Wife made stupid mistake

[adrift]

Same boat, different sea...

It has nothing to do with you. While slimeball was wooing her, she was pre-occupied being flattered and any thought of you was guilt ridden and quickly pushed aside in favor of more pleasurable thoughts.

I have been tempted and terribly attracted to another man. It has nothing to do with my husband, who is the most decent loving person I have ever known. I am IN love with my husband and cannot understand why I would even think of this other guy. But it has nothing to do with my husband. It is not a failing or shortcoming on his part at all.

It is something with me. As it is with your wife.

It's not boredom, but a tantilizing thrill of someone attractive finding me attractive.

I read here for strength not to do all the stupid predictable misteps into an affair, and the reason I am responding to this one is because I see in black and white how it would tear apart the most important person in my life.

What has also kept me from moving closer to the destruction of my marriage is knowing that my husband WOULD kick me to the curb. I would lose the most valuable person in my life. He would not tolerate being cheated on.

Can your wife value what she hasn't almost lost?

Maybe you should think about an stating a sincere ultimatum.

If I cheated, it would hurt my husband worse than anything else he has ever experienced, and I would not want to carry that burden.

As your wife must now do.

If I cheated and my husband gave me a second chance, I don't know how that could be made up for.

Time. Re-establishing trust. Promises that are meant and kept.

I've read that marriages that survive an affair are stronger.

I can't give you any advice.

Just wanted to say, it's not you.

Her weakness/failure had nothing to do with you.

She wasn't armed with the knowledge how predictable these things are, as I am trying to educate myself the "easy" way reading and researching.

Good Luck.

[Linlin]

Adrift,

 

I am glad you realize how much damage you could cause.

 

Get rid of this other man out of your life, severe all ties. It will only come to no go.

 

Spend some time reinvesting in your H. Spend time together, explore new things together, etc.

 

Show him how much you love him.

 

I bet some of us here wished we were given that option first. Then we wouldn't be in this situation.

 

Good luck to you.

[DazednConfused]

Dear Adrift,

 

Your thoughts help more than you probably know. We have been doing some excersizes from a couple of books that I picked up and have not yet identified a need of hers that wasn't being met at home. Much of my research suggests that affairs happen because of a need not being met.

This makes your post make all the more sense in the grand picture. I cannot think of much that I could have done differently, and can think of nothing that would have changed our outcome.

 

We are working hard to overcome this sad chapter in our lives together and I absolutely believe we will make it. There have been ultimatums galore, even a signed contract which we have both signed; stating that if either one of us is unfaithful, we give up the right to have the other as our partner. No second chances. If she ever gives me reason to suspect again, she will find her things in the driveway and that will be that. Heck, all the belief in the world may not let us actually survive this time.

 

One very telling thing about just how deluded she was while she was doing this.... Her brother was cheated on repeatedly by his wife throughout their marriage; the most recent being the last straw and her brother caught his wife red-handed in his own bed with her lover about 8 months ago. They are divorcing. My wife said some VERY disparaging things about his wife, and her inability to keep her legs together, etc. It illustrates two things; First, just how compartmentalized she kept that other life and relationship. (To the point that it didn't register that she was doing the same damn thing to me!) Second, just how far gone she was in hiding things from me. (I will admit, her attitude toward brother's wife truly threw me off-track)

 

My wife and I have spent the bulk of our "dealing" time working on rebuilding and improving what we have together and we are making good progress. (Being summer and having a 15 yr old daughter, just us time is at a premium) We have not, as yet really delved into the progression and the details of her feelings for this man. And until last night had not really set a timetable for complete "open book" disclosure of her actions. I need to understand and know the details to protect myself and her from something like this happening again. My need for this truly began to burn about a week ago, and came to a head yesterday. I wrote a couple of pages outlining just how incredibly angry and hurt that I am still feeling, and put in black and white how things look to me. (I had to write it because I can't bear to hurt her any more than I have to. I know that she loves me, and feels like scum for what she did, and I would have backed off and swallowed my pain yet again instead of actually speaking what I needed to) I wrote some very hateful things in that letter, and truly half expected her to walk out after reading it. I very graphically described to her what it would have been like for her if the shoes were reversed.

 

Daughter is going away for three weeks to stay with her best friend in another city this weekend. ( This is an annual thing, so not a special occurence; her best friend has been here with us since June 11) My wife has promised to reveal everything to me then. While I am not at all looking forward to it, it is something I need for my sanity. While I am so very dissapointed in my wife for what she has done, I am also very proud of her for accepting and doing what needs to be done to save our marriage and our relationship.

 

I will say again that this whole thing really sucks, and there are times when I really just would rather end it all than face my own thoughts for another day. No, that is not an option so before anybody freaks, I am not about to do anything dumber than stalking this man and beating the holy crap out of him, lol.

 

Adrift, I would very much recommend that you go to your husband today. Right this minute. Forget about work or whatever else you have planned, make him leave work as well. Go to a secluded spot someplace and tell him everything you have told all these total strangers on a message board. C'mon, you are here, you told us; you should certainly be able to tell "the most decent loving person you have ever known". Seriously. He deserves a chance to be everything you need, and I would bet he will do just that.

 

Good Luck and thanks again for listening to my story.

[adrift]

Thank you Linlin.

Thank You for the encouragement.

 

Dazed&Confused-

 

Im glad I could ease your thoughts somewhat.

 

In your last post you say you need to know how she feels or felt about this slimebag.

 

From my perspective, how she feels about him may have nothing to do with anything.....it may be all about how he made her feel.

 

He could have been some attractive mannequin that looked at her a certain way and said some things that she thought she needed to hear to feel attractive. In other words, it wasn't about him or who or what he is, it's probably more about how he made her feel about herself.

 

That doesn't mean that you are lacking in ability or talent to make her feel good about herself or attractive. It's just that somebody new made her feel these things in a fresh way.

 

At least this is what I am able to tease out about myself and my "feelings" which really aren't feelings at all in regard to the guy I am attracted to. It's about how he makes me feel about myself. It's not because I feel undesirable by my husband, it's because I feel desirable by someone whom I find attractive, which again has nothing to do with my husband.

 

I am pretty sure I have the wherewithall not to act on it. I keep reading and reading and reading. And praying.

 

I have talked to my Mom about it and she suggested I talk to the guy I am attracted to!!!! I said no way! That is adultry suicide. It is NOT a good idea to establish an intimate subject of conversation that may give us or me the ILLUSION of being close.

 

I wish I could tell my husband these things, and I have contemplated it over and over and over. I think I would feel better if I could, but it would not last.

 

If I thought he would be sensible and logical and talk me through it and help me through it and work together to get through this, I would. But he would be none of those things. I am not the victim, he would be. What right do I have to ask him, who has done nothing to deserve this pain, for help as if I am a victim of some sort?

 

He would be devastated. He would be an emotional wreck. He would blame himself and there would be no convincing him that he had nothing to do with me being attracted to someone else. He would insist on hunting the competition down and killing him.

 

He is not a wuss. I am the "object" (for lack of a better word right this sec) of his life that is his vulnerability. He has a secure and comfortable trust in me. He has complete faith in me. I could not disrupt that security.

 

I always had complete faith in myself not to be tempted. Until it happened, I thought it could never happen to me. And I have found myself on the precipice of cheating. I feel like bursting out crying at the word.

 

I can't hurt him with my guilt. And when I read here the words that people splay open their souls, I know if I cheated it would kill him. Telling him I'm tempted would maim the marriage.

 

The other thing I read I hesitate to mention because well it is somewhat uncouth I think from a lady, so please excuse the bluntness here.

 

Penis size has nothing to do with a woman's sexual satisfaction. Unless the man is incredibly small and the woman is unable to feel anything. However I had a friend that said the best lover she ever had did have a very small penis. It's creative foreplay and attentiveness to making love versus just having sex a couple of times a week. Our sex life has been very fulfilling for the most part, sometimes hot & heavy & frequent, other times quick and infrequent. That's life.

 

Our sex life has had nothing to do with me being attracted to this other guy.

There is nothing about my husband that made me attracted to this other guy.

I am still trying to muddle through what it is about me that I feel attracted to someone else when I know I have the best right here at home.

 

The grass cannot possibly be greener on the other side.

 

It must be the newness of romance that draws me in.

 

 

I'm glad I could help you. It has helped me too to write about it. I am going to analyze as much as I can why I have been so tempted. As I get closer to the answer I'll write it out. Maybe you and others can glean something to help get you through.

 

Best of luck.

[jmargel]

Adrift you need to stop being so selfish. If you were a guy saying those exact words, there would be a ton of negative responses to you.

 

Everyone gets flattered or is felt good by others. It's natural, but to be tempted to cheat on your husband is just plain wrong. You need to break all contact from this other guy, and show your husband the respect he deserves. How about try proving your love to your husband.

 

If you let the affair happen I can guarantee you it won't be as great as you think it up to be. You are putting so much at risk even contemplating it this far. This is what has landed Dazed & his wife in such hurt and confusion. It all comes to selfishness. You have nothing to gain and everything to lose. Quit while you are ahead.

[DazednConfused]

Dear Adrift;

 

I thank you for your kind words and your open and well-said thoughts. My situation will improve, but it will take a whole lotta time. I love this board and the support I have recieved here. By taking and using much of the advice I have recieved, and by using the insights provided by the thoughts on other parts of this site, i think I have a relatively safer and more realistic view of things.

 

""I am pretty sure I have the wherewithall not to act on it. I keep reading and reading and reading. And praying.

 

I have talked to my Mom about it and she suggested I talk to the guy I am attracted to!!!! I said no way! That is adultry suicide. It is NOT a good idea to establish an intimate subject of conversation that may give us or me the ILLUSION of being close.

 

I wish I could tell my husband these things, and I have contemplated it over and over and over. I think I would feel better if I could, but it would not last.

 

If I thought he would be sensible and logical and talk me through it and help me through it and work together to get through this, I would. But he would be none of those things. I am not the victim, he would be. What right do I have to ask him, who has done nothing to deserve this pain, for help as if I am a victim of some sort?""

 

- Reading and reading and praying is a good option, education on the subject is helpful.

- Talking with this guy about what you are feeling probably will not help as it will probably encourage him to pursue you.

- My wife made the same assumptions, fought the attraction for a pretty long period and look where we are today. Adrift, I don't want to lecture, but you are making a mistake in keeping your husband out of the loop. The less you share with him becomes a larger space between you. The more distance you place between yourself and your husband, the easier it will be for you to create a fantasy world for yourself and the new man. The easier it becomes, the harder it will be for you to resist actually doing it. You are currently tearing yourself up in two directions - attraction that you really want to follow through on, and guilt toward your unsuspecting husband. I do understand your fear of both, and neither will go away unless you take action. Your action should be the one that you can live with your conscience and sense of right.

I certainly cannot say how he will react, nor even how I might have reacted if my wife had come to me. But I

can say with absolute certainty that I would have supported and encouraged steps to prevent the attraction from escalating or continuing. She never gave me the chance. She did not have enough faith in me to believe that I could handle and deal with the situation. One year later, our marriage is ruined. I am quite sure that whatever my feelings and reaction would have been is nothing compared to what I have had to deal with now.

Adrift, I feel for your situation, and i respect that you have come to research and learn, very admirable. Please check <removed> and all the other therapeutical sites you can search regarding infidelity. They will reinforce what I have tried to get across. Your husband not only deserves to know, but you must be the one to tell him. It will be hard, and there will be tears, yelling, etc., but it has to happen if you want to keep what you have. Trust him to be real and honest and to realize that you have come looking for help.

 

Don't let him find out as I did, after the fact. Don't let him wonder if he could have changed things if he had the chance.

 

Then you can lose the other man, and work on a more exciting and fulfilling marriage and partnership!

 

Oh, and just for the record, a desire to go out and kill the competition is a very normal reaction. There would be alot more murders committed if it was the norm for people to act upon it. It has nothing at all to do with being a "wuss" or not. Even the big, strong, hairy, manly men will be reduced to jell-o when the only thing they truly thought they had turns out to be a lie. "Wuss" - God! What a ridiculous thing to say in the context of your post.

[3yearhusband]

Dazed and Confused,

 

I have to say that reading your story re-affirms my belief in marriage and in mankind. I can see the love you ahev for your wife in black and white adn teh love I have for mine is in my mind. The emotions you have layed out hear are raw and intense. I am like Adrift reading what you have wrote for strength. My wife is visiting her family for 3 weeks in another country and I am alone. There is an attractive intelligent women at work that ocmplements me. Nothing has happened yet. I have been faithful in my marriage but not in my thoughts. After reading your story any thoughts of weakness are gone. I see the pain I would inflict with mind numbing intensity. Thank you for your post. I will discuss these feelings with my wife I am man enough to do that. I love her and respect her enough to give her the chance you did not have. I am not a cheater. I believe in my marriage.

 

Adrift,

 

This is not an attack please do not take it this way. It comes from someone who was in your shoes.

Please have the guts to discuss this with your husband. I know it would hurt him. Yes it would but stop using this as an excuse the fantasy is fun but it has to end. It should have never started. We can all see this why can't you.

Compare the risk of hurting or maiming of the marriage to what could occur. Perhaps later you could laugh about it. Discussing it with him it would certainly change the intensity and perhaps kill the fantasy. I want to say something else to you.

 

I don't understand some of things you have said. If you think about perhpas you are not being completely honnest with your self about your feelings. You compare yourself to Dazed's wife but it seems that the slimebag that pursued Dazed's wife did so knowingly and with that intention. You seem to pursuing the slimebag at least in your own mind and fantasies which is much worse although you have not acted. This sounds harsh but I think it needs to be said in this way your legs are already open and do not need to be forced.

 

Or are the two of you exchanging flirtations at the office as almost always occurs based on physincal attraction and has occured with me. Has simebag complemented you and do you flirt with him? You seem to know where talking with would lead and from the wry glances you have exchanged with him at the office he may already know that you would have sex with him based on this.If slime bag is complementing you must let him know in no uncertain terms that you are married and committed to your relationship and want to stay married.

 

I think a better comparision for us is the part of slimebag. Adrift take a look at the letter Dazed wrote to Slimebag ask yourself can you control where your genitalia goes, you are not an animal. Sex is a gift that you should only share with your husband. But, you may have already exchanged serious flirtations which is kind of the same thing if you are feeling that you are ready to have sex with this person. You have already cheated in a minor fashion admittedly as had I. But, I do think your husband has the right to know about this. He signed up to love and honor and be faithfulto you and so did you, didn't you or was that just for kicks. If you cheat you do so knowingly and with full knowledge that you have spit on your husband your family and your marriage for sex. There are no excuses.

 

Stop beating yourself up for this, we will do it for you . Seriously though, I think it is normal for you to feel attracted to other people other bodies other minds but it is how you react to that attraction that arousal mentally that is important. Your mind and your heart control your body. THINK about your marriage and your family when you think about this human. Use your guilt. Part of the problem is that the fantasy is fun, enjoyable harmless but is growing more dangerous as you inch closer to the precipice. At this point you are enjoying the fantasy and you do not want that fantasy to end and one part of you wants it to remain secret. Talking to your husband may to help to kill the fantasy.

 

I think this is good actually. You can use this attraction this time to take another step in the growth of your marriage. In the growth of yourself to find out why you are so weak and to strengthen.I'm amazed that you have examined the consequences of completion (If I cheated he would leave me) but not the reasons that you would think about doing it. Again the attraction is normal, however you are encouraging it if not living for it right now and are taking it to a very real stage in stages I might add. STOP! Be the woman that he loves and loved. Be strong! Every mind has a dark side the mind often trickles thoughts we have no control over, rely on you heart has your guide. What does it tell you do?

[DazednConfused]

Well,

 

3year, I am happy to have been of some help, I hope that I have helped Adrift as well. My story sucks, but it is true, and so here I am.

 

Wife and I are making some progress since our daughter is out of town, it is much easier to make time to discuss our issues. I do think we will get there someday, and so will push on.

 

I struggle to remain the person I was before all this happened however. I hadn't realized until about the last week how much faith I have lost in the human race in general. I used to be willing to take anyone at face value until proven differently, I used to trust in the inherent good nature of all people, I used to be happy for people entering into marriage, etc. Now it is very hard for me to trust anyone I meet. I find myself seeking hidden motives and agendas. I catch myself pitying people who are engaged or are newly married. Maybe this is a normal stage as well, or maybe it is just my unfulfilled aggression manifesting itself. The thing is, I really liked who I was, I am not real pleased at the bitter version of myself.

 

<sigh> I guess it doesn't really matter.

[shywon]

Alot of the things you went through and are still going through sounds so familiar. My wife to had an affair after being married in 1987, but it was 11 yrs after our marriage. I wish I would have taken the advice and seen a marriage counselor though, part of me didn't want to because of pride and also I figured talking about it, really wouldn't change anything. I look back now though and think it really could have made me realize I didn't do anything wrong. Anyways just to let you know my story, as short as possible...

I was raised by ministers and wasn't allowed to do very much outside the congregation. Alot of the things that others kids did, my parents tried to keep me from as I understand that now. Extracurricular activities in school, along with partys, and dating were off limits. I was allowed to date when ready for the responsibilities that marriage brought along. So I dated after I graduated, actually when I was 20. On the dates, chaperones accompanied. So needless to say when I was married, I truly was a virgin and she came from the same background so she was to...or so I thought. Anyways 11 yrs. later, one day I went to show her some new houses that I thought we could build for our family in the near future. After seeing that I still loved her, about a week later on a Saturday, I was working alone she came by and told me she wanted to talk. I realize now, that you still love me after last week, but I need to admit to you that in the past 6 months, I been having an affair. I was devastated, shocked, angry, and all the rest of the emotions that I imagine you had. She told me she took and left me half of the bank account, and with her half, she rented an apartment a few blocks away so I would be close to our daughter who was 4 at the time. After going hearing what she said, I went home and heard and asked the details. I asked everything from why, to what did I do wrong?, how many times? what did she do? was it better? different? In hearing some of the answers, some were not solid. Some of her answers were vague. I come to find out that she had sex with him 12 times, to the best of her memory...that was full penetration. And she had oral sex with him 9 times to the best of her memory...actually more than all the 11 yrs than with me. Some of the answers...or excuses.... not it wasn't much different, it wasn't any fun. I don't know why I did. It just happened. I knew some of the answers weren't true...but at this point I didn't know which. As far as not being any different, I cant say as I have nothing to compare to... remember I was a virgin...and have only kissed one woman, touched one woman, been with one woman, my wife. As far as not being any fun....I not sure how others feel about doing things not fun, but I usually don't repeat it if its not ....such as.....stick my hand in a boiling pot of water. We moved on to the amount of times....I could say honestly I would have understood if it were 1 maybe up to 3 times to experiment in different ways or maybe some would cover all in 1-2 times. But not 12. And then since she was on the pill, she used no protection and even let him ejaculate inside her. I felt angry, and even like something was taken from me. We moved on to the oral part...which also was a sore subject...as not to make it to be all important....but when she told me how many times....and it was more than what we had during 11yrs? I know I should have told her and even to this day..it does mean something, but I figure I shouldn't have to ask for that if she truly loves me. I was very curious to this and asked why some many times... she really couldn't come up with an answer. When concluding with her confession and my questions, I asked if there had been any more? She did say at this time that she had oral sex with 2 separate guys at separate times in high school. So from day 1 of our marriage...I had been lied to, and didn't know the truth...I don't think this would have stopped me from marrying her, but it would have changed what I did this affair. I told her that it would be over if it ever happened again, and I would forgive her...I also thought about my child. Trying to do what was right, she confessed at church. They gave me a little advice, and tried to help. They asked her if it was over. And said that it needed to be for our marriage to work. She need to cut off any communication. And if he didn't stop to get a restraining order. We left. A few months later her mother new something was wrong, and I found out he had called. At that point I decided the best route was a restraining order as (I also was an ordained minister), I didn't like confrontations, I knew they were wrong, but also was aware I was a man, made mistakes and very rarely, could become provoked and angry. I was once told for what potential of good a man or (woman) had in them they had an equal potential to do what was bad. She started crying at this point realizing I was going to follow through with a restraining order. I didn't understand, but 2 weeks later found out in court. There when the judge asked why, she stated that he kept calling her even though she told him to stop. When he asked him, he had 2 questions, why did she wave at him in the car( this particular car was bought after the affair, the second i couldn't hear, or mentally blocked out. After he said no to the restraining order...walking down the court aisle everyone with smirks...I realized that when he called, it was after the affair, after she changed positions at work and because of the type work, the don't give out the numbers other than spouse and the office members in department. She told me that while I was on a father, son, brother, vacation....and as i write this I'm thinking of a new ? I'm not sure if he called or she called him, but he was in an auto accident in which it was not his fault, but it was at night and the lady fell asleep and crossed over the line...she passed away. She was single and had 3 children. He felt bad....I think she said he called...anyways when i was away , she went over to supposedly just say it wasn't your fault, but when arriving he had a candle-lit dinner waiting with wine. She said she knew she shouldn't have gone in, but ended up staying the night. So this happening in 97, i have been trying to forgive her...but yet with the last lie and last fling....i still cant. to this day she knows I'm curious, she knows if i had the chance i would...however i don't go out and just look. She knows how i feel as i have never touched, smelled, caressed, kissed or slept with another and that I'm curious...after finding out she lied and slept with him one more time, or so she says...if i would have known the about the oral in school i think i would have divorced. to this day it bothers me, part of me is still angry....hurt.....curious.....ashamed....feelings of betrayal, of something part of my manhood taken away...given away....i try to forget, but sometimes a song, will come up, as movie, a guy who looks like him walks by...and i can never forget what has happened. I have only mentioned it in our disagreements ( trying not to throw it in her face), 2 times, one being because she went to see her parents our of state and was going to be gone for a week, so before she left that next morning, that night in bed gave me oral. When she came back in a week she asked me why i was so upset... well, the last time you gave oral was 7 yrs ago with ******....I didn't know him, a coworker at a par-time job.

 

So as you see, if you can go and get things sorted out (if that being a counselor) i think it is worth it. A good one wont tell you what to do...from what I understand...but they cant ask alot of questions....and help you draw your own conclusions based on facts. And maybe it will be something you both can do...maybe it would be that you end up figuring out that both is better divorced. Who knows? But I will say one thing....I realize there are alot of good people and don't want to offend anyone....but if you say time will make you forget.....i would have to call you a liar. I truly believe you can forgive, provided the circumstances and everyone comes clean, and truly repents....but not with bs...answers...such as not any fun....but stops....

At some point, you have to remember you may or may not have contributed. But at what price, after how many times of lying, and if you have kids...if they are aware, are you going to let them think its normal? It tears me up at times....inside....doing me and my family more harm because i am (bitter, depressed, angry).

 

Just a thought, how do you fix a broken egg?

 

So good luck. I hope this helps...and not depresses you...but you are not alone

[havNfun]

wow, just read the original message - and a handfull of replies.

 

This is a very emotional story.

 

My responsible side want's to tell you to hang if there, and seek marital counsling, and so forth.

 

But, my emotional side is GOING to tell you,

to get rid of that betraying bitch,

buy a sailboat,

and enjoy about a 1 or 2 year long ****fest.

 

and then settle down with the type of woman who has an ounce of

respect, appreciation, care, concern, and loyalty for you.

 

shame on her

slut

[Linlin]

Hi Dazed,

 

I sent you a PM. Hang in there buddy!

 

Shywon,

 

Your story is soo sad. I can relate. My H is still in contact with the OW. He refuses to tell her to get lost. Even the counsellor we have been seeing tells him it is unacceptable but he doesn't listen. Thankfully our house sold today. I am moving in with my mom and my 2 kids until I can buy a place of our own. Fortunately I make very good money so my children will not have to suffer and have their lifestyle changed much. I think of all the poor women out there who can't leave bad situations because they have no money.

 

Your story hits home with the fact of how long do you stay in a bad situation and teach your children that it is acceptable for people to treat others this way. I think my children will be far better off in a happy house with one parent and a parent that come to visit ( I think I can be amicable) than in a place that is filled with stress and tension and verbal abuse from the man. I would only be teaching my girls that this is how you should let a man treat you. I can't do that. They deserve better and so do I. On Aug 12th we will take our first step towards healthier lives.

 

Take care of yourself. You guys both matter. There are good people out there somewhere that would treat us like gold. You have to believe that.

[havNfun]

My H is still in contact with the OW. He refuses to tell her to get lost. Even the counsellor we have been seeing tells him it is unacceptable but he doesn't listen

 

wow, I feel for both of you now.

That is soooo messed up in so many ways!!

 

Honestly, I used to really want to get married and have a family.

I read all this horrible evidence of how many people

betray eachother. I just turned 34 and now seriously considering

if I should get married.

 

hang in there,

hats off to you both being so kind/objective about it. I am not sure I could talk

about a spouse that did such damage - with such a soft tongue.

 

you both seem like very nice people

Hey, perhaps you two should meet up. (jokes)

 

DRW

hugs

[DazednConfused]

Well havnfun,

 

Don't sugarcoat it, tell me what you REALLY think. Haha. I agree with everything you said, except the sailboat... I hate locomotion without an engine..... cigarboat maybe?? I have always had a tendency to act on my responsile side, and so this is where it has gotten me.

 

Yesterday marked eight weeks since discovery. Despite many, many, many frank and honest discussions, I just don't know how to handle myself. I made a decision very early on in this fiasco that I would do what I can to rebuild this marriage. Any of you who have read my story know that I hold my word as sacred, so I sometimes feel as though I've put myself in a corner. Some days are great, and I think that I will easily be able to put this all behind, and then there are days like today in which I could hardly stand to look at her. I may slowly be going mad.

 

There is little if anything left for my wife and I to discuss about the events leading up to and the events of her affair, and I have few questions left. While I know she has been honest to the best of her ability, I think she is possibly still trying to protect my feelings to some extent. Telling me things like "There were no real emotions, I did not love him, it was more like a fantasy world in which I was attractive and wanted. An 'I still got it' kind of rush." My opinion says she must have felt something for this man while she was getting naked and spreading her legs. If she didn't, it means that she was capable of destroying me just for kicks. So which is worse?

 

It all comes down to respect. I am 6'1", 205, in pretty good shape, clean, attractive, and I drive a new Jag. Attracting women has never been a problem for me, but I always respected myself, my wife, and the vows I took and so never acted upon any of my more base urges. Sitting here today, with a broken heart and shaken mental faculties, I don't know if any of it amounts to a hill of beans. Maybe it IS all about gratification today and damn the consequences. If so, I have been missing out. I want to believe in integrity and moral structure, but hell, why should I be the only one??

 

I may still go the divorce route and follow your plan pretty much to the letter, but who knows, this is one of the bad days and I acknowledge that. A couple of problems however; I do still love my wife, I am kinda attached to the home and life I have built, and even though my daughter would support my decision (and has counseled that I do so), I am reluctant to shake up her life anymore than necessary.

 

I saw slimebag on the road on Wednesday, but by the time I could get turned around in traffic, he was gone. I spent 45 minutes driving around the area hoping to get a glimpse of his car so could confront and beat his a*s, but no joy. I have promised that I will not go to his home as I have too much respect for his wife, but if I catch him in public, he is fair game, and I will take him down.

 

Yup, I am pretty much losing my sanity because I am in a situation in which I cannot logically come to a conclusion. It is killin me.

[Mrwin2004]

She simply gave into temptation, nothing more. She thought it would be fun to boink another guy. I know you have an emotional connection to her, but if you really want to move on in your life. You should divorce her and find a new woman. You know you will never be able to forgive her, and I know it hurts, but some people get satisfaction in knowing that their spouse cheated because if gives them power. Whenever they get into an argurment all they have to do is bring up the other persons infidelity. Divorce her, meet a new woman, and stop wasting your life on these message boards.

[DazednConfused]

Sure Win,

 

It is that easy.

[Mrwin2004]

I never said it was easy, im just getting right to the point. Your life is right now, don't waste it. You seem like a nice guy, why would you want to be with someone who has done this to you, but Why would you want to waste all the time and energy and love you put into the relationship? It's a tough decision, but you can't rest on it. You need to choose. Be strong and do not be weak. I personally think you should drop her, she's unworthy of somone as devouted as you.

[DazednConfused]

Thank you for your input, and in some ways you are totally correct. As is right now, nothing is outside the realm of possible.

 

In some ways, I wish this had happened much sooner so that there would not be as much baggage, etc to consider. What a pain.

[havNfun]

Dazed,

 

you paint a very clear picture of your situation - I'm right there.

 

I really wish I had some more possitive advice.

 

I see how it is difficult to think of throwing things away - wife, family routine,

cohesive family unit, one house etc.

 

If I had God's power I would choose for this matter to fade away w/out you having to lose these things.

 

I think it is admirable to try (have tried) to take the higher road here and see if there is a way to work through things before getting out. This makes total sense - you are in love - you have a lot to lose. etc.

 

but, I ask you to ask your self these few questions:

 

1. Will you ever be able to forget the fact that she was (is) capable of hurting you this much (whether it was for a little attention, a little sex, or filling a void, or whatever)

 

2. Why would it be any more difficult (hense less likely) for her to be unfaithfull again (in some way)?

Couldn't it perhaps be an easier dissision for her to cheat once she already has lost the pride in being a forever "faithfull" spouse?

 

3. Isn't it true that you will NEVER know - if you know - all of the actual truths behind the affair? If it is true that you can never know this, how can you ever feel true love, or at least a sense of full knowledge about your wife and honesty between the two of you?

 

4. Will this situation make it hard or impossible for you to be as good of a husband as you would remain to be if this situation had not occured? (I know it would be hard for me to be as kind and wonderful after such a betrayel)

 

5. Do you deserve this type of lady? Does someone that would stab her "best friend" and husband in the back deserve you?

 

okay, allthough I have more I'll stop because (a) you obviously have enough questions running through your head, and (b) most likely you already been struggling with these same questions.

 

I do know that their are women out their that would NEVER do such a thing even if they married the biggest a**h*** husband in the world - which you obviously are not.

 

so, you have a lot of life left. if your family disperses a bit because of this - if you decide to leave her -

I think you should remember that you did not instigate things. This is to me a very important factor.

Bad things happen in the world all the time. We react to them as sensibly as we can but rarely can we escape all resulting damage.

 

It looks like there is going to be a fair amount of damage no matter what your choices will be. From an outsider,

I see you having to live in termoil, and with a sub-faithfull wife as being a greater amount of damage,

than if you leave and have the possibility of knowing a more faithfull marriage.

 

No-matter-what, you will still be a good Dad, and you will always be not the cause of, and not responsible for this happening.

[havNfun]

Oh,

one more thing.

 

I urge you not to get involved with the sob other man. -

Please re-consider beating him up if you see him etc.

 

I understand your desire to hurt him - I'd probably want to take my shot gun to his mouth,

but,

 

the only reason why I would reconsider this,

is because it will just hurt your life more.

 

unless you kill him (which would probably put you in prison)

he will get over a beating a lot easier than you'll be getting over the affair.

And then you may have to worry about a law suit, or retaliation or worse.

 

I've heard of situations like this that end in someone getting killed etc.

 

You've been damaged enough - don't risk compounding the damage.

 

Something tells me that this guy's life will deliver the punishment for you.

In addition to very bad karma now, this guy has also messed up his marriage.

 

at the very least - he is an a**h*** and a cheater - so he's already been handed a pretty bad personality to maneuver through life with.

My advice is - let the next husband or "other-man" take the risk and beat the tar out of the bastard.

[Mr baseball]

Well d&c I want you to know your not alone. I found out a day ago my wife of nine years is cheating or has cheated. I found a copy of a pretty graphic email that spelled it out. My world changed on the spot . I had a day to think about it before I told her I found out and let me tell you it was a rough day. I feel the same as you do about vows. I love my wife more than I thought I could love a person. I also have children involved. I decided to offer her a fresh start as long as she wants to work on us. The thought of losing my family out weighs the thoughts of her cheating. I dont think I am angry at the other guy as much as you are. This guy took what was put in front of him. I think she is more to blame. Im not sure my wife has came clean on the whole deal. My wife has issues of her own and is looking for who she is. My thought is to work on this thing and start from scratch. You are welcome to contact me and we can talk. I cant seem to start a new thread on here because it logges me out too quick. I need to get my story on here.

[DazednConfused]

MrB,

 

Thank you for your thoughts, and I completely understand your sentiment. If she commits to you and completely comes clean, you have a chance.

 

HavNfun, I have thought of each of the things you listed in your last post, and many many more. The truth is, I can't answer ANY of them with any certainty. The trust and faith have been destroyed, and my respect for my wife hangs by a thread as a result of this. As for getting it all back, I think it can be done, but I am not sure if I am the man for the job. Again, I have considered all of your questions within my own mind over and over again, but never in a lump such as you have posed here.

 

You are correct, I am in my mid 30's and have lots of time left on this planet (barring unforeseen disaster), and I think it is important to get the most out of my life. I did alot of considering of my situation over the weekend, and have decided to put a timeline on recovery and healing. Most marital experts say it takes about two years to restore a marriage after infidelity; I plan to give it three. I will remain in and work on my marriage until my daughter finishes high school. I want her to have a stable home life until she is ready to go off to college. The high scool years are by far the most dangerous in terms of potential misdevelopment. I think as a parent, I owe her that.

 

Over the next three years, I will wholeheartedly throw myself into my marriage and continue to be the best husband I know how to be. I will make an honest effort to overcome my doubts and fears about my wife and rebuild what we have. If it works, great! If I cannot finally get over what she has done to me, then I will file for a divorce and get on with my life alone. I have not informed (and will not) my wife of this decision for a couple of reasons:

 

1. To regain my trust and faith, she needs to be working with me because she wants to, not because of some deadline. Love and trust cannot be forced or coerced.

 

2. My evil twin side tells me that dropping this bomb after my daughter's graduation will be sweet justice with a touch of vindication. This is a bad thought process, but there it is.

 

I guess maybe deep down, the resentment is so strong that I cannot help but want some payback. (Which I have successfully resisted so far) It truly pisses me off that she is able to sleep like a baby these days while I often am up in the middle of the night pacing the house like a caged animal. For her, it is a huge weight off her shoulders that this thing is out in the open, and I know she is aware that all is not right in the world. I simply hate the fact that I get nothing out of this but pain. She had the fun of the affair, she got the strange, she still has me, our daughter, and all of the nice things I have provided. She has lost nothing. I have lost my faith in my vows, much of my self-esteem, my sense of manhood, my joy in the world, and most of my faith in humanity as a whole. This woman was my entire world, it is damn hard to face that she is not the person I always thought she was, but in doing so, it causes reflection upon literally every other perception I thought I had.

 

I am giving it three years because my wife has done and is doing everything she should be doing to help rebuild our marriage. I have verifiable evidence of every move she makes when she is not with me and can check up on her anytime I wish. There has been no contact with the slimebag. She is loving and attentive, willing to talk about anything at any time. Answers all of my questions honestly, does her best to reassure me, etc. Sex has been insane in both quantity and quality. She has changed from not just willing, but eager to make love, and I have to say, this is a very nice thing. The cynics will say "She's not getting it on the side, so she's horny", but I think it is more than that. This has been a complete change in attitude and disposition. I do believe that she has rededicated herself to me.

 

If this fails, I think it will be due to my inability to truly forgive the pain she has caused me through past mistakes, rather than dissatisfaction with the present. So now I have locked myself in to three years of hard work and honest effort. If at the end of that time, I need to walk away, I can do so without wondering what would have happened if I had given it an honest effort; further, I will still have much of my life to give elsewhere.

 

I think it is a pretty good plan, I look forward to hearing all of your thoughts as well.

 

Well, whaddya know? Another unbearably long post from Ol' Dazed.

[jmargel]

D&C, have you told your wife that you still can't sleep and that you are still having a hard time about this? Do you really think she enjoyed it? I had a couple of one-night stands, even being single. And to be honest, it was no fun. It left a pretty hollow feeling inside me afterwards. I can only imagine what she felt like after it was over.

 

Have you contacted his wife? She needs to know, he could be screwing other women, passing along a disease. Has your wife been tested? Don't assume anything, otherwise.

 

As for the trust & respect, that is going to take a very long time. You really can't answer whether or not you can ever fully trust her again. Three years from now you might only trust her 90%. Is that good enough until you can finally reach the 99%? Notice I didn't say 100%, because you probably will never be able to trust her like you did before.

 

The only way to get through this is to keep talking to her about it. There is no timeline where you have to stop talking about it. Three years from now you should still be able to bring it up & talk about it if need to. As for getting revenge, it won't make you feel better. It won't undo the damage it has done, only make it worse. As for this guy, I wouldn't pursue him, since it takes two to tango. He has no vows, no responsibility to you. Yea, what he did was bad, but he never made any promises to you like your wife did.

 

Have you been going to counciling? What is it exactly do you want from your wife right now? That's something you need to answer to help you through this.

[DazednConfused]

All good questions J,

 

Slimebag's wife knows what he did, she called me and gave me confirmation of my suspicions. She is aware of the situation, while we are dealing with our spouses on our own, we do have an agreement to contact each other if we find out they have seen or spoken with each other again.

 

As for my sleeplessness, I have never been much of a sleeper; late to sleep and early to rise. I think it is a habit I picked up being a party animal with a paper route thru junior high and high school. It is uncommon for me to be up past midnite however, and she is aware that I am often up until 3-4 in the AM. I always tell her what I watched from a Cheers marathon to Val Kilmer in "the Door's" or one of our own DVD's. She has asked me to wake her when I am unable to sleep, but I fail to see what good it will do.

 

Yes, i think she enjoyed it while she was involved in it. I also think that after she ended it, she felt terrible. She was thrilled to have someone other than me show her attention and was boosted by the fact that he found her attractive. (Even though on any given walk down the street or in a mall, I can point out ten other men who check her out. She really is beautiful)

 

I do not restrain my discussions with my wife regarding the affair, but I do wait to have them when appropriate. I know alot about their relationship, etc, and have few if any questions left to be answered. I know that he initiated the first kiss, and that it was on a Friday, and that she agonized over it for a month and whether she should tell me or not. Once she decided not to speak, it became easier for her to lie by omission. (She was concerned for his safety, her job, and the potential of my going to prison for assault, lol) I am not a violent man, in fact have never had a physical confrontation with anyone since I met my wife. I do have a checkered past thru college which would probably give most people pause but....

 

I have put the timeline on myself because I will not live with this forever. I have read the stories of others, the books and literature from many experts in the field, and quite frankly, refuse to live like this beyond the years my daughter needs me. If, at the end of that time, I can feel good about continuing with my wife, I will do so; if not, I will say enough, and get out. Will 90% be enough? I don't know right now, and probably won't until I reach that point.

 

I am not stalking slimebag, just waiting for the universe to put us together when the time is right. This is something that I just know I need to do. Call it or see it as you will <shrug> it will happen when it happens. I think most all unfaithful husbands need the crap kicked out of 'em sooner or later, so I will do my little part.

 

What do I need from my wife today? Great question! I guess I am looking for remorse and conversation that is NOT created or initiated by me. I would like to know what issues are of concern to her without having to ask. I would like her to say "Iknow I have caused you pain and I am sorry" without having to be the bad guy who keeps bringing this up. I hate that she has the ability to pretend that all is bright and sunny when the fact is that nothing is quite right.

 

Nope, no more therapists. After checking their success rates, I think we are better off exploring this thing on our own. Marriages that recover from infidelity are a shockingly low percentage, and there is little evidence that says success is enhanced by counseling.

 

Anyway, thanks for your thoughts, it is very helpful to hash these things out.

[Linlin]

Dazed,

 

Are you coming to kick the crap out of mine for me? Thanks!!!

 

To me the being repentant is a big issue. Mine has said 5 times since March that he is sorry. Not enough for me. I would like him to be on hands and knees begging for fogiveness but forget it. I hate that they can act like nothing is wrong and things are great. He won't tell anyone what is really going on and covers one lie with another. Of course he went to the Dr and got medication to sleep at night. I prefer like you to go it alone and spend nights awake at times.

 

Since my house is sold I only have to put up with him for 21/2 more weeks. The sad part is that he can be a nice person, but that side of him is rarely shown now. At least your wife seems like she is recommitting herself to you. Mine acts like I should be the one begging for forgiveness.

 

As far as revenge, I can totally relate. I can't wait until he finds out that the new house I am buying happens to be my mom's (she is building a new house, partly to help me and the kids) a nice 4 bedroom bungalow and an 8 person hottub perfect for parties. The house looks like it is out of Better Homes and Gardens.

 

He is moving in with his parents and then some tiny little apartment. I can't wait to gloat and tell him "sorry about his luck as I get my $1000 per month he gives me towards it". I bet he and his hosebag will have a lot of fun in a little apartment with her 2 brats running around and no money. I bet the affair will look like it was a good idea then! But I am not too bitter!!!

 

Oh!! PS Did I mention I was talking the kids Down South for Christmas.

 

Anyway, enough rambling. Have you seriously given any though to some time apart. Even a vacation with your friends?

 

Do not hit slimebag. Don't even give him a reason to call the cops!! However verbal taking him down a peg or 2 won't hurt. I found out that someone called the hosebag's parents and in-laws and told them what a ho she was. I don't know who it was but I would like to thank them. SHe has made alot of enemies. Maybe someone could let a few people in on slimebag's activities. Just an evil though!

 

Remember, revenge is a dish best served cold!!

 

Take care

[havNfun]

DazednConfused,

 

Sounds good.

 

In my oppinion, you have a fare, responsible, realistic, specific plan.

Despite all the emotions you have been feeling,

I really think you have been able to crystalize the objective course in this matter.

 

I agree with your arguments concerning your highschool child.

Also, I agree with you making sure that you can look back and know you gave things an honest effort.

 

Although it is sneaky, I also agree with you in your decision not to tell your wife

anything about the long term plan. This has to be your criteria alone,

and you have to see what she does with what she thinks is "the rest of her life with you."

 

So, for what its worth - thumbs up in my oppinion on your plan.

I also think you are doing the right thing about getting over a broken heart.

I know when mine was broken - talking to others, and reading about what

makes people do the things they do to hurt others, really helped me to

objectively see my situation, rather than emotionally wallow in it.

 

Best of luck, and please keep us informed.