Wife made stupid mistake

[Cis]

Dazed - thank you. This is so hard. He takes all of the evidence that I turned over to him and is using it as "proof" that I don't love him and never loved him as much as I did my lover....

 

The truth is I was so intoxicated by the romantic love - not having had felt all of that in so long - I just lost myself - my judgment - my common sense - my self esteem - everything!

 

God - I wish my husband would focus on US and what we can do to improve our marriage - it's true - he wasn't a good companion and friend to me - I think he can do this now that he understands how much I need and want that. I wasn't fulfilling all of his needs either - and I want the chance to try.

 

This is the saddest thing I've ever dealt with...he doesn't think he can move past all of the memories...

 

pray for us!

[DazednConfused]

Cis,

 

Of course all my hopes and prayers for you. Please do not hesitate to ask if there is anything I may do to help you.

 

-D

[Cis]

Dazed...

 

I've never been separated before (I know you haven't either) - but I just don't know what's best. He is so angry with me, he won't verbally commit to working on the marriage (although he is going to individual therapy and marriage counseling with me), says he can't believe me...

 

Should I see him every time he asks (dates etc) - do we have sex? Sex is his number one most important emotional need...companionship/friendship is mine and we have really not been meeting those needs. But should we/can we when we are separated? I'm wondering if it might help if he misses me....

 

I wish I knew the ground rules....what's best etc. I'm so confused. Before I moved out we were sexually intimate, talking honestly, I was feeling closer to him than I had in a long time...but it turns out he was so enraged he was fantasizing about throwing me off a cliff while we were out taking a walk!

 

True - it's only been 5 days - but it feels like five years....

[DazednConfused]

Oh boy,

 

I thought i had control of this, but i guess they are like cockroaches and raid; they keep coming back and respawning newer and stronger strains.

 

Things are okay here, wife is still doing all the right things; the struggle is inside my head. Sometimes I think I'm losin my mind. Everybody says these images and thoughts fade with time; they don't mention that they mutate and while not as often, are much more vivid..... sucks. If you could see what I see when I close my eyes....It's like nightmares in High Def.

 

Wife thinks I am regressing and I don't think so, these things have little to do with her and everything to do with my psyche. Meanwhile, back to losing sleep and appetite (though not like it used to be).

 

<sigh> just another trip down the coaster....

 

- Dazed

[DazednConfused]

You have to do what feels right as does he. Some people need space to think clearly. Give it to him.

 

Something at some time made the two of you attractive to each other, if that is still there for both of you; you have hope.

 

Having sex with him could be tricky;

 

First, yer separated, so that makes baggage all by itself

 

Second, his sexual identity is robbed by your infidelity. he is afraid of being compared to your lover and found lacking. It is it is always okay for you to initiate sex, but make sure you do it because you feel attracted to him and it is natural. Not to prove anything. he stopped competing for your attention when he married you, don't make him feel like he is competing.

 

Third, there is a third person in bed with you all the time. Never let anything remind your husband of your lover while you are in bed or the show's over.

 

lastly, keep your expectations realistic; his performance may be pretty bad, but he has alot on his mind, never the least of which is wondering if you did all the same things with your lover....

 

I know what you are trying to do.... just let it happen at it's own pace, just be ready to take any opportunity that comes your way to prove yourself.

 

-Dazed

[whichwayisup]

Dazed, sorry to hear about the head trips...Exactly as you say it is...A Rollercoaster and you gotta ride this bad part out.

 

Don't laugh...(OK, well you can...) you ever think of trying Meditation? That could help your thoughts gather and say more focussed and positive.

 

AND...Dare I say it...Some one on one therapy for you??

 

2 suggestions for ya, take it or leave it.

 

Stay in the now my friend. That is what counts...

[pedwin]

Hi Everyone!!!

Dazed- I know what you mean about closing your eyes and seeing some pretty hard images. They never seem to go away. Just when I think we might be on the right track, I find out something else. It seems that in 2003 He was on the Internet to meet someone to the tune of $150.00. He said he just wanted someone to talk to. Don't forget we moved to Richmond in 2000 and he said that's when he ended the affair because he wanted a new start. God!!! He's killing me!!!!! I keep hanging in here hoping things will get better.

To Sis. I am really sorry for what you are going through. Your Husband is destroyed and you are going to have to let things take their course. I have not slept with my H in a long time. When I do again it will be when I feel safe and When I feel like he is clean. Your H has got to put himself first right now. First and foremost he has got to take care of himself. You sound like you love him. Do you? or do you just hate to lose? What made you cheat in the first place? I have not been able to go back and read your beginning posts. SORRY

You have come to the right place. There is no telling what would have happened to me without all the wonderful people at LS. Dazed was my inspiration. He hung in there and was so positive. Thank you Dazed!!!!

If your husband loves you he will sort things out and then come home but it will take a very long time for things to even faintly resemble normal. I am coming up to a year and we are still struggling.

Keep your chin up!

Pedwin

[pedwin]

Hi there,

I haven't seen anyone's post sice I posted last. Are you ok dazed? I haven't seen Sis on either. I hope everyone is ok. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Love Pedwin

[Cis]

Thanks for thinking of me....

 

Things aren't very good. It's been 3.5 months since I engaged in "radical honesty" with my husband. He remains, very hurt, angry and disgusted with me. He can't get images out of his head and he's not sure he ever will. He asked me to move out of the house - and I'm in the city now. We still go to counseling - but he was questioning if it was worth it since he was in no mood to put in the 110% he know is required.

 

Of course I'm very sad. I don't question I did the right thing telling him EVERYTHING - we couldn't continue on the way things were - and this did get his attention and insight into so much about me and my needs...and now just maybe we can address some of the things that were missing for us...

 

Now that everything's on the table and we know so much more - I wish he could commit to at least trying. Everyday (I think) he wants to file divorce papers...

 

I just have to enjoy everyday - I miss him so much, but I can't stop living. Life is too short - I'm so sorry I hurt him - but he was deaf to all of my pleadings..it's a shame. We took each other for granted. I love him.

 

I think Dazed is doing pretty well - he's a remarkable guy who can forgive - I sure wish my husband had that capacity.

[DazednConfused]

Hiya Peds and Cis;

 

I promise I am okay. March has been a real backslide month for me, but I am still here. With the examples that have happened here and with a few other contacts I use to help me with my issues, I am pretty well convinced that my wife simply isn't trying anymore. Not because she does not care, but because she thinks all is good in the world.

 

I don't see the point in continually beating her over the head with my issues, so I have been bottling them up. Folks, for any who are reading this; this is not a good thing. I decided today that I will begin IC the week after next. I need to channel this into something positive. With TMW's revelations of the last few weeks, and my wife's uncaring attitude, I have convinced myself that she will do this to me again. I am off to Vegas on business all next week, and all I can ask myself is..."Will this be the week she calls him and starts up again?"

 

It is causing me to disconnect. I know this is a defense mechanism, but it is making me resent my wife even more than I already had. Seriously, I just don't know if I still love my wife. I can hardly look at her this week. I spent two months writing my book and finished it a month ago. I told her about it, and that she could read it any time.... she hasn't even deigned to start. My soul is in that thing, and she can't be bothered! How nice!

 

I have even gone so far as to make arrangements to get her car paid off in full in case we split up, so she won't have a car payment to deal with. Sick huh?

 

Anyway, thank you for asking. I am sorry that I am not the forgiving, strong man you believe I am.

 

-Dazed

[pedwin]

Dazed,

I am so sorry to hear you are in a bad place. I know exactly how you feel though. I go through it every day. My H is totally sick of hearing about what he did and how I feel about it. In his mind it is over and time to move on. He said that we either need to get on with life or call it a day. He said he was sick of the tension in this house. ( TENSION, ya think????) I am leaving for Florida on Monday for two weeks and I worry and wonder what he is going to do while I am away. Will he bring some skank in my home in my bed???? What a nice feeling to take on vacation with me. I kept putting off buying my ticket. I finally said the hell with it. He cheated right under my nose so me leaving shouldn't make a difference.

Your wife is probably thinking everything is ok now because she is not cheating. They forget how much pain they put us through.

I am thinking about you. I believe you are a very strong person and that you love your wife very much. You are just in a funk right now because your feelings are being ignored.

BIG HUGS

Pedwin

[whichwayisup]

I am sorry that I am not the forgiving, strong man you believe I am.

 

Yeah, you're allowed to have weak moments, as many as you want! Don't ever be sorry on here! And you are just as strong, if not STRONGER, now today than you were yesterday...You may not see it but we all do.

 

Have a safe trip and Happy Easter.

[sylviaguardian]

Hi dazed,

 

Sorry to hear it's been a bad month. Can't really give too much advice (not exactly been a winner myself) but just wanted to give you a big HUG. Just a couple of things to think about...

 

Originally posted by DazednConfused

I am pretty well convinced that my wife simply isn't trying anymore. Not because she does not care, but because she thinks all is good in the world.

 

Cheaters do forget faster. Would it help to remind your wife that you are still struggling? Remember they say communication is everything. You have come so far Dazed...don't give up now.

I don't see the point in continually beating her over the head with my issues, so I have been bottling them up. Folks, for any who are reading this; this is not a good thing.

 

You don't have to tell me that bottling things up ain't good! It leads to a rampant imagination! You need to unbottle them. You are not continually beating up your wife by expressing concerns. You need to do this and she needs to continue to allay your concerns.

 

I decided today that I will begin IC the week after next. I need to channel this into something positive.

 

That's good. I know myself that the only good thing to come out of months of hell is that I have found new ways of dealing with Xhit and have surprised myself.You are obviously a strong person - use it to help yourself

 

With TMW's revelations of the last few weeks, and my wife's uncaring attitude, I have convinced myself that she will do this to me again. I am off to Vegas on business all next week, and all I can ask myself is..."Will this be the week she calls him and starts up again?"

 

It is causing me to disconnect. I know this is a defense mechanism, but it is making me resent my wife even more than I already had.

 

Yes, I can relate to that so much. Before my h left, he announced one day that he had to stay late to go to a work dinner. OK, I thought to myself, he's still seeing her, it's still all going on. Of course, my case is different, but H did bring home the menus to prove that where he had been and came straight home afterwards. You MUST tell your wife how worried you are. Probably she will have no idea. together you could come up with some way to allay yoyr fears - maybe she could have friends over or call you every night. These ideas may or may not be true,but one thing is sure - your imagination will drive you crazy if you don't check it.

 

Seriously, I just don't know if I still love my wife. I can hardly look at her this week. I spent two months writing my book and finished it a month ago. I told her about it, and that she could read it any time.... she hasn't even deigned to start. My soul is in that thing, and she can't be bothered! How nice!

 

Yep, that is hurtful. I wrote my h several letters which he admittedly read, but couldn't be bothered to comment on, or reply to. The only thing that I could say in your wife's defence is that maybe it's painful to read?

 

I have even gone so far as to make arrangements to get her car paid off in full in case we split up, so she won't have a car payment to deal with. Sick huh?

 

Anyway, thank you for asking. I am sorry that I am not the forgiving, strong man you believe I am.

 

None of us can be strong all the time dazed. We don't just make a decision to forgive and stick to it. There will always be moments of doubt. That's only natural. If you want to keep making the marriage work (and you have no evidence to suggest that your wife is doing anything wrong) you have to try to ignore the doubts.

 

Hang in there Dazed. You will be OK,

 

Syl

[whichwayisup]

Yep, that is hurtful. I wrote my h several letters which he admittedly read, but couldn't be bothered to comment on, or reply to. The only thing that I could say in your wife's defence is that maybe it's painful to read?

I agree with you on that Syl. Unfortunately Dazed she caused you that pain and when you feel it like you are now, I think she does need to know. Not out of spite to make her feel horrible and guilty - But for her to give you the chance to tell you again she's sorry, tell you she loves you and that is in the past - What counts is the now.

 

I can't say too much more, I'm sure our Wise one will come by soon too.

 

Hugs again D.

[DazednConfused]

Hi guys,

 

Thank you for your kindness.

 

WW, I did recieve your email. Thank you for your thoughts.

 

Last week was a terrible thing. W and I were both distant, did not make love all week, (which is unheard of throughout our 18 years together) On Friday night, of course, she's by then pretty horny, but I just couldn't do it. I told her why, which began another immediate tearful sobbing guilt-fest by my W. I just could not even muster enough emotion about it to care. I told her that when I try to tell her how I feel it just turns into another time for me to soothe her guilt. I told her it was all bullsh*t and it was time to hear me. I did not and will not ever mention my book to her again. She damn well knows it's here.

 

We had a good discussion. No, I don't believe she is going to start up the affair again this week, or ever. But then again, neither did TMW or the thousands of others that have been doubly betrayed. <shrug> Bottom line; I still cannot believe anything simply on faith.

 

Yes, I am protecting myself. I think I have that right. I can literally feel my anger and fear getting the best of me, but maybe that's not all bad. Perhaps I should disconnect so that it does not hurt as much when she does it again. See, I think that if she does nothing to improve herself or find the character flaw within herself that caused her weakness, she is vulnerable. I cannot make her be a different person; I can only hedge my bet. I know now that she is not that woman I beleived she was, and so cannot be held to the same standards.

 

As for checking up.... I am finished with that too. I have had enough. If she wants to cheat, she is going to find a way and the time to do so. I know I could if I wanted to, even with my wife able to check my every move.

 

Anyway; thank you all for the kind words and thoughts. I cannot tell you what each of you has meant to me over the past year. I cannot possibly know what the future will bring.

 

-Dazed

[whichwayisup]

You're so welcome D.

 

I know you're tired of it all and just want to live without that craziness in your life. Wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all better. Unfortunately I can't. Only time is on your side and the desire to keep living and being married.

 

Honestly I don't know what else to say except that my thoughts are with ya and hoping you feel more like yourself again soon. I had to reply to your post though. Just one of those things!

 

Hugs!

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by DazednConfused

I can literally feel my anger and fear getting the best of me, but maybe that's not all bad. Perhaps I should disconnect so that it does not hurt as much when she does it again. See, I think that if she does nothing to improve herself or find the character flaw within herself that caused her weakness, she is vulnerable.

 

I totally get that. I'm having a bad weekend too. He's stressed out for some reason and has bitten my head clean off twice now, over the last two days. (I think he's just not feeling at all well, physically.)

 

Episodes like that put you right back in the bad place. It feels overwhelming, like nothing has changed. Like all the progress you thought you had made was just wishful thinking.

 

And I also feel the need to withdraw, so that I feel safer. I'm trying to resist the REALLY strong urge to do that, but it's not easy.

 

I know I have to keep resisting it though, because if I stop....it's over. He can't do this on his own. If he could...we wouldn't be here.

 

Emotional distance is only valuable when you're ending a relationship. At least that's my thought on it, anyway. So, if I let that distance back in, then we truly will be back where we started. All that would be left after that is to throw in the towel, and move on.

 

It sucks to be in the position of supporting the other person, when you feel like you could use a little TLC for yourself.

[DazednConfused]

Agreed.

 

I guess if it seemed like she was half as invested in saving our marriage as she is in saving her standard of living, I could continue the struggle.

 

I'm tired. I'm pissed off. I have done it all so far. enough.

 

I am outta here, will post again in about a week or so.

 

be good.

 

-Dazed

[pedwin]

Hi there,

Happy Easter

I'm hauling ass my self. Going to Florida!!! YIPPEE!

I'll post when I get back.

Take care of yourselves.

Love Pedwin

[sylviaguardian]

dazed,

 

I am sorry things are so bad right now for you. i can't give any advice apart from, try to distance yourself sometimes and do something that makes you feel good. Go out for a beer with a friend who knows nothing about it. I t can be really therapautic to get some distance and it's not good to constantly have your guts churning.

 

Originally posted by DazednConfused

Perhaps I should disconnect so that it does not hurt as much when she does it again. See, I think that if she does nothing to improve herself or find the character flaw within herself that caused her weakness, she is vulnerable. I cannot make her be a different person; I can only hedge my bet. I know now that she is not that woman I beleived she was, and so cannot be held to the same standards.

 

be careful with this one. This is what I started to think with my H and once the thought was there, it just didn't go away, it got bigger and bigger. I was only married for 8 years so I guess it's possible that I just made a mistake. However, you have been with your wife so long, you MUST know her.

 

Sigh, I know what you mean though. My H's idea of changing was to start appearing at home more often, interacting with the kids more often and taking me out (once!). At no point did he think through his behaviour or even appear to be really sorry. Sure, he's sorry for how things have ended up, but I never got the impression that he thought his behaviour was really wrong.

 

As for checking up.... I am finished with that too. I have had enough. If she wants to cheat, she is going to find a way and the time to do so. I know I could if I wanted to, even with my wife able to check my every move.

 

I'm done with that too - it's a waste of time. Time you could use for yourself.

 

I cannot possibly know what the future will bring.

 

Dazed, none of us can know what the future will bring. People who realise that in life are the ones who are a step ahead of the rest. The only thing to do is to enjoy what you have today.

 

Good luck friend. Remember : This too shall pass.

 

Syl

 

-Dazed

[Linlin]

Originally posted by DazednConfused

Agreed.

 

I guess if it seemed like she was half as invested in saving our marriage as she is in saving her standard of living, I could continue the struggle.

 

I'm tired. I'm pissed off. I have done it all so far. enough.

 

 

Not happy to hear this Dazed. You have me worried with what is going on with you. I am worried about you since we went through this together. We need to get you to a health palce my friend.

 

PM when you get a chance. Like ASAP so we can talk!

[Cis]

Dazed-

 

I shared your book with my husband (I've read it many times). He returned it and said that your words were so descriptive of what he was feeling that he could have written the same words.

 

I hope you're proud of that work - it has been helpful to me - and when I get sad about his detachment your book helps me remember the state of my husband's emotional state.

 

God I feel so terrible for what I've done to him. I beg for his forgiveness but I guess he can't do it.

 

Tomorrow's my 50th birthday (sigh) - I so wanted to spend it with my husband, but he's disgusted with me and is in too much pain. I'm disgusted with me - but I HAVE to spend my birthday with me!

 

I hope we all will be in a better place soon. Sometimes life is just too hard.

 

Take Care

Cis

[DazednConfused]

Okay, so I left on business for the entirety of last week. I was extremely wigged because I know how often cheaters will repeat the offense. Needless to say the week sucked bad.

 

Since my return from my trip, I have found where my wife has been on my comp and read many of the poems, laments, and rants that I have written since June of last year. She FINALLY deigned to read my book.

 

So I walk into my office on Friday afternoon and find an envelope. On the front it says "Have I told you everything? (For when you are ready)" Well, goddamn DUH! Of course I read it immediately!

 

In the letter, she detailed an episode of a Saturday morning in which she met him at an extremely sleazy hourly motel downtown. So once again, I am at square one.

 

Ya know what pisses me off the most? Strangely; it is that that piece of **** OM didn't even respect my wife enough to take her to a decent place to ****. i.e. they ****ed on a desk at work, in the woods, in her car (not his...too crappy little car), and a hotel where even the basest hookers in town wouldn't be caught! I was insulted on her behalf! I, on the other hand have never considered anything less that the best for her. Nor would she ever have been caught dead in a place like that. <sigh>

 

God, she was a totally different person with him. He treated her as his personal ****bag and she let him. I thought she had more self-respect than that! Of course, I once thought that people in general were decent and trustworthy. Wrong again!

 

I am so close to simply chucking it all in the trash! Enough already.

 

-Dazed

[Owl]

Dazed-

 

So what was her intent in providing you this latest tidbit of information? Was it to let you know the last, final secret she'd been hiding, so that it would all FINALLY out in the open? Or was it to make you feel worse about things? And what did you two do over the weekend? Have you talked about what she wrote, why she wrote it, what she read from your stuff???

 

I know your worry friend...I know it well. My wife too wants her affair to be "over with, and forgotten". She's always tried to deal with things that way...and of course, since this time she's NOT the victim, but the person who caused the pain, she is even MORE wanting it to be forgotten. This weekend we had entirely to ourselves, and we actually did have a good weekend for the most part. But Saturday morning the subject came up (because of some friends that we know that are dealing with a similar issue), and she made the statement that "You haven't forgiven me. If you had forgiven me, you would forget about what happened." She really just cannot understand how enormous what she did was...and how impossible forgetting it is for me (at least right now).

 

I think that perhaps your wife might be at that same point in this...she's wishing that it had never happened, and is wanting you to start acting like it hadn't.

 

I struggle with WHY she left you that letter tho...it seems to me that you two need to sit and discuss it. Are you both still in MC? My wife and I are, albeit only monthly at this point. Its something to consider...it seems to me that you both still have issues to deal with, same as in my situation.

 

Hang in there friend.

[whichwayisup]

I just sent you an email...

 

OK I feel so rotten, this wasn't what I was expecting to hear back from you about after that trip of yours. I'm really sorry and I can totally understand the frustration I'm sure you're feeling right now.

 

All I can say is DO what is right for YOU.

 

Lots of hugs D.