Enjoys my company but that's just it.....

[petal28]

So i recently met a guy who enjoys my company, likes hanging out and talking to me, we laugh alot together and i know he finds me attractive. I also know that he is ready to settle down but he doesn't want to do that with me. I was wondering whether someone could explain this. Wouldnt a man who wanted to settle down with someone whose company he enjoyed, was able to have a laugh with and found attractive? Have any of the men on this forum met a girl like i've just described but just knew that the girl wasn't marriage material?

Edited February 18, 2012 by petal28

[Professor X]

At first when I was reading your post I was kinda baffled, but than I realized there could be several reasons:

 

1. When you say he likes to hang out with you, what he means is he finds it cool, as hanging out with a guy; When you say you laugh a lot together, he actually doesn't find YOU funny, just the situation; When he says he enjoys your company what he means is it's not boring; Regarding the attractiveness issue, when he says you're attractive, he means there's nothing wrong with you, but nothing that gouges his eyes really.

In other words, you give (and rightfully so), to much credit to his wording - when in reality, he most likely says it to not hurt you.

 

2. Regardless of all the above, he doesn't feel that spark with you, so the best I can say (or the worse?) is that he finds you cool to hang with as if you were a dude.

 

3. I am sure you have friendzoned some guys in your past, and as much as it's rare for guys to do it to girls, it happens, so if you did it to a guy, you know the reasons yourself.

 

Anyway, he showed you his intentions regarding to you in the romantic department, if you're cool with it than carry on, if you think you can somehow make him fall for you, than you are gravely mistaken, as it rarely happens. So I'd advice on moving on.

[petal28]

Anyone else?

[here4her]

I'm going through something similar. I been dating someone for 8 months, and she just won't commit to anything. She spends her free time with other people, and has me over for dinner and to sleep once or twice a week (nothing sexual)

At first she said she was scared to be hurt, it sounded cute and innocent, but 8 months of that seems a little weird. The more I dig, the more I think I find.

I think shes seeing someone else, and isn't ready to make a decision.

She's gone so far to say she loves me, but her actions say something else.

I'm at the mindset now that if she felt that way she would show it, she'd wanna be with me, and I wouldn't have to question where we stand.

I think you should really think it through, how many happy couples started with such a rocky beginning?

[norajane]

LIKING someone isn't the same as WANTING someone. Enjoying someone's company is not the same as thinking about them all the time. Believing someone is objectively attractive isn't the same as wanting to get naked and kiss them everywhere.

[Emilia]

I'm going through something similar. I been dating someone for 8 months, and she just won't commit to anything. She spends her free time with other people, and has me over for dinner and to sleep once or twice a week (nothing sexual)

At first she said she was scared to be hurt, it sounded cute and innocent, but 8 months of that seems a little weird. The more I dig, the more I think I find.

I think shes seeing someone else, and isn't ready to make a decision.

She's gone so far to say she loves me, but her actions say something else.

I'm at the mindset now that if she felt that way she would show it, she'd wanna be with me, and I wouldn't have to question where we stand.

I think you should really think it through, how many happy couples started with such a rocky beginning?

 

You are right, she is sleeping with someone else. If you are not having sex, you are only friends.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Think of yourself as a really good friend, that he can have sex with.

 

What you're describing is very common, it's where a lot women land for men.

 

You're attractive enough, nice, enjoyable to be around, have good chemistry but not great, fun and pleasurable. If there is sex then the sex is good and satisfying but you're not making love to the woman, but maybe almost (at least emotionally you're still detached from greater emotion).

 

He likes to contact you when It's convenient, but overall pretty communicative but not all of the time. He get's his personal space and you're usually up for anything If he suggests.

 

But this all doesn't mean you're the "one"...it doesn't mean you're someone he feels head over heels for or is very attracted to and just completely into.

 

When women go out with a man they fish for potential. They might know If they're worth sleeping with or at least getting to know, but women usually try and judge things as an open book, and take people for who they are to a degree and at least can change their attitude or become further interested or into a man, that maybe even they didn't find all that appealing in the beginning...however if they already were attracted it just goes further.

 

For men it works differently. When we see you we know right away If you meet our standards of attraction or not and a lot of it will be based off of that alone. Secondly once we get to know you, it can also change how much we like or are interested in you but it doesn't do that to the degree of oh...this girl is so amazing and fun to be around that maybe now I'm going to be interested in them for the long-term. A guy knows right away if you have long-term potential, but he'll never tell you that.

 

So with men, you were already initially cut out of the picture way before you even had a chance, at the point he decided to be with you he had already determined how far he could get with you.

 

So from a logical point of view, it might seem like on paper you're the type of girl he is looking for, but the X factor is you. It's not that easy for men to just "find the right kinda girl" most men aren't looking for the "right girl" they're looking for someone they are really into/attracted to that happens to have the qualities that they are looking for as a secondary attribute, but unlike with women...you cannot make up or compensate If you lack the attraction or appeal, or whatever he needs in order to make that decision for a long-term relationship/marriage.

 

However you'd be surprised how many men get into relationships just by obligation, the pace of the relationship...and how you feel. Or what they feel is their duty to do the right thing or maybe even they've decided to use you (most do).

 

That is why many women get strung along, they sit around hoping that the guy will want to be with them in the long run...when for a man that doesn't really change, once you're put in that box you can't get out of it...If he makes the decision to be with you otherwise, it's because some outside influence in a way forced him to.

 

Which is why you should waste your time If you want long-term potential with this guy, you're not what he's looking for...you shouldn't try to figure it out though because you'll never understand it, you'll just be on that merry-go-round of why why why but you'll never get the answer you're looking for and the relationship will be problematic with you trying to change that.

[chelsea2011]

When a guy tells you where you stand with him, believe it because it's true. You will end up driving yourself crazy if you choose to believe otherwise. Don't waste your time because he's made it clear where you stand. Accept it and simply move on. More importantly, close the door for good because he will continue to try to keep you around if he thinks there is a chance you will give in eventually.

[kaylan]

Ill have to disagree with Ninja a little bit on this one. I dont think guys always know right away if a girl has LTR potential or not. For many guys, including myself, we do need to find out certain things about her to see if shes suitable to date long term...that is if we didnt cross her off the list already.

 

I will agree that a guy will know right away if youre his physical type enough that he will give you the chance at showing yourself to be worthy of being his girlfriend. Basically, if you pass the attraction test the doors will open to see if you guys are compatible.

 

For me, its possible that I can be good friends with a girl, really enjoy hanging out, be attracted to her sexually, but not see her as long term potential for one reason or another.

 

Sometimes I dont know right away if Id date her long term, and will know after getting to know her some. If I choose not to go forward it can be because theres just really no romantic click there for me, and I dont feel like we fit in that way. You know, if I just dont see myself ending up with her.

 

Other times I will know right away as I have several deal breakers that would cross a woman off my list immediately.

Edited February 20, 2012 by kaylan

[petal28]

Think of yourself as a really good friend, that he can have sex with.

 

What you're describing is very common, it's where a lot women land for men.

 

You're attractive enough, nice, enjoyable to be around, have good chemistry but not great, fun and pleasurable. If there is sex then the sex is good and satisfying but you're not making love to the woman, but maybe almost (at least emotionally you're still detached from greater emotion).

 

He likes to contact you when It's convenient, but overall pretty communicative but not all of the time. He get's his personal space and you're usually up for anything If he suggests.

 

But this all doesn't mean you're the "one"...it doesn't mean you're someone he feels head over heels for or is very attracted to and just completely into.

 

When women go out with a man they fish for potential. They might know If they're worth sleeping with or at least getting to know, but women usually try and judge things as an open book, and take people for who they are to a degree and at least can change their attitude or become further interested or into a man, that maybe even they didn't find all that appealing in the beginning...however if they already were attracted it just goes further.

 

For men it works differently. When we see you we know right away If you meet our standards of attraction or not and a lot of it will be based off of that alone. Secondly once we get to know you, it can also change how much we like or are interested in you but it doesn't do that to the degree of oh...this girl is so amazing and fun to be around that maybe now I'm going to be interested in them for the long-term. A guy knows right away if you have long-term potential, but he'll never tell you that.

 

So with men, you were already initially cut out of the picture way before you even had a chance, at the point he decided to be with you he had already determined how far he could get with you.

 

So from a logical point of view, it might seem like on paper you're the type of girl he is looking for, but the X factor is you. It's not that easy for men to just "find the right kinda girl" most men aren't looking for the "right girl" they're looking for someone they are really into/attracted to that happens to have the qualities that they are looking for as a secondary attribute, but unlike with women...you cannot make up or compensate If you lack the attraction or appeal, or whatever he needs in order to make that decision for a long-term relationship/marriage.

 

However you'd be surprised how many men get into relationships just by obligation, the pace of the relationship...and how you feel. Or what they feel is their duty to do the right thing or maybe even they've decided to use you (most do).

 

That is why many women get strung along, they sit around hoping that the guy will want to be with them in the long run...when for a man that doesn't really change, once you're put in that box you can't get out of it...If he makes the decision to be with you otherwise, it's because some outside influence in a way forced him to.

 

Which is why you should waste your time If you want long-term potential with this guy, you're not what he's looking for...you shouldn't try to figure it out though because you'll never understand it, you'll just be on that merry-go-round of why why why but you'll never get the answer you're looking for and the relationship will be problematic with you trying to change that.

 

Hi Ninja, stemming from your quote (Men are only going to treat you with the respect you demand, not what you deserve) and your feedback from this thread, i would really like your opinion on a thread i recently created. Unfortunately i cannot send private messages so i was wondering whether you would mind providing me with some advice on my "guys who are disrespectful to girls" thread.