sarah436 Posted June 5, 2004 Share Posted June 5, 2004 Okay I know this is going to sound really selfish but I need some advice. I have been dating this guy for almost three years. I moved to the town I live in now about four years ago. Between the move, graduating highschool my best friend having a baby and working constantly my social life has become zero. My boyfriend however has a million friends as he has grown up here. My problem is this. His friends always come before me. We never go out. Once in a great while we may go see a movie or get dinner. But he goes and plays pools with his friends, drives to the beach whatever. Last night he went to a bar. Now he NEVER drinks and either do I. First he says he has two beers.. then three than it's four. After that he couldn't remember! If his friends are playing basketball he goes no matter if we have plans or not. And get this..I am NOT ALLOWED to go. He says it's no place for a girlfriend to just sit there. But there are girls who play. He says that is different which it is but if he breaks OUR plans can't I least go watch him play for lack of anything better to do. Then there is his friend Mike. This kid calls every day and if we are hanging out he takes me home early EVERY time to go hang out with him. Last week Mike broke plans with him for three days in a row. My boyfriend said how pissed he was and that he was sick of always going whenever he called. He said "why go when I have just as much fun with you?" I felt great and the next day the kid calls and home I go. I aksed what happened to what he said the day before "his reply was that was yesterday!! I know that since he IS my social life right now that it is really stressful on him and he says I always make him feel guilty. The thing is I have no problem with him hanging with his friends. It's just that I feel like sh** when he goes places with them he won't go with me and drops me everytime they call. He said stop trying to be my buddy and just be my girlfriend!! What the hell does that mean. He is the sweetest guy ever when we are together but it makes me feel horrible to be second priority all the time. I feel low enough not having any good friends. When Mike calls his idea of being considerate is saying "I really want to go but won't if you don't want me to" Here is what happenes 1) I say go and am stuck home miserable. 2) I say stay and I become the bitch and he lays watching t.v in silence. I am wicked sorry this is so long but this is what we have been figthing about for months. I hate it. Am I being too needy or is he being a jerk. ANY advive would be greatly appreciated!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted June 5, 2004 Share Posted June 5, 2004 Originally posted by sarah436 ANY advive would be greatly appreciated!!!! 1. Find someone who doesn't mistreat you. 2. Find friends of your own, so that you're not so dependent on a boy. 3. All of the above. Link to post Share on other sites
DerangedAngel Posted June 5, 2004 Share Posted June 5, 2004 I think he's being a total jerk. Dyer's advice was great. It's one thing for him to spend a lot of time with friends, but canceling on you all the time, ending dates early, and never allowing you to be a part of those get togethers is completely unfair. If he doesn't realize this maybe you need to move on. But whatever you decide, make some friends of your own in the area! Good luck. -Deranged Link to post Share on other sites
acaine Posted June 5, 2004 Share Posted June 5, 2004 WOW!!! I think you should yes find your own friends, but if he doesn't let you go anywhere with him and his friends WTF???? He needs to really wake up and see that you feel like he is hidin gyou away from his life outside of you and him.....If I were you I would get dressed up and go out and find some friends of your own to hang with! I wish you the best and keep us posted... Link to post Share on other sites
anonymous Posted June 6, 2004 Share Posted June 6, 2004 my husband is always up my friend's butt's... we never have just a date (me & him only).... I ask to go out, just me and him, and have a coffee or something and he says no basically. But when our friend's wanna go, he's on the ball! He'll go. I can be included in the activities with my friends, but it's almost an everyday occurance. We RARELY, go somewhere, just the 2 of us. How sad... Link to post Share on other sites
Author sarah436 Posted June 6, 2004 Author Share Posted June 6, 2004 It's not even really about going to the places. It's about him wanting to go with ME. I have no problem with him having a great social life but what about when I want to go somewhere. I swear there have been times where he goes and plays pool (I love pool) The day after I say hey we should play pool sometime. What does he say? I don't want to go to some pool hall with my girlfriend. This is always the case. Otherwise he is tired/not up for it. But EVERY SINGLE time his friends call he is full of energy again. It makes me feel taken for granted and like crap!! Yesterday we had a great night. The today he was supposed to meet up with me when I got out of work. He calls to say Mike has called, he is going over there. He tells me to not forget to call his house to let him know I got home okay. I swear I would love to "forget" to call and make him so worried. I realize that is immature but that is the point I am at to be appreciated. I want him to worry about me. I try to talk to him and he always just blows it off like I am being ridiculous. I love him and don't want to be witout him but what the hell can I do to make him appreciate me as much as his buddies!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author sarah436 Posted June 7, 2004 Author Share Posted June 7, 2004 Okay so today it all finally came to a head. At work he called to say he and few friends were talking about playing basketball. Like the doormmat I have become I said "oh yeah have fun "even though we were supposed to hang out. Well his plans ended up falling through and he came to pick me up. I tried to dress up a bit because I knew he would be in a miserable mood over not being able to play. He was so so miserable. He looked at me and said "I didn't know we were going to a wedding" All I was wearing was a nice shirt and pair of black pants. Then I said "well I wore this shirt because I thought you liked it. I guess not." He comes back with "after 2 1/2 years you are fishing for compliments?" I replied that I should not have to fish. The whole thing was he was mad that his plans were cancelled. I finally had enough and said "How would you feel if it was so obvious I was unhappily settling for you" We fought all the way back to my house. I said it all. I am sick of him ALWAYS picking his friends over me, I am sick of sitting around doing nothing, but he can hang out with his friends. All of it. I tried to talk but it fell on deaf ears. He does not get it!! I said you know you will have more fun with Adam and Matt at the fireside having beers, he says well fu** you and that it sounds like a good idea!! That proved it. He does not even care how I feel.When I finally get out of the car he says okay so I don't do anything for you?I dare you to break up with me big talker." He said that because I alwasy say I can't take anymore but always end up to be the one calling. I am so sick to my stomach how can he be so damn selfish. I love him but I can't take this. I don't know what kind of advice I need. Maybe just a little support. Link to post Share on other sites
Unlucky In Love Posted June 8, 2004 Share Posted June 8, 2004 There is no way that you should put up with this. You should join an online dating service and go out with someone new tomorrow night. Once your boyfriend sees you with someone else, he'll either clean up his act or he'll get replaced. I once dated a man who had a lot of friends. He always wanted to spend time with them. However, he was ALWAYS considerate of my feelings. He would always ask me what I wanted to do first. He would also ALWAYS invite me to go with him. He would tell me "I don't want to go without you, honey." That's respect, that's the way you deserve to be treated. When a guy doesn't put me first, I dump him. Where you do see yourselves in the future? Could you actually marry a person who puts you last on his list after: (1) his friends; (2) his partying; (3) his games; (4) the bar; (5) beer; and finally, (6) you. Staying with him is keeping you from meeting the man who will put you first on his list. Dump him and move on! There are too many people in this world for you to be stuck with a LOSER! Link to post Share on other sites
DerangedAngel Posted June 8, 2004 Share Posted June 8, 2004 Please don't call him. It won't be any different than before. You can do it. Post until your fingers bleed, get it all out. It helps. You deserve more than that, Sarah. You weren't being unreasonable, you were being mistreated! Best wishes. -Deranged Link to post Share on other sites
average guy Posted June 8, 2004 Share Posted June 8, 2004 1. Read dyermaker's post again. 2. Read DerangedAngel's post again. 3. Read this post again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sarah436 Posted June 8, 2004 Author Share Posted June 8, 2004 Okay this is the hard part. Waking up the next day. The first thing that popped into my mind was that he may have a point. I am embarressed to even admit that. I feel so low right now. My family is messed up, I really don't have a friend in the world in now I am finally realizing that my boyfriend treats me like crap. Needless to say I am in no mood to work. You guys are right. I can usually can expect that from you I guess I need to end it. I don't know. Maybe if he misses me it will be okay but I'm not going to get my hopes up about it. I think he does love me but he takes me for granted and just assumes that I'll wait around and be there when it is convient. Thanks so so much to everyone! If it gets tough I'll just remember what you all have said. Link to post Share on other sites
dudesomewhere Posted June 8, 2004 Share Posted June 8, 2004 I'd like to add to counter something in another post...don't go find a date right away. Just live your life with just you in it. That's when you know what's what and don't do things to lower yourself Link to post Share on other sites
Leikela Posted June 8, 2004 Share Posted June 8, 2004 I think he does love me but he takes me for granted and just assumes that I'll wait around and be there when it is convient. He assumes this because you've SHOWN him that you WILL and DO do this. Until you actually take a stand for yourself and show him you mean business, he'll keep on treating you the way you allow him to. You really need to work on your self-esteem. Are there any groups in your town that you can join? Anyway you can make friends? Link to post Share on other sites
Unlucky In Love Posted June 8, 2004 Share Posted June 8, 2004 Why can't see start seeing other people and making new friends? Why should she wait? What does everyone else think? Link to post Share on other sites
dudesomewhere Posted June 9, 2004 Share Posted June 9, 2004 making friends is good...just so long as you know that is what you are doing. Many times people date to find replacements, and that is neither fair to you or the person on the other end. I never look for replacements, and never want people to look at me as one. I'd rather wait it out and hope that someone likes me for me and not as a hold-over or time killer. It's a weird respect philo I have going. To me, if I looked at someone as a means to replace what I've just recently lost, it's almost like not really valueing them for who they are but that they are just a substitute. When I look at someone new, I want to look at them fresh...and not look at them thinking and comparing what's different or the same from the ex. weirdo I be Link to post Share on other sites
pretty_petal Posted June 9, 2004 Share Posted June 9, 2004 No you're not being selfish at all. a girl has rights. My bf does the same occasionally... His dad bought him 2 tickets to a really big concert/gig for doing his exams. 2 tickets... well i kinda hoped i'd be invited. No. he invites his friend. thanks. its like they just dont' even think. Link to post Share on other sites
pretty_petal Posted June 9, 2004 Share Posted June 9, 2004 ok. just now he was supposed to be on MSN (IM) and so i started up a conversation but there was no reply. So i phoned him instead cos i just wanted to chat with him like normal (we normally spend HOURS on the phone). He was online... on msn... but he was busy playing some computer game across the internet with his friends. he was too busy. So we had a really good conversation: Me: hey, i was just trying to chat on msn but u werent there... Him: no. Me: so i phoned you instead *grins* Him: ok i have to go. i'm playing 'unreal' was my friends Me: (understandly) oh, ok (i know how much his friends mean to him) Him: yeah c u tomorrow. bye. Charming... may i add that this is a new development in the relationship. he has always managed a good balance between me and friends and everyone has been happy. no he won't take me out or even speak to me cos hes too busy. this has happened a couple of times this week. annoying. am I selfish???? i see how sarah feels. Link to post Share on other sites
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