cowgirl Posted June 4, 2004 Share Posted June 4, 2004 Ok! I met a guy a couple of years ago through a dear friend of mine that Ive known for years. This guy and I hooked up when we met twice back than and at the time we were both still having our fun so it didn't bother me that I didn't see him again. Last weekend whilst shopping I ran into him and he asked me out. I said yes, it was good to see him again and I didnt see it as a date at all, just a couple of mates catching up after a while. The night went really well, for a beer, dinner than back to his house and we talked for ages. There was no way I was going to let anything happen sexually and it didn't. That's not what I want anymore from a guy. We spoke of doing things in the future and spending time together so I sensed that he wanted to get to know me better this time without jumping into bed and seeya later like the past. He asked me to go out with him again and I said I would. I wasnt sure when I could go out with him again this week as I was very busy with work etc so I said Id let him know when I could and I sent him a text to let him know I could go out tonight. He said he'd call the end of the week to work out times etc. I should know that when a man say's he'll call it's usually when he's dead. Anyway, talking to my sister in law yesterday about this guy and she told me a few things that really pissed me off. Its probably a good thing he didn't call last night as I would have yelled down the phone. A couple of weeks ago my sister in law and some friends went away for a girls weekend and he was there. Apparently he hung around one of the girls she was with a fair bit and had gone up there for the weekend because of this girl. Since that weekend he has been texting her and calling her a bit. My sister in law is not sure if he still is. By the sound of it this girl isnt that interested but I can't be sure on that either. When we went out the other night he mentioned that he went away on that weekend. He mentioned he met my sister in law and that she had a friend with her on the weekend away. That was all he told me. My problem is now before I go out again with him is should I ask him about this girl or do I let it go for now and just suss him out a bit more to see if he is serious about me. I don't want to confront him by sounding as if Im accusing him of anything. I do want to ask what the situation is with this girl. I hate a liar and I won't put up with it. Im not upset being told this about him but Im very bloody angry with him. I don't understand why he spoke of doing things with me in the future if he still want's to play the field. If that's what he wants than he's free to do it. I have a really big issue with trusting men now after being lied to time and time again and hearing this has just thrown all my trust out the door again and makes it so much harder to believe anything he said when we first went out. When he asked me out the first time last week I instantly asked myself why and what motives he may have for asking me out. Anyway, if anyone can advise me on how to approach the subject of this girl to him without sounding like Im accusing him of anything just yet. I feel I have to give him the benefit of the doubt first but to be very honest I really don't want to go out with him again after hearing this. That's my gut instinct and I always stick to my gut instinct and it's always turned out to be right when I do. Thanks for listening and any advice would be greatly appreciated. Cheers Link to post Share on other sites
Debster Posted June 4, 2004 Share Posted June 4, 2004 You've been on two dates. You have not had the exclusive talk yet. He is free (as are you) to date others until you are exclusive. Granted you can be upset about it but you should not say anything to him about it unless you want to pull the exclusivity card out. I think it is a bit too soon for that though. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cowgirl Posted June 4, 2004 Author Share Posted June 4, 2004 Yeh! We haven't had that exclusive talk yet and I had no intention of that until I seen how we went with hanging out every now and than. Im not even sure I want that talk with him if it came to that in the future at all especially if he's still texting this other girl. I heard a bit about this guy when I first met him and I didn't like what I heard than so I think Im going to let it be and not worry about what I heard yesterday or a second date with him. Thanks Anyway Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyIam Posted June 4, 2004 Share Posted June 4, 2004 I don't understand what your expectations are. Don't tell me you are honestely thinking he should have told you about that girl, that weekend etc. It was only your first date. Men don't tell, have trouble confiding, don't just open up! I think it must be hard on you with your being lied to, but it makes no sense in seeing a cheater in every single man you happen to go out with! So relax! there are 2 sides to every story and more importantly, trust your instinct! I'm not saying you shouldn't ask stuff about him, just think of everybody's ulterior reasons, way of acting etc! Are you sure you're ready to be dating, yet? Link to post Share on other sites
Author cowgirl Posted June 5, 2004 Author Share Posted June 5, 2004 Of course he wasn't going to tell me about this other girl. Im sure he's not that stupid as it would have blew his chance with me. I didn't picture us walking down the aisle after only one date. It is very hard to trust a man again after what Ive put up with and gone through these last few years. That's my only problem, if I don't have trust than I havent got anything. He hasn't phoned to go to the movies so there you go. I got rid of his number so Im not calling him anytime soon. If he does call than I'll listen but I will be mentioning this other girl as its bothered me too much since finding out. Link to post Share on other sites
DerangedAngel Posted June 5, 2004 Share Posted June 5, 2004 Of course he wasn't going to tell me about this other girl. Im sure he's not that stupid as it would have blew his chance with me. Uh, why? He can do whatever he wants until you are exclusive. You're being a little silly, I think. Here; Yeh! We haven't had that exclusive talk yet and I had no intention of that until I seen how we went with hanging out every now and than. Im not even sure I want that talk with him if it came to that in the future at all especially if he's still texting this other girl. Dating someone exclusively means that you're seriously involved with only that person. If that talk came up, he wouldn't be texting the other girl. But until it does, he can do whatever he wants, as I said above. It is very hard to trust a man again after what Ive put up with and gone through these last few years. That's my only problem, if I don't have trust than I havent got anything. So far he hasn't done anything to lose your trust. If your trust has to be gained and not freely given from the beginning, then, he hasn't done anything to keep himself from earning it either. He hasn't phoned to go to the movies so there you go. I got rid of his number so Im not calling him anytime soon. Sorry he didn't call. Are you sure he was supposed to call today? It's fine for you to not call him, if you don't want to. If he does call than I'll listen but I will be mentioning this other girl as its bothered me too much since finding out. That would be extremely rude of you. It's none of your business that he's talking to another girl. You've been on one date. He doesn't belong to you now. There must be some underlying issues for you to even feel anything like this. Cheers. -Deranged Link to post Share on other sites
sportsloving Posted June 5, 2004 Share Posted June 5, 2004 Of course he wasn't going to tell me about this other girl. Im sure he's not that stupid as it would have blew his chance with me How would it blow his chances with you? He has every right to do what he wants, you two are not in a relationship so he doesn't have to tell you anything about what he does/has been doing. It is very hard to trust a man again after what Ive put up with and gone through these last few years. That's my only problem, if I don't have trust than I havent got anything. He isn't the guys in your past. He is just him, you can not hold everything every man has ever done to you against him. If you want to do that, then I would suggest not dating at all ... no one is wanting to carry the cross for all your previous relationships. He hasn't phoned to go to the movies so there you go. And you didn't call him, so now you are both even. I got rid of his number so Im not calling him anytime soon. Sounds like a game plan. A game. Why wouldn't you have called him? What exactly did he do that has made you so upset that you would get rid of his phone number? If he does call than I'll listen but I will be mentioning this other girl as its bothered me too much since finding out I think you are going about this all wrong, but that is just my humble opinion. Why should he tell you about the other girl ... ESPECIALLY if they aren't dating, seeing each other or even talking anymore? Your informant isn't even sure if the communication is still going on. If he was or is in a relationship, then sure he should tell you ... but you don't even know because you are listening to others and judging him based on what they are saying. Since that weekend he has been texting her and calling her a bit. My sister in law is not sure if he still is. By the sound of it this girl isnt that interested but I can't be sure on that either. What if they are only good friends? Are you seriously going to persecute him because of hearsay? You are sure tied up a lot over one date. And now you are thinking of refusing a second date because of things you have heard that happened BEFORE you. He isn't tied to you, you aren't in a relationship ... he hasn't cheated on you, he isn't doing anything to be given the reaction you are giving. If you aren't interested in him, that is one thing. It is a whole other thing to start accusing and degrading him over something you only have half the facts to begin with. Take a step back and seriously look at the whole picture. If you still feel the same, then it would be best to not even consider seeing him again. But it does sound like you are sure upset over a whole lot of nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyIam Posted June 5, 2004 Share Posted June 5, 2004 You are taking it soooo personally! I mean another girl... so what? Take it like a challenge! So you know he may have someone else on his mind. He called you, he went out with you! Actions speak louder than words! Plus you don't know the whole story! If this sorty is really eating you up inside, you can do like this: have the patience to talk him face to face about this. Tell him you undestand it's stupid, but your sister in law made this balst and told you in your face about this other woman and it made you feel uncomfortable. So maybe he could clear this up for you, if he's comfortable with it!!! About not calling! I know this. I've done it. Three times with my current bf! Erased all! It's very funny now that I think of it! In my oppinion, the secret is not to treat this with the outmost importance. It is not the most important thing on Earth, won't change your life forever, he represents only the way to spend some fine 2 or three hours together! so chill! Try and have fun out of dating, don't turn it into an unnecessary source of stress! Relax ! Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyIam Posted June 5, 2004 Share Posted June 5, 2004 Plus, this is exactly the type of attitude men fear most! Even hate! You're blowing things with your attitude! You haven't even started dating he doesn't live up to your standards... So at least try and hide your insecurities better. Like handle then, analyse them logically and don't act upon them. These are your own demons to fight with, your past, your bad experiences. Don't turn this on him! Cheers, Curly Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted June 5, 2004 Share Posted June 5, 2004 I have a friend like you. Goes out with a guy once and then freaks when he doesn't immediately consider her his one-and-only. Girl, you need an attitude shift bigtime. Your anger is completely unreasonable. If you want to be someone who is a fit mate for someone, cultivate the art of being reasonable. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cowgirl Posted June 5, 2004 Author Share Posted June 5, 2004 I agree with you all that Im making a mountain out of a molehill with this. I spoke to my girlfriends yesterday about this and they pretty much said the same thing. I am really upset because when I met him a couple of years ago he DID have a girlfriend he somewhat forgot to tell me about. He is free to see anyone as am I. I woke up with a somewhat different attitude this morning. If he doesn't call, he doesn't call & so be it. People handle different situations in different ways. Im the first to admit its silly stressing over something that may not have really happened but thats me. Ive got to work on it. I don't have any feelings for this guy except friendship so what am I bothered over his contacting this girl for. Maybe I do care somewhat and afraid to deny it. I may go out with him sometime again if I run into him but for the moment I don't want to. Thank You all for your opinions etc. They've helped me alot. IM HAPPY AGAIN!! Cheers COWGIRL Link to post Share on other sites
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