The Blue Knight Posted April 15, 2012 Share Posted April 15, 2012 NH...I totally understand your feelings with the email the OM sent to you. When I confronted my W's AP on the phone, the first thing he literally begged was for me not to tell his BW because of his family. I said, "Well, m-f'er, I have a family too. So, you have a choice: You tell her or she gets the email I just sent. The choice is yours". Well, according to a friend, his BW had to confront him. Leave the dojo. And tell her that particular dojo is off-limits to her. I live in a fairly small town area and there are at least 3 dojo's/dojangs that someone could choose from. This "dancing" with the OM and your WW is pretty bad, man. Get yourself AND her outta there. I brought this up previously. If someone really puts importance on restoring their marriage, this isn't a lot to ask Ninja. Even if it means changing martial arts styles, so what? Go and be challenged by a new style. I've studied a dozen and enjoy new challenges even after 35 years of training. Personally, it's very lame for her to continue attending where this guy is showing up. Even though I generally don't often agree with hard-line approaches, you're well within your respective boundaries to DEMAND she stops attending there NOW. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted April 15, 2012 Share Posted April 15, 2012 This is where nothing is actually SOMETHING! What the hell planet are we on here?! She would do "anything?!" Really?! 2Sunny, when you and I are in full agreement, that says something. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted April 15, 2012 Share Posted April 15, 2012 You can stay married but the marriage has been over for a long time. Your W isn't participating with you in mind. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted April 15, 2012 Share Posted April 15, 2012 You've rewarded her bad behavior! Instead of her quitting you rewarded her by now going with her. She didn't sacrifice anything! And then you said if he shows up shed have a consequence - you rewarded her bad behavior by having sex (now she thinks everything's ok - see how she manipulated you)? There's no boundary...you're sleeping with the narcissistic devil. Why are you even betraying yourself by bothering to speak to her? She must be laughing behind your back. Geez, I REALLY want you to stop harming yourself by staying with her. She's about as evil as I've seen here. It's ALL about HER!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Bellechica Posted April 15, 2012 Share Posted April 15, 2012 NH you have every right to say your wife should leave that dojo. You are too good. I've tried speaking with my H about my needs before the A and he ignores or tries to do things and then we are back to roommate status. I'm not blaming him for my choices but with both of our non conflict status, we just deal. Our families have a legacy of no divorce and we are "perfect". My grand mother deemed him worthy...she knew his grand parents. Sorry Nj this is your thread. My heart goes out to you Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted April 15, 2012 Share Posted April 15, 2012 NH you have every right to say your wife should leave that dojo. You are too good. I've tried speaking with my H about my needs before the A and he ignores or tries to do things and then we are back to roommate status. I'm not blaming him for my choices but with both of our non conflict status, we just deal. Our families have a legacy of no divorce and we are "perfect". My grand mother deemed him worthy...she knew his grand parents. Sorry Nj this is your thread. My heart goes out to you You know Bella - the things you keep saying here are just so in honorable. YOU are living YOUR OWN LIE! Stop acting like its all ok! You continue to lie by omission... There isn't one things about your cheating that's ok...not even the fact that you say you'll do anything for your H - because that's a lie too - you won't even tell him what kind of person he's married to. Get HONEST Bella - you've made your word completely unbelievable to me by not being honest with your H. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted April 15, 2012 Share Posted April 15, 2012 (edited) Oops, double post... Edited April 15, 2012 by 2sunny Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted April 15, 2012 Share Posted April 15, 2012 ^ This is what I want! Just seems like it's not gonna happen no matter how hard I try to MAKE it happen. cough cough Uh, NH, do you SEE what you are saying here? Have you learned anything? YOU CANNOT CONTROL WHAT YOUR WIFE DOES. All you can do is decide what YOU will accept in your life and, if your wife chooses something else, then YOU MOVE ON. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted April 15, 2012 Share Posted April 15, 2012 (edited) I agree - YOU can only control YOU! You can see what you get by monitoring HER, it leads to her slapping your face EVERY TIME! And IF the M ends - IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT! That's why your D should know the truth = mom did this - and Mom isn't fixing what SHE did - so I'm not pretending that Mom is a good wife to me anymore! Stop being nice - start acting like its NOT ok! You are so desperate to have HER love you that you don't love and honor yourself! Why should SHE love you when YOU don't LOVE YOU? She won't - it doesn't work that way! You need to work on YOURSELF just for that aspect alone. Edited April 15, 2012 by 2sunny Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted April 15, 2012 Share Posted April 15, 2012 After all these posts you still don't seem to understand and implement your boundary. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 15, 2012 Share Posted April 15, 2012 If I told sensei...that would be really nasty...man WW would be pissed. I'd worry about even coparenting with her after that lol. There'd be some serious hate vibes. This is your fear talking. Not reality. Yeah she'd be pissed off. But SO WHAT? My dear, you have been PAYING for her to go to these MA classes, yes? Let her get pissed off. She'll calm down and realize that SHE is/was the one who messed up and lost out on something good.. **ANOTHER consquence of her selfish choices and actions..To have an affair with someone in the MA class and the A took place at times DURING class..They bonded..ON your dime. You stand up to your wife and put your foot down, she WILL back down. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ninja'sHusband Posted April 15, 2012 Author Share Posted April 15, 2012 This is your fear talking. Not reality. Yeah she'd be pissed off. But SO WHAT? My dear, you have been PAYING for her to go to these MA classes, yes? Let her get pissed off. She'll calm down and realize that SHE is/was the one who messed up and lost out on something good.. **ANOTHER consquence of her selfish choices and actions..To have an affair with someone in the MA class and the A took place at times DURING class..They bonded..ON your dime. You stand up to your wife and put your foot down, she WILL back down. You are right, I'm terribly afraid. There's also the fact that when I asked Dr.Harley about that very thing (it was the biggest question I had for him) he was very certain that I should not do such a controlling thing. My normal therapist also thinks its a bad idea. Harley's opinion holds a LOT of weight with me. I just requested another session with him for Wed or Thur morning. I'm gonna hold off on some decisions until I have that session. I'm feeling a bit uncertain and want an opinion that I really trust. His advice worked well for me before. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 15, 2012 Share Posted April 15, 2012 You are right' date=' I'm terribly afraid. There's also the fact that when I asked Dr.Harley about that very thing (it was the biggest question I had for him) he was very certain that I should not do such a controlling thing. My normal therapist also thinks its a bad idea. Harley's opinion holds a LOT of weight with me. I just requested another session with him for Wed or Thur morning. I'm gonna hold off on some decisions until I have that session. I'm feeling a bit uncertain and want an opinion that I really trust. His advice worked well for me before.[/quote'] Sweets, what's the worst that can happen? She blows up, loses it and storms out of the house..(if she chooses to leave the house, she goes alone. Your daughter stays with you in the house) Many BS kick their CS's out. Why? SHOCK. So they "get it". Your wife doesn't "get it" yet. This is why her suffering consquences, ones that you set in place, will change her. Nothing else has. She does the talk, that's it. It's total lip service to get you off her back. If she saw what life would be like without you in it for a while, realized oh shi.t I'm on my own...Maybe she would wake up and react like a remorseful person. She's soo stuck on herself and what SHE wants, it just bugs me so much. I do think you need to ask around (your friends who have been through this) for another marriage counsellor. This one you have is wrong for you (both). So what if it means starting over and telling the situation again..It's a new and fresh person who can help. Link to post Share on other sites
ISurvived Posted April 15, 2012 Share Posted April 15, 2012 You are right' date=' I'm terribly afraid. There's also the fact that when I asked Dr.Harley about that very thing (it was the biggest question I had for him) he was very certain that I should not do such a controlling thing. My normal therapist also thinks its a bad idea. Harley's opinion holds a LOT of weight with me. I just requested another session with him for Wed or Thur morning. I'm gonna hold off on some decisions until I have that session. I'm feeling a bit uncertain and want an opinion that I really trust. His advice worked well for me before.[/quote'] NH, my FWW and I followed the MB principles and NONE, ZERO, ZILCH included putting up with the crap you do. I am also very suspect of your "conversation" with Harley. I can quote to you from his book (His Needs/Her Needs) that he advocates exposing to everyone. What it boils down to is what you are willing to accept. If you are willing to accept what you have now, which by your own postings is a WW that is: Unremorseful (unless it suits her needs) Picks the OM and her MA over her BH and DD Refuses IC Refuse MC Refuses NC It's not like she hasn't had several months to begin to work on R. She isn't going to because she doesn't want to. Don't you see that? You usually ignore my posts, which is fine. Like I said in an earlier post, I and everyone on here are putting more into helping you and your DD and your marriage than your WW is. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted April 15, 2012 Share Posted April 15, 2012 If what you've been doing isn't working - its best to do anything but what you've already been doing. Change - change YOUR approach and interactions! That you CAN control! Change is good! Link to post Share on other sites
Wanderer25 Posted April 15, 2012 Share Posted April 15, 2012 (edited) Wanderer25, I am not having an A with either of my PT....seriously? Whatever Yet. Or, he might be gay. Then you will have to find out a new one. Edited April 15, 2012 by Wanderer25 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted April 15, 2012 Share Posted April 15, 2012 She uses her sex as a weapon. It's her assurance that you're still going along with her plan NOT to work on fixing the M. You reinforce her plan when you go along with her manipulations. Link to post Share on other sites
Bellechica Posted April 15, 2012 Share Posted April 15, 2012 NH, I wish I could talk to your WW. You seem so forgiving and patient. You and owl give me hope that not all BH kick their WWs to the street. If I could talk to her, I would scream at her and tell her to WAKE UP!!! You're giving her a second chance and she's throwing it away. It makes me cry. I know you all want me to WAKE UP as well....I fear I would not get a second chance. One question....how do you think a H would respond or what might he think if his W poised a hypothetical question, "would you leave me if I were unfaithful?" He would automatically know she was, right? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 15, 2012 Share Posted April 15, 2012 NH, I wish I could talk to your WW. You seem so forgiving and patient. You and owl give me hope that not all BH kick their WWs to the street. If I could talk to her, I would scream at her and tell her to WAKE UP!!! You're giving her a second chance and she's throwing it away. It makes me cry. I know you all want me to WAKE UP as well....I fear I would not get a second chance. One question....how do you think a H would respond or what might he think if his W poised a hypothetical question, "would you leave me if I were unfaithful?" He would automatically know she was, right? His antenna would go up immediately. Add in the fact he knows something is 'off', he's going to put two and two together. I think B, if you are so close to confessing you need to just do it and not tap dance around the subject. Don't play the 'what if' game with your husband..It'll just drive him nuts and make everything worse. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted April 15, 2012 Share Posted April 15, 2012 You're not even living if you're living in fear. The only way to get past it is to move through what you fear and get to the other side...trusting that things will work out the way they're supposed to work out. If your W isn't in the M to consider YOUR feelings - then there's no good reason to stay out of fear of losing her. You've already lost her - she's not acting in a loving way now. Just because she's there - doesn't mean it's a favor to you if it takes away your peace of mind. Ask Harley if it's healthy for YOU to sacrifice your soul and integrity for a woman who doesn't act like she intends to be married...? Link to post Share on other sites
SandieBeach Posted April 15, 2012 Share Posted April 15, 2012 NH, I wish I could talk to your WW. You seem so forgiving and patient. You and owl give me hope that not all BH kick their WWs to the street. If I could talk to her, I would scream at her and tell her to WAKE UP!!! You're giving her a second chance and she's throwing it away. It makes me cry. I know you all want me to WAKE UP as well....I fear I would not get a second chance. One question....how do you think a H would respond or what might he think if his W poised a hypothetical question, "would you leave me if I were unfaithful?" He would automatically know she was, right? I know this is NH's thread, but I do want to comment on this Belle: not only would your spouses rightfully suspect there was something to your question, he would most likely say that he would leave you. I recall several months ago having a conversation with my husband and friends where that hypothetical was presented, and I unequivocally said that I would never give him another chance if he ever cheated. Well, that came back to bite me in the a** because I'm still here giving it a shot...And it's effing hard, but I am still here. Link to post Share on other sites
The Blue Knight Posted April 16, 2012 Share Posted April 16, 2012 I know this is NH's thread, but I do want to comment on this Belle: not only would your spouses rightfully suspect there was something to your question, he would most likely say that he would leave you. I recall several months ago having a conversation with my husband and friends where that hypothetical was presented, and I unequivocally said that I would never give him another chance if he ever cheated. Well, that came back to bite me in the a** because I'm still here giving it a shot...And it's effing hard, but I am still here. Which is why I laugh at those hypothetical scenarios. Nobody can really say what they'd do until they are placed right smack in the middle of that particular dynamic. And let's be honest. All of us talk tough when those scenarios are tossed out. We do it to show "what we're made of" as well as to "serve notice" to the unassuming spouse who is sitting there stupidly looking at us from the couch wondering what we're going to say. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SandieBeach Posted April 16, 2012 Share Posted April 16, 2012 Which is why I laugh at those hypothetical scenarios. Nobody can really say what they'd do until they are placed right smack in the middle of that particular dynamic. And let's be honest. All of us talk tough when those scenarios are tossed out. We do it to show "what we're made of" as well as to "serve notice" to the unassuming spouse who is sitting there stupidly looking at us from the couch wondering what we're going to say. Amen, brother! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ninja'sHusband Posted April 16, 2012 Author Share Posted April 16, 2012 Which is why I laugh at those hypothetical scenarios. Nobody can really say what they'd do until they are placed right smack in the middle of that particular dynamic. And let's be honest. All of us talk tough when those scenarios are tossed out. We do it to show "what we're made of" as well as to "serve notice" to the unassuming spouse who is sitting there stupidly looking at us from the couch wondering what we're going to say. Yeah both my W and myself have told each other that we are leaving, end of story.... but we're both still here.... Link to post Share on other sites
Wanderer25 Posted April 16, 2012 Share Posted April 16, 2012 Yeah both my W and myself have told each other that we are leaving, end of story.... but we're both still here.... What does she say when you remind her of this? Link to post Share on other sites
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