Wife made stupid mistake

[DazednConfused]

Thank you for your input!

 

I appreciate all of your support, it is truly wonderful to have people like yourselves to help reinforce and relate to my situation.

 

Lin,

 

Of course i will come on up there and set your husband straight. From your posts, i think he needs it as much as anyone. of course, if he is bigger than i am, I may need a weapon....

 

I am so happy for you and your new home! Congratulations! I almost envy you your fresh start. I know you will be happy again, and it sounds like it can be sooner rather than later....

 

I thnk your husband probably will see the error of his ways once the separation finally takes place and come crawling back. I think it would be wise for you to decide what you will do when that happens and have your response ready. You have your reasons either way, just be ready with them.

 

Everybody is telling me not to hit this piece of trash, but I think that is exactly what he needs. Yep, he could press charges, but I gotta say, whatever the consequences, It will be worth it. If there are charges, I will simply ask for a jury trial. Given the circumstances, not a jury in the world will blame me for doing it. I will happily pay the fine and wash my hands of the whole thing. Again, just something I have to do for my own self-respect, and I will depend upon fate to provide me the opportunity.

 

And so it goes, day to day.

[jmargel]

Don't ever act on emotion when it comes to this. When I was with my ex-fiancee, the last 4-5 months of it, my best friend of 15 years was hitting on her, saying things to her. Granted things between me & her were rough, but this made it worse. She ended up leaving me for him. The day I found out what he was doing, I walked right into his house & grabbed him by the throat. I was extremely pissed, not because of what she did, but that he lied to me before about it, when I asked him. I grew up w/ this guy & he was a part of our family.

 

He was like a deer in headlights, couldn't move. It took me a second to realize I had two options:

 

1) I could kill this guy or hurt him extremely bad, but where would it get me? I couldn't undo the past. She is gone, and will just make the breakup that much more ugly. Not only that but I would be arrested, and in the end he'll have the last laugh knowing I'm in jail.

 

2) I could be the better guy & let him go. But to warn him to never let his guard down, I will always be a threat.

 

I chose option 2, which in the end was better. He lives next door to my folks. So anytime he sees me visiting, he quickly leaves or runs in his house. When my ex came over last summer to say her apologies to me, both her & me knew what he had to say about it wouldn't make a difference. He is the true coward.

 

If you see this guy, there's nothing wrong with you saying you are always going to be a threat to him, that he better watch his back. That'll do alot more psychological harm, then you actually hitting him & going to jail. Intimidation itself does wonders. Just don't threaten to kill him. Use your words carefully.

[TempSain]

OR you can always hurt him Ninja style.

Some people truly need a beating.

[DazednConfused]

Things are getting better in my house....

 

Wife and I are getting along well, doing our self-counseling through the books I have purchased. We have a weekly night out where we discuss our issues and our feelings, etc.

 

I still obsess sometimes, but have become better at working yself out of that frame of mind. Haven't so much as seen slimebag since that time on the road.

 

We have identified the cause of my wife's affair as her need to affirm her youth and attractiveness. From a male point of view, it doesn't get much weaker as a reason, but the experts say that about 30-40% of unfaithful wives have affairs for just that reason. They also say that women who have these types of affairs are unlikely to be repeat offenders, so that's good.

 

Nothing is wonderful yet, (except the sex), but I think we will get there. Lol, don't know if anyone is still interested, but thought I would post an update.

[TempSain]

yes we are interested.

 

You give hope to those that are ready to throw in the towel.

Too often people come in to this forum, rant about a few things and nover come back and give an update.

Some of us (me included) have alot of time at work and read alot here.)

[Unsure]

Dear Dazed...

 

I read this thread with zeal. Your situation sounds so similar to my own that I was dying to get to the end and find out how it all worked out. Your thoughts (Her breaking her vows doesn't mean you can break yours - for better or for worse means what it means), your sleeplessness, the feelings of rage and hurt you have so eloquently written about, the desire to not tell family for the same reasons you offered.. They are all so similar to how I've been feeling.

 

I've been married for just over 2 years. For the entire time that my wife and I have been living together (the last 4 years), she has spent her summers doing summer stock theatre. As she was finishing up her last couple of weeks there this year, I came to visit her. I found several condoms in the trash can in her room. She admitted having a relationship with someone she was working with.

 

We did the usual scream, break things, try my damndest not to either hit her or hunt the bastard down and kill him thing. She had a week left on her contract, but I insisted that she leave early, which she did. The good thing is that neither I nor she will likely ever see him again, he lives several states away.

 

Here's my problem... She still talks to him on the phone. She's actually on the phone as I type this, trying to tell him that she can't talk to him as much. She claims that she wants to be friends with him, and it's killing me. She is friends with several of her ex's, and it's never been a problem. She even invited an ex-fiance to our wedding, and I was fine with it. I thought that I would be ok with them talking, since we live so far away, and the affair was over. I'm not.

 

Today I tried to force her into an ultimatum - never talk to him again or I leave. She got so upset by it that I ended up backing out of it. She tells me that if I force her not to talk to him, that she won't be able to work her feelings for him out. I've decided to go another route - that is printing out everything I can find that says that maintaining contact is counter-productive to getting past this. I'm very open to ideas though.

 

I love this woman with a force that is so overwhelming to me --- I can't even describe how important she is to me. I would literally give her anything she asked for. She is - was - my happiness, my joy. I'm filled with nothing but sorrow now. It's been 3 weeks, and I can't find happiness.

 

I found her journal that she started recently, which I promptly read... I felt a bit guilty, but knew that I had no reason to offer her trust or privacy. It was filled with thoughts of him. How she had dreamed about him as recently as last night, that she still loved him, etc. This was what prompted the ultimatim. I couldn't tell her the real reason why I was so insistant that she not talk to him because I didn't want her to know that I had been in her journal.

 

I hate it when I have to tell these things to people - it makes me feel like such a fool. I'm embarrassed at the concessions that I've made, but I don't know that an ultimatum is what is going to be most healthy for our relationship. We are going to counciling next week. We'll see what the councilor has to say. I'm determined to work it out, and thankful that we don't have kids yet. I'd be interested to hear what books you have been reading that you found helpful.

 

You're an inspiration to me - I can't tell you how good it feels to know that someone feels the same as I do, even if it does mean that someone has to feel this bad. If I can offer one piece of advice - sleeping pills. It's the only way I've slept since this happened. I was like you, walking the halls till 4 am, finally falling asleep only to have a nightmare and wake up at 5am.

 

I wish you and your family all the best. Please keep letting us know how you are doing.

[pedwin]

I'm Pedwin,

If you read my threads you will find I am in the same boat as you...almost. My husband cheated for 6 years. before and after our wedding. He walked down the aisle and lied to God.

You sound like the type of man every woman wants. Is your wife crazy? You tell her for me Not to take you for granted because you won't be out there long and someone will gladly snatch you up.

Just like you I was the one doing all the special things and treating him like a king. I guess he wanted more,more,more. I talked to the OW last night and she never knew I existed. He lived a double life. I took care of his three kids and he spent his time in a motel playing sex games.

I feel the same pain as you and see the same damn images. We are in therapy but it is not helping him. He is a smooth dude and is telling me and the therapist exactly what we want to hear.

You must be very special to give her encouragement and say she is in pain to. It's not the same pain!!!!!!!

Good luck this weekend with your talk. I hope it helps!

If she lets you go, let me know.LOL

Pedwin

 

P.S. DON'T WORRY ABOUT KICKING THE OM A$$. I'M SURE HIS WIFE IS GIVING HIM ENOUGH HELL TO LAST A LIFETIME. HAHA!

[whichwayisup]

Hey Dazed. Everything you have gone through has blown me away. You're really a strong person to go through all this. Your wife is an extremely lucky woman to have you as a husband.

 

I read those letters and I must say you could not have said it any better! It's perfect and I do hope you send them. That was straight from the heart and honest. Perfect! Now just get the nerve up and send them. It will enlighten you and you'll feel even better and more in control of this situation. I think the *sshole's wife will appreciate your words too.

 

I can't give too much advice here, but keep on doing what you're doing. And keep posting, I know myself and many others included here care and want to see things work out with you both.

 

Beating this guy up, Hmm, I like the sound of that, he definately deserves it BIG TIME!! But he is not worth any kind of effort. The letter is amazing, yeh I said that already...lol...You are the better person here ofcourse and this guy worse than scum crap on the bottom of a fish tank! I feel for his wife. She deserves so much better too. Have you told her about this site? Maybe she could benefit from getting support here as well? Just a thought.

 

I hope things are going well now and your mind is abit more at ease.

 

All the best.

 

WWIU

[DazednConfused]

Thanks all for your support! I am hanging in. Was up until after 3 am on Saturday night obsessing again. (happily these are becoming fewer and farther between). Wife saw slimebag on her way to work this morning and promptly called me to let me know. I know where he is working now so I have a new focus to my control in not going there to pay him a "visit". So far so good, it's been about an hour.

 

Unsure - I feel your pain. I think you are doing right in finding all of the things out there that tell you no-contact is the only way. You should be able to find plenty. She left early for you, and that is a good thing. She still talks to him, that is very bad. Someone, I think it was J tols me repeatedly not to worry about my wife's feelings when deciding what I need to get past this, and it was great advice. You are the one who was betrayed, you have every right to dictate to her what will happen if she wishes to stay in your marriage. Don't let her lie to you or herself that she "needs" this guy in her life.... she does not.

 

Read her journals, her checkbook, her emails, check up on her as much and however you like. If she is staying, she needs to know that you have lost all of your faith in her, and that the only way to regain it is to give you complete accountability.

 

For Books; I have read a bunch, both online and in print. Marrigebuilders.com is great. Wife and I are reading His Needs/Her needs and Fall in Love, Stay in love from that site one chapter a week. Torn Asunder by Dave Carder has been my bible as it is focused upon the betrayed spouse in infidelity. How to Break Free from the Affair by Dr. Robert huizenga is amazing for insight and some actions that you can take. Drop me a PM with a fax number and I have a couple of things you might be interested in as well.

 

My friend, you have chosen a rocky and sometimes blocked road. It sounds like you have made up your mind, but you need to be sure she has too. She has to want this as much as you, or you may as well walk away now. Let me know how it goes!

 

Pedwin - Your situation really sucks. This little boy you married wouldn't know a good thing if it smacked him in the nutz. I have read your threads and posts, and I see you are swinging hard back and forth to extremes. I think for you to go on will require a herculean effort of will power on your part to deal with the past. I know that what he did is horribly offensive, but consider your own state of mind and how many different people you feel like these days. It is possible for people to truly separate their consciousness and live two different lives. I am not defending the little weasel, but am offering the probability that his infidelities had less to do with you, and more to do with his insecurity as a man. You probably were only a minor consideration. hurts to hear, but it is true.

Keep your head up high, it ain't your fault, and you did not provoke this. All you can do is your best.

 

Which Way, thank you for the encouragement! I sent those letters about 5 weeks ago, and heard nothing. I didn't expect to but....

I am glad that most everyone liked them tho. I have decided on the issue of causing him physical harm.... I will do it when fate hands me the opportunity. I won't go look for him (as tempting and truly liberating as it sounds), but have put my reckoning in the hands of fate.

 

 

For my wife and I; one day at a time. She has been and done everything I could ask. I mentioned divorce and my inability to plan a distant future in a calm and relaxed atmosphere the other day, and she cried like I have never seen. She wants to put this all behind us (Though she has never said as much), and while I have said she cannot repay this debt, I still somehow think I need something from her. And I have no idea what. All I know is that there is still something nagging at my mind and I cannot work it out because I don't recognize it.

 

The whole thing still sucks. I wish, I wish, I wish.... does no good, so the struggle will continue.

[pedwin]

Hi Dazed,

I think we should have a payback affair!!! What do you think?lol Just kidding.lol

You are really some man in my book. I had one like you but he was an alcoholic and in 1992 he shot himself in the head.

Explain what you mean by swinging back and forth th extremes. I didn't know I was doing that but it doesn't surprise me. I don't know if I will ever be able to let this go because he is still lying. If he had sat me down and said this is the way it happened and told the truth. I would at least know he was trying. I can't believe a word he says. He has never changed in personality throughout the whole affair. He was loving, kind, great sex, etc. There was nothing different then and now. If it comes to putting my feelings first he is unable to do that. He can't put his children first either.

Thanks for writing

Pedwin

[whichwayisup]

You're trying your hardest and that is great! I do hope those thoughts and feelings that hit ya so late at night totally go away.

 

Don't land in jail if ya get that opportunity to get that *sshole! But if you do end up smackin' me I'll stand up and CHEER!!

 

Have a wonderful day.

 

WWIU

[Linlin]

Seriously,

 

There are some really pathetic people like my H out there. However, you guys are proof that there are alot of good men and women out there as well.

 

I have finally sold my house and have moved. I have been about 2 weeks without my h and am doing great and so are the kids.

 

I told him the other night that I am thinking about filing for divorce. We met for coffee tonight to talk about it and he just doesn't get it. He thinks that this is just some phase that I am going through and that we will get back together after he is done screwing his girlfriend. Yes, he still talks and sees her all the time.

 

I told him that if he really wants to make things better, get rid of her. He told me that I need to show him that I want him back, beg in other words, then maybe he will get rid of her. Forget that!!! Yet he doesn't want a divorce because the kids need 2 parents. I told him that I can do both jobs and he should have thought about that before he was screwing someone else. He said that if I divorce him that he is going to do running to her and get "serious" with her. I told him go ahead and do that I don't care but I will be the biggest bitch to him that he has ever seen, I have been fairly civil and amicable up until this point.

 

Anyway, I don't think him and I will ever see eye to eye on this.

 

Dazed, you have been in my thoughts. I will send you a PM soon. I am back to work in a couple of weeks. Vacation time is almost over,

 

The the rest of you, hang in there. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

[DazednConfused]

I am proud of you. You have done everything you said you would do if if your little boy husband would not stop chasing that tramp. I imagine you getting settled in to your new place and all, and I hope it is everything you hoped it would be.

 

It sounds like your husband thinks he holds some power. lol. He just doesn't get it does he?

 

I guess it is time for a three month update in my house....

 

I guess I am improving. This week has truly sucked, but it is because of my own musings. I turned 36 on Sunday, played golf early Sunday morning and returned home to celebrate my bday. Then I recalled my wife leaving for several hours on my last bday supposedly to visit her sister. I could not help but wonder if she went out and got laid.

 

Of course it was in the past, and I am supposed to put it all behind me, but man, the thought really messed me up. I did not sleep Sunday night, and so started the week sleep deprived and miserable.

 

I am lots better at not obsessing and staying in the present, but sometimes it all rushes back fresh and screws with the ol' emotions.

 

I have been very firm about my desire to get through this and my confidence that I can; as of this week, I am not sure anymore. I am starting to see some of our old patterns starting to kick in, and it scares the hell outta me. (Not the lying, affair stuff, just the "comfortable old shoe" type stuff) Because if i let that happen, then what has really changed for the better? Then I wonder if things are not better, why should I hang around??

 

Of course, there will have to come a time when things are comfortable again, but is it too soon?

 

I still look at her and wonder if I want to slap her or kiss her. And yet she is trying so hard. There is not a doubt in my mind that she wants me and our marriage, I wonder if I want it anymore.

 

I am tired of this drama. I am sick of hurting. I am fed up with suspicion. And I am still angry as hell that she could do this to me. There are a trillion loyal women out there who would never cheat on their husband no matter how poorly they were treated; I treat mine like a queen and she goes and does another man. Go figure.

 

I guess I am finished ranting for now. Sometimes it just helps to write these things out.

 

-D

[whichwayisup]

Dazed...I agree. The more you write out your thoughts and feelings the better you will feel. I know that from my own experience too.

 

Don't try and figure out what is in her head or why she did what she did. You are just going to drive yourself nuts over it and make it worse for yourself. Yeah that's easier said than done I know!

 

I know you probably don't want to hear this, but seeing a therapist might get you through this. Teach you how to handle those negative thoughts and cope with the daily trust issues too. Remember, this is only to help YOU. Put yourself first for a while. Try not to distrust her until she gives you a real reason...You said about falling into a pattern, like an old shoe..That just happens you have no control over that. Life just gets in the way sometimes. You seem to be trying your hardest to hang on to her, sexually and emotionally. Maybe it moved too fast and it's time to sit back, spend time just cuddling and holding eachother??? I don't know, I could be completely wrong too. 3 months isn't that long for everything to be back to normal.

 

Give yourself time to feel what you feel, you might waiver back and forth for quite a while so don't go and beat yourself up over it. Don't predict the future, live in the now. I am slowly learning how to do that too. It can be really hard at times but it will be harder for you worrying about the what if's.

Wish I could offer more advice, but I really can't because I only know what you say here, I don't know the dynamtic with you two and how things really are.

 

Hope this helps abit.

 

WWIU

[Linlin]

Dazed,

 

Hang in there buddy. I know how you feel. That is why I am feeling this way about divorcing him. I am sick and tired of the drama and the soap opera that has become my life. I guess only time will tell if you can decide if you can forgive and "forget." If not, you may have no choice but to move on, but it is way too early for this. Remember it takes about 2 years to get back on track. It is a tough go though. The difference between our situations as you know is that your wife is sorry, mine is not really. And he still sees her to boot. As my neighbour said," she is a free lay anytime he wants it. He doesn't even have to buy her dinner. He can brin ga bottle of wine if he is feeling generous."

 

Happy birthday by the way. Hope you made the best of it.

 

Shywon,

 

Try to go through all your features again. I tried to PM you but it says you are either not enable or a member. Do you have another email address?

 

Take care everyone.

[Lonewolf]

Dazed,

 

It's amazing how closely related our stories are. Close to 2 months ago, I also caught my wife cheating on me with a co-worker. I called his wife and told her, and now their marriage is ended. I also made my wife apologize to her, and swear she never had any form of contact with this individual again. If I find out he has approached her, I'll probably go beat the living daylights out of him. But, we're working on it. She says I'm the one closest to her heart, and I can see she's in pain.

 

Every day for me is mentally a living hell. I try to show affections, and appear happy but it's so dang hard. I don't know whether to slap her or hug her. I have big problems being alone, because I get "reruns" of the episodes in my head. I haven't had a good nights sleep in weeks. I guess the images I have in my head is my own fault, since I asked her for very specific and detailed information. But I have this urge to know it all. I don't want this bastard to know more about what happened than I do.

 

So, it's hard. But things are a little bit better now. And hopefully, I'll get rid of these feelings some day. I will try to forgive, but never forget. I really hope this ends well, because I love my wife with all my heart and this has definitely been the biggest shock of my life.

 

Anyways, hang in there. I will follow up on you. Reading this thread has really helped me too, as the stories we share are so similar.

 

 

-Lonewolf

[jmargel]

There are an infinite number of possible scenarios that can chip away at the moral underpinnings of a marriage. Every slight rejection, insult and inconsiderate act weakens the framework of a relationship and every rebuked attempt to repair that relationship severs the trust and loyalty that are the building blocks of a strong marriage.

 

At some point something breaks for one of the partners, and it's at that moment that an affair becomes a possibility.

 

In essence, for any of us who have sought a romantic attachment outside of marriage, a period of depression and helplessness precedes the relationship. Something - let's call it the "Moral Center"- collapses. In a state of emotional deprivation, principles and values become so weak as to be no more than an imperceptible memory of what one should do. At that point monogamy can appear like a prison sentence rather than the natural expression of a committed and loving relationship. The affair then becomes the "sweet" antidote to the unmet needs and depression that result from an unhappy marriage.

 

I don't condone or support what a cheating spouse may do, but I have compassion for their suffering, confusion and sense of desperation.

 

An affair, such as one chooses to enter, does not just happen by chance. It's neither a momentary moral slip that anyone of us can fall prey to, nor a basically irrelevant statement about marriage. A romantic affair can only occur in a marriage that is lacking exactly those ingredients that make a marriage succeed: friendship, trust, love and commitment.

 

So what I am trying to get at is Dazed, that you are just trying to get through her affair. You are only dealing with the topics. She cheated on you for a reason. It was not revenge, but it was because she was lacking something so bad, something you weren't giving her, she had to look elsewhere. You aren't dealing with the WHY she did this. You need to work on this with her. You both have to accept responsibility for what you two have done. Just trying to 'survive' this won't work. You'll give up in frustration. You are already frustrated. Are you still going to counseling? If so, is it working? If not, find another one. Has she said what she feels is missing in the relationship? That is also very important.

[DazednConfused]

Good Morning,

 

So what I am trying to get at is Dazed, that you are just trying to get through her affair. You are only dealing with the topics. She cheated on you for a reason. It was not revenge, but it was because she was lacking something so bad, something you weren't giving her, she had to look elsewhere. You aren't dealing with the WHY she did this. You need to work on this with her. You both have to accept responsibility for what you two have done. Just trying to 'survive' this won't work. You'll give up in frustration. You are already frustrated. Are you still going to counseling? If so, is it working? If not, find another one. Has she said what she feels is missing in the relationship? That is also very important.

 

 

J,

 

You have obviously done alot of soul-searching and research on infidelity over the years since your former fiance burned you. Many of your insights and theories are amazing. I have seen some incredible posts that you have written.

 

I am just trying to get thru her affair? Yup.

 

Just dealing with topics? Nooooooooo sir! To use an analogy that you are fond of.... the weed that grew from her need to reaffirm her youth and attractiveness has been yanked by the roots and the surrounding area doused in roundup. And while it is good to know and accept the reason for what she did... it simply does not absolve the residual feelings and repurcussions; the backlash if you will. While we are most definately dealing with the "why"; much of what you read here on this forum from me deals with the backlash.

 

Further, and perhaps we are a strange case, (and we are, according to my research and yours); a methodical and painstaking search for the "missing need" has come up fruitless. This is thru both counseling and personal reflection and candid discussions together. We have identified many things which I could have been better in providing, but nothing that she or I would say was truly lacking or missing all together. I have been (And I can say this with confidence) a model husband; better than most. Honestly J, I would be relieved to find that missing element, so that I could truly "own" my part in this fiasco. We are still looking and perhaps we will find it.

 

To return to your analogy, what is the best defense against weeds in your lawn? A healthy lawn. If crabgrass takes root, it can weaken a large chunk of healthy grass around it. Remove the crabgrass, and you have a patch that needs to be reseeded, also while waiting for the seed to take, the edges are vulnerable to dandelions.....

 

What I am trying to say J, is that her affair has caused a massive setback. I gave all of myself to this woman; everything. I never did anything without considering her. Her feelings, her opinions, whether she would appreciate or approve, etc. She was not just my wife, she was my very best friend. My entire existence was centered on her. And I thought hers on me. I was supremely confident in that fact. Our bond was unshakeable. What she has done has caused such intense pain, anger, contempt, and resentment in me. It kills me to have put so much faith and trust into her, only to have her crush it all underfoot as she has done. For over seventeen years, I have never felt a single doubt about what I wanted, but her recent actions have opened the door and cause me to question whether she deserves me.

 

So now I am disillusioned. I am betrayed. My brain cannot wrap around the facts. Perhaps in time it will, but sometimes I can't help but be overwhelmed and fatigued. I hate what she did to me and to herself. You are correct, I am frustrated as hell, I know I did not deserve this. Just trying to survive is all I can do.

 

-D

[jmargel]

Yes, I did alot of soul searching. Though I was only with my ex-fiancee for 5 years, I spent every day with her. She was my first love. Like you my whole heart was truly into her. I never, ever doubted she would stray on me. In fact, I could say I thought we both shared one heart.

 

Over time she changed. Due to big family problems of hers, I saw I started getting treated the way she was. Even though she verbally abused me quite a bit, it hurt alot. But my love for her still stood strong. The way I handeled it was poor. I did not know how to, since how do I react to such harsh treatment? What did I do? The person who loves her the most was being hurt the most by her. Thus, I withdrew from her to save confrontation. This tore us apart emotionally. I was walking on eggshells for the last year we were together. During the last six months, she started talking to my now ex-best friend of 15 years, behind my back. He would say things she wanted to hear. This is a guy who I risked my life for 2 years prior when his house caught fire. Mix those two things together and our relationship didn't last. She left me for him, married him. While during those next 3 years I found out that this wasn't my fault as she was trying to lead me to believe. It took about 6 months of no contact to find out I was being abused in so many ways. During those next 3 years I had no contact with her. Surprisingly last summer she showed up at my door, wanting to talk. She wanted to apologize for everything she's done, saying she's had this guilt on her for years. That she had alot of growing upto do. I forgave her and moved on. Two weeks before my marriage last month, she emailed me, trying to get me to reminence about the past. She then said it's bad for her to dwell on the past and what 'should' have been.

 

Kinda surprised me, but I didn't answer the email back. I moved on to someone new. I still have issues that I'm getting over due to my ex.

 

Dazed, if it's any comfort your wife didn't have an emotional affair with this guy. It was physical. She doesn't have feelings for this guy, like my ex did with my ex-friend. Your right, your wife doesn't deserve you due to her cheating. You can't love 100% with a broken heart like what you are trying to get across, but you can still love. This whole thing is a process, and it varies on how long it will take to heal. You need to realize and in-still in yourself that she did not cheat to hurt you, or because you weren't good enough. She did this because of her own unexplainable reasons right now that only she can come to gripes with. She does not look back on this other guy reliving those memories. Keep up with the counseling, it will take time but it will all resolve.

 

When my wife & I went to counseling, things got pretty bad. It took quite awhile before the counselor was able to get through to her and find out what was causing all of this. You need to take care of yourself as well. That is just as important as her finding resolution with all of this. What she has done was totally out of character of her. What she did, does not represent on who she is.

[CanadaGuy]

Originally posted by TempSain

 

 

I am only saying this because I think he would even resent her more.

It's actually quite embarassing to tell all these details to the therapist, a complete stranger.

I just think he needs time.

 

 

A complete stranger is the perfect person to tell the details to, why would it be embarassing?? Who cares, they are professionals. I have dealt with them for stress, and it worked very well. And currently dealing with them for the affair my ex-fiances had on me.

 

Someone said if you don't get to the roots, the weeds just keep coming back,its so true (yet I still can't get to the roots of her affair)

[CanadaGuy]

You & I are living the same situation!!

 

Here is my post of my details: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?postid=303289#post303289

 

 

P.S. They all say the other guys penis was smaller!! If they told you he had 10", you could never get it up for her again. I had to ask the guy who was banging my ex-fiance, and his answer was " I wish, I'm just normal sized" So I'm in the clear

[TMCM]

While it is true that long neglected and unmet emotional needs is a factor at the core of many affairs, there are other factors that can be the basis behind an affair. One of them is unresolved personal issues [emotional insecurities, childhood sexual abuse, low self esteem, bipolar disorder, etc,] that have nothing to do with the faithful spouse or partner. Acknowledgement of these issues and the need for therapy to resolve them, is necessary before the person is ready to rebuild the marriage. Another factor is spending too much time alone with someone other than a spouse or partner until an emotional/sexual connection is ignited. This last one is probably behind most affairs in which the unfaithful spouse was happily married before the affair. And lastly, the culture in which a spouse choses to surround him/herself. Many faithful married men/women have been friends with unfaithful men/women who in the end up corrupting them [similar to what happens when good kids associate with bad kids].

 

My point is that until we can ascertain the factor(s) that was at the core of the affair, it is very premature to say that the affair was because of long neglected and unmet emotional needs.

[DazednConfused]

Hello all,

 

I thought it was time I check in and update things in my house again...

 

Well.... more good days than bad. I know that the affair is over. I know that my wife is taking responsibility. I know that my wife wants to be with me. She is working very hard at regaining my faith and trust.

 

As per the reaction of most all WS, she is far more interested in changing the current dynamics of our marriage and putting the past behind. As per most BS, I am more focused upon the past affair and trying to understand. This is our biggest hurdle right now.

 

Over the last month or two, there have been a few new revelations, lies uncovered, etc. This is a huge issue for me in that her honesty now has to have a bearing upon my ability to trust again. She holds back some information because she fears that I will reach an "over-the-top" point. She thinks that I will possibly get too much information and not be able to stand anymore, and leave her. For me, that has never been a real option as long as I am convinced that she is trying, and that she is being honest. This is difficult, but our therapist says this is pretty common, and that is one of the hardest things for her to realize is that the betrayed spouse needs exactly the opposite of what the wayward spouse thinks... tough to get past, but we are working on it.

 

My mental state is still pretty shaky, though not nearly what it was a few months ago. I sleep much better now, tho I do still have insomnia a couple of nights a week. I struggle with reminders each and every day; usually, I can brush them off, sometimes they send me into a raging or sad spiral that can last for hours. It is inexplicable what can cause this reaction, as it is something different or something that I have brushed off a hundred times, there is no rhyme or reason. Example: We watched the show Desperate Housewives together.... the little married woman is banging her gardner when her husband leaves for work... no problem the first week, the second week we watched the show, I could not get through ten minutes before I was a raging basket case and had to leave the room. I exhibit many signs of depression, but I hesitate to medicate for fear of side effects. I have not taken anything yet other than Sominex washed down with Maalox on tougher nights.

 

Learned some interesting info about slimebag, turns out he is a predator, and has done this on other occasions. I learned this from his former employer; they had several complaints from my wife's predecessors. Now, on top of intense guilt and sorrow, my wife feels foolish and angry for being taken in by such a prick. Little sympathy here. STD checks came back negative so good there.

 

Wife and I are learning to enjoy each other again, we are having as much or more fun together than we ever have...(only1, I can relate to your dining bill increase ). Our time together is wonderful for the most part; and no matter what we are doing, we do it in relation to the other. Mutual respect has never been an issue, but is steadily building again. Trust is......well......trust is still a little bent. I feel it is something she will have to earn again, and have no real timeline or expectation on this issue, nor does she. It is good to feel loved and to be in love again.

 

Don't misunderstand, we are still on that roller coaster, but the bumps are far less drastic now, and we are on it together.

 

For my part, I am learning to let go of my anger and hurt. For her part, she is learning to see and appreciate what she has, and to understand what she nearly lost. Yeah, sometimes I obsess myself all the way back to that dark place and feel the fool again, then the chump for allowing her to stay, then I realize that she will not do this to me ever again. I can say that with some certainty bearing witness to her suffering in the aftermath of discovery. I have never wavered in my love for my wife, only in my willingness to continue the work of recovery. I am glad we continued. I am glad we are still working on this thing.

 

We are not out of the woods, but we are on a firm path finally. I want to thank all of my friends at LS, you have been a great sounding board for my issues both in PM's and in my thread. Responding to the posts of others is almost as helpful as your advice has been.

 

Thank you.

 

-Dazed

[whichwayisup]

Dazed...

 

Reading your update tonight, gotta say I'm extremely happy that things are heading for the upswing. I admire you alot, from all your efforts into fixing your marriage, forgiving and loving your wife for her horrible mistake. You're so strong, and even during your lowest days you've always reached out to others and helped them...And me as well. You really have had a huge affect on me and my life. I thank you for that.

 

You're very inspirational, honest and sincere. Your wife is lucky to have a husband who is so deeply and passionately inlove with her and was able to work through alot of suffering and pain that was caused by her in the first place. (Does that make sense? I am having trouble thinking right now lol.) Anyway, I do wish you all the love, peace and happiness in your life...

 

WWIU

[pedwin]

Dazed,

I couldn't be happier!!!! You have worked harder than anyone I know and you deserve only the best.

On the other hand my husband and I have decided to call it quits. This is a very sad day for me. It is also my decision. He still can't put me first in his life. His daughter came home from college this weekend with her cocky self. Her grades are in the toilet and she is banging the guy across the hall. NO BIRTH CONTROL!!!! He treated her like she was his best friend. I caught her in a lie and it pissed me off. My H told me that people lie to me because they don't want to hear my rage. I have raised her for 7 years with very little help from him and now he is an expert. It hurt me to the core that once again I am not his partner but his and his daughters enemy. I am to sick to deal with all this and it's time to admit that this has been a big mistake and move on. Wish me luck as I have no money and no where to go except my Mother's in Florida. He is going to cash out his 401K from his previous job and that will be my settlement. It blows my mind that He lied to me for our entire marriage about a woman he was seeing for 6 years while I was busy raising his daughter and this is the thanks I get.

I bought a brad paisley CD today with the song "whiskey Lullaby" on it. If you remember my husband shot himself in 1992. In the song, years later the wife does the same thing. I SEEM TO BE DRAWN TO THIS SONG!!

I am tired of being sad and feeling used. I know people start over all the time but I have not worked since 1992. I'm scared for one thing and I'm still sick. The doctors still can't find the problem. How do you start a new job and go to doctors appointments all the time. I don't think I have ever felt so lost. He told me I didn't have to leave. He said he was tired of hearing me rage. I thought to myself, If I cheated on you for 6 years and married you when I had a lover on the side. Would he be raging? Everything comes back to that point. When he sided with his smartassed daughter, I thought why not!!!! He lied for all those years so he understands her.

Well enough rambling!!! Good Luck to you and you wife. I hope she knows what a jewel she has. May God Bless you!!!!!!

Pedwin