is he doing it again/ how do i cope with my feelings

[kittykat6600]

hello, i am having trouble with my feelings and what to do with them.i posted on here once before about my b/f cheating and how he treats me. but i decided to stay and try to work at it. well, things are really going downhill again. the other day when i came home from work(11:30 at night) he went out saying he was going to his uncles house. i called his cell and he had it shut off( i know the difference between no reception and it being shut off) i left him text messages, he never answered.so i decided to go to his uncles house. HE WASNT THERE!!! his uncle had no idea he was supposed to be there.so i came back home and decided to look through his screen names since my son said the whole time i was at work"daddy didnt talk to me and was on the phone for a long time". well, i got into his screen names(he has 2 and wont get rid of his 1st one for anything) i found nothing on his 2nd sn, the one he goes on when im around, but i found this girls sn, the one he was cheating with before,. he swore he didnt have her sn.well he called around 2 in the morning saying he was at his other friends house and didnt get reception.(a friend i dont know too well)and without telling him at first that i checked his sn, i asked him again if he had her sn, he said no. i told him i know the truth and i wanted him to tell me the truth, he lied again until i told him i got into his sn and found it. then he told me.we fought until 7 in the morning. now he suddenly has a problem kissing me goodbye and saying he LOVES ME, he'll say,LA YA or something like that. he doesnt think anything of the way he hurt me or what little trust i have in him. weve been together for 9 yrs and we just moved together in march with our 4 yrs old. my son is sooooo happy that mommy and daddy and him live together and are a family. i have no physical proof in front of mr but the signs are all there just like they were before. i have no where to go if i leave him.i cant live like this every day anymore, wondering where hes really at and what hes doing and why hes cheating on me. i give him everything he wants and put myself through hell trying to live up to what he wants me to be. i suffer from depression partly b/c of him and he knows how i suffer. im still going through angry fits ,that get very violent and heated and hurtful, from the 1st time he cheated. i dont want to be like this but i dont know how to handle my anger anymore. i love this guy but hes hurt me so much and thinks nothing of it like everything is supposed to just go on the same way. he doesnt respect me or take how i feel about something into consideration. and he thinks its funny when i cry, calling me a crybaby and saying here we go again, just let it go already but it still hurts and stays fresh in my mind. he doesnt care to bulid my trust back in him. i klnow everyone will say to leave him but i cant just get up and leave. how do i start to make myself feel better about myself and let him know he cant do this anymore. what do u guys think, any input would help alot. thanks

[Debster]

I read your other post and everyone told you to leave him. You didn't take their advice (and actually appeared to defend him) and now are back asking for more advice. What is the point? Clearly, you are going to do what you want to do. Is me or anyone else telling you that 'yes, he is a dog' going to help? No. I will advise you to start rebuilding your self esteem and realize that you deserve better.

[kittykat6600]

there is a point. i am asking for help and advice on dealing with my feelings,i dont know how to handle them. i know i need to leave him and i am not trying to defend him. i have been told for so long what to and how to feel and i feel lost and dont know how to handle the anger,depression,hurt, and the love i still feel for him even though he clearly doesnt feel the same. i am aware of this. u r right that there is no point in telling me to leave him or calling him a dog. but thats not what im asking for help with. i am asking for ways to deal with my emotions and feelings. its hard to just get up and leave. we have a kid, i have no where else to go and a job that ,if i decided to go on my own, i wont make enough to make it. i cant just get up and walk away. i have invested 9 years of my life with this guy. i am sorry that i am not as strong willed as others or that i find myself torn about my feelings even though i know his arent the same.but i still need advice and comapnionship of others who are or have gone through similar situations. i know i deserve better. thats what ive been trying to get him to see. i want him to be that better person. but i can see he doesnt care to be. i know all this, thats why i dont want anyone else telling me.i just need some feedback as to different ways to help myself deal with this crap

[kittykat6600]

i asked for suggestions and help, not put downs and "shame on u", ive had enough of that in my life and cant put up with much more right now.

[FreeMe]

Dealing with your feelings is going to be difficult since every day when you wake up you feel those things all over again. That's why usually people end up having to remove the source of their bad feelings from their life. I see you can't do that right now.

 

I don't know if you've tried counseling, but that can help.

 

Exercise can make you feel better.

 

Getting distracted by a hobby, a book, playing with your child, focusing on your child, can help give you a "break" from thinking and worrying.

 

Umm - I can't think of anymore right now. I'm sorry for what you're going through. And I'm even more sorry that your son may get hurt in all this. It's very sad. I, personally, could not live with someone who cheated on me. The first time would be the last time. I just know I would NEVER get over it. I would relive the hurt and anger over and over as long as I had to see him. I don't know how you can even deal with the first time, let alone the possibility of him repeating it. Just try to stay strong for your son.

[kittykat6600]

thank you for ur concern and input. i am trying to start exercising right now. ( i have to lose some of the jiggly under my arms for a wedding,his sisters actually, im the maid of honor) and trying to get help but i am strapped for cash.therepists are expensive. and i try focusing on our son( his b/d is on sunday) ) hes a great kid and doesnt deserve any of this crap he sees us go through. it scares me cause of the anger i go through, i get violent and act crazy alot lately. i dont know how to deal with it. i dont wanna act like this especially in front of our son.... thanks again

[DaiseyEyes]

If there is absolutely no way you would be able to leave him, then I suggest distancing yourself emotionally from him as much as possible. Get dressed up and go out as much as you can. (I know this is hard with a child, but try to find a way.) Try not to expect anything from him. I find I get hurt the most when I expect my boyfriend to do something that is uncharacteristic of him. Don't build up any expectations because that will only lead to your disappointment and anger. I know this sounds very cynical and deceiving, but if he has such a blatant disregard for your feelings, then I don't think it's as wrong as it could be in other situations.

[acaine]

I am very sad to hear that you are going through the thngs you are. I am however happy to hear you want help! You finding other things to focus on is a minor distraction. You should get involved in some type of counseling! I know you said you are strapped for cash right now, but look into state funded programs for yourself and your son. Anything seems like it could help at this point. I am genuinely interested in your situation because I have been where you are. I am still fighting daily for a self esteem builder, but with each day I find a bigger and better step towards my self gratification. I really feel for you. I'm sorry for you as well. No one should be taken advantage of.....and especially not their feelings. I hope things get better for you. I would like to know how things turn out.

 

I don't mean any harm just an interested party!!

 

Good Luck!

[Unlucky In Love]

You need to talk to a hard core feminist like me. YOU DON'T NEED THIS MAN! YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A CHEATING BASTARD. ONCE A CHEATER, ALWAYS A CHEATER!!!

 

As women we have been taught to stand by our man, even while he cheats. I recently left my boyfriend because he was a cheater. I had a male friend of mine stop by one Saturday morning and move all of my stuff out. I told my bf that I had found another place to live. He couldn't believe it. A few days later he called me to tell me that he really respected me, he also wanted to have dinner with me to talk about what had happened.

 

Men don't seem to respect anything until: (a) we start cheating on them too; or (b) we pick up and leave.

 

My boyfriend has been trying to get back with my ever since I left. Now he's offering to go to counselling. But, I've already met someone else and moved on.

 

That's how you show 'em!

 

Don't stick around. Leave. Otherwise, you will be driving yourself crazy, checking phone numbers and following him around. That's not a relationship. That's a bad episode of Dynasty!

 

Respect yourself, strong woman! Move on to greener pastures. Any man you find on the street would be better than the one your with.

[miz_barby]

I will not say "shame" on you or "leave him" because clearly YOU know he is still DATING and probably "clearly" sleeping with the girl he cheated on you with! You have caught him how many times leaving you to talk to or be with this girl?? You should not HAVE to snoop around in his "messenger" or whatever just to find out if he's cheating. Usually (not always) when you have that "gut" feeling they usually are cheating! Anyway my question is...

How much MORE proof do you need to see that he hasn't left the other girl alone? You have a son to think about and how will it look to him when he gets older that his Mother allowed some guy to walk all over her?

The saying "once a cheater always a cheater" isn't ALWAYS the case!!! If he had only cheated once and NEVER contacted this woman again then I would say you should give him another chance but since you clearly know that he hasn't left her alone then there is really nothing left to say!

 

Now when it comes to dealing with your feelings (well it seems there are several issues and feelings here) Number one you've got really LOW self esteem so much so that you would allow someone to do this to you! Number two you'll have to ALWAYS deal with jealousy and not fully trusting him! Jealousy is an ugly feeling and who really wants to have to deal with it? Also when you feel so used and low and know that it's not only you he's loving that opens up the door for depression and feelings of worthlessness! You have a right to be angry at him for cheating on you and breaking your trust the first time and maybe even the time when you found out that he contacted her but there seems to be several things you've caught him doing so you should be angry at yourself for staying! He doesn't respect you and like everyone keeps saying you deserve better but to be honest PEOPLE ONLY DO WHAT YOU ALLOW THEM TO DO TO YOU!!

Good luck and I hope you wise up!

[Unlucky In Love]

Originally posted by miz_barby

 

The saying "once a cheater always a cheater" isn't ALWAYS the case!!! If he had only cheated once and NEVER contacted this woman again then I would say you should give him another chance but since you clearly know that he hasn't left her alone then there is really nothing left to say!

 

It looks the saying certainly applies in this case.

[miz_barby]

Yes in this case it more than applies or so it seems! I can't believe any woman would allow a man this many "errors" I wonder if she is holding out hope that he'll change but if this is the case she has to see and KNOW that he won't! It doesn't seem that even cares if she catches him! That says "HEY I DON'T RESPECT YOU NOR DO I CARE IF YOU EVEN STICK AROUND HERE" obviously if he loved and wanted to be with this girl he would not be cheating on her be but obviously he doesn't care!

[kittykat6600]

thank u to everyone who shared their time and effort on me to help me. i know i need to leave and im setting myself up for it.i know it will take time but i know thats the only way i will be happy and feel peaceful inside. i guess i was sticking around hoping he would change and be what i needed him to be and i realized thats never gonna happen. so thanks again to all who helped.

[miz_barby]

For your own sake I hope you truly truly mean it! Good luck!

[kittykat6600]

well, i had a talk with him and told him that i cant keep going in this relationship and he said ok. i said in order for me to stay in it we would either have to move away and he get another job or we go to therepy and he said he didnt want to do either so i told him that i wont accept that and if he didnt care to do either of those things to help our relationship than i was done. theres no reason for me to keep trying at something that hes not willing to try at also. so weve decided to take a break from our relationship even though we r still living together for our son. im gonna try working on myself now and build my esteem as well as making a better life for my son. thanks to all who cared and helped )