I'm pregnant..now what?!

[darkmoon]

agree with emme

 

i've known one situation where the mistress kept the baby the MM kept in touch with them both but couldn't handle leaving his wife and thier three existing daughters she was pretty sad at hearing of her hubby's secret life but the baby grew up to meet his three half-sisters

 

tell MM he has a right to know and perhaps his wife fools around too

[MissBee]

I don't think it's a matter of what the MM will like. There are men who have had children outside their marriage and love the OW and the child. Certain news I feel should not be done over the phone. They laid down and made this baby, lets sit up and talk about it.

 

I agree with this. If she is scared he will act crazy, meet up in a public place and have a friend in a car on watch, if it is THAT serious.

 

Some MM are responsible enough to be a father to their outside child and if kareena decides to keep this baby, she owes it to the child to at least give the MM the option of doing the right thing. They both laid down and made the baby, it wasn't just kareena or just him and I think the seriousness of it will be understood if done face to face versus calling, sending a text or an email.

 

Anyway, kareena is going to see a counselor so hopefully she gains more clarity in terms of how to approach the situation and her options. I truly wish her luck and that she comes to decisions that she feels secure with.

[woinlove]

thnx guys, I will be seeing a professional in the next couple of days.. til then I'm just trying to relax which is pretty hard to do under the circumstances.

 

I would like to add one more thing and this is just me letting it off of my chest simply because I haven't told anyone yet and you guys are the only people I can discuss this matter with, my inability to raise a child is not due to financial difficulties and if I do decide to keep it I won't be asking exMM for child support because I don't want his money nor do I need it.

 

I feel that I am not fit to be a parent because I am not emotionally stable and there have been times where my mental stability has been questioned and I just don't want to mess this child up along the way! I am leaning more and more towards getting an abortion but I still haven't made my decision,part of me wants to keep it..oh and giving it up for adoption is not an option,its either I have my baby and keep it or I don't have it all..I can't imagine getting attached to the child throughout the pregnancy then handing it out to strangers I wouldn't be able to do that..

 

Good for you for planning to see a professional right away and for trying to relax. No one can make this decision for you, but talking out your fears, worries and doubts with people experienced with dealing with this should help you sort it out.

 

People have different views on whether xMM has to be told and under what circumstances. I don't think there is any rush and still don't see the need to tell him if you choose to have an abortion. To me, the fact that he didn't treat you with respect and care earlier, makes me concerned that he might just make you feel worse and is unlikely to do anything to make you feel better. Again, you are the best judge of that and if you don't feel like informing him, I think you should focus on talking to people who you know will be supportive of you and have your best interests in mind.

[Emme]

enough emme. she shouldnt be brow beat to keep a child she fully admits she does not feel she can care for. stop living in the 1950's. women today have a right to abort or not abort. trying to guilt her into keeping a baby is so incredibly wrong and low. she admits mentally she cannot raise a child; yet you want a child born into this mess and possibly harmed by its mother...because you are so busy trying to guilt her. enough. if you can't handle her having an abortion, go read another thread!

 

do you not know the rates of child abuse and neglect? do you think it is fair for children to be forced to live with crack addicts, in poverty, with mentally diminished parents, etc. just because you are stating it is 'wrong' for her to abort? what about the children? why should they have to endure a hellish life (if they make it without being harmed) just because you pushed your opinions off on someone. totally uncool.

 

Let's make something perfectly clear. When someone makes a post on this forum it is an opinion. The OP asked for advice and I gave my advice. Please when everyone reads someone post stop adding tonality and your own perception of what you think someone means.

 

I am pro choice. Always have been, always will be. I am not guilting anyone into making any decisions because at the end of the day I am not in charge of anyones life. People seek opinion and guidance. Depending on what direction best suits them that's the direction they will take.

 

My posts are brief and to the point. I say what I must and I move on.

 

I read only the original post. From her first post I responded.

 

... I cant get rid of it because I will never be able to live with that kind of guilt over my shoulders..

 

so now what??

 

do I even tell MM??

 

 

The OP stated that she could not live if she got rid of her child. Hence my response.

 

You won't be able to live with yourself if you get rid of it, so... You are keeping your child.

 

Next step make an appointment to see your doctor and get another pregnancy test. Find out how far along you are. Start eating healthy and take care of your body.

 

 

That means the decision has been made in my eyes. If you can't live with that guilt that means you would rather die. Then my reponse continued to answer her questions. I broke it down. Simple and to the point.

 

Whomever wishes to read in between the lines and conjure up other tales towards my text. That's all on you. That's what I call a personal problem. Good luck to you.

[Emme]

The OP made the statement that she would not be able to live with the guilt if she got rid of her child.

 

I stated you won't be able to live with yourself because in my eyes that's what that means. If you can't live with the guilt that means you would rather kill yourself. Simple logic. If you can't live with the guilt that means you are having this child.

 

Please read my post over if you need more clarity.

 

I'm not able to help you with your personal problem Hockeyfan. That's something you have to deal with on your end.

 

Please take the time to post your advice to help the OP. I'm sure it will be appreciated.

[miss d]

kareena, you have a tough road ahead of you, whatever you choose to do. I know, I've been there. I haven't posted in quite a while, but your post made me decide to tell you my experiences. Although our stories are a bit different, I know the feeling you have right now. I was seeing my MM for about 8 months when I found out I was pregnant. We explored our options, but ultimately decided to keep the baby. There are 2 types of abortion. The first is only done when less than 7 weeks from conception, it involves a pill, and you do it at home. The second is done up to 12 weeks, and is done in a doctor's office, and is much more invasive. Neither is ideal, obviously, but if that's what you choose to do, I would suggest getting to a doctor quickly to determine your options based on dates.

 

If you don't feel like you can do that, there is always adoption, or keeping and raising the baby. It's hard raising a baby alone, but it can be done. But if you're not emotionally prepared, it might be too much for you. Postpartum depression is a biatch, and when you're stressed, sleep deprived, and in a funk, it's tough. You also mentioned mental instability....there are certain types of meds that cause birth defects, so the sooner you consult a medical professional, the better (assuming you're taking psychiatric meds).

 

If you have a good support system, family, friends, you can make it through a pregnancy, whether you decide to keep the baby or give it up for adoption. I hope that you are at peace with your decision, whatever it is. And I do think you should tell exMM. Whether or not he's supportive, that baby is half of his genes too.

[Trimmer]

I read only the original post. From her first post I responded.

 

The OP stated that she could not live if she got rid of her child. Hence my response.

 

I now see that your response was based only on her first posting - that was my conclusion, too, after seeing only that first post, "Well, I guess she's going to have the baby, then...."

 

But then in reading her other posts, I see that she has equally ruled out the other two possibilities as well. (Incidentally, while I agree with the assertion that "can't live with that guilt" is a strong statement, it is a colloquialism that I don't equate, literally, with "I will kill myself".)

 

Given her subsequent statements, do you still feel the same way about your advice?

[whichwayisup]

I now see that your response was based only on her first posting - that was my conclusion, too, after seeing only that first post, "Well, I guess she's going to have the baby, then...."

 

But then in reading her other posts, I see that she has equally ruled out the other two possibilities as well. (Incidentally, while I agree with the assertion that "can't live with that guilt" is a strong statement, it is a colloquialism that I don't equate, literally, with "I will kill myself".)

 

Given her subsequent statements, do you still feel the same way about your advice?

 

I agree.

 

Emme, you may be giving advice/giving your thoughts but you need to realize that she's in a tough spot, not good frame of mind now and coming off bluntly saying ' you will '. read ALL of her posts you will see (as hockeyfan has said) she is also very sure she cannot raise this child on her, she isn't mentally fit. Adoption isn't an option right now either.

 

It's good she's talking to a professional. Getting advice here is one thing but making a life changing decision (reguardless of her choice in what to do) on the basis of what some say on here isn't right in this circumstance.

[Emme]

I now see that your response was based only on her first posting - that was my conclusion, too, after seeing only that first post, "Well, I guess she's going to have the baby, then...."

 

Yes it was. I even quoted her original post only with my response. I noticed you thought the same thing. Then when HF had the same thoughts I wanted to make myself clear.

 

I didn't guess that she was going to have the baby. I read her text. In her text she made it clear in my eyes.

 

I can't raise a child, Does not mean she can't have the child

 

I can barely take care of myself!! Does not mean she can't have the child

 

this is a huge dilemma, Does not mean she can't have the child

 

I cant keep it well simply because I cant and The word "keep" does not mean she can't have (give birth) to this child

 

I cant get rid of it because I will never be able to live with that kind of guilt over my shoulders Does mean she can have this child

 

 

The last quote trumps every other quote. That's how I read her post.

 

 

 

 

But then in reading her other posts, I see that she has equally ruled out the other two possibilities as well. (Incidentally, while I agree with the assertion that "can't live with that guilt" is a strong statement, it is a colloquialism that I don't equate, literally, with "I will kill myself".)

 

Given her subsequent statements, do you still feel the same way about your advice?

 

I only know two stages. Life and death. If she can't live with the guilt she is either ending her life or giving life to that child. I choose giving life to her child.

 

My advice still stands because of her first post. Having this child is what I posted about. Raising this child is a different conversation all together. There are always options to raising a child. There is only two when it comes to having a baby. You are either going to have it or you're not. There is no in between. Just like you can't be kinda pregnant... You can't be kinda having a child.

 

When the OP makes up her mind then she can assess what options she has. I just read her other posts.

 

New man in life - So what... Men come and go. Men also understand and support. Many have raised other mens children.

 

She has emotinal and metal health issues - Many have raised healthy children with medication and/or assitance from others. That is not the impossible. Depression, Schizophrenia ... the list goes on.

 

She is leaning towards abortion - The choice is hers and her's alone to make. What ever she chooses I will support her.

 

That is why I am here to support and help.

 

 

In General, I'm noticing more and more a trend on this board where peoples view points are an issue. This is a forum. Everyone here has an opinion and is to be respected for their view points even if you disagree. This is not a forum to prove who's right or wrong it's a forum to help and support. If the OP gets any type of positive information to help them make a decision then we are all doing our job.

[whichwayisup]

I believe so too, just like LadyGrey has said, your good intentions are there but it isn't reading or showing like it should. Maybe soften up abit? I see you telling her your beliefs and what she should do, can do and will do, but no where do I see any sympathy, empathy, or compassion for her.

 

Yes it's her decision at the end of the day, nobody here has the right to bash her, intimidate her or make her feel guilty for whatever choice she finally makes.

[whichwayisup]

The last quote trumps every other quote. That's how I read her post.

To you, yes that is how it reads. To her, it doesn't..At all.

 

Sorry but it comes off as pushy and not understanding where she's at right now in her life. If she has mental illness and she knows she's incapable of looking after a baby, being a mother - Believe her! She knows herself best. We don't.

[Emme]

Respectfully I say to you Emme, (because I do believe you have the best intentions regarding the OP) but what you are pointing out to others in the above is what others think you are doing, which is pushing the OP to do what you think is best. However, I don't think that is what you mean, I think you just see it differently than others do.

 

That's what makes this place so great. People can get together come up with their own views and help someone make a choice about the direction they want to go in. As of late I've noticed that's not the case. Everyone has to think the same for a subject matter to be true. All great minds think differently.. They don't think the same. If it did there would be no progress in this world. I can't push anyone LadyGrey to do what I want them to do.

 

 

OP I am not pushing you to do anything. The views are mine and mine alone. All I can do is be a sounding board and put out what I see from your post and what I think. It's up to you to take it or leave. If it doesn't suit you, please leave it.

[Emme]

To you, yes that is how it reads. To her, it doesn't..At all.

 

Sorry but it comes off as pushy and not understanding where she's at right now in her life. If she has mental illness and she knows she's incapable of looking after a baby, being a mother - Believe her! She knows herself best. We don't.

 

 

You are entitled to your opinion.

[whichwayisup]

Abortions are a very emotional, personal and heated topic, it's bound to happen ,not only on here but out in the real offline world too. That's why so many steer away from discussions because people are so passionate about their beliefs and choices in the matter.

 

My only concern is your harshness coming across to her and maybe take into consideration that she needs some TLC and gentler words rather than YOU WILL and you SHOULD.. That's all.

[whichwayisup]

You are entitled to your opinion.

 

WHat? You think you know the OP better than she knows herself?

 

And yes, you're entitled to yours, I just wish you showed abit more compassion towards her instead of being so blunt and coming off like you're pushing your own beliefs on her making her feel pressured and worse than she already feels. She's so torn on what to do, I hope you see this?

[jaloka]

A little compassion goes a long way. What's done is done and bashing the OP does not help her make a decision.

 

Make sure you take care of yourself first, talk to a counselor, close friend. A baby is a precious gift. Hugs and lots of prayers...

[Emme]

To you, yes that is how it reads. To her, it doesn't..At all.

 

I can only speak from the perspective of what is written by the poster. The first post I read and I responded.

 

Sorry but it comes off as pushy and not understanding where she's at right now in her life. If she has mental illness and she knows she's incapable of looking after a baby, being a mother - Believe her! She knows herself best. We don't.

 

You are entitled to your opinion. That's how you view what i have placed in bold letters and I can't take that view point from you. I am not being pushy, I was voicing my opinion based on her first post. She wanted to know "So now what??" and I responded to her post.

 

Mental Illness is categorized. A mental hospital deals with many different areas, she listed emotionally only. Some of which can be controlled with medication. The mental information was not a part of my source when I made my first post. This is a woman who is confused as to what road she can take. If she was adamant that she could not have this child there would be no post questioning it's existence. She would have aborted already. You've also disregared her other options to having a child which includes meds, asistance, and also the father of this child. Options are important. They help you make decisions.

 

My only concern is your harshness coming across to her and maybe take into consideration that she needs some TLC and gentler words rather than YOU WILL and you SHOULD.. That's all.

 

Once again your opinion - "harshness"... "Needs some TLC"... "gentler words". You are bringing your personal issues to the table instead of objectively looking at what I wrote. Pay close attention to my words in my first post. I told her she's already decided (That's not what your eyes saw). Next step please go to the Dr. and get a test. Just to make sure it's not a fluke. Find out her status of how far she is in her pregnancy and last I asked her to start eating healthy. She siad she was freaking out I told her don't be sad or nervous.

 

Here's my post. Read it.

 

You won't be able to live with yourself if you get rid of it, so... You are keeping your child. Next step make an appointment to see your doctor and get another pregnancy test. Find out how far along you are. Start eating healthy and take care of your body.

 

Yes you will tell him. No it will not be over the phone. It will be face to face.

 

Don't be sad or nervous. "Where there's a will, there's a way."

 

I see no harshness, I see TLC, I see gentle words. What exactly are you reading!

 

 

WHat? You think you know the OP better than she knows herself?

 

I gave my opinion from the source I read. You want to continue dismissing other peoples view point, that is your choice. I can't take that from you. I have said nothing about knowing this woman, I gave my opinion on the information at hand. If you don't like it please ask LS to create a ignore button. If someones views bother you that much, press the button.

 

 

And yes, you're entitled to yours, I just wish you showed abit more compassion towards her instead of being so blunt and coming off like you're pushing your own beliefs on her making her feel pressured and worse than she already feels. She's so torn on what to do, I hope you see this?

 

You can wish for what you want. I like to keep it simple, I hate posting essays. It past 3am and I have to explain my first post to others because they choose to take my words and take them out of context. I read her first post and off of reading the english I posted my response. If you disagree that's fine. But don't disagree for the wrong reason. You chose to read and feel those emotions. That as I've said is a personal problem.

 

Once again a thread has turned into not posting for the poster but what some deem inapropriate which was never the case to begin with. It's not the first time it's happened and it won't be the last.

 

I truly hope that people on this board will stop assuming someones meaning of their words. If you are confused on what's being said ask for clarification. Don't attack, it's that's simple. This will hopefully be my last essay. I will be returning to simple sentences.

[woinlove]

Emme, I'm not sure why you are missing what others are seeing.

 

You will keep the baby. You will tell him. No it will not be over the phone.

 

Those don't read like opinions or advice. They read like commands, like some parents might talk to a young child, not to an adult. I get that you meant to say something else. Maybe something along the lines. I think you are saying you lean towards keeping the child.** I think it would be a good idea to tell him in person. But that isn't what you said and so that is why it doesn't read like you have empathy and compassion for the situation kareena is in, where she needs to be able to voice all her fears and concerns as she tries to sort out what she will do. **although I don't see this in kareena's post, I take it that is how you read her posts.

Edited February 19, 2012 by woinlove

[Trimmer]

I can only speak from the perspective of what is written by the poster. The first post I read and I responded.

 

...I have to explain my first post to others because they choose to take my words and take them out of context. I read her first post and off of reading the english I posted my response.

I think the idea of "context" is indeed an important one here. You hadn't read the whole thread when you responded to the first post. If you had, you would have seen that the OP had already expressed her apparent inability to accept ANY of the 3 outcomes ("get rid of it", put it up for adoption, or raise it.)

 

Given that context, which was the one the rest of us (including, I assume the OP) were working within at that point, your post did seem selective, focusing only on the oldest information, and giving what sounded to you (in your context) as a simple restatement of the situation as you saw it, but what sounded to the rest of us (in the full context of the thread) as a command for the OP - who was still clearly undecided - to pick your option.

 

I now think I understand why that statement sounds like it does, and your perspective when you wrote it, but I maintain that it is important to have absorbed (or at least skimmed...) the entire thread in order to give advice that is consistent with the current context, as things often change and develop, and situations often become more fully described, after the first post is written.

 

So I guess I would say that your words weren't taken out of context - by posting late in a thread that you hadn't read, you inadvertently placed your words out of context. Everyone was reading them in the context of the thread that had developed to that point - that's what a "thread" is - but you were still working in the context of the first post, and the first post only.

 

My last essay on the subject, too.

Edited February 19, 2012 by Trimmer

[woinlove]

Of course what Emma wrote reads like opinions or advice. What Emma wrote can't possibly be anything else. But the OP has to make a decision to either keep the baby or not. There's no middle ground, sorry. What Emma wrote is no more of a "command" than your phraseology. Since Emma has no control over OP's behavior, she can't "command" anything. What you object to is not that what Emma wrote is a "command"--which it is not--but that is stated in very decisive terms. And that's appropriate because the OP has to make a decision, and quickly, about whether or not to keep the baby.

 

You are wrong, since I have never told kareena whether she should keep the baby or not, as an opinion or as a statement. Personally, I don't think that is appropriate as this is a major decision based on many individual factors which none of us know. However, given your statement about aborting the mother, which I found extemely offensive, I would not expect you to understand the kind of sounding board and support that kareena needs.

[whichwayisup]

I can only speak from the perspective of what is written by the poster. The first post I read and I responded.

 

 

 

You are entitled to your opinion. That's how you view what i have placed in bold letters and I can't take that view point from you. I am not being pushy, I was voicing my opinion based on her first post. She wanted to know "So now what??" and I responded to her post.

 

Mental Illness is categorized. A mental hospital deals with many different areas, she listed emotionally only. Some of which can be controlled with medication. The mental information was not a part of my source when I made my first post. This is a woman who is confused as to what road she can take. If she was adamant that she could not have this child there would be no post questioning it's existence. She would have aborted already. You've also disregared her other options to having a child which includes meds, asistance, and also the father of this child. Options are important. They help you make decisions.

 

 

 

Once again your opinion - "harshness"... "Needs some TLC"... "gentler words". You are bringing your personal issues to the table instead of objectively looking at what I wrote. Pay close attention to my words in my first post. I told her she's already decided (That's not what your eyes saw). Next step please go to the Dr. and get a test. Just to make sure it's not a fluke. Find out her status of how far she is in her pregnancy and last I asked her to start eating healthy. She siad she was freaking out I told her don't be sad or nervous.

 

Here's my post. Read it.

 

 

 

I see no harshness, I see TLC, I see gentle words. What exactly are you reading!

 

 

 

 

I gave my opinion from the source I read. You want to continue dismissing other peoples view point, that is your choice. I can't take that from you. I have said nothing about knowing this woman, I gave my opinion on the information at hand. If you don't like it please ask LS to create a ignore button. If someones views bother you that much, press the button.

 

 

 

 

You can wish for what you want. I like to keep it simple, I hate posting essays. It past 3am and I have to explain my first post to others because they choose to take my words and take them out of context. I read her first post and off of reading the english I posted my response. If you disagree that's fine. But don't disagree for the wrong reason. You chose to read and feel those emotions. That as I've said is a personal problem.

 

Once again a thread has turned into not posting for the poster but what some deem inapropriate which was never the case to begin with. It's not the first time it's happened and it won't be the last.

 

I truly hope that people on this board will stop assuming someones meaning of their words. If you are confused on what's being said ask for clarification. Don't attack, it's that's simple. This will hopefully be my last essay. I will be returning to simple sentences.

 

Let's agree to disagree. I have no personal problem, it's just a fact that people take words and advice differently depending on where they are in life, their frame of minds etc..

[pureinheart]

It's strange I was always pro women exercising their legal right to choose,I never thought I would feel differently about it if it were me who was put in that situation I guess some maternal instincts are kicking in,which is why I am finding it very difficult to make the decision I pretty much know is the one I need to make...if I do decide to get an abortion,should I still tell MM? I mean we haven't talked since December its kinda awkward!

 

 

Hi kareena,

 

((((((((((hugs)))))))))), I only read the first page of your thread and I wasn't impressed on any level the majority of advice that you received.

 

I hope you keep your baby or give the baby up for adoption. I am not sure what country you live in, but if you are in the US you can contact your nearest Crisis Pregnancy Counseling Center (not Planned Parenthood) and they have a resource list that is unbelieveable.

 

Good luck to you. Babies are precious, each and every one of them. Abortion is not the answer.

[bentnotbroken]

Hi kareena,

 

((((((((((hugs)))))))))), I only read the first page of your thread and I wasn't impressed on any level the majority of advice that you received.

 

I hope you keep your baby or give the baby up for adoption. I am not sure what country you live in, but if you are in the US you can contact your nearest Crisis Pregnancy Counseling Center (not Planned Parenthood) and they have a resource list that is unbelieveable.

 

Good luck to you. Babies are precious, each and every one of them. Abortion is not the answer.

 

 

It is possible that it might be the answer she is looking for. Whatever she decides will be best for her and her situation.

[MissBee]

]It is possible that it might be the answer she is looking for. [/b]Whatever she decides will be best for her and her situation.

 

I know right...had no clue that it mattered whether or not another poster was impressed by other people's advice, esp when admitting one has only read 1 page of the thread, so long as the OP finds what he/she needs.

 

And kareena already took the advice to get the counseling and is quite squared away, as far as finding more resources outside of LS is concerned. That should help her to ultimately know what she will do regardless of what any of us think is or isn't the answer.

[kareena]

OK,I read the thread and it seems that a few people on here got into some sort of disagreement so I would like to clear a few things up:

 

I do realize that using the words :" i can't live with that guilt" was a bit dramatic but it does not mean that I'm suicidal,because I'm not.I was simply typing from my heart one might say.

 

I have been diagnosed with BPD a few years back,this is my main reason for believing that I am not fit to be a parent because although I'm fine and functioning "normally" while on my meds I could have a setback any minute,living with BPD is a constant battle which I do not wish to expose an innocent child to.

 

I appreciate all the different points of view and am genuinely touched by the sincerity and care displayed by some of the posters (woinlove,whichwayisup this includes you ). There was this one post that hurt my feelings, TrisiaUSF,you made a comment about keeping the fetus and aborting the mother which I found very harsh.if this is your opinion and how you feel then well and good for you but what might be just words to you can really hurt other people,please try to keep that in mind.

 

I guess that's all for now, a decision has not been made yet regarding the pregnancy but I will be seeing xMM to discuss things.My initial instinct was to do it over the phone but I do agree with some of the posters that it might be better face to face,MM might be many things but violent is not one of them so I think I will be fine.

 

I have no idea what will happen, obviously he won't be thrilled about it given the circumstances but I see now that he does have the right to know regardless of his reaction and maybe he will help me figure things out.I will keep you posted,wish me luck!