kareena Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 I'm going to keep this short since I still can't wrap my head around it,it is a bit of a shocker but I really need advice,so I just found out that I'm pregnant and I'm freaking out right now! I have no idea what to do! this is a huge problem and I still don't understand how it happened!! I can't raise a child,I can barely take care of myself!! this is a huge dilemma,I cant keep it well simply because I cant and I cant get rid of it because I will never be able to live with that kind of guilt over my shoulders..so now what?? do I even tell MM?? that is one phone call I am NOT looking forward to make... please help,and no hateful replies I really can't deal with that right now Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 you need to get an abortion quick, or the morning after pill if its still early 3 Link to post Share on other sites
DonVee Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 There is no such thing as "I cant keep it" and "I cant get rid of it"... Your going to have to choose and what ever decision you make your going to have to be able to deal with it. Getting rid of the child comes with living everyday with guilt and possible regret! Keeping the child comes with pain, drama and the TRUTH... You will now see who your MM really is. He will only have to show his true self and his true feelings for his W and other children if he has any, you will be possibly giving your child a life with out a father or you never know they just may take your child in the possibilities are endless. Just know that the decision is yours and what ever you decided it will come with great consequences and also know that nothing is promised Link to post Share on other sites
Stellar Wench Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 Kareena, Did you have any guilt about having unprotected sex with a married man? You were able to get over your guilt if you had it, so why do you think you won't be able to get over the guilt of having an abortion? If you are not in a position to have the child and care for it properly, are you in a position to give it up for adoption? Perhaps his wife would like to adopt your baby, since it is partly her husband's. I suggest you look in your phone book for your local Planned Parenthood and call one of them, or if you have a local women's center, reach out to them. Either will be able to give you some guidelines about what your options are and what assistance is available to you. Good luck. If you are a drinker or smoker, I suggest you stop until you've made your decision. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author kareena Posted February 17, 2012 Author Share Posted February 17, 2012 Kareena, Did you have any guilt about having unprotected sex with a married man? You were able to get over your guilt if you had it, so why do you think you won't be able to get over the guilt of having an abortion? If you are not in a position to have the child and care for it properly, are you in a position to give it up for adoption? Perhaps his wife would like to adopt your baby, since it is partly her husband's. I suggest you look in your phone book for your local Planned Parenthood and call one of them, or if you have a local women's center, reach out to them. Either will be able to give you some guidelines about what your options are and what assistance is available to you. Good luck. If you are a drinker or smoker, I suggest you stop until you've made your decision. It's strange I was always pro women exercising their legal right to choose,I never thought I would feel differently about it if it were me who was put in that situation I guess some maternal instincts are kicking in,which is why I am finding it very difficult to make the decision I pretty much know is the one I need to make...if I do decide to get an abortion,should I still tell MM? I mean we haven't talked since December its kinda awkward! Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 I have no idea what to do! this is a huge problem and I still don't understand how it happened!! I'm not coming at you from a hostile or hateful perpective, but can you explain a little bit what you mean by this? I ask because in order for you to deal with the logistical, emotional, and interpersonal landscape that you find in front of you, you are going to need to be honest with yourself, to be pragmatic, and not to use denial to hide from the hard realities of your situation. I cant keep it .... and I cant get rid of it As DonVee points out, one of these "can'ts" will end up winning - there's no other way. When you say "get rid of it", are you including adoption in with abortion, or do you see adoption, as Stellar mentioned, as a potential third option? So in the long run, "not choosing" is not one of the options, although if you avoid making the choice for long enough, you will essentially get cornered into keeping it and raising it yourself, by virtue of the other various options disappearing along the way. I can't raise a child,I can barely take care of myself!! I think this is important - you said "I can't keep it and I can't get rid of it..." Are one or both of those really "I don't want to... because it's so hard..."? If you really can't care for a child for the next 20 years - probably as a single parent - but you just don't want to deal with the guilt of letting it go, does that kind of frame the decision a little bit? Or, to be fair to both sides, if you just don't want to raise a child, but based on your moral code or sworn religious values or whatever, you can't let it go, that puts things another way, doesn't it? (However, I will say that if you start a new life and a new family with the feeling that you don't want to, and you are forced into it by your religion or spiritual or moral "values", that's likely a recipe for festering resentment that will not serve anyone well...) It is indeed a huge dilemma - the first thing you have to accept is that you've got a sitation that HAS to be dealt with - things will NEVER be back to the way they were before. There is NO combination of options that will set the clock back; you will bear a burden one way or the other. You're going to have to do something that you don't want to do. The question comes down to: what burden can you - will you - choose to bear? Link to post Share on other sites
Author kareena Posted February 17, 2012 Author Share Posted February 17, 2012 What happened to the new guy? I had hopes that you were done with mm. Were you seeing both guys at the same time? You say you can't handle it, well you have to, you have 3 options, an abortion, or giving it up for adoption or having the baby and planning on taking care of it on your own. Preferably the later, but that is just me. Don't fool yourself into thinking you can count on mm, that's highly doubtful as most stories such as yours illustrate. You say you can't handle it, you don't have a choice, you HAVE to. You took a risk and now you will have to make a mature decision on what to do about the result. You are not a child and you played, and now it's grown up time. No I wasn't seeing both guys at the same time!! I am/was done with MM seriously!! I haven't contacted him or anything since the last time I emailed him and he didn't reply and that one time I saw him before that! you see,when I missed my period in January I didn't think much of it because my cycle is always irregular but then February started and I started getting worried so I went and got a test and it turns out I am pregnant. There is also the problem of new guy! I'm still seeing him but haven't slept with him so its definitely MM's baby,and now I guess I'm going to have to stop talking to new guy because I can't drag him into all of this!! its too complicated! Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted February 17, 2012 Share Posted February 17, 2012 How can you not believe it? Statistically - when you have sex... Odds are that eventually you WILL get pregnant. Why would you not believe the reality of that? Link to post Share on other sites
DonVee Posted February 18, 2012 Share Posted February 18, 2012 Figure out who your baby daddy is. This may require a DNA test. If it's the married man, then offer to give the child up for adoption to the married man and his wife if you don't want to raise it. Otherwise, get a lawyer and sue for child support. Also, ask your new boyfriend if he is willing to marry you and be the father to the married man's child. Good times all around. Congratulations on your blessed event! Did you not see that she said her and the new guy has NOT had sex yet? No DNA needed! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 18, 2012 Share Posted February 18, 2012 Don't contact exMM unless you plan on keeping the baby. Get to counselling now and go talk to a professional about this to help you make your final decision. Honestly and sorry to be blunt, from what you've said, the decision's been made. you say you're not ready nor capable of being a parent yet - And that's okay! Don't have this child out of pressure or guilt. You need to think of what's best for you and this baby - Consider options - Having baby and giving it up for adoption.. Though if that is a route you might want to take, exMM should know that he has a child out there. Yes, if you plan on telling him, a paternity test will be done.. No offense, but he isn't going to take you at your word because you are seeing someone, he's going to assume there's a chance the baby isn't his. You're in a tough spot. Link to post Share on other sites
despicableME Posted February 18, 2012 Share Posted February 18, 2012 I still don't understand how it happened!! Ever heard of the birds and the the bees? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted February 18, 2012 Share Posted February 18, 2012 Wow...I can only imagine how you must feel. You have to make the decision you can live with. Not what anyone else thinks is best frankly. I am not chastising you, but it's so important for women to be responsible about sex and who we give it up to especially without protection...as it's all fun and games until stuff like this occurs. And it happens so often... My friend had a baby last February, she was sleeping with 2 guys, one of which she has been trying to get him to be her real boyfriend for 3 years, to no avail. She had no clue who was the dad and she was still in school....she had a healthy, happy baby girl nonetheless whom she loves and adores albeit a bad situation. I'm sure it was scary, even married couples get scared too.... Either way...your life is going to change, whether you terminate your pregnancy or bring it to term. Do what you feel is best for you. There is no get out of jail free card though. If you decide to keep or terminate it, if you're serious about this guy, you should tell him and let him decide what he will do. If you decide to keep it, you also need to inform MM and discuss paternity tests etc. It's not an easy road but I agree with the advice of seeing a counselor who specializes in this kind of thing who will have way more resources to offer you and options. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted February 18, 2012 Share Posted February 18, 2012 you need to get an abortion quick, or the morning after pill if its still early She said she's pregnant. The morning after pill does not work when a woman is already pregnant. It prevents you from becoming pregnant to begin with. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
alexandria35 Posted February 18, 2012 Share Posted February 18, 2012 Wow Kareena this is a real pickle. I really think the best thing to do right now is to find someone to talk this out with in real life so that you may see things clearly and choose the best option for yourself. When this happens there really is no painless path to take, there is no easy option. People will tell you their opinions and try to sway you to one side or the other but you really have to think for yourself here and choose what feels most right to you. All I can tell you is that regardless of how bad it feels right now this isn't the end of the world. Whatever you decide, you will be okay and you will survive. Best of luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
pie2 Posted February 18, 2012 Share Posted February 18, 2012 First of all, take a deep breath...everything is going to be alright. Are you in the US? There are many programs to help single mothers. And child support could help. This sort of thing happens ALL the time...you're not alone. And many mothers somehow make it work. But if you really feel incapable of raising the child, how do you feel about adoption? Do you think you could handle the emotional stress you may go through? Because you could really bring so much joy to a couple that cannot conceive on their own. This situation could be turned in to one of joy and happiness. And there are open adoptions, so you wouldn't have to lose track of the child... Link to post Share on other sites
Emme Posted February 18, 2012 Share Posted February 18, 2012 so now what?? You won't be able to live with yourself if you get rid of it, so... You are keeping your child. Next step make an appointment to see your doctor and get another pregnancy test. Find out how far along you are. Start eating healthy and take care of your body. do I even tell MM?? that is one phone call I am NOT looking forward to make... Yes you will tell him. No it will not be over the phone. It will be face to face. Don't be sad or nervous. "Where there's a will, there's a way." Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted February 18, 2012 Share Posted February 18, 2012 Yes you will tell him. No it will not be over the phone. It will be face to face. Under the circumstances, I don't think this is wise. One OW posted about how her MM pushed her and made threats when he found out. Finding out she was pregnant seemed to flip a switch in him (up to that point they were continuing their A) and all he cared about was the possibility of his W finding out. Given how he treated you towards the end of your A and his focus on making sure his W didn't find out, I think it would be safer if you told him by phone, kareena. If you decide to get an abortion or give the baby up for adoption, then I don't think you need to tell xMM. In the case of adoption, a lawyer would likely contact him. If you decide to raise the baby yourself, then you could either have a lawyer tell him or tell him yourself. The purpose is that he should be financially responsible, and he also has rights to see the child and play some role as father if he chooses that and acts responsibly. From what you have written in the past, I suspect he will not want to play a role and he may even respond very poorly, perhaps trying to pressure you into an abortion. That's why I think you should consider having a lawyer handle that part. I am sorry you are pregnant under these circumstances. You do have a very important decision to make. I hope you have parents and others to lean on and help, but I also advise talking to professionals, such as at Planned Parenthood, who deal with exactly this situation, a pregnancy where you aren't sure what to do. Please don't delay in getting professional counselling on this. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author kareena Posted February 18, 2012 Author Share Posted February 18, 2012 How can you not believe it? Statistically - when you have sex... Odds are that eventually you WILL get pregnant. Why would you not believe the reality of that? well for 2 reasons, first of all it was safe sex..second,i have been told that my chances of having children are very slim due to my previous eating disorder and substance abuse problems. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kareena Posted February 18, 2012 Author Share Posted February 18, 2012 thnx guys, I will be seeing a professional in the next couple of days.. til then I'm just trying to relax which is pretty hard to do under the circumstances. I would like to add one more thing and this is just me letting it off of my chest simply because I haven't told anyone yet and you guys are the only people I can discuss this matter with, my inability to raise a child is not due to financial difficulties and if I do decide to keep it I won't be asking exMM for child support because I don't want his money nor do I need it. I feel that I am not fit to be a parent because I am not emotionally stable and there have been times where my mental stability has been questioned and I just don't want to mess this child up along the way! I am leaning more and more towards getting an abortion but I still haven't made my decision,part of me wants to keep it..oh and giving it up for adoption is not an option,its either I have my baby and keep it or I don't have it all..I can't imagine getting attached to the child throughout the pregnancy then handing it out to strangers I wouldn't be able to do that.. Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted February 18, 2012 Share Posted February 18, 2012 kareena, I will not try to influence your decision whether to keep this pregnancy or abort it. That is a very personal decision, only one you can make after searching your heart. As a mother I just want to tell you this: You must want the baby with all your heart and soul and mind. You must be ALL IN to raising a child as it is a lifetime committment and self-sacrifice for 24/7 the rest of your life. Good luck with your planned counseling. Link to post Share on other sites
Emme Posted February 18, 2012 Share Posted February 18, 2012 Under the circumstances, I don't think this is wise. One OW posted about how her MM pushed her and made threats when he found out. Finding out she was pregnant seemed to flip a switch in him (up to that point they were continuing their A) and all he cared about was the possibility of his W finding out. That is another woman, not her. Telling a man you are carrying his child I believe should be done face to face. There will be a lot of emotions and she needs to see his body language first hand. You won't be able to see that over the phone. Given how he treated you towards the end of your A and his focus on making sure his W didn't find out, I think it would be safer if you told him by phone, kareena. If he treated her that bad and she's unsure of her safety, she can take someone with her for support and protection. If he's a man who's trigger happy that's a completely different story. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted February 18, 2012 Share Posted February 18, 2012 She said she's pregnant. The morning after pill does not work when a woman is already pregnant. It prevents you from becoming pregnant to begin with. well i don't know, i don't keep up with these female things Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted February 18, 2012 Share Posted February 18, 2012 You won't be able to live with yourself if you get rid of it, so... You are keeping your child. Yeah... see... the thing is, in different places she has said, in one form or another: (a) she can't "get rid of it", ( "I will never be able to live with that kind of guilt..." ) (b) she can't put it up for adoption, and ( "I can't imagine.... I wouldn't be able to do that..." ) © she can't keep it. ( "...can't raise a child... not fit to be a parent... not emotionally stable..." ) So each of us, based on our own opinions, could grasp one of those - as you have done here - and confidently declare that clearly this means that she has to do one of the others. But until she figures things out a little further, she has pretty evenly excluded all the possibilities. The fact is that she will be doing one of these things that she thinks she can't do, and the other fact is that she still has to make that decision. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted February 18, 2012 Share Posted February 18, 2012 Face to face or on the phone - watching his 'body language,' etc. etc. Has there ever REALLY been a married man HAPPY to hear that his mistress (or ex-mistress in this case) is pregnant? I've been reading these types of relationship boards for over 12 years and have YET to ever read one single post where the married man jumped for joy and eagerly ran home to tell his wife of the coming Blessed event. Yeah..... is there really going to be a lot of subtlety involved in interpreting his reaction to this news? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Emme Posted February 18, 2012 Share Posted February 18, 2012 Face to face or on the phone - watching his 'body language,' etc. etc. Has there ever REALLY been a married man HAPPY to hear that his mistress (or ex-mistress in this case) is pregnant? I've been reading these types of relationship boards for over 12 years and have YET to ever read one single post where the married man jumped for joy and eagerly ran home to tell his wife of the coming Blessed event. I don't think it's a matter of what the MM will like. There are men who have had children outside their marriage and love the OW and the child. Certain news I feel should not be done over the phone. They laid down and made this baby, lets sit up and talk about it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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