Friendship or love? I threw them both away

[atinylambfromsomewhe]

Hi there. I will endeavor to keep this from becoming a chapter from war and peace, so please bear with me.

 

I was in a very long relationship that began in my early teens and hit its twilight in my early 20s. This was my first love, and although I felt very powerfully for the man I was with, I also began to struggle with my own personal growth and my own expectations as to what I wanted out of life. The relationship was turbulent, occasionally abusive, but I come from an abusive home so perhaps this was normal for me.

 

In any case, I met a friend a few years ago when I needed help in School, and admittedly, needed someone to lean on-and formed a strong, wonderful friendship with him. He was very funny, always childish around others but in an endearing big kid sort of way (he was always playing with my two baby brothers [their mom left after they were born and their dad works two jobs] but when we were alone he could be very serious. He was perceptive in ways I was not used to, so his ability to understand my own emotions before I did would aggravate me. But, I could never hide anything from him, and after a while I stopped trying. Because of this, he knew all my terrible secrets (i have done many things I regret) but he never judged me for them. He was very comforting, and helped me understand what it meant to be accountable for one's actions. My relationship meanwhile, was going through its standard peaks and valleys, and because of this I probably took to my friends steady, understanding personality. If I called him, he would always answer, even at 5 am. He'd make me dinners when I was sad, take me to the zoo or other places Id never actually gone (my childhood was not privy to these sorts of trips). He walked to my house one night in the snow after I was in a particularly depressed state and mentioned I dident care if I lived or died anymore-he showed up with his pants pulled up to his chest and it was so unexpected all I could do was laugh and laugh. He was always good at that I suppose.

 

Over the years, he never once made any moves on me, but I had the sense he liked me. So I began to initiate certain things to see if I was right. This was wrong of me on so many levels, but at the time, well, I wish I had a real explanation. He resisted for a very long period, assuring me I simply had a small crush on him and that I still loved my boyfriend. I told him he was right, but kept on with my strange experiment all the same. Eventually, one night, he gave in, and I panicked. I quickly ended up blaming him, retreated to my boyfriend, and convinced myself he had forced himself upon me. He was heartbroken, and spent weeks apologizing for something he dident do. He said his friendship with me was more important than any silly behavior, and he wrote me a letter echoing this sentiment-I tossed the letter away.

 

I tried to entrench myself in my relationship, and for a while it worked, but the same old problems surfaced and I found myself making excuses to see this old friend again. In time, we reforged our old bond, discussed my actions, agreed that the friendship was more important to us than wounds from the past, and moved on. He resumed being the wonderful person he always was to me, and before long I found myself in the same place that led to dissolution of friendship in the first place. I initiated physical contact, and he followed suit. I still dont understand what was going on in my head during this period, why i cheated on my boyfriend, why I toyed with this friend. But my relationship was growing more abusive, so I'd like to think we were both at fault for drifting apart and hurting each other.

 

Because I was unable to wade through the conflicting emotions I felt-I ended up betraying my friend again, in the exact same way, only this time it broke him. A very close friend of his had died unexpectedly a few weeks before he was supposed to go to his wedding, and he went through a very rough patch. He confessed one night he loved me, and that he was sorry for loving me, but that if I would only give him some time he could balance the two sides of his heart. He said he really needed me, and after losing a friendship he now understood what real friendship meant. I told him he meant nothing to me, that he was just another boy I messed around with and I got my boyfriend to text him to leave me alone, i then blocked his number.

 

A few weeks later, I ended my relationship and jumped into a new one. This lasted about 6 months.

 

It's now been over a year, and I have had alot of time for reflection and growth. I wish I could give a reason for my actions, but I cannot. I was young, confused, and stupid. I thought love meant butterflies and shyness, I never realized the warmth, security and comfort I felt around this friend meant so much to me. I havent spoken to him in a very long time. He blocked me on facebook, which I understand, and I'm conflicted over whether or not to contact him. In all my life I never had a friend embrace me the way he did, or forgive my sins in such short order, all this growth is, in effect, because of him-and I cant even thank him.

 

I know his brother, and have gleaned certain things over time about him. This old friend never betrayed my secrets or what I did to him, even to his family, and I ache for him now. He kept it all to himself, lived with the pain I caused him, and he never once lashed out in anger or bitterness towards me. While I busied myself with the bar scene and shallow relationships, ignored his phone calls, and pretended I was happy, he did what he promised me so many years ago; he stayed a loyal friend, even as I destroyed him. I found out recently that when he tried calling me 6 months ago, my brother forgot to give me the message. This friend asked if I was home, and when I rushed out the door, signaling to my brother that I dident want to speak, he asked if I was happy-and when my brother said yes-he said I'm glad. If shes happy, I wont bother her anymore.

 

This friend was far from perfect mind you, he had an Irish temper and we argued from time to time, but he could always admit when he was wrong, and he never clung to old wounds. Should I attempt to reconnect with him? Im willing to do whatever it takes, id even beg him if it came to that, i just dont want to hurt him anymore, but I cant live with this growing anxiety either.

 

Advice is appreciated, and if nothing else, maybe someone will learn from my experience.

[Mme. Chaucer]

What happened to the two motherless babies?

[ja123]

Yes, contact him.

 

But if he does agree to see you, IMO you should take things slowly.

[lostboy11]

Your post is from the heart. You took some time to think about things obviously and you are very reflective. This guy sounds like he would have done anything for you, but for some reason, you couldn't see it at the time. Wrecking him over and over was not good, but nothing you can do about it now. The question is, are you just lonely right now and needing someone? That would be a bandaid situation which is not good because you may just end up hurting him again. I know how it is to feel alone and it's the worst thing in the world to look for a bandaid for emergency heart repair. Think about if you're motivated by the right reasons. If you find that your intentions are not purely selfish and you want to give to him what he has given to you so many times, then yes, contact him. But be prepared for the possibility of heartbreak. Good luck.

[NoMagicBullet]

... The question is, are you just lonely right now and needing someone? ... Think about if you're motivated by the right reasons.

 

Yes, why do you want to contact him? Because you want him back in your life, because you feel guilty -- why? What's this growing anxiety you feel really about? I suspect you want to contact him in the hope that you'll feel better, not because it will benefit him.

 

You haven't said anything about what positive things you want to do for this friend you've devastated -- twice! -- or even that you want to apologize to him. It's obvious you realize what you've lost, but I don't see where you've really considered what he needs to heal the wounds you made. If he can heal.

 

The most contact I'd suggest would be to write him an honest letter of apology for what you've done -- after you've taken some more time to reflect and you find a reason why you did what you did other than "I was young and stupid", because that just doesn't suffice in this case. For the amount and type of damage you did to someone who really cared about you, you need to dig deeper and really know why, or there's a good chance you'll be making the same mistakes again in some fashion. If you get to that point, where you really know why, you really are sorry, and you really wish the best for him even if he's not in your life anymore, then write that apology letter. Ask his brother to convey it... and continue to leave him alone.