Boundary setting question

[2sunny]

Sending you positive energy today - to stay calm and focused on what is right for you.

 

Hugs

[The Blue Knight]

I will tell you this. I wish, with all my heart, and was telling a friend this last night, that I wished when my XH came to me this last time (but actually, really the first time, also) and said I love you, but I am not in love with you, I had stood up, said well, fine. Go now to whoever she is and knock yourself out. Believe me, I would saved myself months of crying, trying and heartache. Just one example of how I could have saved myself the pain I have been through. Look at Surfer's thread. His signature says "I should have listened the first time around" or something like that.

 

Well, it is what it is, so NH will do what he wants.

Steen, truthfully, that sounds good and we'd all like to think that of spouses who cheated, but let's be honest. You can only base how you'd react to that scenario in the aftermath of your wayward husband's cheating. In other words, had he really done that . . . said, I love you but I'm not in love with you, you still would have had a lot of struggles, emotions, and most probably would have fought to keep him and the marriage together. There's no shame in that.

 

I just don't know that just because you hear those words, you'll walk away without a fight. I know a couple together right now. He announced to her three years ago that he no longer was in love with her. She's been fighting to keep the marriage together all this time. He said he loved another woman, and the strange thing is the other woman was never in love with him, nor did she ever get involved with him. My point is, she's been fighting for his love for the past three years. Easier said than done.

[turnera]

Another idea I liked that was mentioned here is just staying so busy - busy having FUN with YOUR OWN interests - that you don't even care or notice what she is or isn't doing!

 

Some hobbies could easily include your daughter - like art classes, painting, ceramics or a sport once a week like bowling. Bonding time for both of you!

 

Join a hiking club, go on weekend hikes! Take a night class just for growth and fun!

 

Start meeting new people. It could be an adventure to becoming the new you!

That's a great suggestion.

[turnera]

jwi, what would I tell him? What I already did: expose the affair if it's still going on, decide what HE needs personally in his life (not talking about people here, but belief systems, hobbies, jobs, i.e. how to spend his remaining years)...and do THAT. Whether she tags along or not. And enforce his boundaries that ANY person would have.

 

In other words, ignore her. Focus on his daughter. Live his life whether she tags along or not and let his daughter see how much he loves her and wants her.

 

And if she decides to cheat again, take action. For instance, if a WW talks to her lover on the phone he's paying for, cancel the phone. If she contacts OM on the Internet, set up a password that only he knows so she can't use his money to commit adultery. If she calls OM in front of him in the house, calmly hang up the phone and say 'I will not allow you to commit adultery in front of me in MY house.' etc.

 

If she won't do what he needs to recover the marriage, then he ignores her and does what he needs to live HIS life until she's ready to do so. If they become roommates, they become roommates. But he stays with his daughter, which is what he wants right now. Later, who knows?

 

She'll either get the message or get out. Either way, he is living according to HIS standards.

[turnera]

I just don't know that just because you hear those words, you'll walk away without a fight.

I've been doing this advice thing for about 10 years now. In all those years, of all the infidelity cases I've read or advised on, the percentage of people who just walk away without giving the marriage another chance - no matter what the posters told us that they had THOUGHT they would do before anything happened - is maybe, maybe 10%.

 

That said, the absolute best case I ever read was a man who caught his wife in one of their empty rental properties, naked, on the floor, doing the deed. He whipped out his phone and took a picture of them, scooped up their clothes, walked out to the street and dumped the clothes in the middle of the street, and drove off. Without saying a word. Within 2 hours, I think, the wife was back at home, BEGGING him to give her another chance and willing to do anything he wanted. (and she did; they recovered)

Edited April 20, 2012 by turnera

[Ninja'sHusband]

That's a great suggestion.

Believe me I have no trouble filling my time with self absorbed hobbies. I'm a musician with 4 published albums, I've written for TV, video games, other... (used to be a full time pro, now it's a hobby)

 

It's funny because just a couple months before I found out about the A I stopped recording new material because I wanted to spend time getting into shape. Working out means I need more sleep and can't stay up light at night writing\producing music. There was one project that I completed over the last 6 months, and that was only because I committed to it before all this mess started. Right now my focus is getting into better shape and improving the M. We went out and bought me some knee pads and sweat pants last night. Wonder how many times I'll use them.

 

Oh another note, I called OMW again yesterday, still no answer. Probably shouldn't do that anymore. I wanted to warn her about me telling sensei and maybe talk it over. Dunno if she's avoiding me or just not there when I call. I'd love to know where she stands...still no peep from her since I dropped off the packet into her hands.

 

Someone asked if we knew who the father of the miscarried child. Answer is no, it's impossible since it died. I don't really care. Only reason it would have been mine is bc WW was trying to muddy the water. Horrible reason to have a kid

[The Blue Knight]

I've been doing this advice thing for about 10 years now. In all those years, of all the infidelity cases I've read or advised on, the percentage of people who just walk away without giving the marriage another chance - no matter what the posters told us that they had THOUGHT they would do before anything happened - is maybe, maybe 10%.

 

That said, the absolute best case I ever read was a man who caught his wife in one of their empty rental properties, naked, on the floor, doing the deed. He whipped out his phone and took a picture of them, scooped up their clothes, walked out to the street and dumped the clothes in the middle of the street, and drove off. Without saying a word. Within 2 hours, I think, the wife was back at home, BEGGING him to give her another chance and willing to do anything he wanted. (and she did; they recovered)

And that's the truth of the matter no matter how many people talk big talk. Most people are not going to just walk away from their marriages without a fight to win the other person back if they had any feelings for them.

[jwi71]

2) Kidd sent me an email. Basically said to slow the **** down. I could make decisions at my own pace. He was worried about me telling sensei, that it would create a giant rift.

 

This is very likely the case. She'll not be pleased. Given her actions to date she is not likely to see this "saving the M" but as attacking her. Until she gets her head on straight (and there is precious little you can do) you're gonna have to roll with the punches.

 

Its confusing for me because I'm moving to a new place soon...and we have to either go to one larger house...or two smaller ones. So I feel a sense of urgency to get through all this.

 

Consider this. It's confusing because you are eyeballs deep in it. Moving out, creating space and distance might be just what YOU need. I get the fear. BTDT. Its overblown. Create an ACTION plan and execute.

 

And start therapy with you and your D ASAP. Go for the specific purpose of helping her transition through this change (D) Invite your WW. She will either have that "wake up moment" or she'll help your D process it all. Either way, you win: she's either helping to end it or it wakes her up. Her ACTIONS will make it clear.

 

3) The lawyer actually mentioned moving to a smaller place for 1 year while we try to work things out. btw, the guy I saw was a mediation lawyer (yes I did that deliberately). He made it really clear to me that with mediation cases, noone really gets "served papers". The cases where someone gets served are a lot more rare these days. They are the more extreme, nasty Ds with expensive litigation, etc.

 

Kitchen table D. It's what I did.

Again, a win-win. She'll either wake-up and think "oh crap, he's leaving me" and truly "see the light" (you win) or she calmly navigates it and signs (you win via her signing the D, it'll be clear to you she's done, you have zero doubts).

 

It just feels so much more right to me than deliberately tearing the family apart. Sure D would be for *me* but it affects 3 people, once of them an innocent bystander. Telling sensei the truth....that puts the repercussions on 2 people: my WW and the OMM...right where repercussions belong. Writing that sentence just gave me new resolve to stay my course actually. I dunno, maybe OM won't even be there tonight...then I don't know what I'll do.

 

Then do it. I've never objected to you going public.

It's your intent I object to. Because you did not mass "out" this it's very hard to say you did it to save the M. It's like you bullets and you fire them only when she doesn't behave - manipulation. Right idea, wrong execution.

 

You get it. I know.

 

I feel like telling sensei is also the right thing to do because it could also help the OMW out. Even if I D, there's another M in trouble because of this ****.

 

Dang. I'm new to your story and didn't know this. The OM is M too?

Tell his W. Now. Nothing like a pissed off W to distract this OM. And yes, it'll piss off your W.

 

Essentially, you're in for a crappy weekend of a pissed off W, sensei, OM and his W. Brace yourself for the storm.

 

Look, I'm on your side here. BTDT. Save I'm years farther down the road from you. IME, you can't guilt or control your WW to "getting it". No one can. She's gotta want it. And she doesn't. Not now anyways.

 

Honestly, YOU ENABLE HER. The more you manipulate the more justified she feels (you're the bad guy in her mind). The more support, tacit and overt, of her atrocious behavior the worse it gets. And why wouldn't it? No REASON for her to change. Time to give her one. We clearly can't go back in time and drop the atom bomb here (which is full and immediate outing to everyone, mandatory MC and IC, and so on). So, we're gonna affect positive change in YOUR life.

 

By leaving. File for D. Move out. Ask your atty about specific finances (support) then cut her off from everything else. You don't TALK to her unless it's about your D or the D(ivorce). One of two things will happen.

 

1) you end up D.

2) reality bitch slaps her and she has her lightbulb moment.

 

Not sure what else to say.

I know you want to save your M but she doesn't. At least not now.

Time to change your approach. And NOT for her. For YOUR benefit.

 

She just might respond to the actual loss of you. And if she does.... You win. And if she doesn't. Yup, you win.

 

Good luck.

[2sunny]

And that's the truth of the matter no matter how many people talk big talk. Most people are not going to just walk away from their marriages without a fight to win the other person back if they had any feelings for them.

 

Unless they've learned from the cheaters past cheating ways... And they find value in honoring self more than the cheater values them.

 

Many times - you just can't change that a spouse intends to cheat.

 

My exH and I had the ultimate life! Great chemistry, great kids, great family and friends, great sex every day - even several times a day even at the end, big house by the beach.

 

But he just felt entitled to cheat. And that was a deal breaker for what I knew I deserved and wanted for myself. Since he wasn't willing to honor and respect me - I wasn't willing to stay and pretend like he was doing all that - in the end he cheated himself out of the life he knew he wanted and had!

 

He's married to someone else now - and he still tells our friends that he wished he were still married to me. I feel sad and sorry for his wife. I'm sure he's cheating on her now too - its just something he does. There's too much old behavior that points to his cheating. I'm sure his busy wife doesn't realize what evidence she should be looking for - and I'm not gonna tell her!

 

 

It's easier to be removed from all that... He won't change - and I'm glad it's not MY worry or concern anymore! Crazy - I hadn't thought of all those things for the past few years... Maybe that's why I don't type much about it here... I've moved forward.

[Steen719]

Steen, truthfully, that sounds good and we'd all like to think that of spouses who cheated, but let's be honest. You can only base how you'd react to that scenario in the aftermath of your wayward husband's cheating. In other words, had he really done that . . . said, I love you but I'm not in love with you, you still would have had a lot of struggles, emotions, and most probably would have fought to keep him and the marriage together. There's no shame in that.

 

I just don't know that just because you hear those words, you'll walk away without a fight. I know a couple together right now. He announced to her three years ago that he no longer was in love with her. She's been fighting to keep the marriage together all this time. He said he loved another woman, and the strange thing is the other woman was never in love with him, nor did she ever get involved with him. My point is, she's been fighting for his love for the past three years. Easier said than done.

 

OK,well first off, he did say that to me, BOTH TIMES.

 

This is my point. The first time, I didn't know there was another woman. I got sick of wondering what was going on and decided to go forward with my life. Almost immediately after I told him that I had seen an attorney and I wanted him out by Jan. 1st, he started back-pedaling. I didn't know there was another woman until the attorney suggested it. Turns out, she was right.

 

This time, he said the same thing to me. "I love you, but I am not in love with you". I am not saying that I would not have had all of these same emotions; I would have. BUT, I should have known....really, I should have known, that he did this before and for me, the best thing would have been to tell him to go. I would have started moving on faster than I have. You see, I knew just what those words meant and I still tried to figure out what the heck was going on. Stupid, really. I KNEW what was going on.

 

Sure enough, when I finally said screw you, I am done, it was too late to remedy anything. Would it have been, anyway, if I had done this right away? I don't know, but maybe not. I finally made myself have some self-respect and left him. Do I hurt? You betcha I do. 22 years of marriage and taking care of him through his illness left me reeling with his betrayal. All I am saying is that, for me, I knew what those words meant and I wish I had taken stock of my life at that time and just said "GO". Son leaving for college, husband facing a serious illness, my working non-stop (and the only one working)to keep us out of debt and help son with expenses in college, H's transplant, my brother dying while H was in hospital and an overwhelming whopping big debt at the end of all of it made me so beaten down, I cried and said "but why?". Sickening, really. I don't care what anyone else says about themselves. I WISH I HAD SAID "GO". Maybe I would still be in the house and making the payments instead of him being there, refusing to make his half of the payment and never being there since he is with his gf in another city. Maybe I wouldn't have to probably be foreclosed on and probably have to file bankruptcy. There are concrete advantages, also.

 

And NH's wife has done this twice, therefore what I considered to be relevant. He can choose his own path and he will, but in my estimation a person who can hurt you twice like that does not deserve the consideration he is giving her.

[2sunny]

Since NH will most likely stay - be expecting that she WILL continue to cheat. Maybe not with her present OM - but she will be searching for her next victim.

 

She's not going to go without her ego boost/her fix.

 

She may have several prospects in mind... She may be grooming someone already... The grooming phase is part of their excitement.

[drifter777]

And that's the truth of the matter no matter how many people talk big talk. Most people are not going to just walk away from their marriages without a fight to win the other person back if they had any feelings for them.

 

I agree that people really don't know what they would do until it happens.

 

There are some things I wonder about that I'm not sure there has been much research on because it is so complex. Things like how many BS's that end the marriage within a month of d-day regret their decision? How many BS's that reconcile come to seriously regret that decision? How many couples that "survive" infidelity end up divorcing within 5 years - even if the infidelity is not tagged as the reason?

 

My point is that I believe many BS's offer a "cheap forgiveness" to their WS soon after d-day in an attempt to put the misery and conflict behind them. I also believe that in the majority of these cases, the BS eventually comes to resent their cheating spouse and the whole incident comes back to the forefront. Of course the WS gaslights the BS with the old "don't live in the past, you need to get over it" which often leads to more contempt. This is when a BS will seek counseling and finally begin to work through the emotions that continue to torture them. And, of course, some BS's are willing to trade resolving their emotions for the security of having a partner; even one who has treats them badly.

[Steen719]

 

My point is that I believe many BS's offer a "cheap forgiveness" to their WS soon after d-day in an attempt to put the misery and conflict behind them. I also believe that in the majority of these cases, the BS eventually comes to resent their cheating spouse and the whole incident comes back to the forefront. Of course the WS gaslights the BS with the old "don't live in the past, you need to get over it" which often leads to more contempt. This is when a BS will seek counseling and finally begin to work through the emotions that continue to torture them. And, of course, some BS's are willing to trade resolving their emotions for the security of having a partner; even one who has treats them badly.

 

^^^^^^^^Yep

[jwi71]

jwi, what would I tell him? What I already did: expose the affair if it's still going on, decide what HE needs personally in his life (not talking about people here, but belief systems, hobbies, jobs, i.e. how to spend his remaining years)...and do THAT. Whether she tags along or not. And enforce his boundaries that ANY person would have.

 

In other words, ignore her. Focus on his daughter. Live his life whether she tags along or not and let his daughter see how much he loves her and wants her.

 

And if she decides to cheat again, take action. For instance, if a WW talks to her lover on the phone he's paying for, cancel the phone. If she contacts OM on the Internet, set up a password that only he knows so she can't use his money to commit adultery. If she calls OM in front of him in the house, calmly hang up the phone and say 'I will not allow you to commit adultery in front of me in MY house.' etc.

 

If she won't do what he needs to recover the marriage, then he ignores her and does what he needs to live HIS life until she's ready to do so. If they become roommates, they become roommates. But he stays with his daughter, which is what he wants right now. Later, who knows?

 

She'll either get the message or get out. Either way, he is living according to HIS standards.

 

I don't agree with those as some of those actions may instigate fights at home in front of the D and increase drama and "unhealthiness".

 

Notice I didn't tell you how to post. Nor in what direction YOU should post(stay vs leave).

 

I simply disagreed Because NH doesn't need YOU to speak for him.

 

It has occurred to me that good threads go bad (queue FOX music) when posters overstep their bounds and attempt to police others or provide opinions on their advice. Its how the thread gets closed and the OP denied help.

 

I have ZERO ill-will towards you but I must admit your initial post to me rubbed me the wrong way. It's a pet peeve of mine.

 

No worries. End T/J

[findingnemo]

drifter,

 

We have a saying in Africa loosely translated as "In marriage, there's no formula". Sometimes people are just serial cheaters, conflict avoiders, cake eaters and there's nothing you can do because they are also very good actors - Oscar worthy. When push comes to shove, they will do anything, say anything, become anyone you want them to be. That's is until they think you are no longer hyper vigilant. So whether BS' forgive too quickly or not is very hard to gauge.

 

Every M is unique, just like most serial cheaters have unique styles of "convincing" their spouses that things will be fine. I wish there was a formula.

[2sunny]

I figured if my then H was going to cheat when things seemed great and perfect - he'd be even more likely to cheat when things weren't perfect!

 

I have to say - I always felt that if I got old and really sick - that he wouldn't take care of me - that he'd just go find another gal that could help feed his ego instead of being a bother to him.

 

That feeling sucked scissors!

[Ninja'sHusband]

This is very likely the case. She'll not be pleased. Given her actions to date she is not likely to see this "saving the M" but as attacking her. Until she gets her head on straight (and there is precious little you can do) you're gonna have to roll with the punches.

 

 

 

Consider this. It's confusing because you are eyeballs deep in it. Moving out, creating space and distance might be just what YOU need. I get the fear. BTDT. Its overblown. Create an ACTION plan and execute.

 

And start therapy with you and your D ASAP. Go for the specific purpose of helping her transition through this change (D) Invite your WW. She will either have that "wake up moment" or she'll help your D process it all. Either way, you win: she's either helping to end it or it wakes her up. Her ACTIONS will make it clear.

 

 

 

Kitchen table D. It's what I did.

Again, a win-win. She'll either wake-up and think "oh crap, he's leaving me" and truly "see the light" (you win) or she calmly navigates it and signs (you win via her signing the D, it'll be clear to you she's done, you have zero doubts).

 

 

 

Then do it. I've never objected to you going public.

It's your intent I object to. Because you did not mass "out" this it's very hard to say you did it to save the M. It's like you bullets and you fire them only when she doesn't behave - manipulation. Right idea, wrong execution.

 

You get it. I know.

 

 

 

Dang. I'm new to your story and didn't know this. The OM is M too?

Tell his W. Now. Nothing like a pissed off W to distract this OM. And yes, it'll piss off your W.

 

Essentially, you're in for a crappy weekend of a pissed off W, sensei, OM and his W. Brace yourself for the storm.

 

Look, I'm on your side here. BTDT. Save I'm years farther down the road from you. IME, you can't guilt or control your WW to "getting it". No one can. She's gotta want it. And she doesn't. Not now anyways.

 

Honestly, YOU ENABLE HER. The more you manipulate the more justified she feels (you're the bad guy in her mind). The more support, tacit and overt, of her atrocious behavior the worse it gets. And why wouldn't it? No REASON for her to change. Time to give her one. We clearly can't go back in time and drop the atom bomb here (which is full and immediate outing to everyone, mandatory MC and IC, and so on). So, we're gonna affect positive change in YOUR life.

 

By leaving. File for D. Move out. Ask your atty about specific finances (support) then cut her off from everything else. You don't TALK to her unless it's about your D or the D(ivorce). One of two things will happen.

 

1) you end up D.

2) reality bitch slaps her and she has her lightbulb moment.

 

Not sure what else to say.

I know you want to save your M but she doesn't. At least not now.

Time to change your approach. And NOT for her. For YOUR benefit.

 

She just might respond to the actual loss of you. And if she does.... You win. And if she doesn't. Yup, you win.

 

Good luck.

Great post man

 

(post officer? )

 

I agree, it would have been FAR better to have outed to everyone from the start. I made a comment on that earlier actually. I wish I had done it. Then there's only one A-Bomb to recover from. I'm doing the BS version of trickle truth. Would have been better to just tell everyone everything from the start. There was just no way for me to have understood that back then...so while I wish I had done it I don't really kick myself over it too hard.

 

I did start the "kitchen table" D a while back(trying to show her how insane the finance aspect was going to be) and it's one of the things that brought her back into the M...Unfortunately at that point I had already gone back on my demand of her quitting the class....so I fully admit...if I had stuck to my guns she might have come around. I dunno though, that period was so scary. She was on the point of suicide as it was, guilt, shame, rejected from masters program, feeling like she couldn't have her MA because it was wrong. etc. Yeah, might have been a big mistake to back off of the threat...and the threat might even come true eventually anyway. You gotta understand though how many different "expert" opinions I'm taking into account here... My T feels for me, I tell her everything I read, people I talk to (I often bring up the "Angry BW Club"'s or "Sympathetic BH Club"'s advice). I think she tries to give me the same message Kidd did in his email. "Slow the **** DOWN!", you are drinking from the firehose! Part of the reason I identify with Kidd so much is we both took the "Read a million books" approach. I only came to these forums after reading everything I thought relevant and seeking professional advice. Was kind of a last resort cause I couldn't piece the answers together from the sources I had.

 

 

Oh, and I did tell OMW. I dropped an info packet off at her house about 2 months ago, on the advice of this thread. One theory was that she was keeping him from the dojo, he had been absent a lot longer than we expected (he was staying home anyway to help his kid with a project)

[2sunny]

Stay calm, cool and collected.

 

No reacting or over reacting to anything... You will know better what to do or not do when your mind is clear and calm.

 

Your gut (or intuition) will allow you to understand what is right for YOU when the time comes to take action.

 

Keep your mind free of worry and stress - best way to "know what's right for you".

[Ninja'sHusband]

Just for the record, between these two posts I was driving to and from OM\OMW's house, delivering the truth to the OMW:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/314134-boundary-setting-question-4.html#post3833953

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/314134-boundary-setting-question-4.html#post3834146

 

Maybe I'm finally moving to sensei stage, because we are just now getting to the point of finding out whether the steps I took that day are actually paying off or not. Seems like not completely like I hoped.

[2sunny]

Are you planning to speak to his wife in person?

 

If so, good for you!

[Ninja'sHusband]

Are you planning to speak to his wife in person?

 

If so, good for you!

The previous post I made was pointing to what happened 2 months ago.

 

Recently though I made two attempts to call her and warn her I might spill to sensei. You think I should actually drive to her house again? I'm wondering if she's not just avoiding me...

 

I could probably be talked into going there with good reasons. I feel like she has some right to know if I'm going to rat her WH to the dojo. ESPECIALLY if she never opened that packet. That would be a terrible way to learn the truth.

 

 

If I do warn her in person...uhh....I need to leave like right now ^^

[whichwayisup]

Go talk to her..Now.

[drifter777]

The previous post I made was pointing to what happened 2 months ago.

 

Recently though I made two attempts to call her and warn her I might spill to sensei. You think I should actually drive to her house again? I'm wondering if she's not just avoiding me...

 

I could probably be talked into going there with good reasons. I feel like she has some right to know if I'm going to rat her WH to the dojo. ESPECIALLY if she never opened that packet. That would be a terrible way to learn the truth.

 

 

If I do warn her in person...uhh....I need to leave like right now ^^

 

You've tried and failed to contact her regarding exposing A to sensei so forget about it. Just do what you think is best.

[jwi71]

NH,

 

If it is YOUR sense/feeling that things are moving too fast -ie drinking from the fire hydrant (awesome movie btw) then yes, SLOW DOWN.

 

The problem is that temporary solutions do often become permanent ones and the "slow down" becomes "stop" (or stuck). So here's a compromise.

 

A deadline. For YOU. Give yourself x amount of time then, as the dealine is reached, act. Take the time to think. As slow as you need. But KEEP these internal deadlines - they're for you and your benefit.

 

Pertaining to the hurricane of conflicting advice.

LS and books are ADDITIVE to your IC, your lawyer, your family, trusted friends and so on. LS should NEVER be the first stop. I'm not a therapist and I dont play one on TV. but I HAVE walked that path. Maybe what I know and experienced and learned can help. I'm additive for not a substitute to professional and personal advice.

 

Take what you need, what resonates with you and ignore the rest. That doesn't mean fall into groupthink - heed advice that makes sense to you.

 

I'm sorry my advice is off in regards to facts. I'm way late here and clearly ignorant to some things. Equally clear is to ignore advice I might give if facts on the ground don't support it.

 

Verify the OM's W knows. Forget the conflict avoiding "drop it off at the front door" -straight up call her. Tell her. Ask her if she wishes her H to continue the A. You get the idea.

 

Tell the sensei in private. Then tell your W if she wants to keep attending it comes from HER funds, not YOUR funds or joint funds. Because you are going to stop bankrolling a cheating W. in fact, I would separate finances pronto. Get her off your CC(s), open a new account for YOU and all future pay goes there. You move $ to the shared account to cover legitimate expenses (utilities, food, rent/mortgage, etc). Consult your atty.

 

Yeah, the finances take a hit. So what. Moneys replacible, your sanity perhaps not.

 

And how about a break from LS? Take off Sat and Sun from here. Come back Mon. Detox a bit.

 

Left foot, right foot. One step and day at a time. Before you know it, you're there!

So....where's "there" NH?

[2sunny]

There may be some significant value in finding out what the situation is in her other mans camp.