Welp, I've apparently given up

[Red Arremer]

So I've mentioned this in a few other threads, but I have a very, very boring life. I haven't been in a relationship for almost 3 years now (which was also the last time I had sex), and I haven't even been on a date at all in almost a year. I only have 1-2 close friends and none of them live within 2000 miles of me. I can count the number of people I do things regularly with on one hand, and even with them I may only go out and do things once a month at most. I don't go out by myself either, I've got no hobbies, no interests (outside of video games), and I wouldn't really even know where to find any. I have a really dry desk job that I work pretty long hours at, so I have pretty much no free time during the week, and then I spend most of the weekend catching up on sleep and doing housework/running errands. I'm not fat, but I am horribly out of shape despite that (which is a long story on its own, short version is a few years ago I had a nervous breakdown shortly after I got done running one evening and ever since then strenuous exercise has been a panic trigger for me). For reference I turned 30 a month ago.

 

But none of that is why I'm posting this thread. I decided to post the thread because I was thinking about all this stuff today, and I realized that none of this really even bugs me anymore. So in short it bugs me that this stuff doesn't bug me, if that makes any sense. I feel like I've basically given up on life at this point, and *that* is what bugs me.

 

You always hear people say on here and pretty much everywhere else that you can't get a woman if you care about getting a woman and that you have to stop caring before it will happen for you. Of course, what that is also implicitly saying is that you still have to care about everything else, like having a lot of friends and interests and keeping in shape and going out a lot and whatever. I'm at the stage now I feel like where I don't really care about getting a woman OR any of that other stuff. It's just too hard/too much effort to be an interesting person with lots of friends and interests and a dating life, I've never been that person, I'm never going to be that person, so what's the use?

 

So yeah, I guess I'm posting this thread because I'm at wits' end and I don't know what to do. My life is a never-ending stream of frustrations and I have no idea what to do about it. I'd say "if anybody has been in a rut like this and got out of it I'd love to hear what you did," but it's not really so much a "rut" for me as much as my life has always been this way. So, if anyone had a life like mine and got out of it I'd love to hear what you did, I guess?

 

 

 

Disclaimer: Despite the above I am not suicidal in any way, so hopefully nobody's taking anything I wrote the wrong way. My life may be a boring place where fun goes to die, but it doesn't suck *that* bad.

[Teknoe]

Check out your local church(es).

People are friendly and you may find a social circle.

 

It's free and it can't hurt to visit just even one time. If you've already tried it in the past, I urge you to try it again.

 

Isolation is the slow killer. Life just isn't satisfying lived all by your lonesome.

 

Going to church reinvigorated my (social) life. Last night, me and 3 ladies from my church headed up a ways to support our mutual friend. It was great hanging out and getting out of the house for 4-5 hours. Don't go through life alone man.

[Red Arremer]

Thanks for the suggestion. Having grown up a baptist in a particularly bible thumping church in the Midwest though, I've been kind of soured to the whole church thing.

[Teknoe]

Thanks for the suggestion. Having grown up a baptist in a particularly bible thumping church in the Midwest though, I've been kind of soured to the whole church thing.

 

I understand.

 

The thing is though, we can't automatically close ourselves off to certain experiences because we've been kind of soured to it.

 

i.e. my last GF left a very sour taste in my mouth... am I not going to ever try again?

 

We all go through different seasons. There are good and bad people. There are good and not-so-good churches.

 

Try it today.

 

Again, for the guy with no options, nowhere to turn to, I always advocate turning to God and His people in these times. All you gotta do is show up.

[Squish]

You need to get out and do something, that's for sure. If you're worried about your fitness, there are plenty of different kinds of classes that are loads of fun and you don't realise you're exercising (such as dancing, Zumba etc). You will meet loads of people there and get fitter without it being strenuous and triggering a panic attack. Also, your body will release endorphines which will help you feel much better about things.

[Red Arremer]

Something else I think about from time to time is the fact that, yeah, having more friends would be kind of cool, and yeah, having more interesting things to do would be kind of cool, but with a dry spell going on 3 years now I just sort of want to get laid more than anything. Dating/a relationship is sort of optional, and in fact I'd almost prefer not to go through those things because at this point I have so little dating/relationship experience that I really have no confidence whatsoever in my ability to be a good date/boyfriend/anything else.

 

Which would seem to make paying for sex the obvious solution, except I live in good ol' puritanical America and there's no way my life, reputation or career could withstand being convicted of a sex crime. Travel is out of the question too because a) just because it's legal in other places doesn't make it any less stigmatized where I am, and b) I don't have time to do interesting stuff here, when the bleep would I find time to travel?

 

So, yeah, I dunno. I used to delude myself into thinking I could potentially get hot enough where I could get sex in spite of my lack of dating experience, but realistically that's just not gonna happen.

 

But hey, at least I'm not out there trying to use women for sex, right? *le sigh*

[KathyM]

I suggest you start with just one or two things about yourself or your life that you really would like to fix--such as exercising. You could stop by the gym on the way to or from work, and it would improve your attitude and outlook, since, like the other poster said, it produces endorfins which make you happier, and you'll have more energy and less depression. It sounds like you have a mild depression, and the exercise will help with that. When you have that going, then add one more thing to improve your life. If you want to socialize more, then search for places, meet up groups, social groups, or whatever, and start going to one of them. Small steps will help you make progress without feeling like you're taking on an overwhelming task.

[Red Arremer]

Bumping this thread from however long ago because I feel dumpy again. Hooray!

 

I've tried picking up exercise every now and again, but every time I try it is pretty much the same: I start in, am diligent for a few days to a few weeks, then I start to get frustrated at how hard it is and the fact that I have made no discernible progress, then I start skipping days because who cares, the days turn to weeks, ...

 

I've tried going in whole hog and dipping my toes in gradually, same results.

 

 

Another, unrelated problem I have is the fact that I feel like nothing interesting EVER happens to me. I. think the last time anything at all notable happened to me was Comic-Con, and that was... last July. It makes it really hard to motivate myself to do anything when, quite frankly, I feel like I have nothing in my life to be motivated about.

[Red Arremer]

To go along with that, I have literally been bored to tears before. As in, I have been so bored that it has literally caused me to cry.

[somedude81]

Hey, the last thing interesting that happened to me in a long time, was my car randomly not starting and having to find out what was wrong and to repair it.

 

That was fun

[Teknoe]

I feel like nothing interesting EVER happens to me.

 

Don't wait for interesting things to happen to you: do interesting things.

 

To share an example from my own life, see my posts in this thread

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/self-improvement-personal-well-being/316034-i-have-never-felt-determined-before

 

Life really is about our perspective. Perception is reality. It shapes and colors our lives. It's not surprising people who constantly think negatively are so unhappy. Wherever you are in your life, there is one constant truth: the people who "succeed" are the ones who keep moving, get knocked down, get right back up and keep doing/trying/moving.

[Red Arremer]

Don't wait for interesting things to happen to you: do interesting things.

Sure, although my life has been so boring for so long that at the moment I have literally no interests aside from your run of the mill nerd stuff (which I do essentially just to kill time between one boring part of my life and the next). I wouldn't even know where to start. Not to mention that I am so out of practice socially that the thought of going out on my own and trying stuff scares the crap out of me.

 

Life really is about our perspective. Perception is reality. It shapes and colors our lives. It's not surprising people who constantly think negatively are so unhappy. Wherever you are in your life, there is one constant truth: the people who "succeed" are the ones who keep moving, get knocked down, get right back up and keep doing/trying/moving.

Not to get all Somedude in this thread (no offense Somedude), but it's awfully hard to keep getting up and trying again/moving when you've never really experienced success in the first place. I don't think I'd know what to do with success if I found it. I'd be like Wile E. Coyote in the cartoon where he finally catches the roadrunner and is like "okay, I caught him, now what?"

[Teknoe]

Sure, although my life has been so boring for so long that at the moment I have literally no interests aside from your run of the mill nerd stuff (which I do essentially just to kill time between one boring part of my life and the next). I wouldn't even know where to start. Not to mention that I am so out of practice socially that the thought of going out on my own and trying stuff scares the crap out of me.

 

I know it's easy for others to say "You gotta get out of your own head" or "Try/do X, Y and Z why don't cha?"

 

The truth of the matter is, no other human being on earth can change you. Sure, people can point you in the right direction, or influence you, but it must come from deep, deep down... a true desire to step out of one's comfort zone and really give life a serious shot.

 

I was stuck in my own head from 2008-2011... in some ways I still am... and people could have told me certain things... but in the end 2012 was when I decided I finally had to take responsibility for the way things are or aren't in my life.

 

Everyone's timing is different. I wish you the best.

 

I'll end by saying it's obvious you (and others, like Somedude, since he posted in this thread and you just mentioned him) need a CULTURE CHANGE. Right now, you are the perpetual woe-is-me nothing-ever-goes-right for me loser. Don't take that harshly. You need to drop that mentality and adopt a winner's mentality... a winning culture.

 

Get around positive people.

[Red Arremer]

I've done random meetup stuff before where there have been super cheery bubbly people and those people actually put me off. It's sort of like, in my mind, if you seem like you're that happy, you're either a) faking it or b) delusional. It probably doesn't help that I have a really hard time connecting with people I can't relate to, and I have a hard time relating to people that are outside my extremely narrow niche of interests.

 

Which would make the obvious advice "go and find some happy nerds," but... I'll let you know when I find some. Nerd culture in general is very insular and negative and woe-is-me it seems like.

[Teknoe]

^ I understand that. I think the problem with the random meet-ups meeting cheery people is just that. It's random. It's not over a stretch. You did it once, or maybe even a couple times. But you didn't get to know those people, flaws and all, for who they really are.

 

I can only speak what worked for me. I was agnostic for 25 years. Then, in 2009, when I was hurting like hell... I finally decided to give church a shake. I came, listened to the message and it really resonated with me and the struggles I was going through.

 

I then committed to a small group (meeting once a week in a group of 8-12 people, from different backgrounds and walks of life) and these people have been my support group, through thick and thin. Their faith astounds me, and their prayers are appreciated.

 

Simply put, I found something to believe in. Once I believed in God and His promises, I started to believe in myself. I know I couldn't believe in myself if it weren't for my faith, because I don't have a high view of myself (before I came to know God). His Word declares that we are wonderfully made... and I declare that truth every morning I am blessed to wake up.

 

My support group I know aren't phonies. Neither are they hypocrites. They really give Christians a good name, because they live out the kind of lives the Gospel calls believers to. I know a lot of people are turned off religion and church, etc. But I say go for yourself and see. Give it a shot. I did 3 years ago, and have never looked back.

 

It's also one of the easiest, safest ways to find a solid support group.

[Red Arremer]

Heh, I was screwing around on my OLD site of choice a few minutes ago and half-jokingly had the pleasant thought of "Boy, it'd be cool if someone could give me a reason not to blow my brains out right now" run through my head.

 

I suppose this is a good of a time as any to stress that I don't think I'm suicidal, but... that can't be a good sign of anything. :\

[somedude81]

No it's certainly not a good sign.

 

I wish I could give some encouragement since I've been there and all that. But honestly, I'm still going through it.

[heatherfeather]

Start volunteering on the weekends. Or mentoring a kid like big brother/big sister's.

It will get you out of your rut, you make new friends and get your name out in the community. Maybe just start walking instead of having to run full tilt.

 

It is a start!

[Red Arremer]

Man, first I should go to church, now I should volunteer, maybe I should run off and join a monastery or become a superhero also.

 

 

Not that I'm taking enjoyment in crapping on everyone's suggestions, but... sigh. I want to be able to have fun for a change, and being a Middle American god-fearing goody two shoes just doesn't sound fun at all. At least not right now. Which probably makes me sound like a horrible person, but screw it, I probably *am* a horrible person. I'm right on the threshold of being one of those creepy old men on the internet anyway, may as well embrace it.

[Ross MwcFan]

So I've mentioned this in a few other threads, but I have a very, very boring life. I haven't been in a relationship for almost 3 years now (which was also the last time I had sex), and I haven't even been on a date at all in almost a year. I only have 1-2 close friends and none of them live within 2000 miles of me. I can count the number of people I do things regularly with on one hand, and even with them I may only go out and do things once a month at most. I don't go out by myself either, I've got no hobbies, no interests (outside of video games), and I wouldn't really even know where to find any. I have a really dry desk job that I work pretty long hours at, so I have pretty much no free time during the week, and then I spend most of the weekend catching up on sleep and doing housework/running errands. I'm not fat, but I am horribly out of shape despite that (which is a long story on its own, short version is a few years ago I had a nervous breakdown shortly after I got done running one evening and ever since then strenuous exercise has been a panic trigger for me). For reference I turned 30 a month ago.

 

But none of that is why I'm posting this thread. I decided to post the thread because I was thinking about all this stuff today, and I realized that none of this really even bugs me anymore. So in short it bugs me that this stuff doesn't bug me, if that makes any sense. I feel like I've basically given up on life at this point, and *that* is what bugs me.

 

You always hear people say on here and pretty much everywhere else that you can't get a woman if you care about getting a woman and that you have to stop caring before it will happen for you. Of course, what that is also implicitly saying is that you still have to care about everything else, like having a lot of friends and interests and keeping in shape and going out a lot and whatever. I'm at the stage now I feel like where I don't really care about getting a woman OR any of that other stuff. It's just too hard/too much effort to be an interesting person with lots of friends and interests and a dating life, I've never been that person, I'm never going to be that person, so what's the use?

 

So yeah, I guess I'm posting this thread because I'm at wits' end and I don't know what to do. My life is a never-ending stream of frustrations and I have no idea what to do about it. I'd say "if anybody has been in a rut like this and got out of it I'd love to hear what you did," but it's not really so much a "rut" for me as much as my life has always been this way. So, if anyone had a life like mine and got out of it I'd love to hear what you did, I guess?

 

 

 

Disclaimer: Despite the above I am not suicidal in any way, so hopefully nobody's taking anything I wrote the wrong way. My life may be a boring place where fun goes to die, but it doesn't suck *that* bad.

 

That sounds really horrific. Couldn't you find a job which isn't as soul destroying and has less hours, so being at work wont feel as bad and you'll at least have some free time to do things you enjoy?

 

Your life is being wasted away because of your work.

Edited March 13, 2012 by Ross MwcFan

[Red Arremer]

That sounds really horrific. Couldn't you find a job which isn't as soul destroying and has less hours, so being at work wont feel as bad and you'll at least have some free time to do things you enjoy?

 

Your life is being wasted away because of your work.

This is a less soul-destroying job. My last couple of jobs were even worse.

[Red Arremer]

Ugh, man I am in rare form today.

 

There was some other post in one of these other threads today that asked the OP to think back to happy memories, and it got me to brainstorming the times in my life where I have truly felt happy. Here's what I came up with:

 

1) The week of my best friend from college's bachelor party in Vegas, eight years ago.

 

2) The few moments right after my first kiss, five years ago (did I mention I'm 30?). Of course, awkwardness eventually got the better of me and she stopped wanting to see me a few weeks after that. I still, to this day, five years later, kick myself for letting her get away and catch myself pining over her from time to time.

 

3) The first few weeks after moving across the country to where I am now, three years ago. I already had a pretty solid foundation of internet friends when I moved here, so things were really starting to look up for me. During this time, I also had my first (and only) relationship with one of said internet friends. It only lasted a few weeks, it ended very, very messily, and it literally tore apart the entire network of friends I had made.

 

4) Comic-Con, last July.

 

 

So, I have been happy a grand total of four times in the last ten years, and three of them involved some sort of "escape" from my normal life, whether it be a vacation or an event or a big move. And any sort of positive experiences with dating I have ever had, whether I was happy explicitly because of them or because of other circumstances, have invariably come around to bite me in the rear end in spectacular fashion leaving me way worse off than I was before.

 

 

So, I guess if anything this is just further proof that I live a joyless, soulless existence and the only time I experience happiness at all is when I am able to escape from it, even if only briefly.

 

 

 

 

Unrelated side note: Thank you, LS, for bearing the brunt of my baggage. Being able to be a pathetic sadsack here keeps me from having it spill out everywhere else I hang out on the internet.

[Exit]

Wish I had some advice to give you but I'm only here to chime in and say I can relate to how you're feeling. I've been at rock bottom for a while now. Finally gave in and started going to therapy, but much like I expected, an hour or two of talking to someone per week is not going to outmatch the other 166 hours of the week that I am dealing with my life. I have long conversations with family members where I tell them how crappy I feel and that I'm just ready for this to all be over, and they try to offer suggestions, but just end up frustrated when one of their first 3 ideas doesn't suddenly have me shouting "oh, that's it! I can do that tomorrow and things will be great!". Even today I started to sense a hint of frustration from my therapist too.

 

I agree a lot with what you said on page 1:

but it's awfully hard to keep getting up and trying again/moving when you've never really experienced success in the first place.

 

I am out of motivation. I am tired. Motivation is not in an endless supply. Each time you go back to the barrel to grab some more and start over, it gets a little lower. People can't seem to understand my feeling that things have a cumulative effect. It's not just being sad that my last relationship ended, it's the entire history of failed relationships. It's not just that I didn't like my last job, I've never liked any job I had. Today my therapist tried telling me to look at it the other way, I have found new jobs before, I have found new girlfriends before, and I can do it again. But I told her how am I supposed to force myself to have a selective memory and not recall how all of those "successes" ended up turning out? When people run out of ideas, they just turn to the "Fake it until you make it" idea. I'm tired of that. I've been faking it my entire life. That's why people will tell me "When you were little we'd go talk to your teachers and they'd say you were perfectly happy and had friends". Yes, because I was faking it. I got picked on during my school years. I've faked happiness with jobs and everything else before. Is it too much to ask for some genuine happiness for once? I went full throttle my entire life, worked hard in school while everyone else screwed around, thought I made the right choice for my continuing education after high school, from that went directly into my career, and found out I hated it. Meanwhile everyone else went to regular colleges and farted around for 4 years figuring out what they wanted to do. I wanted to have my life off the ground ahead of everyone else, I wanted to be a home owner in my 20s with money to spare, people don't see that side of me currently, the person who struggles to find motivation to do anything. I have not always been this way, ironically it's quite the opposite, I worked my butt off and as a reward, life just gave me more misery. I remember being 14 years old and trying to find places that would hire me on a work permit since most places want you to be 16 or 18 or whatever. I wanted to work. Compared to today I've been so disillusioned by my experiences that I've been out of work for a while and I hardly care to find anything. Money is running low and if I end up on the street, oh well.

 

It takes time to fix all this. Sure I can find another job, maybe meet another girl some day, and if I work really hard for months on end maybe I'll finally be in the physical shape that I want to be in, but I am begging for life to throw me a bone NOW. I can't keep going on thoughts of "things will be better in a few months or years". I've been suffering for a long time now. You could tell me I'll win the lottery next year or meet the girl I'm going to marry, but still that would be too far off in the distance to matter to me right now. You could tell me I'll be a millionaire in a few years if I just hang on. I wouldn't care. I'm still about ready to give up on all of this right now.

 

People often misunderstand me, I'm not at all saying there is no hope for my life, or no way to fix it. There are ways, and they all require time, energy, and motivation, and I just don't feel like I have anymore to give.

 

So Red, I kinda know how you feel.

Edited March 14, 2012 by Exit

[hotloader]

I'd say "if anybody has been in a rut like this and got out of it I'd love to hear what you did," but it's not really so much a "rut" for me as much as my life has always been this way. So, if anyone had a life like mine and got out of it I'd love to hear what you did, I guess?

 

You can't revolve your life around women in any way, shape, or form and expect to find happiness. The chances of you finding a woman with any redeemable level of substance, character, loyalty, and integrity in 21'st century America are slim to none.

 

Take me for example. I'm 34 years old. I was married for six years. My wife left me for another guy about five years ago. I wasn't a perfect husband. My wife's biggest complaint about me was my weight, as I gained quite a bit of it throughout our marriage. She also complained about towels on the floor. That's always been a habitual problem for me. That was it though. I never cheated on her, I never abused her, etc. She left me, and she ruined me financially in the process. I'm just now starting to feel like I've recovered from that. Thank God we didn't have any kids. I've never spoken to her since our initial separation, and never will as long as I live. I don't care where she is, what she's doing, etc.

 

After that, I was still a "softy" when it came to women. A "hopeless romantic" in every sense of the word. Since my divorce, I've dated several women seriously, and many others casually. I'm finding that women today are truly baseline. They are stupid, cruel, self-centered, artificial, and materialistic. They are also apologetically promiscuous. I am simply no longer interested in wasting my time, money, and emotional energy in modern women. It is a worthless venture. I no longer take them seriously, and I've felt a thousand times better since I had that epiphany.

 

What do I do? Well, I focus on myself. Luckily I've got a great career and great job security since I own the business. So my professional life is in check. I've also got a LOT more money now since I no longer bother with dating. It really adds up. I also pay much more attention to my health. At the time I got divorced, I was fifty pounds heavier than I am now. I'm now at a healthy weight, and I have a simple and short, yet effective daily workout routine. I've considered intensifying it, and may do so...if I choose. I've got a lot of choices as a single man. You take that for granted when you've got a girlfriend or a wife.

 

I also enjoy spending time with my friends, both male and some female, but mostly male. Ballgames are a common activity in the summer. I'm considering taking up snowboarding next winter, but I haven't decided yet. I've got some tattoos on my upper arms, and I plan on having them touched up and getting at least one full sleeve finished in the coming months. Let's see....what else....

 

I'm a musician. I've been playing the guitar since I was old enough to hold one. My ex-wife hated this, and while I was married I almost never played. I now spend at least two hours every evening playing, but sometimes I play from the time I finish work until the wee hours of the morning. I grew up on punk rock music, and that's what I play. I'm currently trying to find a couple of guys to put a three or four piece band together just for fun. That's gonna be an absolute blast, and I know I am gonna do it because I don't have anyone telling me I can't, shouldn't, etc.

 

When it comes to women, I just don't care. Companionship is great and all, but it seems to end in short order with deceit and cruelty. This was a repeating theme for me, and the moment I decided to stop the madness I felt so much better. I just got tired of being the "nice guy", and getting treated like absolute dog $hit for it. I don't deserve that. Nobody does. Having said that, I haven't done a complete 180 into the realm of being a "player" or anything. I'm certainly not a sex addict, and aside from that I really don't see the point in that sort of behavior. I don't drink either, so I have no interest in the bar scene. That helps.

 

To sum it all up the answer to your happiness lies within you, my friend...And the answer to your girl problems can be found at the end of your arm. As irreverent and/or crass as that might sound, there's more than a grain of truth to it.

[Red Arremer]

I definitely hear you on the work ethic. I have constantly busted my ass my whole life, whether it be to do good in school, to go to a good college, to go on and do post-grad stuff, to get a good job, blah blah blah. I pretty much forewent any sort of enjoyment growing up because, for one thing quite frankly my family environment as a kid was kind of sh*tty, and for another thing I figured that everything would just sort itself out if I ever became successful.

 

Except I am successful now, and... nothing's changed. That dry desk job that eats away all my time I mentioned before? It's actually in law (and that's all I'm going to say for fear of letting anything slip that could identify me), and it pays very, very well. Professionally, I've made it. This is exactly where all that work I put in up until this point was supposed to get me. But you know when people say "money isn't everything" and you just sort of inwardly laugh at them because you think it's BS and you couldn't possibly imagine how money wouldn't just solve all of your problems and obviously they just don't "get it"? Well, let me tell you. Money isn't everything. It's sort of like another one of those Wile E. Coyote moments. "Welp, I'm here in Successville, Population: Me, now what do I do??"

 

It sort of scares the crap out of me too, because law is a very "sink or swim" profession. In most firms, there's an expectation that after a certain number of years you're going to start making a serious push towards making partner, which typically involves an unfathomable amount of networking and additional work that makes what I'm doing right now look like a cakewalk. The people that don't want to put that sort of work in either get shoved to the sidelines or thrown out of the firm entirely. I'm coming up on that point right now, and in 1-2 years I'm going to have to have one of those fun "what the hell am I doing with my life" talks with myself. And I mean crap, if I'm struggling just to plow through my everyday work right now, I have NO idea how I'm going to manage that. And my life up to this point has been entirely about furthering my career, and without my career my life literally has no purpose. And THAT is scary.