Defense Mechanisms

[marqueemoon4]

So after picking up my son last night, seeing exW in full preg form and being treated like I was invisible yet again, I feel pretty stupid for even wasting the time and keystrokes to write my long post from yesterday. This girl is never going to change, she will never give me my due, will never appreciate what I did for her, and will never see how incredibly f-ed up her actions have been the last year or so. Its a lost cause to ever get her to see these things. The ONLY way she will ever have to look inward is if she gets totally destroyed and betrayed. This will probably never happen either.

 

I wonder why when I was with her I was so confident I deserved someone better and thought it would be easy to find. Instead of feeling free and being happy that my future is wide open I can't stop suffering over the past and the way everything is right now. My emotions and finances are so messed up I'm scared another woman won't take a chance with me, and if she does it'll be purely selfish like the exW. Sometimes I totally feel like giving up.

[worldgonewrong]

I understand completely how you feel (even if our situations are not mirror copies exactly). It's hard to wrap your mind around the fact that you're viewing the 'shell' of the woman you once knew & loved. The sense of isolation, rejection, and ABANDONMENT - being kicked to the curb, the security-net of family ripped out from under you - it's painful as hell.

 

But you have an inner strength, man. You're an intelligent, talented, good-looking fellow, and soulful. Some woman down the line will appreciate that.

 

The past is illusory. You can't contain it. You can't put it in the palm of your hand and say "ah, here it is". Even in GOOD times, the past is illusory. And what hurts is her complete rejection and nullification of the past. You're (as I do) looking for redemption from the one person who just won't ever give it to you. Redeem yourself first and the rest starts to slowly, very painstakingly slowly (through grief), rebuild in a new way.

[marqueemoon4]

So much of it comes down to VALIDATION. Before I met her I didn't need it from anyone. She came in needing tons of it. I dispensed it to her over and over and over.. for years!

 

"No you're not fat"

"I LIKE your nose"

"nooo your forehead isn't too big"

"well I think you're beautiful"

 

It was SO MUCH WORK trying to build up this person with terrible self esteem. Blamed it all on her exBF. I'm sure she says to OM that her self esteem was great before she met me but I destroyed it. Please. I'm sure she is doing the exact thing with him.. he doesn't know what he has unwittingly signed up for. And when you're giving and giving and giving and get nothing in return, you start building major resentment. I don't think my exW gave me a sincere compliment once the 2.5yrs we were married. Not one. Then I'd feel like I had to point out good things I did.. and she would begrudgingly validate it but it wasn't natural, it was forced. AND whatever positive things I told her, that were totally sincere were rebuffed. Then she projects on me that people only compliment others when they want something (like sex). This is crazy making.

 

Daddy issues and low self esteem? RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNN

Edited March 2, 2012 by marqueemoon4

[worldgonewrong]

Women like that are parasitic, and I don't say that in a snarky way.

They siphon emotions & loyalty from you, and when they perceive you have nothing left to give OR that you're being depleted, they say 'eff you' and jump onto a new host.

And then they have the audacity to say you didn't 'measure up'.

[marqueemoon4]

Women like that are parasitic, and I don't say that in a snarky way.

They siphon emotions & loyalty from you, and when they perceive you have nothing left to give OR that you're being depleted, they say 'eff you' and jump onto a new host.

And then they have the audacity to say you didn't 'measure up'.

 

Well her excuse was that she "had nothing left to give me" and that I pushed her away. Nothing left to give me? You gave nothing to me. You gave everything to our son and your stupid job. Ugh.

 

Worst.decision.ever.

[worldgonewrong]

Well her excuse was that she "had nothing left to give me" and that I pushed her away.

 

Classic.

 

Normal people step away for a bit and readjust, re-think, and then communicate again. They don't f_cking nuke a marriage & a family.

 

(Invariably, someone will come along and say, "Well, gee, maybe she really didn't have anything left to give. Sometimes they've been pushed that hard."

And to people who say that - I point to my parents who have been married 40+ years, who weathered the good & the bad, who didn't abandon their children, didn't abandon their family when the going got tough. Commitment requires selflessness, and yes, sometimes the balance is out-of-whack, but true love means reshaping the balance, fighting for the balance.

So much of our culture is based around immediate gratification -- the idea that if you're not getting something immediately, then the world around you is deficient - rather than staring honestly, nakedly, at one's own deficiencies and realizing one's own responsibility. /soapbox)

[marqueemoon4]

It dawned on me this morning.. its now March 2012. My exW left in May 2010.. we're coming up on 2yrs now. It still hurts.

[worldgonewrong]

It dawned on me this morning.. its now March 2012. My exW left in May 2010.. we're coming up on 2yrs now. It still hurts.

 

Of course it does. That's natural.

You two brought a child into this world. If it didn't hurt, you wouldn't be normal.

[marqueemoon4]

Of course it does. That's natural.

You two brought a child into this world. If it didn't hurt, you wouldn't be normal.

 

true.. well it doesn't hurt her apparently. (psst.. she's not normal)

 

to add to the fun.. last friday.. it was my week where I pick him up at 6pm thursday, he stays over, I take him to preschool at 8:45am, and I goto work all day. One of his teachers who has a son his age in the same class takes him to her apartment after school and she takes care of him until 5:30pm or so when I pick him up (this is a HUGE help, obv). So, I pick him up, at 5:30 and we're both really happy to see each other, and we have to meet his mother straight away at 6pm.

 

when we start getting close to the dropoff spot he asks if he is staying with me for a long time. I tell him "sorry buddy you're going to see your mommy tonite, I'll see you soon though". He tells me he wants to stay with me for a long time. I tell him I want him to as well but to have fun with his mommy.

 

we get to the spot, his mom is already there. I get out of the car to give her his bookbag etc. he unbuckles himself and starts bawling. she is out of her car, I walk around and open the door next to his car seat. I say "c'mon buddy lets go" and put my hand out to help him out of the car. he starts screaming and crawls out of his seat, and hides in the corner of the backseat yelling that he doesn't want to go and he wants to stay with me all the time. his mom is a foot behind me with her arms crossed looking mad. I say buddy I'll see you soon c'mon your mommy misses you. he yells "I DON'T LIKE MY MOMMY.. I LIKE YOU!!" I say thats not a nice thing to say and am still trying to get him to come out of the car. she then tries luring him out by saying "come here I need to talk to you".. that doesn't work. he's still crying and saying things like he doesn't want to go and he doesn't like her.

 

finally after 5minutes or so of this, I have to take the booster out and go in and get him out of the car. he screams so loud, and I carry him as gently as possible to her car and put him in her car seat. before I can buckle it he wiggles free and hides in the corner of her car. again I try to get him to come to me so I can buckle him in, but he's not having it. she yells at me saying "I'LL TAKE IT FROM HERE!!" So I don't say anything and walk back to my car. When I get to my car (5 feet away) I stop to see through the window he's back up against if she can get him. She sticks her head out and and yells "JUST GO YOU'RE MAKING THINGS WORSE!"

 

I don't say a word and get in my car and leave. Last I've heard anything. Yea, great start to the weekend. I wonder if my son is already starting to resent her. I worry that he thinks I have some sort of say in this matter and I want to give him to her each time which obviously I don't.

 

what a nightmare. I didn't even want to ask if he was ok later, cause I know her response would be to downplay it completely and say oh he was fine 5 minutes later. and I'm sure in her twisted mind this is all my fault. whatever.

Edited March 5, 2012 by marqueemoon4

[brokenTom]

what a nightmare.

That is really, really, awful to hear. Really heart breaking. Hang in there, it sounds like you are doing everything you can and you love your son.

[marqueemoon4]

That is really, really, awful to hear. Really heart breaking. Hang in there, it sounds like you are doing everything you can and you love your son.

 

You know, I really am doing everything I can in this sh*t situation.. and kids are smart. He's only 5 but I know he can feel how much I care for and love him. Honestly I think he has been put on the backburner from his moms perspective because of her being preg with this OMs daughter. It has to be hard for my son, but I can only do so much. All of this is her doing.

[worldgonewrong]

All of this is her doing.

 

yeah, and then ironically, she STILL somehow resents you for the situation she created. (Hence her, "Just go, I can take it from here" comments.)

 

My wife is the same way. She can't own ANY problem that she's created.

[marqueemoon4]

yeah, and then ironically, she STILL somehow resents you for the situation she created. (Hence her, "Just go, I can take it from here" comments.)

 

My wife is the same way. She can't own ANY problem that she's created.

 

I blame it on poor parenting and coming from a broken, dysfunctional home.

[marqueemoon4]

For some God unknown reason I feel the urge to say something to her today. Please, someone slap the you know what out of me? Thanks in advance.

[worldgonewrong]

For some God unknown reason I feel the urge to say something to her today. Please, someone slap the you know what out of me? Thanks in advance.

 

Don't.

 

Do not.

 

You will HATE yourself in the aftermath because she will dish out the same old expected b.s. It can only undermine the little strides you've made.

[marqueemoon4]

Yep. She's a robot. There is no getting through to her.

 

This is like our own little convo thread huh wgw?

[worldgonewrong]

This is like our own little convo thread huh wgw?

 

hahaha!

[tgr172]

I found out the hard way that my ex wife's "defense mechanisms" are as follows:

 

-silent treatment

 

-cheating

 

-lying

 

-blame shifting

 

-cutting all contact and never looking back

 

-complete lack of empathy/caring

 

-immediately jumping into another serious relationship to avoid being alone

 

-totally rewriting history to assuage guilt

 

QUOTE]

 

You nailed it! It is SOOOO hurtful! To go from What I thought was love for me to being almost nothing? Some contact but very cool and formal. Doesent it make you feel like you are lower than dirt?

 

In my case Her ex husband is who she ran to... well they were flirting before the breakup but this guy screwed around on her. Put her and the family through hell over his affair for years. Then he gets divorced from the woman he left her for and everyone runs to him including her to help him through his sadness? She just flipped the switch and I dont exist after a 5yr relationship... almost like I turn her stomach. Saw him and her out ... did the right thing and said hi and tried to ease the tention for her sake. Her reply to someone about that awkward situation was "well he was friendly and seeing him was PALATABLE". PALATABLE? I treated her like a queen and the best she can think of me as PALATABLE? And after what he did, he is great?!!! F***ing REALLY?

 

It is a delema to me how someone can totally turn the switch like that. I am glad that you i'd all those Mechanisms. She is doing every single one. And I envy her being able to block it out. And the blame shifting and half truiths make it worse because not only are you dealing with the pain she is inflicting on you but you are the subject of the problem and she gets support from her friends and family to do what she is doing... she gets validated! Lose Lose for me. Double hurt!!!!

Edited March 9, 2012 by tgr172

[marqueemoon4]

yep. it all comes down to validation.. if support group says its ok, you're doing the right thing no matter how f-ed up it is, then what can you do? unfortunately my exW's support group is comprised of selfish, ignorant people who never much cared for me and vice versa. I'm sure new guy sucks up to them and acts like he likes them, and that right there puts him light years ahead of me. whatever, he can have her and all the garbage that comes with her. she's soooo not worth it.

 

its funny friends who know what she has done/is doing keep telling me there is no way this r/l is gonna last, and she's gonna end up back in her parents basement with a son and daughter from two diff baby daddys. I dunno.. that would be fitting, but this girl excels in manipulating people into feeling bad for her and playing on their weaknesses. She is the definition of "toxic".

Edited March 9, 2012 by marqueemoon4

[tgr172]

It's funny you keyed in on validation. There was one period where the support group told her to not go to him and she didn't at least in appearance but he became someone she reconciled with and now could get past what he did and now was a friend. See the pragmatism she surrounded herself in. She was applauded for being a bigger person. Validated! But I was much closer to the situation and I saw what he was working on under the disguise of a friend. Told her about it and finally had to give her a piece of my mind over her letting him in like that and it was undermining us. Of course that was the key for her to make ME out to be angry and unstable!!! POW! he is sitting in the catbird seat. And her friends think he is only just a good friend to her. They don't know the intensity of their relationship. And she is throwing herself at him.... but they don't really know it and if they even did it's because of what I did and its ok. See the brilliant manipulation of those people who she wants validation from. Now she has made me out as some sort of problem that she has to deal with and gets more validation. And suddenly it turns toward me.

 

Lay on top of that the turning of the switch and I am nobody. Of course she does the "he's a great guy" "wish him well" BS. I don't know how to operate in that game and am totally outclassed. If I try to explain I get rolled in on as being bitter and psychotic! Hell I just love. And am loyal to that person. Like Someone else said, got it from my parents and it's how I was raised.

 

All those mechanisms mentioned are synergistic and are there as part of a whole guilt free healing coping strategy. Again maybe it's better to be them. Look at all the 'You need to NC and move on" advice given out on this forum. Well what we are talking about are people who can do just that. Move on, not look back, no emotional distress and get the validation that it is the right thing... no guilt or heartache. Cold as hell but maybe they are the survivors not us.

[worldgonewrong]

Cold as hell but maybe they are the survivors not us.

 

tgr172 - great post!

I would say that it depends on what one's definition of survival is.

If WAW's require false validation & hollow ego strokes to keep surviving, then that's their thing.

Meanwhile, we require loyalty & truth to survive.

It's just like different animals that have distinct, separate diets.

Maybe I'm oversimplifying, but you get the point.

[tgr172]

Yea I do get your point. And by all self help and recovery doctrine we are normal. But I really really am starting to doubt the practicality of that advice. Although its too late for me to change. Heal, use the time to improve yourself, use it as a learning experience... blah blah blah! But most get profoundly affected, takes years of their life just to not even think about it and even more to feel safe even (repeat even) if they happen to find someone who comes close. All that because we are "normal"!

 

I mean I looked at her after only one week and she had not only moved on as simply as changing a TV channel but was happy and at ease. Life is good. Only problem was how to not run into me and how to ease her (our) friends into her world. Again days before she was sooo attentive to me, talking about our future. See my point. Right now I would exchange all my heartache and pain to NOT be normal. To change the channel and have those coping mechanisms that started this post rather than looking down that long recovery tunnel at a small sliver of light and praying it's not the headlight of a speeding train.

 

I think Darwinian survival is in their favor.

[tgr172]

Also I forgot to mention that the analysis on the origional post was excellent. It put all those feelings and fuzze thoughts into a concise set of bullets.

[marqueemoon4]

Also I forgot to mention that the analysis on the origional post was excellent. It put all those feelings and fuzze thoughts into a concise set of bullets.

 

thanks.. I'm gonna add another one:

 

- compares me to new guy and acts like I never did anything for her and my son and this guy is perfect. You've known him what? 14/15mos? We were together for 8yrs.

 

 

Also, i just got an email from her talking about kindergarten in the fall. It mentions all day kindergarten from the same private place he is doing preschool now. The county we live in I believe kindergarten is only half day.. but for this private all day preschool its $540/mo. I pay her $750/mo for CS.. so if thats what she wants to spend it on, fine by me. Short of a court order there isn't a snowballs chance in hell I'm giving her a nickle more for CS though.

[worldgonewrong]

sigh. just another ex who thinks the world owes her everything.