Boundary setting question

[whichwayisup]

2sunny? You know I finally deleted all OM contact info? Sorry t/j....

Start another thread, it's okay to do that. you still need help and advice which will get you though this.

I need to make a new account...something to do with music..or I dunno. I should retire this one. I hate the name now.

 

So do it and post elsewhere, the other parts of this site is fun, (watercooler etc) and use this account when you need to talk about this stuff.

[Ninja'sHusband]

I should start a thread in Divorce section...

 

Mods, wanna lock this?

 

Thanks everyone for your support. My wife is surprisingly uneducated about D. I just got done working with her on setting up mediation. It may be that FIL decides to push her into aggressive litigation..I dunno. To my face she says she doesn't want to go there. I honestly believe her in this moment. She doesn't have a laywer. The danger is her father's advice, I worry about that. Mediation is a fairly new thing still I think. Her parents are pretty old fashioned. Her mom was scared to death I'd take DD completely because of the A, she had put that thought into my WW's head. They had no idea about "no fault" states. That's one of the reasons my WW was so scared when she first told me she was pregnant. She got on her knees and begged me through tears, "PLEASE DON"T TAKE MY DD AWAY!"

[Bellechica]

NH, if she didn't want to jeopardize her life with DD after the A, she would do all you asked. She chose MA over you and her family.

[The Blue Knight]

Thanks guys, stop making me cry though. Seriously, I was doing fine until I read all those loving supportive comments!

 

Just told my Mom. Her summary after it all was, "Absolutely, M is about trust and trust has been broken." When I first told her she just repeated over and over "I had suspected, I had suspected, I had suspected".

 

Dad on the other hand already knew what I was going through. I had opened up to him a while back. We talked for a long time just now (he had more time to kill). He focused on telling me that I was a good catch for any woman and that I would find someone else.

 

I guess I'm in shock...it's weird cause I was in this same place back in Feb...but this time it's for real. Money is moving, we have an official move out date for WW, etc. Now even my Mom and sis know. No going back..it's over it's over its over God I tried so ****ing hard....

 

I've had your pain on my mind most of the day NH. I'm really sorry. Divorce and Recovery is a process just like the Affair itself. You'll learn to move on as distasteful as that sounds at this particular moment. And if your soon to be ex is anything like my ex, you'll become an instant commodity the minute she realizes you've moved on and begun dating. Then, she may find herself wishing she had you back. In my case, I had no interest by that point in taking my ex back and I certainly wasn't going to allow her to put me through it all over again.

[The Blue Knight]

Being a fan of music, I'd suggest Tom Petty's, "I Won't Back Down" as a screen name - Wontbackdown.

Not to make it a sadder moment NH but Adele's song "Rolling in the Deep" reminds me of a marriage which endures a crisis but eventually succumbs and comes to an end. Apparently, it was a great love which went sour and now she can't get over the hurt he's caused her in the song, but she makes it clear "we could have had it all" despite this.

[Steen719]

So, what kind of music do you play?

[whichwayisup]

I should start a thread in Divorce section...

 

Mods, wanna lock this?

 

Thanks everyone for your support. My wife is surprisingly uneducated about D. I just got done working with her on setting up mediation. It may be that FIL decides to push her into aggressive litigation..I dunno. To my face she says she doesn't want to go there. I honestly believe her in this moment. She doesn't have a laywer. The danger is her father's advice, I worry about that. Mediation is a fairly new thing still I think. Her parents are pretty old fashioned. Her mom was scared to death I'd take DD completely because of the A, she had put that thought into my WW's head. They had no idea about "no fault" states. That's one of the reasons my WW was so scared when she first told me she was pregnant. She got on her knees and begged me through tears, "PLEASE DON"T TAKE MY DD AWAY!"

 

You both put your daughter first and have shared custody (joint custody) and make this divorce as painless and fair as possible - FOR your daughters sake. Talk to your wife and decide together not to let others influence and get involved, otherwise it could get nasty and end up in court. Nobody wants that, right? Plus, I doubt your wife wants 'details' of her affair(s) played out in court and all the evidence against her.. I hope she doen't do a 180 and go psycho on you and turn into a *itch.

[whichwayisup]

Really? Really?

 

You, of all people, make a statement like that. The self admitted dishonest WW.

 

To quote John Vernon in The Outlaw Josey Wales: "Don't piss down my back and try to tell me it's raining".

 

This thread isn't about Belle. It isn't fair to take pot shots at her, let alone on someone else's thread.

[Ninja'sHusband]

You both put your daughter first and have shared custody (joint custody) and make this divorce as painless and fair as possible - FOR your daughters sake. Talk to your wife and decide together not to let others influence and get involved, otherwise it could get nasty and end up in court. Nobody wants that, right? Plus, I doubt your wife wants 'details' of her affair(s) played out in court and all the evidence against her.. I hope she doen't do a 180 and go psycho on you and turn into a *itch.

Yes, we are planning on joint custody 50/50. I'm kinda pissed about my STBXW's move to lock in an apartment already...but maybe I'll land something there as well. I want to be in the same building =\ I think my mother is going to move up here permanently. She's going to retire, and she can help with DD while STBXW is in school.

[Try]

Yes' date=' we are planning on joint custody 50/50. I'm kinda pissed about my STBXW's move to lock in an apartment already...but maybe I'll land something there as well. I want to be in the same building =\ I think my mother is going to move up here permanently. She's going to retire, and she can help with DD while STBXW is in school.[/quote'] You want to be near, but not in the same building. Your wife is about to be single again, and seeing her with other men dressed to kill will hurt you.

 

I am sorry that it turned out this way for you and your daughter. You tried more than most to do the right thing for your daughter and you should be proud of that. Know this, as I have said before, there is someone out there that will see your goodness for what is is and prize it rather than exploit it. With all the jerks out there, that person will literately thank God when she finally finds you. As unhappy as you are now, you will be happy again. In fact, with the right person, you will be happier than you have ever been before. Good luck and be well. You are in my prayers.

[whichwayisup]

Yes' date=' we are planning on joint custody 50/50. I'm kinda pissed about my STBXW's move to lock in an apartment already...but maybe I'll land something there as well. I want to be in the same building =\ I think my mother is going to move up here permanently. She's going to retire, and she can help with DD while STBXW is in school.[/quote']

She probably had her dad helping her for a while and that place was bought/rented for her..

 

When do you two plan on talking to your daughter about the divorce?

 

Yep, it'll be nice to have your mom closer too.

[2sunny]

I'm really sorry about your pain NH. I really am.

 

From my perspective - she wasn't ever showing solid evidence that she was invested in repairing the damage she caused and WILLING to DO everything to show remorse and her ability to change. That would have been evidence by her thinking of YOU and YOUR feelings.

 

I know I've been hitting you hard to see it all - I know you wanted to try everything to make it work. Sadly, it doesn't work that way as you can see why - marriages need two people to be invested in the relationship. Without trust and transparency it doesn't work. Without the cheater sacrificing in order to make change happen - it usually fails.

 

And now, she is still making decisions without telling you - but telling her Dad first and then a cowardly move - she tells you during counseling instead of being honest over the weekend - all the while she pretends over the weekend with more lies (omissions) and more deceit by participating like everything was gonna be alright - and still plotting and planning behind your back. Her Dad is equally as evil for making all the deception possible. His role is despicable. He's rewarding her bad behavior. But that tells us much about how she got this entitled and egotistical attitude.

 

 

For you - all the best to you - you deserve WAY better than what she has offered... And you can now have a life with hope IF you grow and love again.

 

Take your power back. Honor yourself. Be good to yourself and your daughter. Build the life you always wanted - don't let anyone stop you!

 

Don't do one more thing for her - except to divorce her. If it were me - I'd tell her she had to be out now - she can go "visit Daddy" until her apartment is ready.

 

Never ever settle!

 

On another note - please alert her OM's wife that your wife will be free - and that she should be aware that your wife may be in contact more freely than ever before.

 

You don't want to watch or even live close to her... It's best if you don't see or hear anything about what she has going on. Pretend like she's non existent.

 

When you get to feeling neutral - that is when you'll know deep in your soul that you're healing. Best way to get to that place is not communicating with her unless absolutely necessary.

 

Be good to yourself. Treat yourself as you would your best friend. Eat right and sleep more if you need to. Stay busy with hobbies and friends. Glad your family is supportive, you will need family for a bit. Tell people how they can help you - people love feeling needed and useful. I like the idea of your Mom spending time with you and your daughter. that could be a good role model for your D.

 

I never intended to ever hurt you - it is just difficult for me to watch a person sacrificing ALL of themselves while their spouse walks all over them - and I'm not one to stay silent and not point out the obvious.

 

You have a chance to live again. Get busy living! The best is just around the corner - you have a few things to get past but it does get better with time and focused energy on staying positive.

 

Your kind and generous heart will guide you to better things - keep an open heart and you will be fine.

 

Hugs

Edited May 1, 2012 by 2sunny

[Wanderer25]

Yes' date=' we are planning on joint custody 50/50. [b']I'm kinda pissed about my STBXW's move to lock in an apartment already[/b]...but maybe I'll land something there as well. I want to be in the same building =\ I think my mother is going to move up here permanently. She's going to retire, and she can help with DD while STBXW is in school.

 

That is what the people here were trying to get you to see all this time. You were saying that she has your back and if you fall, she will catch you. People here were saying that isn't the case. But I guess you would never know this without trying.

 

Good Luck

[ISurvived]

This thread isn't about Belle. It isn't fair to take pot shots at her, let alone on someone else's thread.

 

#1. I don't think she is in a position to offer advice on how to R from an A or proceed with a D. In my opinion (which is what everyone posts here) she can just muddy the waters for a guy that has tried his hardest to save his M.

 

#2. What you call a pot shot, I call the truth. Hard truth maybe, but the truth.

[melenkurion]

My boss is still being so understanding' date=' even his manager is onboard with cutting me slack. I guess there's something to being honest. I've literally told them both that I should be fired. My company is amazing, I'm so lucky with that...[/quote']

 

It's good that they are being understanding, that is one thing less to worry about to an extent.

 

It's probably the case that you've "paid your dues". They know you work hard, and that when your life gets back to an even keel you'll be back your old performance again. They know you aren't slacking, you just aren't quite yourself.

[Ninja'sHusband]

That is what the people here were trying to get you to see all this time. You were saying that she has your back and if you fall, she will catch you. People here were saying that isn't the case. But I guess you would never know this without trying.

 

Good Luck

 

I don't think I ever said that Wanderer.

 

I knew she had been looking at that apartment since back in February when she had previously been intent on D. She had it in her web history...it was an obvious choice. Her explanation is she wants to keep DD in the same school district(we have a 5 star school that ranks really high) and we needed an address ASAP...there was only one 2bedroom left.

 

Right now I can't stop thinking about the 15th anniversary super vacation I had promised DD and WW.

 

btw back in Feb I thought she had told her parents were going to D...turned out they never knew. I found that out when I had a phone conversation with them a few weeks ago. FIL asked what proof I had that WW was committed to D. Lol, I was like..uuuhhh....she told me and our counselor, took off her rings, moved into another bathroom, slept in the guest room, wouldn't even walk next to me, told me she had fallen out of love, etc etc.

 

Her attitude is a lot different right now. We stayed up for a little talking and grieving last night, slept in the same bed. She says she still loves me. Not enough to quit the class....it's all so stupid....I keep thinking about the day I told my DD we'd do another big trip for our 15th the way we did for our 10th anniversary. Broken promise. I hate it.

[Bellechica]

NH, you don't have to break that promise to DD. The two of you can have a father/daughter date. You will make new memories.

 

Has your W finally talked with you about how you both will tell your DD? How is your DD now? Does she see her mom crying?

 

Sorry to be so nosy, it's just your story resonates with me. It's so painful.....

[Ninja'sHusband]

NH, you don't have to break that promise to DD. The two of you can have a father/daughter date. You will make new memories.

 

Has your W finally talked with you about how you both will tell your DD? How is your DD now? Does she see her mom crying?

 

Sorry to be so nosy, it's just your story resonates with me. It's so painful.....

I read the letter I wrote to DD to my therapist and WW yesterday morning. They liked the letter.

 

STBXW hasn't cried in front of DD for a while. Her face was often tear stained...various times between October and February.

 

In December my grandmother died and we flew to go to her funeral. I let myself weep openly during that time.

[jwi71]

I read the letter I wrote to DD to my therapist and WW yesterday morning. They liked the letter.

 

STBXW hasn't cried in front of DD for a while. Her face was often tear stained...various times between October and February.

 

In December my grandmother died and we flew to go to her funeral. I let myself weep openly during that time.

 

Prolly one of my lasts here to you NH.

 

My advice is to file for D ASAP.

 

It's for your own good. It protects your assets, affords you some legal protections (many courts have standing orders), and gets you focused on the task here and now - not so rooted in "super vacation". The future is in front of you not behind you.

 

I wouldn't tell OM's W. No point in that. He doesn't mean anything to you, he never did. You'll recognize this in time.

 

Do not ignore your stbxw's character. You have continuously done so only to be surprised at each turn. This could prove to be VERY bad for you. Let's face it, you DON'T know this woman. She already has an apt right? Sorry, no matter how you twist or spin it to make her fit this image you want of her, she planned it. You better believe she has a plan. No, she isn't some James Bond arch-villain out to ruin you. But she is planning to get all she can for HER benefit ( not the same as 'at your expense' even though functionally it looks the same).

 

What if you have intercourse and suddenly the cops show up because, in a fit of rage, you raped her? Or so she says. Hello loss of freedom (you are in jail), loss of custody (domestic violence you "did"), becoming a pariah (stigma from the simple charge of rape). Don't think it could happen? I suppose you could ask that Polish guy and his dentist ex-GF

 

Do NOT trust her or her motives. She is no longer your W.

 

Do see her for what she is to you now. Your opponent. The US legal system is adversarial and she is, in terms of this, your opponent in a zero sum game. Be fair but be prepared if she is not. And without a job, she is going to need your $$ to live. And go to masters program. And her MA. And the same dojo (I bet). When the financial reality hits, she not gonna be happy. At you.

 

If your W is receiving assistance from her family, get proof of it and hopefully that can mitigate your alimony. While I agree you have a duty to provide alimony, that duty has limits. And paying for her non-essential hobbies (her masters and MA) do not qualify.

 

If you have 50-50 custody immediately REFUSE

CS. It's pointless. If daycare is 1000.00 per month and you each are jointly and equally responsible (50-50 custody) then it makes no sense. You would simply be bouncing the same 500.00 between each other. For instance, you would pay the 1000 during your custody and she would pay you 500. Then, when she had custody she would pay 1000 and you reimburse her. The 500 simply bounces around. Try and get 50-50 with each parent fully responsible for all expenses when that parent has custody. Exceptions are medical and education. This is how my 50-50 works. And it works beautifully. Try for it even though she has no income now - offer a zero interest loan to cover her part until she works.

 

Your daughter, provided you both put her first, will survive and even flourish. Mine are. And my xWW went the crazy route on me.

 

Live close to your daughter but not too close. You will want to minimize seeing your stbxw.

 

NEVER speak ill of your xWW in the presence of your little girl. Ever. NO exceptions. You may think she's a bleeping bleepity bleep but your girl loves her to death. Respect your daughters love for her mom. Encourage it.

 

I know you tried to save your M but your stbxw didn't want to. It's really that simple. And, mine didn't either. It's a brutal rejection. It DOES get better. The pain fades. You'll learn lessons. Become better.

 

Lastly, avoid a new GF for now. Just have a few flings.

[Stephanie]

We're going to close this thread now. It's become very large and the odds of anyone actually reading through the entire thread to provide input into the OP's situation is unlikely. The OP will start a new thread when he has more/new information to share.

 

When he does, please remember to keep your responses on topic and do not use the thread (or any other for that matter) as a platform to insult or call out other members.

 

Thanks