Dont know if he has cheated?

[totrusting]

Things have been a bit all over the place for me. I have been back with my husband now for almost a year after being seperated for 9 months on and off. Im not working as I want to stay with my son instead of a nanny as we dont have family or friends close by. We seem to fight about everything and when we do its full on arguments and tears, that of course our 2.5 year old son sees, and its always been like that and it is just wearing me down so much. He is working from home so we spend all day together but never really spend any quality time together. He makes enough for me to not have to work which is great, but he seems to resent me for it. He always says he is working like a dog despite the fact I help him as much as I can and do all his emails and everything for the business, and of course take care of our son and the house.

 

Whenever he starts to drink he cant stop and often leaves the house late at night when I am in the room with our son and doesnt come back for an hour or 2, when I ask him where he was he says he went to get a beer or was sitting in the park or some other lame excuse. This is at least once a week. Then there are the nights at least once a month where he leaves at 10 or 11 at night and doesnt come back until 9 or 10 the next morning. No 'im leaving', no phone call where he is or when he will be home, nothing. This has been going on since our son was born and was the main reason why I left him for almost a year. I get that he works hard and that he wants to go out and blow of steam or see his friends or whatever, but I dont understand the way he goes about it. He made promises to me that this wouldnt happen anymore when I decided to come back to him, but it has been happening since we have been back together, gradually more and more.

 

I have told him how suspicious it seems and asked him straight out if he is cheating on me, he says he isnt and to not be stupid, that he just wants to go out or whatever. The guys he claims to go and see used to be friends of mine that I worked with, but I have lost contact with them really because the partying and everything just is not my life anymore. They are also well in to the 30's with no wives or kids or other responsibilities or anyone to answer to. I have asked him before doesnt anyone say to you shouldnt you go home or call your wife or something but I guess they dont give a **** and it makes me wonder what he says to them about me.

 

Before christmas he went out all night and at noon he still wasnt home, I called him and asked him where he was and he said he fell asleep and that he would be home soon. When he got home we had a huge fight and I said I was not dealing with this anymore and its not appropriate behaviour for a married man. He fed me all the **** about how he pays for everything and if he wants to go out he can. I said of course but why cant he let me know where he is and if he is not going to be home. He said it didnt matter if he called because I would have the ****s anyways which is just bull****, and I have said to him so many times that I would have no reason to be angry if he just called me or something, gave me some respect. He screamed and shouted - I cried and asked him to leave. He stayed away a couple of days, he called me a few times but I didnt answer. Then he came home to apoligise and within minutes of being here got a phone call from his mum that his grandmother had died. He left to his country and we never really talked about it other than him promising me it would not happen again and that he realised he cant stop drinking when he starts.

 

Now here we are, he left on Saturday night and didnt come home until 10am, he arrived with someone he was supposed to work with and when he looked at me he simply said do you want me to go, I said what do you think. He left, no phone call during that day or night - nothing, came home 10am monday morning, again with someone so I cant say anything. We argued some more later slept seperate etc.

 

On wednesday I went to a friend with our son and came home late. He was working really late and left the house about 12.30, came home 2.30am - Dont know where he was and then I hear him on the phone. I came out and said who the f*** are you calling at 3 in the morning basically, and he said he was calling a friend about some bike or something. I absolutely lost it we got into a huge fight I gave him back my wedding rings and the next day I asked him to leave. He wouldnt go but my mum was on skype and she told him he should. He said how dare I think I can kick him out of the house etc. I asked him if I should then have to pick up all my **** and leave for the 3rd time in 3 years?

 

Anyway havent heard from him since. Who knows where he is or what he is doing. I am so unsure of what to do. Our lease runs out in April and our son is supposed to start nursury full tim ein September. I dont know what to do, all the other things - the constant bickering and the incompatability in a lot of ways, and being from other counties and cultures and stuff I can work through but this is a dealbreaker for me. How can I be with someone that is behaving so disrespectfully and shady. We have been together for 6 years married for 3 in a couple of weeks and although there have been some really hard times, there have been some great ones too. But how can I trust him?

 

I know when I get back to work things will be better but I dont know if I can get through this. I will always wonder where he has been and if I can really trust him.. I feel very unmotivated at the moment, I dont have really any friends here anymore and I know a part of it is also jealousy that he gets to go out and im at home with the baby. But the truth is that if I had places to go I could too. We just fight about everything, bicker constantly. We dont have any help as well with our son so we are just together all the time. I cant even remember the last time we went somewhere just me and him. We hardly have sex anymore because I feel so cut of from him emotionally and I know this is a part of us being really unconnected and of course in my mind makes me think maybe he might be looking for it elsewhere.

 

Sorry for the huge mail but I would really appriciate some advice, im just so upset.

Has anyone been through something similar, should I trust him? How can I know for sure he has not been unfaithfull to me? He never answers questions directly and always responds with another question or complaint and an argumnet than of course happens.

 

I still love him because I dont know for sure I guess, and I know he loves me too otherwise we both would have said get stuffed a long time ago I guess. I just dont want my son to see us arguing and I dont know when to walk away or if enough is enough. I got married for forever and I cant try and push through this and trust him if he is not really giving me any reasons to. Help!?

[Orianne]

Does it really matter if he's cheating or not? He's not being a good husband and as a result, you're miserable. You need to free yourself from this man and find someone who will cherish you and your son and love you the way you deserve to be loved.