Defense Mechanisms

[marqueemoon4]

Yea wgw im trying.. and it was just sex, see no future with this person at all.

 

i just setup an appt to see yet another therapist this saturday. I hope it helps.

[Exit]

Marquee just chiming in to say I'm still stuck in a similar rut. You're not alone. I know how it feels to be "over" everything when you haven't experienced success or happiness in a long time. I'm thinking about not continuing with my current therapist as it isn't helping me much either, and I don't think I'll bother trying another one. There's nothing anyone can say to make me feel better until I am ready to feel better.

[dreamingoftigers]

Thanks for the thoughtful response.. as someone mentioned before your writing style is excellent and your advice is spot on.

 

I'm so incredibly angry at this point.. that I could leave myself vulnerable to getting destroyed like I have. I don't know know how to explain it, but I'm just over everything. I haven't enjoyed a second of happiness or comfort for almost 2 years. I'll never be able to trust a woman again. There is no recourse, honestly I'd rather been stabbed repeatedly than go through this. Physical pain is easy.

 

I had a lady friend over last night and we hooked up. Even that wasn't remotely enjoyable. All I could think of the whole time was my ex. When you can't even enjoy a bj you know you're in trouble.

 

I've said it before, I'll say it again: EMDR

[worldgonewrong]

Yea wgw im trying.. and it was just sex, see no future with this person at all.

 

i just setup an appt to see yet another therapist this saturday. I hope it helps.

 

You've got a good soul, brother. Therapy's good. I went yesterday.

[marqueemoon4]

Marquee just chiming in to say I'm still stuck in a similar rut. You're not alone. I know how it feels to be "over" everything when you haven't experienced success or happiness in a long time. I'm thinking about not continuing with my current therapist as it isn't helping me much either, and I don't think I'll bother trying another one. There's nothing anyone can say to make me feel better until I am ready to feel better.

 

Its a really hard thing to get yourself out of. Its made me extremely gun shy and negative about most things. I expect the worst in everything. Even though I look/dress the best I have in years, I still feel like I'm seriously lacking confidence in most things where it was never an issue before. I'm still so shocked that I'm divorced and a financial mess because I procreated with and married a treacherous, immature, selfish woman. Nothing has caused so much devastation in my existence. Where I should be happy I'm free of a vile human being like her, I'm not thinking rationally and am in an infinite loop of sadness and anger. I seriously talk to myself alot because I'm still so emotionally crippled and in disbelief someone I cared for so long can treat her sons father so poorly. I have to get over it somehow, as do you. Best of luck man.

[Majkl]

That letter was a-z me, + - some things.

 

The pain you feel... again a-z me. The loss of a family ideal... I feel you.

 

Is it unfair that when you were willing to change and do anything she wouldnt have it? Yes.

 

Will you break over and over? Yes.

 

As long as you are unable to forgive yourself and understand that you were incompatible with this woman you will keep running these circles.

 

No matter what you have done and vice versa, had there been ''true love'' and some emotional maturity, she would've seen and accepted your changes for the sake of your family and benefit of the doubt.

 

I am sorry I dont think she ever ''truly loved'' you.

 

I know it's not of any comfort but... I am in the same shoes... and she's also moved on and gone out of my life and I have to re-arrange my whole life just to be able to spend time with my child, not to mention financial aspect... bottom line is that it is finished and no matter how much pain, grief or anger you feel it wont make any better but keep you tied down in this limbo.

 

Your story and mine and our personalities are very alike.

You are not alone.

 

We will get through this.

 

Make friends and keep busy, it's the only way. Keep working on yourself and dont give up... They're gone but at least we have our kids and we can still teach them some pretty important things in life.

 

I havent posted in a looooong time but since I feel you and I are quite similar personality wise and the way you describe yourself I just wanted to offer a ''I feel your pain brother'' kind a comfort or whatever...

 

I also wished I had the strength Debtman and some others here had, but I didnt and I dont however I learn and try not to repeat same mistakes over and over, it does help. Good luck... brother.

[Sugarkane]

Marqueemoon so much of what you say, I've also thought about alot! You mentioned maybe that they were the survivors, but remember that's easier for them- they don't improve themselves and they have some warm body to sleep with.

[rootless]

Marqueemoon so much of what you say, I've also thought about alot! You mentioned maybe that they were the survivors, but remember that's easier for them- they don't improve themselves and they have some warm body to sleep with.

 

Ding! Ding! Ding!

We have a winner!

 

It's so weird.

 

When I can think rationally and objectively about it, I really do realize just how blindingly idiotic it is to be envious of someone who continually takes the laziest, emptiest, path of least resistance... but then I'll get myself all worked up and logic goes flying out the window.

 

Yeah, I know they're locked into a pattern of shallow, short-lived relationships that will never develop, or mature... but that also means they escape all the pain and suffering that accompanies having deep, genuine emotional investments.

 

They miss out on all the good stuff too, but it's so easy to overlook that when you see how easily they can hop from rock to rock.

 

It just totally offends your sense of fairness.

And it's so hard not to be jealous, or resent the hell out of their apparent immunity to pain.

 

But the truth is-- they may not feel their hurts as deeply, but they'll feel them FOREVER. Because they never slow down long enough to address it.

They just stuff one broken relationship down on top of countless others, in a permanent layercake of all their failures. And they'll carry that sh*t with them for the rest of their lives, if they don't fix it.

 

It's gonna hit us WAY harder, but it won't chase us for the remainder of our days. It'll tear us up. But we'll heal.

And like Hemmingway said, we'll be stronger at the broken places.

 

It sucks swampwater right now, but we really are better off.

As hard as it is to see that now.

Edited March 16, 2012 by rootless

[Sugarkane]

They should be the ones upset that they screwed over a really great person, who they won't get back.

[Exit]

Yeah I've also come to find out that my recent ex is already with someone else so I can relate to a lot of the recent replies on this page. It does suck to know that they already have someone else to comfort them. A couple I knew broke up not long ago too and they are both dating other people now. It's like I'm the last one to remain single. It's hard to remind ourselves to think about it logically. I know the people who string together a chain of relationships are not really accomplishing anything except running from their issues. There's no way in hell anything major about my ex has changed in the few months that we've been apart, and she even emailed me acknowledging that there must be something seriously wrong with her, and she has a history of sabotaging her own life, etc etc. So hearing that I thought maybe she finally turned a corner and was going to stay single and get her own crap together and either I would hear from her again some day or at least she wouldn't be with someone else right away. Nope. So I guess that's her "mature" way of acknowledging that she has some severe issues; just get with somebody else. I can't believe the person I thought I could spend my life with is so easy.

 

Marquee I can again identify with your last post, nothing in my life has totally destroyed me like my last relationship. I don't know what type of person I was when I met her, I don't remember who I used to be, the years I spent with this girl was like putting me through a meat grinder. She is the terrible one, yet my brain has been messed with so much that I'm the one with terrible confidence. I know how to loop of sadness and anger feels.

 

I may just be temporarily in a better mood but I think I can say I'm starting to feel the slightest beginnings of moving on from it. I don't want to jinx myself. I'm sure when I wake up tomorrow morning I'll feel the same pains as usual. But finally my brain is spending a little less time at full throttle trying to make sense of what happened, I'm just starting to accept that I was one link in her chain of relationships, and I thought we had something out-of-this-world special, but it never meant anything like that to her.

[marqueemoon4]

I remember a few months after she left.. and I was out of my mind that she showed 0 emotion. She told me that you move on by finding someone else, or by spending time with friends or you focus on your job (I really have no interest in work). Someone either advised her of this at some point, or thats an innate belief she has. This was before I knew about the coworker she cheated with, and before she started seeing the dirtbag she is with now. She USES people. She does nothing out of the kindness of her heart. She appreciates nothing. She just loves referring to where she lives now as "her" house. Oh, you mean the townhouse this scumbag desperately invited you and my son to live in during his second divorce so he too could avoid being alone? So unbelievably pathetic.

 

Where would this chick be living if it wasn't for prince charming? In her parents basement, where she belongs. This person has never earmed anything in her life, she was poor growing up and she learned the only way to live the lifestyle she wants (which I showed her) is to latch onto men to take care of her. Play the victim and make people feel sorry for her. She's a bottomfeeder. And none of it would matter at all to me if I didn't have a son with this leech.

Edited March 16, 2012 by marqueemoon4

[rootless]

She USES people. She does nothing out of the kindness of her heart. She appreciates nothing. ...

 

This person has never earned anything in her life, she was poor growing up and she learned the only way to live the lifestyle she wants (which I showed her) is to latch onto men to take care of her. Play the victim and make people feel sorry for her.

 

Okay, I *hate* this word, but why not let that stuff be (shudder) empowering to you?

 

From everything you've said, this is a hopelessly flawed person.

 

Despite whatever flimsy outward appearance of "happiness" she's cobbled together, I'm telling you:

This is *not* a person who enjoys her life.

This is *not* a person who feels good about herself.

This is *not* a person who will ever feel safe, or loved, or whole, no matter who she she surrounds herself with.

 

Even with you, she couldn't find happiness.

And NOTHING you could do would change that.

 

This is a person who scrapes by on the bare minimum.

This is a person who's clamping on to every lame, superficial affirmation she can, so she won't have to look at herself in the mirror.

This is a person who will do ANYTHING she can not to be alone for five minutes, so she won't have to consider how completely broken and cruel and ugly she feels.

 

This is NOT somebody to be jealous of.

 

Her new house, and her new guy *aren't* a balm for her soul.

She hasn't found some miracle panacea that has lifted her woes and lead her to Nirvana.

Under a *very* thin patina of momentary contentment, I guarantee this woman is MISERABLE.

 

They're just *things* to distract her from the unendurable hell that is being HER.

 

And however it might look like she's having a great time, I would bet my life that she isn't.

 

She hates herself.

I'd stake everything I own on it.

She absolutely hates herself.

 

And she doesn't even know *why*.

She's not self-aware enough to even ask.

 

And she'll rattle around and pinball from situation to situation, forever discontent, forever compelled to run, forever unable to escape that gnawing feeling of incompleteness that she can't name, or locate, or even accept exists.

 

This chick is BROKEN, dude.

The more you describe her, the more I feel bad for this woman.

 

She should have your PITY, not your envy.

 

She's an unbelievably sad figure.

I actually feel a lot of compassion for her, because she sounds MESSED UP.

 

Seriously.

 

Honestly, I'm not saying this to run her down, or even to make you feel better -- I'm just giving you my opinion, based on the stories you've related.

 

You are so, so fortunate to be free of this woman.

 

You've been given your life back.

 

I wish you could see that.

 

I will be SO happy for you when she no longer holds any power over you.

 

That's gonna be a beautiful day.

 

I can't wait until you get there.

Edited March 16, 2012 by rootless

[marqueemoon4]

Haha thanks man.. and as someone who can really appreciate writing chops and vocabulary, I must say your posts are amazing to read. Did you major in English in college?

 

Its funny too.. everyone on my side agrees her whole demeanor is a front. She really is messed up, and she'll never have the courage to face her multitude of issues. The cycle will never be broken. Ugh, good riddance.

 

On another note- I passed my Security + certification today. So thats something positive and I really needed it.

 

btw again I have to thank all of my friends on this board, you people are amazing and your support and advice has been priceless. you know who you are.

[jaymz]

On another note- I passed my Security + certification today. So thats something positive and I really needed it.

 

CompTIA?

 

I passed mine a few years ago. stupidly hard exam. well done.

[canary123]

The worst thing is that the best we can do is try to have the "oh well, can't do anything about it" attitude. There is NO validation from these people. No closure. No empathy. Sucks to get treated like dirt, sucks even more when the person doing it to you won't even admit to it.

 

So true. I don't know how these people can block out what they did. My ex did this to me and it hurts me every day that I meant so little to her.

[marqueemoon4]

CompTIA?

 

I passed mine a few years ago. stupidly hard exam. well done.

 

Yep...comptia. I really slacked off until the last minute on studying too. Was kinda sweating it. thanks though jaymz !

[rootless]

Yep...comptia. I really slacked off until the last minute on studying too. Was kinda sweating it. thanks though jaymz !

 

Slacking, or not, that's an awesome accomplishment.

You should be proud!

 

Nice goin'!

 

Oh-- and thanks for the compliment on my writing.

Yeah-- I was an English major in college.

My twelve page rants kinda give that away, huh?

[marqueemoon4]

no it wasn't the lengthy rants, just the way your write... great stuff.

 

another date yesterday.. nice enough woman, we had a good time but not my type. back to the drawing board, again. hit the gym hard last night, gonna continue to improve myself every day!

[Mack05]

Hah that list sounds just like my ex. She had a rough childhood so I can understand having a lot of defenses built up and learning to rely on them, but I spent a lot of time during the relationship asking her to "please let me in" and not subject me to these tortures. Guess it never worked. The silent treatment used to hurt me so badly and it wasn't until after the breakup that I was made aware that this is a form of abuse. Now that we're broken up, the blame shifting and the rewriting of history has taken over. There's no way to win with these type of people.

 

This is a great thread. A lot of posters I really enjoy reading. Sadly there are some very tough relationships we need to learn lessons from. I have had some great relationships and some toxic relationships. The great relationships were very easy and flowing. I had a 7 year relationship and we didnt fight for the first 3 years and we very much in love. We broke up for a year and then had two more blissful years before her dad got terminally ill. We met too young and in the end she couldn't cope. The two relationships afterwards never stood a chance because I wasn't fully over my ex (didnt know this until Therapy years later). They were great girls and IF I met them when my heart was fully healed and opened to love who knows..I don't believe in 'the one'. I believe in two great people, right place and right time.

 

My last two relationships were eerily similar. Two gorgeous looking exotic girls. Both terrible childhoods and a mountain of baggage to go with it. Both high Logical IQ, Low emotional IQ (reading a great book at the moment called Emotional Intelligence from Daniel Goleman. Go suck a lemon is an even better book). Both similar defense mechanisms as mentioned in this thread already (except one was far more angry then the other, while the other used silence instead of rage). Sadly these toxic relationships have effected the way I view certain things. For example I won't get involved with a girl from a bad childhood in the future. This is VERY harsh, but I have been too badly hurt and burnt from these experiences. I am still in therapy, still cry every second night. Still have nightmares. I couldn't relate or communicate with either girl. Operated on completely different wavelengths for most of the time when we were together and in the aftermath of each breakup. Yet I saw something so special in both of them. Because there is something so special in both. Two incredible survivors. Gutsy girls who left a crap life behind them and turned it into something so much better. With survivors you wonder if they make good partners because they have learnt to prosper and survive on their own. Honestly I don't know..

 

I was desperate to succeed with both yet the combination was 'a match and gunpowder'. They saw the worst in me and I brought out the worst in them. The one obvious lesson I learnt is when I have been confident and happy in my life I have had 3 easy going relationships. When I have had low self esteem and insecurities I have been involved in pure toxicity.

 

See I can't blame either girl for the way they behaved. I too wanted to get close but both kept me at a distant due to mistrust of me and baggage before me. If I meet a girl from a bad childhood in future, an emotional wall will automatically come up around my heart. These girls have been through so much worse then me in their lives, so how can I blame them when their 'survival' defense mechanisms kick in? I can't..Some guys will just know how to connect to them and understand them. They have both had guys like that in the past so no reason they won't have again in the future. He will operate on the same wavelength as them. I never will, no matter how emotionally healthy I end up. I tried to help at times but in the end, it has the 'opposite' of the desired effect.

 

These girls don't believe they need help and they are actually in a way right. They have unresolved issues which both are in denial over but my job was never to help them, but to be a good partner to them. A job, I failed at on both occasions. I saw the special qualities they both posses but both times my inner voice was telling me this isn't right. Their behaviours and reactions were not what I was accustomed to in my life's relationships (family/friends/ex's). I would have certain conversations with my last ex and have no idea what the hell she was going on about it. I found her ramblings bordering on the bizarre at times.

 

I had no belief in myself and no self esteem, so I would just convince myself you won't get better then her, and said "Inner voice shut up. She's beautiful, kind hearted and thoughtful, she is classly, courageous and caring. Double shut up". In hindight I would have just communicated my fears/worries but when I tried that, I either communicated my point terribly or my ex just got super defensive. It's very hard to work through problems with sensitive people. You constantly feel you are not being listened to or understood and they constantly feel under 'attack' by you.

 

Marquee you have got to find a way to forgive her and move on with your own life. We have never walked in their shoes. There are some things you will just never understand. Human pysche and nature is truly amazing. It's easy just to say they are messed up, bitter pyscho bitches so screw them. But that is neither fair or accurate. They are special girls and the right guy honestly won't see their bad sides as much as we did. Just as the right girl for us will never see the flaws that effected our past relationships. It is about learning and growing as a person..

 

Holding onto resentment is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die. The financial situation sucks but money is not the be all and end all. I was a disaster with money but I have learnt to be creative and disciplined despite living in one of the most expensive holiday resorts in Europe. You have got to find a way of accepting that there are some things in life that you are not meant to understand. Now is the time to keep being a great dad. To rid yourself of insecurities and improve self esteem. To use this experience and grow as a person. To be the guy you were a few years back. To rebuild family relationships.

 

It can be done. You got a big heart, determination and courage. When you turn this around the feeling of satisfaction will be like no other..I wish you well buddy. The road back can be rocky and bumpy. Sometimes we take a few steps back or a wrong side road. As long as you keep your eye on the longterm goal/prize that is all that matters..

Edited March 19, 2012 by Mack05

[stimson554]

everyone has some type of defense mechanism, but i think what your getting at are the extreme defense mechanisms. usually these extreme cases stem from childhood abuse/abandonment and are usually used so the person has a chance to leave a relationship before being abandoned(at least in their minds that is whats going to happen) these people don't need sympathy they need HELP!

 

the movie Good Will Hunting is a perfect picture of what an extreme defense mechanism looks like.

[Exit]

Yet I saw something so special in both of them. Because there is something so special in both. Two incredible survivors. Gutsy girls who left a crap life behind them and turned it into something so much better. With survivors you wonder if they make good partners because they have learnt to prosper and survive on their own. Honestly I don't know..

 

Great post Mack05. Summed up so much of what I experienced with my last "survivor" ex, especially the part I've left in quotes above. I thought my ex was so strong for getting through the things that happened in her life, and thought it would make her a good relationship partner. But I've learned my lesson about that. Like you, I may come to see "troubled childhood" as a red flag when I meet new girls. These girls are indeed special and have survived a lot, but it changes them in a way I cannot relate to. My parents were far from a perfect couple but they stuck together, I never had to wonder where one or both of my parents were, never had to live on my own in my early teens, I guess I just can't understand them. You'd think after all they've been through, all they'd want is a stable partner who doesn't give up on them and will stand by them, but my ex seems to run from that intimacy more than anything. And it probably is a pattern of abandoning people before they themselves can get abandoned again, I remember one of the last days my ex and I were together I was mad at her and told her I was "95% of the way ready to end this relationship", probably gave her defense mechanisms a big hint to hurry up and end it herself.

 

Like you said, I saw it as a job more to heal these girls and make them happy, moreso than trying to just understand and appreciate them. The guy my ex is with now seems like a total dirtbag but maybe he's the one who can relate to her on her level.

 

Oh well.

[Mack05]

Exit couldn't agree more. My parents are nearly 38 years. They have been together for 45. They met when my mother was 14 and my dad 16. They broke up for a year and get back together. They got married when my dad was 24 and my mother 22.

 

They have been the most amazing role models for what a marriage should be. They evolved together as a couple over the years. It wasn't always easy. There were times we had no money and couldn't pay the mortgage, when my dad was out of work. They lost their parents (my 3 grandparents) in a horrible 14 month stretch. My sister left home and went 'awol' in her behaviour for a few years and numerous other things I could mention. Yet through it all they supported each other through thick and thin. As a family we have all done the same. All of us wear our hearts on our sleeves. All of us always there for the other.

 

There have been a few times when the marriage almost ended. Indeed I remember one time, my parents telling myself and my sister that there were considering seperating. Yet I didn't panic. I know their love and a million other qualities they both posess would prevail and they did. Right now I have never seen them happier. No financial worries, same hobbies and interests and 2 holidays a year. Those family holidays we all go on, are a reward to them for 38 years of hard work and sacrifice.

 

My recent ex's never had that. They have never been given a blueprint to what a truly great relationship is. What it means to TRULY fight for something you believe in. What it means to truly communicate, trust, love, comprehend, understand and empathize. To REALLY open your heart and place it in someone else's hand knowing they won't let it fall. These are the qualities you need to build a life lasting bond.

 

I have never walked in their shoes, so I don't know what it is like to empathise with them. To gain a real understanding what is going on inside of them. They both have qualities I don't possess. But I have qualities they don't possess. I was hoping therefore we could fill the gaps in a healthy way. Not a chance. Secure, outgoing, confident girls who are full of self belief are not sensitive and I have realised I can't be in a relationship with a highly sensitive/anxious girl. It's just not fun, constantly having to watch what you are saying in fear of a backlash or being used against you in a future fight. Especially when you are never being deliberately hurtful.

 

You see so often two people from bad childhoods getting together, because they understand and empathize with each other. Sometimes the gaps are filled in a healthy way and they go on to beat the odds. But most times these relationships have little chance of long term survival for a myriad of different reasons.

 

I know for a fact one of the reasons I am still single is because I have never met a woman who has the qualities of my mother and my sister. The girls I did meet with those qualities were already taken. My mother/sister is an incredible women. She is loving, kind, devoted and probably the only person I know who is always right :-). Not a bad bone in her body. I want to meet a woman with those attributes and if I don't, I simply won't settle. A lot of harsh lessons learnt. One of them is when you try fix//help/change a woman to be with you believe your ideal woman should be, you have already lost her. Just a matter of time.

Exit/Marquee I will give you a great tip to move on from a toxic relationship which always puts a smile on my face. Do the things your ex hated about you. My last ex was so weird about having things in the exact place. She would notice even the smallest thing out of place like a book on her shelf! If I left a kitchen cupboard open by accident or the carpet was not exactly 90 degress to the bathroom sink/coffee table I would get a lecture. One time I embarassingly missed the toilet without realizing (if you know what I mean). I won't even begin to go into the fall out of that! haha..

 

So in my appartment (which I am hopefully buying in 9 months, have first refusal) I deliberately leave one kitchen cupboard always open and my carpet is more like 68 degress to the coffee table :-). I know its her parents are at fault here, but I don't want to live my life where I can't relax in my own home. If you can't relax in the one place you worked hard for, then you are not living life. I did learn a lesson form her though. Always and I mean always respect someone's home and ways of doing things. No matter how weird you find it.

 

Marquee as you know your ex is in rebound mode. Filling an emotional gap unhealthly. When the honeymoon eriod ends this will crash like a meteor falling from space. Just keep doing what you are doing. Fill the emotional gaps in a healthy way and the rewards will come to you further down the line..

Edited March 20, 2012 by Mack05

[Mack05]

Guys I hope this article explains your ex’s behaviour. It was written about care takers (us) and emotionally damaged women (ex's). Just brilliant insight from both perspectives. All you can do is accept the way things are and focus on your healing and personal growth. Buy the book Go suck a lemon...It is the best self help book I have ever read..It is so important to gain an ability to avoid such relationships in future..

 

"If you believe that your partner was experiencing the relationship in the same way that you were or that they are feeling the same way you do right now, don’t count on it. This will only serve to confuse you and make it harder to understand what is really happening.

 

When any relationship breaks down, it’s often because the partners are on a different “page” – but much more so when your partner suffers with abandonment/anxiety traits. Unknown to you, there were likely significant periods of shame, fear, disappointment, resentment, and anger rising from below the surface during the entire relationship. What you have seen lately is not new - rather it’s a culmination of feelings that have been brewing in the relationship.

 

You concede that there are problems, and you have pledged to do your part to resolve them. Because there have been periods of extreme openness, honesty, humanity and thoughtfulness during the relationship, and even during the break-ups, your partner’s concerns are very credible in your eyes. But your partner also has the rather unique ability to distort facts, details, and play on your insecurities to a point where fabrications are believable to you.

 

It’s a complex defense mechanism, a type of denial, and a common characteristic of girls from troubled childhoods. As a result, both of you come to believe that you are the sole problem; that you are inadequate; that you need to change; even that you deserve to be punished or left behind. This is largely why you have accepted punishing behaviours; why you try to make amends and try to please; why you feel responsible. But the problems aren’t all your fault and you can't solve this by changing. The problems are not all of your partner’s fault either. This is about a complex and incredibly “loaded” relationship bond between the two of you.

 

People like our ex’s hear and read just fine. Everything that we have said has been physically heard. The issue is more about listening and engaging.When the relationship breaks down and emotions are flared, the ability to listen and engage diminishes greatly on all sides. If we try to compensate by being more insistent, it often just drives the interaction further into unhealthy territory. We may be seen as aggressive. We may be seen as weak and clingy. We may be seen as having poor boundaries and inviting selfish treatment. We may be offering ourselves up for punishment. It may be denial, it may be the inability to get past what they feel and want to say, or it may even be payback. This is one of the most difficult aspects of breaking up - there is no real closure on the dumpee’s part.

 

Once these relationships seriously rupture, they are harder to repair than most – many wounds that existed before the relationship have been opened. Of course you have a lot invested in this relationship and your partner has been an integral part of your dreams and hopes - but there are greater forces at play now. For you, significant emotional wounds have been inflicted upon an already wounded soul. To revitalize your end of the relationship, you would need to recover from your wounds and emerge as an informed and loving caretaker – it’s not a simple journey. You need compassion and validation to heal - something your partner most likely won’t understand – and you can’t provide for yourself right now

 

For your partner, there are longstanding and painful fears, trust issues, and resentments that have been triggered. Your partner is coping by blaming much of it on you. For your partner to revitalize their end of the relationship, they would need to understand and face their wounds and emerge very self-aware and mindful. This is likely an even greater challenge than you face.

 

Your ex’s mood swings and past break-up / make-up cycles may have you conditioned to think that, even after a bad period, that you can return idealization stage (that you cherish) and the “dream come true” (that your partner holds dear), this is not realistic thinking. Idealization/Magical thinking built on “dream come true” fairytale beliefs is not the hallmark of relationship maturity and stability - it is the hallmark of a very fragile, unstable relationship.

 

As natural relationship realities that develop over time clash with the dream, the relationship starts breaking down. Rather than growing and strengthening over time, the relationship erodes over time. The most realistic representation of your relationship is not what you once had – it is what has been developing over time.You might want to stay to help your partner. You might want to disclose to them about their issues and help them get into therapy. Maybe you want to help in other ways while still maintaining a “friendship”.

 

The fact is, we are no longer in a position to be the caretaker and support person for your ex partner – no matter how well intentioned. Understand that we have become the trigger for our partner’s bad feelings and bad behavior. Sure, we do not deliberately cause these feelings, but your presence is now triggering them. This is a complex defense mechanism that is often seen with these types of women when a relationship sours. It’s roots emanate from the deep core wounds associated from their pasts. We can’t begin to answer to this.

 

We also need to question your own motives and your expectations for wanting to help. Is this kindness or a type “well intentioned” manipulation on your part - an attempt to change them to better serve the relationship as opposed to addressing the lifelong wounds from which they suffer? (I finally understand what my ex meant by manipulation).

 

More importantly, what does this suggest about our own survival instincts – we’re injured, in ways we may not even fully grasp, and it’s important to attend to our own wounds before we are attempt to help anyone else. You are damaged. Right now, your primary responsibility really needs to be to yourself – your own emotional survival.If your partner tries to lean on you, it’s a greater kindness that you step away. Difficult, no doubt, but more responsible..

 

We often think that by holding back or depriving our partner of “our love” – that they will “see the light”. We base this on all the times our partner expressed how special we were and how incredible the relationship was. Absence may makes the heart grow fonder when a relationship is healthy – but this is often not the case when the relationship is breaking down. People with our ex’s traits often have object constancy issues – “out of sight is out of mind”. They may feel, after two weeks of separation, the same way you would feel after six. Distancing can also trigger all kinds of abandonment and trust issues. Absence generally makes the heart grow colder"

Edited March 20, 2012 by Mack05

[marqueemoon4]

Mack great posts and I'm glad you involved yourself in the discussion as you are someone on this board whose opinion I respect.

 

I will say however... everyone saying how she'll somehow come crashing down and she'll pay for all the horrible things she's done.. well, I really wouldn't bet on it. People from lousy backgrounds like hers DO survive.. and are extremely adept at keeping themselves afloat. Problem is they do it at the other peoples expense. People that truly care about them. People that invested a ton of time/emotion/effort/money on them, like yours truly. I now know that anyone who makes the mistake of caring for her ends up getting hurt.

 

Also what resonated with me is the whole dumping out of fear of abandonment. I'm pretty sure she is even more scared of abandonment than I am.. she was expecting me to drop her back in early 2010 and I think thats when she started preparing to get out and engaging her friends/family so she could beat me to the punch. There was no punch coming from me... I was in it for the long haul.. for better or for worse.

 

So now she's trapped some dude who has a track record of leaving two marriages. I'm sure she thinks that since she is having his kid he'll stay around, and maybe he will. I know things between my exW and I went downhill the second our son was born, so who knows. At the end of the day

 

 

F**K HER

Edited March 20, 2012 by marqueemoon4

[Mack05]

Marquee I feel your pain bro. I have anger too. It comes and goes in waves like many emotions I am feeling lately. Now that I am starting to see things clearer, sometimes part of me wants to fly over to her and go completely off on her ass, but really what would it accomplish? I would prefer to rise above her behaviour and live my life with positivity, openess to love and trust, with a real willingness to leave to go off the past and the baggage that accompanies it (which will be hard, as I have already mentioned it will be difficult to fall for a girl from a bad childhood again in future).

 

We all have the ability to change our future. Even our ex's, if somehow their eyes can get opened. If my ex read the posted article above, little would sink in because her eyes are closed. She would just blame me and call me horrible names. Then off she'd go, still as blind as she has been for a very long time now. I can only hope therapy works for her, but I have my doubts.

 

I can only live my life in positvity and hope, by leaving go of all resentment I feel towards her (and her family for messing up a beautiful life). I'm not there yet, but I realised it's ok to be angry. So long as its not long term, otherwise it will consume me and I don't want to live my life being cynical, bitter, vengeful, spiteful, hurtful or nasty. Traits I have seen within my last ex on a few occasions now. Traits that come from her unresolved anger and perceived injustices throughtout her life. By flying over and letting her have it, I am just sinking to her level. To be truly happy in life, I need to rise above it. So do you mate..

 

Yes our ex's will survive, righteous anger and all. Be in no doubt about that. It's in their blood, it's in their DNA, but i'd rather thrive then survive..I'd rather be extraordinary then just 'fine'. I know its hard, but you have to bring this inwards. I spent months on this board last year trying to figure out what was wrong with a previous ex, instead of focusing what was really wrong with me. I naively thought I wouldn't make those mistakes again. I was so sure. Yet I made the EXACT same mistakes further down the line and couldn't even see the similar patterns.

 

I won't make them now mate, cause this is the last time for a long time that I will post here on LS. Posting here just reminds me of her and delays fully getting back to me and fully focusing on just me. I know posting about my past relationship(s) has to stop, if I really want to help myself. This time I got to walk the walk instead of just talking the talk. Otherwise I will fail in my life and I won't fullfull my rich potential (which is what my recent ex's are probably expecting. They always did underestimate my desire and will to succeed).

 

Right now I am mainly focusing on my past behaviours (both in and out of therapy, in and out of relationships). Many things I have accussed my ex's of on this thread, I suffer from too. Poor ability to communicate and low emotional IQ being just two. When I read the book 'Go suck a lemon', I was reading it going "oh god no woman would have wanted you!". The difference between myself and my ex's is that my eyes are opening. I can accept my flaws and put building blocks in place to resolve them for good. They just live in denial, refusing to truly turn things inwards. Just expecting prince Charming to arrive on the scene. Followed by the same cycles. More magical thinking, more similar mistakes, more blaming....Not my problem anymore.

 

One lesson I have learnt from my past two relationships is that forgiveness helps to move on with your life. Until my anger is fully gone, I can't honestly forgive my ex. It's a work in progress, but I will forgive her. She still has a grip over me and the only way I will be able to realise it is to forgive her. GENUINELY forgive her. As well as forgiving myself which in essence I have done.

 

The best revenge to get on an ex that has hurt you enormously, is to live your life as well as can be. Can you really live your life well, when you are full of resentment? When you play the 'blame game'? That is what they do. So don't live the life, that they are headed toward. Live a better one. I honestly hope my ex finds peace, contentment, love and happiness. If I didn't then my message to myself is getting lost (positivity, openess, trust, love, forgiveness etc etc). They longer I focus on her, the longer I am depriving myself of what my heart truly desires. A woman that loves all of me. That will never give up on me, even when at times I might have given up on myself. That won't hurt me, cause I might have hurt her. Thats there when its great and there when it's bad. Who is strong, kind, considerate and empathic. Who doesn't need 'rescuing'. Who knows what it means to be part of a 'team'.

 

Marquee me right now (despite all my good progress) can't get that girl I described above. I want the girl I described above. One day I am going to get her and love her like she has never been loved before. What are you going to do? Stay busy angry or get busy living? I wish you well mate..