I don't know what to put as a title.

[beautifulearth83]

I could really use some help. Something has been going on with me for almost 2 years since my last break-up, and I don't know what to do about it.

 

I connected with my ex-girlfriend on a very high level. We were in bliss. We spoke of our souls and life and death. I told her everything. It didn't even feel like we were in a relationship. We were one.

 

On the level of emotions, mind and practical matters, we did not get along so well. It ended horribly. But I haven't had that closure, 2 years later. I feel split in half.

 

It is like there is this energy field in me that is looking for her. Half of my body, head and face feel different than the other. In way, I think that I made her my other half. I became dependent.

 

When that was gone, I hit rock bottom and I have felt small ever since. No confidence, no sex drive and I rarely feel love for life and others. Should all of this really depend on another person?

 

Before we met, I was content on my own, and I wonder if I'll ever be that way again. I used to feel intelligent, loving and in touch, but ever since feeling to beaten down and misunderstood, it's like I'm in High School again, but worse, because I'm not in High School. I'm 28 years old.

 

This isn't about pointing the finger and making her wrong. I would like to get to a point where I am full of forgiveness and compassion. I would like to experience acceptance of myself and wholeness that is not dependent on others. Is that realistic?

 

I'm just so afraid that it's never going to get better.

[beautifulearth83]

Anybody? I'm open to blunt responses.

[ptp]

Should this depend on another person? Absolutely not.

 

I maybe the wrong person to answer this because, I don't see relationships as 2 people becoming 1 or any souls in the after life etc...

 

Couldn't it just be you met someone who you thought would be a long term partner and it just didn't work out? You could meet someone else who is just as suitable.

 

Anyway, 2 years is a long time to get over someone and you should have been able to move on. It also sounds like you might be depressed.

 

Do you talk to anybody about how you are feeling? Ever considered going to see a therapist?

[beautifulearth83]

I was seeing a spiritual counselor, but it didn't help much. I'm wondering if seeing a normal counselor would make a difference.

 

I've tried talking to people about it, but at this point I feel like a burden to family and I don't want to bother friends. Besides, I've been having trouble accessing my emotions, so when I speak about it, it feels so repetitive and not so cathartic.

 

I've considered that I may be depressed. I always thought that being depressed felt different, because I have been in the past, but now it's at a point where I'm thinking it's possible that I'm so depressed that I don't even realize it.

 

I have moments where I think that happiness is on it's way, but I lose it easily. I feel reluctant to take pills and have been trying herbal supplements. Although I'm thinking perhaps St. John's Wort may not be enough.

[beautifulearth83]

I think I really do have trouble standing on my own two feet. I have all kinds of people telling me who I am and it really doesn't help. I am grateful for it, but there is this part of me that just feels so underdeveloped. So many times in life I haven't asserted myself or stood my ground. I don't feel like I own the space that my being occupies, if that makes sense. I don't feel like I have a private internal world and anything to myself really. It's strange.

 

I appreciate your response.

[ptp]

You know I am not a big believer in alternative medicines mainly because it is hard to know what you are actually getting. Are you getting in St. John's Wort? Who knows? It is impossible to know how much medicine you are actually getting in each dose because it isn't controlled by the FDA.

 

I think it is great that you can identify a big source of your problem. If you feel that parts of you are undeveloped, what are they? You can work on them.

 

Have you considered going to talk to a professional? You may or may not be dealing with depression, but if you are it is hard to fix it on your own.

 

Everybody needs help sometimes. IMO the biggest thing is that you are able to identify at least some source of your problems.

 

I am right around your age, and I certainly feel parts of me are undeveloped. A lot of that has to do with how I was brought up, my lack of experience and my parents. So it isn't that uncommon. I sometimes feel like I have 21 year old's mindset when it comes to specific areas.

[beautifulearth83]

Things have unfolded a bit more today. I received a phone call from my Mother near the end of work and I went into an old reactive pattern. It is where I literally feel like a little boy in a man's body. I want to tell her to leave me alone and to let me do my own thing. What she called about was relatively harmless, but it's gotten to the point where I almost react automatically.

 

I have become submissive to others and have the desire to stand on my own two feet. I believe I could be happy in my home town, but it is often that I'm babied here. I don't blame anyone else, and I'm in fact a little sad that it's taken this long for me to realize. It's like I become a completely different person.

 

So a lot of the issues that I have with my ex and others are due to the fact that I feel small from not asserting myself in this life. I don't know how to stand up to my own Mother. My ex was the first person that I really felt like a Man with, so it is that part of myself that I miss, not her. Although I could argue some reasons why I miss her as well, because she was truly amazing, but moving on.

 

So after a fairly good day, I drove home in angst and suppressed anger. It is a complete split inside me, because being angry at my Mother doesn't feel good. I don't hate her. I don't want to become an jerk. But at the same time, I'm cheating myself out of the freedom to be me, to be in my own power, to embrace myself and express myself.

 

I'm 28 years old. Being a good boy and doing the right thing isn't going to get me a job, or a girlfriend or the creative energy and focus to carry things out.

 

As mentioned, I suppose it is good that I'm able to identify these things, but I don't yet know how to implement them as a kind person, in a wholesome way, without punching a hole through the wall.

 

I've also been having issues with my Brother who is getting married. Now I'm able to see that it has a lot to do with the fact that I feel inferior to him, as he has been making the right steps to stand his ground. I, however had made mistakes in the past which caused me too much guilt and fear to stand on my own feet because I felt I had dues to pay, so I really leaned on my friends and family in kind of a desperate way.

 

So a lot is making sense, which is good. I just don't know how to keep calm and handle those phone calls. I guess we'll see as the come in.