Boundary setting question

[whichwayisup]

Do you now see why were all on you like flies on poop?

 

Who cares about the xOM. We all know he doesn't care about you, your marriage or his marriage..Focus is about your wife! How she doesn't care either.

 

You're not the bad guy here. If you two DO split up it won't be because of your doing. Your wife is responsible for this mess and you have to be the stable and mature one - For your daughters sake. it's so obvious your wife doesn't care much about anybody but herself. You are cleaning up the aftermath and if that means separation leading to divorce, so be it. You make the best of it. You get family counselling (with a different T) for your daughter so she'll adjust in a healthy way..

[Ninja'sHusband]

Do you now see why were all on you like flies on poop?

 

Who cares about the xOM. We all know he doesn't care about you, your marriage or his marriage..Focus is about your wife! How she doesn't care either.

 

You're not the bad guy here. If you two DO split up it won't be because of your doing. Your wife is responsible for this mess and you have to be the stable and mature one - For your daughters sake. it's so obvious your wife doesn't care much about anybody but herself. You are cleaning up the aftermath and if that means separation leading to divorce, so be it. You make the best of it. You get family counselling (with a different T) for your daughter so she'll adjust in a healthy way..

I dunno, I don't have a lot of regret. If I didn't try the things I've tried before coming crashing down...I'd always wonder "what if?" T he things I regret are when I let my anger take over, but under the circumstances I don't think I've been that bad. The worst thing was when I punched the headboard and had a bruised hand for a week.

 

I can see why you might think I'm blame shifting..but really it's both of those idiots' fault. For me yeah, it's what my WW did\does that matters more. She should absolutely quit altogether. I just thought with the OM gone we might be able to work it out with me going to class. With him there...it's just not sustainable. I'll break for sure eventually, that's a certainty.

 

I think maybe I've become the woman now in that classic cycle. "When she stops nagging, all is NOT well". It's the calm before the storm. We had sex this morning...I feel like a slut...oh well I'm a guy afterall, with typical guy needs...

[Bellechica]

Alice, if my H didn't want me going to my gym, I would stay home.

NH, I do think you have the right to be very angry that she is still going to that dojo. She sounds like she is fairly advanced in MA. She could take a break for awhile and train you at home.

 

You're going to end up divorcing her aren't you? You have gotten a lawyer and your going to D? Is that what I'm understanding?

[whichwayisup]

This is really important. Who intiated the sex? I'll tell you my thoughts after you answer.

[Ninja'sHusband]

This is really important. Who intiated the sex? I'll tell you my thoughts after you answer.

Err..it's hard to say. I think we were both moving for it. Weekend mornings are a common time for us.

[Ninja'sHusband]

Alice, if my H didn't want me going to my gym, I would stay home.

NH, I do think you have the right to be very angry that she is still going to that dojo. She sounds like she is fairly advanced in MA. She could take a break for awhile and train you at home.

 

You're going to end up divorcing her aren't you? You have gotten a lawyer and your going to D? Is that what I'm understanding?

 

Right now I'm not 100% anything. Before last night I was definitely staying, now I'm not so sure. Seeing a lawyer for the first time doesn't mean you are going to do, it just means you are looking at your options. Getting educated. I think in the next week or 2 I'm going to have to commit one way or the other...cause we'll be signing a new lease soon...and moving into a different house.

[turnera]

You can always stop a divorce before it finalizes. Hell, you can always remarry AFTER you divorce. But IMO, she's unlikely to care what you want until she sees that she CAN lose you.

[Ninja'sHusband]

You can always stop a divorce before it finalizes. Hell, you can always remarry AFTER you divorce. But IMO, she's unlikely to care what you want until she sees that she CAN lose you.

If we go through D, I won't care to go back. We'll already have hurt our daughter so badly, I wouldn't put her in a position where it could happen all over again. I'll be so disgusted that WW let it get to that point that I doubt I'd be able to see her that way ever again, even if she begs and quits MA for life. We stay together...or we D....that's kinda the way I see it. If we start playing this bouncing back and forth thing from house to house, dragging my daughter into all the pain and misery as well, that's just unhealthy for everyone. End it, rip the band aid off, no putting it back on.

 

This is part of why I've fought so hard not to get to that point.

[Wanderer25]

NH, I've been following your thread from the beginning.In all this chaos, do you realize what you are doing to yourself and your own self esteem ? You will be broken when you are done with this whole thing.

 

Did your wife notice the OM in the dojo too? How did she react? You must have looked super cool with your newbie moves and following your wife to the MA class.

[Wanderer25]

Alice, if my H didn't want me going to my gym, I would stay home.

 

But then you will have to confess your affair with the personal trainer first

[Ninja'sHusband]

NH, I've been following your thread from the beginning.In all this chaos, do you realize what you are doing to yourself and your own self esteem ? You will be broken when you are done with this whole thing.

 

Did your wife notice the OM in the dojo too? How did she react? You must have looked super cool with your newbie moves and following your wife to the MA class.

Of course she did. I don't give leap about how stupid I look. He and I both know who the douche is. I'm the only trying to save my family, he's the one actively destroying it. My self esteem is fine there. He's the one who should ashamed and embarrassed. I should send him that post(on SI) about the Karate sensei who sold his dojo and quit after 37 years of practice. What does he give his family? A big FU, showing he only cares about himself through his actions.

[Artie Lang]

i can't believe this whole situation revolves around some stupid Martial Arts class... are you f*cking kidding me?!?!?!

 

you even joined the class just to keep tabs on your wife.....how pathetic is that.

 

to add insult to injury, the pos om knows that your wife is his for the taking, and there's nothing you can do about it(based on the tone of the e-mail exchange).

 

end this cruel charade of a lousy reconciliation, already.

[Ninja'sHusband]

Of course she did. I don't give leap about how stupid I look. He and I both know who the douche is. I'm the only trying to save my family' date=' he's the one actively destroying it. My self esteem is fine there. He's the one who should ashamed and embarrassed. I should send him that post(on SI) about the Karate sensei who sold his dojo and quit after 37 years of practice. What does he give his family? A big FU, showing he only cares about himself through his actions.[/quote']

(and yes my WW is doing the same thing, don't think I'm blameshifting)

[Wanderer25]

My self esteem is fine there.

 

Not to make an argument, but this whole thing is eating you away bit by bit. No one will be fine after such a battering. And the ultimate insult would be when she will decide to separate after all the compromises you made and the hoops she made you to jump through

[ISurvived]

Of course she did. I don't give leap about how stupid I look. He and I both know who the douche is. I'm the only trying to save my family' date=' he's the one actively destroying it. My self esteem is fine there. He's the one who should ashamed and embarrassed. I should send him that post(on SI) about the Karate sensei who sold his dojo and quit after 37 years of practice. What does he give his family? A big FU, showing he only cares about himself through his actions.[/quote']

 

I have a question for you NH. What are you doing to actively save your marriage?

 

Your WW does what she wants when she wants. She refuses MC under the pretense of "working up to it". That's WW speak for "I ain't doing it, but this will get him off my back".

 

Many say she has picked a sport/hobby over her family. I disagree. I think she has picked the OM over her family. I feel the MA is just the vehicle to still be able to see him. JMHO.

 

There is no way your self esteem can be fine. It's been destroyed. I think someone else is rug sweeping and lying to themselves besides your WW.

[Ninja'sHusband]

Not to make an argument, but this whole thing is eating you away bit by bit. No one will be fine after such a battering. And the ultimate insult would be when she will decide to separate after all the compromises you made and the hoops she made you to jump through

Yeah, we were talking about in the dojo. In general of course this whole thing is eating at me.

[whichwayisup]

F.uk it, you have nothing to lose now...Spill it all. Tell the Dojo/sensai everything. Get a hold of xOM's wife and talk to her. It's time. Infact ALL of you getting together might be warranted from what you've said about that email exchange. I'm sure scumbag's wife would love to know wtf been said behind her back.

[Bellechica]

Wanderer25, I am not having an A with either of my PT....seriously? Whatever

 

NH, giving the choice over martial arts or you and your daughter, there is only one choice and it's you. That's coming from me the lying, skank, bi*tch on here.

I am very sincere that losing my kids and my H is my worst fear. I'd give up anything my H asked.....

You're not being unreasonable

[Ninja'sHusband]

F.uk it, you have nothing to lose now...Spill it all. Tell the Dojo/sensai everything. Get a hold of xOM's wife and talk to her. It's time. Infact ALL of you getting together might be warranted from what you've said about that email exchange. I'm sure scumbag's wife would love to know wtf been said behind her back.

 

Actually I included all of OMs emails to me in the packet I gave OMW

 

I think another Steve Harley session might be in order.

 

The thing I worry about with OMW is if she's like, "Well my H should go to class, your W should quit"...and it becomes a battle of the couples, kinda. I'd love it if my W quit, she just won't. She really has no more control over OM than I have over my WW. If I D though, that puts her WH in a more vulnerable position, and she definitely deserves to be told about that. What also bothers me is she never contacted me. I feel like if she wanted to talk to me, she would have.

 

If I told sensei...that would be really nasty...man WW would be pissed. I'd worry about even coparenting with her after that lol. There'd be some serious hate vibes.

 

Yeah, I want another Harley session to see what he thinks. Things are different than when I talked to him last. I took his advice (not telling sensei, backing off a bit) and things are much better now...but I'm a bit lost again. Kinda like, "ok got to this point...now what?"

[Bellechica]

I think that both OM n your WW should both leave the dojo. It may be the best MA or only MA place in town in their opinion but if they want their M, they should take a break from MA and train at home.

I work with OM and with the NC break this week I'm looking for other jobs...there isn't much in my local area since my career is fairly specialized.....I may have to demote myself if I leave....

[Ninja'sHusband]

Wanderer25, I am not having an A with either of my PT....seriously? Whatever

 

NH, giving the choice over martial arts or you and your daughter, there is only one choice and it's you. That's coming from me the lying, skank, bi*tch on here.

I am very sincere that losing my kids and my H is my worst fear. I'd give up anything my H asked.....

You're not being unreasonable

Yeah that's the advice I got when I first came here, and that's what I did. She moved her stuff into another bathroom. We agreed we'd D. She slept in another room. Could barely even walk next to me. Took off her rings. etc etc.

 

I spent a week crying and grieving over the marriage, missed a week of work. ah hell:

 

Here's some key moments:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/314134-boundary-setting-question-13.html#post3836028

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/314134-boundary-setting-question-18.html#post3864077

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/314134-boundary-setting-question-23.html#post3915143

 

meh, I think you know the rest.

 

I think Wanderer meant you'd have to tell the PT about the A, not that you were having one with him. I don't really think that's necessary to quit...he doesn't have to know. Probably better you don't tell him ^^ As for BH, you know our thoughts.

[Ninja'sHusband]

I think that both OM n your WW should both leave the dojo. It may be the best MA or only MA place in town in their opinion but if they want their M, they should take a break from MA and train at home.

^

This is what I want! Just seems like it's not gonna happen no matter how hard I try to MAKE it happen.

[BetrayedH]

Wanderer25, I am not having an A with either of my PT....seriously? Whatever

 

NH, giving the choice over martial arts or you and your daughter, there is only one choice and it's you. That's coming from me the lying, skank, bi*tch on here.

I am very sincere that losing my kids and my H is my worst fear. I'd give up anything my H asked.....

You're not being unreasonable

 

Jesus Belle. You haven't done step freaking one and you're saying you would do anything he asked. He might ask you to stop lying to him but he doesn't know well enough to ask. How can you remotely say you would do anything when you have done nothing?

[2sunny]

Well dang it... So sorry to hear about the recent events - but it was only a matter of time. Especially since your wife has never shown COMPLETE EVIDENCE that she is remorseful - and in turn regards and respects you - she hasn't been DOING any of that.

 

The OM essentially showed you he's boss! Wich he is - and has been all along... And your W went along with it all like YOU should have any problem with it! She b@tch slapped you too.

 

Why do you think you had sex? Hmmmm, we all know why! It's her bargaining power. It bargains to get YOU to put up with MORE of her BS. It works doesn't it?

 

Your wife holds ALL the power. Until she holds NONE - you don't have a marriage...

 

I don't care if that dojo was the last one on earth - SHE shouldn't be there! No ifs, and or buts! No way, no how!!!

 

And now you're rethinking that boundary ( which was weak to begin with) by giving in to more leeway to keep your so called wife.

 

And it is taking a toll on your self esteem - because your actions are weak and she knows you are weak. She knows she's gonna get you to go along with anything she wants. Mainly because you have.

 

You've compromised your integrity and value situation and she knows it. You've done it all to keep someone who doesn't treat you with respect or regard. Ther eis not one thing that's loving about the relationship you now have.

 

Exposé away! Tell EVERYONE! If she didn't want anyone knowing EXACTLY what she did - THEN SHE SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE IT!

 

She needs to SUFFER MORE CONSEQUENCES from what SHE created!

 

And make it hurt this time! Se doesn't believe you will allow her to suffer from consequences. Consequences make people CHANGE! You NEED her to change - whether she's with you or not!

 

Your daughter has her example as a Mom - and her mom shows her how to treat Dad terribly and get away with it. So now your D will pick a man she can treat terribly... She'll pick one who will put up with bad behavior.

 

Your W has trained you to accept such crappy behavior and stop complaining... Just act nice and pay her way.

 

You are now training your W... By rewarding her bad behavior by staying. Expect it to get worse... She's got a hold on you - a hold that means you don't respect yourself enough to leave.

 

She's not NC!!!!! And I hope you didn't buy that lie too. Your W lies so much she actually believes herself and wants you to believe it too.

 

At best - she could've walked over WITH you in hand and asked what he was doing there. She could have restored YOUR peace of mind, but she didn't. She was probably glad to see him... All at your expense and knowing it would hurt your feelings more. She just acts like she doesn't care...doesn't care how she hurts you. She acts narcissistic.

 

Either way - no one should have to give up their honor and integrity to love another!

 

That should have been your first clue that you crossed your healthy boundary.

 

Now you've watered down any boundary so much she doesn't believe you will ever have one.

 

Think hard... Shoud it be this hard to love someone? The short answer is a very quick and firm NO!

 

I've now sold your soul to the devil... I hope she's worth it.

[2sunny]

Jesus Belle. You haven't done step freaking one and you're saying you would do anything he asked. He might ask you to stop lying to him but he doesn't know well enough to ask. How can you remotely say you would do anything when you have done nothing?

 

This is where nothing is actually SOMETHING!