Defense Mechanisms

[Mack05]

Marquee I found this article fascinating -> IF LOOKS COULD KILL - Anatomy of a Borderline . I was written about borderline personality disorder, but it's just as valid for other girl's who are emotionally immature. These parts of the article (and this -> http://www.sharischreiber.com/anycost.html) are really enlightening..Also the behaviours and traits at the end of the first article.

 

"BPD is spawned by arrested emotional growth, which renders a person incapable of impulse control, adult reasoning, ability to self-soothe and capacity for empathy. A Borderline in treatment, yearns to make sense of their inner turmoil, as it feels dysfunctional and shameful. Cognitive therapy alone, can't provide the insights necessary to bring about compassion for the Self, and help one grow to allow and trust a process that must provide patient, nourishing, corrective re-parenting, along with emotional education that fosters self-actualization..

 

The intensely confusing and paradoxical behavior patterns of the Borderline are simply defenses that were adopted growing up, in order to survive these kinds of experiences in their childhood home. You might say, the Borderline is actually showing you, what he or she had to contend with as a little kid. These types of events are deeply troubling and confounding to a small child, who is supposed to learn how to make sense of his/her life experiences from their parents. But if the parents are screwed up/inept, and they're constantly sending confusing/conflicting messages to their child, what chance does this kid have, to grasp anything that resembles normal, healthy interaction?

 

If one's foundational belief is that everyone who has real meaning or value will abandon them, they'll orchestrate their relationships in such a way, that they keep getting to be right about it! When you're involved with a borderline disordered individual, it's essential to remember that you're dealing with the emotional immaturity of a young child who's trapped inside an adult's body. Struggles throughout infancy and childhood have stunted their emotional growth--which is why it's so tough getting them to understand the gravity of important issues concerning your relationship! You'll explain your perspective in as many different ways as possible, hoping they'll finally comprehend why their behaviors trouble you--and it either falls on deaf ears, or gets distorted by them, to where you start believing you're the one who's at fault..

 

You keep efforting to understand what makes them tick, but you cannot. In reality, their psychosis is something you shouldn't be able to relate to, yet you keep trying. This natural reflex to 'get it right' was implanted in you as a small child, when you experienced difficult and confusing relational dynamics with a parent. You might also have observed troubling interactions between your folks.

 

Borderlines do not relate to pain in the same way non's do. If they did, they could not persistently treat their lovers with such careless, cruel abandon. A lack of empathy (due to developmental arrest) is central to this issue.fact that Borderlines tend to remain far longer with abusive, emotionally unavailable or pre-attached/married lovers is a paradoxical mystery to many, but why the heck are You still in this tormenting, painful relationship? We are drawn to people who match our level of emotional development. The person we choose to love is a mirror for us--and he/she represents what we deeply believe we deserve".

 

After reading this article, I have made a conscious decision (which I was leaning towards anyway) to never get involved with a girl from a troubled childhood in future. I also hope with hard work on myself that I can spot an emotionally immature woman very quickly in the future..My Therapist and many articles I have read, have made my realise I can never be happy in these types of relationships. Where I end up doing all the sacrificing and no matter how hard I tried, it would never be enough. From the above article. "You'll always have the feeling you can't please him/her, or have them know how much you really love or care about them. The Borderline makes you feel like you're never enough--no matter how much you give, or do for them". I think deep down, I knew this in my last relationship and my subconscious stopped from from fully committing. My inner voice told me something didn't feel right but I wanted to love her so much and make her happy, I ignored it and fooled myself. "Fooling people is a serious business, but when you fool yourself it becomes fatal"

 

I have acceptance now that my last R could never have worked. No matter how hard I tried. I will never be able to communicate with her, understand her, empathize with her, in order to form a life lasting lasting bond with her.. Having this acceptance and understanding is really helping me move on with my life...Marquee you need to accept (and drill into yoursefl) that you will never understand her or her actions..Once you gain this acceptance you truly start the healing process.

 

What I am focusing on right now and what you need to focus on, is why were we attracted to girls like this in the first place and why did we stay in the relationship(s) as long as did?.

 

I wrote this in another thread..

 

"Downtown is probably my fav poster on this site. I read these two posts over and over last year, when I was obessesing about a previous ex (like you are now). I missed the most important part of his post..

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/brea...ng#post2826453

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/brea...ay#post3398735

 

"Because of your codependency, the danger is that you will now run into the arms of another woman just like her. Stable women are unlikely to give you the intense passion you experienced while being in bed with a woman having the emotional abandon of a child. Stable women will try to impress you but will fall far short of mirroring your personality. And stable women are unlikely to make you feel like the knight who is riding in to save them"..

 

If you continue down the current path (obsessing about her, neglecting yourself) you will eventually attract a woman just like your ex and the cycle will repeat all over again. The same drama, the same heartbreak. The same cycles. How do I know? It happened to me. I met someone pretty amazing, 4 months after heartbreak last year. I stayed in denial. I filled my emotional gaps within me the wrong way. I wasn't ready, though I convinced myself (and her) that I was. I simply hadn't dealt with my internal issues. This led to the same mistakes, same cycles, more heartbreak"

Edited March 28, 2012 by Mack05

[Mack05]

I remember a conversation with my last ex. She used the words "You made me do it" when she exploded with anger one night (she was verbally abusive towards the end). She explained she caught an ex cheating, but I was the one that made her angier more then all the other guys put together. She wanted to find a guy that would 'nuture' her and not make her angry. I realized that second, I could probably never reason with her. She wanted to believe I am 100% for all the problems in the R.

 

I wanted her to focus on the reasons behind the explosive anger. I mean I never cheated. Never abused her (called her crazy but nothing much worse then that). Yet she felt more anger towards me then she did for a narcissistic, cheating, emotionally unavailable previous ex (http://gettinbetter.com/dance.html Narcisstic/BPD relationship). I personally believe the anger came from the fact, I kept trying (very badly I might add) to make her bring things inwards and focus on her behaviours/issues and she lashed out because she didn't want to do that (for reasons I have already mentioned in this thread). In fact she rebelled against it (http://gettinbetter.com/perfect.html Caregiver/BPD relationship).

 

Outside of the R, I was more then happy to focus on my issues (codepency, insecurity, complusive behaviour, self esteem etc etc), to grow as a person, I was hoping she would do the same and maybe try reconnect at a later date. However she was also happy to focus on my issues and flaws. I tried throughout the R and in the aftermath to 'open her eyes', god I tried -> "You'll explain your perspective in as many different ways as possible, hoping they'll finally com prehend why their behaviors trouble you--and it either falls on deaf ears, or gets distorted by them, to where you start believing you're the one who's at fault"..

 

If you force these girls to bring it inward, to try change/fix them, to try 'help' them confront their issues, they will leave you. Nothing surer. After my last attempt to try 'open her eyes' my last ex left saying, "You will never change". She fails to see the irony of that statement. Because of their ignorance to their issues (that goes for us too) and their denial of the true extent of what these issues actually are, a Therapist can't help them, we can't help them. Only they can help themselves, only we can help ourselves.

 

For people to help themselves, they need to become self aware. This requires hard work, honesty, courage and a real willingness to change. It's usually a lot easier for them to leave, blame you and carry their baggage/issues to another relationship, always wondering why things don't work out for them. Ah that's right, cause their ex is ALWAYS the problem, never them..They just don't get it and the harsh probability is, that they never will. That is why the people who excel in all area's of life after a bad start, are the most remarkable people you can ever meet.

 

The conclusion of my last relationship was therefore inevitable, even though I couldn't see it at the time (just like the relationship before that, where I made the exact same mistakes). She listed my flaws (again), called me horrible names and dumped me in a cruel way. Eventually she will go find a guy that will nuture her and won't make her angry and live happily ever after..Good luck to her with that, I guess. I can't see how it's possible the way she is now, but I do hope it happens. I hope one day her eyes get opened.

 

Marquee they will move on, blaming you for everything. Totally and utterly blinded to the real extent of their issues. That is their coping mechanism. We shouldn't be angry at these girls, we should feel pity for them and worry about the fact not only did we choose them, we were willing to take all kinds of crap to be with them. I have no idea if my ex as BPD. I really don't. What I do know, is that these articles (and many others) have made me understand why a relationship with her would never have worked and far more importantly it makes it very clear that there is something seriously a miss with me. Otherwise, I would never have gotten involved in my last two relationships beyond 2 months.

 

Again I posted this on another thread..

 

"Like me, you have to start turning this inwards and the obsessing (negative emotions) about her and her behaviour has to stop. You have to fix what's wrong with you..It really doesn't matter what is wrong with your ex. You can't focus on her life. It's your life you need to solely focus on. Stay off the dating websites, Facebook, wherever the hell she is..

 

I can tell you how I am turning things inwards..

 

1) Exercise. You need to get out as much as you can. I run and swim everyday and it is having a HUGE positive effect on my life..I find it far better then the gym ever was.

 

2) Spend a few nights a week in a peaceful place. I am very lucky. I live in a beautiful complex with a lit up swimming pool. 3 nights a week I switch off the laptop, turn off the tv and spend 4 hours a night with just sipping tea/coffee overlooking the pool from my balcony. Instead of wondering what my ex is up to, I focus on many negative things she said about me. Some of her criticisms may be harsh, but many times they were valid.

 

I then write down some notes as a way of improving myself based on her feedback, other ex's feedback. Friends feedback and family feedback. Slowly I am creating a picture in my head, of how I can make the changes I need to make. Where I want my life to head towards.

 

3) Drill into yourself that you are your ex are not compatible..I mean DRILL.....This is really helpful when you are feeling low and missing her..

 

4) Read the following books. For codependency read 'The Enabler' and 'Copededent no more'. For relationship communication read 'Why can't you read my mind'..On your obessesing read the book 'how to break your addiction to a person'.

 

5) Focus on your emotional IQ. Read the book 'Go suck a Lemon' and taken this test -> Queendom: personality tests, IQ tests, mind games, love tests, career tests before and after you read Go suck a lemon..Pretty amazing relevations which help YOU..

 

It has come to the stage that only YOU can help you. It seems right now things are going in one ear and out the other. If you don't gain control of your life back, then you are headed towards a train crash. At some stage you have to say ENOUGH and want to help yourself get out of this mess. Read and understand my signature.."

 

Marquee if you don't heal in the right way (focusing solely on you and not her) and leave go of the bitterness things will not get better for you. I wrote the above two posts to a) try make you understand you can never reason with her or understand her actions b) to try make you understand that you have your own issues to deal with it (away from her). Focusing on her is delaying your own healing which is far more important.

 

I still sometimes focus on my ex. The 'what if's' come from time to time (even a few days back). I just now really try stop myself from analyzing her and our relationship. If I keep doing this, I will eventually stop analzying her/us for good which is vital for my own healing. Mostly, I am dealing with my issues/flaws right now. I haven't a clue how long it will be before I can say, that I am an emotionally mature and healthy man with a great ability to communicate. I know it's one of my main goals in life. If I don't achieve it, I will end up single or divorced. That is the plain and simple truth.

 

You are a good guy Marquee. You do deserve good things, but while you remain on this path, I worry about your future. You deserve better..PM me if you ever want to chat...I truly believe her leaving is a long term blessing in disguise even though it doesn't feel that way now. Just focus on you, be a good dad and things will eventually start to come together for you..

Edited March 28, 2012 by Mack05

[Mack05]

I need to seriously learn to condense my posts when I come back to LS in September. Bottom line Marquee if you are with someone who is unable to take accountabilty in a relationship, who is unable to admit they have faults/failings, who projects and gaslights onto you, who cleverly manipulates you (and probably lies to you). Who constantly blames you for everything, you are better off single.

 

For people like our ex's to admit to themselves or others that anything about them is less than perfect would be admitting that they are defective (that will only happen if they become self aware, highly unlikely). Their desperate need to be seen as 'perfect' physically, cerebrally and spiritually is what drives a lot of issues within this personality type. At the very heart of the acting-out is core shame--the leftover if you will, from a childhood fraught with neglect, skewed messages and abuse, which left them doubting their lovability and true worth. Any (acknowledged) error makes our ex's feel they're a "bad person," which is why their defenses are so thick, it's why they are hypersensitive and why they're unable to accept/own their fragility or failings..

 

The problem with this pattern is our ex's are never held accountable for their destructive behavior. Without any accountability or boundary and limit setting, a child's bad behavior continues to repeat indefinitely--and so does our ex's, because there can be no tangible change or growth of people, with such low emotional maturity.

 

I hope you can take something from these posts mate..Especially the need to focus on yourself..

Edited March 28, 2012 by Mack05

[marqueemoon4]

I need to seriously learn to condense my posts when I come back to LS in September. Bottom line Marquee if you are with someone who is unable to take accountabilty in a relationship, who is unable to admit they have faults/failings, who projects and gaslights onto you, who cleverly manipulates you (and probably lies to you). Who constantly blames you for everything, you are better off single.

 

funny, she would probably say this about me... even though I've taken responsibility for pretty much every mistake I made with her.

 

Really what sums up the whole thing.. was a few months back when she said "I refuse to feel like a bad person for being happy!" Obviously, I don't begrudge anyones happiness. I do, however, when it comes at the expense of myself and my son. I'm pretty sure if I cheated on her, betrayed her numerous times, lied to her, abandoned her, divorced her and pretty much ruined her, then jumped into another r/l with some other woman and got her pregnant, she'd be in a mental institution right now. I cannot grasp how someone thinks because they no longer care that gives them the green light to treat another human being like trash. No matter how I felt or what she did to me I am incapable of behaving this way. She basically gave me two choices-- either disappear or I'll be horrible to you. Thats it.

 

Make no mistake, I was not a great husband and I did make some big mistakes, but in no way did I deserve the ****storm I've been through the last 2yrs. I've never in my life met a more cruel, insensitive human being in my life.

 

So, yea.. I have to accept that she'll never own up to anything, apologize or care about me again. I believe this all would've happened no matter what I did.. she is predisposed to this type of behavior. It doesn't lessen how much it hurts on a daily basis, and no amount of pumping iron, meeting new people or wearing new clothes can fix it. I don't deserve this.

 

Maybe she has some cluster B personality disorder.. hell maybe we both do. All I know is I feel like **** every day. I wish it would stop. And Mack thank you for your thoughtful posts.. its really appreciated. I wish you the best in your continuing recovery and happiness.

Edited March 28, 2012 by marqueemoon4

[Mack05]

Marquee while I can relate to your broken heart, I can't relate to not seeing your boy everyday. I can't imagine how hard this must be be for you. Right now you are looking at this huge mountain and thinking "it's too big, its too vast". I think the way to start moving past all this, is by taking small steps. Taking one day at a time and not looking beyond that.

 

Try do something positive everyday. No matter how small it may be. Set yourself short term and long term goals. Keep a journal of these goals and tick them off as you complete them. Also write down your feelings in a journal. Don't edit it. Just write how you are feeling. It is very theurapatic..

 

Right now you have to will yourself forward even though its the last thing you might feel like doing. You have to do this for you and for your son. Here is a poem that helps me bro when I am down. It's called Don't quit...

 

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,

When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,

When the funds are low and the debts are high,

And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,

When care is pressing you down a bit,

Rest, if you must, but don't you quit.

 

Life is queer with its twists and turns,

As every one of us sometimes learns,

And many a failure turns about,

When he might have won had he stuck it out;

Don't give up though the pace seems slow--

You may succeed with another blow.

 

Often the goal is nearer than,

It seems to a faint and faltering man,

Often the struggler has given up,

When he might have captured the victor's cup,

And he learned too late when the night slipped down,

How close he was to the golden crown.

 

Success is failure turned inside out--

The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,

And you never can tell how close you are,

It may be near when it seems so far,

So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit--

It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.

Edited March 29, 2012 by Mack05

[Itsonlyme66]

Just what you said in the first posting.

 

BLAME SHIFTING

 

SILENT TREATMENT

 

GUILT PROJECTION

 

Calling me insecure when he made me feel that way! How secure would you feel if someone left you every few months???

 

So many other things

NAME CALLING

INSULTS

 

He made me feel so worthless and INVALIDATED (THAT IS A BIG ONE!) that at one point I cut myself deliberately in the bathroom. Isn't that something teenagers do? Kids who are not heard? I don't know why I did it! I just wanted the awful pain to stop!!!

 

You know what he did in the months that followed when he upset me?

He said to me, "you want me to get you a knife?"

 

mmmm.... love!

[marqueemoon4]

people can be really, really insensitive and cruel. c'est la vie.

 

 

i'm tired of my stomach hurting.

[Sugarkane]

Marquee- I like your pic of the motor bike, they are totally hot. Riding them is alot of fun. Do you ride? I've gone with a club before but there's never any young single guys:(

[Exit]

"Borderlines do not relate to pain in the same way non's do. If they did, they could not persistently treat their lovers with such careless, cruel abandon."

 

Loved that part from the articles Mack posted. I've struggled for so long to understand what happened and how I got treated the way I did, but surprisingly those 2 sentences summarize it quite well.

[marqueemoon4]

Marquee- I like your pic of the motor bike, they are totally hot. Riding them is alot of fun. Do you ride? I've gone with a club before but there's never any young single guys:(

 

Yes I do ride.. albeit I'm not real interested in riding it lately. They are incredibly fun but obviously pretty dangerous.

 

No young single guys? Strange. If you don't mind me asking how old are you?

[Sugarkane]

I'm 25. Yeah the club I've gone with was people from my dads work and their wives.

[CopingGal]

 

1) Exercise. You need to get out as much as you can. I run and swim everyday and it is having a HUGE positive effect on my life..I find it far better then the gym ever was.

 

2) Spend a few nights a week in a peaceful place. I am very lucky. I live in a beautiful complex with a lit up swimming pool. 3 nights a week I switch off the laptop, turn off the tv and spend 4 hours a night with just sipping tea/coffee overlooking the pool from my balcony. Instead of wondering what my ex is up to, I focus on many negative things she said about me. Some of her criticisms may be harsh, but many times they were valid.

 

I then write down some notes as a way of improving myself based on her feedback, other ex's feedback. Friends feedback and family feedback. Slowly I am creating a picture in my head, of how I can make the changes I need to make. Where I want my life to head towards.

 

3) Drill into yourself that you are your ex are not compatible..I mean DRILL.....This is really helpful when you are feeling low and missing her..

 

4) Read the following books. For codependency read 'The Enabler' and 'Copededent no more'. For relationship communication read 'Why can't you read my mind'..On your obessesing read the book 'how to break your addiction to a person'.

 

5) Focus on your emotional IQ. Read the book 'Go suck a Lemon' and taken this test -> Queendom: personality tests, IQ tests, mind games, love tests, career tests before and after you read Go suck a lemon..Pretty amazing relevations which help YOU..

 

 

You have a lot of good stuff here. I went to the website and I marked it.

 

Speaking of personality, there are few types of people I will definitely stay away from. People with:

 

-Antisocial Personality Disorder (sociopathic) dominant traits

-Borderline Personalty Disorder dominant traits

-Histrionic Personality Disorder dominant traits

-Narcissitic Personality Disorder dominant traits

-Schizotypal Personality Disorder dominant traits

-Paranoid Personality Disorder dominant traits

-Schizoid Personality Disorder dominant traits

 

We all have traits of personality disorders. But when these traits are STRONG, dominant, I have to stay away. I've been through enough. Even worse is when they have the disorder. Most people just have traits though, but again, when they are dominant...when they strongly define the person, watch the f out! It's awful being in relationships with people that have these dominant traits especially Antisocial Personality Disorder (Sociopathic Personality Disorder), Narcissitc Personality Disorder, and Borderline Personality Diorder. Those are the worse of the worse.

[marqueemoon4]

Obviously everyone wants to avoid falling for someone with any combination of the disorders you've listed... unfortunately identifying these traits can be difficult. I honestly have no idea if my exW has any of these personality disorders.. or myself for that matter. All I know is her issues and my issues weren't compatible the 2.5yrs we were married.

[CopingGal]

With Antisocial Personality Disorder, the person covers them up with lies and doing things behind the persons back. I studied psychology for years and did not know I was dating someone with those dominant traits until the couple's counselor had told me. By the time I found out, he had already done his damaged and proceeded to continue you to do more damage to me and not feel sorry about it one bit. I'm glad he is somebody else's problem now. I really feel sorry for his son and the woman he is with now!

[CopingGal]

Obviously everyone wants to avoid falling for someone with any combination of the disorders you've listed... unfortunately identifying these traits can be difficult. I honestly have no idea if my exW has any of these personality disorders.. or myself for that matter. All I know is her issues and my issues weren't compatible the 2.5yrs we were married.

 

You can research the traits online. With Borderline Personality traits....these people have very stormy relationships. There is a lot of manipulation going on. The person looks at you as an angel sometimes, and a devil another time. Their actions in response to the way they feel are WAY over the top. It is very, very difficult to have a relationship with people in the Cluster B category (Antisocial Personality Disorder, Narcissitic Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Histrionic Personality Disorder) who have the disorder or strong traits.

[marqueemoon4]

oh believe me, I've read up on all of them... unfortunately its way too late. good news is next time around I'm not going to overlook red flags.

[CopingGal]

oh believe me, I've read up on all of them... unfortunately its way too late. good news is next time around I'm not going to overlook red flags.

 

Yeah, me too. Next time, I'm going to journal, journal, JOURNAL:) about the man I am seeing. That should help me recognize red flags.

[Mack05]

You have a lot of good stuff here. I went to the website and I marked it.

 

Speaking of personality, there are few types of people I will definitely stay away from. People with:

 

-Antisocial Personality Disorder (sociopathic) dominant traits

-Borderline Personalty Disorder dominant traits

-Histrionic Personality Disorder dominant traits

-Narcissitic Personality Disorder dominant traits

-Schizotypal Personality Disorder dominant traits

-Paranoid Personality Disorder dominant traits

-Schizoid Personality Disorder dominant traits

 

We all have traits of personality disorders. But when these traits are STRONG, dominant, I have to stay away. I've been through enough. Even worse is when they have the disorder. Most people just have traits though, but again, when they are dominant...when they strongly define the person, watch the f out! It's awful being in relationships with people that have these dominant traits especially Antisocial Personality Disorder (Sociopathic Personality Disorder), Narcissitc Personality Disorder, and Borderline Personality Diorder. Those are the worse of the worse.

 

I honestly don't know if my last two ex's had BPD. I know they definitely had Borderline pathology, which as you said coping gal are some strong behavioural traits exhibited from the disorder. Both relationships have left me emotionally, mentally and even physically drained. My ex's would feel the same way about me.

 

I know the key to avoiding such relationships in future, is to make sure I am truly happy within myself, to be self aware and to educate myself on what their issues are, but far more importantly the real extent of what my issues are.

 

I am so confused about my last relationship and have so many unanswered questions. I am not sure, if she is a genuinely good person. I am not sure if she is a liar and/or a manipulator. I am not sure if she ever had real feelings for me. Why within two weeks she wanted to reconnect in the future, to totally hating my guts and blanking me from her life.

 

The happier I am becoming in myself to more easier it is to gain acceptance that not only will I never get these answers, they are not important. By truly letting go coping gal, it free's you to focus solely on yourself. Like Marquee, you are so full of resentment. The longer you hold onto this resentment the more the problem becomes you and not your ex. Harbouring resentment is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die.

 

If you don't heal in the right way, if you continue to focus on him and remain bitter, you won't learn the lessons you need to learn to avoid these kind of relationships in future. In another thread you wrote what you were hoping for in your next relationship. That just won't magically happen. If you were attracted to your ex (who seems like a £^&&***) there are also probably issues with you too. If you want what you crave, you need to put the hard work in on you and forget and even forgive your ex (google forgiveness and the positive effect it has on your life). I know how hard it is. Today is my worst day so far. Emotion winning over the logic. Going to turn laptop off now and spend a few hours in my own company. Its hard just to sit with these uncomfortable feelings, but that is what I am going to do.

 

Very soon I will leave LS. LS is a great site. People should come here for support and vent when they suffer a broken heart. But its of my opinion, this should be no longer then 2-3 months. If you are here longer venting about your ex, you are seriously hindering your own progress. Your own healing is crucial to your future success. People that remain negative and bitter will not meet the right person. People who are positive, who learn and heal in the right way end up meeting the right person from them. Instead they meet people like their ex's and wonder 'why'. I want to live my life with positivity. I want my dream girl. I've asked god for that, but it just won't happen. I need to help myself. Just like everyone on this great site needs to do. I wish you well coping gal..

Edited April 2, 2012 by Mack05

[CopingGal]

Thanks. Yes I am very bitter. But overall, I am much better. For some reason, I have been very bitter these past few days. Overall, my anger is going down and I'm feeling a lot of pity for him.

 

Yes, I have issues and I am working on them. I am purposely staying out of relationships so I can work on myself. I went back to school, I read self help books, I'm trying to eat better.

 

OVerall I am better, but I have some periods in which I am still very, very angry.

[Exit]

CopingGal I'm right there with you. Starting to slowly feel better about things but I have some bitterness and anger that has still been bubbling up lately.

 

I applaud you for staying out of relationships for now, as am I. Many people would rather dull the pain by finding someone else to date. I think we're taking the "high road" so to speak by really trying to work out some issues first.

 

Hope things get better for you.

[CopingGal]

Mack05 and Exit, thank you both for your comments. Mack05, I thought a lot about what you were saying and I have decided it is time for me to work on forgiveness. Earlier today, I was full of so much anger, I sat at my computer and cried. I broke NC and sent my ex an email telling him I am going to work on forgiveness for the many things he has done to me, which I listed (some of them). I also told him that he was dead to me. I called him and he asked me to call him back at 8pm. I said okay and I hung up on him.

 

Eight o'clock came and went and I did not call him. My ex cannot call me, as I blocked him on my landline. My roommate has threatened to call the police if my ex calls for me one more time on his phone. Maybe he tried to call on the landline, maybe he did not. But I had to get out that rage. So I did it in an email.

 

I'm so glad I never called him back. I feel better now that I let it out and now I want to work on forgiveness. I went to some websites and I asked my roommate to pick up some books for me at the library tomorrow on forgiveness. Tomorrow I start doing deep breathing and meditating again.

 

I asked myself, why would I want to speak to an abuser? That is why I did not call him back.

 

I'm ready to at least try to let a large part of this rage go. Thank you Mack05 for your post. And thank you Exit for continuing to help me through this tough time.

 

He is still dead to me though. As far as I am concerned, he no longer exists. I don't know if I will feel the same way once I forgive him. But I do know that I cannot have him in my life in any way.

 

I can't have someone in my life who did so much damage to me and then thought it was funny. I pity him for his lack of conscience. I pity him that he thinks he is justified to change my status from girlfriend to back-up girlfriend and give the status of girlfriend to a STRANGER and not even tell me any of that...to use me like a pawn on a chess board, to tell me that during the time he did this and began to cheat on me, that he loved me. I truly pity someone who is so dysfunctional that he could do those things and see nothing wrong with that...to think it's okay to make me physically sick...to think that it is not only okay, but acceptable. I truly, honest to goodness feel that someone who is that dysfunctional truly, truly is in need of psychiatric help and is very, very lost.

[marqueemoon4]

I obviously don't know what happened in your r/l Coping Gal.. your ex really may be the awful "abuser" you say he is. If he was I sincerely feel for you.. obviously you're in a lot of pain because of the whole thing.

 

What struck me about your last post was the word "abuser". This is a serious label to throw on somebody. Again, he may truly have been that. I do know my exW has labeled me as that (unjustly in my eyes) and its incredibly hurtful. I also don't think its a cut/dried thing. Sure, its easy when someone decides they don't want to be with someone anymore to throw accusations like this around to justify their actions, but on the flip side the damage it can do to someone is exponential.

 

I have come clean to her, my family, friends, and these boards as to the big mistakes I made, and things I did to hurt my ex. I've admitted that I was indeed verbally abusive at times, and that the day she left there was a physical confrontation. I remember last year I confronted her and said "you're a liar and a cheater" after finding out that she had indeed cheated on me for months before she left (to this day never has admitted it) and she came back with "you're an abuser".

 

She cheated and the truth came out. She and my son were living with another "man" a few months after she left. She lied about it over and over. She has lied about countless things, took money from me she knows she had no business taking, tried to get alimony from me when she was living with this guy and being supported almost 100% by him. I'm sure in her warped, twisted mind she justifies all HER horrible behavior on the fact that I'm an "abuser". Well, I'm sorry thats just not true. We had problems for sure.. but from MY perspective things were fairly peaceful and respectful at least 90% of the time. And again, this person REFUSES to take any responsibility for what SHE did to contribute to these things. Always the victim. She's taken the role of a martyr, thrown me under the bus and painted me as black as humanly possible. This is the defnition of immaturity.

 

I guess I shouldn't be surprised as she is 30 and I am 42.. also the dysfunctional background she came from explains alot. Now she is pregnant and engaged to some other man. She is redoing everything we did, with a different person and our son in tow. She is an "adult" so she can do what she wants, no matter how f-ed up and ridiculous it is. All I wanted was some small amount of appreciation for everything I did for this person for 8yrs, it was ALOT and was well above and beyond what most people would do for someone else. I did it because I loved her and wanted the best for her. I did try to change her, but in mind it was for the better. I realize now that was a huge mistake and I should've loved her for what she was and been more accepting of her.

 

But not only did I never get any appreciation or love returned, I got tricked, cheated on, manipulated, left and labeled an "abuser". I'm sorry, saying some mean things in fights and one physical confrontation that was purposely incited to get a negative reaction out of me does NOT make me an abuser. I didn't label her as an "abuser" even though she punched me square in the face in 2009 during a fight (I walked away and did nothing), not to mention all the emotional abuse she heaped on me over 8yrs.

 

So, in summation.. I sincerely hope that when you label someone as something, realize how deeply it can affect the person in question. Some things are black and white and there is no getting around them. You either did it or didn't do it. Other things are not so simple.

[CopingGal]

Thanks for your post. But I believe he really was an abuser in my eyes. He abused me psychologically and emotionally. However, I'm trying to let go. My roommate just left for the library. He will bring back a forgiveness book I told him about.

 

I believe he deserves this label, and I gave it to him over the phone one day a long time ago. Believe me, he does not feel bad about that label. He thinks my pain is funny and silly.

 

 

 

"Psychological abuse, also referred to as emotional abuse or mental abuse, is a form of abuse characterized by a person subjecting or exposing another to behavior that may result in psychological trauma, including anxiety, chronic depression, or post-traumatic stress disorder"

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychological_abuse

 

 

 

Sorry you went through so much. You said she punched you. Before that you said you had a physical confrontation. I don't know if that is the same thing you are talking about or if you actually hit her at another time. Never hit a woman unless it's self-defense. I don't think it's right for a woman to hit a man either.

Edited April 3, 2012 by CopingGal

[marqueemoon4]

Her punching me in the face was in 09. The physical confrontation between her and I was in May 10, the day she left for good. She started a huge fight for no reason, then told me to go f**k myself. I, stupidly, walked up to her and said "I'm sorry did you say something"? She then proceeded to get in my face saying things like "oooooh what are you gonna do tough guy, I dare you to do something" over and over. I should've just walked away but I kicked her in the tush. She got in my face again saying do it again do it again I dare you etc etc. I did it again. She took our son (who was sleeping in the other room) and left.

 

I never laid a hand on her in 8yrs, nor did I ever threaten her or keep her from leaving or doing anything she wanted to. I'm not a violent person at all. Later when I talked to the Private Investigator who documented her adultery he told me women do this alot.. when they want out of a marriage they purposely try to push all your buttons to try and get an out of character reaction out of you. 9/10 times there is another person waiting in the wings. And of course, later in court she totally embellished the whole thing and made it look 1000x worse than it was. My lawyer asked her about punching me in the face and she said "he was in my face" (yet another lie). It was all premediated, and a total setup. I realize that physical contact between couples is totally wrong on either side, and believe me, I regret I did that, but I'm sorry, it doesn't make me an abuser. By her logic she's an abuser as well.

[marqueemoon4]

Its interesting to me that at every step of the way my predictions and everyone elses have been flat out wrong. I have never seen someone "move on" so quickly and make such huge, life changing, permanent decisions with no regard for the other people involved (myself, our son). I still maintain that my feelings for my sons mother are the way "normal" human beings should feel. No matter what awful things have transpired between us the last few years, she did give me the greatest gift-- my son. And on the flip side he wouldn't exist if it wasn't for me as well. I guess that means nothing to her.