Defense Mechanisms

[worldgonewrong]

Mack05 - is this book "Go Suck A Lemon" the same one written by Michael Cornwall?

I really think I'm going to buy this book.

[Mack05]

Mack05 - is this book "Go Suck A Lemon" the same one written by Michael Cornwall?

I really think I'm going to buy this book.

 

It is mate and you won't regret it...

[worldgonewrong]

thank you! I'm on it.

[marqueemoon4]

My new defense mechanism? I'm gonna be the nicest, most respectful, helpful, understanding human being I can be. In general. If I meet OM, I'm gonna shake his hand and congratulate him on getting my exW preggers. Hooray!

 

You try to keep me down BUT I'M STILL STANDING AND I'M STILL STRONG (sorry I caught the end of Antwone Fisher yesterday)

[worldgonewrong]

If I meet OM, I'm gonna shake his hand and congratulate him on getting my exW preggers.

 

And you'll be sending a strong message to OM: she's your problem now, brother. Best of luck.

 

Add to that, you'll be sending her a strong message too: you're not my problem anymore. You don't control my mind/emotions/heart like before. Good luck, woman.

 

A shift in attitude will throw everyone off-balance and only serve to make you stronger. GO FOR IT.

[marqueemoon4]

Yea man... and for the record NO I have not forgiven her, nor will I. Healthy or not I'm not doing it. BUT, I will no longer be angry about all this.. yes I am sad I am away from my son a lot of the time, but eventually he will be with me. I know this in my heart. Kill em with kindness... thats my new mantra.

 

And in other news.. the company that cut me last July was bought yesterday.. now all the people who work there are scrambling for jobs as the new company will almost definitely downsize. I still have a lot of friends there so I feel for them, but things do go in cycles.

[Mack05]

My last post on LS for quite awhile Marquee and I am hoping to try convince you to forgive..

 

Right now like you I am angry. Not all the time. It comes and goes. I am dealing with it in a healthy way. The first way I mention towards the end of this post. The second way I go for a run or swim instead of calling her/mailing her, or even going to see her (that would just scare her and I don't want to do that). I'm so so so so hurt..I want to fly to her and shake some sense into her. I want to talk to her...But it's pointless. Her emotional wall is up and nothing I can say will get through. All that will come back is a wall of anger. The article I posted on the previous page explains why.

 

I have noticed that people (I have met) from tough childhoods tend to look forward and avoid looking back. They convince themselves they are great and are proud of their achievements (and rightly so). The thing is more often then not, they are fooling themselves. You can't truly look forward, until you fully resolve (and not avoid) what was back. Until people can mention her family without her seeing red, then she can never be truly emotionally healthy. A point totally lost on her.

 

Everything my ex wanted I was willing to give her and then some. She has a very tough life. No real proper family, few friends and little social life. I have many friends/acquaintances. Everywhere I travel (been all over the world) I have made friends/acquaintances. I have an amazing family and extended family. My family would have became her family. My friends would have became her friends. She would have love and happiness surrounding her every Christmas. Happy Holidays every year. Two little boys (my nephews) that would have adored her and I would have taken care of her emotionally, financially and EVERY other way for the rest of her life. I would have shared the burden from her past. Taken care of her brother. Put her needs above mine. U feel the same way Marquee right?

 

I didn't want much back in return. He irrational behaviours meant it was hard for me to stay in the relationship. She would distort things so much. Nearly every time we fought, she would use a story I told her and use it against me in a fight. The thing is the stor(ies) she would say back to me, would be almost unrecognisable from the one's that I originally told her. It be also used in a way, that is was never meant to be used. Often that left me hurt, confused and baffled. I wish I could have communicated this better at the time..Hindsight is a wonderful thing..

 

Also, she used to make what I (and friends I have spoken to) would consider small things, into way bigger issues then they actually were. Huge over-reactions. Here is a good explanation to this behaviour -> http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/315182-unresolved-anger . All I wanted was her to recognise that she has issues, to understand what these issues were and to try and resolve them. To take accountability for some of the problems in the relationship. She never did. Just blamed me for everything and had a truly horrible opinion of me (which I found to be very harsh and always will).

 

On Valentines day, I told her if she is willing to deal with her issues, that I will go and deal with mine and I would like to reconnect (providing she was willing to take some accountability for the problems in the R). I made it very clear a week later, I wanted to try again. All I wanted was for her to confront her issues and deal with them once and for all (like I was willing to do). Her response to me was that, I am a horrible person and to leave her the f£uk alone. Haven't spoken to her since and will very much likely never speak to her again..

 

I know how she is dealing with this. Firstly she is probably all ready indifferent to me. When she meets a guy and talks about me, I know she will distort the truth to make me out to be worse then I really am. I will be the emotional insecure, low self esteem mess. I will be blamed for everything, just like her previous ex's were. I remember she once said to me that her ex's would "never say a bad word about me", yet two of them left her/quit on her and the other two cheated on her. People who are happy in relationships, don't do those things. Sure they may not say anything bad, but their actions suggested otherwise. The harsh reality which she refuses to acknowledge, is that every relationship in her 30's and onwards the guys have either wanted to leave (including me) or cheated. If I tried to open her eyes to this fact, I was a despicable person. I guess the right guy will approach her in the right way..I certainly never could. Hopefully my communication improves with time, reflection and hard work.

 

I think I was the only one of her recent ex's who really wanted to open her eyes. To give her a real future of hope and happiness. My heart was invested for sure. A guy who liked her once, sent her a cruel email when she rebuffed his advances. She was so upset and I consoled her. Yet she did the exact same thing to me (sent me a cruel email, on more then one occasion)! That's what is so frustrating. Say we had just met and I told a similar story to her (about our relationship). She would openly question the woman's behaviour. Her logic and reasoning were amazing, except when it came to her.

 

She would rather live her aimless, ordinary, lonely, life instead of accepting and dealing with her demons and embracing the happiness that I would have provided her. I will never understand that..I guess I just have to accept she doesn't have the thought process of an emotionally healthy and rational person. It is hard though. Some people should never be parents and that goes for her parents. I think if she had the start to life I did, she would be a superstar. I really believe that. Never have I seen beauty like hers, even in the movies and despite her negative personality traits, I know she has a beautiful heart and soul. That is why moving on has been especially difficult.

 

I will forgive her Marquee. Why? Because I try to put myself in her shoes. I try picture being a scared kid and having a parent beat me for dropping a plate or give out to me cause I missed some dust on a table. I try to picture a father coming home drunk and me lying awake, wondering if he is going to beat my mother up again tonight, or come into a room and verbally abuse me..She didn't deserve that. No child does. How can I be angry with her, when I have never been in her shoes? When I put myself in her shoes I can't. That is why I hope she finds inner peace, hope and happiness. An Ability to trust, to open her heart and to love (even if I am not the one to provide it). To rid herself of the anger, cynicism, bitchyness and resentment that has affected her life so negatively until now. To remove the heavy shackles that her parents tied to both her feet.

 

Here is a clip I have posted many times on forgiveness. It's from a very under rated movie Grid Iron Gang. Maybe it's underated cause the Rock is in it. I hope you understand the message here and how important real forgiveness is in life.

 

(I look forward to the day when I can say -> "Till Just now...Till Just now"

 

Learning to Forgive

Edited March 21, 2012 by Mack05

[marqueemoon4]

Mack I just love her. I truly miss having her and my son with me all the time. I had no idea how much my family meant to me until I completely lost it. I've changed so much, for the better. But its far too late.. she's gone for good.

 

I remember in July '10 after things went nuclear between us. Since that night in July she has shown me nothing, not once ounce of care, remorse or kindness. Weeks later I begged for her forgiveness.. she said "I may forgive you, but I don't want to be with you".

 

To my knowledge she hasn't forgiven me at all.. she is too busy with new guy.

 

And I woke up this morning at 5:45am... I had an extremely graphic dream of her and I making love. It was so real.. feel, taste, smell.. and I wake up alone. She is still so beautiful to me, at least the way she used to be. Not now obviously.

Edited March 21, 2012 by marqueemoon4

[lovesickmonkey]

Marquee Moon. I just discovered this album. Great, great, great.

[Forever Learning]

I will forgive her Marquee. Why? Because I try to put myself in her shoes. I try picture being a scared kid and having a parent beat me for dropping a plate or give out to me cause I missed some dust on a table. I try to picture a father coming home drunk and me lying awake, wondering if he is going to beat my mother up again tonight, or come into a room and verbally abuse me..She didn't deserve that. No child does. How can I be angry with her, when I have never been in her shoes? When I put myself in her shoes I can't. That is why I hope she finds inner peace, hope and happiness. An Ability to trust, to open her heart and to love (even if I am not the one to provide it). To rid herself of the anger, cynicism, bitchyness and resentment that has affected her life so negatively until now. To remove the heavy shackles that her parents tied to both her feet.

 

Here is a clip I have posted many times on forgiveness. It's from a very under rated movie Grid Iron Gang. Maybe it's underated cause the Rock is in it. I hope you understand the message here and how important real forgiveness is in life.

 

(I look forward to the day when I can say -> "Till Just now...Till Just now"

 

Learning to Forgive

 

Great post. Thanks for the reminder on the benefits of forgiveness.

[marqueemoon4]

Marquee Moon. I just discovered this album. Great, great, great.

 

excellent....its a great record!

[marqueemoon4]

I just remember when meeting a woman who you are attracted to.. you have no idea just how crazy they are, or how normal they are. The big fear of all men is to get deeply involved with someone who DOESN'T KNOW THEMSELVES, or knows exactly how psychotic they are and are extremely adept at not showing it.

 

The standard woman who wants out of a relationship, twist everything and rewrite history, take no blame, cheat, lie about everything to make themselves look like a victim.. and think that children are their PERSONAL PROPERTY. Think because they're semi attractive the world owes them a living. Pathetic.

[marqueemoon4]

Picked up my son.. gave her the check. Got a look at her engagement ring, wow really awful and tacky. This clown has bought 3 rings now, you'd think he'd develop some taste.

 

I was trying to put my son in the seat and she didnt drive away, started asking inane questions about insurance. Tried to ignore her but seeing the ring really upset me. She kept waiting and I said yes he's still on my insurance, what does it matter? She sat there and tried to explain herself.. I was really short with her.. then stupidly said nice ring, ugh heinous under my breath. She drove away. Disappointed with myself. She was talking to me like everything was cool between us which it will never be. I'm sure she loved that I was upset. I cant believe I did that. She wanted an emotional reaction from me and she got it. She knows she is still hurting me and she loves it.

Edited March 22, 2012 by marqueemoon4

[marqueemoon4]

thoughts please... i'm still pretty upset about this........

 

i am an incredibly forgiving, understanding, and non grudge holding human being. I CAN'T FORGIVE HER FOR WHATS SHES DONE/DOING. She stood before God and our families and swore she would never put herself above ME and our SON. Thats exactly what she is doing, the devastation, suffering, and pain she has caused to our son, me, and my family is immeasurable. I want to forgive and forget but I can't!!!! ITs in my face every day. How could I be tricked into believing she wasn't the coldest, most heartless human being I've ever come across? How???????

Edited March 23, 2012 by marqueemoon4

[worldgonewrong]

As you know, I share some degree of parallel understanding of your situation, since I have kids too. and I share much of the same resentments, astonishment, and hurt.

It's difficult to look into the face of your child(ren), and see the combined genes of you & the woman you once thought loved you; it's difficult to see them as they were the 'signs' of a mutual, deepening future between you and that woman. I totally get it.

But here's the thing. Our kids are still here. They're pure, they're wide open to the world, and you need to channel your love - the intensity of your love - into your child.

Chase purity, give purity. Once you replace anger/resentment with gratitude - and God, I know it's tough - the universe DOES begin to bend for you in strange, more happy ways. I'm a firm believer that what you project into the universe comes back at you.

We were both unhappy with our wives (and them moreso with us), but our resentments back then helped to poison what we had. What we projected came back to haunt us.

So, take responsibility for what you've done (which you have already, I'm saying this generically), FORGIVE yourself, FORGIVE her in your mind -- it doesn't have to be a sweeping/holy forgiveness, it can be incremental. But release some of these feelings, otherwise you're carrying around this toxic mental sludge that's radiating around you.

Case in point: you made the smart-crack to your wife in the car; while your son might be too small to 'get it', he gets the energy you're putting out there. Don't do it.

You're the better person.

[marqueemoon4]

yea what you're saying is truth. keep in mind your stbxw isn't engaged to someone else and isn't preg either. believe me, its amps up the pain and resentment.

[worldgonewrong]

yea what you're saying is truth. keep in mind your stbxw isn't engaged to someone else and isn't preg either. believe me, its amps up the pain and resentment.

 

Oh I get that, man. I can only imagine.

But when the divorce dust clears and I see her on the arm of some other guy, I'm going to be in the dumper too.

[marqueemoon4]

I think aside from the betrayal/lies/financial devastation what scares me the most is that I'll never find anything real again. Which is strange because I look as good as I ever have.. just not happening. So only thing to do is continue to work on myself and hope for the best. Sigh.

[worldgonewrong]

I think aside from the betrayal/lies/financial devastation what scares me the most is that I'll never find anything real again. Which is strange because I look as good as I ever have.. just not happening. So only thing to do is continue to work on myself and hope for the best. Sigh.

 

I think you will find something real again.

It will probably surprise you when it does happen, because disappointment has been such a lingering cloud.

[marqueemoon4]

So last week I got to see her engagement ring up close.. princess cut (how fitting). Yesterday she rolls up in a new suv with her same stupid personalized plate (for those who may have forgotten KRMA PLC). Oh and she isn't working now it appears. And she gets to take $750mo from me. She was a SAHM from 07-10 while I busted my ass working to give her and my son everything I could. Never appreciated it for a millisecond.

 

As for me, the one who supported her, gave her everything for years, yea I should be foreclosed on in the month or so, in debt big time, emotionally broken, alone, and miserable. Am I reaping what I sewed? This is just ridiculous.... its just one slap in the face after another. I believe in God and have to ask why is he doing this? Do I really deserve this? Was I that bad of a husband/father and person to her?

 

People, this is the flipside of NC and moving on with your life and finding someone "better". She doesn't rub it in my face, she doesn't have to. Its right there in front of me.. pregnant, happy, wearing a sparkly engagement ring that she probably likes more than the $9k one I bought her in 06. Driving a brand new SUV she could never in a million years afford on her own. THis guy is enabling her to be like this.. there are no consequences for anything SHE has done. None. I don't even think she misses her son on weekends when I have him.. she is so busy being happy all the time. And planning her big wedding. I've never seen such a one sided beatdown in my entire life. Most people on here have their SO/spouse downgrade when they leave for someone else. This guy, even with his horrible track record is validating everything she does. Like ok my ex husband was a smart ass and verbally abusive at times, don't be like that and we'll be fine. Its exactly what she did when I met her.. she was all broken, living at home, had nothing. I gave her everything I had and fixed everything for her. Did I ever get one word of appreciation? Nope. You usually get back what you put into something? Not even close.

 

Last year before it came out she had found someone else she said ugh I want this divorce to be done. I'm never getting married again. Uh huh. I'm done having kids after our son. Hmm, nope. Oh I don't want a daughter, a son is all I ever wanted. Hey, look at that now having a daughter is a MIRACLE from God. I want to be on my own .. actually scratch that I found another sucker with deeper pockets than you who is hot to jump right into another relationship after leaving his first two wives. He gives me EVERYTHING and expects nothing in return. I on the other hand, wanted a small amount of appreciation, love, and affection... just to feel WANTED and not used. I never got ANY of it. I have no idea how someone can be so remorseless and without compassion for someone they claimed to care about at one point. And if everyone is like this deep down, I will be alone the rest of my life.

 

I remember asking her why she would never let me in.. this was in bed a year after we were married. We started fresh the day we were married, and it was all downhill from there. "I don't like sex, its just not in me". Hmmm, ok. "I'm a cold person". Really? I have to ask God.. seriously.. why? I can't find any silver lining almost 2yrs after she left. I always wanted her to be happy, why in hell does it have to come at my son and I's expense? How could I possibly leave myself open for this?

 

I'm 42yrs old (look and act alot younger) and every woman who comes in contact with me must see how destroyed I am inside, no matter how hard I try to hide it. It doesn't help that where I live is nothing but families always out and about enjoying themselves. Its heartbreaking. I have no hope that I'll ever meet a woman who even remotely understands me. Or for that matter one that I could understand.

Edited March 26, 2012 by marqueemoon4

[worldgonewrong]

Dude, you're a gem of a guy. And you will eventually meet a woman who's not a totally selfish, psycho like your ex. Don't despair.

 

Maybe God's plan was to get you out of a really soul-sapping marriage.

[marqueemoon4]

Dude, you're a gem of a guy. And you will eventually meet a woman who's not a totally selfish, psycho like your ex. Don't despair.

 

Maybe God's plan was to get you out of a really soul-sapping marriage.

 

yea man. i feel like I'm being a whiny b*tch. but its how I feel, and it just doesn't go away.

 

btw I think its great that instead of complaining about your situation you take time to come in here and help people in need. seriously.

[worldgonewrong]

You're not being whiny. You're working through the pain.

 

And hey, brother - I've seen you 'pay it forward' many times too with other people. So back at ya.

[marqueemoon4]

You're not being whiny. You're working through the pain.

 

And hey, brother - I've seen you 'pay it forward' many times too with other people. So back at ya.

 

thanks man.. sometimes the only way you can feel good about things is by trying to help others.

[marqueemoon4]

I remember a few years back when I was totally self absorbed and petulant, my mom told me if I didn't watch out I would end up alone. Moms are usually right.

 

Feels like this emptiness is here to stay.