Boundary setting question

[2sunny]

Since posting in your thread seems to bring me criticism for trying to help you - I'm out.

[Ninja'sHusband]

Since posting in your thread seems to bring me criticism for trying to help you - I'm out.

Thanks for encouraging me to call OMW again 2Sunny. That ended up being a very good thing.

[ISurvived]

Since posting in your thread seems to bring me criticism for trying to help you - I'm out.

 

2sunny,

I don't think you should go. You are entitled to your opinion as is anyone that posts here. Everyone isn't the same thank God!!

 

I see you as matter of fact and to the point. Blunt at times. Then again, that is what I needed from some posters over on Marriage Builders to wake me up a couple of months after D-Day 1.

[The Blue Knight]

And this threads top 10 posters aaaAAARRrrreeeE!!!

 

#1 Ninja'sHusband 286

#2 2sunny 277

#3 whichwayisup 77

#4 turnera 65

#5 The Blue Knight 45

#5 Owl 43

#7 Bellechica 39

#8 Kidd 36

#9 jwi71 29

#10 Wanderer25 27

 

(click on the reply count in the infidelity page to see the full list)

Coming in at #5!!! Not too hot . . . not too cold. I am jussssttttt right.

[The Blue Knight]

What on earth is all of this?

 

My Take on what needs to happen?

 

1. She quits the dojo immediately!

2. She quits MA entirely as well

3. She takes a leave of absence from her Master's program

4. She goes to both IC & Couple's therapy

5. She gets a job immediately.

6.She goes nowhere without her husband & child except to work & she returns straight to home immediately afterwards.

7. She gives any/all cell phone, email & computer account passwords to her husband.

8. she turns her entire paycheck, every last penny of it over to her husband

 

In short, she agrees to devote her time to her husband & family, she puts aside FOREVER her selfish pursuits & turns her focus onto repairing her marriage & parenting her child.

 

Anything less than this? I'd put her out the door immediately, she's no good.

 

Soserious is back!!! Yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

[whichwayisup]

Since posting in your thread seems to bring me criticism for trying to help you - I'm out.

 

No you're not. Like me before when I thought NH was ignoring my words and not acknowledging anything I said, you stood up and spoke your mind, so it's my turn.

 

Who cares what others on here think of your posting style. You HAVE been helping NH and it seems he appreciates you and what you have to offer. Don't those who have not contributed and only are here to piss on other members and pick apart their advice drive you off NH's thread.

 

You have been through this, a cheating husband and much more. Your advice is helpful, heartfelt and passionate. Your heart is in the right place, and you care. that passion and how you post is why you help others. Don't give up now. Okay?

[2sunny]

It wasn't wanderer - it was more this from another thread:

 

For once I agree with Sunny. The fact that she was honest is a good thing. The fact that she apologizes over and over is also great. The fact that it is probably the only offense is wonderful. The fact that he is nowhere near you guys is another thing to be thankful for. I think you will have a quick recovery compared to many of us. The mind movies do suck' date=' I'm sorry for that. Learn what you need to learn. For me sex made the movies worse at first but then better.[/quote']

 

I post more to help MANY people viewing who may not ever think of starting a thread... Based on circumstances given by any OP - and my experience and perspective. I stayed and forgave at the ten year mark. I left and divorced when cheating came around at the 20 year mark. I've done both ways...

 

I know every situation is different - but some elements of these situations are essentially the same when they happen.

 

I have given my suggestions to NH - he will do what he decides - which is good!

 

I'm praying for peace within your family - no matter the outcome - all my best to all of you.

 

Never settle NH! You deserve the best!

[Wanderer25]

Look 2sunny, I am sorry if I offended you. I've said it before, I don't disagree with either your posts or opinions. It was the pushy attitude that I was cautioning you about.

[whichwayisup]

Look 2sunny, I am sorry if I offended you. I've said it before, I don't disagree with either your posts or opinions. It was the pushy attitude that I was cautioning you about.

 

But this isn't your thread. If it was, then you'd have the right to let her know how you feel. Let NH deal with it since it's his thread. and if you don't like how she posts, then hit the alert us function and let the mods decide if she is too pushy. It's unfair to call her out on NH's thread.

[BetrayedH]

But this isn't your thread. If it was, then you'd have the right to let her know how you feel. Let NH deal with it since it's his thread. and if you don't like how she posts, then hit the alert us function and let the mods decide if she is too pushy. It's unfair to call her out on NH's thread.

 

In Wanderer's defense, NH has numerous times during this thread requested that Sunny just stop. She refused. It is sometimes over the top and even angry and belittling.

 

That said, NH himself has more recently been responding to her posts and finding value in them. Sunny, if NH wants you to continue (as I suspect he does), I hope you do. The reality is that this is a style vs substance issue. From a BS POV, your style is hard to take especially at first. But I doubt many disagree with the substance of what you say - although I think very few have the same passion to implement it on a time frame that is satisfactory to you.

[Artie Lang]

 

And this threads top 10 posters aaaAAARRrrreeeE!!!

 

#1 Ninja'sHusband 286

#2 2sunny 277

#3 whichwayisup 77

#4 turnera 65

#5 The Blue Knight 45

#5 Owl 43

#7 Bellechica 39

#8 Kidd 36

#9 jwi 71

#10 Wanderer25 27

 

hilarious!

 

if this isn't an obsession, i don't know what is.

[Bellechica]

Hi NH! I know your W still does not seem to be honoring your requests, but I want to know if she is doing anything as a W to try to reconnect with you?

 

Are you all spending time alone and talking about things other than the A? At one point you said you thought she felt remorseful. You definitively said she feels guilt. Is she doing anything positive to show you she still loves you?

[Ninja'sHusband]

Hi NH! I know your W still does not seem to be honoring your requests, but I want to know if she is doing anything as a W to try to reconnect with you?

 

Are you all spending time alone and talking about things other than the A? At one point you said you thought she felt remorseful. You definitively said she feels guilt. Is she doing anything positive to show you she still loves you?

Yes, actually we are doing quite well other than this massive problem of her wanting to go to the place where OM goes.

 

As much as it sucks, I just know that having this giant club smashed on my head every Friday + many weekends is not something I can sustain. It saddens me because this weekend has been wonderful. I was lying in bed this morning with her, basically kissing her goodbye, I feel the end is so near. I do still love her and I think she has some feeling for me...but I just sense she has been secretly checked out for a long time. My counselor said the same thing last time I saw her. No tears or anything melodramatic right now...I've been through that already.

[Bellechica]

And I know you told her that her going to the dojo is like daggers in your heart.

 

I'm glad the weekend went well, but again, I'm sorry for your suffering.

[Steen719]

I was lying in bed this morning with her' date=' basically kissing her goodbye, [b']I feel the end is so near. I do still love her and I think she has some feeling for me...but I just sense she has been secretly checked out for a long time. My counselor said the same thing last time I saw her.[/b]

 

Really sad, NH, but it was so evident when she was not willing to do the one thing that could have helped to save her marriage to you.

 

You can't make someone want to do the right thing. You just can't.

[The Blue Knight]

Yes, actually we are doing quite well other than this massive problem of her wanting to go to the place where OM goes.

 

As much as it sucks, I just know that having this giant club smashed on my head every Friday + many weekends is not something I can sustain. It saddens me because this weekend has been wonderful. I was lying in bed this morning with her, basically kissing her goodbye, I feel the end is so near. I do still love her and I think she has some feeling for me...but I just sense she has been secretly checked out for a long time. My counselor said the same thing last time I saw her. No tears or anything melodramatic right now...I've been through that already.

Sorry NH. Gosh, some of your postings take me back to time I'd rather forget. I felt the same way. It was like she was there in the flesh but gone in so many other ways. And once they cross a certain point I don't think they can be brought back. I feel for ya buddy.

[jwi71]

Yes, actually we are doing quite well other than this massive problem of her wanting to go to the place where OM goes.

 

As much as it sucks, I just know that having this giant club smashed on my head every Friday + many weekends is not something I can sustain. It saddens me because this weekend has been wonderful. I was lying in bed this morning with her, basically kissing her goodbye, I feel the end is so near. I do still love her and I think she has some feeling for me...but I just sense she has been secretly checked out for a long time. My counselor said the same thing last time I saw her. No tears or anything melodramatic right now...I've been through that already.

 

Does this mean you are giving up the fight?

If so, retain that lawyer and file ASAP. There are some benefits to being the plaintiff vs respondent in court. Additionally, I would cite her infidelity as the for cause reason for the lawsuit (a divorce is a lawsuit in which the saught remedy is divorce from spouse). Here's why you cite for cause:

 

You have continuously and admirably fought to keep your R with your D intact. Filing for cause codifies that your WW brought about this end of your M and, from your D's eyes, the new changed family situation. She can view the D papers when she is older and more capable of understanding things. At that time, your D would know it not only wasn't your fault but you tried, valiantly to save "it all".

 

I hope, that should it come to D, that in time none of that would be needed. And by this I mean that all three of you heal, recover and move on with your lives.

 

Or it comes to D, clearly MC is over. But substitute IC for you and get some therapy for your daughter. It'll be the best investment you can make for her right now. And the IC will also pay dividends for you.

 

And...if you AREN'T done fighting, retain that lawyer and file for legal separation. I have already provided the why. Either way NH - your moving out and away from your WW.

 

The difference between the two is intent. Are you done fighting?

Edited April 30, 2012 by jwi71

[jwi71]

And this threads top 10 posters aaaAAARRrrreeeE!!!

 

#1 Ninja'sHusband 286

#2 2sunny 277

#3 whichwayisup 77

#4 turnera 65

#5 The Blue Knight 45

#5 Owl 43

#7 Bellechica 39

#8 Kidd 36

#9 jwi71 29

#10 Wanderer25 27

 

(click on the reply count in the infidelity page to see the full list)

 

What was the point of this?

To bash 2Sunny, who, despite advice or tone others may not agree with, was only trying to help? If not, then what?

 

"I don't like what or how or how often you say so let me humiliate and embarrass you"?

 

WTF is wrong with you people?

 

Are you so thin skinned and immature that you must lash out simply because you can't hit the ignore button? Or handle contrarian advice?

 

Really?

[Owl]

NH...wanted to give you a thought, since it's so uncharacteristic for your wife to skip a class.

 

Someone else asked the question, and it's worth repeating...are you sure staying home Friday night was your wife's idea?

 

Could be that she heard back from the sensei...letting her know not to come. Could be that she's not wanting to 'face' that group of friends, now that they "know" for sure.

 

Thoughts?

[Ninja'sHusband]

Just got back from MC. Yeah she wasn't there to work things out, just like last time we had a session like that. It's over. She'd rather practice slicing people in half than have an intact family. She'd rather continue to damage OM and OMW's M. Just unbelievable. I can't even begin to understand her. Such a ****ing tragedy. My daughter takes the worst punishment because of WW's...sickness or whatever it is. As of right now we are heading for D. Still dunno what sensei says...

[Ninja'sHusband]

NH...wanted to give you a thought, since it's so uncharacteristic for your wife to skip a class.

 

Someone else asked the question, and it's worth repeating...are you sure staying home Friday night was your wife's idea?

 

Could be that she heard back from the sensei...letting her know not to come. Could be that she's not wanting to 'face' that group of friends, now that they "know" for sure.

 

Thoughts?

She actually missed about a month straight during all this, so it's not that unusual. I think she just wanted a peaceful house, by softening me up a little.

[ISurvived]

Just got back from MC. Yeah she wasn't there to work things out' date=' just like last time we had a session like that. It's over. She'd rather practice slicing people in half than have an intact family. She'd rather continue to damage OM and OMW's M. Just unbelievable. I can't even begin to understand her. Such a ****ing tragedy. My daughter takes the worst punishment because of WW's...sickness or whatever it is. As of right now we are heading for D. Still dunno what sensei says...[/quote']

 

Sorry NH. It sucks!!

 

Seems she would rather continue to damage YOU AND DD.

 

I don't think she has a sickness, I think she is just selfish and self-centered.

 

Doesn't really matter what sensei says. It matters what you say!!

[whichwayisup]

Just got back from MC. Yeah she wasn't there to work things out' date=' just like last time we had a session like that. It's over. She'd rather practice slicing people in half than have an intact family. She'd rather continue to damage OM and OMW's M. Just unbelievable. I can't even begin to understand her. Such a ****ing tragedy. My daughter takes the worst punishment because of WW's...sickness or whatever it is. As of right now we are heading for D. Still dunno what sensei says...[/quote']

 

It is a sickness, but an unfixable one. Narcissists cannot be fixed! Well, unless they want to work on themselves and become a better person.

 

Your wife emotionally detached from you a while ago. she may still love you and all but her needs and desires come first above you and your daughter. It's a shame she's throwing away this life..All for what?

 

I suggest you email the sensei again, and/or ask to see him. To not hear a word back from him is kind of odd? One would expect a reply or some form of acknowledgement after sending an email about your wife.

 

I'm surprised she didn't show up with you to MC. Not shocked but still slightly surprised. Has she said WHY she didn't attend with you? Since she didn't go, where was she?

[Ninja'sHusband]

It is a sickness, but an unfixable one. Narcissists cannot be fixed! Well, unless they want to work on themselves and become a better person.

 

Your wife emotionally detached from you a while ago. she may still love you and all but her needs and desires come first above you and your daughter. It's a shame she's throwing away this life..All for what?

 

I suggest you email the sensei again, and/or ask to see him. To not hear a word back from him is kind of odd? One would expect a reply or some form of acknowledgement after sending an email about your wife.

 

I'm surprised she didn't show up with you to MC. Not shocked but still slightly surprised. Has she said WHY she didn't attend with you? Since she didn't go, where was she?

No she was at MC, it was just to tell me that we are Ding and to start to talk about what to say to DD. Fine, we are Ding. I read her a letter I had written last night. Then I read her the letter I wrote to DD (she hadn't read the email). We talked about where to live, etc etc. I just emailed the mediator I picked out. Next I should divert my salary to the new bank account...

 

Oh and I wasn't expecting a response from sensei. He's a really quiet guy...and not very good with English to be honest.

[whichwayisup]

Do family counselling with your daughter, and tell your wife she MUST attend those sessions. This will help with the adjustment and also make sure that your daughter can cope with all this. Life is going to be hard for her.

 

Sorry this all happened, you did your best to try to save your family and keep them under one roof. Your wife dropped the ball on this. BIG TIME.