Boundary setting question

[2sunny]

Now that you mention it, it does seem surprising that no one has previously suggested NPD but perhaps it is really just now that NH is really sharing more precisely what she says rather than just her decisions. The successful avoidance of questions and ultimately getting her way regardless of her H is pretty classic. From the little I have read, narcissists are fundamentally unable to empathize or know right from wrong. As well, I've seen it said that it is truly uncurable; you simply need to run away. They will do whatever is necessary to stay in control and ultimately don't feel empathy for those that they hurt but more often just see them as a resource for getting what they want. Combine this with a codependent spouse and you've got a very successful narcissist.

 

I think it's been mentioned several times - but many things here get overlooked easily when focused on all the issues she seems to constantly dump on NH.

 

I was married to a N - they really only think of themselves and how everything will affect them. They stop at noting to get what they want- no matter who gets hurt. They also have no compassion for others feelings. They also fail to OWN their bad behavior - always wanting it to be "someone else's fault".

 

And yes, they do need very passive people to go along with their "personality" because they are always in charge and always right.

[2sunny]

Are you keeping an eye on your bank balance? I hope so...

 

And I'd warn your credit card companies that NO CASH ADVANCES are allowed on the cards!

 

I must admit - when my cheating exH left for his weekend away - I cleaned out all our savings and took cash advances on the cards. I left him with no money while I had almost 100k sitting in an account in my name only...

Edited April 28, 2012 by 2sunny

[2sunny]

Here's some info:

 

Narcissistic personality disorder - PubMed Health

[whichwayisup]

Yeah I see her staying home as a way of calming me down before our session on Monday. The thing is' date='[b'] if she still refuses to quit.[/b]..I won't know what sense's stance is, missing a piece. It does feel like chess..we're being nice to each other like normal,but there's the weird simmering tension that we're both ignoring.

 

If she refuses to quit, then you refuse to pay for her classes. Simple enough. She can ask her daddy to pay for it. Or she can do what's right and QUIT.

 

You could go talk to the sensei - Since he is the one getting your money. Just something to think about! There are always options out there.

 

Don't ignore the tension! Send your kid off to a friends house for a sleepover. Or ask her sister to take your daughter, so you two can have ALONE time to talk without worrying about what the energy in the house is like and you can be loud if need be.

[2sunny]

If she refuses to quit, then you refuse to pay for her classes. Simple enough. She can ask her daddy to pay for it. Or she can do what's right and QUIT.

 

You could go talk to the sensei - Since he is the one getting your money. Just something to think about! There are always options out there.

 

Don't ignore the tension! Send your kid off to a friends house for a sleepover. Or ask her sister to take your daughter, so you two can have ALONE time to talk without worrying about what the energy in the house is like and you can be loud if need be.

 

WWIU - he has already paid in advance for the whole year! How convenient for her eh?

 

I'd be demanding a refund! You didn't think you were paying for an environment for your wife to cheat!

[Wanderer25]

Let her process what just happened to her. She did not expect this from you. Give her time to actually digest what happened . Not going to the class is a good start. let us see what happens on Monday.

 

2sunny approach is way too attacking IMO.

[whichwayisup]

Let her process what just happened to her. She did not expect this from you. Give her time to actually digest what happened . Not going to the class is a good start. let us see what happens on Monday.

 

2sunny approach is way too attacking IMO.

 

If you feel she's being too attacking use the alert us option and let the mods decide.

 

You are too sympathic and hand holding towards his wife. Hello, she knew consquences were coming it was only a matter of time. Plus, let's not forget she was kicked out of her previous dojo class for CHEATING.

 

Only reason why she didn't go is because she couldn't face the heat and uncomfortableness/gossip amongst those who didn't know she was having an A. She brought this ALL on herself. Or another reason is, she is suspended or got kicked out.

[whichwayisup]

WWIU - he has already paid in advance for the whole year! How convenient for her eh?

 

I'd be demanding a refund! You didn't think you were paying for an environment for your wife to cheat!

 

Year ending when? Can't remember when she started the class.

 

Yes he can go to dojo and ask for the remaining money left for the rest of the year and then she can ask her father for money if she wants to continue.

[2sunny]

Let her process what just happened to her. She did not expect this from you. Give her time to actually digest what happened . Not going to the class is a good start. let us see what happens on Monday.

 

2sunny approach is way too attacking IMO.

 

Let her process? Sheez, she got caught cheating last October! She's had long enough to process! She just hasn't had ANY consequences until a week or so ago!

 

It's Ninjas Husband that's suffered consequences of HER bad behavior. Why should he? Why not her?

 

I'm not attacking - I'm working from the evidence he OP has given. Have you read the whole story?

[2sunny]

Year ending when? Can't remember when she started the class.

 

Yes he can go to dojo and ask for the remaining money left for the rest of the year and then she can ask her father for money if she wants to continue.

 

Maybe through December? And she also expects to attend the competition in Japan.

[2sunny]

Let her process what just happened to her. She did not expect this from you. Give her time to actually digest what happened . Not going to the class is a good start. let us see what happens on Monday.

 

2sunny approach is way too attacking IMO.

 

Seems like it could be his wife...

[Wanderer25]

Now that you accuse me2sunny, I'll say this. You seem to be unhealthily obsessed with NH wife's affair and his wife. You seem to hate her at a personal level. I don't disagree with some of your approach/advice but you are way too pushy and aggressive. just go back and read your own posts.

Edited April 28, 2012 by Wanderer25

[Artie Lang]

it does seem surprising that no one has previously suggested NPD

 

oh, i had an inkling of this. just didn't see it necessary to pile on.

 

if you've read BrighterWashing's thread, her husband exhibits the same traits as Ninja's WW. i've mentioned it, but she just blows it off. her story mirrors Ninja's. it's right there.....clear as day. i think denial is what happened here, and is happening there(BrighterWashing).

[The Blue Knight]

Are you keeping an eye on your bank balance? I hope so...

 

And I'd warn your credit card companies that NO CASH ADVANCES are allowed on the cards!

 

I must admit - when my cheating exH left for his weekend away - I cleaned out all our savings and took cash advances on the cards. I left him with no money while I had almost 100k sitting in an account in my name only...

 

100K!!! Suddenly I'm finding you to be quite attractive Sunny.

[ISurvived]

Yeah I see her staying home as a way of calming me down before our session on Monday. The thing is' date=' if she still refuses to quit...I won't know what sense's stance is, missing a piece. It does feel like chess..we're being nice to each other like normal,but there's the weird simmering tension that we're both ignoring.[/quote']

 

Not good to ignore the tension. Just address it in a calm manner.

 

Marriage shouldn't be a chess match. (Yeah, I know. That's a Mr. Obvious statement!!)

[SandieBeach]

Originally Posted by 2sunny

Are you keeping an eye on your bank balance? I hope so...

 

And I'd warn your credit card companies that NO CASH ADVANCES are allowed on the cards!

 

I must admit - when my cheating exH left for his weekend away - I cleaned out all our savings and took cash advances on the cards. I left him with no money while I had almost 100k sitting in an account in my name only...

 

100K!!! Suddenly I'm finding you to be quite attractive Sunny.

 

 

Now, you better not slip up and reveal your identity, Sunny! All the men on here, married or not, are going to go after you! :D:D

[Wanderer25]

Let her process? Sheez, she got caught cheating last October! She's had long enough to process! She just hasn't had ANY consequences until a week or so ago!

 

It's Ninjas Husband that's suffered consequences of HER bad behavior. Why should he? Why not her?

 

I'm not attacking - I'm working from the evidence he OP has given. Have you read the whole story?

 

I did read the whole story. But did you read what I posted ? Am I talking about consequences ? You are not reacting beyond "OMG, she cheated, Burn that witch"

 

Let me rephrase what I meant. Until now, she is used to having things done her own way. Now NH is ready to give up. So she will either stand up for the marriage or she will decide to separate. Either way, she needs to make a major decision whether it is the right one or wrong one. I'm just suggesting that giving her some time will help her make a proper final decision, especially since she is used to having things her own way and her knee jerk reaction would usually be a selfish one. You cannot also guarantee that she won't resent him if she makes a decision to R in haste.

 

edit: Wait, you have 100K? I totally agree with you

[turnera]

I won't know what sense's stance is' date=' missing a piece. [/quote']NH, are you working on your tendency to avoid confrontation? It would be very simple for you to know what his stance is - by going to talk to him - but you keep making excuses for not doing so.

[Ninja'sHusband]

Now that you accuse me2sunny, I'll say this. You seem to be unhealthily obsessed with NH wife's affair and his wife. You seem to hate her at a personal level. I don't disagree with some of your approach/advice but you are way too pushy and aggressive. just go back and read your own posts.

And this threads top 10 posters aaaAAARRrrreeeE!!!

 

#1 Ninja'sHusband 286

#2 2sunny 277

#3 whichwayisup 77

#4 turnera 65

#5 The Blue Knight 45

#5 Owl 43

#7 Bellechica 39

#8 Kidd 36

#9 jwi71 29

#10 Wanderer25 27

 

(click on the reply count in the infidelity page to see the full list)

[Ninja'sHusband]

NH, are you working on your tendency to avoid confrontation? It would be very simple for you to know what his stance is - by going to talk to him - but you keep making excuses for not doing so.

I'm not avoiding conflict with sensei, I just don't think I have a right to push him in any direction. I gave him the info. If he wants to do nothing that's his right. I'd probably be more likely to get action out of him if I don't push it.

 

As for conflict avoidance...pshhaww....We've talked in MC many times about how my family is high conflict and my WW is low conflict\conflict avoiders.

That's one of our biggest problems. I've had to learn to be a lot more restrained if anything.

[2sunny]

I did read the whole story. But did you read what I posted ? Am I talking about consequences ? You are not reacting beyond "OMG, she cheated, Burn that witch"

 

Let me rephrase what I meant. Until now, she is used to having things done her own way. Now NH is ready to give up. So she will either stand up for the marriage or she will decide to separate. Either way, she needs to make a major decision whether it is the right one or wrong one. I'm just suggesting that giving her some time will help her make a proper final decision, especially since she is used to having things her own way and her knee jerk reaction would usually be a selfish one. You cannot also guarantee that she won't resent him if she makes a decision to R in haste.

 

edit: Wait, you have 100K? I totally agree with you

 

Why is she the one to decide the fate of what happens? She's been deciding all along with her NON actions.

 

And NH has been a conflict avoider. But now he has some expectations of her and that is good... That may change things.

 

And my situation was 7 years ago...

[Wanderer25]

Because NH made his terms clear to her. So either she can agree and help him rebuild the marriage or leave the marriage. So unfortunately, the fate of the marriage depends on her but if it has a future , it will be on NH terms.

 

And regarding your money, it must have accumulated interest . Is that what you are trying to say?

[soserious1]

What on earth is all of this?

 

My Take on what needs to happen?

 

1. She quits the dojo immediately!

2. She quits MA entirely as well

3. She takes a leave of absence from her Master's program

4. She goes to both IC & Couple's therapy

5. She gets a job immediately.

6.She goes nowhere without her husband & child except to work & she returns straight to home immediately afterwards.

7. She gives any/all cell phone, email & computer account passwords to her husband.

8. she turns her entire paycheck, every last penny of it over to her husband

 

In short, she agrees to devote her time to her husband & family, she puts aside FOREVER her selfish pursuits & turns her focus onto repairing her marriage & parenting her child.

 

Anything less than this? I'd put her out the door immediately, she's no good.

[soserious1]

Seriously, this woman is almost 38 years old, & clearly has deluded herself into thinking she's the female version of Bruce Lee or something.

 

This "sport" does NOTHING to bring income into the family & even without considering her unfaithful actions, the sport does nothing but take money away from the family & diverts her attention & energy from where it needs to be focused, on her husband, child, her home & on working at a job so that she can help to support the child she co-created.

[Steen719]

What on earth is all of this?

 

My Take on what needs to happen?

 

1. She quits the dojo immediately!

2. She quits MA entirely as well

3. She takes a leave of absence from her Master's program

4. She goes to both IC & Couple's therapy

5. She gets a job immediately.

6.She goes nowhere without her husband & child except to work & she returns straight to home immediately afterwards.

7. She gives any/all cell phone, email & computer account passwords to her husband.

8. she turns her entire paycheck, every last penny of it over to her husband

 

In short, she agrees to devote her time to her husband & family, she puts aside FOREVER her selfish pursuits & turns her focus onto repairing her marriage & parenting her child.

 

Anything less than this? I'd put her out the door immediately, she's no good.

 

 

And there you have it in a nutshell. Anything less prolongs this agony for NH and continues to give the power to his W.

 

I might add that she needs to apologize to the OMW if she has not. If she doesn't see her H's pain, maybe she will the OMW. Maybe not, but the woman still deserves an apology for what NHW did.