Girlfriend's sexual past tearing me apart

[tbrant19]

Can you explain this? I read the rest of your post, but I didn't understand what you mean.

 

My point is that first experiences are often the most memorable. There may be people that don't value "firsts" but I doubt that their are many people out their that don't remember their first.

[denise_xo]

I agree with Yokun, I think a lot of people don't remember that much of it. It's not about placing value on it or not, it's just that as human beings our memories tend to fade.

[Quiet Storm]

I have known others in this situation and have experienced a similar situation myself.

 

Although we are married and have been together 20 years now, my husband and I broke up for a short time as teens and were BOTH with other people.

 

It did not bother me that my husband had been with others. We were broken up, and it was not a betrayal, so I was able to accept it and move on. I rarely thought of it and never imagined them together, didn't care much about details, etc. As a woman, I was more concerned with the emotionally aspect, and he didn't love her, which is what mattered to me.

 

However, my husband was very focused on my experience and the details of it. He was more concerned with the physical aspect of it. It bothered him very deeply. He knew logically that he had no right to be upset. He knew that he was overreacting. He knew that I had done nothing "wrong". But no matter how much him or I tried to talk himself out of these feelings...they were there. Deep in the primal part of him, he could not stand it.

 

Nearly two decades later, it still bothers him. It has faded, but it's still there. I don't get the questions anymore. He is a loving and attentive husband. We have a great life together. But if I could change one thing about my life, I would've never had that meaningless encounter...because what was meaningless to me, meant so much to him.

 

So OP, I would like you to know that, although you may be able to move past and dull those feelings, it's likely to always bother you to some extent. You can use logic to put things in perspective and admit with 100% clarity that you should not be upset about this, but that primal part of you may still be screaming. You could be the type, like my husband, who was able to move past it for the most part. Or it could eat at you and chip away at the good parts of your relationship little by little, until there's nothing left. Years and years of these thoughts can make someone bitter and angry.

 

I think it's especially hard for you because she was with your friend BEFORE you. So I'm sure you heard all the details from his unfiltered male perspective, and since you know him, it's easier for your brain to make mind movies to torture you with.

 

Although you love your girlfriend, you are judging her. You feel that she gave away something precious to men that did not appreciate it. Since you love her, and respect yourself, it upsets you that she did not value herself more. So you enjoy all the good things about her and your relationship, but have this nagging feeling that she is not good enough for you. Or you can't reconcile the image you have of her, with the image of her acting slutty.

 

If this continues, it can turn to resentment and affect the way you treat her. If you truly love her, know that she deserves someone that can love and accept her, 100%. We don't have to love everything about our partners, but we must at least ACCEPT the things we don't like, or we won't be happy. You have to really try to come to terms with this, as unpleasant as it may be for you, or this has the potential to turn into an unhealthy relationship.

 

My husband says he used self-talk to help. If he had a thought or an image, he'd think to himself "Stop, you're not being rational. We love each other, dwelling on this will eff it up". He said after a year or so of squashing his thoughts like this, he trained his brain to avoid those thoughts. Now, he only thinks about it if there is a specific trigger, like a movie or similar situation.

[denise_xo]

Like QS, I experienced the same with my H. I was very understanding in the beginning, answered all his questions, etc. Then, after a good while when I thought I had given him sufficient time to process and consider this, I gave him an ultimatum: accept that this is who I am, or we break up. I can't build a life with a person who doesn't respect me.

 

Btw if you google "retroactive jealousy" you'll find some useful web sites.

Edited February 24, 2012 by denise_xo

[Eddie Edirol]

My point is that first experiences are often the most memorable. There may be people that don't value "firsts" but I doubt that their are many people out their that don't remember their first.

 

No theyre not. Once you get older, matured some and dated more women, you will realize that most of the experiences fade away with other memories. Unless you choose to obsess over them unhealthily like you are doing with this experience here. Normally people pretty much bury it under BETTER experiences. So when you find another woman that you dont obsess about her past experiences, (and dont ask about them next time, thats creepy) you will appreciate her more for how she treats you, and now about how her past is.

[Untouchable_Fire]

lmao! haha, that kinda puts things perspective a little but my problem isn't necessarily that she did anything with any one she was actually in a relationship with its that she gave herself up for them and they treated her like **** for it (i.e. they dumped her the instant the sexual novelty wore off).

 

This should tell you what kind of girl she is... !!!

 

She uses sex to get attention from men. BAD SIGN.

 

Take it from a guy who is older and way more experienced in these things. You seem like a super idealistic/romantic guy. As life kicks you in the balls repeatedly... those feelings fade and you become cynical or realistic.

 

Enjoy this relationship for what it is... experience. You are not going to marry this girl. In 2 years hopefully you will not even be dating her anymore. Just learn, gain confidence... and go out to find a woman that is truly right for you.

 

I married my GF at 19... and it was a terrible choice. Don't make that mistake.

[Ninjainpajamas]

You'll never get "over" it tbrant19, It's just something you have to learn to live with that...or you'll just resent and lose her...push her away which isn't good for either of you.

 

To me If you feel this strongly about it, that is alone a deal-breaker. You're always going to be thinking about it in the back of your mind. The only solution is finding a woman who had a less promiscuous past.

 

Many women fall into the arms of men because they think they're in love with them or will get something deeper out of it, they're not really in control of that part of their brain, it's just emotional...and that's how most women are and always will be.

 

There's nothing you can do to put it behind you though, It'll stick with you forever...and moreso because you love the girl and you don't want to believe that girl that you love would be so easily available for other men, it makes you feel like you got the left-overs, lost out on an experience, it got screwed up.

 

And that's ok to acknowledge that, people will tell you to accept her 100 percent or you don't deserve her but it's normal when you really love someone and you feel that things should have been special. Unfortunately the world is a cruel place, feelings get hurt, people make mistakes and women often times make the wrong decisions with sometimes a lot of men.

 

But there's nothing you can do to change the past, It's really what makes them what they are today, most women have to learn the hard way with men. Ultimately she just might not be the girl you you've been looking for, maybe there is someone else...you have to consider that for yourself and peace of mind. You can't change how you feel.

[tbrant19]

Quiet Storm, I think you hit it right on the nail. What bugs me most about this is the fact that if I'd been in the right mind, all of this could have been avoided. About six months or so before I first started dating her she had come up to my counter and told me she used to have a "crush" on me. My first thought was to ask her what had changed and to get her number but I didn't. Instead I made some crack about "why I always got chased by younger girls". About a week or two later she lost her virginity. I almost feel like my rejection of her is what caused her to overcompensate with these other guys...It's just (as Untouchable_fire said) I've always been very idealistic about how these things "should" turn out and I think I was still unconsciously holding out for my childhood friend. I know that she had to of had some issues with her self worth in order to sleep with four guys in six months but I can't help but feel that I am somehow responsible. She has told me that it's not my fault and expresses disgust at sleeping with some of these guys but that the only reason she cares now is for my sake. She also says she wouldn't of cared if I had been with other girls before her but also expresses how happy she was when she found out that I had been her first. I have tried self-talk and in many instances it works. I just remind myself that all that happened in the past led to the present and that if that hadn'thappened then maybe we wouldn't be together now, or she wouldn't appreciate me as much due to the lack of anything to compare me to. But as QS had said, that primal part of me just can't seem let this go. I am sorry I'm rambling now, but I've been having a lot of cognitive dissonance lately and rambling seems to be the only thing that helps.

[tbrant19]

You'll never get "over" it tbrant19, It's just something you have to learn to live with that...or you'll just resent and lose her...push her away which isn't good for either of you.

 

To me If you feel this strongly about it, that is alone a deal-breaker. You're always going to be thinking about it in the back of your mind. The only solution is finding a woman who had a less promiscuous past.

 

Many women fall into the arms of men because they think they're in love with them or will get something deeper out of it, they're not really in control of that part of their brain, it's just emotional...and that's how most women are and always will be.

 

There's nothing you can do to put it behind you though, It'll stick with you forever...and moreso because you love the girl and you don't want to believe that girl that you love would be so easily available for other men, it makes you feel like you got the left-overs, lost out on an experience, it got screwed up.

 

And that's ok to acknowledge that, people will tell you to accept her 100 percent or you don't deserve her but it's normal when you really love someone and you feel that things should have been special. Unfortunately the world is a cruel place, feelings get hurt, people make mistakes and women often times make the wrong decisions with sometimes a lot of men.

But there's nothing you can do to change the past, It's really what makes them what they are today, most women have to learn the hard way with men. Ultimately she just might not be the girl you you've been looking for, maybe there is someone else...you have to consider that for yourself and peace of mind. You can't change how you feel.

 

Exactly...

[tbrant19]

I'm a female and my first time wasn't special. It was with a bf but not "memorable" and definitely not a "special moment I cherish forever." I actually haven't thought about it in the past 10 PLUS years.

 

First time sex to me doesn't mean it has to be special or have any special meaning. It's just sex. It's not a big deal. I NEVER sit there and reminisce about my ex or how special it was; it was just sex. Not a big deal.

 

I am not sentimental about sex; I don't think the first time is more "special" than any other time. It's all the same to me.

 

In regards to the situation I am in right now, I desperately wish that I could have that sentiment. However, in the long term, I am grateful that I don't. Sex as a manifestation of love is one of the most profound and spiritual experiences that one can have and I think that having the view that it's always "just sex" and "not a big deal" puts it on the same level as, say, just scratching your ass or taking a ****. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with sexual experimentation, however, to forgo the loving aspect of it in favor of the primal really is to miss out on a truly special experience.

Edited February 28, 2012 by tbrant19

[denise_xo]

Quiet Storm, I think you hit it right on the nail. What bugs me most about this is the fact that if I'd been in the right mind, all of this could have been avoided. About six months or so before I first started dating her she had come up to my counter and told me she used to have a "crush" on me. My first thought was to ask her what had changed and to get her number but I didn't. Instead I made some crack about "why I always got chased by younger girls". About a week or two later she lost her virginity. I almost feel like my rejection of her is what caused her to overcompensate with these other guys...It's just (as Untouchable_fire said) I've always been very idealistic about how these things "should" turn out and I think I was still unconsciously holding out for my childhood friend. I know that she had to of had some issues with her self worth in order to sleep with four guys in six months but I can't help but feel that I am somehow responsible. She has told me that it's not my fault and expresses disgust at sleeping with some of these guys but that the only reason she cares now is for my sake. She also says she wouldn't of cared if I had been with other girls before her but also expresses how happy she was when she found out that I had been her first. I have tried self-talk and in many instances it works. I just remind myself that all that happened in the past led to the present and that if that hadn'thappened then maybe we wouldn't be together now, or she wouldn't appreciate me as much due to the lack of anything to compare me to. But as QS had said, that primal part of me just can't seem let this go. I am sorry I'm rambling now, but I've been having a lot of cognitive dissonance lately and rambling seems to be the only thing that helps.

 

A few points that I think people who have lived ten-forty years longer than you have experienced to a greater extent:

 

- We can't control life according to our fixed ideals. Like ninja said, that's a painful realisation for a lot of people, but it's a fact. We can prepare and plan, but we don't control life. When and how your gf lost her virginity (or not, in a hypothetical situation) is simply not something that was ever within your control. You don't, and can't, control other people's actions.

 

- Rather than something we shape according to our ideals, life is very much about relating to and dealing with dilemmas that have no obvious 'perfect' solution. That's what you're struggling with right now. You're faced with having to choose a partner with a past you at the moment can't come to terms with, or giving up something that might be a very rewarding, life long relationship (or it might not, you simply don't know at this stage). I think whatever choice you make in this situation is perfectly valid. My point is that this is what life often looks like - we face different dilemmas where we have to take choices that don't fulfill our ideas.

 

- As soon as you hit twenty two or so, most people will come with a sexual past (unless you're part of a religious environment that strongly emphasises no sex before marriage, but even in these environments that's not always reflected in reality). So, if you let your gf go, in the future you're likely to meet a new potential partner who has also had other sex partners before (just like you will have had another partner before her). That's when you need to make a choice whether the past is more important than the present. Again, that choice is up to you.

 

I'm not trying to sound patronising or to downplay your feelings. I think it's admirable how you're trying to address and deal with this. I'm just trying to offer you some alternative perspectives that might help in seeing your current situation in a different light. At the end of the day, you're free to set this as a deal breaker if you want. But make sure you're comfortable with the assumptions that go along with that choice.

 

Good luck

[Sabian]

I am very glad I found this topic. I posted a similar one in another section of this forum and instead of any real help, people just called me insecure and stupid for not being able to get over my girlfriend's past.

 

I know that it's completely irrational to be bothered by her history, and I know it doesn't matter at all now that she is with me, but that does not change things. The thought of anyone coming even close to pleasing my girl as much as I do makes me completely crazy. I hate it, absolutely hate it.

 

The biggest issue I have is that her and her ex broke up amicably. They still talk a lot, and she considers him a very good friend.....I obviously can't stand this. Before she and I started dating she had casually told me a few sexual experiences with this guy, and now that we are together, all I can think about is that guy screwing her. I know they are just friends, but when she tells me about something funny this "friend" of hers said today, it drives me crazy. Like to the point where I'm not sure I can get over it.

 

I'm very afraid that I won't be able to get over this. Especially since she talks to this guy every day via text. Thank god he lives nowhere near us, but that still doesn't change anything.

 

I love this girl, but I'm really starting to wonder if it would have been better for me if I had never met her. I just obsess and torture myself over her past with this guy, and am willing to do anything to get over it, but I'm not sure I can..........

 

I always thought I'd find the girl of my dreams and everything would be awesome. No one told me that I'd find that girl and be so close to happiness, only to have it ruined by some completely ridiculous and irrational obsession of mine.

 

I'm really starting to hate myself for this. I am possibly ruining a wonderful thing because I can't over this. If I know it's stupid, know it's irrational, know it doesn't matter, but it still drives me completely insane what am I supposed to do? Honestly...what do I do?

[denise_xo]

Honestly...what do I do?

 

Have you googled "retroactive jealousy" (there are support forums around) and/or considered counselling?

[tbrant19]

A few points that I think people who have lived ten-forty years longer than you have experienced to a greater extent:

 

- We can't control life according to our fixed ideals. Like ninja said, that's a painful realisation for a lot of people, but it's a fact. We can prepare and plan, but we don't control life. When and how your gf lost her virginity (or not, in a hypothetical situation) is simply not something that was ever within your control. You don't, and can't, control other people's actions.

 

- Rather than something we shape according to our ideals, life is very much about relating to and dealing with dilemmas that have no obvious 'perfect' solution. That's what you're struggling with right now. You're faced with having to choose a partner with a past you at the moment can't come to terms with, or giving up something that might be a very rewarding, life long relationship (or it might not, you simply don't know at this stage). I think whatever choice you make in this situation is perfectly valid. My point is that this is what life often looks like - we face different dilemmas where we have to take choices that don't fulfill our ideas.

 

- As soon as you hit twenty two or so, most people will come with a sexual past (unless you're part of a religious environment that strongly emphasises no sex before marriage, but even in these environments that's not always reflected in reality). So, if you let your gf go, in the future you're likely to meet a new potential partner who has also had other sex partners before (just like you will have had another partner before her). That's when you need to make a choice whether the past is more important than the present. Again, that choice is up to you.

 

I'm not trying to sound patronising or to downplay your feelings. I think it's admirable how you're trying to address and deal with this. I'm just trying to offer you some alternative perspectives that might help in seeing your current situation in a different light. At the end of the day, you're free to set this as a deal breaker if you want. But make sure you're comfortable with the assumptions that go along with that choice.

 

Good luck

 

But I can control my own actions, or at least I thought I could...the reality of life (that more and more I am starting to figure out) is that nothing can be "controlled", not even yourself. It really makes me wonder whether 99% of all emotional issues steam from the initial realization of that fact..

Edited February 29, 2012 by tbrant19

[denise_xo]

But I can control my own actions, or at least I thought I could...the reality of life (that more and more I am starting to figure out) is that nothing can be "controlled", not even yourself. It really makes me wonder whether 99% of all emotional issues steam from the initial realization of that fact..

 

Well, I think it's an issue of degrees and 'method'. We can't just tell our feelings to go away. Most feelings that are just 'repressed' pop up again at some inconvenient moment or another. But there are always ways in which we can work on our issues, and that's exactly what you're trying to do now. It's a life long project so you might as well get started

[oldguy]

This is a great place to start; there are 3 more links within this one; http://retroactivejealousy.blogspot....-jealousy.html btw, this blog is by a woman.

There are other methods as well.

Tell me what you think of these first.

[oldguy]

This is a great place to start; there are 3 more links within this one; http://retroactivejealousy.blogspot....-jealousy.html btw, this blog is by a woman.

There are other methods as well.

Tell me what you think of these first.

Oops, that link didn't copy over correctly. This is it:

Retroactive Jealousy: Retroactive Jealousy

[tbrant19]

Well, I think it's an issue of degrees and 'method'. We can't just tell our feelings to go away. Most feelings that are just 'repressed' pop up again at some inconvenient moment or another. But there are always ways in which we can work on our issues, and that's exactly what you're trying to do now. It's a life long project so you might as well get started

 

I suppose lol. Thanks for all your advice denise, sincerely

[abouttoloseit]

Don't go and look up retroactive jealousy, it won't do you any good. Simply read, then re read this persons post. It's the most helpful, and logical help I've ever read on this site.

 

 

 

A few points that I think people who have lived ten-forty years longer than you have experienced to a greater extent:

 

- We can't control life according to our fixed ideals. Like ninja said, that's a painful realisation for a lot of people, but it's a fact. We can prepare and plan, but we don't control life. When and how your gf lost her virginity (or not, in a hypothetical situation) is simply not something that was ever within your control. You don't, and can't, control other people's actions.

 

- Rather than something we shape according to our ideals, life is very much about relating to and dealing with dilemmas that have no obvious 'perfect' solution. That's what you're struggling with right now. You're faced with having to choose a partner with a past you at the moment can't come to terms with, or giving up something that might be a very rewarding, life long relationship (or it might not, you simply don't know at this stage). I think whatever choice you make in this situation is perfectly valid. My point is that this is what life often looks like - we face different dilemmas where we have to take choices that don't fulfill our ideas.

 

- As soon as you hit twenty two or so, most people will come with a sexual past (unless you're part of a religious environment that strongly emphasises no sex before marriage, but even in these environments that's not always reflected in reality). So, if you let your gf go, in the future you're likely to meet a new potential partner who has also had other sex partners before (just like you will have had another partner before her). That's when you need to make a choice whether the past is more important than the present. Again, that choice is up to you.

 

I'm not trying to sound patronising or to downplay your feelings. I think it's admirable how you're trying to address and deal with this. I'm just trying to offer you some alternative perspectives that might help in seeing your current situation in a different light. At the end of the day, you're free to set this as a deal breaker if you want. But make sure you're comfortable with the assumptions that go along with that choice.

 

Good luck