What are the chances of us getting back together after such a break up?

[Brian83]

First off, my girlfriend just turned eighteen and I am the only guy she has ever been with. This might be relevant to the story and question. This is a longer one, but I could use whatever help or advice I can get. Thank you.

 

I had been with my girlfriend for three years until just recently when she decided that she wanted some "space". She and I had a great time, we went a lot of places together, spent more time with each other than anyone else.

 

Anyhow, we got into an arguement about three weeks ago. It was a rather intense arguement and I must say that at the time I was considering calling it quits. But that same night, things cooled down a bit and she cried out that she didn't want to break up with me, and I told her that I didn't want her to break up with me either. The next few days she and I didn't talk so much, to let the situation cool down.

 

Well, I called her after a couple of days and she was saying that she wasn't sure that she wanted to continue the relationship. I told her that I wanted to make it work between us. She told me that it was going to take a lot of compromise on both parts. Alright, well, I can do that, all seems to be on the right track. So I asked her if she wanted to go to a party on an upcoming saturday night. She said that she would join me.

 

Come saturday night, I tried to get a hold of her. I called many times. I got a text message from her saying that she couldn't go to a party that night, and to have fun. I was confused. I didn't really know what to think. So I call her a day or so after the party and ask her what was going on. She told me that she just wasn't feeling up to it. I invite her over to my apartment so she and I can talk about a few things. I start talking about the party and such, I tell her about this girl that was trying to hit on me and how I held my ground and thought about my girlfriend. As I am telling my girlfriend this, she says something, not so clear at first, and then I pause and she repeats ... "I kissed a guy at my work."

 

My jaw dropped ... I didn't know what to think. She told me that it was a french kiss ... and that they kissed because he told her that he didn't like seeing her all upset or what not and that he wanted to see her happy. I guess it was just what she needed to hear. How I must have looked in that situation, like some kind of monster compared to this person that gets to console her at her work.

 

I tell her that it doesn't bother me enough to not want to be with her. She tells me that she wants me to take her home. I take her home. We don't talk for a week or so afterward, I find getting a hold of her an arduous task. When I do get a hold of her, she is reluctant to talk to me for too long, and she is also reluctant to accept an invitation to spend some time together. This is my girlfriend of three years!

 

I end up having a few conversations with her in person. Her attitude seems different about ... almost everything. She has this list of things that upset her about me stored up that, in some cases, I didn't even know or think about. It was hard to find the love amidst such anger. I didn't understand what was going on, everything seemed to be going great to me.

 

She tells me that she needs some space. I try to talk to her about everything, bring up some kind of ... objection or suggestion to the things she is talking about. I started getting nervous, and I broke down in front of her, asked her what I needed to do, what she wanted me to do, if she wanted me to beg ... I just wanted her to want me again. She tells me that I'm going to have to give her some time. She doesn't know how long or if she's even going to want to be with me after she's had the time to think about it all.

 

Our last evening spent together was about two nights ago, I'm still pretty shaken by all of this. She started getting frustrated because I guess I just didn't understand or wasn't getting the point that she didn't want to be with me. She told me on that night, however, that she had feelings for that guy at her work. She is honest, and she told me that the only time they had kissed was that one saturday. However, after breaking down all the things she was saying about not being sure or "I don't want to be with you, at least for now" ... it just seemed to me that she wanted to break up so she could try things out with this guy at her work.

 

If you have read through to this point, thank you. I really am having a hard time with this. My question, ultimately, is ... seeing how I am her first love ... what are the chances of her trying things out with this guy, her changing her mind, and her coming back to me? I wonder if anybody else has had a similar experience where they got back together with their ex after such a break up? She told me in so many words that she did not want to be with me anymore, but at the same time, she would continue to start it off with "at this point in time" or "for now".

 

After our last night together, two days ago, we suggested that we keep each other up to date with what's going on in our lives. The next day, yesterday, she told me that if I was going to treat her contacting me as a sign that she wants to get back together with me (I was having a hard time letting go) then she wouldn't call me, and she wouldn't answer my calls. Rough. But I told her that I didn't want to be cut off from her life. I feel like such a mess, this was a girl I was planning on being with for the rest of my life ... that I lost to myself, in a way ... and now I am struggling to hang onto the basic threads of our communication.

 

I could use a big pat on the back now, please help me out here. - Brian

[quyster]

Let me tell you, I have the same situation

 

My 3 year long girlfriend broke up with me 3 months ago. Cuz she needed space

 

At this point, you just have to leave her alone. It's hard but that's the only effective way. Being around and bugging her doesn't work.

 

Don't try to talk or to convince her. Don't be scared that you'll lose her forever. You'll lose her forever if you keep bugging her, it'll give her the weak image of you. Girls don't want someone who is weak and beg and all that chit. They want some body who's strong and manly, take things easily.

 

I have been being nice to my girfriendt, nice to the extreme. But the nicer i got the worst it came back to me. Doesn't work.

 

Show her that u understand, and will leave her alone. Try not to call her but make her call you. Show her that you r busy with your friends and stuff. That way she'll think that you don't care and she'll risk losing you for her "wanting space"

 

Give her about 1-2 weeks, she'll come back to you because she's scared that leaving you too long and you'll be gone.

[simplybrill]

phew, where to start... it sounds like there's some big issues that you guys need to work on, if you want to save this. Your responses to what she's been saying remind me a LOT of my ex bf.

 

Did you happen to catch any of the things that she was yelling at you about, when you guys had that argument, and she said all those things that she had stored up --it probably happened that way because she didnt know how to talk to you about these things to begin with.

 

She definitely should not have kissed that guy at her work. That was just wrong. She shouldnt be trying to break up with you, just to try to hook up with this guy at her job. It sounds like she's uhappy with you for some reason, and she's getting what she used to get from you, from him.

 

Do this: after she has her space, and you guys start talking again, ask her why she's unhappy, what you're doing wrong.

 

To offer some ideas: I broke up with my ex bf because of these reasons (i only made this list AFTER we already broke up, to get all my feelings out, and sorted)

 

1. disrespectful!!!

2. immature

3. gossipy

4. he was always "on" it felt like he was putting on a show whenever we were in public

5. wanted me to sacrifice my dreams, my goals of going to grad school, for his "brilliant" idea of starting up a nightclub with his buddy, without a business degree between the two of them...

6. didnt support my efforts to go to the gym and work out, when he would go and work out all the time and wanted me to always be around to massage him when he was sore, notice that he was buff or w/e, yet he didnt see why I wanted to go to the gym...very odd, it was almost like he wanted to get buffed up but didnt want me to look good, yet wanted me to stick around...

7. controlling - always wanted to know who I was with, when I wasnt with him

8. strange - would compete with me strangely, would change outfits to try to show me up, whenever we were going out...

9. attention whore- always had to be the center of attention

10. stuck in the past- kept around gifts his ex had given him, would always talk about how "popular" he was in highschool

 

 

11. not goal oriented, not good in school, not even okay in school

12. always ready to argue

13. horrible listener

14. was GOING THROUGH THE MOTIONS

15. always sleepy around me, but happy and excited around his friends

16. wasnt affectionate in public, almost like he didnt want people to know we were dating

17. didnt care about my needs, thoughts or feelings,

18. tried to guilt trip me all the time

19. tried to make me feel bad for standing up for US, for MYSELF when he let some chick he "barely knew" hug him close, call him sweety and such, who repeatedly talked to him after and in class--didnt care that I was hurt by her actions, just insisted that "it wasnt a big deal" and tried to act like I was the one being ridiculous

20. very irresponsible with his time , sold himself to everyone else, but I just got whatever was left of him at the end of the day

 

 

21. would bring up his ex gf's and how flexible they were?? - dont ask, I dunno what he meant by that...

22. treated my skin color and ethnicity more like a novelty, than truly appreciating our differences

23. really really sarcastic

24. made me feel physically miserable, I got stomachaches when I was with him

25. never showed any fear or vulnerability

26. interrupted me without listening, talked only about himself and never asked about me

27. constantly seeking validation, called himself the black sheep of his family

28 . cannot tolerate feedback from others without getting defensive

29. had a really really messy room, even if he had notice that I was coming over, he just didnt have any respect for me as a guest OR a girlfriend

30. had inappropriate ways of handling conflicts, avoided conflict entirely.

[azgirl]

Brian - I know you are hurting right now, but if she is interested in someone else then unfortunately you are going to have to let her go. Maybe she will come back to you. Maybe she won't. All of us here have been through or are going through a break up. Or some of us (like me) don't know if they are breaking up or not anymore, but either way. We have all been there and we all survived even though it didn't feel like we would at the time. Hang in there. We are all here to talk whenever you need us.

 

SimplyBrill - I think we might have the same ex. Each and every thing you said about yours matches the description of an old ex of mine. Oh wait! Except the part about going to the gym. Mine was the single laziest person I had ever in my life seen. (Incidentally he didn't like ME going to the gym all the time, either) But the only exercise he got was pushing the buttons on the TV remote or Playstation controller and lifting his beer to his mouth. Isn't it nice when you reach the point where you can say "What the f**k was I thinking?"

[Kristina]

I think it's comforting to know that everyone goes through a break up at some point or another in their lives. I can say that I just went through my worst a couple months ago and we are back together now. My boyfriend and I were together for almost 2 years and I ended up cheating on him. It was without a doubt one of my worst mistakes I have made. He was very hurt and broke up with me. To make a longer story shorter, we are back together and happier and more in love than ever. People make mistakes. There is a good chance you guys will be back together, if that's what you both want. If not, you just gotta move on. Good luck, Buddy!

[Brian83]

I read through each reply and every one seems to have a valid point. I will try to play it calm and cool from now on. She said she would probably give me a call in a couple of weeks ... so I'll see how that goes. I don't know what to expect. I can only move on for now and hope for the best, I suppose.

 

I thank you all for your words of advice and time. - Brian

[ThisGirlNameKD]

Don't hold your breath Brian. Go out there and check out other girls. You don't have too get too involved in them, try it out.

[beautiful]

Brian...she is 18! a lil gurl!

 

of course she wants her space! she wants to be 18 and not play an adult in an adult relationship.

 

She was a child when you met her and she still is one. There are way to many things out there for her to still do and just as many guys for her out there to want to date and that is the way it should be at 18.

 

Adults can barely handle having a healthy relationship how to you honestly expect her at 18 to have one?

 

You need to be fair about this here. Yes you may hurt however you are hurting because you chose to be hurting.

 

She has a right to her life anyway she wants to live it and you have no right to weant to interfer with that.

 

The best advice I can give you to leave her alone completely. Respect her wishes. If you "push" "manipulate" her in any way , she will be gone for good! That I can promisse you being a grown woman.

 

It is not about that women want strong men and all that none sense it is all about having confidence and a healthy self esteem about yourself.

 

Women are strong and smart. We don't need a guy for that. Kind of funny how guys seem to have that belief lol.

 

Ending a relationship is part of life just as death is. It is how you handle these situations that can make you look like some desperate psycho or a healthy man with confidence in himself enough to live a happy and healthy life.

 

She is not the only gurl on earth. There are many many beautiful gurls out there.

If this will ever be something the only way you may have a slight chance is to go on and be sincerely happy in life and live your life without her. Let her come to you if and when she choses to.

 

Something else to consider..........if you can't let go of her and you so "desperate" to be with her , there is something very wrong here and I would recommand some professional help with that...needing someone "so desperately" is of ill minded nature.

 

Take care of yourself.