Defense Mechanisms

[rootless]

Yea I do get your point. And by all self help and recovery doctrine we are normal. But I really really am starting to doubt the practicality of that advice. Although its too late for me to change. Heal, use the time to improve yourself, use it as a learning experience... blah blah blah! But most get profoundly affected, takes years of their life just to not even think about it and even more to feel safe even (repeat even) if they happen to find someone who comes close. All that because we are "normal"!

 

I mean I looked at her after only one week and she had not only moved on as simply as changing a TV channel but was happy and at ease. Life is good. Only problem was how to not run into me and how to ease her (our) friends into her world. Again days before she was sooo attentive to me, talking about our future. See my point. Right now I would exchange all my heartache and pain to NOT be normal. To change the channel and have those coping mechanisms that started this post rather than looking down that long recovery tunnel at a small sliver of light and praying it's not the headlight of a speeding train.

 

I think Darwinian survival is in their favor.

 

Oh man... this hit me like a ton of bricks.

 

I'm very much in the same boat.

 

I find myself perversely wishing that I was delusional and detached.

I would *happily* accept that kind of dysfunction for a little while, if it meant I wouldn't be in this much pain.

 

It's sick, but I often find myself feeling extremely envious of those who have that screwy ability to minimize and dismiss anything and everything that's remotely meaningful or profound.

 

I know, ultimately, I don't want to live my life that way -- but I can't tell you how often I've wished that I had been hard-wired to be more distant and superficial.

 

I know that being a deep, compassionate person is going to serve me better in the end -- but for right now, it absolutely sucks.

[marqueemoon4]

I'm exactly the same way. I can't fool myself, my internals won't let me. Thats why I continue to suffer.

[marqueemoon4]

Also, i just got an email from her talking about kindergarten in the fall. It mentions all day kindergarten from the same private place he is doing preschool now. The county we live in I believe kindergarten is only half day.. but for this private all day preschool its $540/mo. I pay her $750/mo for CS.. so if thats what she wants to spend it on, fine by me. Short of a court order there isn't a snowballs chance in hell I'm giving her a nickle more for CS though.

 

And for the record I decided to respond with "what are your thoughts" on the kindergarten thing.

 

her response:

 

"I go back and forth with it. It's a good school and he loves it there plus full day would be great. However the public schools around here are very good as well and don't cost $500 a month"

 

 

I have no idea where to go from here.. I mean if I say oh I'm cool with what you decide and it costs me a bunch more CS.. that would not be good as I'm already struggling really bad financially. Sigh. This is all her doing.

[dreamingoftigers]

I'm exactly the same way. I can't fool myself, my internals won't let me. Thats why I continue to suffer.

 

Thirded....

[marqueemoon4]

I had to have my dog put to sleep today. She was 12.

[worldgonewrong]

I had to have my dog put to sleep today. She was 12.

 

I'm so, so sorry, brother.

[marqueemoon4]

my list of beliefs/rationalizations used frequently on this board that are complete BS:

 

1. everything happens for a reason

2. GIGS

3. karma exists

4. that any relationship is "meant" to be

5. that focusing on yourself somehow fixes your life being destroyed by another person

6. nothing that happens in the past matters

7. time heals all

8. when in doubt, divorce

9. your happiness always comes first, no matter how much you F over other people that stuck being involved with you

 

 

that should do for now.

[rootless]

I hear where you're coming from.

It's insanely frustrating when it seems like everyone has a platitude and a cliche, and very few real solutions.

 

But I do think there's a lot of validity to some of those things.

 

Hear me out...

 

1. everything happens for a reason --

This one drives me up the wall too.

Yes. Things happen for a reason. One of two, actually.

 

a.) somebody made a choice, and acted on it.

b.) sheer randomness.

 

In either case, there's consequences, good and bad.

But it makes me a crazy person when people minimize sh*tty behavior by erroneously chalking it up to bad luck, or fate, or whatever.

OWN your bullsh*t, please.

Just be accountable!

 

There's not a whole lot I won't forgive, if I know the other person has taken responsibility and recognizes they made a mistake.

And if they make an effort to repair that mistake, well, that person has my respect for life.

 

It's okay to screw up.

We all do it.

But at least make *some* effort to clean up your mess.

 

 

2. GIGS

That one, I gotta disagree with you on.

In almost every aspect of life-- romance, finances, whatever -- people have a bad habit of idealizing the unknown alternative, myself included.

 

I wouldn't go as far as saying that familiarity always breeds contempt, but as human beings, it's natural for us to crave novelty.

In relationships, it's our responsibility to be aware of it, and fight it, but it's SO, SO easy to take things for granted once you're comfortable with them.

We're born explorers -- we NEED new experiences to grow.

The trick is finding a way to grow *within* an existing relationship.

 

Some people can hack it.

Some can't.

 

 

3. karma exists

I *want* to believe in Karma -- it's an unbelievably comforting concept -- but I'm skeptical.

I see FAR too many crappy things happen to good people.

I also see far too many douche-bags skate through life smelling like a rose.

Life isn't always fair.

It stinks, but we all gotta deal with it.

 

 

4. that any relationship is "meant" to be

I believe in this to a certain extent.

But I'd phrase it differently.

It works, or it doesn't.

People work to maintain it, or they don't.

Fate has nothing to do with it.

 

 

5. that focusing on yourself somehow fixes your life being destroyed by another person

I disagree with you 1000% on this one.

Someone can make life difficult for you.

Someone can cause you a hideous, unspeakable amount of pain.

Someone can wrong you profoundly, in ways that defy all explanation.

But they can't "destroy" your life.

 

At a certain point, you have to be responsible for your own happiness.

 

You can be a victim of cruelty and injustice, without allowing it to define you completely.

 

It's a HARD pill to swallow -- but in the end, no matter how much horrendous crap you have to endure, how you react to it is ALWAYS your choice. ALWAYS.

 

It's the only power any of us really have in life: how we respond to the circumstances we're given.

 

Give that up, and you've got nuthin'.

 

 

6. nothing that happens in the past matters

Total, unmitigated bullsh*t.

EVERYTHING that happens in the past matters.

All we are is the sum of our experiences.

Every event we go through in life is formative, one way or the other.

But again -- it's how we react that has the final say in our identity.

 

The past just provides information and evidence.

What conclusions we draw, and how we implement that information is entirely up to us.

 

It's so easy to fork over responsiblity to the past: "I can't be happy, 'cuase all this bad stuff happened to me...."

I do it all the time.

 

But it's a total f**king cop out.

 

I fall prey to it myself, but it's honestly the truth.

 

You can be in charge of your life, or you can let it be in charge of you.

 

It's one cliche that I think is 100% unassailable truth.

 

 

7. time heals all

Time *helps* heal all.

It can only take you so far.

Wisdom, compassion, and a metric butt-load of hard work have to do the rest.

 

 

8. when in doubt, divorce

I totally agree.

Relationships, particularly marriage, shouldn't be viewed as being so disposable.

 

 

9. your happiness always comes first, no matter how much you F over other people that stuck being involved with you

Completely agree.

We don't live on this planet by ourselves.

Only complete sociopaths go through life unconcerned about the ramifications of their actions.

As a member of the human race, I think it's an absolute moral obligation to treat people with decency and compassion.

If you don't, you're just an a**hole.

[marqueemoon4]

^^phenomenal post^^

[rootless]

^^phenomenal post^^

 

 

Thanks, buddy.

 

It'd be awesome if we could learn life's lessons without getting thrown in the wood chipper, but sometimes, that's how it goes, right?

 

I know what you're going through.

 

Just keep doing the right thing by yourself and your son.

 

You've got this.

[marqueemoon4]

I'd like to be positive about the future, but everything I've seen/suffered through the last few years makes it very hard to be optimistic. I basically hate the life that has been forced on me, and don't see anything that is going to make it any better.

[rootless]

I'd like to be positive about the future, but everything I've seen/suffered through the last few years makes it very hard to be optimistic. I basically hate the life that has been forced on me, and don't see anything that is going to make it any better.

 

Oh, man.

That is a rough, ugly spiral to be caught in.

 

I've been swallowed up in that feeling a couple times, and it's HORRIBLE.

To be totally honest, I'm hanging on with my fingernails, trying not to get caught in the undertow myself.

 

I totally understand -- once you've been kicked around enough, the feeling of futility starts to set in like mold, and it just rots everything it touches.

 

Believe me -- that horrible feeling of oppressive dread and hopelessness is something I'm painfully familiar with.

 

And the most insidious thing about it is that it's self-perpetuating.

The more you fixate on it, the deeper it sets in, and the deeper it sets in, the more you fixate on it.

 

It's a feedback loop.

A pattern.

 

The only way to fight it is to do something-- anything -- to disrupt it.

 

Depression is a disease, and it grows best in the dark, unobserved.

And if left unchecked, it *will* consume you.

 

You need to break up your routine.

Like, NOW.

 

When you start to lapse into obsessing about your wife, stop IMMEDIATELY, and do something completely unrelated to her.

 

It doesn't matter how inane or trivial, or how stupid you feel doing it, initially. It just needs to be DIFFERENT and BENEFICIAL.

 

Start small.

 

Just identify ONE thing you can do per day that makes your life better, and FORCE yourself to do it.

 

Do 10 pushups.

Take a tutorial, or read a book related to your job.

Scoop up your kid and go fly a kite in the park.

Take a quick road-trip to see some dumbass tourist attraction you've never visited.

Clean the living room.

 

Doesn't matter what it is.

 

Just BREAK the routine.

And break it doing something that leaves you, or your immediate environment in better condition than before you started.

 

As ridiculous as it sounds, eventually those things start to add up.

 

Incrementally, they'll accumulate into real change.

 

It happens agonizingly slowly at first, but it DOES add up.

 

Then, keep adding to them, little by little.

 

In my case, I went out and bought a cheap little DSLR camera.

 

I started just snapping one or two photos a day.

And they were horrible.

 

Eventually, I went out and started shooting stupid home movies with it.

They were also horrible.

 

But I kept doing it.

And six months later, I got good enough at it that I've been able to add it as a service to my graphic design business, and now I'm making a couple grand every time I shoot a little promo video.

 

At first, it was just redirecting energy away from obsessing about my ex, but now it's a real passion. Something I really love, and find incredibly rewarding.

 

And I know if I keep it up, along with some therapy, and making a stronger effort to strengthen my relationships with my friends, I'm not too far away from having the confidence and inner-happiness to meet a new woman.

 

A woman who understands me infinitely better than my ex.

A woman 100 x as supportive.

Who's funnier.

Smarter.

More secure.

 

And I'm going to have an indecent amount of sex with that woman.

 

I KNOW it.

 

And I KNOW the same thing is possible for you.

 

You obviously have a lot to offer, or you wouldn't have found a relationship that resulted in something as fantastic as your son.

 

All you need to do is to let that part of you resurface.

 

It's still there.

You're still an amazing guy.

 

It's just covered under a layer of pain and self-doubt.

 

All you need to do is to start chiseling it away, piece by piece.

[LSgirl]

I loved this thread. Even though it doesn't resonate with my situation that brought me to LoveShack, it makes me think how my ex-bf may have felt. He was also abandoned by his ex-fiancee of 8 years for someone else. His ex is still with the person she left him for. We only met a few months after, but I saw all the demons that he had still inside from it. Very dark days, too many times as if he enjoyed embracing the hurt. I've never seen someone in so much pain. Especially when he heavily drank, said he'd never let anyone in to change his whole life around again (so that's where it left me, unloved with his wall up). She cheated, lied, betrayed everything they stood and had plans for. They still keep in contact, I guess she's having problems with the new person, but I couldn't care any less, not my problem, and I had to suffer watching him suffer from a past relationship. I know better to see red flags now in my next one. But thank you guys for posting all of this, a lot of great wisdom, I also don't believe in karma either, although I wish I did!

[marqueemoon4]

Thanks for the thoughtful response.. as someone mentioned before your writing style is excellent and your advice is spot on.

 

I'm so incredibly angry at this point.. that I could leave myself vulnerable to getting destroyed like I have. I don't know know how to explain it, but I'm just over everything. I haven't enjoyed a second of happiness or comfort for almost 2 years. I'll never be able to trust a woman again. There is no recourse, honestly I'd rather been stabbed repeatedly than go through this. Physical pain is easy.

 

I had a lady friend over last night and we hooked up. Even that wasn't remotely enjoyable. All I could think of the whole time was my ex. When you can't even enjoy a bj you know you're in trouble.

Edited March 14, 2012 by marqueemoon4

[rootless]

Have you thought about getting some help?

Therapy?

Counselor?

Life-coach, whatever?

 

'Cause if you haven't derived joy from anything in 2 years, it's time to call in for backup, dude.

 

There's a threshold where you just have to level with yourself, and accept that what you're doing isn't working.

 

I bit the bullet and dragged my ass into a therapist's office last February, and it's easily the smartest decision I've ever made in my life. Ever.

 

If it snaps you out of what sounds like serious, clinical depression, it'll be the best money you've ever spent. No investment you'll ever make will have a greater return.

 

I know cash is an issue, but I can say first-hand that there are therapists out there who will work with you-- either staggering payment, or using a sliding scale.

 

I lucked out and found an amazing woman who has gone miles out of her to way to help me out.

 

Because I'm motivated as f**k and genuinely want to get better, and that's refreshing for her. And I'd imagine many in that profession would have similar attitudes.

 

I'd really, really consider giving it some hard thought.

 

You can't live your life in agony, man.

[marqueemoon4]

I've been to 2 therapists.. it just made **** worse.

[rootless]

I've been to 2 therapists.. it just made **** worse.

 

Were the therapists just a bad fit for you, or was it the process itself?

 

Cuz here's an answer you're not gonna like -- a lot of time, in counseling, making you feel worse means it starting to work.

It often gets sh*ttier before it gets better.

 

Confronting pain head-on isn't supposed to feel good.

 

But you need to do it to get past it.

[marqueemoon4]

I forgot a few:

 

*Rebounds never work out. My ex will somehow prove this to be untrue

 

*That people who cheat/lie/screw other people over in a r/l to end it will suffer the same fate at someone elses hands in the future. I guess that kinda goes along with karma, but still. That rarely happens.

[rootless]

I forgot a few:

 

*Rebounds never work out. My ex will somehow prove this to be untrue

 

*That people who cheat/lie/screw other people over in a r/l to end it will suffer the same fate at someone elses hands in the future. I guess that kinda goes along with karma, but still. That rarely happens.

 

 

Rebounds-- flip that on it's head. There's nothing that says you're prevented from doing the same. There's NO reason you can't find another relationship that can grow into a deep, meaningful, lasting love.

 

It's just going to take you a little longer than your ex.

You're actually confronting your grief, not deflecting it immediately with something new.

By facing the pain, experiencing the loss fully, and eventually accepting it, you're going to bring a level of depth, wisdom and appreciation that will never be present in her life.

Not until she takes the same journey you are... and it sounds like she just doesn't have that in her.

It's too hard.

 

She's building her foundation with spackle and scotch tape.

You're building yours with bricks and mortar.

 

You really should stop comparing, altogether, but if you do, you WIL come out ahead, long-term. Regardless if her thing lasts, or not, it's likely to be limited. An inch deep and a mile wide... I suspect you want more than that.

 

I know how tempting it is to long for the quick fix, but you'd never be truly happy in a situation like that. You'd feel less sh*tty, but you wouldn't be fulfilled on the level you ultimately want to be.

You need to find someone who's your equal, your peer.

And those are rare.

You'll find her-- but it'll take a little longer.

You're shopping for diamonds.

Not cubit zirconia.

It requires a bigger investment.

 

As for Karma-- I'll tell you a story later.

I was an idiot once in my 20s and it bit me in the ass.

Big time.

I got paid back, 20-fold.

Like I said earlier, I don't accept Karma as a general truth, but it does happen.

Edited March 15, 2012 by rootless

[rootless]

I forgot a few:

 

*Rebounds never work out. My ex will somehow prove this to be untrue

 

*That people who cheat/lie/screw other people over in a r/l to end it will suffer the same fate at someone elses hands in the future. I guess that kinda goes along with karma, but still. That rarely happens.

 

Oh-- and by the way..... STOP OBSESSING!

(I'm saying this to both of us)

[jaymz]

I forgot a few:

 

*Rebounds never work out. My ex will somehow prove this to be untrue

 

Her relationship may not be a rebound if she had already checked out a while ago... same for me bro

 

*That people who cheat/lie/screw other people over in a r/l to end it will suffer the same fate at someone elses hands in the future. I guess that kinda goes along with karma, but still. That rarely happens.

 

Is karma. Who knows if its true or not, trick is not to focus on her and instead focus on yourself. Then who cares if she gets hit by the karma train or not..

[jaymz]

Did you list punishment?

 

Because I dare ask the STBXW to stop blatantly lying to the kids, she is now "punishing" me by going to kids parents evening separately... I just don't understand the logic, it makes her look worse to the school and everyone else but I guess she has already told them how "unreasonable" I am and she "cannot stand to be anywhere near me" etc...

 

Just grow up!

[jaymz]

Oh-- and by the way..... STOP OBSESSING!

(I'm saying this to both of us)

 

Yep. Letting go is the hardest thing to do but its the only way to truly heal and move on. Easier said than done! Keep feeling I am being dragged back all the time.

[marqueemoon4]

Her relationship may not be a rebound if she had already checked out a while ago... same for me bro

 

 

 

Is karma. Who knows if its true or not, trick is not to focus on her and instead focus on yourself. Then who cares if she gets hit by the karma train or not..

 

I'll always care if she gets what she has coming, if for nothing else because of our son.

[worldgonewrong]

I had a lady friend over last night and we hooked up. Even that wasn't remotely enjoyable. All I could think of the whole time was my ex. When you can't even enjoy a bj you know you're in trouble.

 

Dude, you know I love you, but you have to enjoy life now.

Have to.

Your ex had relations elsewhere, and as painful as this is to say, she was damn well NOT thinking of you then.

So, that said, do NOT think of her. You have a lady friend worshiping you, in the moment; you are this lady friend's sole focus right then and there, adoring you. Enjoy. It's life, it's new-ness. Can't. stop. saying. "lady friend".