mrobinso Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 We've been dating close to 2 years and engaged since last august, and now that our marriage is essentially inevitable her parents want to take a week-long fishing vacation in what is essentially a swamp without me. I talked to her about it and she seems set on going because they want her to come along and she wants to "please her parents". I don't really feel comfortable with it personally, we have been living together for probably more than a year now (back and forth between both of our parent's houses since we are both in college) and I feel like we are family and if the situation were reversed and my parents asked me to go on a vacation without her I would decline them. I'm not concerned about her cheating or anything of the sort, but because they are going to a swamp and fishing out of a boat I feel somewhat concerned for her safety on top of it feeling like I'm being abandoned. I'm going to end up letting her go and just trying to find a way to take my mind off of it for the week (since there really isn't anything I can do about it anyways). Making it even more complicated is that when her older sister was engaged to her current husband they took a similar trip with just her to the beach, so now a "family-only" vacation is ingrained in family tradition. So my question is: Am I being unreasonable by being upset and worried about her going on a vacation without me? I'm kind of on the borderline, feeling like my emotions are somewhat unfounded, that they just want one last vacation with her, but at the same time I feel betrayed to an extent, like she's choosing her parents over me. I guess either way much alcohol will be consumed on my part. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 You are being way too unreasonable. It is her family - people she has had a relationship a lot longer with than she has with you. And they have already established this as a family tradition so why should she make waves with her family to appease you? If she were going to a weekend in Vegas with a bunch of girlfriends, you should feel abandoned and she should decline, but in a SWAMP with family? I would investigate why you feel so insecure in your relationship that if -- as you say, marriage is inevitable -- why being apart from her for such a short time is bothering you so much? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 You are being way too unreasonable. It is her family - people she has had a relationship a lot longer with than she has with you. And they have already established this as a family tradition so why should she make waves with her family to appease you? If she were going to a weekend in Vegas with a bunch of girlfriends, you should feel abandoned and she should decline, but in a SWAMP with family? I would investigate why you feel so insecure in your relationship that if -- as you say, marriage is inevitable -- why being apart from her for such a short time is bothering you so much? +1 I think Carrie is right on track... Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 I wanted to add something... If you were both married then I think some of your thoughts might carry more weight.. You don't become a member of a family until then, even though many families like my own vacation with spouses and BF-GF's alike many also don't and only invite family. I hope you can work this out in your head and hopefully you won't let this become a wedge between you both.. A month from now you won't even remember that she went to the Swamp... Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 No kidding! What's the problem with her going on a vacation without you, with her parents? Link to post Share on other sites
Author mrobinso Posted February 16, 2012 Author Share Posted February 16, 2012 You guys are probably absolutely right, which is why I said in the post that I was partially leaning toward it being unreasonable, but at least if she was in vegas with girlfriends she wouldn't be out in a small boat in an alligator infested swamp.. (and yes, this place is definitely alligator infested, not exaggerating). At least if I were there I would be in the same boat and not worried about her for the whole week. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 I'm curious, for folks who never get married, as a lifestyle choice, when does one become 'family'? ETA, regarding the sister, are they married now and, if so, is her husband going on the fishing trip? Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 my two cents: Even if I don't care for my husband to spend huge amounts of time with his family because, let's face it, they're all alcoholics and they only encourage bad behavior, I still tell him to spend time alone with them, because they need to be with him as their brother (and when his mom was alive, helping him see that he's still her baby boy and that the two of them spending time alone was the best thing we could do for her). It's about letting your honey know that you understand her family is important to her, and because she's important to you, you'll encourage her to do things just with her parents, or her siblings. and because you love her, you'll give her parents that selfless gift: Uninterrupted time with their little one, because no matter how old she gets, she's still their baby Link to post Share on other sites
Author mrobinso Posted February 16, 2012 Author Share Posted February 16, 2012 Yes the sister and the guy married. I'm pretty sure its not a "YOU SHALL NOT MARRY THAT IDIOT" type family trip =D. I guess to break it down the things that bother me about it in descending order are: 1) I won't be there and if something goes wrong I won't be able be able to do anything about it. Fishing out of a small boat can be pretty dangerous.. even without alligators to scold any mistakes 2) There is somewhat of an inherent 'not part of the family' element to it. I understand that she has been their little girl for near 21 years, but as I said in my original post, my family considers her every bit as much family as I am, we've been on multiple vacations with her along. With this vacation the problem isn't that I can't go, its that they don't want me to go and I'm essentially not invited. This is probably the most unreasonable part of why I'm not exactly happy about it. 3) We are both full time students on top of having part-time jobs, this vacation is going on over spring break (probably the most significant time we could spend together until summer), and it will basically cut me out of being able to spend any time with her over the break. I'm not at all ashamed to admit I'll miss the hell out of her, I don't think we've been apart for an entire week since we started dating. (our parents literally live less than a mile away from one another, we live together but swap houses occasionally. ) I'm not going to try to stop her from going, I was really looking for outside opinions on whether or not my feelings on it are merited. As to carrie's comment on "I would investigate why you feel so insecure in your relationship that if -- as you say, marriage is inevitable -- why being apart from her for such a short time is bothering you so much?" We are pretty much entirely decided on getting married, and we've worked through alot of problems within co-habitation. In the past we have even considered going ahead and doing it at a court house, but we figure that would be unfair to our families and I suspect that she would like a real wedding. As to why her being apart for a week bothers me I assure you I'm not concerned about whether or not she would be faithful, she would. It's more just a product of I haven't been away from her for that long before and don't suspect it will be a pleasant experience. If it was for work or something that's one thing, but the separation is intentional in this case. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 I don't see anything wrong with her parents wanting a family trip with just the 3 of them. Afterall, that will be the last trip they do as a family before she marries you. I'm sure if anything goes wrong (on the boat) her father is more than capable of handling it. Let her enjoy herself. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 She's only 20 and a student? My guess is that she is young enough for her family to still see her as their little girl, and you are not yet part of the family (IF you ever are, as you comment about being "pretty much" decided to marry casts some doubt on the issue). Are you really that worried about her safety? Link to post Share on other sites
Author mrobinso Posted February 16, 2012 Author Share Posted February 16, 2012 She's only 20 and a student? My guess is that she is young enough for her family to still see her as their little girl, and you are not yet part of the family (IF you ever are, as you comment about being "pretty much" decided to marry casts some doubt on the issue). Are you really that worried about her safety? Whether or not we're getting married isn't really the topic of discussion here, nor do you know enough about our relationship to address it. We've been engaged for half a year now and would probably have married already social and monetary factors aside. Perhaps her family doesn't feel like I'm part of the family, although that's probably not the case since we have both lived there on and off for a year or so (the other part of the time we are at my house), but SHE and ME consider each other family, and that's really the most important factor. I've decided that it's unreasonable for me to be upset about it or object. For those who have mentioned I should 'let' her go that was never an issue (we're not in a one sided relationship, neither of us wear the proverbial pants). Thank everyone you for your insights, I feel a good bit better about it now =). Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 Whether or not we're getting married isn't really the topic of discussion here, nor do you know enough about our relationship to address it. We've been engaged for half a year now and would probably have married already social and monetary factors aside. Perhaps her family doesn't feel like I'm part of the family, although that's probably not the case since we have both lived there on and off for a year or so (the other part of the time we are at my house), but SHE and ME consider each other family, and that's really the most important factor. I've decided that it's unreasonable for me to be upset about it or object. For those who have mentioned I should 'let' her go that was never an issue (we're not in a one sided relationship, neither of us wear the proverbial pants). Thank everyone you for your insights, I feel a good bit better about it now =). I think when you brought up feeling abandoned by her leaving for a week, that raised some flags with posters about the relationship and your security in it. Glad you came to realize your unreasonable feelings about it. Link to post Share on other sites
wild wolf Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 (edited) Wow. Her family isn't going to let her get eaten by gators in the swamp. She (and you) are very young. Why is it strange that her family wants to take a vacay without you? Sounds possessive to me and if my man told me I could not go visit my fam without him or that it made him nervous.. major red flag. I am sure you are concerened for her saftey no matter what (bonus points) but time apart is an awesome thing for any relationship. In a few days, I am going to see my family 800 miles away for 2 weeks and leave the man at home, no big to either of us. You both still have seperate lives. Are you not close to your family? Maybe the thought of spending time with them and not have her along seems uncomfortable and strange if you are not as close to your parents as she is to hers. I think this is something to let go. Marriage is hard, but great. There will be times she will want to be with the family and its not a bad thing. Take this whole vacay as a chance to take some time for youself for some soul searching or just doing guy stuff. Enjoy it and you will be that much more happy when she returns. She won't want to be on vacay thinking that you are miserable without her, guilt trip. Best of luck! Edited February 17, 2012 by wild wolf Link to post Share on other sites
setsenia Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 She's only 20 and a student? My guess is that she is young enough for her family to still see her as their little girl, and you are not yet part of the family (IF you ever are, as you comment about being "pretty much" decided to marry casts some doubt on the issue). Are you really that worried about her safety? I agree, being 20 and a student has no bearing on the matter. I was 19 and a student when I got married, but I was very mature for my age. Everyone is different so the person's age should not be factored into the issue. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 I agree, being 20 and a student has no bearing on the matter. I was 19 and a student when I got married, but I was very mature for my age. Everyone is different so the person's age should not be factored into the issue. I think age is DEFINATELY part of the issue. I really don't think a 30 year old man would be starting a thread about feeling abandoned at his fiance going on a family trip for a week without him. When I was engaged to my husband I went to the beach for a week with my family (I was 28) and my husband didn't bat an eyelash or give it a second thought. That's not to say that he isn't commited to his relationship or is too young to get married..it just means that maybe he is not considering that they are still young and her family probably sees them as so. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
setsenia Posted February 18, 2012 Share Posted February 18, 2012 I guess I must have missed the fact that he was 30. In that case, that is a bigger deal since since she's younger. Maybe not if she was 30 and he 40. My husband parents were actually 19 and 29 when they got married and it did seem like a big difference at the time. (She got pregnant and they moved up the wedding). She was young, had many childhood issues and he was older, had a career and more financially stable, hence my husband's father ending up raising him when they got divorced a year or two later. But yeah, as a 30 year old, you should be past the jealousy and insecurity sage unless she gives you a reason to feel that way. In this case, there is no need to feel that way over her parents taking her on a trip. Link to post Share on other sites
sanctun Posted February 18, 2012 Share Posted February 18, 2012 Let her do her thing,I would trust her since its her family and not a guy 'friend' Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted February 18, 2012 Share Posted February 18, 2012 I guess I must have missed the fact that he was 30. In that case, that is a bigger deal since since she's younger. Maybe not if she was 30 and he 40. My husband parents were actually 19 and 29 when they got married and it did seem like a big difference at the time. (She got pregnant and they moved up the wedding). She was young, had many childhood issues and he was older, had a career and more financially stable, hence my husband's father ending up raising him when they got divorced a year or two later. But yeah, as a 30 year old, you should be past the jealousy and insecurity sage unless she gives you a reason to feel that way. In this case, there is no need to feel that way over her parents taking her on a trip. No, I don't think the OP is 30. He didn't mention his age I don't think, but he mentioned that he is a full time student as well with a part time job so my assumption would be that he is young as well. So when I said age is a factor in this thread, I meant that it appears the OP feels that he is more mature then he is really is. It's not all THAT surprising that a young college student would feel abandonded at his 20 year old fiance going on a family vacation, which speaks a lot of his age and maturity level. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts