How do you bring back the man you fell in love with?

[echocrush]

He was so wonderful he respected me and loved me with all his heart. He was happy spending time with me, just cuddling, and we had a good social life. I felt like the most blessed woman on the face of the planet. He brought me gifts just to let me know he was thinking of me, and called from work just to say he loved me. That was two and a half years ago...

 

Then we got married almost a year ago

 

Now he's just angry most of the time, he snaps at me for no reason. He quit saying he loves me for the most part, and now it seems like the only time he is nice to me is when he wants something and even then not always. He pretty much just lays on the couch with a beer and controls the remote. The last time we went out was almost a year ago, because he is just too tired. And now he is just controlling and emotionally abusive. He yells at me for bothering him at work and nothing is like it was. The sex is the only thing that is still good and it's going fast.

 

What can a girl do to bring back the romance in the man she loves? I miss him so much, he is such a good man. This is my second marriage and I am ready to just give up. I thought for sure this time would be different, but it's not and that leaves me to blame.

 

Men? Why did you stop dating your wife and is there anything she could do to bring the romeo back???

[dudesomewhere]

eh, I don't know. Not married and never been...of course I want to but I'm poor...that's a big no no

 

as far as your hubby though, was the change gradual or instant, like right after you married? I know I'd be the same mushy romantic type from beginning to end...but of course I'd have to find someone to put up with it all. I realize many women don't really like romance 24/7, which is kinda lame...their loss

 

I'd like to know to from some guys who do this...and women for that matter. The whole turn abouts befuddle me.

 

My suggestion I was thinking was, maybe just print out what you said and ask to have a little heart to heart with him. Do it very vaguely and let what you printed say it all. Something like things are happening in ways you didn't expect but they hurt you and you don't really know how you'll end up feeling in the future if they continue this way, then give him the letter.

 

but I don't think it's your fault at all...it sounds more like he has some issues he needs to deal with.

[CurlyIam]

I don't know... it's sad, really! Just don't let it happen.

 

I have no idea how:). Make it more about you! If sex is good, you could start there! Dress a bit more attractively, pay more attention to yourself, so that he notices you again.

 

He doens't feel like going out? Make some plans with your friends. Be more active. Then call him, and tell him he can drop by...

 

I'm sure you'll have lots of fun bringing excitement back into your life. Romance will follow shortly, since you are inlove ! Don't worry, you'll do fine!

[CurlyIam]

I mean it's just a state of mind, I doubt he means it. Like feeling very dull, almost numed. Get him out of it. Gently, something tells me he'll hate your doing it... Follow your instincts! You're a woman, use the advantage!

[echocrush]

The change happened gradually after we got married, it's funny that way. You don't notice the little differences, and then one day you wake up and realize that everything has changed.

 

I've changed too... He's changed me and I've changed on my own too. We couldn't stand to be apart, and now we don't do much together.

 

I miss him...

[Thinkalot]

Can you sit down and talk to him about your feelings? Maybe he is stressed by factors outside the marriage, like work, and that's affecting his energy levels too?

 

Make an effort to be romantic yourself...do what you can...but most importantly, tell him you miss him and love him! I'm sure he still loves you...sometimes we just lose our way a bit for a while, and things fall out of perspective.

 

Good luck.

[CurlyIam]

Hi,echocrush

 

In my oppinion, you can talk for hours and still things won't change.

 

Action will. And since you want the change, it has to come from you. Talk to us, if you want to, share, confess, but take the power to actually change something in your life.

 

Otherwise... you'll remain unhappy.

 

Maybe it's just me, actionwoman... I sincerely hope you find whatever it is that you are looking for, on this forum and in real life!

 

Curly

[echocrush]

I did finally get a conversation going with him... I showed him what I wrote here, and he got angry with me. He didn't really read it, but saw part of it and said that I was on here saying he did this, and he did that and it was my problem. Grrrr...

 

But we did get a nice dialogue going night before last... and were starting to get somewhere finally! But we got interrupted when my son hurt himself and needed stitches, so I'm hoping we can re-start the conversation in a few days.

 

I did feel better when my son had his little emergency though, I've been a little worried about his lack of bonding with my children. He took over when I saw blood and talked my son through it, he held his hand the whole time and kept him calm.

 

He's not the best at saying he loves you, but when it counts he can show it... it's a start.

[echocrush]

Originally posted by CurlyIam

Hi,echocrush

 

In my oppinion, you can talk for hours and still things won't change.

 

Action will. And since you want the change, it has to come from you. Talk to us, if you want to, share, confess, but take the power to actually change something in your life.

 

Otherwise... you'll remain unhappy.

 

Maybe it's just me, actionwoman... I sincerely hope you find whatever it is that you are looking for, on this forum and in real life!

 

Curly

 

true true...

 

The hardest part is I am so easily swayed, I know I have to take action, and I start working towards it, but one harsh word from him and I crumble again. I've been thinking maybe I just need to tune him out as best as I can when he is negative... not ignore him, but ignore his actual mood, kind of a fak it till you make it thing???

[CurlyIam]

The hardest part is I am so easily swayed, I know I have to take action, and I start working towards it, but one harsh word from him and I crumble again.

 

Everyone is. Just don't put too much pressure on yourself. Do it like an exercise: be attentive at how you react each day when in contact with other people. And correct it. There will be setbacks, sometimes you'll get tired, but if you're determined not to let yourself become a doormat, you'll change.

 

I've been thinking maybe I just need to tune him out as best as I can when he is negative... not ignore him, but ignore his actual mood, kind of a fak it till you make it thing???

 

I'm sorry, I don't understand this .

 

Another advice: talk to a friend and let her be help you by monitoring your transition. Explain her your situation, talk to her about your daily accomplishments and describe her how you handled situations. It will help ou a lot, because you'd have the oppinoin of someone from the outside. It will also help you to constantely evaluate yourself.

 

Oh, try to choose that friend in such a way as for her not to be too judgemental. Go for someone more sympathetic to your situation. If you go through with it, you shall be our hero ! Honest to God, you will! This is really big, echocrush, you are starting to take action to change your life. Congratulations!

[asiamarie]

I know exactly what your going through i have a relationship that was great at first he wine and dined me and treated me so good until we got married and had a kid and living together. And to add to that the sex was great.

Now all he does is play games on the computer, go to work , come home and watch TV and eat and sometimes plays the xbox. This is my life go to work come home fix supper and take care of the children . Have you ever seen the ground hog day movie if so that is how my life is .... He and I don't go anywhere together without a fight and i have sex about once or twice a month you think you have it bad . The fights we have are nasty verbal and mental and if he gets really mad watch out my stuff gets destroyed . If i would have known this 5 years ago i would have done it different I have tried talking to him doesn't work nothing that i say matters.

So the advice to you is you can try to bring back the romance that you once had by not bringing up the past start fresh start from the beginning and start something new. never use the past against your man it might upset him never say to him i wish you could be the same person i meant a couple of years ago because he is the same person you meant you just didn't know the other side of him. Like my man says to me i am settled in this relationship i feel like i don't have to work so hard to get you anymore because i now have you. I wish you the best of luck....

[echocrush]

I've been thinking maybe I just need to tune him out as best as I can when he is negative... not ignore him, but ignore his actual mood, kind of a fake it till you make it thing???

 

I'm sorry, I don't understand this .

 

I know someone who is married to a man who is prone to angry outbursts, but I've never seen her phased by it one bit. She reacts like he just asked her to do him a favor in the nicest tone, sometimes she giggles and waves her hand like he was just teasing and it works. They are both very happy and have been for 30 years, I just don't think she lets his anger register...

 

So she ignores the mood, while listening to his words. Does that make sense? I know as a parent, I have been taught many things, like ignore the temper tantrums, and reward the good behaviors. I'm wondering how much that applies to husbands.

 

asiamarie

 

in the book For Better or Best. Gary Smalley talks about men getting settled into relationships. He says men are hunters, they basically want to "shoot it, bag it, take it home" and I always add... mount it and hang it on the wall. They love the thrill of the chase, but after they have it, they just want to sit back and enjoy it.

 

Maybe if we could figure out a healthy way to always keep the thrill of the chase going we could keep them interested. Hmmm...