great when you have a support in your professional life.

 

Hugs to you and your daughter. You are a great father, I'm sure, and you will help your DD get through this.

[Steen719]

NH...so sorry. I imagine almost everyone here wishes it wasn't what it looked like, for your sake.

 

Now you know...you can go forward and make your own plans.

 

Nervy to ask you to help her with paperwork...XH asked me to help him with his online classes 2 hours after he screamed at me, calling me a f***ing bit** and saying he would sue the f***ing crap out of me. Talk about no insight!

 

Your family can provide support, you still have an IC and your daughter will do fine. Provide the love she needs, take some time healing and in time, things will be easier. In some ways, you have been through the worst. You know, she really does not deserve you, NH, not at all. Somewhere down the road, someone will.

[Ninja'sHusband]

Thanks guys, stop making me cry though. Seriously, I was doing fine until I read all those loving supportive comments!

 

Just told my Mom. Her summary after it all was, "Absolutely, M is about trust and trust has been broken." When I first told her she just repeated over and over "I had suspected, I had suspected, I had suspected".

 

Dad on the other hand already knew what I was going through. I had opened up to him a while back. We talked for a long time just now (he had more time to kill). He focused on telling me that I was a good catch for any woman and that I would find someone else.

 

I guess I'm in shock...it's weird cause I was in this same place back in Feb...but this time it's for real. Money is moving, we have an official move out date for WW, etc. Now even my Mom and sis know. No going back..it's over it's over its over God I tried so ****ing hard....

[ISurvived]

Thanks guys, stop making me cry though. Seriously, I was doing fine until I read all those loving supportive comments!

 

Just told my Mom. Her summary after it all was, "Absolutely, M is about trust and trust has been broken." When I first told her she just repeated over and over "I had suspected, I had suspected, I had suspected".

 

Dad on the other hand already knew what I was going through. I had opened up to him a while back. We talked for a long time just now (he had more time to kill). He focused on telling me that I was a good catch for any woman and that I would find someone else.

 

I guess I'm in shock...it's weird cause I was in this same place back in Feb...but this time it's for real. Money is moving, we have an official move out date for WW, etc. Now even my Mom and sis know. No going back..it's over it's over its over God I tried so ****ing hard....

 

NH, you did everything humanly possible. Sorry it has come to this. Take care of yourself and DD.

 

Is DD staying with you or going with WW?

[Bellechica]

Dang, NH. Your trying so hard gave me hope. You will make a great catch for somebody, but the main thing is you are a great father to your DD. You tried so hard for her, this I know. Your thread has brought on the tears of many.

[whichwayisup]

You need to cry, don't hold it in. Just don't make a mess on your keyboard eh!

 

Talk things over with her on how you two are going to tell your daughter. Or was that brought up in MC?

 

As for the OM, if your wife is going to continue seeing him as time goes on, make it clear to her that the OM isn't to be ANYWHERE near your daughter.

[SomedayDig]

I'm sorry NH, buddy. You're a good dude.

[Ninja'sHusband]

I need to make a new account...something to do with music..or I dunno. I should retire this one. I hate the name now.

[BetrayedH]

I need to make a new account...something to do with music..or I dunno. I should retire this one. I hate the name now.

 

Hey, brother. Sorry it came to that. To say I can relate is an understatement. The good news is that it starts getting better from here in a hurry. On e the divorce was decided upon, it was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. Time to start looking forward to a new life, my friend. You get to start a second one now. What do you want to do with it?

[Ninja'sHusband]

Hey, brother. Sorry it came to that. To say I can relate is an understatement. The good news is that it starts getting better from here in a hurry. On e the divorce was decided upon, it was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. Time to start looking forward to a new life, my friend. You get to start a second one now. What do you want to do with it?

I dunno, I still fee like a slave. If I were 100% free I'd move out of state...I need to stay here though and make money to support DD and pay alimony. I need to be in a place where stbxw is so we can coparent. It just feels like a giant box I can't get out of. The fact is we are still a family of sorts...will always be one...broken yes, but a family.

[SomedayDig]

Being a fan of music, I'd suggest Tom Petty's, "I Won't Back Down" as a screen name - Wontbackdown.

[Steen719]

Alimony for how long? She already has a degree; can't she work? She can take student loans or ask her dad to help if she wants to continue school.

 

Does your family live near? Don't discount that if they do. They can provide some support and your daughter can still see them.

 

I know you have done the attorney and mediation thing and I'm sure you know what you are doing, but I sure would make certain that you are not paying her more than you should. Also, can you have daughter for 50% and not have to pay the stbxw? She should earn her own money...which is something Sunny has been saying for a while...it is true. She should get a job...the heck with you paying for everything. Surely you are not paying her apartment rent?

[BetrayedH]

I dunno' date=' I still fee like a slave. If I were 100% free I'd move out of state...I need to stay here though and make money to support DD and pay alimony. I need to be in a place where stbxw is so we can coparent. It just feels like a giant box I can't get out of. The fact is we are still a family of sorts...will always be one...broken yes, but a family. [/quote']

 

Yep, I'm still not quite used to that either. I have an apt just across the road from my old house. I still have to text STBXW pretty much daily about the kids, work out schedules, etc. That said, I have half my nights to myself and really enjoy not having to negotiate with anyone about what I do with myself. Find a way to tell your daughter and then show her that life is going to be ok. It helps to know that it's a true statement. You will survive and thrive.

[Bellechica]

Yes, love your DD more than ever and tell WW she better as well. The kid is only 9 right?

 

And yes, your W needs to get a job. Maybe she should teach MA since that's where her love and loyalty seems to be.....

[Ninja'sHusband]

Yes, my DD is 9 (sorry Owl asked the same thing, forgot to respond)

[Bellechica]

Goodness gracious NH, it's understandable that you can't remember to respond to each question every time. I can't imagine your pain. I know the last thing you wanted was D.

 

Hey where's 2Sunny?

 

2sunny? You know I finally deleted all OM contact info? Sorry t/j....

 

Anyway, NH.....I think ever WW could only hope they have someone as patient and nonjudgmental as you.

 

Your DD will know you tried. She will understand. I hope she will.....

 

She needs to know you both love her.....

[drifter777]

I dunno' date=' I still fee like a slave. If I were 100% free I'd move out of state...I need to stay here though and make money to support DD and pay alimony. I need to be in a place where stbxw is so we can coparent. It just feels like a giant box I can't get out of. The fact is we are still a family of sorts...will always be one...broken yes, but a family. [/quote']

 

 

Lot's of posters who have been in your shoes are giving you great advice. Keep moving ahead with the confidence that everything in your life is going to get better. Everything. Now that you have, and continue to, take charge of you personal recovery you will begin to heal. Knowing the kind of dad you are I'm sure that you will find your relationship with your daughter will actually improve. Also remember that as girls get into their teens they really turn to their dads and make life a living hell for their moms. You may find that turn of events quite satisfying

 

Hang in there, be strong.

[Try]

I dunno' date=' I still fee like a slave. If I were 100% free I'd move out of state...I need to stay here though and make money to support DD and pay alimony. I need to be in a place where stbxw is so we can coparent. It just feels like a giant box I can't get out of. The fact is we are still a family of sorts...will always be one...broken yes, but a family. [/quote'] Your wife has the jump on you. While your were trying to work it out, she was apartment hunting with her dad. I would suspect that she already has an attorney and that she plans to milk you for every cent that she can. Do not let her do this. Fight for every penny that you can. Ask the court to make alimony payments based on her getting a job a full time job; they will probably do this when asked because putting her through grad school as she does MA in her spare time is not a needed requirement of support. Fight for every penny because everything that you keep you can spend on you daughter as you see fit; money is important to teenagers (not selfish but normal). You also do this because you next wife has a right to happiness too.

 

Many nice guys getting a divorce try to be noble to show once again how much of a nice guy they are. To a man, everyone of them learns to regret this. If your wife wants an advanced degree, she may have to drop out of MA, but she can work and go to night school. If you go in with fair, and she goes in with her dad trying to take you to the cleaners, you will end up comprising where she sticks it to you but not as much as she wanted to. Remember, you can always out of the goodness of your heart later do more than the court orders, but you can never do less. It is funny how a $100 given because you are nice, will get you better treatment from your wife and your daughter, than that same $100 given under court order. Look I now that this thinking goes against the grain because you are a decent person, but please trust me when I say you will come to realize that our court system is not about fair, but about who is the best fighter.

 

She does not want to be your wife. You do not owe her anything. It should be all about doing what is best for you and your daughter. The reality of life is that the more money that you keep, the more control over your life you will have.