The aftermath of my breakup...

[Headintheclouds]

Today was both good and bad.

 

I found out today that they were able to rent our apartment for April 1st. That is a huge weight off my shoulders. Also, I took the apartment that I mentioned before. Its going to be a huge change. Living with others is not something I'm used to. I am looking forward and embracing what is ahead, even though I've never felt more unsettled in my life.

 

The bad part about today is that while my ex was at work, I went through the apartment and started packing stuff. I couldn't stop crying every few minutes as I packed away all the memories that came with the last 5 years. It hurt so effing bad. I haven't cried in front of her. There is still a lot to sort through. Some of which I will need her help. I really hope I can hold it together when that happens.

 

2 things that cross my mind lately.... My birthday is next week. If she gets me something, I really won't want to accept it. Also, if she doesn't say anything to me on my birthday, I'll probably be pretty mad. No matter what happens, I'm not looking forward to the outcome. The second thing I keep thinking of is what will happen on the last day when we move out and go our separate ways. I keep thinking of that final moment. Will we break down? Will we just say goodbye and walk away? Will we hug? I know all this sounds silly, but my head is filled with all sorts of crap lately. I'm literally on the verge of crying thinking about it.

 

Despite all of this, I am honestly doing very well. A few more days and I go away to see my family for a week. That will be good for me. After I come back there will only be about 10 days left. I think I'm over the hump. Its just that reality is really setting in and it hurts.

[jus d'orange]

HITC,

 

I'm glad you're still posting here in order to cope with the difficulties you face.

 

I'm sure you'll end up loving living with other people again, because it'll give you the right feeling of independence while still feeling like a "single guy" again.

 

I was lucky in that, when I packed up stuff from the relationship, there wasn't too much, because we'd always been a LDR. Still, it hurt like hell to read her love notes for the last time. But once I felt that pain, I knew it couldn't come back again.

 

On your birthday, don't care either way if she does something. If she does nothing and says nothing, just realize that you've got friends and family elsewhere that care, and it shouldn't matter that she doesn't care as much. If she does give you something or makes a point of saying happy birthday in a nice way, take it for what it is: a nice gesture. If you are graceful and respectful, regardless of outcome, you will feel better about yourself.

 

Even if you do cry when the two of you part, that's okay. Remember, she isn't an important part of your future anymore. If you cry in front of her, it is because you loved her and were truly emotionally invested -- something you should never need to be ashamed of. You can walk out of there when it's all really "done" and say, even though you will still feel pain and a sense of loss, that the next chapter has finally begun. No more limbo in your life.

 

You can do this, man. Just another few days and you can start a new life with so much opportunity and new possibility for happiness. I promise, it's right around the corner. I'm not much for faith, but you need to believe in this. It's true.

[KissingItBetter]

Exactly, move on, it's cliche but, yes move on.

 

Kissingitbetter | Facebook

[Headintheclouds]

I appreciate all that have chimed in here and helped me along. I would be in a much worse place if it wasn't for all of you.

 

This has been going on for awhile and I would love to just move on. My situation doesn't exactly allow for that but it will very soon. In the meantime I am going to continue venting here, so I hope you don't mind. I may be repeating myself in certain ways.

 

Last night the same thing happened as what happened the past 3 saturday nights. She didn't come home. I'm sort of getting used to this by now, but it eats me alive inside. I feel like at the end of this I'm going to have a lot of hard feelings. I know that within our circle of friends it will be near impossible not to run into her over the spring/summer. Ultimately, I would like to be friendly towards her, but no matter how hard I try not to, I feel a great deal of anger for how she has gone about this.

 

I feel as though all I am doing lately is acting. I hold my breath around her. I'm confident at times but also have moments of extreme sadness where I know if I said anything, I would probably break down. I wonder if she really doesn't know how I feel about all of this. As I've said before, I haven't let it all out. I haven't broke down. I ask myself what am I leaving her with. I try to think a month, or 5 months down the road. What will she remember? Will she remember me as someone who really didn't express much emotion in the end? Does that make me look like I didn't care? Or will she see that as confidence? Maybe I shouldn't care about what she thinks.

 

Last night I went out for some drinks with a different ex that I have recently started talking to again. Its kind of weird because she is the one I broke up with about 6 months before I started dating my current ex. I hadn't seen her in almost 6 years. Anyways, we had a really good time. We were both pretty flirty. I remembered how crazy I got over her when we broke up. Last night I thought about it and I could never seriously date her again. I know she is not right for me. I can't say that there wasn't some sexual tension. If I had to guess, it probably wouldn't take much for either of us to get into a sexual situation. I'm not trying to make that happen either. I just feel that if we keep hanging out in may be inevitable. But my revelation comes from the fact that now, after this long I know that I could never be with her again. I felt good hanging out as friends. I relate this to my current situation and see that maybe down the road this is how we will be.

 

A big part of my problem right now is that no matter how unhappy I was at times, I really never wanted to lose my current ex. I thought that we would have a huge breakdown and would be able to work it out. Instead we had that breakdown, and it ended in a breakup. I guess the reason this forum exists at all is because of all of us that weren't prepared for the end.

Edited March 11, 2012 by Headintheclouds

[Headintheclouds]

I've reached an all time low today.

 

I'm currently packing up a rental car to drive 6 hrs away to see my family. A trip we were both supposed to be going on. I'm bringing my cat who I am leaving with my mom so I can move into my new apartment. The car is packed full of stuff that I can't fit in my new place.

 

Tearing through everything is destroying me right now. I can't stop crying. I feel so ****ty. I saw my ex this morning when we woke up. Between her and I staying out the past few nights, its been almost 3 days since I saw her. We barely said anything to each other. It felt so awkward and distant.

 

I really don't know what to expect once this is over. Other than the few times we see each other in the apartment, there is literally no contact between us already. My plan is not to contact her after we finally move.

 

I miss her beyond words. I'm over here playing this hard guy around her but as soon as she leaves I'm a wreck. I was out with some mutual friends last night who all expressed their surprise about the breakup. They couldn't believe she is doing what she is doing. I still can't either.

 

Although I've made some great strides, the closer this gets to finality, the worse I seem to get. I am literally losing everything right now. Every single thing that I love is going away. My apartment, my cat, my girl. Yea, I'm feeling sorry for myself. Its hard not to. Someone tell me how not to.

[FearfulFuture]

HITC it has been a while since i have posted on your thread (on any thread actually) but i do like to check in and read every so often. Im so sorry to hear that things are not feeling much better regarding your situation. As you know im in that exact same boat with you as i am still (4 weeks on) having to sort out things with my ex regarding the 'living together' situation.

 

I am feeling stronger which surprises me as i was sure i would be feeling worse as the inevitable moving out stage approached. I went away for the weekend and when i returned my ex had moved pretty much everything out, i knew this was happening but nothing prepares a man for that shock when you walk into a half empty apartment, its as if she was never here. She officially still is until the end of the month but has already found herself an apartment and has been there since the weekend so i only have to tie up a few loose ends with her then im totally going NC. This was when i started to feel a little more human and in control, knowing the worst was out the way, let the healing commence.

 

It is important to add that since i have been reading peoples advice on LS i believe i have made the right moves, apart from one explosive argument, a few tears (no pleading) and a very tactful 'do you want me to fight for it?' All of which didn't help but i don't beat myself up too much over it as it was only minimal and i hope it wasn't to damaging to my pride, also the question of fighting for it when answered with a 'no' cemented that i can do no more and whatever happens in the future i can have no regrets and know that i tried. The best thing about living with someone at the end is the fact that all these questions, thoughts and ideas that enter into your head throughout the weeks can be carefully expressed to your ex without having to initiate contact or any sort of meet as you will see each other occasionally and i found this helped me accept things (feel like i have tried it all but in a more controlled/cool manner which is better than a breakup where these thoughts haunt your mind until you initiate a 'final talk' and end up with even more heartache). I hope that made sense.

 

So now i am practically free, living independently and able to cut contact for the first time (in a week or two anyway) and i feel better for it, i believe this is when you will start to get stronger so remember that. Don't get me wrong, its not ideal and certainly not how i wanted things not to mention incredibly lonely but fill as much time as possible with friends and family, nights out and hobbies and get used to taking care of yourself again. Initiate no contact with the ex and get busy living, this is the only way if there is any chance of reconciliation down the road that you will get it. That is my motivation and although maybe frowned upon it gives me comfort until such a time i hope not to care anymore. Again take advantage of the s**ty situation that your in, if there are any unanswered questions ask them, not in a needy 'im not over you way' but make the most of the fact that you have the opportunity to talk and get closure even if its just a couple 5 minute 'clear up' chats like i did, that is one advantage we have living with an ex and it certainly helped me.

 

I know this is long and i am sorry but i am feeling positive at the moment and if i can pass that positivity on i hope i can help in some small way. This is not to say that tomorrow will be the same because as we all no that wave of negativity could come rushing back and bring us down, you just have to get on and ride it until more positive waters arrive and know that they will. I hope things get better for you soon, don't hesitate if you have any questions.

[Headintheclouds]

@flourescent, I may be retarded because I can't figure out where to PM you. Either way thank you for your input in this thread. I latched on to many of your words

 

 

 

I was much better a week ago. The past few days have been hell for me. I don't know why but I have felt more emotion and cried more than ever. It sucks.

 

As I've said many times, I haven't gotten crazy emotional in front of her, or cried. Part of me feels that maybe thats what she wanted from me since this started. Like she was pulling back to see how I reacted. I reacted with strength even though I wanted to break down. When I talk to her or email her it is very clear cut and dry. She reciprocates the same.

 

I just want to know that I am doing this right. As it gets nearer to the very end, I am feeling so much inside. I miss her more than anything. I want her to know how strongly I felt and how I really didn't want this to happen. I want her to take away those feelings. I feel as I may have held in too much. Or maybe I'm just telling myself this. Either way I feel horrible.

[Chi townD]

Today was both good and bad.

 

 

I keep thinking of that final moment. Will we break down? Will we just say goodbye and walk away? Will we hug? I know all this sounds silly, but my head is filled with all sorts of crap lately. I'm literally on the verge of crying thinking about it.

 

 

Dude, who cares what the final moment will be because you know damn well she doesn't give a crap! As soon as you pack up that last bag and toss the key on the counter, I wouldn't say a word and out the door. What's there to say? She dumped you for another guy. You can say she "technically" didn't cheat. But that fact of the matter is, SHE DID!!! She broke up with you and IMMEDIATELY got with him. You don't do that on a whim! And she dances around "well we're not in a relationship!" Yeah I call BS on that one. No, she's not in a relationship with him, she's just screwing him....grrr.. What! Does she think you're stupid when she doesn't come home? Does she think that you actually think her and him stay up all night playing scrabble?

 

This chick has no morals and no heart. She is torturing you and she could give a rats ass. Just as long as she satisified and happy; screw everyone else. She see's your hurting and her blaise answers is, "oh well! Sucks to be you! I deal with stuff differently!" I honestly don't know how you're doing it. I really don't.

 

YOU OWE HER NOTHING! She isn't worth the tears you spilled for her. She isn't worth a hug at the end. She isn't worth a second look as you walk out the door. I honestly mean that.

 

And the crappy part about this is this isn't the last time you'll hear from her. I speculate she'll make contact with you on some trival crap weeks or months down the road! I see it clear as day! Therefore, you better not leave her a forwarding address. Make sure you take care of all the post office crap well before-hand.

 

Damn....your thread got me soooo spun up! grrr.....

Edited March 15, 2012 by Chi townD

[Headintheclouds]

Haha sorry man...

 

I've gone back and forth in this thread trying to figure out if what I'm doing is wrong or right, or how I should be acting in this situation. I know its over and nothing I say or do will change it.

 

I just want to look back and know I did everything the way I should have. Believe me I have so much anger built up but thats not how I want her to remember me. I want her to walk away and look back and know that she left a really amazing person who would have done anything for her. Part of me does want her to regret, and I'm not afraid to admit that.

[Chi townD]

Haha sorry man...

 

I've gone back and forth in this thread trying to figure out if what I'm doing is wrong or right, or how I should be acting in this situation. I know its over and nothing I say or do will change it.

 

I just want to look back and know I did everything the way I should have. Believe me I have so much anger built up but thats not how I want her to remember me. I want her to walk away and look back and know that she left a really amazing person who would have done anything for her. Part of me does want her to regret, and I'm not afraid to admit that.

 

 

SCREW HER!!!!!! Opps...sorry, still spun up. She's going to realize that, just not right now. Look you're a nice guy and chances are this other douche rocket has this "bad boy" persona. Well, if he has a rep for being a "bad boy" logic will only dictate that sooner or later he's going to start treating her BADLY!!! And that's what has me worried, because even if you walk out that door and not say a word to her. She's going to remember the time she spent with you prior to the douche rocket and all the good times that you two had and THAT'S when she's going to contact you again!

 

Also, if you walk out the door without even "kiss my ass" from you, that might eat away at her. Maybe even make her think of the way she treats people. (doubt it because the chick has no heart). Sorry, I know she was your girl and you had good times with her but....DAMN!

[jus d'orange]

There seems to be a lot of angry posting on these forums nowadays.

 

HITC, you have been doing this right. You cannot tell her how to live, how to treat you, or how she should handle the end of the relationship. All that you're in charge of here is yourself. Carry on with the outward strength balanced with the healthy release of emotions.

 

If it's true that she's not a good person / doesn't have a heart (which I think is ridiculous-- you were with her for years), or at the very least that she has hurt you by ending the relationship, then you are only on to better thing in your life. When you look back on this time, you'll be so glad that you were so mature and held it together when faced with a nightmare.

 

I came to the realization that a breakup is a great time to form new habits, because everything is so shook up. Congratulations: rather than forming habits of anger and resentment, you are forming habits of dealing with your emotions healthily, being forgiving and understanding, keeping a positive mindset, and holding it together with great maturity. All the other stuff you've done-- self improvement things-- will become good habits, too.

 

Ned any more convincing? Above all, focus energy on learning to be happy. That's a good habit that really hardens through a breakup. If you can smile through such pain and loss, you're a strong person.

[Chi townD]

Nope! I don't think it's ridiculous! The woman doesn't have a heart because of the way she has treated him with such disregard at the end is heartless.

[Mack05]

There seems to be a lot of angry posting on these forums nowadays.

 

HITC, you have been doing this right. You cannot tell her how to live, how to treat you, or how she should handle the end of the relationship. All that you're in charge of here is yourself. Carry on with the outward strength balanced with the healthy release of emotions.

 

If it's true that she's not a good person / doesn't have a heart (which I think is ridiculous-- you were with her for years), or at the very least that she has hurt you by ending the relationship, then you are only on to better thing in your life. When you look back on this time, you'll be so glad that you were so mature and held it together when faced with a nightmare.

 

I came to the realization that a breakup is a great time to form new habits, because everything is so shook up. Congratulations: rather than forming habits of anger and resentment, you are forming habits of dealing with your emotions healthily, being forgiving and understanding, keeping a positive mindset, and holding it together with great maturity. All the other stuff you've done-- self improvement things-- will become good habits, too.

 

Need any more convincing? Above all, focus energy on learning to be happy. That's a good habit that really hardens through a breakup. If you can smile through such pain and loss, you're a strong person.

 

Great post. For such a young guy you have a very mature attitude to life. I agree her behaviour is cruel, but I don't think she is a heartless person. I am sure there are reasons behind for her behaviour, which I won't even hazzard a guess at. The key thing is to do what jus orange said. You can't be accountable for an ex's behaviour. Many times you won't understand an ex's behaviour. The key is not to focus on her and her behaviours.

 

How you handle yourself under this kind of emotional strain (in my opinion) determines how you grow as a person in the future. People that behave with dignity and class, when faced with this kind of adversity are the people that will go on to have REALLY successfull relationships with partners, family and friends.

[Headintheclouds]

Jus, thanks again. I have been trying hard but my anger seems to be getting the best of me as this wraps up.

 

Just now she texted me to ask me how the cat is adjusting to my moms place. I said "he's fine. I'm not." Then she said "I'm sorry". I said "no your not." She followed up with "wtf seriously?". I said nothing. Then she sent another text saying "you will always be my friend and I understand you being upset with me, but I had to do what was right for me. I was not happy and I was OK with that for too long. I am sorry for hurting you".

 

I haven't responded nor do I plan to. I still am in shock. I really hope this changes at the end of the month when we finally move on. It seems to be getting even harder for me day by day.

 

I feel like she just gave up on me. The feeling of rejection eats me alive. I hate to admit this, but even from the start I felt "above" her. Its hard to explain. I think that showed in how I treated her. I'm not saying that I was an a**hole to her. I just didn't always respond to her the way I should have. I feel if I did then things would not be this way now. That kills me.

[Chi townD]

Wow, loved how she put in you into the friend catagory. And isn't it surprising that, that text was all about her? I'm gonna go puke now.

[Headintheclouds]

Yea pretty sweet huh?

 

Its so messed up. Last July I went to California for 3 weeks for work. I remember barely missing her at all. I talked to her every night and most of the time didn't feel like speaking very long.

 

I remember a conversation we had a few months back where I told her that it felt like I was living with my sister or a roommate. Thats what our relationship had become. There was nothing but the friends part. I knew it. I felt it. I hated it and I don't know what to do about it. I wanted to break up but part of me just let it be.

 

Maybe this is just the universes way of pushing me into the inevitable. I wasn't making any decision, but now I have no choice. She took the power position and ended it. I wonder how I would have felt if I ended it?

 

My confusion likes in the fact that I can't remember what I felt before. I remember the times that I had these feelings, but the feeling isn't there now. I think its all part of my reaction to her pushing me away. How can I just get over that? I wish I could just feel in my heart how crappy I felt before this went down.

[jus d'orange]

Unfortunately, you are still in enough contact with her to feel the pain of rejection.

 

When this is over and you can heal without her reopening the wounds, you will begin to see and feel why you are glad it is over.

 

In addition, because you weren't the one to end it, you don't really have to feel the guilt. The blame is always shared, but I often hear of the guilt of the dumper.

[Headintheclouds]

You are probably right Jus. Once the contact is over I will probably feel much better. 15 more days...

 

As to her last text yesterday: "you will always be my friend and I understand you being upset with me, but I had to do what was right for me. I was not happy and I was OK with that for too long. I am sorry for hurting you".

 

I never responded yesterday, but woke up this morning wishing I had wrote back "I was not happy for a long time either but I never would have GIVEN UP on you like you did to me."

 

Its probably pointless anyway...

[Chi townD]

You are probably right Jus. Once the contact is over I will probably feel much better. 15 more days...

 

As to her last text yesterday: "you will always be my friend and I understand you being upset with me, but I had to do what was right for me. I was not happy and I was OK with that for too long. I am sorry for hurting you".

 

I never responded yesterday, but woke up this morning wishing I had wrote back "I was not happy for a long time either but I never would have GIVEN UP on you like you did to me."

 

Its probably pointless anyway...

Yep! Pretty pointless considering that she doesn't care. She may have told you that she's sorry she hurt you, but she's not going to change anything.

 

Silence should be your goal now. You need to start detaching yourself from her. That little "dig" that you sent her does nothing for her except piss her off and it will be easier to justify in her head that she did the right thing to dump you because you're being such an ass. If you are silent and indifferent she MIGHT start asking herself questions in her head like, "Wow, did I hurt him that bad? Does he hate me that much? Will he ever talk to me again? Will we ever be able to be friends in the future? Does he even care? Will he miss me? Him and I weren't happy. Does he realize that this is for the best? IS it for the best?" Your silence might force her to take stock in her behavior and make her feel guilty for the way she treats people.

 

But if you start acting like a douche rocket she'll think my new guy is WAY better that this dude. I'm happy to be rid of him. I mean, my God she texted you to see if the CAT was adjusting well. It's a frickin cat!! SHE HAD MORE CONCERN FOR THE CAT THAN FOR YOU!!! Some people might think that I'm wrong for thinking she doesn't have a heart, that text just re-enforces my belief that this girl is heartless.

Edited March 16, 2012 by Chi townD

[Headintheclouds]

Well, she didn't used to be heartless but since this all started, she definitely has been. I feel at this point as she is so far gone. I try not to care but it's not possible.

 

I am not going to respond to anything from her for now, but in a few days I will have to go home and I will have to face her again. At that point I will have less than 2 weeks to deal with her. I just want to do the right thing from here on out. I have no trouble not contacting her and ignoring emails and texts if I have to. It's how I act when I'm face to face with her that is the hardest. I can't go full NC until the end of the month. Until then I guess I will just be as short as possible with her.

[Headintheclouds]

Yup...I'm still here...

 

All I can say right now is that this week has sucked. I came home (upstate NY) to see my family and old friends. The thing is, this is her hometown too. Everything and everyone here reminded me of her. I barely got to do anything and spent a lot of time thinking of the situation. I feel like crap. Today is my birthday and its sucked so far.

 

Tomorrow I will go back to NYC. As of now, I know she is in DC for something...probably with the guy she is seeing. I just don't want to face her anymore. This has been so painful to me and it kills me when I see her. Its like it doesn't phase her.

 

I don't understand why I feel 10 times worse than I did a couple weeks ago. I dream about her every night. I miss her still so badly. A part of me is still in denial. The only way I'll be able to move on is NC. The thing is, I probably won't have to worry about her contacting me. I really don't think she will. She is the kind of person that could walk away and never look back.

 

The waves of emotion have brought me both pain and enlightenment. At times I feel like it couldn't be worse, and then something makes me feel good again. I got the Sh*t end of the stick in all of this. My struggle comes with watching her move on seemingly scott free. When someone that seemed so attached to you slams the door in your face, it seems impossible to accept.