Boundary setting question

[turnera]

Oh and the reason I originally REALLY wanted to call was because the idea of exposure came from the Harleys. I wanted to know if I should tell sensei but was unclear about it since the A was not ongoing. If the Harleys themselves don't agree with exposure to fix things in this case....then the advice in the books didn't apply.

Exposure is in order only if she's still cheating. IMO, your REAL problem - assuming she's not cheating still - is that she has to stop seeing him every week; each time a cheater sees their AP, it stirs up emotions all over again. Even 10 years later.

 

Until she gets that part, you will not move forward.

[Try]

My knife is simply the truth' date=' and the truth is good no matter how painful. The other way is filing for D, which I don't want, she doesn't want, and my daughter most definitely doesn't want. D will hurt all of us in much worse ways than me telling the [i']truth[/i]. Aggggg F Steve...

 

patience...patience. I'm giving things until Saturday...then I'm am so set. This **** is coming out. If she D's me after that, the D and the A are on her. All I did was tell the truth and it's the right thing to do for sure.

If true long term reconciliation is your goal, you filing for divorce and meaning it is far more likely to produce good long term results then you telling her MA instructor, which you know may push her to file for divorce. You filing means that you are taking control of the situation. Her filing is you letting her stay in control. Where this matters is that your wife clearly has no respect for you at this time. Filing for divorce will possibly be your last chance to earn that respect back. She cannot love you if she does not respect you.

 

One more thing. I suspect that your wife's MA instructor is no dummy and already knows about the affair and does not think that it is any of his business. Why should he? They are his friends and not yours. Although there is a lot of respect and bowing in most MA traditions, he never signed on to being her or the OM's priest for gosh sakes.

Edited April 19, 2012 by Try

[turnera]

I forget, does she work? Does she drive to work? If so, I'd hide a voice-activated recorder under the seat of her car for the next couple days to see if she's secretly contacting him, before I told sensei. And I would reiterate to her before Friday's class that, if he's there again Friday, something drastic is going to happen.

[2sunny]

Exposure is in order only if she's still cheating. IMO, your REAL problem - assuming she's not cheating still - is that she has to stop seeing him every week; each time a cheater sees their AP, it stirs up emotions all over again. Even 10 years later.

 

Until she gets that part, you will not move forward.

 

It's true. When I was in my early 20's I had a brief but very intense love affair. We ended up on different sides of the country and did not end up together.

 

20 years later he ended up at a funeral that I attended with my then husband. I hadn't seen him in all those years. My heart raced and I couldn't stop watching every breathe he took. He watched me intently that day also.

 

I dreamt of only him for probably two weeks! I had sex with him IN MY MIND while making love to my husband during those weeks... It wasn't right so I put him out of my mind completely from then on.

 

While I allowed him to occupy my mind during those weeks it felt as though I was betraying my M and my husband. That wasn't who I wanted to be.

[2sunny]

I forget, does she work? Does she drive to work? If so, I'd hide a voice-activated recorder under the seat of her car for the next couple days to see if she's secretly contacting him, before I told sensei. And I would reiterate to her before Friday's class that, if he's there again Friday, something drastic is going to happen.

 

The princess doesn't work... In fact she's just started with more school. School that NH is paying for. Seems energy and money is important for school but not for repairing her damage she caused.

 

 

The VAR might be useful in her purse. $75-$100 will get you a nice model style with extended recording time.

 

Did your wife return the money her Dad gave her? You know, that "secret money he thought he gave her?"

[Bellechica]

Exposure is in order only if she's still cheating. IMO, your REAL problem - assuming she's not cheating still - is that she has to stop seeing him every week; each time a cheater sees their AP, it stirs up emotions all over again. Even 10 years later.

 

Until she gets that part, you will not move forward.

 

NH, listen as a WW I can tell you this is true....it sets off a whirlwind of emotions. Even if she doesn't want the feelings to resurface....it will set her off. It will set him off too. Trust me on this....

[Artie Lang]

i beg to differ concerning exposure. her fantasy needs to be blown out of the water. see, by keeping it secret, she experiences no ramifications for her actions. by exposing the affair, reality sets in and she comes to realize the gravity of the situation. just my opinion.

 

exposure kills the affair, and the fog that comes with it.

[Bellechica]

Artie....I agree with you. It might be what she needs to quit.

[Artie Lang]

sorry for the t/j: Belle, how is it that you can agree with all the steps we we are suggesting to the countless people here, yet fail to implement them yourself?

 

do you see how WACKED it sounds.

 

i don't mean it as a dig. just asking?

[whichwayisup]

sorry for the t/j: Belle, how is it that you can agree with all the steps we we are suggesting to the countless people here, yet fail to implement them yourself?

 

do you see how WACKED it sounds.

 

i don't mean it as a dig. just asking?

 

It's easier to give advice than to take advice. Don't discount what Belle's advice is, it's good. Even if she can't apply it to own life, she is helpful to others. Hopefully by reading and replying to others will help her get the strength to come clean to her husband. That and counselling.

[Artie Lang]

i didn't mean her advice was bad. i was only asking her thoughts on how she agrees with so much here, but doesn't follow through herself.

 

i was trying to pick her brain a bit.

 

although i don't agree with the way she's going about it- concerning confession- i do commend her for staying on the boards.

 

it was not meant as dig.

[Bellechica]

Yes Artie I'm saying that I'm so weak it might just take a Dday to stop my behavior because I am not out of it and NH needs to know his WW isn't either IMO

[Artie Lang]

it would be more devastating and too late by then, Belle.

 

don't wait too long! come to your senses and admit fault before you truly lose it all.

[whichwayisup]

although i don't agree with the way she's going about it- concerning confession- i do commend her for staying on the boards.

 

Me too. She's taken a lot of flake by all sides. Some may not like how she's handling things but it's her life. Maybe she'll tell, maybe she won't. Some people don't ever tell. I remember a MM not wanting to confess the truth to his wife. He left LS because he couldn't handle the flames here.

[Ninja'sHusband]

NH, listen as a WW I can tell you this is true....it sets off a whirlwind of emotions. Even if she doesn't want the feelings to resurface....it will set her off. It will set him off too. Trust me on this....

This is EXACTLY why I want NC! I think my WW is totally naive.

[whichwayisup]

This is EXACTLY why I want NC! I think my WW is totally naive.

 

And this is why she has to quit MA and stop going to competitions where the OM is. THIS is part of HER consquence (another one) and fallout of HER affair. She loses out on good stuff. Stuff YOU are paying for.

[2sunny]

This is EXACTLY why I want NC! I think my WW is totally naive.

 

She no NAIVE - she's smart. She's getting her way - which is exactly what she wants.

 

Now you need to be smarter than she is...

[whichwayisup]

She no NAIVE - she's smart. She's getting her way - which is exactly what she wants.

 

Now you need to be smarter than she is...

 

^^

 

NH, you need to take step back and see this from a different angle. Your wife is playing you. NOT malciously, but selfishly. She knows you. She knows what buttons to push, when to pour on the tears, knows how to get her way. Hello, EVERYTHING that has happened, she STILL gets to go to MA classes and STILL competes. The OM is there now, he was in stealth mode..He isn't anymore. So, she gets to see him and feeds her feelings and addiction to him. The OM doesn't care, he'll do as he pleases too.

 

If you don't step in and stop this, make her quit, the A WILL start up again and you'll be feeling foolish for letting her have her way for so long.

[2sunny]

^^

 

NH, you need to take step back and see this from a different angle. Your wife is playing you. NOT malciously, but selfishly. She knows you. She knows what buttons to push, when to pour on the tears, knows how to get her way. Hello, EVERYTHING that has happened, she STILL gets to go to MA classes and STILL competes. The OM is there now, he was in stealth mode..He isn't anymore. So, she gets to see him and feeds her feelings and addiction to him. The OM doesn't care, he'll do as he pleases too.

 

If you don't step in and stop this, make her quit, the A WILL start up again and you'll be feeling foolish for letting her have her way for so long.

 

I actually don't think he should feel foolish no matter what the outcome... I think she's just a smart cheater at her game. She's got everything she wants. An admiring H willing to tolerate her bad behavior, an OM willing to lay low and play her game by sniffing around now that he thinks the cost is clear, and a pawn that pays for all her manipulations so she gets to keep her cushy lifestyle.

 

Wo wouldn't want all that - and more? Only selfish and self entitled people actually pull it all off! Heck, even Donald Trump had a wife who showed him the door when it all happened to him.

 

If it hurts people to have your way and creates negative energy - its never worth sticking around to watch what inevitably happens as an end result.

 

Karma is a terrible thing to see when someone like your wife is in charge.

[Ninja'sHusband]

If true long term reconciliation is your goal, you filing for divorce and meaning it is far more likely to produce good long term results then you telling her MA instructor, which you know may push her to file for divorce. You filing means that you are taking control of the situation. Her filing is you letting her stay in control. Where this matters is that your wife clearly has no respect for you at this time. Filing for divorce will possibly be your last chance to earn that respect back. She cannot love you if she does not respect you.

 

One more thing. I suspect that your wife's MA instructor is no dummy and already knows about the affair and does not think that it is any of his business. Why should he? They are his friends and not yours. Although there is a lot of respect and bowing in most MA traditions, he never signed on to being her or the OM's priest for gosh sakes.

 

I feel pretty much the opposite about everything you said in this post... I feel like by telling I'm taking control and making the A that much more difficult to have and blocking a situation I don't want to continue. I've seen this before. It's gotten lost in the thread, but my WW actually had a small thing with a dude 7 years ago (they kissed and talked about running away...she was high on vicodin and basically crippled at the time). The OMW had her H send a NC letter and it got sent to the sensei. She was kicked out of the dojo completely. That was an American sensei. This one we are dealing with now is Japanese, very traditional. She's scared to death of me telling him. She actually figured out that I had been considering it a few weeks ago and warned me it would be bad if I did. Whatever. What's bad is to have an A and lie about the scope of it to my face when I ask.

 

D on the other hand I don't view as favorably as simply telling the truth to someone. Now I'm putting hurting us all financially, screwing over my W's masters program, hurting and scarring my daughter, etc, etc. I will NOT have that on my hands unless it's absolutely necessary. If WW can't handle people knowing what she did, she can leave. No shame on me for that. I'll be the one that kept my vows to the end. If I do what you are asking I'll lose respect for myself. F-that, let her break her vows 2x if she wants.

[2sunny]

And I do find value in Belle's input. Even if she never speaks her truth to her H - she COULD make amends ( to change or set things right) just with her NEW behavior and actions from here moving forward.

 

Actions carry a lot more merit than empty words. (empty words meaning IF there's no action to backup the words spoken).

[2sunny]

She cheated before? I missed that!

 

Oh man...crap!

 

When I forgave the first time I said " this one time - but if it happens again we are finished without any discussion" and that's the way I ended it at the 20 year mark.

 

Once a cheater shame on YOU - twice a cheater shame on ME.

 

They cheat like that with NO conscience - they can go do that kind of cheating with someone else!

 

You can't save her from herself! She's not willing to CHANGE!

[Ninja'sHusband]

^^

 

NH, you need to take step back and see this from a different angle. Your wife is playing you. NOT malciously, but selfishly. She knows you. She knows what buttons to push, when to pour on the tears, knows how to get her way. Hello, EVERYTHING that has happened, she STILL gets to go to MA classes and STILL competes. The OM is there now, he was in stealth mode..He isn't anymore. So, she gets to see him and feeds her feelings and addiction to him. The OM doesn't care, he'll do as he pleases too.

 

If you don't step in and stop this, make her quit, the A WILL start up again and you'll be feeling foolish for letting her have her way for so long.

I think this maybe part of why she's being so nice right now, I dunno. Could be fake, could be real. I have a suspicion it's just cause I have all the strings, power over her masters, her MA, where we live, etc.

 

If I kill the MA (though it might not work, there's always that possibility...my counselor actually has the opinion someone here stated, that it's none of his business) there goes one big thing she's relying on me for, and a reason to stay in this area. There's more to why she wants to stay here though.

[whichwayisup]

It's gotten lost in the thread, but my WW actually had a small thing with a dude 7 years ago (they kissed and talked about running away...she was high on vicodin and basically crippled at the time). The OMW had her H send a NC letter and it got sent to the sensei. She was kicked out of the dojo completely. That was an American sensei. This one we are dealing with now is Japanese, very traditional. She's scared to death of me telling me. She actually figured out that I had been considering it a few weeks ago and warned me it would be bad if I did. Whatever. What's bad is to have an A and lie about the scope of it to my face when I ask.

 

Wow, my stomach just lurched when I read this and I feel so awful.. for YOU!

 

So, twice she's taken advantage, twice she's gotten involved and cheated with someone who was her class and the dojo/sensai kicked her out, yet she STILL WENT AHEAD knowing all this from her past and took the chance. You don't matter, only she does. Her actions keep showing you this. I did not know this information until just now, so my advice to you is, since she won't quit the MA class, tell the dojo/sensai and let the chips fall where they may. THIS IS HER bloody mess she's created. Obviously she thinks she's above it all to do such a thing and know that 1)she can cheat on you (AGAIN) and 2) Put her marriage at risk..3)Put her reputation (AGAIN) at risk with the dojo.

 

OMFG. I'm shocked and sorry but as much as you don't want to be the bad guy, you don't want to hurt your wife, standing up for what's right and standing up for yourself now HAS to happen. Your wife wears the pants and has gotten away with this for too long. She hasn't learned her lesson(s).. Even after the miscarriage, she STILL won't quit MA and focus on you, your daughter and fixing the family unit. Making that NUMBER ONE PRIORITY. nope, she's choosing HERSELF. Yuck!

[2sunny]

You keep getting things backwards - its like you el responsible for what SHE did and what SHE created! Please stop that...

If her chances at the MA is killed - it's because SHE killed it by doing what SHE DID.

 

You aren't going to kill it - if you tell, it's just YOU being willing to be honest about what happened.

 

She's also sucking you for whatever you're going to go along with. School, not working, having time to do what she wishes, and never giving up her resource where she meets willing and admiring new prospects for men who will cheat with her - all paid for by YOU.