Can't ever be 'just' friends. Did I ruin my chances?

[who_knew]

I sent a letter to my ex saying that I couldn't ever be just friends with her and having said that I wished her good luck with her everything and hope she can be truly happy. Was that a good or bad idea. I just didn't want to fall into the friend-zone with her and I wanted her to know that. I didn't say it angrily, but I hope this doesn't ruin my chances.

[coopster]

I sent a letter to my ex saying that I couldn't ever be just friends with her and having said that I wished her good luck with her everything and hope she can be truly happy. Was that a good or bad idea. I just didn't want to fall into the friend-zone with her and I wanted her to know that. I didn't say it angrily, but I hope this doesn't ruin my chances.

 

Why did you do that??? If you meant it, then it was a good idea. If you didn`t then yes it was a bad idea

[who_knew]

I just wanted her to know I could never be just friends because I would always have feelings for her and I feel like they will never change. I want her to realize that I can't be just friends with her in hopes that she understands that if she wants to have a relationship with me it will have to be more than just as friends.

 

Every time i think about her I get so depressed because I want to be as important in her life as I was before and I don't think I could ever be just a friend to her.

 

Make sense, or did I just **** up big time?

[who_knew]

This is the letter I sent to her:

 

As I write this, I start to wonder why I do this to myself and I realize it's because of how much I miss you. It was hard enough to miss you when we were together, but it's even harder to miss you knowing that I'm without you.

 

Honestly, it's for the best that we've had this time apart, giving us the chance to see things a bit more clearly, but regardless of how necessary it is right now it doesn't change the fact that I still love you and care for you so much.

 

It's hard for me to say this, but I need you to know that I can't ever be just friends with you. It's nothing against you it's just that I will always have feelings towards you. I don't want you to think I'm trying to get back at you in any way, I just can never think of you differently. I really valued what we had and I can't see us being in any other way and that's why it was so hard for me to let this - us - go.

 

That being said, I'll leave you to live your life and I hope that you can find what you're looking for and be truly happy. Don't lose touch with your true friends and don't live up or stoop down to the standards of others just so they can like you. **** them, they don't deserve you. As simple of a concept as it may seem I lose sight of it from time to time and I don't want you to make the same mistake.

 

As I've said before, you've got everything going for you, but just remember to enjoy life as it is.

 

Enjoy the rest of your semester. I hope you're having a great time in your new apartment, having parties and meeting new people.

[coopster]

This is the letter I sent to her:

 

As I write this, I start to wonder why I do this to myself and I realize it's because of how much I miss you. It was hard enough to miss you when we were together, but it's even harder to miss you knowing that I'm without you.

 

Honestly, it's for the best that we've had this time apart, giving us the chance to see things a bit more clearly, but regardless of how necessary it is right now it doesn't change the fact that I still love you and care for you so much.

 

It's hard for me to say this, but I need you to know that I can't ever be just friends with you. It's nothing against you it's just that I will always have feelings towards you. I don't want you to think I'm trying to get back at you in any way, I just can never think of you differently. I really valued what we had and I can't see us being in any other way and that's why it was so hard for me to let this - us - go.

 

That being said, I'll leave you to live your life and I hope that you can find what you're looking for and be truly happy. Don't lose touch with your true friends and don't live up or stoop down to the standards of others just so they can like you. **** them, they don't deserve you. As simple of a concept as it may seem I lose sight of it from time to time and I don't want you to make the same mistake.

 

As I've said before, you've got everything going for you, but just remember to enjoy life as it is.

 

Enjoy the rest of your semester. I hope you're having a great time in your new apartment, having parties and meeting new people.

 

Did you get this idea from a web site` claiming ` to `fix` any relationship problem?

 

Its a good letter. Now write one for YOU. What YOU are going to do.

how YOU are going to get on without her. Write in it what you plan to do with yourself.

 

Its sent now. Dont beat yourself up over it. Think it would have been better to, just not contact her again and see what becomes of that . She might come sniffing..she might not. Concentrate on YOU now.

 

good luck

[who_knew]

I just have so many emotions right now. I'm not over her at all. The more I think about it, the worse it gets. I keep thinking i'm ruining my chances every time i interact with her, but I can't help it. Do you think it was a bad move on my part?

 

I will try NC for a while, should I wait until she contacts me back if ever?

 

I don't know what I want anymore, I want to be happy again, but I want to be happy again with her in my life. Obviously that won't happen anytime soon if at all.

[Squish]

Is the break up recent? Right now all you can think about is her and your relationship, but it won't always be like that. Have NC and try to move on with your life. Go out with your friends and have fun with them and try not to think about her. Over time it will get easier. But you need time and space otherwise it'll never work. Good luck.

[sweetheart5381]

I can only give the female perspective here, but honestly, if a man who claims to love me also tells me he can't be my friend (assuming it was a healthy relationship) I question the love part. It would appear to me that I am under some sort of pressure, like an ultimatum to return it.

 

True love does not require ultimatums, it is not conditional.

 

Just my opinion, but in all honesty, be her friend if you can be. If not, stay away from her completely.

 

We cannot make others love us - we can only give love and hope that one day it is accepted and valued.

[coopster]

I just have so many emotions right now. I'm not over her at all. The more I think about it, the worse it gets. I keep thinking i'm ruining my chances every time i interact with her, but I can't help it. Do you think it was a bad move on my part?

 

I will try NC for a while, should I wait until she contacts me back if ever?

 

I don't know what I want anymore, I want to be happy again, but I want to be happy again with her in my life. Obviously that won't happen anytime soon if at all.

 

Course your not over her, you still have feelings, these just don`t disappear.

The best thing to do is NOT interact with her. I know its hard. But you even admit you think you are ruining your chances everytime you do. And the more you interact with her, the more likely you are of p**ss**g her off.

Bad move or not? is irrelevant now. its done. Forget it.

Go NC? yes!! You wait for her to contact you.

[who_knew]

Yea, we broke up 6-7 weeks ago. I don't want to **** up any future chances if any with her. So NC will have to do. I feel like I'm my own worst enemy during this time. I think I know what I'm doing is right, but in the end it never works out.

 

Like i'd hate to have her completely out of my life, but it hurts so much to think of her as someone other than my girlfriend. Hopefully that passes as much as I don't want it to. I'll give her space as I get on with my life and stop worrying about her.

[who_knew]

I can only give the female perspective here, but honestly, if a man who claims to love me also tells me he can't be my friend (assuming it was a healthy relationship) I question the love part. It would appear to me that I am under some sort of pressure, like an ultimatum to return it.

 

True love does not require ultimatums, it is not conditional.

 

Just my opinion, but in all honesty, be her friend if you can be. If not, stay away from her completely.

 

We cannot make others love us - we can only give love and hope that one day it is accepted and valued.

 

You're right and I realize that is a fault in this, but It's so hard to think of her differently right now. Maybe because I'm just caught up in my emotions and its only temporary that I have these feelings, but its all said and done. I don't want to be hung up on her if she doesn't want to be with me. I hate this so much.

 

I feel like every step I take is just making it worse.

[Squish]

I have a friend in a similar situation, only it's been going on for years. She tries NC, but after a while he gets in touch and she goes running back despite all her efforts not to. She is unable to move on and be happy because of it. Don't let that be you - be strong and you will find happiness again.

[who_knew]

I feel like there is no win-win to this.

 

God, i feel like I've ****ed up any chance with her.

I don't want her to hate me. I just feel so selfish right now.

I don't know if I want to be friends, but I have the itch to talk to her all the time.

 

I never expected relationships to be this crazy. Maybe I'm not cut out for them. I hoped that if we did end it all, it would be mutual, but she needed some space and I ****ed up.

 

I can't tell if this is all my fault or if I'm just blaming myself. I take all the blame that has happened since the breakup since I can't handle my emotions, but idk what to do anymore. I feel so lonely at school and everything I want to do is to impress her and show her that I've become independent again.

[who_knew]

I know time fixes everything, but why does it feel like its dragging on so long...? I can't handle this.

[coopster]

I know time fixes everything, but why does it feel like its dragging on so long...? I can't handle this.

 

 

In this 6-7 week period has she shown you ANY sign that she is interested or wants to get back with you???

[who_knew]

In this 6-7 week period has she shown you ANY sign that she is interested or wants to get back with you???

 

She texted me two weeks ago when she was drunk saying "hey whats up?" and I texted back a 1.5 days later saying things were good and then she realized that it was too early to talk to really talk and then I got a little made because I didn't want her to realize that because maybe she just wanted to talk as friends, but maybe I'm reading into this too much.

 

So i texted her back drunk a week ago saying "hey hows it going?" and then texted her saturday wishing her good luck on an event, no replies to either. I sent her that letter on valentines day.

 

Now I'm going to try NC for as long as i can.

[who_knew]

In this 6-7 week period has she shown you ANY sign that she is interested or wants to get back with you???

 

She texted me two weeks ago when she was drunk saying "hey whats up?" and I texted back a 1.5 days later saying things were good and then she realized that it was too early to talk to really talk and then I got a little made because I didn't want her to realize that because maybe she just wanted to talk as friends, but maybe I'm reading into this too much.

 

So i texted her back drunk a week ago saying "hey hows it going?" and then texted her saturday wishing her good luck on an event, no replies to either. I sent her that letter on valentines day.

 

Now I'm going to try NC for as long as i can.

[coopster]

Now I'm going to try NC for as long as i can.

 

 

ok good. For WHAT purpose?

[sweetheart5381]

You're right and I realize that is a fault in this, but It's so hard to think of her differently right now. Maybe because I'm just caught up in my emotions and its only temporary that I have these feelings, but its all said and done. I don't want to be hung up on her if she doesn't want to be with me. I hate this so much.

 

I feel like every step I take is just making it worse.

 

 

Me too, promised to offer space but I didnt. Promised NC to him and myself and I broke it.

 

I hate that feeling too, feeling that you messed it up so bad that it cant be fixed.

 

What I tell myself constantly is that no matter what, if they really know you and love you, they will understand - if not, then they never really accepted your love. You gave it, they could not reciprocate it. It's not you, you gave what you had to give. Ball is in their court but in the meantime feel good that you gave love - not easy at all to do.

[who_knew]

ok good. For WHAT purpose?

 

I don't know. I can't have these thoughts right now. I just want to get them out of me. Honestly I want to do NC so she will have to contact me, but maybe I should do it as a way to get over her and if things are meant to be then I'll just have to wait.

 

I need someone to talk to about these feelings though. I have a best friend who is best friends with her. Initially i talked to him a lot after the break up and then I think it backfired because although he backed us both up, my neediness and insecurities that i told him were shared with her. I need someone to talk to who knows about the situation, but talking to him might just make it worse.

 

I want to talk to him about what I should do now, but maybe I know what I have to do...I just want to know how she really feels.

[who_knew]

Me too, promised to offer space but I didnt. Promised NC to him and myself and I broke it.

 

I hate that feeling too, feeling that you messed it up so bad that it cant be fixed.

 

What I tell myself constantly is that no matter what, if they really know you and love you, they will understand - if not, then they never really accepted your love. You gave it, they could not reciprocate it. It's not you, you gave what you had to give. Ball is in their court but in the meantime feel good that you gave love - not easy at all to do.

 

You're right. I hate to think I gave her an ultimatum, I didn't want that, it seems so artificial. I just want us back, but I guess its not worth getting us back if she's doesn't actually want me back.

 

I tried so hard to show her I loved her and I put so much effort into it. I hate to think I'm spending so much effort trying to get my mind off her and to figure out how to get her. Maybe i really know this relationship wasn't perfect, but I needed her and I'm scared to be alone again.

 

It respect her decision, but do I have to be happy for her? I want to be, but I'm not happy with my own life and she made me happy. I just feel like i lost something that made me happy and I can't be happy again. It's hard to go onto her Facebook and see all the pictures of her having fun. I want to share those times with her like we used to.

[coopster]

I don't know. I can't have these thoughts right now. I just want to get them out of me. Honestly I want to do NC so she will have to contact me, but maybe I should do it as a way to get over her and if things are meant to be then I'll just have to wait.

 

I need someone to talk to about these feelings though. I have a best friend who is best friends with her. Initially i talked to him a lot after the break up and then I think it backfired because although he backed us both up, my neediness and insecurities that i told him were shared with her. I need someone to talk to who knows about the situation, but talking to him might just make it worse.

 

I want to talk to him about what I should do now, but maybe I know what I have to do...I just want to know how she really feels.

 

I`m sorry you`re going through this, Its hard i know.

 

Gonna be blunt now thou.

She`s not interested. It`s been 6-7 weeks and just one drunken text saying basically `what up?`

 

You need to move on and forget her.

Plus going NC is not a tool to use to get them come back to you. It`s for YOU to move on without them.

You need to start thinking of you. Just you. You need to start working on YOU. I know what your going through. Its hard ...but its not impossible.

 

Click on my sig links, read them 20 times, write down whatever you feel will help you.

You`ll get through this... you lived without her once, you can do it again

[who_knew]

I`m sorry you`re going through this, Its hard i know.

 

Gonna be blunt now thou.

She`s not interested. It`s been 6-7 weeks and just one drunken text saying basically `what up?`

 

You need to move on and forget her.

Plus going NC is not a tool to use to get them come back to you. It`s for YOU to move on without them.

You need to start thinking of you. Just you. You need to start working on YOU. I know what your going through. Its hard ...but its not impossible.

 

Click on my sig links, read them 20 times, write down whatever you feel will help you.

You`ll get through this... you lived without her once, you can do it again

 

Thanks for that, as harsh as they are, they seem to be true :/

 

I just hate how terrible i feel right now.

Everything in life seems so gloomy and I don't have the same motivation I used to. It's hard to think she is enjoying life without me right now.

 

I can't believe i used to be so happy being single and never being in a relationship and the past 6 months with her was amazing, but the breakup is worse than anything. I wish i could take it all back, but then again...

 

So i should never contact her until she contacts me? Should I try to become friends over time, once I'm ready? I do still care for her, but right now it only hurts to think of her. I want to think of her and not have it hurt. I don't want us to be in this perpetual avoiding game, but is that how most break ups end? I'd had to shove someone out of my life, but i guess if it hurts me more to have them in it then out, then should I do whats best for me right now?

 

I have so many questions, but idk if i want the answers. I just want things to be normal again. I want that instant satisfaction of being happy, not having to wait for time to heal. I thought i was getting through this fine the past couple weeks, but I guess my alterior motive was to always get her back. Everything is over, there is nothing I can fix at this point. There is no way to show her we can fix things, is there? Or does she need to realize that herself?

[Squish]

So i should never contact her until she contacts me?

 

Don't contact her at all. If she does contact you, DO NOT reply. Delete texts and ignore all calls. It's the only way to move on.

 

Should I try to become friends over time, once I'm ready?

 

I don't think you should be thinking about things like that just yet. Concentrate on getting over her by not thinking about her at all. One day you may be able to maintain a friendship, but only if you do NC properly and move on without her in your life.

 

 

I do still care for her, but right now it only hurts to think of her. I want to think of her and not have it hurt. I don't want us to be in this perpetual avoiding game, but is that how most break ups end? I'd had to shove someone out of my life, but i guess if it hurts me more to have them in it then out, then should I do whats best for me right now?

 

Make sure you have plenty of distractions, especially when you are alone. Try to avoid being on your own and spend time with family and friends. You'll be too busy to think of her and then before you know it you'll realise you've not thought about her in ages without even trying. Harsh as it is, she probably isn't thinking about you, unless she gets knocked back by someone else and needs a little self esteem pick me up. That's when she'll probably get in touch, and that's why you need to ignore it.

[smudge21]

Going to jump in here as I feel our situations are very similar. I also said goodbye to my ex as I couldn't just be here friend. I was lying to myself and to her and the longer I tried the friends route, the more it ate me up inside, to the point where I truly hit rock bottom.

 

So the letter was sent, telling her how I felt and how I couldn't stay around. Then I deleted her from my life. It felt like a good thing at first, then a terrible thing, and that went on for a long time, so you're feelings now (wondering if it's the right thing, whether you've messed up etc) I totally understand. But this is the early days and it's understandable that all this hurts so much.

 

Right now, you're tempted to break NC and go running back, agreeing to be here friend just so you can have her in your life. Maybe you think that aslong as she's there, then you have more chance to get her back then if she's not. This is total BS and nothing more than your emotions clouding your judgement. If you're her friend, which is what she wants, then why is she going to decide to make you her lover again. If the situation to her is fine, then why change it. She won't. You'll be doing what's best for her, not for you, and she'll be fine whilst you'll be suffering. Plus, you've sent the letter and explained everything, to go back on that now makes all that meaningless. Also, you can't say goodbye twice - think about that before you break NC.

 

Now mine did make contact after a few months, missing me, but it was never going to be anything more than friends, and even though I did feel better, I knew that having her back in my life and being on the sidelines as she dates other guys, well, that would've put me right back where I was before. So I stayed distant - I was polite, friendly, to her contact, but never went back. For a long time I so wanted to see her though, spend time with her, want her back in my life. There were so many times I wanted to reach out to her, but luckily I had LS to keep my focused, but it was difficult.

 

Finally I've reached a point now where, although there is still a part of me that misses her, I really no longer have that urge to see her, be with her, or even be her friend. I mean, I still care and consider her a friend. I have no ill feelings towards her, and we even shared a few texts over Xmas, but it was all okay.

 

So I guess what I'm saying overall is, yes, you did do the right thing and no you shouldn't look back with regrets. Yes, it's hard when a relationship ends, but when you still love someone, you cannot just be their friend. If you think you can, then ask yourself how you'd feel being that friend when she tells you about her love, or her fiance/pregnancy?

 

I really truly totally never thought I would ever heal from mine, it really ripped me apart but now I'm in a good place, feeling so much better, and I am totally happy that I was honest with her and didn't stay her friend. I'm happy that she knows how I felt and I believe it's something that has stuck with her. Soon enough I'm sure I'll be in a place to be her friend all over again (like we were before anything happened) but that will only happen because I've healed and because I no longer have that emotional attachment.

 

Good luck.