The aftermath of my breakup...

[Headintheclouds]

If you feel like reading the precursor to this, click HERE

 

I feel like I'm in hell right now.

 

I was stuck for a week, waiting for an answer from my girlfriend as to whether we were going to continue our relationship or not. I had previously poured my heart out to her and told her I wanted to work on things. I left our apartment for a week and stayed on a friends couch. Yesterday I got the answer I was looking for.

 

My gf told me while I was at work yesterday that she had left me a note at our apartment. I rushed home to read it knowing that it would be the turning point of everything. It basically said that she has slowly disconnected herself over time, and now just can't be in this relationship anymore. I was let off in a note after a 5 year relationship.

 

She was never cold to me, and actually I always thought she was very attached. We had a strong bond and I honestly never thought I would lose her. All in all I've known her for 11 years, and never have I recognized actions like these from her.

 

Before I left the apartment yesterday, I did something really stupid. I was so angry, so I just wanted to start clearing things out so I could start moving forward. I had kept all the little notes and cards she has given me over time, so I wanted to get rid of them. The problem was that I started reading them. I broke down…bad. I didn't think I would stop crying.

 

One of the letters stood out though. It was probably from a few months back, maybe 6 at most. It described her frustrations with my actions and was very communicative and constructive. It spoke to the way she felt as far as her feeling me pushing her away. It killed me to read it. I remember reading it when she gave it to me, and at that point I think I may have just brushed it off. I don't think it even phased me at the time. Reading it now, it is a red flag to me. It was her telling me that she wasn't feeling good about things and expressed how she wanted them to be. I feel HORRIBLE for passing it off.

 

Reading that has lingered with me since last night and its killing me. I feel that if I took action, I could have saved things. My question is why I was able to brush it off? I know I wasn't feeling great about the relationship either. I was not happy. Right now its all I want back in my life. Why is that?

 

Anyways, the part that is up ahead is going to be so hard for me. First off, we live together in NYC. Our lease isnt up until August. One of us has to move out or we have to somehow end the lease. In the meantime I'm sure this means that we will actually have to live together. Its going to be heavy for sure. We have a 1 bedroom apartment, so there isnt much room to escape each other. Then comes the part where we still have to separate everything we've integrated for the past 5 years. I've lived with by myself or with her for the past 10 years. The only way I'll be able to afford to live here in NYC is if I find a roomate. I really don't want to do that.

 

I feel so horrible about everything right now… her pushing me away is like she flipped a switch. The rug was pulled from under me. She shows me no emotion. Sunday I am going back to talk to her about what we need to resolve, and I will be staying back at the apartment with her after that. I don't know that I can deal with that much pain, or hold back my emotion enough to be able to co-exist.

 

Thanks for reading…I needed to vent.

[jus d'orange]

Hi there,

 

It's totally natural to judge your past actions harshly after the end of a relationship. However, an important realization is that there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. At first, this will make you angry, but you'll appreciate that your life will only be worse by dwelling upon mistakes of the past beyond learning from them for future reference. Further, you asked why you wanted back a time in the relationship that you weren't happy in. This is because your relationship with her was a source of feelings of safety, surety, and security. Now that this is gone, your instincts tell you to get them back, even though you know logically that this isn't what you want. Fight against the urge to want back what is gone and what you don't really want. Instead put your efforts into creating a new sense of safety and security in being a strong, single man.

 

From both your previous post and this one, it sounds like she's slowly removed herself emotionally from the relationship. If she doesn't want to be with you anymore, but you still love her, recognize that the most loving and powerful thing you can do is to respect her wishes. You have the added complication of living with her. Resolve to sort this problem out, either by finding a roommate or finding a place you can afford to live. In the meantime, give her the space she wants and get going with your own life. Now is the time to decide who you really want to be and make it happen.

 

Hope this helps!

[Headintheclouds]

@jus d'orange, thank you.

I realized this yesterday after speaking with a relative, and you have also enforced those feelings for me too.

 

I am trying to concentrate on how I felt before this all went down. I was miserable too. I wanted to leave. When it happened I feel like I was pushed and it confused me. I guess I was just holding onto safety and security and not remembering the big picture.

 

Last night I texted my ex to tell her that I would be back at the apartment early this morning. I had dreams and a gut feeling that she wouldn't be there when I arrived and she wasn't. It was early, so I know she hadn't gone out. She stayed somewhere else. Her toothbrush was gone and a few other things. So, This confirmed my suspicions to me. She hasn't actually told me there is someone else, but now I'm pretty sure there is. It hurt really bad, but somehow I didn't break down. I expected to see this, so I think I dealt with it beforehand.

 

I went about my day and tonight I talked to my ex when she got home. I didn't ask her where she was. I didn't show any emotion. I just said "let me know when you are ready to talk".

 

I told her that its obvious that she has been staying somewhere else and that is important for us to sort everything out. I said that I wanted to take care of this as quickly, smoothly and as civil as possible. I presented to her all the options as to how we should resolve our living situation, and splitting our belongings etc.

 

The whole time she just sat there with a pouty face. At one point she said "this sucks". I said I know, but we both have to go through it to move forward.

 

All in all I stayed strong. Its really hard for me right now because we haven't said anything to each other since. Its just hard being here with her in the same place. Everything seems so weird and out of place. It hurts, and I am consistently fighting the urge to show emotion.

 

If she turned around right now and said that she doesn't want this, I would jump at the opportunity to work it out. I hope she realizes the scope of her actions. I hope this hurts her down the road and she has regrets. I could see us together in a different light, and in a different place. This blows.

Edited February 20, 2012 by Headintheclouds

[jus d'orange]

About her staying somewhere else-- keep in mind she might have just gone to a friend's place to stay over and get out of a place that had strong emotional connections to you, especially if she knew you would be there in the morning. If she was staying with another guy, then keep in mind that it's A. none of your business really and B. a sign of nothing more than weakness on her part. You have to feel bad for the guy really, because he's being used.

 

Congrats on staying strong and civil. Remember that, as tempting as it may be, being emotional, begging her to take you back, etc. will only harden the end of the relationship, damage your self-respect, and make you regret how you handled things. Keep your pride about you as you handle this difficult situation.

 

You said that if she turned around and offered, you'd jump at the opportunity to get back with her. Now, hold on a minute... is that really the truth? You were unhappy and miserable, and while you could always work out the difficulties, the fact is that you'd now be faced with an almost-breakup in addition to your other concerns. You can't start a relationship at an ending point. I know exactly what you're feeling, because I have wanted my ex-girlfriend to call me up and say that she made a mistake. But you must resolve to stand up for yourself-- you don't want or deserve to be treated like that.

 

You noted that you could see yourself with her again in a different place and time. Consider that that is indeed a possibility. During the break-up, my ex and I said the same thing. If, after some time apart, the two of you decide to get back together, you will have needed to have moved on and decided together to come back. That will be a new beginning. The end of this relationship has come, and regardless of your future with her or anyone else, the best thing you can do is keep being strong and keep moving on with it. Recognize that this is also the best and most loving decision you can make for her; if she is weak and begs to have you back, you must stay strong then too. You don't really want her to be unhappy and regretful over you, you want the best for her.

 

Keep being strong and doing what you know is right. It is fine to feel the emotions privately or with friends/family, but resist the urge to fall into her arms with your sorrows. There is no comfort or benefit to that.

[Headintheclouds]

Thanks a lot for your advice. It definitely hits the point and is comforting to read.

 

Last night was the first night that I've slept at the apartment since this all went down. After out initial conversation, I spent the night sitting on the couch watching TV while she chatted with people and looked for apartments on her computer. We have a small 1 bedroom in NYC so there isn't much room to escape. We didn't say much at all to each other. It hurts to say anything honestly.

 

Neither of us is showing anger or animosity. We never have really, even throughout our relationship we never truly had any blow outs. Thats what makes this so hard. We looked at each other a few times last night and just stared. Nothing was said. It was just painful.

 

She was the one who made the final decision to pull away. As I've said, yes I felt bad about the relationship before and felt like I wanted it over at times. Right now its so hard for me to feel any of that. I haven't felt like I was going to cry in a couple days. Right now I feel like I'm going to explode. I feel like I might break down at any second when shes around. I really don't know what to do. I guess part of me still really wants a chance to work things out. The other part is trying to respect her wishes. When I see in her eyes how hard it seems for her, this makes me want to let my emotions out.

 

I know its probably the wrong thing to do. I don't want to feel weak in this situation anymore. I'm trying to be as strong as I can be. Honestly though, part of me does hope that with my strength, it weakens her. As you said, thats probably not a good thing either.

 

All in all I'm just dreading going home later. Its hard to make small talk without almost crying. Its hard to hold back the tears. I can't take much more of this or I'm going to explode.

[jus d'orange]

I know what you mean about the feeling of exploding... all of this is overwhelming, and there's not really anything any of us can do about those feelings. There is nothing wrong with letting go and crying/sobbing/yelling by yourself, but make sure you leave her out of it. It's difficult because you don't have much of a private space. Maybe if she's out of the apartment for a while and you know it, take some time to let the buildup of emotions go. Bottling won't help you keep doing the right thing.

 

I know there's a temptation to exploit the weakness in the other person. You can see that she's feeling bad like you and maybe, just maybe, if you let your guard down, she'll let her guard down and the two of you will reconcile... It just can't work that way though. The two of you broke up because the relationship is now broken, even if it's from a simple thing like she doesn't want the relationship anymore. Any attempts to get back together right now will fail, especially because in addition to any other problems, you now have a giant break-up to sow lots of doubt and distrust.

 

Try to spend as much time out of the apartment and away from her as possible. You can't go no contact yet, but you need to limit contact as much as you can. The space will give both of you time to think clearly and time to heal. If, down the road, after both of you have healed and moved on, she decides she wants to try again with you, then she'll get in touch with you. For now, you need to focus 100% of your efforts on your own healing process.

 

Best of luck... I'm going through a lot of this myself and you've got to keep everything in perspective.

[Headintheclouds]

I understand everything you are saying, and I agree with it. My thoughts are so contradicting right now that its just hard to breathe. I dread having to go back home later, yet part of me wants to see her. I just can't wait until this is all over and I can carry on with my life.

 

I've been through a few long term relationships in my life. Most of them I was super emotional at the end and got stepped on. I guess I've learned from my past mistakes. This is the first time I've tried to take this neutral route. I'm not sure which one is harder. I've never been one to internalize anything. I think in my situation is it best, unless I let it out when no one is around like you said.

 

I haven't slept well since this happened. Last night was the worst just knowing that as I slept in the bed, she was only an arms length away on the couch. I could tell she wasn't sleeping either.

 

I just need to concentrate on getting this over with. I need to move forward and like you said, just realize that its over for now. Its so hard to digest. I guess theres not much more to say.

 

How long ago did you and yours break up?

[jus d'orange]

You're right; there isn't a whole lot more to be said that what you've said.

 

And although, at the time it seems equally as difficult to carry on in a neutral way as it is to get emotional with her, you need to think what you a year from now would like to say to you now. You will feel a hell of a lot better in the coming weeks and months if you kept your self-respect and also did nothing to hurt her any more than she already is. I know this, because I did not handle my breakup (3 weeks ago today) all that well. I panicked, and I regret the damage I did to my self-esteem and self-respect, as well as the way I hurt her through my actions. Nevertheless, I'm moving on from that too-- the fear of losing her was an emotional duress I couldn't really hold myself together through at first, and I don't think I should necessarily be ashamed of that. I'm doing better now, and learning from mistakes is infinitely more important than making them (something I can see you've learned from past breakups)

 

All both of us can do is keep it together as best as we can; I'm in NC, and I again suggest you do as much as you can to minimize contact with her. Don't feel that it's necessary, either, to have a serious talk about things, because you won't be ready for that until you've been removed from the situation for a good while. Also, remember that it is healthy to embrace both the overwhelming negative emotions in a private space as well as the desire to keep going and to start smiling again.

 

One other thought... something that has really been helping me is telling myself and convincing myself that, because this has happened and I can't change the past, I must see the opportunity in all of this. Now is a great time for you to make all the changes in yourself that you've been wanting to make. That's the upside of trauma like this; it gives a great chance to remodel yourself just as you see fit.

Edited February 20, 2012 by jus d'orange

[Headintheclouds]

I go through momentary phases of "seeing the opportunity" in all of this. When I can take her out of my mind, I can see my path a bit more clearly. When I'm at the gym or on my bike (I'm an avid cyclist), I can focus a lot better.

 

Last night I got home and she wasn't there. Then the question arises in my head, what if she doesn't come home. I know its none of my business at this point, but it still hurts like hell thinking that she is probably with another guy. She did end up coming home, but still, that thought is going to be there every night for me.

 

I've found that right now, by the end of my day, I feel pretty confident. I feel like I understand why this is happening and that I can deal with it. Overall I've changed myself considerably since this started. I've been working on myself non stop and that part feels good. However, every morning when I wake up, the ill feelings come back. Especially when I see her before I leave for work. Its like it resets every day and I have to regain my focus.

 

I think there is a lot of unanswered questions between us right now. I really think it might be a good idea to sit her down and try to have a constructive conversation. I feel like our actions right now are sort of spiteful. There isn't really animosity between us, but we are both very short with each other, and cold. I feel like I need to hear her tell me that she is seeing someone. I don't have any questions about it, I just want to know if it is happening. It would help me make better sense of things. Originally I wanted to tell her that during this time we have to live together, I think it would be respectful to NOT sleep over another guy/girls place. Maybe that is wrong to say. I just dont want to hurt anymore than I do, and I'd like to leave the end of this on a good note.

 

As it sits, she is looking for apartments. Right now it is looking like April 1st before she moves out. I can't take another month of this. When shes not home, I'm fine. When shes there, I'm tempted to say or do things that I will probably regret. Maybe a talk would settle things down a little. I'm hoping it would not do the opposite.

 

Just needed to vent again...

[Thatguyintx]

I remember the days of thinking that one more conversation might help. When I was divorcing several years ago, it took a few weeks before I could find a place to move. Those few weeks were the hardest I had dealt with in my life. Here I was mere feet from the love of my life, but we were a million miles apart. The conversations at that point did not help. They wouldn't resolve anything.

 

Now, we are good friends and work very closely together to parent our kiddo. And we can have very constructive conversations today, but it took years to get here.

 

I am sorry, I feel for you. Stay the course, be as cordial as you can, but don't expect closure right now. It just won't come the way you want it to.

[Mack05]

Overall I've changed myself considerably since this started. I've been working on myself non stop and that part feels good.I think there is a lot of unanswered questions between us right now. I really think it might be a good idea to sit her down and try to have a constructive conversation

 

I think so many LS posters can really relate to you right now HITC. You are in a horrible position. Watching someone you love slipping through your fingers and there is seemingly nothing you can do about it. I know you say you are working on yourself, but you are also kidding yourself too. Real change takes time. It really does. We want to convince our partners so badly that we have changed, so that they will stay but the reality is real permanent change takes time.

 

It's horrible thing to have to do but you have to let her go. I know there is alot of unanswered questions but you have to believe me when I say this, even after you have that one final confrontation there will ALWAYS be more unanswered questions that arise. You will go over a past argument in your head and a thousand rebuttals you couldn't give at the time, will suddenly hit you. You think I should break NC to tell her this amazing new revelation, but trust me it won't make a blind bit of difference.

 

You have to let her free. There is every chance if you do, that you will eventually have that constructive conversation. More often then not these conversations are two mature people letting go and saying sorry. Closing the door and moving forward in peace with their lives. Sometimes it can be the start of a reunion. Either way space will give you both clarity. It will enable you to take a step outside the relationship and view it from a different angle.

 

I know you are full of guilt, so am I. When the emotions wear off a little you will realise that it takes two people to break up a relationship. The key thing what you are doing is focusing on your mistakes. That's great, but a relationship will only work with two willing participants. You may see things that she needs to change for the relationship to work, but if she has emotionally checked out or is unwilling to work on what you have suggested, then you have to leave go with dignity. You are doing that and you should be very proud of yourself. The point I am making is that these positive changes need to done for you. Just you. Not to convince her to comeback.

 

Let her go mate. I know you want to cling on. I really do but you have to leave her go. If in 3 or 4 months you still feel the same write her a hand written letter or Maybe arrange to meet her for a coffee. Maybe let her go completely and see if she finds her way back to you. That will be your call. The only thing I now know is that when she moves out. Give her space buddy and try avoid the big final confrontation. It normally blows up in your face and pushes them even further away..They tend to be anything BUT constructive.

Edited February 21, 2012 by Mack05

[Headintheclouds]

Thanks for the advice guys.

 

As I know I have changed in the past couple weeks, it isn't something I'm telling my ex about. I'm not going off and telling her that I've made these huge changes and I am ready for this relationship. I have simply got back to myself. I'm starting to feel the confidence and freedom that I felt before her. I'm making the time do do things that I've wanted to for awhile. I'm scheduling an appointment with a therapist (as soon as they return my call). I'm going to start taking some yoga classes. I'm spending more time in the gym, and I've bought some new items (clothes etc) that are helping me feel confident at the moment. Tonight I'm going out with friends. I'm not sitting in a corner sobbing by any means.

 

If she was out of the apartment now, I could carry on without a lot of trouble. I know myself, and I've bounced back before. Out of all the relationships I've had, this was the one that got away. I know that sounds cliche, but its the truth.

 

I guess I just wanted to have a talk with her to put things a little more at ease while we still have to live together. I'm probably looking at another month at least until this changes. I want us to be able to coexist, and not hurt each other further. I also want her to know that I would consider being with her down the road. I don't know when would be a good time to tell her that, or if I should at all. I guess the talk is probably not a good idea though. Its just that we basically aren't talking at all. Like I said, there is no anger. I think we just don't know what to say to each other. Maybe thats just the way it is and I have to accept that.

[Headintheclouds]

Today has been a rough day. Nothing particular happened. I just woke up once again and looked across the room and saw her sleeping there. I felt like just jumping in bed and snuggling up to her.

 

since this all happened I have not even laid a finger on her. Not a touch, or a hug. Maybe thats normal. Still after all this time, I have nothing to go by. All I know is that she "lost feelings for me" and pushed me away. There was no warning. There were no big blowout fights. There wasn't a time where she expressed how unhappy she was, and said that next time its over. Nothing.

 

This is why I keep going back to the feeling that I want to talk to her. If she told me there was someone else, then all this would make more sense to me. I've pretty much already accepted in my head that there is someone else. I've already gone through the feelings and the hurt. I just want a better reason why she would throw everything away, and be willing to go through the hell that we are going through now. Just because she all of a sudden doesn't feel for me anymore? WTF is that?

 

I think back mere weeks. Everything seemed fine. Sure things weren't amazing, but there were no signs. She was always really attached to me. Friends and family are confused by everything too. I guess I'm revisiting my feelings from when this breakup started.

 

I'm just venting here because I am super depressed today. Every moment we are here together I feel like we are walking on eggshells. She was never very good at expressing her feelings so I know that if I don't say anything, nothing will be said. I don't know how I can carry on like this for another month. I'm losing it.

[Numb79]

I really admire how strong everyone is on this site. Everyone is so supportive of one another...

I read somewhere in this post about having one last conversation or something of that nature? I too was dumped about 3 almost 4 weeks now and have not heard from the Ex. Will that one last conversation do anything for me? I really don't think it would. Although I would love to hear her voice..... but that would be more painful that anything. I wouldn't want to subject myself to something like that. Can anyone shed some light on why some people feel the need to have this "last conversation"?

[Sugarkane]

I feel for you you've been dumped but still living with this person. I imagine that must be very difficult! I dint know how you are still sane in this situation. I would want to rip my exes eyes out!

[Headintheclouds]

I know many of you advised against this, but I did it because I felt that it was needed. I needed some answers so things wouldn't be so uneasy as they have been. We have to be in this situation for another month.

 

So last night I talked to her. I told her that after all this time, I deserve a better answer than what she gave me. I was carrying on with the most vague answer ever.

 

She said she lost feelings over time but never knew what to say or do so she did nothing and just let it happen. She said she was sick of being so easy going when I was always miserable. It's true. I was, a lot. I feel horrible for being that way. I asked her if she was seeing someone. All she said was "kinda" and that someone is interested but she's not in a relationship with them. I dunno how to read into that.

 

I told her that makes total sense now as to how she pushed me away and she says it wasn't the whole reason. She said she pushed away because of her feelings. We got into a little argument. I told her that I hope she's making the right decision because to me this feels so wrong.

 

After that, I just told her how I was totally unhappy too and realized that I haven't been myself since we moved to the NYC. I told her that the whole time we were together all I wanted was to get back to the me I know. That's why I was so unhappy.

 

I told her that since we have been apart I feel much more confident. I am back in the gym, cycling a lot, going to yoga, and I also booked a therapist. Those are things I've needed for awhile. She sorta teared up and was happy that I was happy. I also told her that I'm not telling her this to get her back. I'm doing this for myself.

 

I asked her if she can look at all of this and see where everything went wrong. I pointed out that everything went bad when we moved to NYC, and I was miserable. The 2 years before that were amazing. I said that we became comfortable and complacent. We didn't know how to resolve things or where to start. I said that I do now. I told her that I realize every single thing and that I wish I could go back and change it.

 

I said that I'm not saying these things to get you back, but I want you to know that I would hope that there is a chance for us somewhere down the line. You are very different and special compared to anyone I've ever been with. I'll never forget the connection we have. She didn't really say anything when I said that, but her body language didn't say no either.

 

After we talked we were both obviously sad. I asked her for a hug and we did. It felt so good and hurt so bad at the same time.

 

So, I dunno what to make of this or if it was the right thing. I still don't want this to end, but I guess I have a little better idea of what's going on. I hope things will be better between us until the end.

[Thatguyintx]

What's your strategy from here?

[Headintheclouds]

Well, first and foremost we have to get through this month ahead living together.

 

I will continue on the path I'm on and concentrate on myself. I'll keep doing my best to keep the emotions at bay. I've done really well so far. Even in the conversation last night, I didn't break down. I almost cried, but overall it went pretty smooth.

 

After she leaves, I will do my best at NC. There will still be some bills etc that we may have to sort out afterwards. Overall I just want to move on from this as painless as possible. We are such good friends that it will be hard to do NC, but it probably is necessary.

 

I really hope that something can happen between us down the road. Maybe once I find someone new, those feelings will change. Who knows.

 

Ive been through long term relationships before. This is by far the hardest break up I've ever been through. It's hard for me to remember how unhappy I was with things before this happened. I know that I was, but I also didn't expect it to just end so abruptly.

[LZ2000]

I really think you did awesome, Head.

 

Please update us on how you have been coping for the next month, we would like to hear more from you.

[Headintheclouds]

What is really killing me right now is that she wants it over because she lost feelings for me due to my attitude. I wasn't a happy person when I was with her and I'm not entirely sure what to attribute it to.

 

She never gave me a warning. She never told me exactly what drove her away until last night. I'm beating myself up for it now. I don't understand how someone so seemingly attached to me can just pick up and walk away without giving me a chance to make a change.

[jus d'orange]

I asked her if she was seeing someone. All she said was "kinda" and that someone is interested but she's not in a relationship with them. I dunno how to read into that.

 

Don't worry about reading into it. You gotta focus on yourself. If she's happy from this "kinda" seeing someone, even if it's just to comfort her, then you should be glad that she's doing it. Remind yourself that you want her to be happy, not to be upset and broken from the process.

 

I told her that since we have been apart I feel much more confident. I am back in the gym, cycling a lot, going to yoga, and I also booked a therapist. Those are things I've needed for awhile. She sorta teared up and was happy that I was happy. I also told her that I'm not telling her this to get her back. I'm doing this for myself.

 

Good for you, man. I know exactly what you mean... I'd been in shape and doing fine during the relationship, but I had some emotional issues that I never quite cleared up. My ex often encouraged me to go get some therapy, but I always resisted. Ironically, I'm going to see a therapist tomorrow, now that she's gone. In addition, I'm going mainly because of the issues she and I used to talk about, not the break-up itself. I suppose, if/when she and I talk, I'll tell her these things... but like you, I wouldn't say them to get her back. Maybe someday she'll see them as signs of change in me, but then it'll still be up to her whether she wanted to rekindle things. Weird how a break-up can make you get your ass in gear...

 

I said that I'm not saying these things to get you back, but I want you to know that I would hope that there is a chance for us somewhere down the line. You are very different and special compared to anyone I've ever been with. I'll never forget the connection we have. She didn't really say anything when I said that, but her body language didn't say no either.

 

I said something very similar when we broke up. I don't know, but I imagine this stays with them. However, you've got to remember that you can't keep yourself for this girl. Keep on moving on and becoming stronger the way you are. Such a show of self-respect and ability to live successfully without her, along with what you said about keeping the future open, may mean the possibility of her looking for you again someday. Again, though, you can't count on that.

 

I think you're doing everything really well. Keep it going... and remember that, when the logical fails to keep you from despairing, it's still totally okay to let those emotions out in private or with a friend.

[jus d'orange]

What is really killing me right now is that she wants it over because she lost feelings for me due to my attitude. I wasn't a happy person when I was with her and I'm not entirely sure what to attribute it to.

 

I don't understand how someone so seemingly attached to me can just pick up and walk away without giving me a chance to make a change.

 

My ex did give me chances, and I actually was changing successfully when she ended it... because that's how she felt, I guess. Maybe she saw me changing and the thought of further commitment didn't mesh with her feelings, thus why she told me she couldn't commit until she was single for a while. Who knows... Had I not been unhappy and immature at times, would we still be together?

 

You can't beat yourself up over the past though. Remember that the decisions you HAVE made can only influence your decision making process now. You were unhappy for a reason... the relationship ended for a reason. The decision making process for these past events has come and gone, and thus you can't and shouldn't re-enter the process as if you could remake the decisions. These negative things can be solved if you dig deep and ask yourself why in a constructive way. Once you have come to an answer, set about enacting the solution.

 

Try to see her walking away as a chance to change. I know it's hard, but it's also the only way forward. Perhaps, if she had stayed, you would never have realized your unhappiness and the reasons for it. That would be far worse than the chance you have now, especially if it were much later in life when you realized all of this.

[LZ2000]

I don't understand how someone so seemingly attached to me can just pick up and walk away without giving me a chance to make a change.

 

She also didn't approached you to talk and discuss about the sudden change in you when you moved to NYC. She may be a little frightened about the sudden shift of emotions that you displayed.

 

I believe all she wanted was really someone who would "stay the same". If my guess is true (which it may not be), I could understand her point of view.

[LogicallyIllogical]

I'm in the same position as you. Me and my girlfriend were together for 4 years and she abruptly ended it through text message. First she said she needed time to think, then said she thought it wasn't working anymore, then said she hasn't been happy, then said she needs time to think again.

 

You can't beat yourself up over things you may have done. I'm only on my 5th day since the breakup, but I'm realizing that it takes two to tango. I did some things wrong and so did she, as I'm sure was the same in your relationship. She could have come right out and let you know that her feelings were slipping, just as my EX could have. If she really loved you and wanted to be with you, therapy could have been an option. I never suggested therapy. I chose to accept her needing time and if she really loves me, she'll sort this out and come back. You just have to try to accept what happened and concentrate on yourself.

 

Now, I know that concentrating on yourself is probably the hardest thing to do. You probably feel as I do: depressed, self-loathing, looking back and second guessing. You have to slowly try to stop doing those things. I've been going to the gym and talking to someone every time I feel down or miss her. Going to the gym makes me feel a bit better, as I know I will look better in time and that should overall improve my self esteem.

 

Try not to think of her and what she's doing. For instance, I know my EX is going out tomorrow night, and it's going to be hell for me. After tomorrow night, though, I won't know what she's doing and I'll be doing my best to not think of it. That will only drive you nuts. I'm trying to think of this as a chance to get to know myself again. So often in relationships, we lose ourselves and form an identity with our partner.

 

Anyway, I'm 5 days into NC. NC will likely be the only way you'll get her back. You can't force her back. If she wants you, you have to let her return to you. I'm 5 days out of a breakup of 4 years and this is the first time I've tried to give advice. You're longer into the breakup process than I am, but I'm just trying to give some support to someone else who's heart is hurting. Take it for what it is.

[Headintheclouds]

I just want to thank all that have responded here. You all have helped me cope with this more than you can imagine.

 

Tonight I went to Yoga, which is something I just started. It was really amazing and I highly suggest it for anyone in this kind of situation. I feel great, and exhausted.

 

Now I just sit in my apartment. My ex isn't home yet. I know she left work hours ago, so I have no clue where she is, or if she will come home at 4am, or even at all. This is my situation for the next month.

 

I keep picturing the day she moves out. I guess I will help her because thats the stand up thing to do. We don't really contact each other now other then the time that we see each other every night. That probably won't change.

 

I'm not going to tell her that I'm going to go NC after she leaves. I'm just going to do it. With NC, what if there is a legitimate reason that she needs to get ahold of me? I mean, there will be some unresolved bills that may linger after she's gone. I don't think the NC will phase her much anyway.

 

I've said it before but I can't wait til this is over. Its like I have to hit the reset button every morning. I go to bed feeling good about things. Then I wake up and see her in the morning, and I start thinking about everything again. Then it fades, then the cycle repeats. It sucks.