Friends but wanting more

[fs9966]

I'm having some problems dealing with issues in my relationship with this amazing girl that I'm in love with in a long-distance relationship (actually only 150 miles apart). We were introduced by a mutual friend 4 months ago and instantly hit it off. The only problem was that our "friend" lied to us. I was looking for someone to start a serious relationship with and she wasn't. The common friend lied to the both of us and manipulated us to think that we were both looking for the same thing. Things were going so well between us and we immediately forged a great bond. When I tried to get more serious though, she didn't want that and we realized that we had been lied to. She came into the relationship looking for a friend and I was looking for a significant other. She told me that she wasn't ready for anything serious just yet.

 

Inspite of the deception we've continued our friendship. And my feelings for her just got stronger to the point where I realized I'm in love with her.

 

When I decide to tell her this though; she told me that she thinks I'm wonderful and she knows that we would be happy together and that she knows I would "deny her nothing". However, she is still in love with her last boyfriend who dumped her over 3 years ago and can't get over him. He has completely moved on (in fact he moved to another continent) but she can't forget him. So she says that for her to be with me would just be a case her compromising to be happy. She says that only time that she will able to fall in love with someone new and think about a future is when she knows that he is married and happy. She still holds out hope that he might one day come back to her and tell her that he loves her. She feels that if she moves on first the question of "what if" will eat her up alive. So she says that it would be mistake for us to be together while she's still in love with the other guy.

 

I know that this is completely unhealthy for her and that she needs to move on with her life and I want to help her through it.

 

But I keep on wanting more than just a best friend, which is what she has become. She has told me a number of times that "she's never met anyone like me" or that "she's so lucky to have found someone like me" or that I "am a truly golden person".

 

She calls me almost everyday and we talk for hours and we see each other every couple of weeks. Its not as if my expressing my feelings to her has affected our bond. It seems to be getting even stronger but I wonder what I should do.

 

I'm absolutely crazy about her; she has a way of making me feel important and special. I've never met anyone like her before but I'm afraid that even with time she might decide that she doesn't love me and I'll be heartbroken and shattered.

 

But I'm also afraid to let go and lose my best friend and the person I trust the most in the world.

 

I could use all the advice I can get.

[Tony T]

It seems the only thing you can do is search for her ex, find him a bride, get them happily married really quick, and then you will be set with this girl.

 

Frankly, I think she is a fruit cake. There is something seriously wrong with anyone who is three years out of a relationship, still not over it enough to get serious with someone, and who has stipulated that she cannot get into another serious relationship until this ex is married and happy. She also is waiting for the possibility of him coming back to her. Wow, how secure could you possibly be in a relationship with her, knowing she would drop you like a hot potato if her ex Romeo came back for his Juliet. I think she is giving you a line.

 

Let me tell you something about people. I don't care how much they are hung up on somebody, if someone else comes along they are really fired up about, they go for it if there is no committment.

 

You are barking up the wrong tree with this girl and living a lie. You cannot be with her as a friend when you are really there for a lot more. Stop seeing her so much and find a lady that's got a bit more rational head on her shoulders. This girl's several tacos short of a combination platter.

 

You may be absolutely crazy about her...but she is ABSOLUTELY CRAZY!!!

[Deejette]

I don't like the fact that she calls you every day and you talk for hours. She is just leading you on and it is cruel. It is probably flattering to her ego to have you be so head-over-heels in love with her. She is not being on the level.

 

It is stupid for her to hold out for a dream that the ex might come back to her. That is not a good situation for your own sense of self-worth. She is toying with you.

It seems the only thing you can do is search for her ex, find him a bride, get them happily married really quick, and then you will be set with this girl. Frankly, I think she is a fruit cake. There is something seriously wrong with anyone who is three years out of a relationship, still not over it enough to get serious with someone, and who has stipulated that she cannot get into another serious relationship until this ex is married and happy. She also is waiting for the possibility of him coming back to her. Wow, how secure could you possibly be in a relationship with her, knowing she would drop you like a hot potato if her ex Romeo came back for his Juliet. I think she is giving you a line. Let me tell you something about people. I don't care how much they are hung up on somebody, if someone else comes along they are really fired up about, they go for it if there is no committment.

 

You are barking up the wrong tree with this girl and living a lie. You cannot be with her as a friend when you are really there for a lot more. Stop seeing her so much and find a lady that's got a bit more rational head on her shoulders. This girl's several tacos short of a combination platter. You may be absolutely crazy about her...but she is ABSOLUTELY CRAZY!!!

[Robert]

I don't believe she is toying with you.

 

When I was young I had a very strong sense of loyalty to those who were dear to me.

 

I have met sick people who have a warped sense of holding on. Lets just assume this is not the case here. Instead lets deal with her at face value instead of judging from a distance.

 

What she does not seem to realize is that true love never seeks to possess the other. It only seeks their happiness. This, of course, does not mean being a slave to the beloved and doing anything they demand or wish.

 

I do believe she has a sincere love for this guy. This is a good sign that she is a faithful person. Rather than try to make her lose her sense of faithfullness, try to help her realize that she isn't the only source of joy for a healthy person. That he has to be allowed to go his way. She can still wish him well while not being at his beck and call should he wonder hack her way. If fact, this attitude would reflect a good it more maturity.