Isabella82 Posted February 19, 2012 Share Posted February 19, 2012 I really just don't know what to do! My stepdad (who pretty much raised me) and I are currently not on speaking terms. Basically I'm mad at him because he has never financially taken care of me or my mother. He is lazy and a pill popper. I'm mad at him because of his choices I've had to take care of my mother because their house foreclosed since he never had a job. On top of that he financially lived off of my 85 year old grandpa who for the past 15 years has been supporting them. My real dad I haven't talked to in the past 14 years, we just not started talking here and there. Not sure if it's all true but my mom told me such horrible stories of him abusing her that I stopped talking to him. Although my Aunt (moms sister) told me that it's not true Who should walk me down the aisle? My real father who I haven't seen for 14 years (I'm 29) and that I just started talking to or my drug addict stepdad that is a loser? Or both? This makes me not even want a wedding but I just have to deal with it. HELP!!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted February 19, 2012 Share Posted February 19, 2012 I vote you walk yourself down the isle and forget having these loserish guys to do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Isabella82 Posted February 19, 2012 Author Share Posted February 19, 2012 Ha! I just don't know. It really makes me sad and I'm trying not to let it get me down. I haven't had the easiest life. The thing with my step dad is I know he is a loser and has issues but I'm not sure if I will regret cutting him out of my wedding. The main issue is that my mom is disabled and was taking her pills. She is no longer giving him pills, they currently live in different states since he had to move back in with his parents. I don't want to invite him and have my parents start making bad decisions again, believe it or not my mother still wants to be with him. My real dad on the other hand is "normal" and I don't blame him 100% for not being a part of my life. I really just want a normal life as I have put myself through college, I have a great job, a great fiancé, and I don't have any substance abuse problems, and on top of that I've always been financially independent. My other choices are my grandpa, but not sure he will be able to make it because he is in another state and he is old etc... My other choice are my two brothers, but my real father will be there and I don't want to cause drama. And.....what about the father daughter dance? Link to post Share on other sites
setsenia Posted February 19, 2012 Share Posted February 19, 2012 I actually had the same issue when I got married! My dad was totally dead set against my marriage. I know it was because I got married young and he practically wanted to disown me. I had that idea of wanting my dad to walk me down the isle, because I wanted a traditional wedding, since he was my father. But he treated me so horrible in those years, it just wouldn't work. Even at the wedding, he made a mockery of it, he got drunk after crashing the wedding upstairs and he and my brother left early. I contemplated having my brother walking me down the isle and my mom, but we decided on having them in the wedding party instead. My stepdad walked me down the aisle. For awhile I thought I really should have had my dad walk me down the isle but even know 4 years later, I decided I have no regrets because my dad was never in favor and still not in favor of my marriage, so it wouldn't have been appropriate. Don't worry about tradition. Who walks you down the isle should be someone special. Your wedding can be how you want it. How about your mom or a special friend? You can even omit the "giving away the bride" as it's mostly a symbol of the bride going from the fathers authority to the husband's. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted February 19, 2012 Share Posted February 19, 2012 How about your mom or a special friend? I was going to suggest your mother too - though if your grandfather could make it, I am sure he would love to do this for you too Link to post Share on other sites
serial muse Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 (edited) If you are close to your brothers, I don't see why one of them wouldn't be the right choice. Or your mom, if you're close to her. You haven't spoken to your father for 14 years; he should be grateful to be invited at all! And your step-dad doesn't sound like a positive parental presence in your life - he hasn't exactly earned the honor of "giving you away." I do think you should also consider that you don't necessarily need someone to walk you down the aisle - that tradition has to do with the concept of leaving one person's household and entering another's. I assume that, at 29, you've been taking care of yourself...that said, I get that it's nicer to lean on someone's arm for that long walk than to do it alone. Anyway, I can relate to the dad woes: My parents divorced when I was young, and my relationship with my father is distant at best. No step-dad in my life. So I wrestled with how/whether to include him in my wedding. In the end, I invited him, but as a regular guest: There was no father-daughter dance, and my H and I actually walked down the aisle together (after living together for several years, seemed to make sense to me!). I didn't want to outright dis my father, but the truth is that singling him out for those special moments felt like it would be really false and forced. I don't think you need to feel obligated to people who haven't been there for you, in short. Do what feels right and special to you (and to your husband-to-be) on your wedding day. I also have a more general piece of advice, which is relevant here but also for many other bridal-related decisions. Each time I was worrying excessively about a decision, such as whether to invite someone or whether to include some tradition, one of my best friends asked me this question: Will it increase your joy? It's a really great touchstone. Think about who you want to walk you down the aisle, and whether you want to dance with your father. (Doesn't sound like it. ) Think about what will increase your joy on that day. That will be the right decision. Edited February 20, 2012 by serial muse Link to post Share on other sites
denise_xo Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 Where I live, it's getting relatively common that the couple walk down the aisle together. I think that's a nice alternative. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
marycorbitt Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 My vote goes to your real father. There might be reasons why you didn't talk that much in the past but he is still the one who brought you to the world. Link to post Share on other sites
TigerCub Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 My sister had my brother walk her down the isle (because our dad had passed away by then). So if you do have a good relationship with your brothers, I'd suggest you sit them both down and ask them if one of them would like to do it - see who volunteers first (that way they are no hurt feelings for the one who doesn't get the honor). As for the daddy daughter dance - well its your wedding, you can plan it whichever way you want - so you could completely just take that out of the equation. Hope you have a fantastic wedding day!! Link to post Share on other sites
setsenia Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 My vote goes to your real father. There might be reasons why you didn't talk that much in the past but he is still the one who brought you to the world. Although I respect your opinion, giving birth or being biologically related does not make them a parent. Hence adoptive children, parents abandoning their children etc etc. It sounds like the man is a stranger to her, why would you want a stranger walking you down the aisle, blood related or not? I know some cultures may differ with this sentiment, but in my opinion being a parent is much more than simply being biologically related. If a parent hasn't been there for you or treated you very well most of your life, you don't owe them anything. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
setsenia Posted February 20, 2012 Share Posted February 20, 2012 Where I live, it's getting relatively common that the couple walk down the aisle together. I think that's a nice alternative. Good concept. My husband and I will be doing this at vow renewal time. We also didn't have any dancing all together, so we didn't even have to worry about things such as "father-daughter dancing" although I would like some dancing at our renewal. Link to post Share on other sites
Ursa Posted February 22, 2012 Share Posted February 22, 2012 (edited) If your mother is the one who stuck by you and raised you while the men in her life fell down on the job, I think it would be a lovely gesture to ask your mother. Show her some recognition for all she did for you over the years. Where I live, it's getting relatively common that the couple walk down the aisle together. I think that's a nice alternative. My husband and I walked down the aisle together at our wedding, so I might be biased but I'd endorse this as a happy, healthy alternative to any couple. No issue with our parents, either, just seemed like the right thing to do for us. We'd already been living together for a few years, the concept of somebody giving me away seemed a little silly, and our wedding was very small and informal. My dad was busy being our photographer, he's a very talented amateur. Edited February 22, 2012 by Ursa Link to post Share on other sites
Motor35 Posted March 7, 2012 Share Posted March 7, 2012 (edited) i vote for your brothers! my sister got married last summer and we have a dad that sounds much like yours. she decided she wanted the one man that was truly involved with the family to share that moment with her. my brother was so flattered and it was lovely PS...i see others have suggested to see which brother would like to give you away....i think one brother on each arm would be perfect and super sweet Edited March 7, 2012 by Motor35 addition Link to post Share on other sites
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