Wife made stupid mistake

[Linlin]

Dazed,

 

I am glad that you and your wife are both willing to face things head on. I know that you have a long road ahead but you are laying the foundations now.

 

I am going to take my 2 children to see a counsellor for some "play" therapy when we move into a different house from dad. Mine are young 6 and 3 so it is different than your daughter. But you should think about some counselling for her.

 

The reason I am waffling on the counselling right now is the fact that he doesn't see why he can't have any contact with her. His counsellor has told him this if he wants his family back and mine has said the same thing. It only encourages her and encourages her H (who wants her back, she isn't sure she wants him) to keep bothering my family.

 

I had lunch with my H today (we are civil, if anything we make good friends) and talked about the counselling thing again. He still doesn't get "no" contact and why. I told him that we can't work on things with her popping up all the time and also he deosn't need to tell her "stories" of what we are saying to each other in counselling.

 

I have left this decisions with him right now. He thinks that counselling will help with the feelings (which it may) but you can't work on rebuilding if she is in the picture. Sometimes he says that he isn't sure if he wants to put our marriage back together and the next day he wants to go to counselling. That is why I'll sit and wait.

[Feel Your Pain]

I have been in a similar circumstance. I won't give any details here, but the book "Torn Asunder" by Dave Carder saved my marraige, and possibly my life. I was also able to find a great marraige counselor who was able to connect with me and my wife. We are doing very well now, 8 months after the fact. Please but the book and find a good counselor. I didn't have anyone to talk to either. You MUST have an outlet. You are wise not to involve the family, even though it may be tempting at times. May you find peace in your soul.

 

Also, don't be afraid to see your doctor about sleep-aids. You must resr as well, or your body will suffer on top of the mental and emotional anguish that you are feeling.

[DazednConfused]

It has now been sixteen days since I was contacted by slimebags wife regarding the affair. Things in my house remain tense, but open and honest.

 

Through our weekend away and the additional ensuing time, I have learned many details, and clarified the thought process behind many of her actions over the last year or so. Many suspicions confirmed. I am in what I call "the numb phase" of my daily roller coaster ride at the moment, so please forgive the lack of emotion in this post.

 

Discussions between my wife and I have run the gamut of love, sorrow, loss, distrust, resentment, guilt, pain, anger, needs, expectations, parenting, past, present, future, doubt, and probably more that I cannot recall at the moment.

 

I do have to say that I married an amazing woman, and that while I cannot look at her without hating her sometimes, I do respect her and always have. She is trying so hard to help me as well as herself so that we can go on from here.

 

The reason she did what she did? It was a conglomeration of small things that I had no way of seeing, because taken individually were of small consequence, when put together and looked at as a whole, they become pretty significant.

 

- Career: She had just made a change from an all-consuming very important position in small company that was growing in huge chunks; in which she was a very important link to the financial well-being of the operation; she felt important there. We moved to a different community and she took a job in which she felt insignificant and was resisted when she saw ways to improve the company. No career fulfillment.

 

- Husband: I have been self-employed in the same business for 14 years now, and need little help in the day-to-day operation. I have 50+ people working for me throughout several states, but there is seldom anything that comes up that I cannot handle in this respect and so, I stopped sharing the stresses and such of my work life to spare her the "same-ol stuff". I also became "comfortable" in our family life, and simply did not share with her enough of what I wanted and where I wanted our future to go. For my part, I was pretty darn content with how things were going. I always told her how great she was, and the frequency of our sex life was always good, but I will admit, we were lacking that passion.

 

- Daughter: At 14/15 yrs old, she no longer needs a "mommy". In fact, she aggressively resists having a "mommy" figure, and just seems more like she wants an equal kind of relationship. Seeing your child grow up before your eyes is a truly wonderful thing, but can also be a little unnerving as your own role changes in their life. Our dynamic changed from joint parenting to my becoming sort of the "police officer" and her becoming the "advisor" for our daughter.

 

- Other factors such as aging self-esteem (at 34 she hasn't been carded for alcohol in over a year), and the outright flattering attentions of a man from work also contributed.

 

 

We will get through this together, eventually. Our first counseling session will be on Wednesday this week, and we will take this one step at a time.

 

I am still carrying alot of anger that I cannot seem to blow off, and I am feeling a desperate need to confront slimebag face-to-face. I know in my mind that it would be very stupid, but I am also truly sick of being the "nice" guy. I am every one else's safety net, because I nearly always do the right thing. Just this once, I wanna do the wrong thing and pound this guy; all the while telling him what I think of him and his actions.

 

In leiu of doing what I REALLY want to do; I have prepared letters to both slimebag and his wife to be sent under seperate cover, at least if I send them I will feel like I have had my say. Please feel free to venture your opinions of these letters and whether or not I have a right to send them.

 

 

To the wife:

 

I wanted to send you a note expressing my apologies for what has happened between our spouses. Of course, I wish things were different, but they aren’t and we have to play the cards we have.

I wanted to express my sincere admiration for your courage in making the call to me; I am sure it was difficult to do. I will forever be grateful and respect you for that.

I also want to assure you that you have every right to think whatever you wish of xxxxxx for what she did. Do keep in mind that she at least had the guts to call you personally and apologize. I am not defending what has happened here, only wanting to assure you that she is finished with your husband and will never have any contact with him again.

Whatever you are feeling, rest assured that I am feeling it too; I am truly sick when I consider your pain and the trials coming for you and your family and mine. I truly wish you well. It is important to know that there is little if anything that could have stopped this, and it is not your fault or mine.

I will not disturb the peace of your home again unless xxxx initiates contact to my wife again. I appreciate your honesty and integrity, and wish you the very best in whatever roads you choose to take.

 

 

Sincerely,

 

 

To slimebag:

 

You may be able to snow the ladies into believing that you had an affair with my wife for emotional or psychological reasons, but I know the truth. It started out with you being her friend, and progressed from there, you both needed someone to talk to….. etc. blah blah blah.

You were never a friend to my wife at all. A friend would have counseled that she go to her husband and talk. A friend does things that will help a given situation. A friend does not play on emotions and twist them to their own advantage. A friend does not use a situation to boost their own ego and take advantage of a vulnerable woman.

You have forever damaged not only your own marriage, but mine as well. You initiated a relationship with a married woman, and played games with her emotions until you got her to have sex with you. I hope the gloating to the guys was worth it. I simply cannot express the contempt and loathing I have for you and your actions. You did this strictly to boost your ego and to get your little d*ck wet. I am a man, I know the motivation; the difference is that I can control where I put my d*ck, and I choose to honor my commitments every time!

Did you honestly believe that this could have a happy ending?? Did you think she would leave me for you, and that you would live happily ever after? You would never have left your wife unless she kicks your worthless as* to the curb; you never had the bal*s to do it on your own. Think about it, you know I am right.

Yes, it does take two, and xxxxxx is even more responsible than you because she made vows to me. You did not make vows to me, but you did make vows to your wife. I do not know xxxxxxx well, but I have tremendous respect for her and her sense of right, you don’t deserve a woman like that, and you know it. If she decides to forgive you and allow you to stay in your marriage, you should kiss her feet and forever be grateful. I am just sorry for her that she has to be both the man and the woman in your family. I truly hope she finds peace again sometime soon, and I truly hope that you never do.

What happens between my wife and myself from here on out is none of your concern. You will never have any contact with her again. No phone calls at work, none. If I so much as hear you were breathing in her direction, xxxxxx and I have agreed to have you prosecuted as a stalker. Let’s be clear on this, there is nothing I will not do.

I am finished contacting you and your family unless you persist in pursuing my wife. I care not at all what happens to you; but hope that your family can go on to happy lives; with or without you.

 

 

Sincerely,

 

 

So that is where we are today, and I am truly thankful for all of your input and support.

[jmargel]

I think the letters are a good idea. Just make sure you have a copy that you keep so he doesn't try to turn it around on you. Counciling will do alot for you, usually the first session you have so much to say, that you can't get to say it all. The hour really goes by quick.

 

Out of all of those things you listed as the reasons your wife gave about cheating, I still think they are weak. Her work or her daughter should never be used as an excuse. If passion has been missing in your relationship, did she ever try to contribute to getting that feeling back again?

 

IMO I would be very pissed if my wife who cheated, mentioned our daughter in why she felt a certain way to let her to cheat. Don't let her snowball you.

 

Of course you are going to be angry, have you yelled at your wife? Maybe that's what you need. To get the anger out, because otherwise resentment will take place. No reason for you to act like the 'nice' guy. Don't roll over on your back and piddle. Also, don't try to analyze things too much. That's the councilor's job. You think she would stay with you if you cheated?

[DazednConfused]

J,

 

You seem like a pretty good guy and I respect your opinion, thank you for your input. It is because of your earlier responses on this thread that we will be attending counseling. You do have a flair for nasty analogies too. I have filed away copies of these letters along with all the written letters between my wife and myself and the varied documents and information from my lawyer.

 

I agree that if you pick them apart, they amount to a hill of beans, but those issues that I mentioned (and some that I did not), amount to emotional turmoil rendering her more vulnerable than usual to the advances of ol' slimebag. I did not offer them as excuses by any means, because there is no excuse, but as part of the reason and as contributing factors in her lowered self esteem, etc.

 

I hope I haven't come off as a "Roll over and piddle myself" kinda person...... that ain't me at all. I believe in doing the right thing, even it isn't the easiest thing. That way I never have to second-guess my actions. I have done probably more venting at my wife than I probably should have, and she has stoicly stood and taken it. And absolutely, I think she would stay if I slept around on her. I know my wife, and I know she feels like scum for what she did, I also know that what she is feeling is not even close to what I am enduring. Is it the right thing to step on her throat and cause her more pain just because I am experiencing more than she?? I think not. Should I spend my time with her glaring at her and calling her a sl*t, bit*h, wh*re, sk*nk, sl*ez, and railing at her for something she can never change or repay? I think not again. Maybe I should go screw her best friend? Nah, wouldn't be right either. How about running out and putting slimebag in the hospital? The only really good idea of the bunch, but not right.

 

I am just a guy trying to come to terms with a terrible thing. From all that I have read, my wife and I are doing the right things to get what we both want: the resumption of our good marriage. For my part, the sooner the better.

[Linlin]

Dazed,

 

I love your letters. I hope they receive them and read them.

 

I hope you and your wife and work through this. Just make sure that you take care of yourself first. Make sure that you do not let her off the "hook" to easily, if you know what I mean. Everything I have read says that it takes 1 /12 to 2 years to get things back together like it was emotionally before the affair.

 

I am seeing a counsellor for the first time with my H next Wednesday. We are not going to counselling to start working on our marriage but for me to air our what I feel to see if there is a chance in the future.

 

I have written down some things when we see the cousellor so I don't forget what I have issue with.

 

1. He is still not totally honest with me re: contact with her, her needing to "talk" to him, etc

 

2. He has not done everything in his power to prove that he watns his family back, he still gives her the time of day yet he told his counsellor he wanted this.

 

3. He doesn't recognize when when I am struggling, doesn't feel my pain or fully acknowledge devastation he has caused.

 

4. He doesn't accept fully responsibility for the affair, he has said things like if you were more.....I wouldn't have had an affair

 

5. He has only said sorry 4 times in 3 months

 

6. He had not stopped all contact with the OP, he protects her and has badmouthed me to her since this has come out.

 

7. Not working on rebuilding trust

 

8. I feel he emotionally blackmails me..."If I don't get "this" from you...you force me to talk/go to her....Get all angry when he hears things he doesn't like or want to hear.

 

This list will keep me on track and help me from getting too emotional. Also a counsellor will correct me if I am out of line, but I don't think I am with this stuff.

 

I hope he will still through the session and listen. I am not looking yet to workon our future together but rather to get all of this stuff out into the open.

 

I'll let you know how it goes.

[DazednConfused]

Lin,

 

Thank you for your encouragement. Wife and I will be attending our first couseling session tonite, I hope it goes well too. I guess as far as letting her off the hook easily..... I just don't know what is right. One side of my brain says that all I am doing is compounding the misery if I hang onto this miserable mess, the other side says she owes me. I did not deserve this! Especially since I am beginning to suspect that the real cause of this thing was selfishness. What I don't think is right is to be selfish on my end..... I had no control over what she did, I DO have control over how I react to it and further, how to make sure it can't happen again.

I refuse to be an emotional wreck when we have time together, nor to keep bringing up the hurt that she caused. There are times to discuss the issue, but not every moment together.

My wife has said she is sorry too many times to count, and I have verifiable assurance that there has been no further contact with slimebag. This is not good enough, but it is all I can rightfully expect. <shrug>

When she is not here, I know where she is and who she is with. Trust is going to take an insane amount of time, but she understands that. As far as forgiveness..... I hope the councilor can help me with that.

It sounds terrible to say, but I do get a little satisfaction from the guilt that she feels and is dealing with. If she thought she had done nothing wrong, I would not bother with trying to put it all back together.

 

Somebody asked me how my daughter found out.... well, she was in the room when wife of slimebag called. She is 15 years old, and far from stupid, she knew something was up. So I told her. I love and respect my daughter, she has a good head on her shoulders. Also, I think it is good that she sees what infidelity can do in a relationship, and how adults handle it. She is beginning to have relationships with the opposite sex as well now, and I think it is a good life lesson for her.

 

Anyway, thank you for your encouragement, and my best for you in your counselling as well!

[jmargel]

I hope counciling for you helped some. You have every right to feel the way you do. In the end though, it's going to be whether you trust & love her enough to want to continue this relationship. You should feel free to talk about it anytime you want, and she should be accepting of this. Whether it be in the councilor's office or just out of the blue.

 

Trust is going to be very hard. You never thought she would do those things, lying to you on where she was at. I still hope you aren't beating yourself up over thinking about those two together. You haven't mentioned that in awhile.

 

I believe you still don't know why she cheated. She gave reasons, but then you still mentioned about her selfishness as being the possible reason. I don't want to be mean, but the reason why we tell you not to let her off 'easy' is because when she was with him sexually, she wasn't thinking about you. She wasn't thinking about her marriage, about how much you mean to her, about how much she was willing to risk for just some sex. That's an awful lot to risk for someone who's suppose to truly love another, just for a lay.

 

I think what is important is not the sex aspect, but what she said to him during this time. Was she telling him she loves him? Was she saying things to him about you? Thing is no matter what answer she gives you, you can't trust her enough to know if she's telling you the truth. The only sure way would be a polygraph test. Having trust in someone is about having your partner there for only you to love physically & emotionally.

 

I still wonder what she thought she was going to get out of doing this.

[Linlin]

It does sound like your wife is sorry for what she has done and has taken steps to show that. It will take her a long time to help you trust her again.

 

You sound like you are strong and are realistic. I know it is hard. On one hand you want to fall back with them to the way it was before the affair and on the other you want to "kill" them for hurting you. It is much easier for everyone to say I would leave them, but when push comes to shove and you think of your history.

 

Your wife has alot of work to do in counselling and you have some as well.

 

My problem is different than yours since my H doesn't accept full responsibility for what he did. That is a big stumbling block for me. He thinks he is fine and I still have issues. He asked me when I am going to get over it (it has been 3 months). He thinks that we should be focusing on what was wrong in our marriage and I do agree we need to do that to stay together.

 

However, as I mentioned in the points in the post above, I need to address all those issues with a counsellor. AM I WRONG? Does it sound like he is repentant and wants me back? Although I am still not sure that he does. I tried telling him some of the stuff that I want to talk about next Wed. and he got all upset and defensive. He says that the counsellor is just going to take my side and we are just going to "beat up" on him. He says that I am not trying and he doesn't get any affection from me. He has only stopped talking to the other woman for 1 week and who knows how long that will last. I do agree with you that I do have control over what I say when we are together and it shouldn't be discussed every moment of every day. But I do find it hard because he doesn't seem that sorry and he knows he can lay heavy guilt trips on me.

 

Again, I think he is not really taking ownership for what he did. What do you think?

[DazednConfused]

Dear J and Lin,

 

It seems like the two of you are the most interested in my story, and so I will tell you how it went. Couseling last night was a huge letdown for both of us. The guy bumbled through the entire session making innacurate observations and assumptions. The only accurate speculation that made any sense was this: My wife and I were together young; she 17 and me 18. We were a couple for only a year and nine months before our daughter was born. At that point all of the focus of our relationship was upon survival and providing for a new baby. Now that she is 15 and no longer much needs mommy and daddy on a constant basis, we are able to think about ourselves again. We are both operating upon many of the lessons and assumptions we made 16 years ago about the wants and needs of the other; not taking into account the personal changes over the years.

We will give this guy another chance next week, and then decide if we will continue with him or not.

 

J, I agree that her reasons are weak, but you and I are males and have a need for concrete facts. Females do not work that way in most cases. Her self-esteem and self-worth were damaged due to the factors mentioned above, and I was blissfully unaware; happily cruising along. Slimebag came along, befriended my wife, escalated the friendship to learn of her vulnerabilities, and exploited them to his benefit. (For that he should be caught in a bear trap by his genitals and given only a dull rusty knife). She did not go seeking a relationship outside her marriage, but was flattered and it felt good to feel good. She got swept up in the attention and emotion and made a bad mistake. She has said she never loved him, and her thoughts of me and our marriage were a distant, compartmentalized thing when they were together. She consciously blocked out thoughts of the future when they were together. Sometimes we live in the moment and damn the consequences. That is what happened here. I will say it again; she has accepted responsibility for what she has done, and is taking every step I ask and require in the recovery process.

 

Yeah, I still want revenge, a "pound of flesh" as it were. But the fact is, I am not really ever gonna get it if I love this woman. I do tend to lay much of the blame upon slimebag for his pursuit and deception in convincing her to have sex with him. If my wife was not a stunningly beautiful woman, I highly doubt he would have pursued the same objective, or even befriended her. I think the male psyche is vastly underrated in our ability to convince women to have sex with us when we go into full predator mode. We know all we REALLY need to is to get into the female emotions, a little charm and a tweak here and a twist there, it's a done deal, sooner or later. Too simplistic, but I believe it is the truth. Back when I was single, I never had a problem getting laid. I possibly blame him as a self defense mechanism, but who cares, it makes me feel better about my wife, and helps me sleep at night.

 

She is most definately not off the hook, as she should have been stronger, and she has said her biggest mistake was to hide her feelings from me, and not talking with me about her feelings. She knows very well what she did and did not do, and has to live with it just as I do. Regaining my trust and rebuilding our relationship is her top priority right now. I see no reason why we can't start rebuilding now, and the trust will come eventually.

 

Lin, in my inexperienced (but becoming educated) opinion, your husband is not facing his or your problems. He has convinced himself that he is fine, but knows deep down that nothing is fine at all. He cannot go on with you if he does not make a final decision and STICK to it, unpleasantries and all. I think he wants everything the way it was before, but doesn't want to accept responsibility for his actions, and is either too scared or too lazy to do the work that is needed. This makes your situation all the more difficult, and for that I feel your pain.

 

The cool thing about counseling is that there are no attacks and no judgements made, the main focus is open and honest discussion. He is so very ashamed of what he did that he is afraid of the judgement of a total stranger in a closed environment, that should tell you something.... he knows he was wrong. Further, he cannot handle or acknowledge that he has caused you unbearable hurt. Give me an email address on him and I will happily send him a letter and tell him to grow up and be a man! Better yet, have him call me!

 

As far as affection, (And I can vouch for this) it is very difficult for you to be affectionate when you want to kill him 25% of the time, despise him 25% of the time, feel compassion 25% of the time, and still love him 25% of the time. I personally cycle thru this about every hour in no particular order toward my wife.

 

Bottom line for your husband - he has to make a conscious decision, accept the responsibility and consequences, honor your wishes and requests, and then he can begin to hope you will "Get over it" someday.

 

For you - Stay strong in your objective, you are not really sure what that is, but deep down you do. Then be clear about what you want with him, he needs facts. Realize that he can never truly repay what he has done to you, and decide whether you can live with that fact.

 

Hang in there Lin, things will get better or they will change, either way, you will be the one who can stand tall and say "I gave it my very best shot"!

[Linlin]

Thanks Dazed,

 

You sound like a great guy and your wife should consider herself very lucky you are willing to give it another shot.

 

Sorry couselling was a let down. Any way that you can get the name of someone else? Perhaps someone that someelse can recommend?

 

It's funny that you put blame on the other guy becuase I also assign alot of balme to the OW. Your wife's explanation and situation sounds alot like my Husband as well. The only difference being we married in our late 20's so our 2 kids are small 6 and 3). I am a "superwoman". Run the whole household, work full time as the major breadwinner, organize the kids, etc.....Had a friendship with a couple (unknowing that the wife was very unhappy, had other mini affairs, etc...) she picked up on my husband's vulnerabilities, pointed out all my faults, etc....and one thing lead to another. When he tried to break it off, she chase and persued and made me looks so bad in comparison that he started up again till I found the emails on his laptop. Yes, I snooped but I had that gut feeling.

 

In fact I have become such a good "detective" I should work for the show Cheaters. LOL How pathetic is that show???

 

Deep down I guess my objective is to work it out. Of course I still love him even though I would like to kill hime sometimes. The problem is as you know, at this point he is not clear on what he is doing or what he wants, so I will protect myself and the kids.

 

I am not afraid to go it alone. Again, before marriage, I was never without boyfriends or date. So I am sure, if I choose, someone else will want me.

 

I'll let you know about the email address or phone call! Thanks!! LOL

 

Take care for now.

[unreal]

DazednConfused:

 

Man, I am truly sorry to hear your story. I now see why you responded to my thread "Cheated or not?". I think you see your own relationship in the beginning stages in my story. Like you, my ex and I were 17 years old when we met and were first loves. But unlike you, she left me and married someone else, only to come back 6 years later and leave me again. But our ex's were the loves of our life. You have given me a big insight on what could have happened to my relationship down the road had I married her and moved in with her right away when she wanted. Although you have alot more invested in your relationship than I did, it still hurts because I loved her deeply. I was so intrigued, I read through this entire thread on responses to your post as well as your responses. I have to say, you should pat yourself on the back. You somehow have remained super strong through this ordeal. And with the mere fact that you are willing to forgive, speaks volumes about you as a man. Why is it that guys like us who care and love our gf's, wives, and fiance's get stomped on by the women we love? I've never understood it. I wish you the best of luck with your marriage.

[DazednConfused]

LOL, that is the 30 trillion dollar question; I have read soooooooo many horror stories from women and their horrible husbands who don't care about them, treat them like something they scraped off their shoes, have no consideration for them, etc. The only real explanation I can surmise is this: Women are frickin nuts. Sounds like a flip answer, but it is the only plausible one. (Males are too, but in a totally different respect)

 

My wife was a queen. I was a good husband. She pis*ed all over her throne and took a dump in mine because a trusted court jester winked at her. Women who truly appreciate a good man have been abused and are damaged. Women who have a good man from the beginning are never satisfied and think there must be more out there. Now ladies, I am speaking in general terms here, of course there are exceptions. <shrug> I am just a little bitter about the whole female population atm, please keep that in mind as you flame me, lol.

 

I love my wife. I will keep her. I hate my wife too. But I will still keep her. Someday, this too shall pass.

[jmargel]

I know one chick who stopped dating my friend because he was too 'nice' to her. Alot of people don't know what they truly have until they mess it up. It's also about 'wanting' the things you have in life, not the things you don't.

 

Never get too comfortable with someone where it goes to the point of taking advantage of them. Yes you need to be secure in a relationship but never forget WHY you fell in love with them in the first place.

 

Dazed, were you giving your wife the affection she needed? Perhaps you thought what you were giving her was enough, but maybe she didn't feel that way. I still think some other reason exists out there for what she did. Maybe she can post on here?

[unreal]

One thing is for certain, if the other partner feels they aren't getting enough affection or attention, they need to talk about it to the other partner. Communication is the most important thing in a relationship. Once that breaks down, you lose each other. My ex was never willing to communicate. She still didn't want to communicate during the breakup. She either runs away from any problems that arise right away or she just holds it in until she can't handle it any longer. Then she leaves.

 

People need to realize that you can't make knee-jerk decisions with people you are supposed to care about who love you very much. Sometimes there is miscommunication and things gets taken the wrong way. If you both care about one another, you need to try and work it out together. That is why I have NEVER understood or support the "need for space" thing. That is just a cop-out or easy way of separating from the other person slowly to make it less hard on yourself. It is a selfish act and only causes more pain for the other person who doesn't want to breakup.

[Linlin]

Dazed,

 

Easy of the frickin nuts!!!LOL Not all of us are! I know you are only joking. It's like when I say all me a dumb, they just don't get it.

 

I agree with everyone on the communication thing. I talked civilly with my H on the weekend. He agreed that most of the communication thing was his fault. If we have to put a value on it 80% his fault, 20% mine. I asked him over the years to talk, talk to his family, see a counsellor, etc. He refused everything. Look where his pride has gotten him.

 

Unfortunately, we as a couple made friends with another couple where the wife has been cheating on her H for the last 10 years. She saw a weakness in our marriage, snowed me and pretended to be my friend so I didn't see what was going on and pursued my H for 5 months behind my back. She would call him at work, email him, call and come over when I wasn't home, invite him over, etc. If I was around, she would pretend it was to talk to me. He feel and went for it. To tell you the kind of classy person she was (not to excuse my H) but she was having sex with him when her 5 and 3 year old were in the house. Boggles my mind why her H is keeping her. I can only think that he has grown used to her pattern of behavior.

 

Like I said before, I thought I was being a good wife by doing almost everything to make his life easier. I was wrong. I won't make that mistake again.

 

We go see the counsellor tomorrow to see if there is any hope. Will let you know what happens.

[DazednConfused]

I thought I was giving enough affection and more. I am a very affectionate person with those that I love. I think everyone can even get desensitized to that if they want to be.

 

I do alot for her; tell her often and sincerely that I love her, want her, etc. Lots of "little" things like dropping her near the door when it's raining, filling her car with gas so she doesn't have to smell like gas, I often clean house on Friday afternoon so she doesn't have to burn Saturday mornings cleaning, arrange for date nights watch for upcoming events I think she would like to attend. I am also the cook in our house, and I prepare a great meal 3-4 nights a week (and mediocre meals the rest of the time). I draw the line at laundry however, far too tedious a job for me. (Besides daughter would be mortified if she knew I was handling her thong undies, lol, she thinks I don't know that she has them)

 

About 60% of our household income comes from my efforts, but I leave the books in her hands as she is a far better money manager than I (She makes sure the bills are paid and then we decide together what to do with whatever is left)

 

Since I work from home, I learned a loooooong time ago that I have to close my office door at 5:00 and spend the evenings with my family; it is very easy to become a workaholic and blur the lines between family time and working after hours. I won't do that. I don't really have any friends because I never needed any; my wife was my best friend. We play golf together, go out together, we gamble together, watch movies, etc. All this and I have always encouraged her to go out with the girls or whatever; have never barred her from anything she wanted to do. She is a big girl, all growed up, and besides, she already has a father; she does not need another one.

 

Parenting has been done jointly as well, with mom acting as confidante, and myself as soft touch cop and friend.

 

Our sex life has been good, though has declined some since we were 19; from sometimes twice a day to 3-4 times a week. I am talented with foreplay, and have good stamina. (And I'm modest too! hehe) I am of average to larger size and stay in relatively good shape. She is orgasmic and very active as well. Though not as adventurous as it once was, sex has never been an issue.

 

I try and try to find fault in my handling of our marriage and my responsibilities within the partnership, and frankly can find very little. I meant it in the original post when I said I have done everything I know how to be a good husband and lover to my wife. Which is why I am so very messed up by what she did to me.

 

Communication is most definately the key; she has said she felt afraid to talk to me about her feelings. I don't understand this statement because I am a caring and reasonable man with a relatively long fuse. I think she was more afraid to lose status in my eyes than the actual conversation. (just speculation on my part)

 

I am desperately searching for a failing on my part that I can say AAHHAA! THAT'S WHAT IT WAS! I just cannot find one. If she felt smothered or unappreciated, she never expressed it; and being a male, I can not just "sense" when something is not right with my wife.

 

I just have to stand by my "frickin nuts" statement. (Sorry Lin) HA!

 

So here I am, trying to hang onto my own sanity and self-worth, wanting to show my wife that I love her and want her. She has broken off contact, been loving and supportive to a fault, strong in her desire to rebuild our marriage and be my wife again. I want to have a better marriage again too; but at the same time, I have a whole crapload of baggage at this point.

 

How will I ever truly trust and believe in her again?

 

How can I possibly give myself totally to this woman again?

 

How will I get over my own fear of being hurt and rejected again?

 

Can I ever look at her again without remembering what she did?

 

Can I handle future inane marital conflict with out thinking she will just run out on me?

 

Will we ever make love without my mental guessing whether she did this or that for him??

 

Will I ever feel like a man again without going over and beating this guy's as*?

 

 

Hmmmmm, okay, so that's a few.... welcome to my world folks. Just for the record, we are taking steps to deal with all these issues.

 

Thanks again for listening, it really helps.

[thecake]

You hit the nail on the head with this comment:

 

"Women who truly appreciate a good man have been abused and are damaged. Women who have a good man from the beginning are never satisfied and think there must be more out there."

 

Same goes for men.

 

Quite frankly...after reading your posts, you sound about as perfect as they come, so I agree your wife is nuts.

 

Of course, there are two sides to every story. Wish she would post here and we could get her point of view.

[Linlin]

Amen!!!!

 

I agree with all your thoughts and questions. And I am sure that you have alot more. As do I.

 

PS. From my stand point you men are still "dumb" and just don't get it. LOL!!!

[DazednConfused]

Okay then.... how bout this.... "I just don't get" why " women are frickin nuts"!!!

[Linlin]

I guess that is why someone made alot of money on book called "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus".

 

For what it is worth, I wish my H was as helpful at home as you. I hope your wife starts appreciating you for what she still has or could have with you again.

[DazednConfused]

Much like me, she works on a computer all day, and is usually not anxious to look at one in the evening. I will ask her if she would like to post her side of things. She may do so this weekend. <shrug> She does not really get the concept of anonymous internet advice and posting to message boards, but we shall see.

 

I printed this whole thread for her before we left on a weekend trip in the interest of honesty, but she has not read it. It still sits in my car.

 

Anyway, thanks all, I am outta here, gotta go make some grub, daughter has boyfriend over so must find a new and entertaining way to embarass her.

 

Have a good day all.

[health]

Hey Dazednconfused, whats up? I hope that all goes well with you and yours. I hope you rekindle your relationship and all your relationships in general get better. I'm 22, my girlfriend is 17. We are crazy in love and have been to gether for 10 months. One thing I am so paranoid about is if she were to cheat , her mom cheated on her dad, and messed up things bad, yet she likes her dad and his morals more. I got so fearful and read 2 books on infidelity, I'm trying to gain as much knowledge as possible to prevent it. It's like Ive become obssessed with this and even picture things like you mentioned, and I get angry, just picturing her with someone else. Now you are in that situation...have you ever talked to her about cheating earlier on? What I've learned is that if you contiuosly give your woman affection, appreciation and attention she will be less likely to stray. I read your post and I pray for you and your family and hope that you manifest the best situation possible. As for myself, I'm paranoid and sometimes distrustful yet trying my best to learn. What you said about if one can only love enough, you can be the most powerful in the world (I think it was you who said it..similar to the quote) that is right....love will win in the end, you sound extremely genuine, so once again, you will win in the end.

[DazednConfused]

Hiya Health,

 

It is not healthy for you to obsess about her cheating this early in your relationship; from your post she has given you no reason to think so. Enjoy what you have and do your best to keep it real. Don't conjure problems where none exist.

 

I do hope you're right about love conquering all, but I somehow think it takes more than love. It takes more than everything you have, it takes everything your partner has as well.

 

I think it was Moose on another thread said that 50-50 is not good enough, it has to be 100-100, any less and things don't work well.

 

I try to stay posititve, and take heart from the support here, I am not a weak and weepy man, but I sometimes find myself questioning the strength of my wife. Maybe the whole marriage was an illusion in my head. What if all the love, care, and respect i have given to my wife was never truly returned?

 

God I hate this! Life sucks! I know this will pass, but wow, I am sick and tired of hurting.

[jmargel]

Dazed,

 

Unfortunetly this hurt will linger for the rest of your life. It may not be as severe, but to be honest even if you are with your wife, 30 years from now you'll still feel that sting. It is something she brought upon you and she has to learn to accept the guilt. Also there is no time-line on recovery. It may take months, or years. Unfortunetly it one way or another it will always affect you.

 

As for the 'strength' of your wife. She shouldnt need to try to 'force' herself away from other men. Her strength should be the marriage between you two. Good chance the reason why you are thinking this is because you don't trust her, which is fine. Don't worry about her feelings, both you & her should be worrying about yours.

 

And yes it does take more than love to make a relationship last a lifetime. Love is built from a number of ingridents. Trust, compassion, friendship, loyalty and the willingness to put your partner's feelings #1 in the world are only a few of what makes up love. Alot of those were tainted when she did this, so your love for her is deminished by the hate, sorrow, mistrust and the thoughts of everything before and/or after this affair has tainted.

 

Both of you should see a different councilor since the one you saw didn't seem to help much. Find one who is certified in marriage counciling. You are going to have days where you totally love her, then days where you get that sick feeling on how could she do something so vile? When those thoughts come up, talk to her. Keeping it in will only make you resent her.

 

Remember this 'slimebag' wins if you give up. He would like nothing better to see your marriage crumble. Don't give him the satisfaction.