2sunny Posted February 24, 2012 Share Posted February 24, 2012 I have worked since the time I was 10 years old. It has value - learning to support self. IF - what your Dad is offering has control and strings attached that you don't like - simply tell him no. He offered - albeit on HIS terms - you can say no. Keeping track of all those little resentments is bound to make you feel terrible. I'd work on getting rid of your anger. Dad wants to see you - so make it a point to go over and spend an hour or so catching up. IF he brings up Mom - tell him talking about Mom is off limits. Ask HIM how HE'S doing. Be interested in HIS life. It's really NOT about the movie tickets...ya know? Link to post Share on other sites
Author setsenia Posted February 24, 2012 Author Share Posted February 24, 2012 when this young lady was 17 years old she was doing overnights with her now husband at her moms house. He was 23. Sorry if I was her dad I would not pay for this 28 year olds movie ticket either. I also neglected to mention he married a 24 year old when he was 44, when I was 17 and my brother was 21. He has no legs to stand on as far as that matter is concerned. Now he is currently dating someone who appears to be even younger than my husband. Link to post Share on other sites
Author setsenia Posted February 24, 2012 Author Share Posted February 24, 2012 I have worked since the time I was 10 years old. It has value - learning to support self. IF - what your Dad is offering has control and strings attached that you don't like - simply tell him no. He offered - albeit on HIS terms - you can say no. Keeping track of all those little resentments is bound to make you feel terrible. I'd work on getting rid of your anger. Dad wants to see you - so make it a point to go over and spend an hour or so catching up. IF he brings up Mom - tell him talking about Mom is off limits. Ask HIM how HE'S doing. Be interested in HIS life. It's really NOT about the movie tickets...ya know? You bring up good points. Although I don't ask too much about his life, because he will bring up his date of the week who is usually only a few years older than me and then proceed to talk to me about his sex life. Yes, very disturbing... Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted February 24, 2012 Share Posted February 24, 2012 It IS his life- IF you need to judge him so harshly and you don't like what you see - there's no reason to be involved with him. If someone (even family) brought me that much negativity and I'll feelings - I would no longer participate. Link to post Share on other sites
Author setsenia Posted February 24, 2012 Author Share Posted February 24, 2012 I try not to be involved with him due to that and many other reasons. I don't really care what he does, but telling your daughter details about your sex life is inappropriate. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted February 24, 2012 Share Posted February 24, 2012 So tell him you don't want to hear about it. Set your boundary and stick to it! If he offers to pay for YOU to go to the movie - that means he wants to see you without your spouse. You either say yes or no. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted February 25, 2012 Share Posted February 25, 2012 I am surprised that two posters on here have judged the OP, actually. First mentioning her history with her now-husband as an excuse for her father's potentially rude behavior and saying that SHE was judging HIM because she countered with the point that he had no business JUDGING HER about her sex life. Of course it is more then about movie tickets. It's about the context behind them. Is it controlling behavior? Maybe. It depends on the context of the other things he has done as well. If it was all about spending time with her, HE could have simply said: I'll pay for you because I want to see my girl. I don't mind having whatshisname along but if he comes, he should pay his own way." Especially when it's such a blatant lie that he "can't afford it." If he uses money as a tool to exclude, that's not appropriate from A father to a daughter. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author setsenia Posted February 25, 2012 Author Share Posted February 25, 2012 (edited) dreamingoftigers, exactly! That's the problem with my dad. He'll beat around the bush until I'm forced to ask who is "everyone" he's inviting. Maybe he's trying to be passive aggressive, but as many people pointed out, if he's really just wanting "time with his children", he needs to say that first and foremost before he invites us. But no, I have to ask who's invited and then that's when he says our parner/spouses pay for themselves. LOL. He could easily get out of this issue by stipulating "time with children" before putting out the invitation. But his problem is that he never says "who's invited" and I hate always having to clarify that with him. I think it could be controlling behavior. No matter who my brother and I are with, he will find a fault in whomever we choose to be with. With my brother's girlfriend, it's because she's overweight, a bit of a drama queen and not college educated. With my husband, it's because he's not ripped and burly with a striking 6 figure income and because he is shy. Those are not good reasons to have a problem with someone's spouse. My dad is very vain and always will be. Edited February 25, 2012 by setsenia Link to post Share on other sites
Author setsenia Posted February 26, 2012 Author Share Posted February 26, 2012 (edited) His mother had a baby at 20 and didn't know how to be a mother, so she let his father raise him. Obviously his mother's own problems have nothing to do with him. It's sad you have to bring up irrelevant issues to support your viewpoint. Edited February 26, 2012 by setsenia Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted February 26, 2012 Share Posted February 26, 2012 It's called shaming. She Wants to show you that your husband is "defective" or of "low character" so that it makes your fathers attitude and behavior right. Because "he's the parent and everyone should respect him because he can do no wrong." I had no idea my mother-in-law knew how to use the Internet. Unfortunately sometimes Shamers only get the context when it is directed back at them. Of course, the fact that your father doesn't want to pay for your husband's movie ticket has everything to do with the fact that his mother couldn't raise him. Makes sense, right? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted February 26, 2012 Share Posted February 26, 2012 setsensia you may have a different viewpoint when you have a college bound 17 year old girl and a 23 year old comes sniffing around. My first bf was 22, I was 16. He was respectful etc. Not pushy or overtly sexual with me. He had maturity issues but was probably the 2nd best guy I dated overall and certainly not a "bad" guy or a "creep." I was his first girlfriend, he was a late bloomer. Rather harmless actually. We were together 1.5 years and he wanted to get married but I wasn't ready. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted February 26, 2012 Share Posted February 26, 2012 State what default to use. As in - assume only his kids are always invited every time ...unless he states specifically who else is invited. That way - you can say yes or no with the assumption is the invite excludes your significant other. Stop asking him a question when it's obvious he intends to see you and not your spouse. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Feliciti Posted March 8, 2012 Share Posted March 8, 2012 Correct me if I'm wrong, but I have always been of the belief that family is family, and a spouse is an "add-on" to said family - Not part of it. I have little to no contact with my family since a couple of months ago due to some very serious issues, so I'm basically without a family. My new "family" do invite me sometimes, mostly because I'm still new (Started this Christmas), but most of the time when they go dining or similar, I'm excluded despite living with him. And that's understandable - They are his family. If his brother wants to go see a movie with him, he doesn't want me to come along, because I'd doubtlessly take a chunk of his attention, no matter how much that is. If his father wants some father/son time with him, and wants to have dinner with him, he doesn't want me along either, for the exact same reason. And attention isn't the only issue. I love caring for children, and they are even more obvious than adults. My boyfriends 8-year old daughter is incredibly easy to talk to, when her father isn't around. Only when her father isn't around. She is still very talkative, but there are a whole bunch of stuff she'd never talk about while he is around. Your dad is no doubt the same. Why is that hard to understand? If your spouse has even the tiniest bit of understanding, she'd understand too, and be perfectly fine with it. Her family probably feels the same way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author setsenia Posted March 8, 2012 Author Share Posted March 8, 2012 (edited) Umm, if you were reading my posts, this is actually about my husband, he, not she. I actually have no issue with my husband distracting me when it comes to my family. If my dad wants time with just his kids, all he has to do is say so. But he doesn't and there have been times where he's asked where my husband is. So...I was like "Um okay, you said it like you were only inviting me and my brother?" It doesn't make a lot of sense. If I come alone, he wonders where my husband is. And then when I want to bring my husband, he says he pays for himself like he wasn't invited. Seems manipulative. The traditional marriage idea is that once you are married, you become family. Hence "giving away the bride" and clinging to him and his family after marriage. My husband's father's family has always treated everyone and their spouses like family. If you are dating and just living together, that's a whole different story. Edited March 8, 2012 by setsenia Link to post Share on other sites
Feliciti Posted March 8, 2012 Share Posted March 8, 2012 Perhaps so. I just know my boyfriends ex-wife wasn't invited to more than half of their family get-togethers either. Not even on Christmas, much to the chargrin of their poor daughter. But of course, if he wonders why you didn't bring him, but pays for you, but not him... That does indeed sound a bit odd. I guess he doesn't feel obliged to pay for someone that isn't a direct blood relation to him. Uncle Scrouge isn't just a fictional personality. These types of people do exist in the real world too. Even if he earns a lot of money, and doesn't have all that many expenses, he could have a million reasons for not spending his money carelessly. Better retirement, fear of losing his current lifestyle of skiing and whatever else he may enjoy, or outright bankrupcy. It's not always obvious why people do what they do. And sorry for the mix-up, I confused myself a bit there >.< Link to post Share on other sites
Author setsenia Posted March 8, 2012 Author Share Posted March 8, 2012 Oh wow, that's terrible. A movie or casual "family time" with just the kids is one thing, but not general family get together's and even Christmas? Do you have to deal with that in regards to his family also? Good point about skiing. I really want to get a chance to go skiing this winter before the snow dries up, but that's the thing, it costs a fortune and my husband and I just don't have the money until he goes back to work. My dad actually went bankrupt a few years back...maxed out many credit cards by remodeling his house. Link to post Share on other sites
Feliciti Posted March 8, 2012 Share Posted March 8, 2012 Oh wow, that's terrible. A movie or casual "family time" with just the kids is one thing, but not general family get together's and even Christmas? Do you have to deal with that in regards to his family also? I do. That's the custom. My family was anti-social idiots who neither families wanted to have anything to do with, but they keep it strictly to the family. Generally goes like : Grand parents - Children - Grandchildren, while obviously varying when the Grandchildren is there in most cases. It may seem wrong to some, but that's a norm for others. Living in Denmark probably means our customs vary from yours, so our point of views differ. I just don't see it all that wrong to prioritize your family higher than "newcomers". I don't have much to compare to, but that seems to be pretty standard stuff in Denmark at least. Even marriages doesn't seem to change that. But still, assuming you bring him along is pretty weird if he doesn't want to pay. Especially if you cannot afford it, and he knows this. Link to post Share on other sites
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