am i just too sensitive?

[monica ( again )]

o.k. i know i've worn out my welcome and this will be my last post! i am just so confused and this is why: yesterday morning he bit my head off about this lotion thing, he left with me standing with my mouth hanging open.

 

five minutes later he called me from work and asked me about something like nothing ever happend. that evening we had a great evening, we watched t.v. together and went to bed together.

 

this morning went fine until he started playing some tapes and his air guitar. i wanted to show him something on the computer, he came over glanced at it and said yeah and walked away as i was still talking to him.

 

i felt slighted and told him that that was rude to walk away when i was still talking to him. he said well i saw what you wanted me to see and went back to his stupid air guitar.

 

this is how it always is though, one minute we are so close and loving then the next he gets upset like about the lotion. i know we all have our good and our bad, but at times his good out weighs the bad and/or the bad out weighs the good.

 

i don't know how to decide, my heart says stay and work it out, my head says leave him cause you'll never be totally happy, he will never change as that is the way he is.

 

when i start counseling i will change and if he stays the same how can i expect our relationship to be any better then it is now?

 

i apologize for the ongoing saga, i really do, i just wish i could make a snap decision and then stick to it. or runaway like someone else said in another post. i would just pack my clothes and animals and leave the next time he bites my head off. is it unreasonable for someone to stay on a more even kilter, is that really asking too much?anyway, thanks for all the help so far. monica

[Tony T]

You may not be too sensitive but you are way too slow in getting out of this relationship. Every day it's a new saga, more things you are not happy about. Don't hesitate to post them here if it helps you to cope. However, it is insane for anyone to remain in the situation you're in...not to imply that you are insane...just making a point.

 

As far as your question, it is unreasonable to demand or expect anything from anybody. If you have to do that, you are with the WRONG person. As Ben Franklin always said, "Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he will never be disappointed."

[billy the kid]

Monica, I don't think you are being to sensitive, He sounds like a jerk. Since he doesn't see a problem or feel like he is doing wrong, you shouldn't expect change. If I were you I would start packing, unless you are willing to put up with his behavior.

o.k. i know i've worn out my welcome and this will be my last post! i am just so confused and this is why: yesterday morning he bit my head off about this lotion thing, he left with me standing with my mouth hanging open. five minutes later he called me from work and asked me about something like nothing ever happend. that evening we had a great evening, we watched t.v. together and went to bed together.

 

this morning went fine until he started playing some tapes and his air guitar. i wanted to show him something on the computer, he came over glanced at it and said yeah and walked away as i was still talking to him. i felt slighted and told him that that was rude to walk away when i was still talking to him. he said well i saw what you wanted me to see and went back to his stupid air guitar. this is how it always is though, one minute we are so close and loving then the next he gets upset like about the lotion. i know we all have our good and our bad, but at times his good out weighs the bad and/or the bad out weighs the good.

 

i don't know how to decide, my heart says stay and work it out, my head says leave him cause you'll never be totally happy, he will never change as that is the way he is. when i start counseling i will change and if he stays the same how can i expect our relationship to be any better then it is now? i apologize for the ongoing saga, i really do, i just wish i could make a snap decision and then stick to it. or runaway like someone else said in another post. i would just pack my clothes and animals and leave the next time he bites my head off. is it unreasonable for someone to stay on a more even kilter, is that really asking too much?anyway, thanks for all the help so far. monica

[monica ( again )]

it's just those good things about him that are hard to leave. that is why i think if i'm going to leave him i would have to do at the spur of the moment so i don't have time to think about the good things about him. i just wish he'd either always be a jerk, then i could leave easier, or always be sweet and nice like he can be, then i would not even be posting here. lol

Monica, I don't think you are being to sensitive, He sounds like a jerk. Since he doesn't see a problem or feel like he is doing wrong, you shouldn't expect change. If I were you I would start packing, unless you are willing to put up with his behavior.

 

[billy the kid]

Monica youcan find someone out there with the same good qualities and more.

it's just those good things about him that are hard to leave. that is why i think if i'm going to leave him i would have to do at the spur of the moment so i don't have time to think about the good things about him. i just wish he'd either always be a jerk, then i could leave easier, or always be sweet and nice like he can be, then i would not even be posting here. lol

[Robert]

Monica,

 

True love doesn't wear and despair so easily. It seems that you haven't the depth to love someone unless they are meeting your expectations.

 

On the other hand, you could love him unconditionally and still prefer not to live with or share life with him. A genuine love seeks to do what is best for the beloved - including refusing to be treated selfishly.

 

Robert

[monica ( again )]

well robert i guess that is true to a point. it has been over a year that he has gotten so moody cause of his job mainly. maybe i don't have depth to love someone unless they meet my expectaions, but is that wrong to want to be treated respectfully?

 

he don't that i know of, treat others that he works with or my daughter or his family like he does me. so what does that mean? and even if i did love him unconditionally, i doubt that i could stay in this situation for long.

 

it is so hard on my nerves. he has been a saint for two days straight now, and i resent the time that i know is coming again that he will be biting my head off again.

 

if my love for him was genuine i guess i would leave him as i have tons of faults myself and that is why i am going to go to counseling. i don't want to subject him to my negative way i.e. jealousy, control, insecurity, etc.

 

i know that it is not fair to him, but i am trying to help myself, but like i said all the help in the world that i do for myself isn't going to help "us" if he don't do something about his problems, which he denies even having any.

 

your response for some reason sounded like poetry, i was very impressed with your words. and although leaving him is not something i want to do, in my heart it is crying but in my head, it is pleading me to leave.

 

the decision is which to follow..............he hasn't given up on me with all that i put him through and i feel i owe him the chance as well to fix things so that we can stay together. i hope that makes sense! thank you for your reply...............monica

 

Monica, True love doesn't wear and despair so easily. It seems that you haven't the depth to love someone unless they are meeting your expectations. On the other hand, you could love him unconditionally and still prefer not to live with or share life with him. A genuine love seeks to do what is best for the beloved - including refusing to be treated selfishly. Robert

[Robert]

Its never wrong to demand being treated respectfully. But, it doesn't surprise me that he treats others with more consideration.

 

All of us people are wonderfully complex. Who to know why we treat others the way we do. Love can bear a lot but never allow your self to be demeaned. Demeaning behaviour must be stopped immediately.

 

Its also perfectly natural that you feel resentment in his suddenly being so nice. However, think in human terms of how we drift slowly over time to a position that we never have step to in one big step. By this I mean that in the beginning he never would have gone fully overnight to the disrespectful posture he now holds. So, his realization that he better tow the line and be nice or lose you is a statement in itself.

 

The beautiful thing about true love is that it enables us to be so patient and persevering. We all have many faults and do damaging things to each other. But, love holds us together and mends the hurt.

 

One very damaging tendency is to view love realtionships in terms of needs. We are not here to meet each others needs. If fact, needs are often false and only exist as an figment of the imagination. Modern therapy focuses us on these so called needs and has us wondering, desparately, how to get them satisfied. Stupidly, these advisors tell us that we must take care of our own needs because no one else will. The reason why this is stupid is because it builds barriers between us and others. It also creates a standard by which we judge others in terms of how well they meet our needs.

 

The decision as to which to follow, the mind or the heart, is so simple. Follow your heart in matters of the heart. As Pascal noted, the heart has its reasons about which reason knows nothing. Just do not permit yourself to treat him disrespectfully or to have him treat you disrepectfully.

 

A person's capacity to love is directly related to goodness. Those who live good lives have a deep capacity to love. When we have choices to make between good and evil, choosing the evil instantly reduces our capacity to love. Do enough evil and eventually one becomes a memeber of the living dead - those who bodies are alive but their hearts are dead.

 

The following were written by Cistercian Monks in the middle ages.

 

"There is no dwelling together in unity - except in love."

 

"By God alone is love given and in Him it endures."

 

Write again.

 

Robert