Lostinlife4now Posted February 18, 2012 Share Posted February 18, 2012 I get that you are hurting, but what I don't understand is how you can feel so passionate in your supposed understanding of what I (or anyone else) is feeling because if what you went through. You dont know anything about me. But I can tell you this, I have never, and will never, compromise my integrity and self-worth for any man, married or not. I also would not lie for, or make excuses for, anyone either. And I would never settle for being anyone's Plan B And in regards to your not having anyone to dine with or have holidays with --why the hell not? You have no friends, no family? And what are you expecting if you get your man, that all of a sudden he would become your everything? All the loneliness, emptiness, bitterness, resentment and pain that you talk about, do you really believe that all that would magically leave you if he were to walk away from his wife to be with you? I have seen these sort of comments before from OW --and I have never understood it. And the dirty little secret comment, don't get me started on that one. That is a victim mindset. After 4 years of active participation, you are hardly a victim. From the sound of it, your problems do not lie with the fact that he did not leave, your problems lie within yourself, so please save your breaking heart for yourself. OUCH OUCH OUCH!!! SBC that hurt!!!!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SBC Posted February 18, 2012 Share Posted February 18, 2012 (edited) Oh honey it is so lopsided. He's safe in your life. Everyone knows but does everyone in his life know? Oh, and all those that know smile for you and with you but see the hurt behind your back and know what you are doing is wrong so wrong and not fair at all to you. They whisper if only he would leave his wife, if only. Everytime you attend an event without mr. married man they think oh he must be with his wife tonight. Oh good God, you are so dramatic. Oh and knock of your bogus "honey" and "love" statements. I am neither your honey or your love. Edited February 18, 2012 by SBC Link to post Share on other sites
Lostinlife4now Posted February 18, 2012 Share Posted February 18, 2012 Yes, I did. Did you? Or did you miss this. What does that tell you?????? Ok now lets' not get upset here!!! I just watched Whitney Houstons HomeGoing...and there ain't nothing in this cold hard world worse than dying young... So let's all just get along!!!!! Please.............. Link to post Share on other sites
jaloka Posted February 19, 2012 Share Posted February 19, 2012 Sorry to hear your relationship did not work out and that you were misled into believing otherwise. I'm also in a long term EMR, 6+ yrs. MM was clear from day 1 that he wasn't going to leave his BS. What we have works for us and I wouldn't expect anyone to understand. Link to post Share on other sites
notsofabulous Posted February 19, 2012 Share Posted February 19, 2012 (edited) Hello, I just read your thread and honestly, I use to think like that... Until I became that man! I was recently in a love affair that spent out of control. It started out just being friends and quickly turned into more! I was so convinced that the OW was my soul mate that I started preparing to leave my wife of seven years in the beginning of the year. My only set back was my children! I told myself that as soon as my youngest bday had past, I was out because I could no longer take the void that was in my life with my D.W. The night of my child's bday, I was awakened by my D.W. saying Who have you been texting? Make a long story short, I've been away from the house for a little over a month... And the other woman won't return my calls either! That Karma is truly a bad girl! The point I'm trying to convey is that the deed of the cheat is wrong... No doubt about it! But their are sincere men out there. I was willing to give everything up (for the exception of my children) to be with this woman! Edited February 19, 2012 by notsofabulous Link to post Share on other sites
SBC Posted February 19, 2012 Share Posted February 19, 2012 I thought you and your married "boyfriend" were moving in together. Sorry that didn't work out for you, and even sorrier that you have accepted the role of OW. I hope you aren't like some of the other OW who have been hoping the BS will finally just give him up. Nope, wrong person. And you feel sorry for me why? Trust me, you should not. I have been married before and I liked it, but I don't really want to be married, or even in a committed relationship, right now. I am busy learning, growing and discovering myself. He is doing the same (he has been married a long, long time) And we help each other in this regard. As much as some of you wish it to be, not every affair is a situation based solely on sneaking, lying and wild hanging-from-the-chandelier sex. Sometimes two people really care about each other and they work together to help each other become better people. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
thomasb Posted February 19, 2012 Share Posted February 19, 2012 I'd like to know how colluding with a man to lie,cheat and become a dishonest adulterer is helping him become a better person. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SBC Posted February 19, 2012 Share Posted February 19, 2012 I'd like to know how colluding with a man to lie,cheat and become a dishonest adulterer is helping him become a better person. If I thought you were really interested in an honest answer, I would take the time to answer you thomas...but I have seen your posts before and all you are about is feeling righteous in the decision that you made. Link to post Share on other sites
SBC Posted February 19, 2012 Share Posted February 19, 2012 Hmm, I bet if his wife knew he was trying so hard to be a better person, she'd like to help him out with that. No, she probably would not...it would mean too much of a change in her own comfortable circumstances. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted February 19, 2012 Share Posted February 19, 2012 I'd like to know how colluding with a man to lie,cheat and become a dishonest adulterer is helping him become a better person. I am curious as well, and I'm not being facetious about my interest. I understand positives coming out of As, as positives can come out of any situation, but find it hard to imagine how an A allows for the APs to become better people in itself. Better in what regard? Is it better in a specific area or wholesale better, is it character wise or with regard to some other notable trait, is it only in the eyes of the APs themselves and a private form of better but not something that would be visible to other people? What does that mean? Link to post Share on other sites
SBC Posted February 19, 2012 Share Posted February 19, 2012 I don't see how being dishonest helps anyone become a better person. Just because her friends a family know she's an OW, that doesn't legitimize the relationship, or make it more honest. She's still with a man married to someone else. That's like embezzling money and thinking that since your friends know your an embezzler, that makes the embezzling ok. Change takes time. And helping someone see that they have dishonest not only with others, but more importantly, with themselves takes time. It is called maturing. You know, the process of growing, learning, accepting ones faults, asking and granting forgiveness for past wrongs, etc. But apparently everyone on this board popped out of the womb fully matured and perfect with no faults in their personalities, or chinks in their armor. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted February 19, 2012 Share Posted February 19, 2012 I am curious as well, and I'm not being facetious about my interest. I understand positives coming out of As, as positives can come out of any situation, but find it hard to imagine how an A allows for the APs to become better people in itself. Better in what regard?Better at lying? Link to post Share on other sites
SBC Posted February 19, 2012 Share Posted February 19, 2012 I am curious as well, and I'm not being facetious about my interest. I understand positives coming out of As, as positives can come out of any situation, but find it hard to imagine how an A allows for the APs to become better people in itself. Better in what regard? Is it better in a specific area or wholesale better, is it character wise or with regard to some other notable trait, is it only in the eyes of the APs themselves and a private form of better but not something that would be visible to other people? What does that mean? Sometimes people are so caught up in their situation after so many years that they cannot see the forest for the trees. They also cannot see that change (in themselves and in their circumstances) is positive and possible. I mean no disrespect, but I would be interested in knowing the ages of people responding to me. Mostly, you all sound rather young and life is still fresh for you Link to post Share on other sites
SBC Posted February 19, 2012 Share Posted February 19, 2012 or his. How do you know? She might just turn him lose and you two could live happily ever after? I guess anything is possible. Link to post Share on other sites
SBC Posted February 19, 2012 Share Posted February 19, 2012 I wish you both well in your quest to grow up. I would accept it if only I knew it were a sincere wish, but sadly, I know it is not. Link to post Share on other sites
SBC Posted February 19, 2012 Share Posted February 19, 2012 Oh, trust me, it was. This place would be a lot nicer if more people, as you say it, "matured." Fair enough. Then I accept your wish as sincere and I thank you for it. It has been an interesting road so far, and I am excited as the journey continues. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted February 19, 2012 Share Posted February 19, 2012 Sometimes people are so caught up in their situation after so many years that they cannot see the forest for the trees. They also cannot see that change (in themselves and in their circumstances) is positive and possible. I mean no disrespect, but I would be interested in knowing the ages of people responding to me. Mostly, you all sound rather young and life is still fresh for you I don't think it is a fair assessment for you to not explain but decide that we all must be young, fresh and inept, why we cannot understand this. It would be better if you had explained what you meant instead of turning it around on us and blame our lack of understanding on our perceived ages. And we talking about condescending... How old are you? Then we can all compare our ages to see if more people closer to your age get it and if it is truly a problem of age. I understanding being caught up in a situation and so on and so forth, but do not see how that readily transfers to the notion that an A makes the participants better people. If you don't mind, I'd like you to further flesh that out with more concrete examples of what positives have they realized are possible, what changes etc. Link to post Share on other sites
SBC Posted February 19, 2012 Share Posted February 19, 2012 I don't think it is a fair assessment for you to not explain but decide that we all must be young, fresh and inept, why we cannot understand this. It would be better if you had explained what you meant instead of turning it around on us and blame our lack of understanding on our perceived ages. And we talking about condescending... How old are you? Then we can all compare our ages to see if more people closer to your age get it and if it is truly a problem of age. I understanding being caught up in a situation and so on and so forth, but do not see how that readily transfers to the notion that an A makes the participants better people. If you don't mind, I'd like you to further flesh that out with more concrete examples of what positives have they realized are possible, what changes etc. Miss B, why do you do this? I never said anyone was inept. I said young and fresh. Life, especially life in relationships, IS different for younger people than it is as you get older. Please. I am 53. And I never said that being caught up in a situation readily transfers the notion that an A makes participants better people. But it can in the right circumstances. Link to post Share on other sites
SBC Posted February 19, 2012 Share Posted February 19, 2012 I'd like you to further flesh that out with more concrete examples of what positives have they realized are possible, what changes etc. And I politely decline this invitation to lay myself out there like this for your thoughtful examination at this time. Link to post Share on other sites
SBC Posted February 19, 2012 Share Posted February 19, 2012 Well I'm not young and I have found, that I don't want a man who has trouble seeing clearly nor do I want to or will I EVER wait on a man again to make changes in himself so he can be with me. Actually, I think if a man is so lacking that he doesn't see clearly or a woman is waiting on a man to see clearly, they both have issues and being together isn't going to fix it. In fact, rinse, cycle, repeat. And I'm not being disrespectful to you, I'm stating what I've LEARNED the hard way. BTW......I'm 51. But, I am not waiting. Therein lies the difficulty and suffering of so many people. The waiting. No, no, I have my foot firmly planted on the pedal on the right and it is to the floor. My life is in full forward motion. I just happen to have a very dear friend in my life that has some need of a little clarity. (he is much better now) and I dont have a problem in being a part of his process of growing and gaining clarity. To me, that is what a friendship (the basis of all relationships) is all about. And the vision he brings to my life is wonderful too 1 Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted February 19, 2012 Share Posted February 19, 2012 "...a part of his process of growing and gaining clarity..." I totally get this as I used to think I could fix my men too. You can't, I finally found out, so I quit settling and making excuses for men and let the right man find me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted February 19, 2012 Share Posted February 19, 2012 Miss B, why do you do this? I never said anyone was inept. I said young and fresh. Life, especially life in relationships, IS different for younger people than it is as you get older. Please. I am 53. And I never said that being caught up in a situation readily transfers the notion that an A makes participants better people. But it can in the right circumstances. SBC...you don't have to actually type the word inept, as from my understanding of the word inept it means without skill or aptitude for a certain task. Why would you care to bring up people being young and fresh if you did not think that affected our ability to comprehend what you're saying? Your explanation of what you said means exactly the same as what I said.... Anyway.....if you don't want to answer the actual important part of the question, you clearly are under no obligation, but I see no point in going round and round to discuss less important aspects about whether or not you said the word inept. The part I cared about was asking for concrete examples of what you meant, since I didn't see how exactly what you had said about forest for the trees etc transferred in to As making people better people. That is all I'm asking ---for a concrete example--- not a reiteration of vague concepts of not seeing the forest for the trees and so forth that don't mean anything or help one to picture what you mean in everyday life. That was the meat of my post and the only thing I cared to know about. Link to post Share on other sites
SBC Posted February 19, 2012 Share Posted February 19, 2012 "...a part of his process of growing and gaining clarity..." I totally get this as I used to think I could fix my men too. You can't, I finally found out, so I quit settling and making excuses for men and let the right man find me. I don't get that, because I have never thought I could 'fix' anyone. Besides, I dont think he is broken--whatever that means. But, I believe people can grow and change, and so while I am not waiting around for him to do so, and I am certainly not actively trying to fix anyone --it is glorious to watch someone slowly open their eyes and see the world in a new way. It is beautiful actually. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SBC Posted February 19, 2012 Share Posted February 19, 2012 SBC...you don't have to actually type the word inept, as from my understanding of the word inept it means without skill or aptitude for a certain task. Why would you care to bring up people being young and fresh if you did not think that affected our ability to comprehend what you're saying? Your explanation of what you said means exactly the same as what I said.... Anyway.....if you don't want to answer the actual important part of the question, you clearly are under no obligation, but I see no point in going round and round to discuss less important aspects about whether or not you said the word inept. The part I cared about was asking for concrete examples of what you meant, since I didn't see how exactly what you had said about forest for the trees etc transferred in to As making people better people. That is all I'm asking ---for a concrete example--- not a reiteration of vague concepts of not seeing the forest for the trees and so forth that don't mean anything or help one to picture what you mean in everyday life. That was the meat of my post and the only thing I cared to know about. and your age is? you did say we could all compare ages, and afterall, I gave up mine. Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted February 19, 2012 Share Posted February 19, 2012 Help him grow and gain clarity = fix IMO. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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