jk35058 Posted February 19, 2012 Share Posted February 19, 2012 (edited) We have tried marriage consoling, one on one consoling. My wife thinks we should get a divorce..... I don't know what to do. I have never felt so hurt in my life.... I thought things were moving in the right direction.... Edited February 19, 2012 by jk35058 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 19, 2012 Share Posted February 19, 2012 Welcome to LS. How long did you try counseling for? Children? Your ages? Length of marriage? If you had to describe the central issue of your marital discord, what would you say it is? Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted February 19, 2012 Share Posted February 19, 2012 JK, most people need more info.Anyways, my sympathies for you if this is something you don't want. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jk35058 Posted February 19, 2012 Author Share Posted February 19, 2012 Welcome to LS. How long did you try counseling for? Children? Your ages? Length of marriage? If you had to describe the central issue of your marital discord, what would you say it is? I'm going to give you more information.. I'm 27 and my wife will be 27 the 26th of this month. We have been married for over 3 years in total. I Have one 3 year old son. We have known each other since 2004. We lived together before we got married about 2 or 3 years prior of marriage. Our marriage has been a rough one. Fighting and arguing escalated and I had a suicide attempt over a year ago then We started to see a marriage counselor and personal. Fighting was Still a problem and Decided to separate about a year ago. We both agreed to both see a counselor. in the time of this separation. Just recently we started to see counselors again. It's been about 4-5 sessions each of us has gone through already... And now she thinks that i'm not going to change and things are going to be worse then before. I Don't understand this because I believed that thing were moving in the right direction and that we were going to be back living with each other. I have personally Have been on High dose of antidepressants and Decided that I no longer want to be on them and I winged myself off the medications and i'm doing far much better then when i was on them. No more suicidal thoughts and I have more of a social life in communicating with people as well as not felling as depressed. I am more stable then when i was living together with her. Been off the medications for a good 3 months now.... Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 What is being said with the therapist? Are you both also seeing individual therapists along with the couples? 4-5 sessions is not enough time to gauge how things are going so explain to her that you believe this marriage is worth fighting for and you'd like her to continue going with you. She may be checked out though and have a want to end things. What are you fighting about? Is it something that can't be resolved? Link to post Share on other sites
Author jk35058 Posted March 3, 2012 Author Share Posted March 3, 2012 What is being said with the therapist? Are you both also seeing individual therapists along with the couples? 4-5 sessions is not enough time to gauge how things are going so explain to her that you believe this marriage is worth fighting for and you'd like her to continue going with you. She may be checked out though and have a want to end things. What are you fighting about? Is it something that can't be resolved? Basically, The therapist is helping me with the issues that I have. how to cope with depression and financial management and Just many unique Life changing skills. So Far I have been depression free. I manage my anger much better. And I am learning and putting some effort into how i manage my money responsibly. I been having problems with spending and not paying debt off that i have acquired. I'm trying to apply these changes within myself and she won't let me. Now she is very distant in communicating with me and we live separate like 200 plus miles apart. She claims she wants "space" and Will turn her phone volume off and iqnore me when i try to text or call. She tells me she wants to be friends and seems like she wants to pretend that there's no love and feelings. I don't get it. She used to call and text me everyday before a couple weeks ago. I wrote her a letter and emailed it to her because shes just leaving me in the dark. She won't tell me what she wants, how she feels, nothing. the ball is in her court.... We are not seeing couple therapist. Just seeing individual therapists. Also, she mentioned that she wants a "legal separation" and I don't see the Logic in that? We keep our distance. I don't know, I'm almost to the point of giving up on her. I need someone to love and love me for who i am and not hold grudges against me. leave the negative in the past and move forward and live for today. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted March 3, 2012 Share Posted March 3, 2012 180 on her. Stop the calls and texts for now. She's going to need some time to process this. It sounds like she has some very cold feet and IC for her might be helping her continue that. The more desperate you look to reconcile at this time, the more she is going to think you have not actually changed, but have just changed long enough to move back in. I can imagine how frustrating that must feel. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jk35058 Posted March 4, 2012 Author Share Posted March 4, 2012 More woman initiate divorce because when they "fall in love" with someone else they can't compartmentalize long term like married men do. They think they're in love and need to "follow their heart." That's why the cheater boards are full of divorced and separated women waiting for their married men to leave their wives. She claims theres no one else but i'm really starting to wonder? There is this guy that is her dads friend from work, he became homeless and start staying with them(My wife lives with her parents) She says that she and him have really adult like conversations and she finds him interesting to listening. I suspected something was up and i asked her and she says no. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted March 4, 2012 Share Posted March 4, 2012 She claims theres no one else but i'm really starting to wonder? There is this guy that is her dads friend from work, he became homeless and start staying with them(My wife lives with her parents) She says that she and him have really adult like conversations and she finds him interesting to listening. I suspected something was up and i asked her and she says no. Trust your gut. Asking her will only get you gas lighted. That seems to be the number one thing in the hand book to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jk35058 Posted March 4, 2012 Author Share Posted March 4, 2012 Trust your gut. Asking her will only get you gas lighted. That seems to be the number one thing in the hand book to do. I don't know what i'm going to do Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted March 4, 2012 Share Posted March 4, 2012 I don't know what i'm going to do You are going to take the time to figure out exactly what you need to do for you. It is hard....I remember. But please make sure that you don't act in haste so that your protect yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
PinkInTheLimo Posted March 4, 2012 Share Posted March 4, 2012 It sounds to me that you made her go through hell with your depression and your suicide attempt. I hate to say this but I think a lot of people don't want to be together with someone who did a suicide attempt and has a history of depression. Mostly it is because people get scared that one day they will go home and find you death. You feel hurt now but everything does not turn around you. Have you ever considered the fact that your wife must feel hurt as well... Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 4, 2012 Share Posted March 4, 2012 (edited) Also, she mentioned that she wants a "legal separation" and I don't see the Logic in that?A legal separation is, here in Cali anyway, generally the same path as divorce except the parties cannot be remarried until divorced. Property, support and custody issues are settled or bifurcated as part of the separation decree. Our MC specifically made mention that, in his opinion, physical separation is invariably a pathway to divorce, simply because the focus on the M is lost. The spouses become, for all intents and purposes, single and dwell separately. It's easy to forget the M under such circumstances. BTDT. My advice would be to continue IC, get medically evaluated since you DC'd a prescription med, and consider contacting a mediator as a PlanB. ETA, also consult with your IC about approaching your wife for MC and consider the risks and benefits of such a decision. IMO, MC is a better choice if one wishes to recover their M. In MC, the marriage is the client; very different from IC. One question: Who rx'd the AD? It should have been a psychiatrist working in concert with your IC. Suicidal thoughts can be a negative side effect of some AD's. A competent practitioner would have evaluated and changed dosage and/or medication, if alerted. Psych meds can sometimes take awhile to both take effect and lose effect. Does your IC know you DC'd? S/he should, to track your behaviors and responses. Good luck. Edited March 4, 2012 by carhill Link to post Share on other sites
Author jk35058 Posted March 5, 2012 Author Share Posted March 5, 2012 It sounds to me that you made her go through hell with your depression and your suicide attempt. I hate to say this but I think a lot of people don't want to be together with someone who did a suicide attempt and has a history of depression. Mostly it is because people get scared that one day they will go home and find you death. You feel hurt now but everything does not turn around you. Have you ever considered the fact that your wife must feel hurt as well... The fact is, that I am healed from being that way and received the help i needed. I know what has been done is finished. Also I believe that I have failed to mention that my wife is bi polar and suffers from depression. It's been a hell of a battle... I think the best thing is to let her go. Why should I waste all my energy and time on trying to make her love me again... I don't see it happening...the damage is done........ Link to post Share on other sites
PinkInTheLimo Posted March 5, 2012 Share Posted March 5, 2012 The fact is, that I am healed from being that way and received the help i needed. I know what has been done is finished. Also I believe that I have failed to mention that my wife is bi polar and suffers from depression. It's been a hell of a battle... I think the best thing is to let her go. Why should I waste all my energy and time on trying to make her love me again... I don't see it happening...the damage is done........ Listen, it is not because you are healed that she is over it. Also, I don't buy the bipolar thing anymore. I think that this label is way too quickly used. It's often because the spouse is nice one day and angry the other day. However being nice or angry also depends on how you have been treated. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 5, 2012 Share Posted March 5, 2012 OP, if your wife is a diagnosed and medicated bi-polar, encourage her to continue treatment, as such is elemental to successful counseling and/or mediation. Anyone who is potentially a 'loose cannon' mentally/emotionally can be hell to deal with in any venue of discourse. If you are to divorce, her stability, as well as yours, is critical to a positive outcome. Divorce is hell enough as it is. I hope it doesn't come to that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jk35058 Posted March 6, 2012 Author Share Posted March 6, 2012 OP, if your wife is a diagnosed and medicated bi-polar, encourage her to continue treatment, as such is elemental to successful counseling and/or mediation. Anyone who is potentially a 'loose cannon' mentally/emotionally can be hell to deal with in any venue of discourse. If you are to divorce, her stability, as well as yours, is critical to a positive outcome. Divorce is hell enough as it is. I hope it doesn't come to that. My wife stopped taking her meds almost a year ago...and refuses to get back on them. could be part of the problem? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 6, 2012 Share Posted March 6, 2012 It's entirely possible she 'feels' better off her meds, just like you do. How we 'feel' and how we interact and are perceived by others can be different dynamics. Link to post Share on other sites
loveandlove Posted March 11, 2012 Share Posted March 11, 2012 I have practically begged my husband to go with me to marriage counseling. I've gone alone since he won't go. I beat myself up about him not going and wondered if there was another way. I know you hurt as she wants a divorce but the thing that helps me is that it really does take TWO people. No matter what you two do; talking, or counseling, if one person is not willing to give 100% you just cannot make them and it is not your fault, it is not what you want but you did not bring it upon yourself; it's THEM. It's THEIR issue. I know it hurts... Link to post Share on other sites
Author jk35058 Posted March 21, 2012 Author Share Posted March 21, 2012 Yeah it does hurt to think about it. She's already filled out the papers and not going to change her mind. She wants to remain friends which i ok with but it's difficult to look her in the eyes and pretend I don't have feelings for her still. I'm trying my hardiest to get over the fact she doesn't want me anymore and I cannot change the way she feels. I can't look at pictures of her anymore without feeling sad and I don't know I feel like i'm losing my life without her and I just find myself in question, why? don't you know i still love you and want to be with you? but she don't feel that way. I'm apprehensive that I won't find someone else and honestly as desperate as this sounds, i have been browsing dating websites and leaving my cell number with different woman and got a response from one that has 2 children and she text me and we been talking off and on i don't know about this one cause she claims her phone is messed up and won't get texts cause she doesn't respond and if she does it's way later. She says she would like to go on a date at the movies. Not trying to get my hopes up. I need somebody to love and love me.... I'm tired of being alone me and my wife have been separated for over a year now... I have practically begged my husband to go with me to marriage counseling. I've gone alone since he won't go. I beat myself up about him not going and wondered if there was another way. I know you hurt as she wants a divorce but the thing that helps me is that it really does take TWO people. No matter what you two do; talking, or counseling, if one person is not willing to give 100% you just cannot make them and it is not your fault, it is not what you want but you did not bring it upon yourself; it's THEM. It's THEIR issue. I know it hurts... Link to post Share on other sites
Author jk35058 Posted March 22, 2012 Author Share Posted March 22, 2012 Alright that didn't work out. I'm done with that one... I don't if i will ever find someone else again Link to post Share on other sites
ZacThomas Posted April 24, 2012 Share Posted April 24, 2012 This must be unexpected for you to get divorce notice notification from your wife but it will be better for you to let her go instead of stopping her .You can't bound any one to live with you in a relationship when other is unwilling to continue . Link to post Share on other sites
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