Wife made stupid mistake

[whichwayisup]

(((((PEDWIN)))) I have to give you that comforting hug. I am truely sorry for your pain and everything you're going through.

 

You make sure that SOB pays you enough so you don't have to work. And he covers your medical expenses too! Get a real good lawyer!

 

Again, I feel for you and what is going on in your life. We're all here for you, don't forget that and if you ever need anything, or just to vent abit, feel free to PM me anytime.

 

WWIU

[DazednConfused]

I bought a brad paisley CD today with the song "whiskey Lullaby" on it. If you remember my husband shot himself in 1992. In the song, years later the wife does the same thing. I SEEM TO BE DRAWN TO THIS SONG!!

 

Pedwin, sweet lady, please, this is not an option for you or anyone else. EVER. I can tell in your tone that things feel pretty bleak to you at the present. It will pass, and things will get better!

 

I haven't posted this, but three weeks ago, I passed my neighbor on the road near my home, we did the usaul smile, nod, and wave, and didn't give it another thought. About an hour later I returned home to find ambulances and fire trucks, paramedics, etc at his house..... my neighbor, my friend, came home, had a drink, and then promptly shot himself in the head right in front of his wife. He's gone. No note, no reason at all. His family is wrecked. His wife is beside herself and cannot function at all. She hangs around our house most nights because she is lonely and grief stricken. He always seemed such a happy guy; retired from a major airline, he and his wife could travel the world on free airfare for life.... good retirement, etc.

 

I know you have experienced first hand, and I urge you to consider the people in your life who care for you.

 

This too shall pass. Listen, things can only improve from here right? So just look forward to that. PM me anytime you are feeling blue and I will be happy to help if I can.

 

-Dazed

[CanadaGuy]

Originally posted by DazednConfused

shot himself in the head right in front of his wife. He's gone. No note, no reason at all.

 

-Dazed

 

 

Do you have any clue why someone would do that??

 

I could maybe understand if there were many serious problems in his life, but it does not sound like it.

 

Look forward to your thoughts, and keep us up to date if you find out anything (this way it may help someone who is on the fence of doing such a thing)

[whichwayisup]

You never know what really goes on behind closed doors and what goes through peoples minds I guess. The fact there was no note and seems fine in general really DOES mean he wasn't happy and had problems. Very sad and I feel for his wife, she must be in horrible shape.

 

It's wonderful Dazed that you guys have opened your hearts and your home to her.

[pedwin]

Some people internalize their pain for years and never tell a soul. Then it gets way to big for them to handle. My husband was 40 years old with a wonderful personality. The only fault he had was drinking. He treated me like a queen. I could always count on him to be there when I needed him. I lived with him for 16 years and he wouldn't quit drinking. I left him and moved in with an ex sister-in-law. One week later he shot himself with a 306 hunting rifle. It cost 1500.00 dollars to have the bedroom cleaned. I found pieces of his skull two years later in the air vents. You can believe that man's wife is about to lose her mind. She also needs to be watched very carefully. I heard my husband calling me for over a year later telling me to come to him.

Pedwin

[DazednConfused]

Hi all.

 

I have posted on a couple of other threads of late, and if anyone has read them, you probably know I am on a down slide. <shrug> It is what it is, and as always, it will pass or it won't.

 

Discussion of my wife's affair, and the effects thereof have dwindled and then stopped altogether over the last six weeks. Other concerns have taken precedence and pushed aside others. Three weeks ago a 20 yr old driver rear-ended us at a stop light; knocking us into the car in front. We were stopped and he hit us at 35-40 mph. Wife and I suffered some soft-tissue injury; mine very minor, and hers is still ongoing with physical therapy to heal a ligament in her spine. She is still in alot of pain and is pretty miserable. My new Jag was a mess with major rear and moderate front damage at a tune of over 11k. It is also the holiday season, with all the hustle and commitments, parties inherent. Lastly, our daughter is now a licensed driver; which brings an anxiety all on its own.

 

These things have taken her mind to a point that I don't think she even considers things between us anymore. Certainly not to the point that she shows me..... I think she believes that all is good and the past is forgotten. It's not and it isn't. Yes, life goes on and other things will interfere, but I cannot just allow all the dishonesty to disappear.

 

My wife believes she is protecting me from further harm by keeping things from me. I know she is doing this to protect me, she thinks that I may reach a breaking point and has said as much. By breaking point, I mean a point at which I will leave; I have never laid a finger on her in anger, and never would. Since May, I have uncovered either inadvertantly or through investigation many things that she either lied or told half-truths about since her affair supposedly ended. (I am sure it is over now, what I question is her veracity in WHEN it was over) I am slowly finding little hints and clues that this was going on right up until D-Day, not ended months before as she claims. I also suspect there was more sex than was originally attested.

 

I have been unable to reach wife of slimebag; I want to compare notes with her. My nagging suspicions will not pass until I get either corroboration or disproof. I did drop her a letter on Tuesday last week, but have recieved no reply other than an unexplained missed call on Saturday evening. I have no reason to believe that she is getting the truth from her husband, but discrepencies are a place to start.

 

Why do I do this? I am sure many of you are asking.... I do this because I need to have faith in my wife again. I do this because if I cannot find peace within myself and satisfy my questing brain, I could have a nervous breakdown. I do this because I want to respect the words that come out of my wife's mouth, and will not until these are verified.

 

Perhaps I am now looking for an excuse to bail out; there is this dark side that keeps telling me I should never have out up with this, and that since I have been so vehement in my desire to reconcile that I now need new developments to fuel the fire. Maybe I AM looking for the deal-breaker. <shrug>

 

I guess that while I currently feel loved, I still feel disrespected. I need to know that she is still here because I am her choice, not because she was caught and did the socially expected thing.

 

-Dazed

[Summerday]

You amaze me, and you give me hope. I believe your wife is scared to death that you will one day walk, and I'm sure the thought is unbearable to her. However, she probably has to prepare for it mentally/emotionally. I've been told over and over that it's not worth the time trying to work things out after infedility, which I may never know. I look forward to your updates. Like I said you give me hope. My ex called me after 1.5 years asked me to come and see him, only to tell me all over again he can never get passed my infedility. I know he still loves me, we had a friendship/lover type of relationship. However, my problem was "marriage", I'm 38 he's 42 and even though we lived together, when I asked about marriage (twice) during our 4 years together, he's response was "I'm not ready yet". I never doubted his love for me, but I always wondered if maybe he felt I was not the one. I know now I should have verbalized this.. (live and learn right)... there is no justification for hurting someone as bad as your wife and I did, but believe me it doesn't mean that she ever stopped loving you, what it does or what it did for me is made me realize how much I love the Man I once had. I hate the other person I work with him, and I cringe when I see him. I have looked for other opportunities (employment), I have considered leaving the state and starting over somewhere else, because I cannot seem to move on with my life, unfortunately it's just not that easy. Your in my thoughts and in my prayers!

[Owl]

What does she say when you ask her for the truth directly? Is she lying to you, or is she not answering the questions? Tell her the point blank statement...that if she does NOT come out with the complete, honest, FULL truth, then she's pushing things to the point where you're feeling like you should break up. Tell her it doesn't matter what SHE THINKS is better for you...she's not your nurse, not your mother. She's your wife, and it is NOT her place to judge what is good for you and what is not. A marriage is based on PARTNERSHIP....and if she doesn't share the information she's got about what happened, then she's trying to break down your marriage, not build it up. After an affair, it is up to BOTH spouses to decide to continue the marriage...and you can't make that decision without all the facts. She's got the facts, but if she's not sharing them, she's preventing you from working with her to decide what to do in your marriage...

 

I'm at a low point myself right now friend...for other reasons, not related to our affair. Keep working at it friend, and I'll keep doing the same in my situation.

[CanadaGuy]

Originally posted by DazednConfused

Hi all.

 

I have posted on a couple of other threads of late, and if anyone has read them, you probably know I am on a down slide. <shrug> It is what it is, and as always, it will pass or it won't.

 

Discussion of my wife's affair, and the effects thereof have dwindled and then stopped altogether over the last six weeks. Other concerns have taken precedence and pushed aside others. Three weeks ago a 20 yr old driver rear-ended us at a stop light; knocking us into the car in front. We were stopped and he hit us at 35-40 mph. Wife and I suffered some soft-tissue injury; mine very minor, and hers is still ongoing with physical therapy to heal a ligament in her spine. She is still in alot of pain and is pretty miserable. My new Jag was a mess with major rear and moderate front damage at a tune of over 11k. It is also the holiday season, with all the hustle and commitments, parties inherent. Lastly, our daughter is now a licensed driver; which brings an anxiety all on its own.

 

These things have taken her mind to a point that I don't think she even considers things between us anymore. Certainly not to the point that she shows me..... I think she believes that all is good and the past is forgotten. It's not and it isn't. Yes, life goes on and other things will interfere, but I cannot just allow all the dishonesty to disappear.

 

My wife believes she is protecting me from further harm by keeping things from me. I know she is doing this to protect me, she thinks that I may reach a breaking point and has said as much. By breaking point, I mean a point at which I will leave; I have never laid a finger on her in anger, and never would. Since May, I have uncovered either inadvertantly or through investigation many things that she either lied or told half-truths about since her affair supposedly ended. (I am sure it is over now, what I question is her veracity in WHEN it was over) I am slowly finding little hints and clues that this was going on right up until D-Day, not ended months before as she claims. I also suspect there was more sex than was originally attested.

 

I have been unable to reach wife of slimebag; I want to compare notes with her. My nagging suspicions will not pass until I get either corroboration or disproof. I did drop her a letter on Tuesday last week, but have recieved no reply other than an unexplained missed call on Saturday evening. I have no reason to believe that she is getting the truth from her husband, but discrepencies are a place to start.

 

Why do I do this? I am sure many of you are asking.... I do this because I need to have faith in my wife again. I do this because if I cannot find peace within myself and satisfy my questing brain, I could have a nervous breakdown. I do this because I want to respect the words that come out of my wife's mouth, and will not until these are verified.

 

Perhaps I am now looking for an excuse to bail out; there is this dark side that keeps telling me I should never have out up with this, and that since I have been so vehement in my desire to reconcile that I now need new developments to fuel the fire. Maybe I AM looking for the deal-breaker. <shrug>

 

I guess that while I currently feel loved, I still feel disrespected. I need to know that she is still here because I am her choice, not because she was caught and did the socially expected thing.

 

-Dazed

 

Sorry to hear things are going so poorly, as you may remember, I'm in the same situation as you, and found out my wife was banging her boss for close to a year.

 

Well, I started looking for a new girlfriend/potential wife, and met many women, but none that "did it for me"

 

 

One day I said to my wife "I don't car what you do, or who you do, go f&^% your boss all you want! i don't give a s&^%!!" The strangest thing happened, I said it like I meant it, and she changed for the better, and really started to try to get me back.

 

Then, 2 weeks ago, we went down south to a couple only resort, an "anything goes" resort (which was a nudist resort as well, first for me, kinda strange at first, but no big deal after the first day)

 

(This was a make it or brake it deal breaker for me)

 

Anyway, our relationship made 180 turn for the better, hard to explain, but it was amazing!!

 

And now we are back @ home, and the spark still continues, hard to explain, but that the current status.

 

So I highly recommend that you and your wife go to a resort like this.

 

If you want to know the resort, send me a private message.

 

Good luck!

[whichwayisup]

So I highly recommend that you and your wife go to a resort like this.

 

Hey TO guy...Don't take this the wrong way OK, but how is Dazed going down south and having orgies and sharing his wife and himself with others, gonna fix his marriage??? Have you NOT read the words in his posts???

 

Uhmm, spicing up your sex life does not fix all the problems in the marriage. Maybe for you it did, but there is alot more to life than that.

 

SORRY Dazed for hijacking yer thread but I had to say something!!

[DazednConfused]

Summerday, I thank you for your kind thoughts and words. It really is good to have your persective....

 

Owl,

 

What does she say when you ask her for the truth directly? Is she lying to you, or is she not answering the questions?

I get much of the same old tired answers. Example, there was mention from slimebag's wife of a second cell phone that my wife was keeping. My wife solidly denied this for four months. Call comes in on my wife's current cell phone from Virgin Mobile (prepaid cell phone company) asking her to re-up her minutes as she has not been active on that line since May.

 

Tell her the point blank statement...that if she does NOT come out with the complete, honest, FULL truth, then she's pushing things to the point where you're feeling like you should break up. Tell her it doesn't matter what SHE THINKS is better for you...she's not your nurse, not your mother. She's your wife, and it is NOT her place to judge what is good for you and what is not. A marriage is based on PARTNERSHIP....and if she doesn't share the information she's got about what happened, then she's trying to break down your marriage, not build it up.

 

Done it.....often. In verbal communication and in writing. The thing here is that she honestly believes she is doing the right thing, no matter how I tell her differently. Needless to say, w/o faith in the words she says, it is easy to imagine things.

 

I'm at a low point myself right now friend...for other reasons, not related to our affair. Keep working at it friend, and I'll keep doing the same in my situation.

 

I noticed you were at an ebb, I imagine it is the same for all of us. I will probably keep at it, but honestly, I am tired of it all.

 

Hey Toronto! Long time no see. I have booked a cruise to Mexico in February; that is the soonest our vaca schedules will allow. Happy to hear of your success!

 

-Dazed

[CanadaGuy]

Originally posted by whichwayisup

So I highly recommend that you and your wife go to a resort like this.

 

Hey TO guy...Don't take this the wrong way OK, but how is Dazed going down south and having orgies and sharing his wife and himself with others, gonna fix his marriage??? Have you NOT read the words in his posts???

 

Uhmm, spicing up your sex life does not fix all the problems in the marriage. Maybe for you it did, but there is alot more to life than that.

 

SORRY Dazed for hijacking yer thread but I had to say something!!

 

We did not have orgies, and I did not share my wife (she was banging her boss, that's what started the problem in the first place!)

 

And the last thing I want to do is share her with another man.

 

What I meant by "anything you want", in my case my wife & I could show affection whenever we wanted to. It just re-ignighted a spark in our relationship that was lacking on her end.

 

Also, I know there is more to life than that, but this changed the direction of MY relationship.

 

It may not help ANYONE ELSE, but IT DID help MY situation.

 

I wanted to offer what has helped my situation, and I'm not saying it will help everyone, but when your away from the bills, the crappy weather (I'm in Canada and live in an igloo, o.k. and it's snowing) and get out in the sun and have some fun meet some people, eat some food, your mind can relax a bit (and if you have kids, leave them with someone you can trust 100%, so you don't worry about them)

 

A trip (regardless of level of "freedom") will be a great way to get on neatural grounds, and see if there is any spark left.

 

He mentioned "he might be looking for sn excuse to call it quits" so try this, worst case, you get a nice tan!!

[whichwayisup]

Sorry TO guy. Didn't mean to offend you...I guess we all handle things differently.

 

And the last thing I want to do is share her with another man.

 

But sharing her with another woman is OK? I'm not judging you, just under your past experience with her cheating, it doesn't make alot of sense that she would want to be with another woman after her affair on you. That is all.

 

Again, no offense.

[Ladyjane14]

I think it's probably part of the process to still be having trouble moving on in the relationship. Life begins to return to normal after a time, and even though you're still living with the pain of betrayal, it becomes minimized by the day-to-day issues which must be addressed. Things like car accidents, and all the details that come along with them, have to be taken care of in a timely way. Just like in other relationships, which have been undamaged by infidelity, time keeps marching by and the demands of life must be met.

 

I've said before that I think that one of the things that drives the BS crazy is that there was a choice to be made. The WS doesn't really get to decide if the affair is something they can "live with". They can't get away from themselves, so if they leave the marriage or decide to work it out, they're stuck with what they have done either way. They have to move on and accept it. They don't have any choice.

 

The BS does have a choice. They can get away from the person who betrayed them and never have to risk their hearts with that person again. The fly in the ointment is that once you have experienced a betrayal of that magnitude, you're going to take that experience with you too. So you can choose never to risk your heart with the one who betrayed you, but will you ever trust ANYONE again?

 

I LOVE this quote by Flavius: ( I quoted it somewhere else just this morning. )

 

Look at it this way. No matter who you are with there is always someone else out there better: prettier, sexier, smarter, richer, etc. And if you spend your whole life looking for a better deal, you'll find one. Problem is, you've spent your life, not invested it.

 

I fell in love with my wife because she was cute and nice and crazy about me. She sill is all those things 20 years later, but now there's something more, and it's something I cannot find anywhere else: it's because it's HER. We have a life shared together, and that is absolutely irreplaceable. The life I gave her is part of her, and the life she gave me is part of me. Without her, I'm just not myself.

 

So, it kind of comes down to "investment". The one you've already invested so much in. The devil you know rather than the devil you don't. Because the fear of betrayal is likely to follow you on through to any other relationship, handicapping it from the beginning.

 

And could you find "HER" anywhere else anyway? Or replace th particular bond that you have with her?

 

I'm not really sure how people get over this. Maybe in some ways they just don't.

 

I think maybe they have to find a new philosophy. And who knows, it could be a better one than they had before.

[pedwin]

Hi there,

I've missed talking to ya! I'm sorry to hear things are not going well. If there was any hope for any of us I believed it started with you. Things were so positive. We are still in therapy. I honestly believe my H would not have told all the truth if we had not been sitting in front of a third party. I was like you and I needed the truth.ALL THE NASTY,DOWN AND DIRTY TRUTH!!!! Do you remember the post when I called the OW. She told me things that I wish I didn't know. But at the time I needed to know what my life had really been like during the time I thought it was great and he was having the affair. I wanted to know how easy I had been fooled. How many times. What lies I had fallen for and what I had been doing when they were together. I wanted to know to what lengths he went to in order to be with this woman. I guess basically I wanted to know exactly who and what I was married to. I also felt like if I knew all the details I would know what to look for in the future. I need to tell you that I wish I hadn't found out some of the things I so desperately wanted to know. I still love him but I look at him in a totally different light. When you are deceived so badly it kills something inside of you and I don't think you ever get it back. Six years of my life was a lie and a farce. So was my wedding day. My point to all this rambling is be careful. If you love her and you want it to work make sure you can handle the truth. I find myself looking at my H sometimes and picturing him doing some of the things I was told he did. At those times I HATE HIM.

I wish you all the best and I hope you can work this out. You were one of the reasons I stayed and worked on mine.

Hugs Pedwin

[papple]

Hi

I know this message reply is a long time after the original post but I've only just found the love Shack site.

If I were to write my story It would be almost identical to this one.Married 16 yrs 2 kids wife had 6 month affair - ended it and totaly regrets it.

I found out the details about my wife's affair in November and the feelings and emotions I'm going through are exactly the same.

If you still read this site-

What I'd like to know is have you come out the other side with with your head together and are you still together with your wife?

If so how did you handle it-I feel like I'm going crazy-every waking hour I think about them together.

My guts are so screwed up I lost 25lbs -don't recomend it as a diet though.

Any help from anybody please.

Pete

[DazednConfused]

Good Morning Pete,

 

I am sorry you are here, welcome, and I hope that the stories of others can somehow help you in yours. I don't come here much anymore as i believe the comfort to be had is limited and I have reached that limit. I find helping others to be therapeutic, but I also found that continually reading these stories (particularly those from unremorseful and selfish people) to keep me in a bad place. A great friend of mine from this site emailed me and told me you had posted, and that maybe I can be of some help. I hope i can. This will probably be a long post beacause i have an awful lot to say.

 

The advice i can give is limited as I have little of your story, but what I gather is that you are simply looking for a sign that things can and will get better. I have it on good authority that it can and it will.

 

If I were to write my story It would be almost identical to this one.Married 16 yrs 2 kids wife had 6 month affair - ended it and totaly regrets it.

 

This is one of the things you have going for you, hold tightly to that fact. She totally regrets it. I have read and known many who have had affairs that they don't regret at all. Some of them right here on this site. There are thousands of betrayed spouses out there desperately trying to hold on to someone who wants to play emotional blackamil and see what they can get. Your wife may not even know for sure why she did this, but at least you know she is thinking clearly as of now. Seriously, never let go of the fact that she feels terrible for what she did, you will need to remember that fact down the road.

 

I found out the details about my wife's affair in November and the feelings and emotions I'm going through are exactly the same.

 

I think every betrayed spouse on the planet runs this gamut of emotions. The trick for you and for all of us is to not let them control who you will become in relation to your wife. It is hugely important that you allow yourself to feel these things as well as express them, if you internalize them and ignore them, they will build into an insurmountable obstacle to allowing your wife back into your heart. At the same time, after you have expressed your rage, pain, shock, resentment, etc. You need to be the person you are and have always been. Personally, I made the mistake of holding them in for so long that I am not sure who I am anymore.

 

What I'd like to know is have you come out the other side with with your head together and are you still together with your wife?

 

Out the other side? hardly. I am only seven months past D-Day, any "expert" worth his salt will tell you that recovery will take at least two years. Absolutely I still have my head together; I did finally have to get some anti-depressants which have helped me to deal and to at least be able to work etc. I am still together with my beautiful and loving wife. Pete, I very nearly made a mistake that would have compounded hers. I came very close to closing myself so far that I forgot the ability to love. I became so wrapped up in "what she did" and blinded myself to what she "is doing" I became tired of fighting and just allowed the tide of my own resentment carry me out of all reach or hope. This was a close one and yet another wake-up call for me.

 

I had plans to have her served with divorce papers right before Christmas. I planned this purely for spite and in the hopes of hurting her as much as I could. Nice guy huh? I honestly held no hope for myself anymore, nor could I accept the love and caring that she was desperately trying to show me. I was so bitter and resentful that I could not believe any of it. "If she loved you she would not have done such a miserable thing". Man, i clung to that thought as if it were the only reality. Honestly Pete, I just wanted to die and be done with the whole damn thing. Then I had an awakening. There was no reality check that did this for me, nobody said just the right thing to make me see things differently, it came from inside me. I finally understood that her adultery had absolutely nothing to do with me. Further in looking hard at myself, I saw someone I not only didn't like, I didn't even understand. Then I realize that my wife saw the same thing in herself while she had her affair; when she woke up and saw herself, she went back to being my wife. Now that i have woken from my version of the fog, perhaps i should just to be her husband again. That is what I am doing.

 

I feel like I'm going crazy-every waking hour I think about them together.

 

Pete, this will go on and on and on. The only hope I can give you here is time. My wife's affair is the first thing i think of in the morning, and the last on my mind as I drift off to sleep. Those images of another man touching and enjoying what is yours will haunt you. All I can really say is that you will develop ways of pushing those images away when they get out of control, leaving you with only the bitterness of your stray thoughts about her betrayal. At that point you need to change your focus, and only YOU can make that happen.

 

What else can i say? The only way you will get past this with your marriage and your love intact is to keep your head about you. Change your conscious thoughts to focus on your goal which is to fix your marriage. Sometimes you will need to ask yourself "is this line of thought helping me or her?" "Have i explored this enough?" Peace of mind will be hard to come by for a while Pete, just keep your eye on the ball and ignore those negative things some people will tell you...."Once a cheater always a cheater", "Lying, cheating, no good bitch needs to go", "you can get a woman who will treat you better" blah blah blah. If you already have something worth fighting for, keep your eye on the ball and do what you have to for you!

 

-Dazed

 

Feel free to PM me if you have questions or just want to vent.

[papple]

Hi dazed

Firstly let me thank you for taking the time to reply to my message.I had not spoken to anyone about this before.

Knowing there is someone out there going through the same as me helps.

I threatend the whole divorce thing as well but realised that living in pain with her love is much better than being in pain without her let alone the kids.

I guess I'll just have to take it day by day-rough with the smooth.

Hope in a few years we both can look back on this as a distant and faded but bad memory.

thanks

Pete

[whichwayisup]

Papple, well I can't add much of anything here, Dazed is just awesome with his words, sadly though because of his own personal experience...He is a wise gent, just like the Owl among us here on the LS.

 

I do hope you both can work it out, pour your hearts and souls out together and get professional help as well. Maybe ask her to come to this site and read some of the advice you're getting as well as Dazed's thread from the start. Might help or atleast make her understand more where you're head is these days and what you're feeling in general.

 

All the best.

[Saving Grace]

DazednConfused~

 

I just want to thank you for being the strong husband that you are and have been. I am a WW and my H is the BS. I was sent to your thread by Ladyjane to see, feel, hear, understand what my H has gone through because of what I have done. He is an exact replica of the man you are, he gave me a chance and I failed.

 

He filed for divorce but I am now prepared more then ever to save my marriage. I didn't think it was possible before. I'm really not sure it is possible now. I'm bad at linking so if you want the story you can check it out at He Filed for Divorce What now? and I want to give up! under divorce/divorcing. You'll read alot that makes me look like $hit, but I am. I am remorseful, regretful, depressed, ashamed and more. I will NEVER do anything like that again, you can bet on that.

 

I am alot like your WW. I sought the OM attention because I was overweight yet he made me feel so important and attractive. Boy was I stupid I let evrything I had go for nothing. I am however a broken and damaged person but I have a different belief on my marriage. Because I am damaged I believed there is no way he could love me as much as he does, I don't deserve him. I never thought I needed more then what I had.

 

I feel your anguish all of you and we don't deserve to have Husbands and Wifes who are as faithful and as forgiving as you. Thank You for inspiring me to be a better person.

 

Dazed your posts make me sincerely cry out for you {{{{{many hugs}}}}}} for all your forgiveness. I only pray that my husband decides to try and forgive me now.

 

I pray that you have the strength to continue in the positive manner that you have and that she sees in you what we all see in you. The kind of person we all need to be.

 

SG

[Saving Grace]

Originally posted by DazednConfused

My vows at marriage did not say I could leave if she hurt me badly enough. They said better or worse, so I will take the worse.

 

You amaze me...I will never forget this statement...You are an amazing person.

 

I wish the best for you and yours!

 

SG

 

And my post is under seperation and divorce (sorry i was being stupid) the other one is from teh MB site.

[DazednConfused]

Hi Grace,

 

My thanks for your kind words and thoughts regarding my situation. It is without question the hardest time i have ever in my life endured. I hope that there will be no more crises this intense in my life ever.

 

I have read many of your earlier posts to get some backgroound on your situation, and i agree with much of what the wise Owl has said. I have a couple of recomendations though....

 

First and foremost; lose the OM. There is no half-way here. none. Whatever it takes. Your husband says you cannot allow your biz to fail, he is still trying to look out for you and your feelings believe it or not. He hates that you see this loser every day. Do this without his knowledge if you have to. DO NOT say that you did it for him, that will cause hard feelings and guilt; you are going to do this for your own self-respect and because it is the right thing to do. It may be hard to let go of your business, but what is the priority here? You need to show him that HE and your marriage are the priority.

 

Next; You are not protecting him from the truth and the details, you are protecting yourself. You must answer any question he asks or has ever asked in a completely honest and complete way.

 

I do not know if is too late for you Grace. You were childish, selfish, callouse, dishonest, and unrepentant. Compound this by the questionable paternity of your unborn child and your husband has no idea how he should react.

 

He is

 

embarassed by you and your actions - Think about how you always used to react internally when someone you knew had an affair, you would snicker to yourself "He obviosly could not perform in bed or she would not have strayed." or "She couldn't keep her man happy so he got some elsewhere." This is what he knows everyone is thinking. Talk about a stigma to try to get past.

 

He is out of patience. He gave you every opportunity for a year to make some changes to show him that he is important. You failed to do anything that would show him that. After he has been lied to and cheated on, words from your mouth mean little if anything, he needed your actions.

 

He is afraid. He probably still loves you, but cannot reconcile your actions with your words and his mind is screaming at him to protect himself and your daughter. This is a major change of life for him, but he is willing to do it so you cannot hurt him further.

 

Poor bastard has to deal with triggers every time you leave for work.

 

If you want any chance at all, here's a statement you need to make:

Go home tonight, sit him down, look him directly in the eye (no wavering) and tell him that you have re-examined your priorities, you know that you have hurt him deeply and perhaps irreparably.

Tell him that you will NEVER do anything like that again.

Tell him that you are confident that you can repair this marriage and that you will work tirelessly to make things right (even if you are not entirely confident).

Tell him that you suspect he may have questions and assure him that you will anwer any questions he has and respect him and his strength enough to anwer tham honestly and completely. This is an open-ended offer good anytime anything at all occurs to him.

Lastly, you will have to finally admit that the divorce papers provided the reality check that you needed to realize just how much pain you have caused. Let him know that he has always such a rock that you took it for granted that he would always be there; that you don't want him to leave you, that you want your marriage.

 

Ask for six months. He has given you a year already, and he needs to see by your actions!

 

Is there a way to determine paternity before delivery of your unborn? Forgive my ignorance, but if there is, do it. remove that question mark as soon as you can, it is eating him up inside.

 

What else can I say? Male strength and ability to "fix" things only takes so much abuse. To be honest, I would probably be divorcing my wife if she had treated me like this even after DDay. I think he may have already checked out of your marriage, and if so, you have made an already near-impossible road much more difficult.

 

I do wish you and your husband luck, and my sincere hopes that you manage to pull it off. I hate to see children suffer when they could have grown up with TWO loving parents.

 

-Dazed

[Owl]

Two comments...

 

1. I too would almost certainly have divorced my wife had she not began to show some true changes and repentance for what had happened. Looking back...we began our reconciliation the same nite that I had come home after a major fight on the phone. She was just at the point where she was starting to get over the OM...and had said some very hurtful things to me. I gave up. I did what I had been avoiding for weeks...I contacted a legal service, spoke with a lawyer, and found out exactly how divorce works and what steps we'd have to take. I came home that night and told her that I was starting to believe that maybe that WAS what we needed...and walked her through the process. She cried, I cried...we fought more. Was much later that nite that we started the re-building process. Saving- You should likely think about how that worked in your own situation.

 

2. The next person to call me wise gets a black eye!! I'm anything but wise...I'm only here because of the stupidity and foolishness I've lived in for years. And the name Owl wasn't intended to have anything to do with wise...it's a name I've had for years due to something totally unrelated...and so it's become my nom-de-plume.

[Cis]

For two months - I've disclosed everything (probably too much) - answered all questions, discussed at length motivation, reasons etc. We've been more honest than we've ever been - we have nothing to lose! I've been remorseful - written letters to our family asking for forgiveness (by the way, I've forgiven him for some pretty upsetting things that he inflicted on us during our 11 year marriage).

 

But my husband still wanted to separate - he can't get over that I fell in "love" with someone else. He's talking less about filing papers for divorce..but I feel like he wants to punish me. I've moved out of the house - so now we can't even talk on a regular basis.

 

maybe he'll miss me.

[DazednConfused]

You are only at two months. At two months, I still wanted my wife to pay too. My point is that it's still early.

 

There is no forcing anyone to forgive anything, there is only doing the right thing, and hoping to get the time it will take to prove yourself.

 

I've been remorseful - written letters to our family asking for forgiveness (by the way, I've forgiven him for some pretty upsetting things that he inflicted on us during our 11 year marriage).

 

I think it is time to stop throwing old cards out in the hopes that the scales balance. If you truly had forgiven those transgressions of his, there would be no point in mentioning them now. I think perhaps instead of forgiving, you have simply lived with them in the hopes of using them for leverage down the line. <shrug>

 

You have done the most horrible thing one spouse can perpetrate upon another. You will never truly be able to make this up to him. All you have is to try to show him that you will not hurt him again like this. Ever.

 

I am glad he talks less about filing, there is some hope. Just keep doing what you're doing. Hide nothing, and be available to talk with him until you are so sick of it all you could scream. Then talk about it all some more.

 

This is not easy. The question is this: Is what you once had and the potential of what your marriage could be worth the effort? If it is, then keep your eye on the goal and let the rest take care of itself.

 

-Dazed